Photo courtesy of FreeWine 12 Practical Steps for Learning to Go With the Flow
“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them - that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” - Lao-Tzu
No matter how much structure we create in our lives, no matter how many good habits we build, there will always be things that we cannot control — and if we let them, these things can be a huge source of anger, frustration and stress.
The simple solution: learn to go with the flow.
“Smile, breathe and go slowly.” - Thich Nhat Hanh
For example, let’s say you’ve created the perfect peaceful morning routine. You’ve structured your mornings so that you do things that bring you calm and happiness. And then a water pipe bursts in your bathroom and you spend a stressful morning trying to clean up the mess and get the pipe fixed.
You get angry. You are disappointed, because you didn’t get to do your morning routine. You are stressed from all these changes to what you’re used to. It ruins your day because you are frustrated for the rest of the day.
Not the best way to handle things, is it? And yet if we are honest, most of us have problems like this, with things that disrupt how we like things, with people who change what we are used to, with life when it doesn’t go the way we want it to go.
Go with the flow.
What is going with the flow? It’s rolling with the punches. It’s accepting change without getting angry or frustrated. It’s taking what life gives you, rather than trying to mold life to be exactly as you want it to be.
“Flow with whatever is happening and let your mind be free. Stay centered by accepting whatever you are doing. This is the ultimate.” - Chuang Tzu
A reader recently asked me to write more about going with the flow, so this is my attempt to share some of the things that work for me. As always, I don’t have any claims to perfection, and I’m learning as I improve, but the tips below should help anyone.
- Realize that you can’t control everything. I think we all know this at some level, but the way we think and act and feel many times contradicts this basic truth. We don’t control the universe, and yet we seem to wish we could. All the wishful thinking won’t make it so. You can’t even control everything within your own little sphere of influence — you can influence things, but many things are simply out of your control. In the example above, you can control your morning routine, but there will be things that happen from time to time (someone’s sick, accident happens, phone call comes at 5 a.m. that disrupts things, etc.) that will make you break your routine. First step is realizing that these things will happen. Not might happen, but will. There are things that we cannot control that will affect every aspect of our lives, and we must must must accept that, or we will constantly be frustrated. Meditate on this for awhile.
- Become aware. I’ve mentioned this step in previous articles on other topics, but that’s because it’s extremely important. You can’t change things in your head if you’re not aware of them. You have to become an observer of your thoughts, a self-examiner. Be aware that you’re becoming upset, so that you can do something about it. It helps to keep tally marks in a little notebook for a week — every time you get upset, put a little tally. That’s all — just keep tally. And soon, because of that little act, you will become more aware of your anger and frustration.
- Breathe. When you feel yourself getting angry or frustrated, take a deep breath. Take a few. This is an important step that allows you to calm down and do the rest of the things on this list. Practice this by itself and you’ll have come a long way already.
- Get perspective. This always helps me. I get angry over something happening — my car breaks down, my kids ruin my microwave — and then I take a deep breath, and take a step back. You know how you’re watching a movie and the camera zooms away and you can see much more of the world on the screen than you could before? How it goes from closeup to a larger, panoramic view of things? That’s what happens in my mind’s eye. I start to zoom away, until I’m pretty far away from things. Then whatever happened doesn’t seem so important. A week from now, a year from now, this little incident won’t matter a single whit. No one will care, not even you. So why get upset about it? Just let it go, and soon it won’t be a big deal.
- Practice. It’s important to realize that, just like when you learn any skill, you probably won’t be good at this at first. Who is good when they are first learning to write, or read, or drive? No one I know. Skills come with practice. So when you first learn to go with the flow, you will mess up. You will stumble and fall. That’s OK — it’s part of the process. Just keep practicing, and you’ll get the hang of it. Someday, you may even become a Zen Master and write a guest post on what you’ve learned for Zen Habits. :)
- Baby steps. Along the same lines, take things in small steps. Don’t try to become that Zen Master mentioned above overnight. Don’t try to bite off huge chunks — just bite off something small at first. So make your first attempts to go with the flow small ones: focus on the tally marks (mentioned above) first. Then focus on breathing. Then try to get perspective after you breathe. And you might try the easier situations first — if your work problems are easier to accept than your frustrations with your kids, for example, start with work.
- Laugh. It helps me to see things as funny, rather than frustrating. Car broke down in the middle of traffic and I have no cell phone or spare tire? Laugh at my own incompetence. Laugh at the absurdity of the situation. That requires a certain amount of detachment — you can laugh at the situation if you’re above it, but not within it. And that detachment is a good thing. If you can learn to laugh at things, you’ve come a long way. Try laughing even if you don’t think it’s funny — it will most likely become funny.
- Keep a journal. This is one of the best uses of a journal actually. Once a day, try to recall what all your tally marks were for — and then write about those situations. Why did you get upset? What did you try to do? Did it work, and if not, why not? What can you do next time? This kind of recollection and examination, after the fact, will help you learn from the process.
- Meditate. If you aren’t good at keeping a journal, at least do a daily review in your head. Do some meditation, or have a bath, or a cup of hot tea, and as you’re de-stressing, go over your day and examine it. Don’t get frustrated — you’re learning. Do some deep breathing, and then go over each situation, trying to see it as a detached observer. This kind of review will help you improve in the learning process.
