Photo courtesy of Zanastardust

A User’s Guide to Fabulous Friendships

A good friend is a connection to life - a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world. - Lois Wys

Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Kelly Rigby of SHE-POWER.COM.

In our teens and twenties, our friendships are everything. They define who we are, what we do and even what we buy. At the time, we assume it will always be this way. Then life races forward. Careers take off. People get married, have children. Others move away. We struggle to manage our time and responsibilities, and slowly our friends get pushed down the priority list.

This is not necessarily what we want. Few people would dispute the benefits of friendship. The problem seems to be how to fit our friends into an already overcrowded life. Friendship is like a marriage. It cannot be created once. It must be created over and over again. People and priorities change. What worked yesterday may not work today. We must nurture our friendships so they may flourish with us through our changing lives, and that’s where this guide comes in.

Choose friends wisely. Focus your energy on people who make you feel good.
We all know the saying, “you can’t choose your family”. So, make sure you’re smart and choose friends who are worthy of your valuable time and attention. It sounds harsh, but you cannot keep every friend you have ever made. No one has the time and energy for that. If you don’t consciously choose which relationships to focus on, you’ll spread yourself too thin and you’ll have less to give to those who deserve it most.

Do not be fooled by glamour and street cred. A person’s behavior is much more important than their words or how they represent themselves. Surround yourself with people who reflect the person you want to be. Choose friends you are proud to know, people you admire, who love and respect you. People who make your day a little sunnier, simply by being in it.

Treat others how you want to be treated.
This is one of the first lessons my mother taught me, and it is probably the most important. You may have heard of the law of attraction, which states that what we project to the world will be sent right back to us. This means you must decide what qualities are important to you, because you cannot receive what you do not give.

Personally, I don’t think you can go past honesty, loyalty and integrity as a foundation for choosing friends. Be considerate. Don’t make plans you won’t keep. Be a safe haven for your friends, someone they can rely on. What qualities rank highly for you? Do you just want some laughs every now and then, or people who will be there for you when life throws you a curve ball?

Make time. Prioritize Relationships.
If you have to really think about the last time you were in contact with a friend, then it was too long ago. Life can run at a crazy pace. We may think of people, then something comes up and we never call them. The month ends, another comes along, and again that call is never made. This is how relationships peter out. It starts to feel easier to walk away than struggle back through the neglect.

Don’t fall into the habit of thinking I’ll “try and find the time”. It’s a cop-out. You cannot find time. You make time. Every day you decide where to put your attention, and those activities will in turn create your day, your week and eventually your life. Be mindful of where you focus your time and energy. Does this match your values and how you want your life to be? There’s no use saying “my family and friends are the most important thing” if you work 80 hours a week and never see them. Be conscious of how you spend your time and choose to prioritize the people in your life.

The easiest way to make time for friends is to organize future gatherings while you are all together. Make time for that first meeting, and then work out the timing of the next one. That way you’ll manage to regularly see each other and there is less stress all round. The reality is most of our relationships need work. Make the time to send an email or give a quick phone call to show your friends they matter. Otherwise how will they know?

Have fun. Share rituals. Laugh Often.
Any long term relationship, friendships included, can fall into a rut. Take the time to have fun, maybe do the activities you loved when you were young. You may not be 21 anymore, but that doesn’t mean you can’t sometimes get a little silly. If life isn’t fun, then what’s the point? Misery shared is still… well, misery. Focus on joy and laughter and your friendships will stay a positive presence in your life.

Hold onto rituals. They connect you with your friends and your youth. Shared memories help define our life and how we see ourselves. Don’t throw them away just because they’re getting harder to manage. The key is to negotiate. Maybe you used to have weekly poker games, but now you have three kids, so what do you do? Have the poker games once a month, and let your partner also have a night out to re-connect with their friends. You’ll both benefit.

“A friend can tell you things you don’t want to tell yourself.” - Frances Ward Weller

Accept people the way they are. Suspend judgment.
Some people are good with phone calls, others are not. Some people always know the right thing to say, others seem to have a knack for getting it all wrong. The key with managing friendships and reducing conflict is to accept people the way they are. We all have different strengths and weaknesses. Fighting your friends’ natural personality is a losing battle. We cannot control other people, and frankly, we have no right to try. The sooner we accept this, the easier all our relationships become.

