How to Say No and Stay Friends

Gene Says:

August 16th, 2007, 5:40 am

I remember the year I was eighteen some decades ago. I was working on a petroleum exploration crew in the Rocky Mountain of the U.S. and our crew was fired.

My supervisor was an older family member and he was outraged at being fired. He asked me to break into the company we had so recently worked for and steal things to teach them a lesson and to get the monetary gain.

I said I was not interested and made no further comment. That ended the subject and we never discussed the matter again.

I am quite happy with my decision that day. After that saying no to other things were easier for the young man I was at that tme.

Gene

Red Zinnia Says:

August 16th, 2007, 5:50 am

I’m thinking a “friend” who would ask for help commiting insurance fraud or theft (such as in Gene’s situation) isn’t really a friend worth having. So no need to stress on how to preserve the relationship while saying “no”.

Marco Says:

August 16th, 2007, 6:56 am

Should we keep a friend who has done something very wrong?
That’s a good question Red. For me the answer is usually yes, unless it is something really extreme! I’ve got friends from all paths of life…
On the other hand, I see merit in the opposite opinion too: the people we surround ourselves with do have an impact on our lives. Some say: ‘Go with the thief and you might find yourself stealing’

I am a Counselor, and in therapy I always make sure to separate the people from the problem: a client might have done something which is very wrong, but I still accept him or her as a person, she has the right to live and be happy as much as I do.

Gene Says:

August 16th, 2007, 7:10 am

For me the answer is yes I did want to preserve some kind of relationship, since in the incident I reported in my earlier post, where the person was a close family member. It was important to me to just say no and mean it without animus or recrimination.

Today I live such a different life with a mostly different set of values that this family member is not part of my inner circle. I do believe we have a tendency to become more like our group that we hangout with over time and have no doubt that had I stayed a close associate of this man I would have found life difficult.

My grandmother used to say birds of a feather flock together. She was spot on.

Gene

MJ Says:

August 16th, 2007, 7:17 am

If the person weren’t a family member but a friend, would you want to keep such friend who hopes you’ll break rules with him/her for his/her sake? 1 time for a minor offence maybe fine (to some people) but what about repeated requests? Such “friend” is better off as “long distance acquaintance”.

xen ix Says:

August 16th, 2007, 7:46 am

Good advice, still, you should keep it at just saying know and of course seeing to that the friends understands your no. IF your friend does not understand your no, he/she isn’t really a good friend.

And to keeping friends that want to break the law, that can be interesting. I too have friends from different paths of life, still, some I see to it that I keep a distance, because if they are too close when they get into trouble they will for use some time drag you with them. And telling the police no isn’t that easy.

And telling someone that you don’t want to do it because it is wrong has nothing to be judgmental, it has to do with honesty.

Marco Says:

August 16th, 2007, 8:00 am

And should we say no to a friend because we are far too busy to help?
Sometimes I do, and yet I want to keep the friendship, so that’s when I really use the 6 steps above…

Michel Says:

August 16th, 2007, 8:31 am

I strongly disagree with #3. You want to “stay friends” no matter what? If there is hope for him, I would try to convince him not to do it. Because my friend means more to me than my friendship with him.

Marco Says:

August 16th, 2007, 9:01 am

Good point, and yet I would personally untangle the process of saying no to the advice giving. It’s all too easy to be misunderstood: ‘It’s not that I don’t want to help you, it’s you shouldn’t do that at all!” So you might postpone your advice of a day or two…
Furthermore, in my experience friends open up to my advice more when they feel accepted.
BTW, I love your closing line “Because my friend means more to me than my friendship with him.” Very noble, and very tough.

Jayb Says:

August 16th, 2007, 9:16 am

If you’re going to lose a friend for saying “no” to something. Especially something illegal, then you never had a friend to begin with. If I said “no” to any of my friends, our friendship would not be at stake.

Conn Says:

August 16th, 2007, 11:10 am

If you have to say no repeatedly to a friend, then either he isn’t your best friend but a pal who wants only to profit from you or you are too individualist, or both.

Jen B. Says:

August 16th, 2007, 11:13 am

I would like to share something I learned from Miss Manners, lo, these many years ago. She provides phrases for saying no without explaining why - very useful when explaining why would mean arguing whether your reasons are good enough or not. This also seems like it would be helpful for Step 3 above, because giving your reasons may make it about the other person - there is no judgment involved here. And it certainly delivers the unambiguous no of Step 4. Here’s what you do:

Q: Request
A: Oh, I’m sorry, I can’t.
Q: Why?
A: Because I’m afraid it’s impossible.
Q: Why?
A: Because I can’t, sorry.
. . . etc.

Sunny Says:

August 16th, 2007, 11:19 am

Recently, a friend asked me to sell a few things on ebay for her shop. I had a bad feeling about the whole thing and should have said no, but I wanted to help her out.