- Realize that you can’t control others. Ah, one of the biggest challenges. We get frustrated with other people, because they don’t act the way we want them to act. Maybe it’s our kids, maybe it’s our spouse or significant other, maybe it’s our coworker or boss, maybe it’s our mom or best friend. But we have to realize that they are acting according to their personality, according to what they feel is right, and they are not going to do what we want all of the time. And we have to accept that. Accept that we can’t control them, accept them for who they are, accept the things they do. It’s not easy, but again, it takes practice.
- Accept change and imperfection. When we get things the way we like them, we usually don’t want them to change. But they will change. It’s a fact of life. We cannot keep things the way we want them to be … instead, it’s better to learn to accept things as they are. Accept that the world is constantly changing, and we are a part of that change. Also, instead of wanting things to be “perfect” (and what is perfect anyway?), we should accept that they will never be perfect, and we must accept good instead.
- Enjoy life as a flow of change, chaos and beauty. Remember when I asked what “perfect” is, in the paragraph above? It’s actually a very interesting question. Does perfect mean the ideal life and world that we have in our heads? Do we have an ideal that we try to make the world conform to? Because that will likely never happen. Instead, try seeing the world as perfect the way it is. It’s messy, chaotic, painful, sad, dirty … and completely perfect. The world is beautiful, just as it is. Life is not something static, but a flow of change, never staying the same, always getting messier and more chaotic, always beautiful. There is beauty in everything around us, if we look at it as perfect.
“I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me.” - Bob Dylan
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- Posted on 27 February 2008 in Happiness |
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Comments (96)
Simon Says:
February 27th, 2008, 21:35 pm
Great post Leo, many thanks. I can’t even pick a favourite tip!
Simon
RS Says:
February 27th, 2008, 21:42 pm
Thanks for posting this. I tend to get really frustrated when things go wrong from the way I planned and it ruins my mood for the rest of the day, so I really hope I can work on this.
-RS
Crystal from www.jewelfaerie.com Says:
February 27th, 2008, 21:45 pm
It’s funny, because my Mom and I have had a few discussions about a historical religious fact, and she’s torn as to what she believes. I said, “Mom, would either scenario change your faith?” “No, it wouldn’t” she replied. “Then, if it makes you happy to chew over this, keep doing it. But if it’s giving you a headache, quit. Because the end result is the same” I said.
I think we spend soooo much time and energy worrying over things we can’t change or control, as if the energy expended on worrying will do something. If you believe in the law of attraction, however, then the energy expended on worrying causes…more worrying. What if, instead, we spent our energy on something positive instead? Like doing things we love, or spending time with our loved ones? Being an example by living in peace? What would the law of attraction bring us then?
Great post Leo, thanks!
~Crystal
http://www.jewelfaerie.com
Dave Says:
February 27th, 2008, 21:52 pm
Leo, more and more you are reminding me of my fave writer, Eckhart Tolle. I wonder if you’ve read any of his books like The Power of Now or A New Earth? You guys are soul brothers.
creativelyselfemployed.com Says:
February 27th, 2008, 21:59 pm
so true, so true, about letting go. sometimes you just need a break to process an interruption and then you can keep going.:)
Alex Shalman Says:
February 27th, 2008, 22:20 pm
You’re right, realizing that we can’t control other people is one of life’s biggest challenges. It’s especially difficult when we KNOW they are making the wrong decision. We must remember, it’s their life, to make their own mistakes, to learn their own lessons.
Robert Says:
February 27th, 2008, 22:30 pm
Great post as usual Leo, and Dave and I were thinking the same thought - “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle is one of my favorite books. One concept from the book that has helped me in times of despair is: if you’re in an unhappy situation, there are only 3 choices that will free you from it 1) change the situation, 2) get out of the situation, and 3) if neither 1 or 2 are possible, then accept the situation in totality and make peace with yourself. I recently fractured my ankle requiring surgical hardware, and being an avid hiker as well as a professional outdoor photographer, I was devastated to say the least. Once I accepted the fact that the present was the only thing that mattered, my outlook changed and what originally seemed insurmountable became something to build and learn from. This concept certainly helped me, as well as finding Zen Habits with it’s equally positive and advice. Thanks!
banji - LessonInLife.com Says:
February 27th, 2008, 22:47 pm
Another way to go with the flow, is to see anything that ruin our morning routine as a challenge. A test of whether or not we are as committed as we think.
I don’t know about others, but I personally will be more excited to face anything once I identify it as a challenge.
Kudos on the great post Leo
Rose Garden Says:
February 27th, 2008, 22:52 pm
Good reading… the dog is asking me to go with the flow now, but I wanted to let you know that I enjoyed this post!
Mike OD - IF Life Says:
February 27th, 2008, 23:36 pm
Good post.
Present moment awareness is something I try to practice…especially when I find myself upset, anxious, fearful, nervous, or any negative feeling….as they are all either tied to the past or future that hasn’t happened….nothing to do with the present moment. So just have to refocus back to the “Now” (as E Tolle says, great book btw) and enjoy life.
Avrum Nadigel Says:
February 27th, 2008, 23:50 pm
It’s not the cheapest or most efficient approach, but a talented long-term therapist (yes, the psycho-dynamic variety) can do wonders for self-awareness within “present moment” experiences.
