Photo courtesy of Dawn Ashley.

The Incredible Power of Contentment

“If you have a garden and a library, you have everything you need.” - Cicero

While many readers have noted my efforts and articles on self-improvement, what I haven’t stressed as much is the beauty of becoming content with what you have and who you already are.

I’m definitely a goal-oriented person — I always have my eye on a goal, whether that’s writing a book, running a marathon, improving my blog, waking early, losing weight, or one of a dozen other goals I’ve had (and usually achieved) in the last couple of years. And once I’ve achieved a goal, I begin looking for another: now that I finished my second marathon, I’m already looking for a third.

So isn’t that a contradiction? Doesn’t that seem to indicate that I’m not content with my life? Not at all. I’m extremely content with my life, with what I have, and with who I am. I have accepted that I am the type of person who will always be striving for a goal, the type of person who enjoys a challenge, and who enjoys the journey. It’s not the goal that matters to me — it’s the journey to get there that is so fun. And I’m content with being that type of person.

So contentment isn’t a matter with being content with your situation in life and never trying to improve it. It’s a matter of being content with what you have — but realizing that as humans, we will always try to improve, no matter how happy we are. If we don’t, we have given up on life.

Today I’d like to discuss contentment, and the amazing things it can do in all aspects of our lives. And then we’ll look at a few tips for getting to contentment.

“Happiness is self-contentedness.” - Aristotle

My Life
I’m going to use my life as an example here, only because I’m more intimately familiar with it than any other life. Looking back, I wasn’t always content. There have been times in my life when I wasn’t happy, when things seemed dismal, when I wish I had more. I wasn’t content with the way things were, and now I know that my outlook on life was a major contributor to my unhappiness.

We choose whether we are happy or unhappy. Read that sentence again if it’s not already something you consciously practice in your daily life. If you’re unhappy with your life right now, I will venture to guess that it’s because you’ve chosen to be unhappy. That sounds harsh, but in my experience it’s completely true. Edit based on reader comments: I cannot speak to whether this concept of happiness applies to everyone — especially clinically depressed or those with similar disorders, people who are starving or homeless, people who have undergone massive tragedies or abuse, or others in such circumstances. However, for most readers, I believe the principles will apply.

You might say, “But my life is crap! Of course I’m going to be unhappy!” And I hear you: I’ve had those times when my job wasn’t going well, when my relationships weren’t going well, when my finances were very bad, when I was overweight, when my life was a mess.

But listen to this: I’ve had those conditions at several points in my life. And sometimes, I was unhappy in those kinds of conditions. And others, I was happy and content. So I’ve come to the conclusion — and it’s proven true time and again — that it’s not the conditions that make me unhappy, but my choice of thoughts, of attitude, of behavior.

What behaviors and thoughts and attitudes were different between my times of unhappiness and happiness? When I was unhappy, I focused on all the bad things in my life. Not only that, but I continually thought about how bad they were, and would complain, and would ask, “Why me?” I would let myself sink into inaction and eventually depression. I would be grumpy and cause those around me to be unhappy. That, in turn, only made the situation worse. It certainly didn’t help my job.

Let’s look at the times of happiness, in contrast: I focused instead on the good things in my life. Because while I had problems at my job and with my relationships and with my finances and health and all that … there were still good things. At least I had a job! At least I had someone who loved me! At least I wasn’t sick! At least I wasn’t bankrupt and homeless! I counted, instead, my blessings. I do this when things aren’t looking so good, and it turns me around.

I had a wife and beautiful children. I had the power to change my job. To simplify my life. To get out of debt. I had my health, even if I was overweight. I lived on a beautiful island with gorgeous beaches and wildlife and greenery. I had family around me who loved me. I had the power of my words, and my books that I loved reading. I had life!

And this outlook on life helped me to be happier. It improved my relationship, because I tried to appreciate my wife. It improved everything around me, in short — and we’ll take a closer look at those things next.

I was happy, despite my conditions, because I chose to be happy. I found contentment in what I already had, instead of wishing I had something else, instead of being discontented with what I had. Contentment not only made me happy, but it transformed my life in many ways. Here’s how.

Happiness
This is perhaps the most obvious area affected on this list, because many people see “contentedness” and “happiness” as one and the same. In many ways, they are, but it’s really a matter of focus. When you’re happy, it’s really a state of being, influenced by a number of factors, including contentedness.

Contentedness, on the other hand, is a matter of being satisfied with what you have. It focuses on what you have and don’t have instead of just being a state of being. It influences happiness. However, you can choose to be content, just as you can choose to be happy, and if you choose to be content, you will be happy.

There are many ways to become happy — you can become happy by doing certain things (running, getting into Flow, sex), you can become happy because you are loved or in love, you can become happy because you just won a competition or a million dollars. Being content is just one way to be happy, but it’s a great way.

Simplicity
Simplicity, of course, means many things to many people, but for me contentedness is at the core of simplicity. It’s about being content with less, with a simpler life, rather than always wanting more, always acquiring more, and never being content.

Simplicity means examining why you want more, and solving that issue at its root. At the root of wanting more is not being content with what you have. Once you’ve learned to be content, you don’t need more. You can stop acquiring, and start enjoying.

Now, I won’t claim to never want stuff. I wanted a Macbook Air and I got it. It’s helping me to write this post and this book right now. (However, in my defense, I waited more than a month before buying it to make sure I needed it.) But while I am not immune to wants, I have learned to catch myself now and then, and to examine why I want something. And then I try to tell myself that I already have everything I could possibly want and need. And that contentedness leads to simplicity.

Finances
Really this is the same as simplicity, but I wanted to show it from a financial angle. The reason we get into financial trouble, oftentimes, is that we buy more than we can afford. And the root of that buying is buying things we want instead of only things we need, and the root of that is not being content with what we already have.

Finding contentment with the stuff you have and with a simpler life can lead to buying less, to buying things we need instead of want, and to only spending what we can afford. I know this first-hand, as uncontrolled spending led to debt for me, and contentedness led to me getting out of debt.

Relationships
Many times it seems that we’re never satisfied with our significant others. They don’t behave how we want them to. That’s often at the root of relationship problems, as many-headed as those problems may seem.

Instead, learn to be content with the person you love, just as they are. This isn’t always easy, as we are usually trained (by our well-intentioned but never-satisfied parents, and others around us) to do just the opposite — to try to change people. However, you will only find trouble if you try to change your significant other. You might get them to change their behavior (but most often not), but they will be unhappy, and in turn the relationship will suffer.

I will admit to having a problem with this at times, but when this happens, I try to remind myself to love my partner as she is, for who she is. She is a beautiful person, just as she is now, and there is absolutely no need to change her. This has always led to a better relationship for me.

Kids
As mentioned above, parents are often not satisfied with their children. They need to be cleaner, better behaved, better in school, more organized and studious, more courteous and kind and compassionate, better groomed and better at sports. Well, that leads to the relationship problems mentioned above, later in the kids’ lives, as they have learned to never be satisfied with others and to try to change them.

It also leads to inferiority complexes in our children, in unhappiness, and in bad relationships with them. Instead, we should learn to love our children unconditionally, to accept them for the people they are, and to let them know this through not only our words but our actions.

Accept children for who they are, and they will be happier, and so will you.

Jobs
Should we be content with our jobs? Well, I won’t say that you should stick with a dead-end job and a boss that treats you like dirt. If you’re unhappy with your job, change it. That’s been my approach and it’s worked for me.