Another tricky area to navigate is when we disagree with people’s choices. There is a fine line between having an opinion and caring about someone’s wellbeing, and sitting in judgment on their decisions. There is no easy answer here, but if your friend is not hurting anyone, they have a right to tread their own path and make their own mistakes. It would be impossible (and boring) to only have people in your life who you agreed with 100% of the time. Focus on what you love about them. If they weren’t a good person, why would you be friends with them?

“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive.” - Anäis Nin

Respect boundaries.
Don’t criticize your friend’s partner, children, parenting style or family. This is always a no, no. We may all like to rant about our loved ones, but we do not want to hear anyone else do it. This is a golden rule. Stencil it on your forehead if you must.

There will be disagreements. Stay calm. Don’t make mountains out of molehills.
Drama is a part of life, but we don’t have to wallow in it. Things happen, ugly words can be exchanged. This is the nature of human relationships. Before you react to a hurtful situation with a friend, always stop and breathe. Try not to react in anger. Express your feelings honestly, but calmly. I’m not saying that it’s easy, but it is the best way to minimize conflict and angst in life. And bottling up feelings doesn’t help either. They just fester and we stay angry and are unable to move on.

Most of the time, the people we love don’t mean to let us down. So if someone has disappointed you, but overall has been a great friend, then this is the time you forgive and forget. Be empathetic and choose to see this as a temporary slip-up. It’s how people treat you MOST of the time that counts. We all can be selfish and behave badly at times. There’s a good chance you’ve let someone down before and thought you deserved the benefit of the doubt. Don’t act like a martyr because now you’re on the receiving end.

Accept that friendships change and sometimes end.
Although I’ve had the majority of my friendships since I was a teenager, there are times in life when people change enough as to have nothing in common anymore. Sometimes this is temporary, other times it’s not. Either way, the best thing you can do when a relationship falters is to let it go. That doesn’t mean immediately deciding not to see each other anymore. Letting go means choosing to see the friendship as it is now, and releasing the need for it to be something else. Relationships have an energy of their own. They can ebb and flow. Sometimes you’re not quite clicking, other times you are. Petering out friendships can be very stressful, but change is a part of life and relationships which do end can still be treasured for what they brought before. They don’t have to be a mistake. And every time a gap appears, life will usually move in to fill it. Maybe this will be in the form of a new friend, or a even better relationship with yourself. Keep an open mind and an open heart, and wait and see

Treat yourself with kindness and respect, and others will do the same.
This is probably the most important point. You cannot be a friend to others, if you are not a friend to yourself. Have you ever noticed that some people are taken advantage of by everyone. They attract users and frauds like honey. This is not a coincidence. If you want other people to treat you with respect, then you need to be the first person in line to respect yourself. Being a good friend does not mean being a doormat. The kinder you are to yourself the happier you will be. The happier you are, the more you have to give to others. It is one big merry-go-round of happiness. Join the ride.

Now you might be wondering if I follow all these guidelines myself, and the answer is most of the time. Like anyone, I can get caught up in my own dramas, but overall I understand what it takes for friendships to endure. Through twenty years of life’s thrills and tumbles, my girlfriends have provided comfort, inspiration and joy, and I would not be nearly as complete without them. I hope this article has resonated with you and can help enrich your life, as my friends have enriched mine.

Kelly Rigby writes about life, relationships, personal development and inspiration. Check out her blog at SHE-POWER.COM, or subscribe to her feed.

If you liked this article, please share it on del.icio.us, StumbleUpon or on Digg. I’d appreciate it. :)

A User’s Guide to Fabulous Friendships

A good friend is a connection to life - a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world. - Lois Wys

Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Kelly Rigby of SHE-POWER.COM.

“A friend can tell you things you don’t want to tell yourself.” - Frances Ward Weller

“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive.” - Anäis Nin

Kelly Rigby writes about life, relationships, personal development and inspiration. Check out her blog at SHE-POWER.COM, or subscribe to her feed.

If you liked this article, please share it on del.icio.us, StumbleUpon or on Digg. I’d appreciate it. :)

Spewed into the world on 13 March 2008 in Happiness |
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Brilliant comments (78)

Courtney Moore Says:

March 13th, 2008, 20:12 pm

Leo, I subscribe to your blog and always enjoy your posts, but this is really one of your best. What a great subject, and very cogently presented. Thank you.

Clay Collins | The Growing Life Says:

March 13th, 2008, 20:15 pm

Kelly! Awesome job. I’m so happy to see you here. Congratulations on a guest post well done!

