Eight Essential Tips to Overcoming Shyness and Making a Good Impression

Aaron - Personal Development Partners Says:

November 13th, 2007, 19:13 pm

The great thing about these tips is that they really don’t require you to have any special skills or abilities. Just go through the process and it will be easy and even enjoyable.

AgentSully Says:

November 13th, 2007, 19:14 pm

Great tips Cyan. I was always very very shy as a child and was labeled as such. But as shy as I was, I was also determined to break past it. And I did just simply by diving in, smiling a lot, not being afraid to make a fumble. I just decided to have fun. Any shy person can overcome it. It just take s a little practice.

Collis Says:

November 13th, 2007, 19:42 pm

It’s true, Cyan does seem super confident! I should know, I married her :-0

Meanwhiles Introduce Yourself is the best tip. I love it when people introduce themselves to me and I don’t have to stress out about doing it myself. It also gives you the impression that the person actually wants to know you. When someone doesn’t introduce themselves, a little part of me always thinks, this person doesn’t think I’m worth bothering with, silly as that sounds.

Anyhow great article Cyan!! :-)

Leo Says:

November 13th, 2007, 19:43 pm

Thanks for the nice comments, guys!

Cyan, this is a wonderful post — thank you for writing it! I’m a shy person myself (some call me a “shut-in”) but I’ve learned to overcome it with similar methods.

Mike Pedersen Golf Says:

November 13th, 2007, 20:07 pm

Being shy is not a bad thing, and can actually be an attractive feature on some people. When I met my wife (in a gym no ness), she was very shy, but I liked that she wasn’t making the rounds and talking to all the guys, but instead was there to actually work out :)

Jonathan Fields Says:

November 13th, 2007, 20:26 pm

Hey Cyan & Leo,

Great post! Number 3 - Ask questions - especially resonates with me. I actually speak and teach a lot. I even teach people to speak and teach, but when I am out of my element, I am definitely not the most naturally outgoing one in the room.

But, I’ve found asking questions is a powerful way to melt the ice in almost any setting. Once I get people talking, then I like to switch to the “what can I do for you?” mindset, because it makes me automatically look for ways to help a total stranger, which always ends up being rewarding on a whole different level when it works out.

Great reading you over here at Leo’s pad!

Gates VP Says:

November 13th, 2007, 21:04 pm

Here’s an extra something for those who are introducing new people. When I bring together disparate groups, I’ll offer a name and a “thing”. A “thing” provides a conversation topic or two so that people can connect. Something like “this is Pat from my computer science class” or “this is Evan, the proud new father, from my work”

It’s probably b/c I hate being introduced to a room of people and not knowing how anyone fits. But I think it’s a great exercise to help out shy friends, b/c you’ve just helped out with 1, 2 & 3.

Tina Su - Think Simple. Be Decisive. Says:

November 13th, 2007, 21:08 pm

This is a really cute post. I love the picture with the story. :)
What I found great about these tips is that it’s not just applicable to shy people, but also extraverts. People would mark me as an extravert, but I too go through moments of skyness and uncertainty. So, the tips are a nice reminder for social skills for us all. I don’t particularly feel natural to introduce myself always, but I’m making a point to do so more and more now. :)

Thanks for sharing Cyan!

Tina
Think Simple. Be Decisive.

zen Says:

November 13th, 2007, 22:58 pm

starting is the hardest part i guess =(

Gillian Says:

November 13th, 2007, 23:04 pm

Good lord, what nonsense!!

“Everyone is just as shy as you are.”

Everyone is definitely as NOT as shy as I am. Some people thrive on meeting others and they are in their element at social gatherings.

As one local socialite said, “I’ll happily go to the opening of a handbag.”

Your advice would be better framed as aimed at those who are NOT excited and delighted to meet new people, instead of pretending that everyone is shy.

My list of 8 tips would be -

1. Introduce yourself
2. Make sure you get their name, ask them to repeat it if necessary and use any trick you know to fix the name in your memory
3. Smile and nod
4. Listen and ask questions
5. Use their name in one of your early responses
6. Smile and nod
7. Ask who else they know in the room
8. Keep them talking

Now, who is going to write a post on “Conversational exit strategies”? I need a few more strings in that bow!

5.

Leo Says:

November 13th, 2007, 23:08 pm

@Gillian: Goodness! Feel free to disagree with Cyan, but please be kind. There’s no need for rudeness. But thanks for adding your tips!