However, I have learned that being a content person in other areas of my life, and being content with my life in general, has generally helped me at any job. Discontented people tend to be complainers, or grumpy, or negative. That leads to problems at the job. People who are content tend not to complain and tend to have a more positive attitude, and in my experience that almost always leads to more opportunities, both within the job (promotions, new projects, etc.) and outside the job (job offers, networking, etc.).

Social change
I’ve heard some writers say that people like me, who preach happiness and contentedness and a positive outlook on life, are teaching people to accept social injustice and not strive for change. I disagree completely, and as someone who would like a freer society than the one in which we currently live, I have given this much thought.

My favorite social disrupter, Gandhi, had two seemingly contradictory quotes on the subject of contentedness. The first: “Man’s happiness really lies in contentment.” And the second: “Healthy discontent is the prelude to progress.”

This might seem confusing until you look at how Gandhi brought about change. He was discontent with the system of oppression in his country, so he sought to change it. However, he was content as a person, with who he was and what he had in his personal life. This inner content allowed him to have the inner power to face (and eventually beat) the very powerful authorities in his country at the time. He could face them because nothing they could do to him could take away his happiness. They could take away all his possessions, throw him in prison, take away even food, and he was content.

He taught his fellow countrymen the same lesson, to make the best of what they had in India (making their own simple clothing, making their own food) instead of wanting the commercial goods from foreign countries. Being content with such simplicity would give them the independence from foreign commercial powers, and eventually (as they are part of the same organism) foreign political powers.

So social change can still happen if you are content with yourself, with your life, but not content with the system of oppression around you. This system, in my opinion, is responsible for holding us down, for the deaths of millions of people in Third World countries … but it isn’t until we learn to be content with what we have, and free ourselves of our dependence on commercial goods, that we will be able to change the system for good.

Getting to Contentment
So if contentedness is so great, how do you get there? That’s not always easy, but here are some things that have worked for me:

Count your blessings. I mentioned this above, and in a previous post, but for me it’s the best way to get to contentment. When you find yourself unhappy with something, or with what you don’t have, take a moment to count all the good things in your life. And I would bet there are many. It puts the focus on what you do have rather than what you don’t.
Stop, and remind yourself. When you find yourself unhappy with someone, or trying to change them, stop yourself. Take a deep breath, and remind yourself that you should try to be happy with that person for who he/she is. Take a moment to think about the good things about that person, the reasons you love that person. Then accept their faults as part of their entire package.
Stop, and consider why you want something. When you feel the urge to buy something, think about whether it’s a need or a want. If it’s a want, take a pause. It’s good to wait 30 days — keep a 30-day list … when you want something, put it on the list with the date, and if you still want it in 30 days, you can buy it). Consider why you want something. Are you not content with what you already have? Why not?
Take time to appreciate your life! I like to reflect on my life, and all the good things in it, on a regular basis. I do this when I run, or when I watch the sunset or sunrise, or when I’m out in nature. Another great method is a morning gratitude session — think of all the things and people you’re thankful for, and thank them silently.
Show people you appreciate them. It’s good to appreciate people, but it’s even better to show them. Give them a hug, smile, spend time with them, thank them out loud, thank them publicly.
Breathe, and smile. Once again, advice from one of my favorite monks, but it works in this context. Sometimes when we take the time to breathe, and smile, it can change our outlook on life.
Learn to enjoy the simple things. Instead of wanting to buy expensive things, and spend money on doing things like eating out or entertainment, learn to enjoy stuff that’s free. Conversations and walks with other people. Spending time outdoors. Watching a DVD or playing board games. Going to the beach. Playing sports. Running. These things don’t cost much, and they are awesome.

“God’s gifts put man’s best dreams to shame.” - Elizabeth Barrett Browning

If you liked this article, please share it on del.icio.us, StumbleUpon or Digg. I’d appreciate it. :)

The Incredible Power of Contentment

“If you have a garden and a library, you have everything you need.” - Cicero

While many readers have noted my efforts and articles on self-improvement, what I haven’t stressed as much is the beauty of becoming content with what you have and who you already are.

Today I’d like to discuss contentment, and the amazing things it can do in all aspects of our lives. And then we’ll look at a few tips for getting to contentment.

“Happiness is self-contentedness.” - Aristotle

Accept children for who they are, and they will be happier, and so will you.

Getting to Contentment
So if contentedness is so great, how do you get there? That’s not always easy, but here are some things that have worked for me:

Count your blessings. I mentioned this above, and in a previous post, but for me it’s the best way to get to contentment. When you find yourself unhappy with something, or with what you don’t have, take a moment to count all the good things in your life. And I would bet there are many. It puts the focus on what you do have rather than what you don’t.
Stop, and remind yourself. When you find yourself unhappy with someone, or trying to change them, stop yourself. Take a deep breath, and remind yourself that you should try to be happy with that person for who he/she is. Take a moment to think about the good things about that person, the reasons you love that person. Then accept their faults as part of their entire package.
Stop, and consider why you want something. When you feel the urge to buy something, think about whether it’s a need or a want. If it’s a want, take a pause. It’s good to wait 30 days — keep a 30-day list … when you want something, put it on the list with the date, and if you still want it in 30 days, you can buy it). Consider why you want something. Are you not content with what you already have? Why not?
Take time to appreciate your life! I like to reflect on my life, and all the good things in it, on a regular basis. I do this when I run, or when I watch the sunset or sunrise, or when I’m out in nature. Another great method is a morning gratitude session — think of all the things and people you’re thankful for, and thank them silently.
Show people you appreciate them. It’s good to appreciate people, but it’s even better to show them. Give them a hug, smile, spend time with them, thank them out loud, thank them publicly.
Breathe, and smile. Once again, advice from one of my favorite monks, but it works in this context. Sometimes when we take the time to breathe, and smile, it can change our outlook on life.
Learn to enjoy the simple things. Instead of wanting to buy expensive things, and spend money on doing things like eating out or entertainment, learn to enjoy stuff that’s free. Conversations and walks with other people. Spending time outdoors. Watching a DVD or playing board games. Going to the beach. Playing sports. Running. These things don’t cost much, and they are awesome.

“God’s gifts put man’s best dreams to shame.” - Elizabeth Barrett Browning

If you liked this article, please share it on del.icio.us, StumbleUpon or Digg. I’d appreciate it. :)

Spewed into the world on 2 April 2008 in Happiness, Simplicity |
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Brilliant comments (177)

Chris Bailey Says:

April 2nd, 2008, 21:43 pm

Thank-you.

Tad Says:

April 2nd, 2008, 21:44 pm

Great article. I never looked at contentment in this way before. Very good insight. I’ve always thought of being content as being stagnant and not wanting to go anywhere, but you have changed the way I see it. Great article.

Tad
http://growingintoyou.com/

Michael Moniz Says:

April 2nd, 2008, 21:52 pm

This is great! It is such a good topic about helping people to be happy with their lives. It is all about living your life the way YOU want.

Great information!

Sara Says:

April 2nd, 2008, 21:52 pm

Excellent, excellent article! I wish my ex would read this. He was always so wrapped up in how bad his life was that he couldn’t turn around and enjoy the good parts.

Part of why he’s my ex. Heh.

I’ve been learning this lesson a lot lately. :D

Stephen Altrogge Says:

April 2nd, 2008, 22:07 pm

Leo,

I appreciate your push for contentment. Very foreign in our western culture.

I’m curious about your thoughts on something though. This article seems to be very applicable to those in the west, who have jobs, and good health, clean water. How does someone that is enduring the trials of the HIV epidemic, or famine, or the loss of their entire family find contentment?