Jose A. Rodriguez Says:

March 13th, 2008, 20:16 pm

Here’s my philosophy on friendship, relationships, etc. If you’re lucky, you’re going to get to know lots of people. Those people are in the most basic category: acquaintance. If you’re even more lucky, you’ll have some important people that you rely on. These are in the more advanced category: friend.

I’m not the type of person that calls anybody that I know a friend. I can count my friends on one hand. Used to think that I was a loser because of it. Well, guess what? Acquaintances come and go. It used to upset me when so and so was no longer in the picture. The thing to keep in mind is that anybody and everybody comes into your life for a specific reason and for a certain period of time. After this reason has been carried out and the period has elapsed, they’ve either outlived their purpose or have dropped out. This is reality.

Work hard to develop those relationships. Treat everybody well because you never know who is an acquaintance or a friend. By writing someone off as an acquaintance, you could lose out on an opportunity to have a very good friend.

Be good. Live well. Great people will be in your life.

Mike OD - IF Life Says:

March 13th, 2008, 20:22 pm

“Accept that friendships change and sometimes end.”

That is a great thing to remember, as I had a recent long friendship end because it became more of me having to fit into his rules of what I do….I am who I am….so I had to go my own way. Everyone does….it’s not about controlling others…it’s about appreciating them when they are around and realize that they are their own free spirit.

Corey - Simple Marriage Project Says:

March 13th, 2008, 20:28 pm

Great points. Especially the last one about respecting yourself and others will treat you the same. Too often we seem to be defined by others, especially friends or spouses. That takes away ones own desire and journey.

Align yourself with those of like mind and a synergy is created for all those involved.

Shilpan | successsoul.com Says:

March 13th, 2008, 20:56 pm

Creating “power group” of friends who can lay foundation for journey to success is essential step one needs to consider. A great friend is one who will show the righteous approach by speaking from heart rather than hip. Great post.

Kelly Rigby Says:

March 13th, 2008, 21:19 pm

Very excited to be here on Zen Habits. Thanks so much for having me, Leo.

And so far, the most important people, YOU, THE READERS, like it too. I’m a happy girl.

:) Kelly

Sarah Nguyen Says:

March 13th, 2008, 21:39 pm

Hi Kelly - I absolutely love this post and will be checking out your blog’s posts again in the future! These are some great tips; thanks for sharing.

Carole Fogarty Says:

March 13th, 2008, 21:48 pm

Hi Kelly,

Firstly I just love the name SHE-POWER it makes a statement right there.

Enjoyed this fabulous post and look forward to visiting your blog for more she-wisdom.

Peace, love and chocolate

Carole

GoodPrinciples Says:

March 13th, 2008, 22:27 pm

I generally love the points in this article, but they could stand on much firmer ground. “Respect boundaries” seems a nearly empty cliché. “Suspend judgment” has, as the author notes, “no easy answers”–it seems that the threshold of not causing pain to anyone could be easily imagined as never applicable. (Anything opposed to someone’s moral schema is potentially hurtful. The most self-proclaimed moral people I know can hurt each other the most.) I also never realized people older than 21 weren’t supposed to be so silly.

The writing would be more powerful were it not for the distractingly creative grammar.

I’d love to see the articles here taken up a notch! This one, like others, is going in a beautiful direction.

GoodPrinciples Says:

March 13th, 2008, 22:29 pm

I just realized that my main point is that I’d love to see more logical development behind these ideas (because they are appealing!). They’d sit less like platitudes that way. Thank you.

Sara Says:

March 13th, 2008, 22:44 pm

What an amazing post, and it came at the perfect moment in my life! A great reminder for all friends. Thanks.

Bruce Says:

March 13th, 2008, 22:47 pm

Man, I love your ‘wide open’ design to your site. Can you tell me a little more about it, where you got it, and how it works? Thanks!

banji - LessonInLife.com Says:

March 13th, 2008, 23:01 pm

“Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books” - Unknown quote

Nice articles Kelly, I particularly like your reminder to make the time for friendship. We usually too busy living our life, we sometimes forget that friendship like everything else need to be rekindle from time to time.

I actually have made it a habit to call one long lost friend every Friday, just to catch up on thing. Some may not be as excited as I am, but it is very satisfying to know you have made the effort. :)

banji - LessonInLife.com Says:

March 13th, 2008, 23:03 pm

Note - messed up the link. sorry for the mess Leo

CindySense Says:

March 13th, 2008, 23:31 pm

Great post Kelly!