Mindfulness mediation workshops (9 week courses are offered at most urban hospitals) are key to developing the skills and habits at putting Leo’s advice into practise.
Good post.
Stephen Martile Says:
February 28th, 2008, 0:06 am
Leo - very insightful.
You caught me when you said,
‘Accept that the world is constantly changing, and we are a part of that change.’
Well said and also very true. If you were to take an inventory of all the cells in your body one year ago and compare those cells to the ones you have today, you would discover that 100% of your old cells have been replaced. In effect you have created an entirely new body. If there is one constant in the world, it is change.
To read the rest of this article, see:
Change
http://www.stephenmartile.com/?p=105
Stephen Martile
Personal Development Made Simple
http://www.stephenmartile.com
Corey -Simple Marriage Project Says:
February 28th, 2008, 0:19 am
I love numbers 11 and 12, especially if you apply the principle to marriage. Learn to go with the flow will make marriage more satisfying. We will find what we are looking for. Go with the flow, you may find more than you thought.
Miss Gisele from myBeautyMatch.com Says:
February 28th, 2008, 0:21 am
Leo,
Well said!
When it comes to going with the flow … I know that I would NEVER be able to do that without meditation.
Meditation has changed so many things in my life … I truly and honestly do not know how I could keep moving forward without it and I also have no idea why it took me so long to discover the wonders of meditation.
I also like your point #1: remembering that we CANNOT control everything!
Gisele
Jonathan Mead Says:
February 28th, 2008, 0:38 am
I really liked this post, especially the idea of not being able to control everything. However, I didn’t like the way you portrayed Lao Tze’s words. It seems dumbed down and translated into more “friendly” english. I think the words are more penetrating and impacting when left in their original tense.
Ben Says:
February 28th, 2008, 1:14 am
This a very insightful post. To point number 8 - I would like to humbly add the idea of using journal entries to record not only the upsets of the day but to also record the victories of the day. I know from my own personal experiences that recording and reflecting on the good and meaningful events of the day helps me have a positive mindest and be better able to cope with the challenges of life that are out of my control. My approach to life, after a good two decades of searching after seeing off my teenage years is to view life as a series of learning experiences - which has been more truthful to me since becoming a father just over five years - not as a series of problems.
Kelly Rigby Says:
February 28th, 2008, 1:25 am
Nice.
I don’t think everyone sees “going with the flow” as the same thing, but personally I believe it is nearly impossible to be happy in life if you do not move with its natural rhythms. So, I would say this is one of your more important articles. If everyone could just let go and let life be a bit more, the world would be full of many many more smiling, contented people.
For me, the challenge isn’t in keeping my cool when the curve ball comes, it’s in not needing to know how everything is going to happen. Releasing control of tomorrow so I can enjoy today. Staying present. I find that is the challenge in “goign with the flow”.
Enjoy the day everyone.
Kelly
Conn Says:
February 28th, 2008, 1:29 am
There are situations when it is good to go with the flow, but there are contexts when is better to go against the flow. The key is to know when to go with one or another.
Conn.
Elisha Says:
February 28th, 2008, 1:32 am
Nice one and this post comes at the right time. I got frustrated about my past relationships, thinking that why I can’t control the situation. Sometimes I’m also tends to run away from reality.
Just follow the flow whether it’s rough or calm.
Chris Austria Says:
February 28th, 2008, 1:43 am
When you fly of the handle (if you ever do) does your wife refer you back to your posts?
Eugene (Editor, Varsity Blah) Says:
February 28th, 2008, 1:58 am
It’s taken me a while but I’m finally starting to “embrace the ambiguity” of life. Sometimes you just can’t help but laugh at how crazy it can be.
I’m so glad you touched on detachment because it’s such an important issue. Gary Zukav and Linda Francis talk about it in Heart of the Soul: “Detachment allows you to remain aware of what you feel while the events of your life unfold. When you are not detached from your emotions, you cannot separate yourself from them and they possess you.”
(Great post, Leo!)
eva Says:
February 28th, 2008, 2:48 am
@chris austria: leo usually doesn’t fly off the handle. i think this go with the flow post was meant for me. hahaha. he and his mom are the only people i know who probably actually practice what he writes here.
Leo Says:
February 28th, 2008, 2:51 am
@chris austria … the comment just above from eva is from my wife, FYI. She’s being nice … I can’t claim to be perfect at going with the flow, as I try to control things too much. However, I’m learning!
@Dave: I’ve never read Tolle but I’m sure I’ve heard of the Power of Now. It’s going on my reading list! :) Thanks so much, as it sounds right up my alley.
Thanks for the comments, everyone! You’ve really added a lot to this discussion.
Ani Says:
February 28th, 2008, 3:57 am
@Avrum Nadigel
Why not become your own therapist? Everybody should and can get to know their own mind better.
Ani Says:
February 28th, 2008, 4:09 am
@Conn
Well said! I checked your blog because that simple sentence. :)
Kacper Wrzesniewski Says:
February 28th, 2008, 5:29 am
I have the biggest difficulties with the first tip.
I used to think that everything what happens around me is somehow in my responsibility. I’m not sure if it is good or bad approach.