Regarding the socialites you mentioned: I think some people seem confident and outgoing, but inside they’re a bit different than they appear. I have some outgoing friends who’ve admitted this to me. Even the best public speakers in the world (I know one of them personally) get nervous speaking in front of a crowd or to strangers, but they’ve develop strategies to get good at it, and the confidence to match.

Miss Gisele B. Says:

November 14th, 2007, 1:28 am

Cyan and Leo,

These are great tips.

But, may I disagree with you. Even thought we are not shy by nature, every time you are confronted to a new crowd, it’s always a little (okay a lot) challenging because you don’t know how you’ll be received … even if you have a natural tendency to easily interact with strangers.

That said, I do agree with your tips, because these are tips I’ve had to use when I’ve found myself in unfamiliar surroundings and I had to strike up a conversation with a person I had just met (and I’m not shy at all).

I particularly like advice #6 – remember a detail.

I often have to do word associations to remember certain particular things about a new person. It’s amazing how you can impress someone by remembering little details. When you do that, it shows that you are paying attention and everyone loves feeling like someone is paying attention!

Gillian, those are excellent additions.

My best tip is when you feel uncomfortable …smile … so I’m quite partial to your #6!

Gisele
http://www.mybeautymatch.com

Gillian Says:

November 14th, 2007, 1:32 am

Hmmm… I didn’t expect the energetic disagreement of ‘nonsense’, to be read as unkind. I thought it was more or less midway on the adulation-abhorrence scale.

‘Nonsense’ is such an old-fashioned, prim, Agatha Christie word, veering towards Supernanny. Maybe it’s a cultural thing - not being American.

While you can point at individuals who have moments of shyness, the statement that ‘everyone is as shy as you are’ remains a wild over-statement that doesn’t have the ring of truth about it and that tended to discredit the advice list.

For me, the list of suggestions would have been helped by a more realistic lead-in. (This is useful feedback, yes?)

Seriously, Leo, how about a post on conversational exit strategies? How many readers struggle with that one? Am I the only one who feels like a conversational tar baby? (I wouldn’t go so far as to say ‘everyone gets as stuck in conversations as Gillian’, but I bet a lot of us have been stuck at times.)

Readers may have suggestions that are an improvement on “Excuse me, I have to see a man about a dog.”

Daly Says:

November 14th, 2007, 1:40 am

I still think I have social anxiety and so my shyness is often mistaken for being stuck up. I feel like I have to have an (alcohol) drink or two to settle my nerves so I can relax and talk to people–which I really enjoy doing once the awkwardness of being in a new situation with new people wears away.

Thanks for the reminder that it can be easy to overcome shyness. Effective but simple enough to remember the next time I find myself in a social situation.

Roy Says:

November 14th, 2007, 1:43 am

Cyan, these are great tips; thanks!

Cyan Says:

November 14th, 2007, 2:07 am

Hey guys,
Thanks for the feedback! I hope the article is helpful - it’s a bit intimidating contributing to such a great site! :)

Vik Dulat Says:

November 14th, 2007, 2:21 am

Excellent list. I especially like the compliment others. By doing this, you hope someone compliments you here and there.

Isobel Says:

November 14th, 2007, 2:26 am

Thanks for the great tips. I used to be OK socially and was never all that shy but, having spent over 9 months hardly meeting anyone except doctors and chemotherapy nurses, I’m finding it difficult to get back into the swing of normal social interaction. I find myself over-compensating my anxieties about meeting new people and that, combined with the fact that I actually feel fantastic now that all my treatment is over, is actually making me too effusive and I come away from new encounters feeling like and idiot. Having the list of tips to hang on - especially tips #2 and #3 - is going to be a big help.

Leo Says:

November 14th, 2007, 3:15 am

@Gillian: Hmmmm … it may be a cultural difference … calling someone’s article “nonsense” seems rude to me, especially when they’ve put a lot of effort into it and when so much of it makes perfect sense. :)

However, I’ll grant that that one sentence you pointed to might be an over-generalization … as a writer, I think it’s OK, though, as a bit of hyperbole often works well for an article.

Regarding your article suggestion … that’s an interesting one. I have to admit that I don’t have good suggestions. I usually just try to say that I have to get back to work (or whatever) without apologizing. I don’t like to write articles without living through them myself, so I’m hesitant to write it. :)

If anyone has better suggestions, let me know!