As a Christian, I have to believe that only a real relationship with God can give someone true contentment even when life stinks. I believe that we were created to live for God. Only when we’re doing that will we ever find true contentment.

Thoughts?

pavs Says:

April 2nd, 2008, 22:11 pm

Not Being Content, drives me to try harder.

Great read. thanks!!!!

Clay Collins | The Growing Life Says:

April 2nd, 2008, 22:19 pm

Look at you . . . being all rebel like and ditching the lists :-)

Laurie Says:

April 2nd, 2008, 22:29 pm

I have really benn trying to notice the “wild strawberries” in life, something that Corey from http://www.simplemarriage.net taught me. That has made a world of difference for me. Looking for those small things to appreciate and bring you joy makes living more vibrant and intoxicating!

piyo-chan Says:

April 2nd, 2008, 22:35 pm

AWESOME article! =D
You’re a very inspiring person, Leo! It’d be nice to have a chance to talk to you personally - but I guess for now, know that I’m thankful to have your blog to flick to whenever I need fresh n humble life candies!

Karl Staib - Your Work Happiness Matters Says:

April 2nd, 2008, 22:37 pm

“We choose happiness.” More people need to read that section. When we focus on the good parts of our life, we feel happy. When we focus on the negative, we feel sad. It’s a simple way to start making life more enjoyable.

Trying to be content is difficult, but when we give to others we find that contentment infiltrates our lives. I’m learning to be less selfish and give more of my time and energy to others. It has infused me with love.

Another awesome post!

Jodie Says:

April 2nd, 2008, 23:03 pm

I have enjoyed reading your blog up until this post. I am so absolutely offended to hear that happiness is a choice. It is only a choice when your basic needs are being met. I am a therapist; I work with people every day who have very little choices about anything in life, yet under your theory, they choose to be unhappy. If they made enough money to pay their rent AND buy groceries, or if they didn’t have to worry about being the victim of a serious crime every time they step outside their door, or where their children are at night, maybe it would be a choice.

In my experience the only people who are able to make a choice about being happy or not are the ones who have adequate shelter, food, and people who love them. Is their any room for choices within that? Of course. But to dismiss happiness as a choice is so absolutely offensive it’s unbelievable. I mean, seriously, it’s posts like this that “what white people like” blog sound like it’s the truth, not satire.

Mark - Creative Journey Cafe Says:

April 2nd, 2008, 23:04 pm

Wonderful reminders. Thank you!

Even when life seems chaotic, we can still be happy.

One key is to question the beliefs that cause tension and anxiety…

The only answer to “what is the meaning of life?” that makes sense to me is that it’s the meaning we give it.

Jeff - ScienceSays.net Says:

April 2nd, 2008, 23:24 pm

This reminds me of one of my favorite quotes of all time:

“One thing is needfull: that a human being should attain satisfaction with himself; only then is the human being tolerable to behold. Whoever is dissatisfied with himself is continually prepared to avenge himself for this, and we others will be his victims.”

That helped me a lot growing out of my teenage years, and reminds me to look inwards when I feel anger outwards - oftentimes, I’m upset with myself.

Nice post.

Leo Says:

April 2nd, 2008, 23:32 pm

@Stephen Altrogge and Jodie: You both bring up some very intriguing questions. Do the things I’m writing about apply to people in Third World countries, who are suffering famine or the loss of their families? Does it apply to the homeless or victims of abuse?

I don’t feel qualified to answer that definitively. These people might be exceptions to what I’m writing about, for all I know. I will admit to ignorance.

However, I believe that for a vast majority of my readers, this will apply. Happiness for them is a choice.

I should also point out, in my defense, that many, many people who could not pay their bills (I was once one of them), who have been victims of some type of abuse, and who have suffered through horrible tragedies, have found ways to be happy. I myself have been the victim of abuse, though not as bad as others, and I was able to choose happiness.

I do not know if everyone has a choice. In my life, I’ve always had a choice. I will admit to having much better circumstances than others, though.

And Jodie, I apologize if I’ve offended you — it wasn’t intentional. I would suggest you look at it instead as an interesting discussion point — I’ve made a point, you’ve brought up a counterpoint, I’ve just now made yet another counterpoint, and others can contribute too. I find this kind of perspective useful — instead of being offended, which doesn’t always serve much use, try to see it as a useful discussion that can lead to more insight on both of our parts. :)

I appreciate your contribution!

Leo Says:

April 2nd, 2008, 23:34 pm

@Clay Collins: Ah, but this post is secretly a list! I just didn’t number it. Each section is part of a list, and in the last section, I actually have a bulleted list. I’m sneaky like that! You won’t suppress my list-making!

Vered Says:

April 2nd, 2008, 23:37 pm

Jodie, I think that the underlying assumption here is that this philosophy applies once basic human needs are met.

The whole thing was summed up pretty nicely in Sheryl Crow’s Soak Up The Sun.

“It’s not having what you want, it’s wanting what you’ve got.”

Anita Says:

April 2nd, 2008, 23:41 pm

To Jodie and Stephen,

Another thought to add to this discussion is the consideration that there are really two kinds of suffering — one kind is a very real physical and/or psychological pain which, as Jodie suggests, is not a choice — and the other, which is created by mind alone, which is what I think Leo is talking about in his article. It’s the mind suffering that we have some serious control over. My two cents…

K Stone Says:

April 2nd, 2008, 23:55 pm

@Anita - that seems to be a great distinction for this conversation.

@Leo - thanks as usual for being willing to put yourself out there to teach what you’ve learned. I think it is very useful.

sikantis Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 0:07 am

Great article! From my side I’d like to say that appreciation or esteem as I call it, is one of the most important goals to get contentment. I mean esteem and self-esteem.

FekketCantenel Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 0:16 am

Needs to be prepended or appended: “Disclaimer: This article does not apply to and is borderline insulting to those with clinical depression or similar disorders.”

I’ve spent large portions of my life trying desperately to pretend that I’m not depressed, that all I need is an attitude change, and that there aren’t chemical and psychological problems keeping me from happiness. But over time, I’ve learned that denial is counterproductive.

I’m going to try antidepressants soon to cope with my depression, and if I can ever get into a ‘normal’ state of mind, then yes, your list will prove handy. But in the meantime, don’t assume your list of generalizations will help 100% of people. Not all of us can ‘pick ourselves up by our bootstraps’.

Sorry to be so harsh. I’m just sick of hearing these ‘just think positively’ truisms from people like you and my parents. It’s like telling a paraplegic to try getting up and walking around so his legs get stronger.

Note: I’ll forgive you if you do an article on clinical depression as it relates to productivity and happiness. I could write it as a guest post, but I’d only be able to talk about what it’s like. I haven’t found the fix(es?) yet.

a Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 0:17 am

leo, i’ve been reading you since the beginning, and have taken part in a couple of the monthly challenges on your forums. i really enjoy your thoughts and it kind of reaffirms what i have been coming up with on my own. your whole philosophy and this article in particular resonates very much with matthieu ricard. have you read his book Happiness - A Guide to Developing Life’s Most Important Skill
I think you would really like it!

Leo Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 0:17 am

@Jodie: I was thinking a little more about your points when I was driving just now, and I think I see something I should clarify.

I’m really ignorant here, but I’m assuming that as a therapist, one of your objectives is to help people work beyond their issues that are causing them to be unhappy, to be able to cope, and to eventually find happiness. If that assumption is basically true, then the people you are helping have *already* made a choice to be happy … it just takes them awhile to get there. Going to see you, to find happiness, is their choice for happiness.