I agree we need to make time for our friends - as with any other thing that is important in our lives.

I do agree we need to respect boundaries - howver I believe that a TRUE friend will tell you when soemthing is up.

When my daughter was 14 she began to get involved with gangs. I was oblivious to the fact she was dressing in gang colors and using gang verbage.

If it wasn’t for my bestest friend Liz, pointing it out to me, I hate to think where my daughter might be today. Yeah, I was upset for a little while, but Liz opened my eyes which gave me the opportunity to help my daughter.

A true friend is always there for you. A true friend lets you be you and loves you in spite of yourself. And is willing to tell you things you need to know - even if it may be a little uncomfortable.

Edwin | FitnessChapter.com Says:

March 14th, 2008, 0:08 am

Wonderful post by Kelly!

“Respect boundaries.”

Somehow, I agree with what some of the comments say. I wouldn’t mind my true friends criticizing my family if there is really something wrong. I hope that a true friend would not hide things from me.

Would definitely love to see more explanations!

Larissa Says:

March 14th, 2008, 0:30 am

Funny, I just wrote a post about friendships that have been meaningful and enduring in my life. Great insights on how to navigate friendships!

rosalinda Says:

March 14th, 2008, 0:36 am

friendship,
I love friends ,friendships its a joy to the heart to laugh ,drink ,yatter and generally be yourself with those that know you and respect you for who you are .
Keep up the good work kelly its wonderful to see you here on zen habits a site i am enjoying browsing.

SK Says:

March 14th, 2008, 1:34 am

This blog is becoming less useful as the days pass by. So long and thanks for all the fish!

Xtine Says:

March 14th, 2008, 2:38 am

I enjoyed this article very much. I agree that friendship may end and that like any other relationships, it’s a constant work in progress. Thank you for sharing this guide.

Shelvia Says:

March 14th, 2008, 3:06 am

Kelly, thank you for such a GREAT POST!!! :)
Leo, thank you for including this in your blog!! It shows that not only you’re extremely talented in writing things that relate to us - but you’re also great at finding out other people’s piece that fits ur blog so perfectly.
THANKS!!!

Eugene (Editor, Varsity Blah) Says:

March 14th, 2008, 3:16 am

I’m so glad you touched on the law of attraction. Fact is, the people we spend our time with have a powerful effect on us. They change us, whether we’d like to admit it or not. More specifically, they tend to make us more like they already are. Whiney people create more whiney people. Interesting people create more interesting people. That’s why it’s important to spend time with the right people and not the wrong ones.

Now I’m not talking about right and wrong in the way only a comic book could do justice to. I’m talking about what’s right for you. That’s something we all need to figure out. By knowing what qualities you want to develop in yourself, you can figure out whether the people in your life are keeping you on track towards achieving that or are dragging you off course altogether.

Ultimately, it’s like Benjamin Disraeli said: “We are all born for love. It is the principle of existence and its only real end.”

Mat Says:

March 14th, 2008, 4:24 am

Thank you very much for this post - it is very moving for me as I had realized just two days before that it is time to let a friendship go. What wise words!

Marb Says:

March 14th, 2008, 5:20 am

This post made me realise once more how I don’t have any friends *sighs*

Rolf F. Katzenberger Says:

March 14th, 2008, 6:12 am

Kelly, wonderful posting!

Here’s a Scandinavian proverb that illustrates your advice on making time: “Go often to the house of thy friend; for weeds soon choke up the unused path.”

Kelly Rigby Says:

March 14th, 2008, 6:30 am

I’m glad this post has got people thinking and I hope at least some of you feel compelled to pick up the phone or meet up with a friend this weekend.

I also agree with some of the comments that good friends should have wider boundaries and be able to be open and honest about the details of their lives.

In the case of CindySense, I think your friend did absolutely the right thing in telling you about your daughter’s gang affiliations. She would have been a lousy friend if she hadn’t. This could have been a life and death situation, and I’m glad your daughter is in a better place in her life now.

I guess what I am talking about is criticizing the character of your friend’s loved ones and the nature of those relationships. Personally, I have found that while friends may be happy to rant about how lousy their siblings/husband/kids etc are, they don’t want you to join in.

The job of the friend, in my experience, is to make the right understanding noises, commiserate where necessary and sometimes advise on a relationship problem when help is asked for.

And Marb, it’s never too late to make friends!

