5 Out-of-the-Box Ways to Connect with your Teen, Tween and Young Kids

Rudolf Olah Says:

December 4th, 2007, 20:50 pm

Just a quick note about drugs. The drugs aren’t the problem, it’s whatever the teen has as a problem already that drives them to it. So if they’re depressed, they’ll be more likely to go for a quick-fix.

Anyway, well-written article. I like the idea of rating your day. I think some teens already do this with daily journals or blogs like LiveJournal or Vox. Some things just have to be kept away from parents :P

Free Fall Creative Says:

December 4th, 2007, 21:00 pm

I don’t have kids but I like the idea of the 5 words per week they don’t recognize. I might do that myself with my girlfriend.

And about the drugs, yes, kids don’t do drugs and THEN get problems its usually the other way around.

Parents also should notice that BEATING and YELLING at your children isn’t the only bad thing you can do to them. Neglecting them and paying the child no attention is another way of pushing your kid away.

luke Says:

December 4th, 2007, 21:12 pm

Getting everyone together for dinner is really tough! Especially since our daughter is pretty young (8) she needs to be in bed at a decent time; it’s a constant push to give her the sleep she needs.

I often eat with her (my wife has a very busy work schedule and misses many dinners), and even if it’s just a quick snack we usually chat about something or other.

But I’ve realized that a place where we connect pretty deeply is just in the car, on the way to and from school. We chat about politics, “mean girls” or what happened that day. Sometimes I quiz her on spelling or math (I try to keep that stuff light and fun), or we play a car game (”I’m thinking of a three-letter word…”)

If I had to pick a place where we really connect “as a family” it’s during those times, not so much in the later evenings. Dinner (and breakfast too) together is a bonus for sure, but not the main time.

Oak McIlwain Says:

December 4th, 2007, 22:18 pm

I think one of the biggest reasons anyone does drugs (regardless of age) is because when used correctly and responsibly they can be very fun and provide interesting and alternative experiences and perspectives to life.

The other note I would like to make is that many teenagers are going to try drugs regardless of what you do or say so I think it is a good idea to provide as much unbiased information about drugs as you can to your children. This will also have the added benefit of creating an atmosphere of honesty and openness around the topic so that they will be less likely to hide things from you and do things without your knowledge.

Steve Nguyen Says:

December 4th, 2007, 22:24 pm

As a former behavior specialist and one who still works with students (college), one trend that I see with our “behavioral problem students” were those who came from broken homes or those who had absentee parents. Of course children’s own personalities and traits play an important role in their own behaviors, but more often than not, families that are interested in their kids’ lives have kids who are interested in themselves and who develop good self-esteem.

MJ Says:

December 4th, 2007, 22:31 pm

How to connect with your kids? Show them how much you love them.

Everyone does this is a different way. I’m touchy feelly, so I hug them. I’m intently interested in what they have to say and love to listen to music they really love. I don’t take them for granted, because I know things always change and they change so dramatically fast.

You have your own ways of showing true love. So just do that.

RKB Says:

December 4th, 2007, 23:18 pm

May not work with kids of all ages, but I’ve played a game with my daughters for years that all but eliminates awkward silences at the dinner table. We call it “Two Truths And a Lie.” Point is to share three things about your day, one that’s fictional. The other person guesses. We have a simple scoring system (3 points if you get the lie on the first guess, 2 points if you get it on the second, and 1 point if you don’t guess it right at all).

They’re somewhat competitive, and they like beating their Dad at this (and, I admit, sometimes I make bad guesses on purpose).

But the great thing about it is that I get a chance to ask clarifying questions during the game, and followup questions after a round, in which I’m able to stay very connected with what they’re doing during the day. They love playing it because they can always beat me. I love playing it because I learn so much more about their day than simply asking “what did you do at school today?”

Eugene (Editor, Varsity Blah) Says:

December 5th, 2007, 1:26 am

I’m 21 and one piece of advice I’d give to parents is this: Be their parents, not their friends. Of course it’s possible to be both but I still think it’s more important for them to respect you first and like you second. With that in place, everything else can build from there.

Miss Gisele B. Says:

December 5th, 2007, 1:50 am

This is a great post Leo.

I don’t have any little kiddies, tweens or teens, but I’ll surely past this post on to friends who might need some insight on connecting with their children!

Gisele

Vanessa Van Petten Says:

December 5th, 2007, 2:11 am

That truth and a lie game is a great idea! I agree that many teenagers turn to drugs when they are feeling at their darkest. They might also have friends that are going down that cycle and then try drugs with them.

Thanks so much for the feedback everyone and the additions about teen behavior!

dimmak Says:

December 5th, 2007, 2:29 am

How about 5 out-of-the-Box ways to connect in the opposite direction… So far the only thing working is the scared straight tactic.

Vanessa Van Petten Says:

December 5th, 2007, 2:47 am

Well, you have to be careful, scare tactics can go awfully wrong depending on the teen/kid. Sometimes they can work in intimidating kids into ‘doing the right thing.’ Yet, more often than not, I feel like many of my friends were scared temporarily, but then were faced again and again with the situation and saw other people get by ok and the fear went away. Hopefully by building a connection teens learn not to do something unsafe because they value their health/reputation/safety etc and can learn to judge possible consequences on their own. But, of course, some teens will try things no matter what the consequences.

Leo Says:

December 5th, 2007, 2:50 am

@Miss Gisele: Just to clarify, this is a guest post from Vanessa Van Petten … and I’d like to thank her for doing such a great job! She certainly offers a different perspective from mine on an important topic.