So the point I wanted to clarify is that just because we choose to be happy, doesn’t mean it happens overnight. It could take much longer for some to actually get to happiness, only because they have so many obstacles.

A rough parallel would be the choice to be healthy — for most people (obviously not for all people), health is a choice. However, making the choice to become healthy doesn’t mean it happens right away. You have to make choices throughout your day, about what to eat and whether to be active, that will eventually lead to a more healthy life.

Another rough parallel would be this statement (which I think, as a vegan, you’ll appreciate): Animal cruelty is a choice. Now, just because we choose not to be cruel to animals doesn’t mean it’ll happen overnight. Do we get rid of all our leather items? And if so, can we immediately replace all of them with non-leather equivalents? (For many people, this is a gradual process.) Do we become vegan overnight (again, it’s often a more gradual process for more people)? And even if we do, does animal cruelty end? When we say that animal cruelty is a choice, what we really mean is that we make an initial decision to withdraw our participation from the animal cruelty industries … and that we must make that same choice over and over, every day of our lives.

The same goes with happiness (again, assuming that you’re not starving and you have a home) … you make that initial choice — and for some, that might mean seeking therapy — and you continue to make that choice, every day, and you’ll eventually reach happiness (I hope).

Anyway, it doesn’t negate your points, but I hope it helps to clarify what I meant. :)

Leo Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 0:20 am

@Fekket: You’re right, I certainly can’t speak about clinical depression or similar disorders. I thank you for this valuable input!

FekketCantenel Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 0:23 am

P.S. Now that I’ve read through the comments, I see that you’ve already (sort of) acknowledged the “100% of everybody won’t be helped by this post” point.

Jodie captured my own anger in words, but focused on the practical obstacles to happiness, while I have experience with the psychological chemical ones.

I still say that if happiness is going to be the day’s topic, depression needs to be addressed. I’ve been reading productivity sites for years and have never even seen it mentioned. I’m jealous of the people who don’t notice the disparity.

FekketCantenel Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 0:25 am

… Wow, Leo, you reply damn quick.

Well, on a practical level, all I’m requesting is that you mention in the article that these are high standards to a depressed person, and that they might need more (chemical antidepressants, counselling, et cetera). Jodie’s suggestions might also be taken into account.

As for the possibility of actually addressing depression, I wish I could help, but like I said, all I can do is explain my experiences (maybe with collaboration from people in the Zen Habits forums).

Leo Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 0:29 am

@Fekket: Done! I added an edit to the article, as a disclaimer. And I thank you and others for point out this flaw in my article — it’s been a great discussion!

As for doing an article on clinical depression, I am in no way qualified to do so. A blogger named John Van Sickel did do a guest post on a related topic a little while ago you might be interested in — he’s not an expert, but someone who has gone through depression:

http://zenhabits.net/2007/08/6-practical-and-powerful-ways-to-overcome-depression/

a Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 0:29 am

to follow up on people attacking you for trying to spread happiness. ricard in his book cites examples of people living for decades in captivity and undergoing torture yet finding contentment/happiness. if something like that is possible than surely it must be possible to be happy while not being able to afford rent.

FekketCantenel Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 0:35 am

While your point on choosing to be healthy is a decent point, it has parallel flaws. Just this evening, I was thinking about a friend of mine. He weighs (if I remember correctly) 450 lbs on average, and has since he was very young. From what I remember, it’s a glandular problem of some sort. He also has grotesquely-swollen feet caused by lymphoma.

He’s probably the most upbeat guy I’ve ever met, but occasionally he settles down and gets depressed about his health. He knows that his life will be shorter than average, and that he can’t do a thing about it. The surgery necessary to even begin to deal with his problems is not only incredibly expensive, but dangerous.

So, while the vast majority of people can choose to be healthy, others — like my friend — don’t have a choice. He still lives with his problems and is generally a happy guy, but it really hurts him when people imply that he’s just a lazy fatass. Beside the fact that it’s judgmental, it’s not true.

What I’m saying is that while the ’shut up and get a life, drop and give me twenty’ attitude might work to get some people to wake up and take charge of their life, it can be very hurtful to people like me and my friend, who can’t help ourselves.

Leo Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 0:38 am

@Fekket: As I said in my comment, the statement “being healthy is a choice” obviously doesn’t apply to everyone. Certainly not your friend or people with various other diseases or health problems they have no control over.

FekketCantenel Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 0:40 am

a, don’t be insulting and trite. You missed the entire point of what I’m saying. Maybe you need to read about what depression is.

Besides, as I said repeatedly (and as he put in his disclaimer), Leo’s article is a great list for people not clinically-depressed or weighed-down by unavoidable life problems. I’m not against the spread of happiness; I just resented the implication that it would work for everyone.

Leo: Just looked at the disclaimer. It improves the article, but seems to be contradicted by what you say immediately after (”I know how that is, but…”). However, I’m satisfied. Thanks for listening to us.

FekketCantenel Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 0:43 am

*rereads Leo’s comment on health*

I read it as you implying that it can be done, but that it might take time. Then again, it’s almost midnight here, so I probably missed your point. Sorry, then, but I’m glad I got the chance to share the example of my friend (to add detail to the discussion).

I’ll stop commenting when people stop saying interesting things. So… I’ll probably still be here by morning.

Alex | Livingwish Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 0:56 am

Learning to enjoy the simplest things is the best point in the entire article in my opinion. It’s ironic of how people, even after years of experience, still want more than they can handle.

I also think that the reason it is hard for people to find contentment with the things they have, is largely due to peer pressure, and just seeing others with more hi-tech stuff.

Cheers to another great article Leo.

Alex

mike Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 0:56 am

“But listen to this: I’ve had those conditions at several points in my life. And sometimes, I was unhappy in those kinds of conditions. And others, I was happy and content. So I’ve come to the conclusion — and it’s proven true time and again — that it’s not the conditions that make me unhappy, but my choice of thoughts, of attitude, of behavior.”

For those whose conditions don’t inhibit moving forward — my feeling is that most of your readers fit the category — someone once said that (my paraphraase) we will stay the same until the pain of changing is less than the pain of staying the same. I surf with a guy who came back from a military tour & could not get it together. He’s a “genius” but was sleeping under a hotel on the beach. One day another homeless persons asked him to help him get to the other side of the island because that’s where he wanted to die. My friend, realizing that was his future, found a way to put his energy working for him. He got into college, now has a doctorate and owns his own software development company.

Christina M Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 1:02 am

Thank you so much! Reading this has helped me to remember that I live a truly blessed life, and that I should definitely be more thankful and appreciative.

FekketCantenel Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 1:02 am

mike, what happened to the guy who wanted to die?

Also, good analogy/truism. Pain is a motivator, as you say.

Margot Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 1:06 am

Wow. I came by to say that this has been one of my favorite articles from you so far. I’m glad I stayed for the discussion! Thank you all for pointing out that even in the case of happiness, there is diversity in humankind. A reminder to be sensitive to those around us. I am lucky in that my basic needs are met, and I’m free from depression, so happiness really is a choice for me. I appreciate the reminder and the advice shared in the article. My heart goes out to those not in my position.

Tom - Ponderosa Design Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 1:25 am

*Within my means for bedtime!*… and I finally got to catch one of the posts before morning coffee!

What a whirlwind tonight. Such an incredible concept contentment… Several years ago I was introduced to the concept of topics that are both extremes of one another, and yet dependent… like the way a bird has to use both wings to fly in a straight line, otherwise, it just flips in circles. It was used in the concept of guidelines and grace. We need both, and we need them together.