:) Kelly

Kelly Rigby Says:

March 14th, 2008, 6:32 am

Rolf

I just saw your proverb. I love it! I collect quotes and proverbs so I’m going to write that one down.

Thanks.
Kelly

CelebritySurgery.net Says:

March 14th, 2008, 7:09 am

I think this is the best post i’ve read in months about friendship. Very moving and touching.

We should cherish friendship, no?

Flint Says:

March 14th, 2008, 8:11 am

Kelly this has to be one of the best guest post’s to ever appear on Leo’s blog. Thank you for a wonderful article.
I like your suggestion of scheduling next meetings when we see friends, it’s true that despite our best intentions we allow the next call or visit to slip further and further.

samantha Says:

March 14th, 2008, 8:53 am

Loved the article! I absolutely agree with the respect boundaries. I let a friendship go not that long ago because she couldn’t do that. Sometimes you just need to vent but when the other person jumps in, then it becomes bashing. Obviously if there is abuse, then you need to speak up to your friend but otherwise just listen. I’m going to go check out your site.

thanks!

Tess Says:

March 14th, 2008, 9:51 am

On a practical note, I’ve found over the past two years that pulling together like-minded friends for a reading group is a great way to keep in touch.
There are six of us, we each nominate a book at the beginning of the year, and schedule all our meetings for the year in advance.
That way we can get together in-between times as much as we like, but have the skeleton framework of regular dates when we all meet up, with our shared love of books as a common thread.

michael Says:

March 14th, 2008, 10:10 am

With the bounty of Star Wars quotes earlier this week, I can’t help but think of Luke’s exchange with the Emperor…

Luke: Your overconfidence is your weakness.

Emperor: Your faith in your friends is yours.

I’m not saying not to have faith in friends…or not to have confidence…just have The Wars on the brain this week…

Glynn Says:

March 14th, 2008, 10:12 am

What a fantastic article, and very timely for us all.. Friendships are what makes life worth living. :)

anmari Says:

March 14th, 2008, 10:31 am

Great article! I love this post!!!
It made me realized how busy I’d been with work lately and had forgotten about my friends.

Thanks Kelly for this wonderful post. :)

cory huff Says:

March 14th, 2008, 10:51 am

It’s true. All of it. I’m that guy, the glue among my group of high school/college friends. A lot of times that group only gets together when I’m in town. I take the time to care about them and see how they’re doing. I love it, but it can be sad when a friend moves away and doesn’t bother to stay in contact. It’s hard to accept those changes in friendships, but they happen. It’s worth it, though, to maintain the close friendships that last through the years.

--Deb Says:

March 14th, 2008, 10:55 am

“Have fun. Share rituals. Laugh often.”
You just described my relationship with my best friend. We live on opposite sides of the country these days, but whenever we get together, we fit seamlessly into our long-standing routine as friends. Perfection!

Klaus Says:

March 14th, 2008, 11:40 am

There are friends, and there are really good friends. I think, it important to make tim efor both of them - perhaps on a different frequency schedule.

Old friends from school might get a little bit out of sight, but it’s worth the effort to keep them on your contact radar to not forget to give them a call occasionally or go for a beer…
Once a friendship becames stale, it’s harder to bring it back to life again - so ensure to keep in touch also with your “not so close” friends.
Klaus

Mr Positioning (Stanley Bronstein) Says:

March 14th, 2008, 11:41 am

Choosing friends wisely is so important. We need to have friends who build us up, not tear us down. I remember in the past year when I had to end a long term friendship, just because the person on the other end drained much more energy out of me than she gave back.

Obviously, I agree with your comments that sometimes relationships need to end

Take care

Mr Positioning (Stanley F. Bronstein, Atty, CPA, Author and Professional Speaker)

skyz Says:

March 14th, 2008, 12:08 pm

when i was a very little girl i picked up the book ‘how to win friends and influence people’ that my father was reading and i remember thinking ‘there is something odd about trying to influence people to be your friend’ - a friend is someone you share your best self with - it is either sincere or nothing -

Pril Says:

March 14th, 2008, 12:14 pm

sounds good but the only objection i have is that “treat others how you want to be treated” I find that very selfish not everyone wants to be treated like me… or you! so i think to extend that comment and ask how your friend wants to be treated and work it!
that way your not assuming something that you shouldn’t when you can just as easly ask!

skyz Says:

March 14th, 2008, 12:31 pm

i treat my friends and my pets :) like royalty ! and they are very nice to me - all good things come to me through my friends - friends are good practice for universal love because friends are the ones that are ‘easy to love’ right ?