I would like to follow your tip, Leo. I would like to say ‘I couldn’t predict it’ or ‘I can’t control everything’. But in the end, 90% times I find that there was something I could have done to avoid what happened. Fortunately, I’m not obsessed with this way of thinking (at least I hope so), but I preffer to look for signs that were telling me about what gonna happened instead of saying ‘I couldn’t avoid it’.
What is your opinion on my approach?
James Says:
February 28th, 2008, 6:00 am
Very good. The analogy I’ve always used is “to ride the waves (of life) rather than fighting against the current.” I increasingly find myself not doing any in depth planning because it’s so stifling. Going with the flow feels so much more like “the natural way.” I’ve written more on this issue here
Chris Auman Says:
February 28th, 2008, 7:41 am
This post resonates with me because my life is so hectic. I am a business owner, a father of three, I just got a new puppy, it’s winter time, I have a cold, my wife and kids are sick, I frequently wonder how much more I can take. Last week though I did some of the things that are mentioned in this post (first, become aware that you’re stressed and thinking bad thoughts, breathe, step back and look down at yourself and know that things could be much worse, laugh)
We all need to revisit this post and remind ourselves how blessed we are when we think life sucks.
Dan Says:
February 28th, 2008, 8:03 am
Great post.
Accepting that you can’t control everything is one of the key concepts of Al-Anon and AA. I’m a big Al-Anon-er and found that once I stopped trying to control people, places and things that my life changed for the better.
Now I’m free and the only thing I try to change is my own perception of things. It’s wonderful!
mi789R4 Says:
February 28th, 2008, 8:10 am
Hi Leo,
How can you go with the flow when your gut instincts (intuition) tell you otherwise?
Currently work in an office job, but my instinct keeps telling me to quit the job so basically how does one roll with the punches when your instinct tells you otherwise. It’s more like an un-settling feeling which is just urging me to go and leave (quit).
I have practised some of thes technquies for quite a while but the feeling just comes back stronger?
Thanks for your help, Leo
Marelisa Says:
February 28th, 2008, 8:28 am
The anger or frustration that we feel toward certain situations is caused by our resistance to that situation: “How did this happen?” “How could he have done that?” “Why is this happening to me?”. I read somewhere that if we struggle against a situation as it is, we’re basically struggling against the entire universe. When I see myself lashing out at some situation in my life I’m not happy with, I think to myself: “Stop struggling with the universe, it’s just a waste of time.” Accept things as they are and try to put yourself in the best position to meet the next moment.
Korey Says:
February 28th, 2008, 9:10 am
Hi Leo,
This is vital to finding joy and peace of mind in life. What you’ve written that resonates the most with me is the awareness of your own control in life. In the end you can only control yourself. If you go around trying to be boss of the world, trying to get everyone and everything to tow the line, you’ll be in for some frustration.
Keep up the good work.
Flint Says:
February 28th, 2008, 9:24 am
Fantastic post, and the last two tips in particular are interesting. Sometimes when we’re actively trying to simplify our lives we forget that the world itself is not always simple, and rather that get uncomfortable with that we should embrace it :)
Rachel Says:
February 28th, 2008, 10:12 am
My motto in life which helps me “go with the flow” is:
In six months things will be different. If they are horrible now, in six months, they probably won’t be so bad. However, if they are wonderful now, in six months they probably won’t be so great. So, enjoy the now because life changes.
Sean Says:
February 28th, 2008, 10:17 am
Fantastic post. It made me sit back and think about the relationship I have with my boss(es).
I also have a feeling there is a good story behind the kids and the broken microwave :)
Double Danger Says:
February 28th, 2008, 10:45 am
#1 & #10 are the hardest to come to terms with sometimes. Of call the things we CAN control - its hard to sit and think… things are still going to happen that are out of my control, so sometimes you just have to go with the flow.
Chris Austria Says:
February 28th, 2008, 11:09 am
Leo and Eva,
Thanks for your response. I teach my own children and my students to go with the flow, to approach life with positivity and so on and so forth…This is the easy part. The hard part is being able to teach yourself to change. Thank God for my wife who is my rock, and my peace.
Ben Overmyer Says:
February 28th, 2008, 11:14 am
Absolutely true. A couple good quotes to think about:
* Just do your best, and let the rest take care of itself.
* Don’t sweat the small stuff (and it’s all small stuff).
Avrum Nadigel Says:
February 28th, 2008, 12:13 pm
@Ani
“Why not become your own therapist?”
Because much of what we do (particularly the repetitious hurtful things) are unconscious. And often it’s only within the context of an objective other (not a friend, colleague, spouse, and/or friend…they’re too emotionally invested in your life to be helpful in this area) that your “true self” bubbles up to the surface. Disclaimer…I’m trained as an individual and family therapist and married to a psychiatry resident. So I’m biased on these issues ;)
“Everybody should and can get to know their own mind better.”
Oh, we agree. But too often, particularly in the coaching and self-help world, the solutions are simplistic/shallow and perpetuate problems.
Ani Says:
February 28th, 2008, 12:54 pm
@Avrum Nadigel
Therapy might be useful for the person or not, dependent on the severity of the case, the person and the therapist.
Some go to therapist to get support for their wrong views, they go from therapist to therapist until they find the one that can satisfy their ego.