I see contentment as that moment we acknowledge certain noises from our human pain, and seek the opportunity to offset it with matured objectivity.

Sure life introduces pain, but when “we”… and to save my butt, “we” meaning those that have experienced earlier lives surrounded by too much excess, with such little room to process… when we look across the broader spectrum of humanity… those that have hurt before us, along side us, and have yet to hurt, there’s a chance to be empowered by grace to silence ego, and toss our arms around the shuttering child of realization.

I’m a father of an 18 month old son… and lately it’s been all of this battle almost daily. Messy house, disorganized time, faulty finances, sleepless nights… some arguments, TONS of shared meaning, and reminders of attachment parenting.

But I’m seeing that beauty, when we acknowledge simplified beauty… the glow of a spouses laughter, the rate of my son’s heartbeat, the sun finding it’s way above us again after the long winter… beauty seems to be the steady hand on a teared-over face inside. She holds our fragile state in balance with understanding pain and being content that we rose to another day.

So, in my little way of seeing life… I see that contentment is difficult to balance with our human pain… but pulled together with simple, acknowledged beauty… it might just send us straight ahead into greater maturity.

Stirring article. God know’s I needed to hear it.

Thanks again, Leo. Incredible how mentorship is taking new forms with this Information Age.

My peace to you all in your pursuits & life balances.

Eugene (Editor, Varsity Blah) Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 1:37 am

There are three quotes I’d like to share:

“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” – William Shakespeare

“Most people would rather be certain they’re miserable than risk being happy.” – Robert Anthony

“In the end you realize that happiness is a choice and that you might as well be happy because 99% of the time there’s no reason not to.” - Work in Progress

Great post, Leo!

BA Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 1:46 am

This is my first comment - just had to say awesome post. Keep it up!

Noah Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 1:59 am

When you smile, your brain releases chemicals that raise your mood. You have no choice in these chemical reactions, there’s no way to will your heart to stop beating or to release more dopamine into your nervous system.

But you can always choose to smile.

Hugo Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 2:09 am

As I’ve read in Lou Marinoff’s “The Big Questions”, positive thinking will turn dis-ease into ease and happiness. But it cannot cure disease.
The distinction between disease and dis-ease is an important one.
But I do agree on the power of positive thinking.
Hugo
http://www.peetersonline.nl

Griffin Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 2:19 am

Just my two-cents:

If anyone’s initial connection (and appreciation) of this site was like mine, it probably came by stumbling upon the page by happenstance (or referred by another site, friend, etc), reading something beautiful and/or profound, and eagerly awaiting the next post for more nuggets of knowledge/motivation.

Like a lot of things in life, though, as our expectations are continually met in our favor, then seemingly blindsided, it’s disheartening, discouraging, and downright wrong! (or so we think so)

Here’s a somewhat trite example: my favorite basketball team began their season this year with less than average expectations. After the first turn of the season, they began playing with amazing fortitude and won 14 games in a row. In my sports world, things were great. Until their streak ended. My heart sank and anger/disappointment welled up inside of me. Then I realized how much joy I experienced during this streak, and — even with the loss — what it really meant: progress.

It’s almost humorous (we can laugh, can’t we?) to think that this site, with its many examples, suggestions, and shared wisdom in our journey of life can sometimes create “bumps in the road” as we aim to employ some of these tips/thought processes. Yet, one things we can all agree to is that their are bumps in the road - lots of them. TONS! Yet our road still lay ahead, with twists, turns, and the resources to pave our own way at our ready. And regardless of these bumps - however severe they may be - they will become “bumps of the past” which means that we have achieved a milestone akin to that of my beloved basketball team: progress.

Sorry for the ramble. I’m a tad tired…but this post certainly spawned an interest and sympathy that I wanted to share. Even if it doesn’t make a ton of sense! :-)

Much love to all.

Avani Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 2:22 am

Something I learnt from my dad in my childhood:

Whenever you are sad, ask yourself:
Given what has happened, for how long will I remain sad. 1 year? 2 years? 10 years? If, my answer is 1 year, then can I not get out of this sadness within 6 months? If getting out of sadness within 6 months is possible, then isn’t the same thing possible in 3 months? …

Key question being that how much of my sad time is what happened worth.

And, if I will really get out of sadness someday then what would have changed between now and then. It’s definately not what happened or how things were. It might also not be how my life is. So what has caused this change.

The only thing that probably changed is that as time passed by, my mind told me that it is not worth being sad over it anymore. I make a decision to accept what happened / is happening and move ahead and choose happiness inspite of it.

And if I can make this decision to accept what happened then and make peace with it some time later, why can’t I do that today; fasten the process basically? Accepting today whatever has happened, however I am, frees me to move on and be happy.

While agreed extreme situations cannot be worked out this way, this technique has worked for me in practically all my tough times.

passerby Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 4:56 am

Chasing contentment is no different from chasing anything. Equanimity is better.

Jen Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 5:00 am

Leo — thanks for another great post. Your absolutely right in that having less & being content with that is the path towards happiness. It’s the people & relationships in our lives that make life worth living … along with the little things that bring us joy each and every day!

Robin Turner Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 5:02 am

On the question of whether we can choose to be happy, we need first to distinguish between unpleasant circumstances, like not being able to pay the rent, and clinical depression. If you can’t pay your rent, you can choose not be miserable about it (though of course that is a harder choice to make than, say, choosing not to be upset because you can’t get an iPhone). I don’t suppose Diogenes was worried about not being able to pay the rent. In the case of clinical depression, your capacity for choice is damaged because there is something physically wrong with your brain (if there isn’t, it shouldn’t be called clinical depression; it’s just normal misery).

So in a normal,function person, happiness and unhappiness are indeed the result of our choices. As Epictetus said, we are not disturbed by events, but by the opinions we form about events. However, it is not enough to simply chose to be happy (although that’s an important first step). The choices we make - usually without being aware of them - are at a deeper level. If I am unhappy because I can’t buy an iPhone, I haven’t chosen to be unhappy as such: I have chosen to believe that an iPhone is necessary for my well-being (and at a deeper level, that it is essential from me to get things that I want) and am unhappy as a result.

Bill Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 5:12 am

Hey Leo - thanks for a great post. I totally agree with your views on choice. You can choose happiness in the darkest of times. It takes courage.
Most people confuse the word decision and choice. In a decision the considerations make the selection. When you choose, you freely select after consideration. There is quite a distinction and it takes some real effort to establish the distinction.

Jay Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 5:34 am

Solid post, thanks very much.

thehealthblogger Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 6:46 am

Great article!

As Stephen Altrogge put it above, “very foreign in our Western culture!”

If you put aside 10 minutes and reflect on everything you are grateful for, you will feel on top of the world! Try it. Preferably whilst alone, in a quiet relaxing environment.

Brett Legree Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 7:42 am

I like what you wrote today. Distilled down, it makes a lot of sense. Be happy with what you have right now, because a positive mindset makes it easier for you to move towards a goal or goals that you have - which all of us have. If we wallow in misery, we won’t accomplish anything, and in fact, will bring others down.

Thanks for the words Leo, and congrats as well on your second marathon.

Shane Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 7:55 am

First off very good article. I was very interested in it but I am not sure if I was capable enough to catch the message or apply it to myself.