Sam Page Says:

March 14th, 2008, 15:08 pm

Thanks for the primer. I’ve been going through a challenging time with a good friend of mine lately after confronting him about some things five weeks ago. I found this incredibly valuable.

Karen Says:

March 14th, 2008, 16:11 pm

Thanks, this post came at the perfect time in my life. It’s tough learning to let go…

Marb Says:

March 14th, 2008, 16:48 pm

I find it interesting how a lot of the commenters find it hard to “let go”. I find that it’s much more difficult to make friends and keep them than it is to let go. Oh well. Self pity here I come.

danica Says:

March 14th, 2008, 16:56 pm

I’m a little unnerved by how much of this sounds like we should put our friends before ourselves. There are certain parts of it that, when I’ve tried them, have led to really unhealthy relationships.

Respecting boundaries is crucial. But it is not the same as not criticizing. If my friend smacks her kid around in front of me, I’m going to set a boundary about it, talk to the kid about it, and model healthy boundaries with the kid to the best of my abilities.

I’ve been in a place where I was afraid to come off as criticizing anything my friends were doing because they were the most important things in the world to me - and, more to the point, because I was really codependent, because my parents were emotionally abusive and made it clear when I was growing up that I shouldn’t trust that their love would not randomly turn to rage. Abandonment issues!

And I’m all for accepting people where they are, but you know - sometimes accepting people where they are means accepting that it’s not a good time for me to be in a relationship with them. If they’re not respecting my boundaries, accepting them for being good people nonetheless is not the way to a fabulous friendship. I don’t have to be friends with every good person around me; that’s not great boundaries either. For me, recovering from codependency has led me to learn what boundaries I need to set as well as what boundaries I need to respect to have better friendships than I’ve ever had before.

Kelly Rigby Says:

March 14th, 2008, 16:57 pm

Tess

A reading group is a great way to keep in touch with other book loving friends, and as you say setting a skeleton for the year does help keep everyone in touch.

My girlfriends and I try to go away for a weekend every year, sans husbands and kids. These events only happen through lots of long term planning, but they’re worth it because we get to really reconnect as individuals.without our current responsibilities.

Two days of sharing history, new adventures and talking and drinking ’till all hours. I highly recommend it!

Glad this article has come at the right time for some of you, and while letting go of friendships is hard, the upside is that it isn’t always permanent. Sometimes true friends go their own way and you go yours, but then one day your paths cross again and the connection returns. I’ve had this happen. You never know what the future will bring.

:) Kelly

oakling Says:

March 14th, 2008, 16:58 pm

I’ll agree that we cannot receive what we do not give - like when people say you have to love yourself to be able to accept love from others and love others - but it seems like that means we have to try to cultivate in ourselves the qualities we want in our friends, not just “project” them by wishing for them.

JEMi @ InMyHeels | Tips for Life, Love, You Says:

March 14th, 2008, 17:13 pm

Bravo Kelly! it’s great to see you guest posting on zen habits! :) This is in line with the latest post I’m working on so I’ll be sure to add a link. I love the tip about treating yourself with kindness and respect and others’ll do the same. It’s true- if you hold a particular standard, people strive to meet it.

Kelly Rigby Says:

March 14th, 2008, 17:14 pm

Danica

I’m sorry you’ve had such a hard time with people not being trustworthy and letting you down. Nobody deserves that, and I do understand where you’re coming from because I have my own childhood abandonment issues. I have struggled with personal boundaries most of my adult life; this is the point I have found the most difficult - to not give everything in he hope that I will attract more love for myself.

So, I am absolutely not encouraging you to put your friends before yourself, particularly friends who are abusive. What I am saying is that most of all you have to love yourself enough to surround yourself with people of good character and then nurture those relationships.

People who smack their kids around should be reported to the police in my opinion and would definitely not make my grade of someone to spend time with. And you’re right, sometimes accepting people the way they are does mean not being with them anymore.

It sounds like you’re finding your own way with what works for you, Danica so I hope some healthier, more loving relationships come along soon.

Kelly

TPI News Daily Update Says:

March 14th, 2008, 18:47 pm

Great post. Sometimes not accepting that friendships change or end can be a problem. I’ve seen mnay people depressed because of this. People come and go, but true friends don’t.