Of course, she really didn’t have anything worth selling on ebay and I spent an entire weekend afternoon trying to find stuff. I politely told her that these things wouldn’t sell and that just because someone wants to ask for $400 for an item does not mean they are guaranteed to get it. Now, she won’t even talk to me.

I should have went with my gut reaction and politely declined, but I also figure that she is probably not a very good friend anyway if she would stop talking to me over the whole thing. Good riddance.

sindhu Says:

August 16th, 2007, 13:51 pm

ya right!

Metroknow Says:

August 16th, 2007, 14:11 pm

I think its also useful to remember that in a case where the activity is questionable, a No may help them to find another, better solution (meaning they might (if you’re lucky) give up the fraud idea because you made them think about it. Why would my close friend have the guts to say no? Maybe because its a supremely bad idea…and so forth…).

So the friend might be frustrated that you won’t play ball/help out, but eventually if they’re a friend worth having they will figure out that you said no for the right reasons. If they don’t respect you enough to respect your decisions, well, that friendship problem may just solve itself by ending.

If its something more trivial (like the one I get all the time: Can you build a Web site for me?), I often explain that I wish I could, but I don’t have the time available. However, here are a handful of resources that you might find useful. In other words, I try to help them find another solution that doesn’t involve me, but solves their problem.

Nathaniel Says:

August 16th, 2007, 14:36 pm

I get the feeling that a lot of the responders are missing the latter two steps - especially step five. Identifying the underlying need moves the response of ‘no’ from a selfish fulfillment of your own prerogatives to looking how your relationship with your friend is weaving a social fabric. Following through to step six is the strengthening of that fabric.

Don’t leave your friend in the lurch. Don’t leave anyone in the lurch whom you’ve let expect friendship from you - even if you don’t like them, or don’t like what they are doing. Yes, you can distance yourself - but is that the moral or ethical thing to do? Does it produce the desired result? Does it help that person? Does it really help you?

Usually people, when they make an unreasonable request, don’t really know what it is they really want. If you can help them achieve that, you find the elegant solution that involves neither self-sacrifice, nor throwing the person to the wolves. Saying ‘no’ is important, but bringing them into the fold regardless of that is important, too. Otherwise, we might as well move as far away from each other as possible.

Spike Says:

August 16th, 2007, 16:13 pm

This would have been useful in my previous job when I got promoted and suddenly found myself having to supervise a lot of my friends…
Organize IT

Monica Says:

August 16th, 2007, 17:49 pm

A real friend would help with the fraud if the risk of apprehension is low or if he can deal with the consequences.

For instance, I would not recommend committing fraud against one’s own employer if keeping that job is important. But someone who feels more comfortable dealing with the consequences is morally bound to help his or her friend when the risks are low.

Those who say that respecting the law is important would not feel the same if they lived under an oppressive regime with many bad laws. Only because local laws may not be that oppressive, that does not mean that the law is to be held in such high esteem that it should not be broken for a good reason, such as to help friends and family. If by law you mean not stealing from an individual (stealing from a large corporation is not the same thing), not raping, not killing, etc., then the law is good. Otherwise, the law is just a rule made by somebody else, often in the interest of the rich. If it was not for the punishment, I would break economic laws any time.

Raephael Says:

August 17th, 2007, 22:32 pm

Here’s my problem: a friend of the family who I like very much is running for local public office. I think she would be terrible for the job and believe that her opponent (who is in office now) has done some courageous things I support. I know she will be asking me to support her publicly and I just can’t. I think some people in our area would look to my name and give it some weight and I just don’t want my name used for someone I can’t support. She is a very dear person. And in her family, family and friends stick together and personal connections are everything. I’m not sure she is going to understand my standing on my principles. But I think I have to do it. Any suggestions?

Leo Says:

August 17th, 2007, 23:12 pm

@Raephael: That’s a difficult situation. My advice:

* First, pre-empt her asking by letting her know that you don’t want to get involved with the upcoming elections, only because you don’t want politics to become a strain on your friendship, and you value her friendship so much.

* Tell her you would love to help her in some way, perhaps making her personal life easier somehow so she can concentrate more on the campaign … but you just don’t want to be publicly involved in any political stuff. This is the “look for the underlying need” and “say yes to some other stuff” that Marco mentions in the post.

Hoffmann Says:

August 19th, 2007, 10:25 am

well， it is very unpleasant to be turned down by a friend ,especially when he is a close one?

The question ,which appears in the article, can be paraphased as which seems to be more important to u , the law or me ?

Take a second thought before u ask question in this type, caze the suggestion 6 is really useless to me according to my own experiences.

U can do little to cheer a dispointted friend up. maybe that is anothere kind of impossibile mission

stany Says:

January 24th, 2008, 7:57 am

I was offered a better job in a company, i agreed and did all the formality. then i resigned with my old company, but they refuse to release me and promised to offer everything the new company offers,
Now i am in a fix, how can i say no to the new comapny as they had been very nice to me and had agreed to all; my terms and conditions. I feel guilty. Now i have inform them that i won’t be able to take the new offer (new company. pleas advice