I am a very happy person and yet I have tremendous general discontent. My happiness comes from the fact that I love living (and maybe genetics), and I enjoy everything including the things that go wrong in my life. Each recognized failure is a learning experience and with learning comes growth and this is what living is all about. Currently I can’t pay my rent, my business is not so good, I have not had a meaningful relationship in way too long, and my physical health is not as good as it could be. But yet I am very happy but tremendously discontent with my situation. I suffer from severe panic attacks which keep me from socializing with friends or going out on dates, and yet I am still very happy in my loneliness. Even when I am depressed I enjoy the sadness just as I would enjoy a ‘good’ feeling…after all, to have feeling, good and bad, mean that you are alive. However, my happiness has nothing to do with my contentment and to base my happiness on my contentment would just drag me down. I do not choose to be happy, that may be beyond my powers, but I choose to live out all of my feelings and emotions. To choose to always be happy I would be cheating myself out of a well rounded existence. I know people who live under a bridge and are very happy but have very little contentment. And I also know people who have everything, they are very content, but they can’t figure out happiness. I personally have no problem with happiness but I cant find contentment.

I understand that everyone has a different can of beans to open and deal with. Wanting to be happy is human nature, no one wants to be sad. So to say all you need is to want to be happy is way to simple, like saying you need to want to not be hungry instead of feeding yourself. By saying that is is your choice, those who can’t find happiness for whatever reason are they failing? Or they just don’t want it enough? There is so much more to the equation that go way beyond ones will or contentment. Simplifying it also makes failure that much more simple as well.

Danielle Says Hello Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 7:57 am

One of your best articles yet!! Well done!!

Eva Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 8:01 am

Great article. I love your blog–I’m now making it a daily reading habit, although there are many I don’t get to everyday. Thank you for well thought out, very wise, well-written posts.

On a side note, I’d be interested in hearing what are the 10 or so blogs that you’ve pared down to reading (I’m pretty sure that was you I read saying that.) I’m still a little overwhelmed with those I try to follow.

Again, thanks for a great post and an awesome blog.

Eva

Diana Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 8:22 am

Wise words, Leo, thank you.

blogrdoc Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 8:43 am

When I think being content, I think about Bob Dylan’s line:

“All I’ve got is a red guitar, three chords and the truth”

I might not have many readers on my blog (yet) - but I just think to myself: “all I’ve got is a blog, three subscribers…”

Wendi Kelly Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 9:05 am

@Shane,
Believe it or not- I just understood everything you just said- I totally get it and was thinking along the same lines as I read through these comments.Years and years ago, I made a very poor choice and married a man who turned out to be a very dangerous wife-beater who tried to kill me. getting him out of my life was a nightmere lesson. I was depressed, terrified, embarassed. Yet I discovered, amazingly that he hadn’t been able to take away my basic ability to be happy and grateful for the world around me, my family and my joy in being alive. I was still a happy person. Learning this about myself gave me great strength, but remains a mystery, as the discussion here shows. I don’t know exactly how it can be…and if the secret could be unlocked for everyone it would be a wonderful thing, but I don’t really know what it is.

T Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 9:13 am

Thanks for a good post and discussion.

My thoughts reading the post were related to but distinct from the main discussion. I too thought “yet another person saying ‘just be glad you have your health, that you’re alive!’… but what does that do for you when you DON’T have your health, and that’s what you’re grieving for?” But, I don’t want to complain that it makes the article wrong - I want to know if you have any thoughts (or could may be do a post, or get a guest poster) on how to apply these kinds of concepts when health is one of the problems.

In my case, I’m not actually thinking so much of depression, but of two close family members who both have aggressive and incurable cancers. For both, they are anxious and scared, and we all know that this itself has a terribly high cost - when the time left to you is limited, you want even more not to waste any of it failing to appreciate what’s around you. But it’s so hard sometimes. Being young and healthy myself, a lot of my optimism is of the “I’ve got life!” (think: Nina Simone at the end of the song) variety. I know it is possible to lose even the future and if anything get better at focusing on the now that’s still left to us, but… yeah. I guess my point is clear: if you’re thinking of extensions to this post, don’t forget times where your very life feels about to leave you!

Btw, if you’re looking for info on what this can feel like, David Rieff’s memoirs about his mother’s (Susan Sontag) death are a painful but vivid and, in my experience, accurate description of just how hard this kind of a situation can be for someone who’s lived their life with a focus (however optimistic) on the future.

@ Avani: I really liked this comment, thanks for sharing it!

-t

Maria - Never the Same River Twice Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 9:19 am

I think one of the best exercises in contentment and creative thinking is to go 24 hours without buying anything. It forces you to consider what you have available to you and reinforces abundance thinking.

--Deb Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 9:20 am

Loved this post. I agree with you about happiness, too. Barring psychological/chemical disorders beyond a person’s control–and also barring catastrophic events (because, nobody really *should* be happy at, say, a parent’s funeral or a hospital emergency room)–I absolutely do feel that a person can make themselves happy if they try hard enough. Certainly, it’s easy to make oneself miserable by dwelling on how awful things are, so why shouldn’t the reverse be true?

nicole Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 9:29 am

Grat article! And to Sara, the poster from yesturday who commented on her ex- thank you for just posting what you did. I am married to someone who is so miserable that he cannot enjoy his life, let alone me or our children. I keep hoping he will change, but I don’t believe he will anymore.

Char Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 9:33 am

Depression is a luxury for the West. Some people may get mad at me for saying that, but it’s true. Look at people in third world countries, they may be unhappy, but they can’t afford to be depressed (both in the literal and emotional sense). They are too busy trying to LIVE to be depressed. It’s not just me saying this, it’s been proven in studies.

They say they don’t understand what causes depression in people. I think not having a purpose in your life is a large contributing factor. Look at celebrities, how many of them have met an untimely end due to overdosing on drugs (prescription or otherwise)? When you have everything given to you and you remove that normal daily grind to motivate you, then these kinds of behaviours become more and more prevalent.

I understand about having a hard life situation, I used to live in America and grew up having absolutely nothing handed to me. Now, I can only speak as someone with a sound mind and body. I have no clinical problems, but just the regular human ones. I have followed Leo’s advice even before I knew about this site. I have have had times where I have felt so low, but I found something to keep me moving forward and now I’m running full tilt toward my goals. I’m like Leo, I have goals and I will always have goals, and they will be better than my old goals. It’s people who have NO goal in their lives that I think are more susceptible to these kinds of problems (and I mean many self fulfilling goals that you always strive for). People in third world countries always have a goal, even if that goal is to find food to eat that day. That is what I think prevents them from getting depression, even though they have every reason in the world to be depressed.

In the end, the mind is a tricky thing, and we will spend our whole lives trying to figure ourselves out. But I think for those who are motivated and have passions, it is easier to find happiness than those who don’t.

Becky Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 9:34 am

In addition to the points others have brought up, I think it’s also important to distinguish between sadness and mourning.

What interesting, is the question of whether one can be happy through times of mourning. I think the key is to never lose the faith, whatever form it takes, that gives you a strong, quiet place inside.

Chris Austria Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 9:38 am

Hey Leo–

Did some of the commenters get to you with your knack for making a list? Be yourself man, this is why I love reading your posts.

Anyway, my two cents about contentment. Whenever I feel ill-content with my life or situation, I begin focusing on other people’s lives. This forces me to see that I should be content with my life because it is the one that I made and everything in it is precious.

Mojowrkn Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 9:56 am

Thanks-Ive recently taken a pay cut for a job I consider more satisfying that also gives me more time for myself and my family. My health is excellent and time with my babygirl is more valuable than any money.

But ive gotta say in a society that values earning power it is an ego adjustment to move to what many would consider a less prestigious/powerful position.

Im working on it and this helps.