Naomi Says:

November 14th, 2007, 4:51 am

This is great. I’ve been painfully shy my whole life and I was just telling my socially skilled husband the other day that I’d like him to give me tips to overcome it. The tips he gave me were pretty much the same ones here. Now I just have to put them into practice!

Alex Ion Says:

November 14th, 2007, 5:59 am

It turned into a great debate and all I can say apart from the original article (which I think it’s great) I’ve found some more tips.

Zenhabits is great. Good job Leo.

Mark Says:

November 14th, 2007, 7:00 am

Cyan ~ nice work on your post.

Submitting a guest post to a popular site (e.g. ZenHabits) is like entering a very crowded living room at a party.

When the article does gets posted it’s much like being introduced to everyone at the gathering or the first time, all at once.

For those who are shy, if you know you will be in a social situation try to think of some simple conversation starters before you head out. We have to pick up guests for our business all the time and while I don’t consider myself shy, making conversation is part of my work.

Mark

Arielle Says:

November 14th, 2007, 8:38 am

I really enjoyed this post. I would consider myself to always have been the outgoing type who meets everyone at the party. However what you said is very true, I do believe that everyone on the inside is just as shy. I have always felt the same insecurities and fear, but at the same time I focus on what I do have to offer to a conversation making it easier to join a conversation.
Anybody can do it. :)

LK Says:

November 14th, 2007, 9:15 am

Initially, when I started reading the posts here, I enjoyed it but now I am beginning to get bored of the endless lists on how to improve..

Nothing really seems to work except creating momentary “goodie-goodie feeling” that things in my life would be better…

The posts are very theoretical.. One gets inspired but once one leaves the blog, things become the way they are… nothing changes…

Leo, you seemed to have developed many habits.. but by merely reading your posts, I have been inspired but the inspiration has not sustained.. It would be better if there were posts that would inspire one even after one leaves your blog…

Chris Says:

November 14th, 2007, 10:17 am

Point #3 is good, but sometimes it’s power gets overstated, as if it’s a kind of conversational cheat code for people who can’t think of what to say.

Being a good listener and letting people talk about themselves can help your cause here and there, but it won’t make everyone instantly love you just because you’re listening to them.

Some people like to do most of the talking and are happy to have an interested listener, but at other times they want to talk to someone who has lots to contribute themselves. Sometimes we want to talk to a chatty, entertaining person and have them amuse us.

Also, in louder, more crazy group conversations it won’t work so well.

Chris
http://www.succeedsocially.com

texafornia Says:

November 14th, 2007, 10:25 am

I used to do none of those things, then started doing all of them several years ago. It truly makes a great difference in life! Great post.

Miss Gisele B. Says:

November 14th, 2007, 11:41 am

Daly,

I never heard of “social anxiety” before. That makes sense that some people are really not in their elements in a crowd of strangers…and that can be mistaken.

Thanks so much for pointing this out because it will affect the way I interact with people who seem a bit distant when you first meet them. It’s not always unfriendliness … it can simply be social anxiety.

Leo, this is certainly a good discussion.

Gisele

Brad Newman Says:

November 14th, 2007, 11:45 am

Thanks for the great tips. I find just saying “Hi” to someone is the most effective way to break the ice. Nice, easy and simple way to get the ball rolling…. Is your model friend single?

Christerical Says:

November 14th, 2007, 12:46 pm

Not being shy can be dangerous. I’m generally not shy but have to control what comes out of mouth. Luckily the loved ones in my life have the where with all to pull me a side and let me know that I’m being NOT shy. :)

There’s a great book I’m reading now called “The No A??hole Rule”, by Robert I. Sutton, Ph.D. Talks about the folks who are not shy.

I love FreelanceSwitch as well as NorthxEast. Great website designs.

jim mcgrath Says:

November 14th, 2007, 12:53 pm

happiness poem:
Why does it seem so difficult ot see?
The fullness of silence that surrounds us.
the silence that is so full of life.
The life of clouds floating by,
the life of trees gently moving in the wind,
the distant sounds of birds in the trees,
The nymphs skimming the quiet, sunny water.
Why does it seem so difficult to feel?
The space between the words,
the moment between out thoughts,
the peace between the breaths,
the energy that allows it all to exist.
Why does it seem so difficult to see and feel
fwhen it is always there.