Not to undermine the fact that many people can be helped if the therapeutic relationship is a healthy one. :)
But not everything in the self-help world are simplistic and shallow (I think Leo has many articles that is very helpful here). Not everything in medical/therapeutic world are profound and helpful.
The usefulness of medicines and therapies for mental illnesses are not as clear-cut and scientifically proven to be helpful as we want to believe.
But everybody can improve their lives by conscious living.
Mike OD - IF Life Says:
February 28th, 2008, 13:07 pm
Leo - I don’t know if you have read him but Anthony DeMello is another excellent author (prob #1 in my book….and if Wayne Dyer calls him the most influencial writer he has read, he has to be pretty darn good). His books “Awareness” and “Way to Love” are right on target with everything talked about here, or as he calls it “waking up”. Easy to read books….yet so much harder to put into practice, but worth the effort.
Avrum Nadigel Says:
February 28th, 2008, 13:11 pm
@Ani
“Therapy might be useful for the person or not, dependent on the severity of the case”
We might agree. Suffice to say, the less severe i.e. walking wounded vs. bipolar, are able to handle the introspection that therapy requires. The irony of course is that therapy is not as helpful for folks with serious mental health issues.
“therapist to therapist until they find the one that can satisfy their ego.”
Most trained therapists can pick up on this pretty early (and use the process as a tool for self-reflection). Narcissistic tendencies are part and parcel of the process.
“But not everything in the self-help world are simplistic and shallow”
Dear Lord, no. Barbara Sher is one of my faves. And there’s many blogs, including Leo’s, that are the exception to the rule. Actually, too many of my colleagues “poo poo” self-help. I think much can be gleaned from both camps.
“I think Leo has many articles that is very helpful here”
Very true.
“Not everything in medical/therapeutic world are profound and helpful.”
100%
“The usefulness of medicines and therapies for mental illnesses are not as clear-cut and scientifically proven to be helpful as we want to believe.”
Don’t get me started. You’re observation is very correct.
Again, my overall point is that “dong therapy on your self” is an exercise in futility. To “know thyself” is best done with an objective other (marital conflict is one such tool…read anything by Dr. David Schnarch).
ERichNWise Says:
February 28th, 2008, 14:21 pm
found your link in Qassia. know the value of “Go With The Flow” from Esther Hicks channeling with Abraham. thank you for this Zen blog and I’m happy and grateful to be in your network. cheers!
Jessica Says:
February 28th, 2008, 14:21 pm
I’m new to this blog, and now look forward to checking out each new post.
After a “medical malfunction” a little over a year ago (and after cursing the world for it), I came to follow the “it is what it is” mentality. That change in perspective has made a huge difference in my life.
While it’s hard to always follow them (can’t help but get so mad sometimes!), your tips are dead on and greatly appreciated!
bvs Says:
February 28th, 2008, 14:32 pm
All good points!
Re #1 and #10, I like the way Covey puts it in his “7 habits of highly effective people” book. He defines a circle of “concern” — things you are concerned about. And he defines a circle of “influence” — things you can directly or indirectly influence. For most of us the influence circle is much smaller and within the circle of concern.
Worrying about and spending time on things we care about but can’t really influence can be very ineffective and it is a recipe for unhappiness. But by recognizing what falls in which circle, and working within your circle of influence you can make positive changes and be happier and even grow your circle of influence!
Travis Says:
February 28th, 2008, 14:35 pm
Solid post Leo! Great advice, well put together. If I were to add anything, from my own experience of learning to just take the glorious and mundane ride through life would be: Find out what you actually are.
As always, love the site, and get much from it!
Jim Says:
February 28th, 2008, 15:09 pm
@mi789R4
Wouldn’t you consider your gut instincts as part of the flow you are trying to go with? If we are all part of the universe, then you ARE the flow, or at least part of it, and that is very encouraging to know! I would think that a returning, overpowering or nagging feeling (this gut instinct) is a clear indication of what should be in order to benefit a person on a whole. The tricky part seems to be going forth and actually acting on the gut instinct without using rash decision making (ex.-quit job before securing new one).
G Says:
February 28th, 2008, 15:18 pm
A strange example. A coworker recently pointed out that I get more aggravated after doing yoga at lunch. This seemed completely ridiculous to me so I did a bit of thinkg and asked a few others for feedback.
It turns out he was right - or at least partially right. Its not that the yoga aggravated me. But if something stressed me out after yoga, whatever was stressing me out actually aggravated me more because it was ‘undoing the yoga’.
By getting mad at work for ‘undoing the yoga’ I was actually undoing it myself. What a great observation.
Margi Says:
February 28th, 2008, 15:20 pm
Like Jessica, I came to adopt an “it is what it is” mentality after a traumatic situation. Just this peace has helped so much.
Like someone else (I’m sorry, I don’t remember who) said, sometimes reflecting on what we could have done better is good. They key is finding that line between reflection and obsession. And, on realizing that once that “bridge is crossed,” you can’t go back and uncross it. Yes, most situations could be handled differently and there is value for future situations, but beating oneself up about what could’ve been is a surefire recipe for disaster.
This is coming from someone who beat herself up (mentally and emotionally) several times daily for an entire year until I realized it was futile.