Aloha-John

Dot Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 10:00 am

I LOVE THIS POST!! Thanks for giving us a nice long dose of your thuoghts again, too.

On being happy — I can speak from experience on severe childhood abuse, clinical depression, and multiple handicaps. I agree with the therapist who commented that at times it just isn’t possible to choose to be happy. In those cases, the best one can do is to choose to make efforts towards being happy or at least less depressed. When severely depressed, you just can’t see any of the good in life, but you can choose to trust a therapist and can choose to embark on the (terrifying for a lot of us) experience of taking drugs that will affect the mind — antidepressants.

On being handicapped, because I am one of those who asked, “Why me?” for many years and still live in anger and grief far too much of the time, I remind myself that there are handicapped people who are happy and there are people with the same handicaps who aren’t happy.

We can choose to be content with who we are as we face things we can’t control. And after going through the various stages of grieving for our loss of health, control over our lives, independence, or whatever else has been taken from us by life, we can finally reach the stage of acceptance and make peace with the fact that life is the way it is, we can’t change it, and now we’re going to try to make the best of what’s left of it.

On being happy with a relationship — After my Dad died, I remarked to my therapist that it’s amazing how you can come to see all of a person’s really annoying habits with affection, after they’ve died. She replied, “Or even while they’re living.”

skyz Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 10:14 am

i went to a yoga ashram for a while and the ‘guru’ used to say there were four corners to spiritual life - contentment serenity good association and study of scriptures (does not matter which ones) - contentment is being satisfied - buddha said suffering was one degree or another of dissatisfaction - i have a would be friend who is always attempting and for the most part succeeding in controlling those around her for what she thinks is her benefit yet she is always discontented - she thinks she is winning but she is not factoring the extremely high spiritual and psychological cost - she makes it difficult or impossible for anyone to truly be a friend to her - she could have a million year and no responsibilities and still be discontented - contentment is all about being satisfied with who ou are not what you have -

Ezuk Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 10:15 am

Wow Leo — what a beautiful post.

Truly inspirational. I took a few things for myself.

Thank you.

Rick - Tripping the Muse Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 10:39 am

Thank you for another inspiring post. I’m also at a point in my life where I’m stepping back to view what is really important. This post came at a great time.

Rick

Harshad Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 10:46 am

Wonderful thoughts!

Loved every bit of it.

Thanks!

randy Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 10:47 am

it’s a shame that this does not apply to me.

Tom Stine Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 10:53 am

Wow, Leo, you got some people fired-up! Excellent discussion going on. And now, my two cents:

We can argue about this one until the cows come home, but the interesting points to me are (a list for you Leo):

1. Some people can have EVERY possible advantage and life and be miserable.
2. Others can be in a concentration camp and fine moments of happiness and definitely meaning and purpose in life.

3. So, can ordinary western people “think” their way out of unhappiness? Yes.
4. Can some ordinary western people who have no mental or emotional disorders be “stuck” in unhappiness? Yes.
5. Can some clinical depressed, diagnosed, medicated people work with the their thoughts and find a way “out” of the depression, get off meds, and live a “normal” life? Yes (there are some beautiful stories of this one the ‘Net).

My point: everyone wants to make blanket statements, and that is impossible. Some people will stay hopelessly stuck, unable to “choose” to think their way to happiness. And others will “choose” to think their way out. I think there is far more to this story than meets the eye. And I won’t pretend to have the answers. Just ideas and questions. Have a great day!

Jen Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 11:05 am

As a therapist, I believe you do your clients a great disservice by believing they do not have a choice. Even in the worst of circumstances (except perhaps some psychological disorders), regardless of what is lacking, the last refuge is the mind. If you believe you are a victim with no choices, why bother trying to do anything? We should be empowering people to do whatever little it is they DO have control over and focus on that. And we DO have control of our thoughts.

“We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning

michael Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 11:05 am

my father once told me, “you make your own suffering.”

a few years later, he died.

it took me another fifteen years to realize that he was also saying, “you make your own happiness.”

Susan Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 11:35 am

I have suffered from depression since adolescence. I can’t change my brain chemistry; I know it’s still there and always will be. But at one point when I was about 19-20, I realized that Eleanor Roosevelt was right–not even my own depression could make me feel bad without my allowing it to happen.

I can still tell when I’m in the middle of the worst of it. I cry easily, get frustrated more quickly, and feel like eating everything in the house. I can’t opt out of that, I can’t choose to make that go away. I can choose to remind myself of the good things in my life. I can make it a mantra that “this, too, will pass”, and know that I will be able to ride it out every time.

It’s the same, I think, with famine, HIV, whatever. You can’t choose for your life to be fantastic. You can choose to celebrate the good things in it. If anything, the good things mean *more* when other things are bad. Being happy doesn’t require an absence of pain or illness. A generally happy person will still have sorrows in his/her life. How we respond to those says more about our ability to be happy than anything else. Everybody should be able to find something they can hold onto. I suppose it’s possible that there may be one or two people in the world who have no friends, no family, no ability to enjoy a song or a story, no place to sleep and no food to eat, no faith, no health, *none* of that… but for everybody else, there’s *something*, however small, to hold on to.

Lily Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 11:56 am

Thanks, Susan. Some comments are more nuanced and interesting than the actual posts.

Matt Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 12:01 pm

Loved the post. A question I have to pose: what if environmental factors (who you live with,who you live around, etc.) are making you unhappy, unable to achieve contentment?

Is there a way aside from a) escaping or b) losing the friendships, reputation, etc. that you have achieved to achieve contentment in such an atmosphere?

creativelyseflemployed.com Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 12:03 pm

Leo, I love this article. So many of us don’t remember that happiness is a choice–and that negativity is where the brain normally goes. It takes WORK–sometimes just admittance–to be happy. But it’s possible–just a choice like other decisions.

Great article!!!

Chris Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 12:05 pm

@Susan:

You can change your brain chemistry. Your seratonin and melatonin levels are not dictated by birth. I know how depression feels, and I know how much safer it is to think that it’s biological and not something we can control. This is a limiting belief that will keep you in depression. If you really want change, understand that even the chemical imbalances in your mind are a result of the way you are thinking, and by moving the baseline of your thinking to a more positive place, the depression will lessen, and eventually go away permanently.

The chemical imbalance is real, and I know that ’snapping out of it’ isn’t really an option. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the chemical imbalance being caused by thought patterns and internal beliefs. Change those patterns and beliefs, and the chemical imbalance goes away.

Pop a cap Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 12:07 pm

this is complete bullshit. Just like a Calvin and Hobbes comic said, just keep your expectations for yourself and others low and you will find contentment

Sam Liddicott Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 12:08 pm

“Content for now” is how I handle it.

I don’t have to let specific dis-satisfactions from spoiling my contentedness if I have plans (or even seeds of them).

Peter @ Plan Your Escape Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 12:16 pm

Happiness is indeed a powerful state. Being happy with what you’ve already got is great step towards a more fulfilling life. I like to have a “that’s good enough for me!” outlook on life and it saves me a lot of trouble.

All the best,

Peter

Ezio Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 12:39 pm

Awesome! Great Zen goggles you’ve got on there. But it’s ok to be bummed out once in a while too, because life invariable throws out some really nasty earthquakes now and again.

One of the great things about contentment is that it’s an opportunity to practice your discipline for adversity: if you can’t be content to sit quietly in front of the glimmer of a candle flame, how can you be compassionate in a time of crisis? You can’t, which is why working so hard to be contented with the present moment is so worthwile.

Your tips here are invaluable reminders of just how important it is to practice, practice, practice.