Eugene (Editor, Varsity Blah) Says:

November 14th, 2007, 12:59 pm

Great post! The most important thing is to definitely get people to talk about themselves by asking a lot of questions. Still, you can’t let it get too lopsided. My suggestion would be to talk about yourself and what’s going on in your life in such a way that it always leads back to the other person.

For example, if you happened to see a movie you really liked, after talking about it for a bit, you could ask the other person if they saw it too or if they’d seen any other good movies lately. Maybe then ask them what types of movies (or other leisure activities) they enjoy. Always make it about them!

Lael Says:

November 14th, 2007, 13:14 pm

“If a less attractive woman were to act as she does, she would be sympathized with, understood and efforts would be made to put her at her ease.”

Personally I’ve found that this has nothing to do with the attractiveness of the person but is a general reaction to shyness/discomfort. People tend to take it personally rather than realizing you’re the one who’s uncomfortable.

I’m only normally attractive but not very outgoing - definitely an introvert and have social anxiety in large crowds/lots of unknown people. I have several times through my life had friends tell that when they first met me they thought I was cold/stuck up/etc. Sometimes it comes up when discussing this very subject :) On the other hand, friends who met me for the first time when I was in a group of friends (i.e. comfortable ) have never told me that, and have instead told me that they always thought of me as very outgoing.

jim mcgrath Says:

November 14th, 2007, 13:30 pm

I had a channeled reading a few weeks ago. I suggest all look into Michael channeling.com In this life i seem to be working on arrogancy. I am shy around new people or new groups, and I think it is because i don’t want to make a fool of myself or say something that seems stupid. So I do step forward and introduce myself to overcome these fears.

Acheman Says:

November 14th, 2007, 14:27 pm

Gillian - I’d agree with you that it was cultural. Several of the tips here were rather, uh, American as well. I mean, it’s hardly the case that many British small-talk conversations consist of the two parties trying to prove how great their lives are, is it? My number one tip for British small talk would be to talk about something that’s gone wrong for you recently, and try to make it seem as if the thing went more drastically wrong than it did and as if this was the result of extreme incompetence on your part and possibly also that of some distant and faceless entity such as the government or a large company. Do this in a funny way. It’s possible to go too far with this, but it certainly helps with the panic of not having anything to say. I am only half joking when I say this.
Complimenting an Englishman/woman or even asking them in detail about themselves too soon in the conversation could easily make them feel awkward and uncomfortable.

ELK Says:

November 14th, 2007, 14:43 pm

#5 is actually one that caught my eye.
I’m fairly introverted, and therefor all the people I seem to be attracted too are extroverts. This is because these people are the easiest to talk to - they initiate. My friends, co-worker/friends/ and romantic partners have all been extroverts. Not that there’s anything wrong with them, but I might do good to befriend someone more like me (especially in a romantic situation) but I find it so hard to talk to women who are like…me.

Mel Says:

November 14th, 2007, 15:15 pm

Gillian–

My number 1 exit is to indroduce people to each other. At the start of a function, I’m as warm as the host,* briefly welcoming people, introducing myself and then excusing myself (with a promise to talk again) to meet the next newcomer.

* When people know I’m not the host, they just assume that I’m really nice and social, rather than cracked. I am from the States though, so your milage may vary.

Later, if I need an exit, I just tell the person I am with that I think they’d get a kick out of meeting [whoever], and ask them to come with me and meet them. I introduce them, and after they are talking, I excuse myself to get another drink or to say hello to someone else. Churn, churn, churn…

I never fill my glass more than half-full, so I can finish it off casually if I need to excuse myself. I also stand at an open angle with the other person, to give the signal to others that it is an open conversation and anyone can join us.

When in the office, I evenually mention my deadline, and sigh that I have to go back to work.

Or I will ask the other person to walk with me either to pick up printouts or to the kitchen for a fresh cup of coffee. They usually decide to just go back to work, but if they join me, they switch back into work mode by the time we return to the offices.

In any case, “come join me” is always a great way to facilitate an exit.

Gillian Says:

November 14th, 2007, 15:57 pm

@Acheman… ah, I see that my Agatha Christie and Supernanny references implied that I’m British. I am Australian - though I think that to Americans we Aussies come across as somewhat British. An Israeli visitor recently teased me about ‘Australian understatement’ and I believe that self-deprecating irony is a strong strand in our humour. So you’re spot-on about not encountering too many conversations of competing boastfulness in our part of the world.