Mark - Creative Journey Cafe Says:

March 14th, 2008, 21:03 pm

Kelly - what a lovely article. You have a wonderful writing style, and all the sentiments are spot-on. I’ve had friends inexplicably end what I thought were enjoyable relationships. Sometimes there’s no explaining it. You just have to trust.

I’m blessed to have at least a dozen life-long friends that I’ve known since childhood. I’m very lucky.

One idea that helps me is the concept of “it’s another chapter in the book of your life.” If you think of your life as a kind of soap opera, some characters vanish while other exciting ones arrive. Keeping that sense of wonder - “who will show up next?” - can take the sting out of losing a relationship.

Again, great post!

Colleen Says:

March 14th, 2008, 22:58 pm

Great post, Kelly.
I’m going to check out your blog. Sounds like I could get into your writing.
I actually just posted something about a group of people I got to be with today and your point about being with people who make you feel good rings really true to me. My post was about getting appreciated as a farmer by this group (of potential new friends) but the whole energy of the group was uplifting and calming at once. The right atmosphere for friendship nurturing.
Cheers and keep up the good writing.

Loren Says:

March 14th, 2008, 23:19 pm

Putting more effort into maintaining friendships was actually one of my goals for 2008. Not that I am a slacker-friend, but like Kelly’s awesome article said, life happens and you have less time to dedicate to friendships.

This gives me the motivation to keep up my minimum goal of focusing on emailing, writing, or calling two friends a month!

Thank you!

Making Sales Making Money Says:

March 15th, 2008, 0:17 am

Kelly i have one simple principle I apply to everyone I meet. Simple meet people where they are , not where you expect them to be. You alluded to that. Sadly lots don’t look at it hat way. Our society often teaches the “me first ” thought process. Even the Golden Rule has been altered, good post and you’re welcome to stop by my place anytime

Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker Says:

March 15th, 2008, 0:43 am

I have been blessed with many good friends and a few best friends at every stage of my life. Great article, Kelly. I Stumbled it.

Lily Says:

March 15th, 2008, 7:02 am

I’m afraid I have to agree with SK. I always find posts that are actually long and empty lists. Go deeper!!

Steph Says:

March 15th, 2008, 8:32 am

Kelly, this post is amazing. Thank you so much.

I’ll be 31 in a few short months and you’ve identified many aspects of relationships that I’ve experienced - which have become issues for me because I was taking the blame. They lead me to believe they happened because I was a bad friend!

Now I know that I’m not the only one that experiences these things and that they are actually quite natural. Whew.

Thanks to Leo for introducing Kelly here on Zenhabits!

Elvera Wells Says:

March 15th, 2008, 12:42 pm

Kelly You have a way with words and I loved your article on friendships. I want to read more amd more of the same. Thank You, from a freind. :)

Sander Says:

March 15th, 2008, 14:45 pm

Ouch, this post really hit home…

I recently said goodbye to a friend because I expected her to be something to me that she isn’t. Because of my own issues, I couldn’t give first what I hoped for from her, and I couldn’t handle not getting what I expected. Not being able to deal with it any longer, I shut the door. Not only must she think me emotionally unstable, I may have hurt her.

To stay with Star Wars quotes:

“Young fool… Only now, at the end, do you understand… ”

I wish I hadn’t been so blinded by my feelings… by my emotions. I wonder if I can make things right again. If not only because this was already the second time.

*sigh*

I’ve never been more sorry…

Great article. Thank you.

I’ve saved it/bookmarked it, so I can come back often and read it and remind myself to stay calm before acting. Especially when in love…

Tom Volkar / Delightful Work Says:

March 15th, 2008, 15:50 pm

” Focus your energy on people who make you feel good.”

This is exceptional advice. In fact we need to make all the choices in our life around what makes us feel good. Especailly in our work and in our relationships.

The Daily Mind Says:

March 15th, 2008, 21:18 pm

I really don’t agree that focusing on people who make you feel good is a great idea.

Who wants a bunch of “yes men”? We want friends who engage us, challenge us and bring the best out in us. Sometimes it isn’t just about the good times.

TDM

Suzie Says:

March 16th, 2008, 0:30 am

Hi Kelly,

Thank you for reminding us about the imortance of frienship, I did go and call a girlfiend in Sydney.