As always, I learn as much from Leo’s readers as I do from Leo! I appreciate Zen Habits more every day. Thank you!
oakling Says:
February 28th, 2008, 15:56 pm
I enjoy the opposite concept - “pushing the river.” I don’t mean I enjoy pushing the river per se - I enjoy noticing when I am trying to force my way against the flow, and using that to learn more about going with it.
robert Says:
February 28th, 2008, 16:11 pm
I just smoke weed; that lets me go with the flow without question.
Vickie Says:
February 28th, 2008, 16:25 pm
I am sending a link of this article to my son who is in Nepal studying and going for a trekk up to Everest base camp. He is very homesick, and I think this article will help him to enjoy his visit more and hopefully be less homesick.
Rager Says:
February 28th, 2008, 16:32 pm
Are you fucking kidding me? It’s this kind of pussy bullshit that breeds mediocrity in the world. How about “Rager’s 3 step plan”:
1. Change the title of this post to “12 Practical Steps for Taking It Up the Ass.”
2. Move to France.
3. Kill yourself.
Chilly Says:
February 28th, 2008, 16:39 pm
Rager’s just mad that his mom was into “going with the flow”…which is how she ended up turning tricks for coke.
Kelly Says:
February 28th, 2008, 16:45 pm
Thanks. This article was very interesting. Makes life a lot easier if you just let things flow rather than get worked up. When we dwell and get worked up we attract more negativity to ourselves.
Well all need to take the time to relax and step back at certain times.
David Says:
February 28th, 2008, 16:46 pm
@G
I totally understand what you are saying. I don’t do yoga, but I do try to use calming techniques whenever I get stressed or anxious. After I have done this and gained my composure, if something comes along and disrupts the calmness, then I get upset at losing my calmness, not upset at what caused it. That sure is weird how that works huh.
Jenna Says:
February 28th, 2008, 16:46 pm
i thought this was very insightful, helped me with new ways of understanding and coping
Dave Says:
February 28th, 2008, 16:50 pm
I rarely comment on blogs or even visit them regularly, but I just have to say that yours continues to impress. excellent advice here and in so many other articles you have written, all the best sir.
Chris Austria Says:
February 28th, 2008, 17:11 pm
I wonder how many hits Rager received from his comment?
Sometimes you just gotta swear because there are no other words to describe what you are feeling. However, this is not one of those times.
Pascale Says:
February 28th, 2008, 17:15 pm
Funny how things happen at the perfect time sometimes.
I am now very frustrated, I would like my boyfriend would act and live differently, I would like to get back to lifeplan and dreams.
I’m in a phase I really ask myself if I need to let go and accept that my life will not be at all what I wanted, that I should accept him or if I need to let go that story and stay true to my real needs and beliefs (like self-improvement, frugality, more healthy and adventurous living.)
It’s hard to see clearly with what flow you need to go… but I think I will meditate these next few days. :)
Thanks for your blog, it helps so much day after day.
Leo Says:
February 28th, 2008, 17:39 pm
mi789R4 asked:
“How can you go with the flow when your gut instincts (intuition) tell you otherwise?
Currently work in an office job, but my instinct keeps telling me to quit the job so basically how does one roll with the punches when your instinct tells you otherwise. It’s more like an un-settling feeling which is just urging me to go and leave (quit).”
This is an excellent question, and I’m glad you’ve allowed me to clarify this point.
First: If you are really unhappy at this job, I’d say you should be looking for something better. Pursue your passion! When I recommend going with the flow, I’m not saying you should accept things that make you unhappy — pursue happiness at all times!
Second: going with the flow, in my view, means simply not letting little things upset you. If someone is really bad to you (abuses you, for example), you should get away from them. If they are just a little rude to you, maybe just let that roll off you. If your job is horrible, get out of it. If you experience a stressful situation that you can’t control at work, just roll with the punches.
I know that’s not complete answer, as it doesn’t make a clear distinction between the two, but I think we can each make the distinction for ourselves.
www.mobile2fun.com/ Says:
February 28th, 2008, 17:42 pm
Oh please helped me with new ways of understanding and coping
George Says:
February 28th, 2008, 17:43 pm
Thank you for posting this. Im at a point in my life where I thought i found true love after being single for about 10 years (only dating) and my heart was severly broken. I needed to read this.
Jonathan Says:
February 28th, 2008, 17:47 pm
I think Rager could have said it differently, but has a point.
Sometimes go with the flow is a cop out for lacking the fortitude to do what you think might be right, if unpopular.
Chris Says:
February 28th, 2008, 18:02 pm
I think “going with the flow” can be a little vague, as mi789R4 pointed out. I’ve used the “river” analogy before, and I like to think of it as, yes, you have to go with the flow, but you also need to be able to steer from time to time. You’ve got to make some “course corrections” in life when you end up flowing into a bad part of the life “river”. Now those “course corrections” don’t mean that you’re guaranteed to get out of the bad areas, but your chances are better than just riding along with the current. You can’t control exactly where in the “river” of life you’re positioned, but you’ve still got to be aware of when you need to “steer”. ok, I thinkI used enough quotation marks, I’ll stop :-P
Avrum Nadigel Says:
February 28th, 2008, 18:03 pm
@ Jonathan
“Sometimes go with the flow is a cop out for lacking the fortitude to do what you think might be right, if unpopular.”
Agreed. But wouldn’t the process be more efficacious by strengthening mindfulness and humble enough to realize that:
“there will always be things that we cannot control”.