Except when there is also a gender element. I’ve stood through a good number of conversations with men where they rabbit on about their achievements while I nod. Perhaps they were expecting me to interrupt (as they do) and take the floor with some impressive comments of my own. Erk, I don’t want to play that game.

Actually, these situations sometimes become a chance to feel your feet on the floor, follow the breath and take in the ambient noise.

@Mel - many thanks for your suggestions. I really like your suggestion to stand at an angle.

Also, do you think there is something about having a sense of control over the exchange, rather than a sense of helplessness. When I have more of a sense of control, I don’t go so blank on ‘moving on’ strategies. Playing host would be one way of getting a sense of control. I think I might have a go at a kind of ‘host role play’ next time I’m feeling stuck. So, many thanks!

xen Says:

November 14th, 2007, 18:17 pm

I really like zen habits, but this is sadly one of the few articles I don’t like. I remember a post on Digg to an article where it ask a questions in this direction: “When did shyness become a mental illness?”

Some people are very out going and some are not. I doesn’t help people who are shy telling then they are “wrong”.

I feel that the article about introverts and extroverts is far more important:
http://briankim.net/blog/2007/10/top-5-things-every-extrovert-should-know-about-introverts/

And yes, I am shy, but I have become better, but still, I am comfortable with it because it is who I am. I am also an introvert and proud of that too, because I accept who I am, which makesit easier for me to accept others for who they are.

Leo Says:

November 14th, 2007, 18:22 pm

@xen: Thanks for the great points … but I interpreted the intent of this article differently: it’s not saying that shyness is wrong, but that *if* shy people want to learn to be more outgoing, then these tips are for them. Not everybody wants to (or should) overcome shyness, but some do.

Joe Fier Says:

November 14th, 2007, 19:56 pm

That’s a great article you posted here. I know so many people that are in this same stance in life. It almost seems detremental to people when they can’t approach people and conversate. I used to be one that felt shy around almost everyone, but I flipped a switch and implemented tips like these.

To everyone out there that feel more shy than confident, use these tips, they help!

Tabatha Says:

November 14th, 2007, 21:21 pm

These are really good tips. I always have trouble convincing myself that other people feel the exact same way I do around others, especially people I don’t know. It’s good to see that confirmed in black and white.

xen Says:

November 15th, 2007, 2:58 am

@Leo:

True. They are great tips, but if I’m continuing kind of the role of the devils advocate here; what about an article that is kind of the opposite? Giving tips to those who are not shy, how to be shy? Think I’ll ponder on that one and write something just for fun this weekend.
(^_^)

Naomi Says:

November 15th, 2007, 3:45 am

I didn’t take this as saying there was anything wrong with being shy either. Truth is, shyness often has a negative impact on people’s lives. We have a lot of social interactions every day and it’s important to communicate with other people. I have my own business with my husband and we have to work to get new clients and communicate with existing ones every day. Being shy doesn’t get me anywhere there.

Also, we shouldn’t be confusing being an introvert with being shy. I am personally an introvert and feel fine with that, but shyness is another thing altogether. I find it hard to think that someone is very shy and happy about it because it’s negative by nature. It causes a person anxiety and that’s not exactly a comfortable way to be.

xen Says:

November 15th, 2007, 5:23 am

@Naomi: I fully understand what you mean, but I feel that shyness, or more that not being extremely social is being seen as a weakness and to some extent a mental illness.

You imply that if someone is shy, they can’t be happy. How do you know that? This only show your prejudges against someone who isn’t as social as you are. And if someone is shy, a comment like that will for sure make them unhappy.

And might I be so bold to ask on what you base your claim that being shy is negative by nature?

I think so many people become shy isn’t just because of shyness itself, but also people tell them are shy and it is negative by nature and wrong. Being told their way of being is negative by nature and is wrong in my eyes is a a sign of lack of empathy.

We see this too much around us. On TV, ads, magazines and what not. Bluntly, if you’re not social and outgoing, you are a loser. No wonder some people become even more shy and feel bad about themselves.