Candice Morrison Says:

December 5th, 2007, 4:11 am

Hi Leo,
I have 2 little daughters (21 months and 5 years) and I find that gardening is a great way to connect with the smaller kids. They can dig around in the dirt or ride bikes will I plant and de-weed or even pick flowers that they have grown for their teachers as thank you gifts.

Thank you for the many ideas though, I will be sure to try a few and let you know how it’s going.

Kenneth Says:

December 5th, 2007, 10:52 am

This is so true and I personally saw few example of it. Teenager needs love and to be accepted by that stage. Lack of that causes them to start going out to fullfill the needs and eventually most of them ends up hanging out with the wrong people.

Anyway, sometimes it’s too late because most of the teenager has locked their heart and not willing to open to their parents anymore. That’s why it’s the best to build a strong relationship with children when they are still young.

Warp Says:

December 5th, 2007, 12:05 pm

Irrespective of my lack of children, I really enjoyed this post!

Of course, I have one gripe. Regarding the suggestion to visit a local shelter or rescue, I strongly protest. Shelters are astoundingly busy places, with busy, over-worked staff. Utilizing their limited resources as an avenue for bonding is an inconsiderate act.

Instead, please consider volunteering at a shelter with your child/children (various shelters have programs that allow children to volunteer when in the company of an adult). This would provide an equally wonderful opportunity to learn and bond, but contributes to a given shelter rather than drawing from their short supply of resources.

Beth Says:

December 5th, 2007, 12:43 pm

Thanks Vanessa (and Leo) - what a great post!

I have a fourteen-yo and an eleven-yo and work in a public library. SOOO many of my kids’ friends have absentee parents, I’ve become “library mom” to several of them, they come into my office after school and talk about their day, come to me to resolve conflicts between them, or ask for advice. I’m grateful every single day that I have a job where I can have my kids with me in an environment that’s fun and enriching for them too.

We do each of these five things, to one extent or another.

Craig Says:

December 5th, 2007, 12:58 pm

I have to agree with Eugene that the first place to start is by being a parent to your kids first, not their buddy. That doesn’t mean you can’t have fun together, it just means that there is a clear roles defined. I’m a parent to my 10 and 14 year olds, my ex-wife is a buddy. Guess who gets respect from both of them and guess who gets treated like crap?

As for the rate your day game, it’s a great idea but starting at around 10 or so here’s how it goes:

“What was the best part of your day?”
“I don’t know. Nothing.”
“Well, what was the worst part?”
“Nothing.”
“Did anything interesting happen?”
“No.”
“Did anything bad happen?”
“No.”

mike williams Says:

December 5th, 2007, 20:19 pm

Excellent topic… I just wrote a segment on this at my blog. It talks about some positive rituals I’ve built around breakfast time with my kids. Summary - If you create space for conversation, it will show up. Click here to ready more.

http://zonebyzone.blogspot.com/2007/12/early-morning-with-kids.html

BTW… Love your blog. I’ve been hanging on the sidelines for a while.

dimmak Says:

December 5th, 2007, 22:03 pm

My scared straight tactic was referring to adults. Particularly my father.

Susan Says:

December 5th, 2007, 22:57 pm

Where is the Posts by Month archive link?

Keith McCarthy Says:

December 6th, 2007, 2:09 am

My wife and I have six kids. I am often gone, whether due to work, volunteer activities, buddies…whatever.

One thing that works is that I give haircuts to our five boys. It’s nothing deep, not necessarily much conversation (the TV is on). But a memorable event happens, and a haircut is in some ways an intimate experience.

Yes, there are other things that I/we do, but the one worth mentioning at the moment is the haircuts.

Laocoon Says:

December 8th, 2007, 9:16 am

Teens try drugs for a lot of reasons — for me, it was a combination of the thrill of tweaking my nose at various authorities, the allure of a mind-bending experience, the desire to bond with my friends and seem “cooler,” an expression of my alienation from most of my peers and adult society, and a relatively passive way to “act out” against my family’s high expectations for me. For all these reasons and probably more, I tried pot when I was 15, and kept doing it. Now I’m an Ivy League student with a GPA over 3.0, a nicotine addiction, and substance abuse issues with both alcohol and marijuana. Want your kid to be successful? Sure, bonding with them helps. The next step is to passively build a deep feeling in them that your happiness (and self-esteem if you want to be really devious) rests on their success - if your bond is sufficient, they will ruin themselves to please you. Want your kid to be happy? Tough titties. Nobody is always happy. Want your kid to be themselves? Now that’s a goal that’s both realistic and worth pursuing. Ambition for ambition’s sake isn’t healthy. Integrity and earnest engagement naturally lead to success, happiness, and strong interpersonal bonds, without so many messy bits.

Jon A Says:

December 9th, 2007, 4:39 am

Great suggestions.

I’d modify the ‘rate your day’ activity a tiny bit, however. I used to work as a residential counselor in a group home and we used it at our dinner table. I found the ‘good thing–bad thing’ formula tended to end the person’s sharing on a low note and emphasized the negative of the day rather than the positive. This was especially bad since these kids had never really learned to let go when bad things happened.

We turned the formula around to ‘bad thing–good thing.’ It made a huge difference in that it allowed them to end on an up note rather than a down note.

The Parents Zone Says:

December 10th, 2007, 3:22 am

I liked this one..Tap in to your Local because it is very important to know our kids like. Parenting a teenager needs patience, encouragement for independent thoughts and a close relation and communication with the teen.

charlotte Says:

December 11th, 2007, 12:18 pm

Great post. I work with stepfamilies, and especially then it is vital wo stay connected with your kids. I am for sure going to use these tips for my own family and in my coaching. Well done.