Leo’s suggestions promote right action vs mindless, willy-nilly commitments. I can’t help but think this is good for individuals, families and society in general.
Mike OD - IF Life Says:
February 28th, 2008, 18:04 pm
Rager is just an example of how to practice present moment awareness and just not let stuff like that affect you in a negative way. True self awareness and happiness in one’s life is completely different from being indifferent and getting taking advantage of. Like a buddhist monk…happy on the inside…but could kick your butt if you thought about pushing him around or trying to hurt someone else around him.
Niles Gibbs Says:
February 28th, 2008, 18:09 pm
@ Rager, Jonathan
Going with the flow doesn’t mean just letting things happen, it means being able to handle anything that comes your way.
This isn’t about following the herd, or avoiding taking moral stands, it’s about optimizing the energy you have, and not wasting it chasing extremes.
When swimming in the ocean you have three choices, not fight at all (and drown), fight the current (possibly survive, but waste a lot of energy in the process), or understand how the current is working and use that knowledge to help you get where you need to go (better chance of surviving).
You’re confusing not fighting at all with using the current to your advantage.
Dave Hune Says:
February 28th, 2008, 18:46 pm
Half of the posts you write, it feels like you’ve read my mind! Another great read - thanks yet again for a blog perfect for evening and morning alike.
I think one of the most important things is “realize that you can’t control others”. For example, I hear a lot of things at work which a few years ago would make me angry or annoyed, but now I zone out of the conversations instead when I know people are simply making fools of themselves or displaying less knowledge of the world…
huh Says:
February 28th, 2008, 19:01 pm
Seems like your vaguely explaining Taoism in your own words and then putting quotes around them with Lao-Tzu at the end.
mao tze tsung Says:
February 28th, 2008, 19:11 pm
in life theres true and untrue…openess will lack direction that people need more than what people feel like doing.
this is not the truth and is twisted by mans sinfulness and incapability.
are you gay?
im just being honest sorry
Josh Says:
February 28th, 2008, 19:45 pm
Hey, thanks for the great post. The most important things you said would definitely have to be stepping back and looking at the situation from a different perspective. This is one thing people dont do and its how full blown arguments happen
the other one would have to be laughing at the things that makes you angry, it applies to peoples actions towards you as well. If we are being insulted bullied or annoyed somehow, we can just laugh it off and move on, the bully instantly see’s what they are doing doesnt work on you and they do not try it again.
Thanks mate this helped clear up some of the things i was thinking about.
Matt Rogers Says:
February 28th, 2008, 20:29 pm
At the risk of being combative there are also times when you have to not go with the flow if you want to be a good person.
For example to just go with the flow of U.S. war crimes is sick and wrong IMO. Yes getting frustrated over nothing is a bad idea like a break in a morning routine is a bad idea. OTH speaking out for positive change even if it means criticizing the current society is a good thing IMO.
Perfect Life Project Says:
February 28th, 2008, 20:35 pm
Great advice Leo. I used to be pretty stressed because I thought I could do/control everything. A manager of mine with a fairly unorthodox approach to life showed me how to let things go and not react too quickly to events. His theory was that most things sort themselves out anyway. What is important to someone today might not be important to them tomorrow. Giving a situation space and time allows things to settle down without you needing to get involved.
Once I adopted this approach, selective ignorance, my worries decreased significantly. Most things sorted themselves out and if they don’t, then I can consider reacting.
Its a big thing for an A-type ego to realise that you can’t control everything, but its also a relief.
Ken Says:
February 28th, 2008, 21:44 pm
Wise words of wisdom always offer a different perspective on each situation. Good Post!
Geoff W. Says:
February 28th, 2008, 22:07 pm
The flaw with this is simple.
Going with the flow means you don’t REACT. If you don’t react, you can’t change your station in life.
Going with the flow is situational at best.
You don’t get promoted at work by going with the flow.
You don’t get successful with business by going with the flow.
Those who go with the flow are followers. You can’t lead unless you define the flow.
Success is the definition of breaking the flow.
Are you a follower or a leader?
eclecticaliah Says:
February 28th, 2008, 23:17 pm
Excellent post, and a great reminder.
It seems that some commenters are still getting confused about what Leo means by going with the flow. He’s not talking about being a doormat when confronted with injustice, which is what some of you are referring to. I believe he cleared this up with his comment that going with the flow “means simply not letting little things upset you.”
An example of this is that sometimes I get really mad when the traffic light turns red at the last second. I’ve found that the best way to deal with these kinds of inconveniences is to examine why I’m upset, and when I think I have my answer, ask “why” again. If I keep breaking it down long enough, I eventually find the “root cause” of my upset feelings.
In the case of the red light example, I might find that the reason for my anger is that when the light turns red, it takes me longer to get home. When I ask myself why that makes me mad, I realize that it’s a stupid thing to get mad about and I’m able to let go of it. Who cares if it takes me one minute longer? Alternatively, I might find that the root cause for my feelings is that when the light turns red at the last second, I have to slam on my brakes to avoid hitting the car in front of me. In this case, I find that I have the power to fix this problem by driving slower and by not tailgating.