Naomi Says:

November 15th, 2007, 6:13 am

@xen: I agree with you that there is a lack of empathy for people who are shy, but I think you are misunderstanding what I mean. I don’t think it really matters what people think or not of the person who has it, the thing that’s negative about it is that it’s detrimental for the person who has it.

It’s a social anxiety that causes problems for the people who have it. We all have to communicate with other people, we can’t just live in a shell alone. When this is difficult to do, it causes problems for the person who is shy.

Also, I didn’t say that someone who is shy can’t be happy. I said that I find it hard to believe that someone could be happy with being shy itself. It has a negative impact on a person’s life. I don’t know how it could really be a positive thing for a person regardless of how other people judge that person or not. It causes a lot of anxiety and worry for a person, that’s not positive by any means.

Of course I don’t have hard evidence, but this is a somewhat subjective thing we are talking about here anyway. What I do know is that everyone I’ve talked to that has problems with social interaction doesn’t feel happy about it.

I mentioned above that I have been very shy my whole life. I don’t care whether or not people think I’m shy or if I have a problem. What I care about is that I can’t communicate the way I’d like to or show affection to the people I love the way I want to. Obviously this is a problem. Not everyone has to or wants to work on overcoming their shyness, but there are many of us that do.

I agree with you about making the people feel bad about their shyness not helping them at all. That’s true, it only makes it worse. However, I don’t think this article in particular had that intention at all. I don’t see how offering tips for helping people overcome their shyness could be considered judgmental. That’s like saying that an article with tips on how to paint your house is implying that there is something wrong with the paint job it has now. That doesn’t make any sense. If things are that way, we might as well get rid of all of the self-help and tips articles in case we offend somebody.

xen Says:

November 15th, 2007, 15:24 pm

@Naomi: I think you hit the spot there with mentioning social anxiety, because from what I’ve read and from what I feel; social anxiety and shyness is two different ballparks. And that is where I am critical against this sudden urge to tell people who are or think they are shy that they have a problem which they need to fix.

And using the how to paint your house is kind of like painting the world in black and white. In short, it is what is called a straw-man argument. A house is an object, an object without feelings. Shyness and social anxiety is personal and directly personally linked to a human beings feelings.

I too have been very shy, but still are. In a strange way, I manage to function without issues with it and have lived in (counting the country I was born in) 3 different countries. Reason? Maybe because I don’t see my shyness as a problem.

I think I can sum it all up in this simple, but very important thought: It is only a problem if you think it is a problem.

Leo Says:

November 15th, 2007, 19:17 pm

Great discussion guys! Quick question, out of ignorance: what’s the difference between shyness and being an introvert?

Mark Says:

November 15th, 2007, 19:31 pm

Leo ~ According to Merriam-Webster Dictionary:

shyness - disposed to avoid a person or thing, or hesitant in committing oneself

introvert - one whose personality is characterized by introversion; broadly : a reserved or shy person

Leo Says:

November 15th, 2007, 20:07 pm

@Mark: Thanks … I actually had already looked that up, and that’s why I have to confess ignorance: from the dictionary definition, an introvert is (in general) a shy person … so what is the difference? I’m not saying there’s no difference, but I just don’t understand. :)

Mark Says:

November 15th, 2007, 20:16 pm

Hi Leo ~ I figured as much…

Myself, I have always considered someone who is an introvert to be a person that has more of a social anxiety issue, or someone who is extremely uncomfortable in social situations.

Whereas, shyness would be general uneasiness around new people but you can still cope.

Although, I am sure someone else on here can explain it much better :)

xen Says:

November 16th, 2007, 3:05 am

This is a great article about what an introvert is:

http://briankim.net/blog/2007/10/top-5-things-every-extrovert-should-know-about-introverts/

Acheman Says:

November 16th, 2007, 6:13 am

The colloquial use of ‘introvert’ means shy person. But if you also allow a fairly common, and arguably, because distinct, more useful, meaning that comes down to us from Jung, an introvert is someone who doesn’t [i]want[/i] to meet and speak to people as much as an extrovert, whereas a shy person wants to but doesn’t because they’re anxious or hesitant when doing so. Introversion can then be elaborated as a personality trait, so that introverts are spoken of sometimes as having less of a need for new experiences and having a greater tolerance for a quiet life. You can find this stated in terms of where people get their ‘energy’ from, and although vague invocations of energy are often a sign of a bullshit theory, it can be a useful elucidation when it’s translated into the idea that an extrovert would feel energised by a large social gathering, whereas an introvert would feel exhausted by it. There was, I believe, a study which suggested that there might be a correlation to how aroused (in the non-sexual sense) ones brain had a tendency to be as a baseline, without external stimuli.
Obviously the distinction between introversion and shyness isn’t going to be as straightforward as all that, though, because they aren’t likely to be independent of one another, and because most ‘tests’ will be likely to confuse them. They aren’t independent because introversion and shyness are probably both at least slightly malleable - shyness in fact is probably considerably malleable, as things like this post indicate. Extroverts need people, so they’re going to be much more strongly motivated to overcome shyness, even when there are costs to it such as enduring a few agonisingly uncomfortable encounters during the overcoming process. And shy people are more motivated to increase their introversion as a coping mechanism, so if introversion can be changed at all we would expect it to be correlated with shyness (non-shy people are unlikely to think that the costs imposed upon introversion in a society that’s broadly designed to be easier if you’re an extrovert are worth undergoing to be more introverted.) Moreover, even questions like the party-energy one I described earlier, which attempt to get to the bottom of introversion/extroversion by looking at underlying mechanisms rather than behaviour are going to be muddied by shyness. This is because anxiety is exhausting. In fact, one might speculate that a shy extrovert might be more exhausted by a social gathering even than a shy introvert, because they’re suffering from an exhausting conflict - they really want to socialise, but it terrifies them. Conflicts tire people out. So drawing the line between the two isn’t simple.

Acheman Says:

November 16th, 2007, 6:25 am

@ Gillian - You’re right, the references made me read the tone of your post as that of a certain kind of robust plain-speaking that can be more acceptable over here, too. It’s funny though that you say Americans see you as being like British people, because I think that the stereotypical view of Australians here is probably somewhat similar to the stereotypical view of Americans, though perhaps a with a little less opprobrium attached: friendly, energetic, cheerful. But then stereotypes like that tend to highlight differences rather than similarities. I also suspect that things which have gone into the making of that stereotype include the fact that a lot of Australians in Britain are on one-year visas, and consequently are more likely to be working in service professions where they’re required to pretend, at least, to be friendly, energetic and cheerful. It’s also been suggested that the Australians in Britain are the kind of people who are prepared to move to the other side of the world, and so are probably skewed towards positive, novelty-seeking go-getter traits rather than the reverse.

Gillian Says:

November 20th, 2007, 6:09 am

Hi Acheman, I have lived in England for some years and one key difference is that the English are quite indirect compared with Australians. We are likely to go straight to the point. A spade is a spade, not a digging implement. Like the British, and unlike Americans, we are fairly reticent about singing our own praises. Tall Poppy Syndrome is big here.

Even here in Australia, we’re seen as friendly — or so I hear from visitors. Current visitors from Israel have commented with some surprise on how helpful people in the street are.

Re introverts… the key factor is that they don’t thrive on social contact - they find it tiring rather than invigorating. They may or may not be shy.

Introversion/extraversion is one of the most stable and well-tested character traits and is one of the dimensions on widely used Five Factor Personality Test.

A handy definition of an extravert is that that something isn’t real till they’ve told it to three people. Introverts, on the other hand, only have to think it for it to be real. (Not so good when it comes to paying bills, which require more than thinking about it.)

So, in the context of this discussion, I would say that extraverts would enjoy mingling with strangers at a social function, even if they had some minor hesitancy to start with. In contrast, introverts would be exhausted by it — it would be a chore and a much bigger hurdle to surmount - with less reward.

Natalie Says:

November 20th, 2007, 18:30 pm

I have suffered from shyness over the years (i still do but it doesn’t destroy my life like it did before) and i have read a few self-help books about this.

The best advice i’ve had was to remember that almost everyone is shy in one form or another.

Another good tip was to train yourself to remember the positive things after a meeting, rather than focusing on the negative things, which is what most shy people do apparently (i am certainly guilty of this). Every new meeting with someone will have good and bad moments but by focusing on the good ones, you will build up your confidence.

Andre Says:

November 23rd, 2007, 11:01 am

Hi. Good tips.
There is also another (additional) way to compliment a person. Compliment his work, restate that and how it’s useful or will impress our custommers etc. It’s easier and seems to be more honest and believable (if you mean it, of course). This might be a cultural issue, though.