Suzie

Patricia Says:

March 16th, 2008, 9:50 am

Thank you so much for this article on friendship. I have a “friendship” of over 55 years which has been dying for the last few years…with much guilt on my part. After reading your blog I realized what I say most often to my daughters and grandchildren that sometimes friendships are for a season. I love my lifelong friend but the road has divided so dramatically that my arms cannot no longer old up and reach….I will always love her but realize the only thing we have is our long history. For today, I accept that…the future may see something different…thank you for your insights and sharing

Maura Says:

March 16th, 2008, 13:30 pm

Kathy writes in her blog: “Surround yourself with people who reflect the person you want to be…” and then moves on to say… “Choose friends… who make your day a little sunnier, simply by being in it.”

@The Daily Mind writes: “We want friends who engage us, challenge us and bring the best out in us. Sometimes it isn’t just about the good times.”

I think both point out that the people we associate with may be “friends” on different levels. No one will be our “everything” and we all can benefit from many different kinds of relationships. (One that Leo has suggested several times is that with our enemies). We have pals that we spend time with to relax, be goofy and share our inner secrets - people that have things in common with us that are often those most like us. And we have relationships with people that we choose to have in our lives not because they make us feel good, but because they have something to teach us, provide a model for something we want to be, and are often very different from us in age, accomplishment, perspective or life experience. There are many other types of friendships as well… in depth, content, duration and value to us.

Whomever you associate with, I think the key is that each person gets and gives something of value from and to the relationship, and that exchange is equitable in measures seen or unseen.

Liara Covert Says:

March 16th, 2008, 21:38 pm

The intrinsic value of friendship is often underestimated. I think its important to recognize some negative people may alienate you, but they may also need you. These sorts of people need compassion more than the positive people who reinforce feeling good inside yourself. To inspire others is to offer the priceless gift of yourself.

Daisy Says:

March 17th, 2008, 7:07 am

Such excellent timing. I really needed to read this right now… Thank you!

josie Says:

March 17th, 2008, 10:17 am

great advise… ” Focus your energy on people who make you feel good.” —- sometimes easier said than done but why focus on people that make you feel bad? or sad? thats no fun

Zeeshan Saeed Says:

March 18th, 2008, 4:13 am

I have written an article on the “Law of Happiness”.

Can you please view this article at :

http://www.lawofhappiness.blogspot.com/

Do you think you can publish this in your site. I believe this will bring happiness to a lot of people.

Regards
Z.S

Jackie Says:

March 18th, 2008, 13:09 pm

Thank you for this. Sometimes I don’t always treat the people that are so good to me with the same respect. After reading this, I’ve realized more than ever the importance of keeping those who matter in your life and not taking them for granted.

Cindy @ LifeLovesMe Says:

March 18th, 2008, 21:07 pm

I think my friends are the greatest people in the world and they’re a very large reason why I love my life so much. A lot of it IS because of the stuff that’s written here.

I choose people that I really value as friends, so I don’t waste time on people that aren’t worth it.

I make time for them whenever I can. Sometimes I will cheat and do two things at once. For example, I’ve dragged my friends with me to salsa and hip hop classes.

Another thing about friendships is that they deserve and like to feel appreciated. Whenever they do something for me, I’ll let them know how much I appreciate it and tell them I love them. (Although, that sketches out my guy friends just a bit…)

Friendships are what makes life incredible. I know I would not love life as much without the friendships I have now. They take time and effort but the return on investment is a thousandfold. One of my biggest fears is that other commitments will cause us to drift apart, but I’m willing to make my best effort to keep the friendship alive.

Thanks so much for this reminder of how important they are and how we can improve them. ^_^

Daniel Says:

March 22nd, 2008, 14:51 pm

Great post you have there. Surely friends are important to us. Let’s continue to grow and strengthen our friendships with one another. :)

Noa Rose Choose the Present Says:

March 23rd, 2008, 16:25 pm

There are so many people on this earth and only a few we can call true friends. Family is our roots, but friends are the branches of our life.

AK Says:

March 24th, 2008, 11:48 am

“The kinder you are to yourself the happier you will be. The happier you are, the more you have to give to others. It is one big merry-go-round of happiness. Join the ride.”

NICE NICE NICE

maggie Says:

March 25th, 2008, 13:08 pm

When I became aware of my ego, then a lot of things started to make sense and I became calmer and better.

I think you will enjoy the New Earth by Eckardt Tolle, you will find the classes on Oprah’s site fascinating. I am giving away a copy of the book of the book.
Htpp://www.mphoinix.blogspot.com
Maggie