Examining the root cause of our feelings is an important step in going with the flow when faced with inconveniences. If it’s something that is really aggravating, I find that talking through it out loud or writing it down can add honesty and clarity to my search for the root cause.
Geoff W. Says:
February 29th, 2008, 0:57 am
Good point, eclecticaliah.
I guess I didn’t read into it as deeply as I should have.
No intention on my part to imply this is anything but a good post. My own point still stands as reasonable, at least.
I’ve always “gone with the flow” when it comes to general life (though sometimes, you just can’t help it!).
Work and success are different monsters though. I always try to obliterate the flow.
Amit Says:
March 1st, 2008, 1:40 am
Lovely… I have always done what you mentioned in the article about going with the flow. But then if you wish to follow your dream, sometimes you have to try and swim against the flow.
Its painful yes, but its worth the pain.
Amit
Besplatne Stvari, Muzika, Igre Says:
March 1st, 2008, 8:42 am
Why not become your own therapist? Everybody should and can get to know their own mind better.
Ethan Armstrong Says:
March 1st, 2008, 13:54 pm
the 13th step could be found right here - http://www.forhardtimes.com
Ellie Walsh - LivingTheLawOfAttraction.com Says:
March 1st, 2008, 18:31 pm
Going with the flow…. I see it as sitting back in the kayak as you effortlessly float downstream in a beautiful tropical setting…. The water is crystal blue with rainbows dancing on top — Palm trees are swaying in the breezes — Tropical birds soar above and serenade you with their songs… Ahhhhh
OK so sometimes — or many times — my kayak gets caught up in a frenzied whirlpool and crashes into some huge boulder that popped up out of nowhere!! ;)
And then going with the flow means — Laugh - Laugh - Laugh — if you keep laughing somehow it actually will turn into something funny!! :D
Jessiejojames Says:
March 2nd, 2008, 0:21 am
I just came upon your blog this evening. Love it and will be back from time to time.
I like “wherever you go there you are” byJon Kabat-Zinn
GiGi Says:
March 2nd, 2008, 1:03 am
Wonderful tips of things that I should know, but always seem to forget whenever my life gets hectic. (just when I need the knowledge most, of course!!). On Tip #10, “We Can’t Control Others”… I think it is helpful to remember that “others cannot control US” either.
Matt Harwood Says:
March 2nd, 2008, 12:19 pm
Fantastic post - thanks so much. I learnt a long time ago that stress solves nothing. My life changed the instant I read the quote:
“There is absolutely no evidence to support the suggestion that life is serious.”
The only thing worth seriously worrying over is when you’ve died, at which point you can’t even worry about that.
Steph Says:
March 2nd, 2008, 13:18 pm
Wow, Leo, I can’t believe the synchronicity of this post for me.
The day before you published this article I had a major bathroom accident, you can read about it on my health blog (http://www.livelighter.org/hot-steamy-baths-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/)
Without going into too much detail, I was in control my life one minute and then the next, the Universe took over. Maybe if I had just went with the flow to begin with, I wouldn’t have needed the accident!
I’ll definitely pay more attention to the flow of life from now on and resist the temptation to hasten the journey.
Thanks for the great post, Leo. Keep up the fabulous work!
Vince Chiaro Says:
March 3rd, 2008, 1:16 am
This is really good advice. Just the other day (Friday) I had to drop my car off at the shop. No big deal because I could take the train to work. I get to the train station and there’s been a derailment so the trains are running 20 minutes late.
Then that evening I’m heading home on the train but thanks to a late bus I miss my train by 10 minutes and have to wait an hour for the next train.
I felt myself getting upset, frustrated, and angry. But then I took a deep breath and decided to make the best of it. So I was stuck out in the cold for an hour at the train station? Why not take the opportunity to explore the nearby downtown and grab a nice warm coffee? I ended up having a really nice time during that hour rather than being frustrated and angry.
bassem Says:
March 3rd, 2008, 16:19 pm
well,
we humans hold the key of happiness for this whole universe and that, of miserableness, ..at the same time.
it’s a matter of how and when we should use that key, properly.
only one key existing, it can be used to open the door of universe happiness and, on the contrary, door of the universe miserableness.
Only us got the ability to use the key, only humans can, …thank god. he didn’t give this key for any other beings except human beings. cause we got that treasured glorious organ called ” THE MIND”, in our heads.
when we use that organ on the basis that copes the unstable universe situations, to be that flexible dealing with those changes around us, that we face everyday and every single day, as Leo mentioned above ….. then, that’s how we open the door of happiness for the whole universe and for the whole human beings.
that’s why the merciful god gave that honor, holding that key, to us … humans.
god said, ordering this life we live, ” … you got serve those who serve and worship us, and you will use and give life suffering for those who serve and worship you, other than me the holly GOD .. ”
(learning every day till the day i die)
thanks
Arp Laszlo Says:
March 3rd, 2008, 16:50 pm
This is good stuff - really good stuff. I read some Thich Nhat Hanh a few months back to get better perspective on things.
It is, as Ben Overmyer put it, not sweating the small stuff. That’s certainly not the same as doing nothing regardless of circumstance. It’s just knowing when to let go and when to take action. I find that letting go a bit more than usual makes a worthwhile difference in my days.
Tender Says:
March 5th, 2008, 18:32 pm
Really good advices. Hard to follow sometimes, but if you do they work great!