Bravo again, Leo!

Dustin Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 12:48 pm

Your post is self-contradicting. Aristotle may have wrote that one line, but you misconstrued its meaning a little. You say that being content synonymous with being happy, but that isn’t the whole story. Contentment is tied more to your self-esteem and your self-esteem generally determines your happiness. Think about it, the happiest you can possibly be is total and 100% contentment with everything in your life. No matter what, you cannot be happier than that, how could you?

What is missing here is that you could be happier and that is my point. Contentment should be a negative state of mind as contentment breeds apathy in people. Contentment is certainly a goal, but not one that should actually be reached. In life, to be happy you strive for a point where you are truly wholly content with everything about yourself, but you never actually reach the goal. If you were to reach the goal you would essentially instantly become apathetic about life as you have no desire to improve it.

By your logic, achieving contentment would be immoral as once you reach it, you would have ended your quest to be a better person. You can’t have it both ways though. If you want to be a better person at any time, then, by definition, you are most certainly not content. You can still be happy though, just not content, otherwise you would strive to maintain, not advance.

Taxee Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 12:56 pm

Contentment is a very important aspect of Christianity, although like a lot of things in the Bible, it is not practiced by the majority of those that call themselves Christians.

St. Paul said that he didn’t “speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content” (Phil 4:11). He also said that “godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out. And having food and raiment let us be therewith content” (I Tim 6:6-8).

Elmer Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 12:56 pm

You have got to be kidding. 50,000 people subscribe to this? Did you actually study any of these philosophies in any depth at all? Or just an afternoon of Wikipedia surfing? Good god man, do actually believe this nonsense, or is it just a ploy to get page hits?

Dominic Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 12:59 pm

Thank you. A wonderful article.

Sam Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 13:20 pm

Response to
Jodie Says:
April 2nd, 2008, 23:03 pm

I was visiting Taiwan, where my friend introduced me to an extremely nice lady, who was raising one 10 year old daughter. She was living in a small apartment, and just-getting-by from her job making stuff in some factory-type setting.

You say it’s only people who are set with basics such as food, shelter and safety who are able to choose happiness. I disagree. It’s a matter of confidence in your own abilities to effect change to your environment. Having the confidence in your own ability stems from a combination of your education, personality, and awareness of your situation.

My experiences visiting the slums of India and Thailand in contrast with the well-to-do neighborhoods has one glaring difference. Time.

More specifically, using time better. A man in the slums and a man in the penthouse both have the same 24 hours in a day. The rich man chooses to spend his time and energy going after money, and constructing the life he wants. The poor man doesn’t know better, and feels that his life as it is now is all his life can be. It’s a choice both make. The poor man is a victim of his own ignorance of his own powers. Not to mention the fact that everyone around him also believes their lives are stuck in the current situation.

Even in most of the US, where I live, people are choosing to live the entitlement mentality, where they feel they deserve better, but don’t want to hold up their end of the bargain. It’s not a matter of “I should get more; the system is so unfair” the system is neutral. It’s YOU who chooses which part of the system you subject yourself to.

I can’t speak on behalf of other governmental systems, as my experience is limited, but where I live, anyone who empowers themselves (inner strength) is both content with themselves, and can walk the line between ambition and contentment effectively.

Take from me everything, and I’ll acquire it back. I rule my world, not any external force.

Marlene Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 13:21 pm

ELMER - exactly. No depth here. But people are… content with lists and tips, ooh, great post thanks I feel better.

Juanita Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 13:28 pm

I have been practicing living like this for almost a year now and it’s amazing how much has changed in my life. I feel better, I don’t focus on negativity, I absolutely count my blessings, and it’s a really great way to start the day. Things we see as commonplace like a roof over your head, a job, a car to transport you and your crap (nod to George Carlin), all your appendages, your sanity, a shower!! These are all things to be extremely grateful for…It’s always wonderful to be reminded. Re: relationships, for those of us who are still single, for whatever reason, the key is to be content with yourself and they will come to you. You attract what you need when you need it. Thank you for allowing me to share and for writing a wonderful post.

Sam Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 13:30 pm

sorry, i got off track.

I basically wanted to say that the lady in Taiwan has a choice. my sister and her friend were appalled at what I had said, and proceeded to tell me all about her hardships. I, to this day, still stand by my idea that it’s entirely up to her what she chooses to do with her time.

There are no rules that says a person can’t improve their social situations. There may be rules obstructing their path, but it’s entirely up to them to master the social/interpersonal systems in which they find themselves to effect change in their own lives.

S.o.G. Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 13:34 pm

No matter how extreme your circumstances or chemical brain imbalances, there is room to choose contentment. If you doubt this, you need to read the writings of Viktor Frankl. This fact of existence is cornerstone of the very idea of sentience.

What is offensive is when people use this concept to justify not caring about or feeling societal/moral obligation to help others with poorer circumstances than our own. But I see no hint of this whatsoever in this post.

And in fact, teaching people that they are able to choose their emotional responses to circumstances and training them in this skill (it is a skill that has to be learned, not just a mental switch you can turn on) is probably the most important tool you can give them for improving their circumstances — and I say this as someone who spent years on welfare and without good relationships but now earns high 6 figures and a relationship that I find very rewarding. I certainly had some luck and used some societal privilege in this process, but primarily it was about changing how I thought about myself. Even if I receive strong contradictory signals from my brain & physiology because my brain chemistry is somewhat defective. I can ignore those signals and focus on what I choose to believe about myself & the world. The drugs prescribed for my condition & therapy were also helpful, but not the key. Now I rarely use those drugs, because I’ve developed my skill at choosing my emotional responses to the point where I rarely need their help.

People’s happiness (AND success) in life depend very much on what sort of lies they tell themselves. For example, most of the benefit of growing up in privileged circumstances lies in the sort of story you become habituated in telling & believing about yourself.

Here is the objective truth for every single one of us: from this moment forward you will steadily decay, suffering more and more until you very quickly die and are almost as quickly forgotten having left absolutely no discernible trace on the universe in which you lived.

No matter what your circumstances or chemical makeup, that is the bare truth.

All the fuss is about tiny tiny differences in detail in that story that any objective observer observing from a distance would find utterly indiscernible.

How much happiness and meaning we find in living out this story depends primarily in how creative and positive a network of lies we tell ourselves about our existence.

Avi Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 13:35 pm

This is very wise.

Steve Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 13:43 pm

The part on relationships is non-sense in my opinion and you just need to change the wording of the first and last sentence to see why …

Instead, learn to be content with the person you are, just as you are.

… (a bunch of stuff deleted) …

You might change your behavior (but most often not), but you will be unhappy, and in turn the relationship will suffer.

… so my point … be true to yourself, and if your current partner can’t appreciate you for who you are, find another partner. Then, and only then, will you be content in a relationship.

Heal Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 13:55 pm

Great post! and loving the comments

Roboarmy Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 14:02 pm

There is this misguided belief most folks have that we are slaves to our emotions and this is simply untrue. Our emotions are 1 part motivated and 1 part choice. We may be motivated to feel sad or happy or angry but we also have the choice to enhance or diminish these emotions. Take the very wealthy for example they have every motivation to be happy yet some are misrable. This is seen quite often with famous people and their self-destructive habbits. They are choosing misery over the motivation to be happy.

The inverse is obvious we have problems and trials that motivate us to feel sad, angry, despair or any other emotion. We must choose to not be defeated by these motivations. We must choose to be happy. Suffering has always exsisted yet people found the courage and strength to feel happy and that motivated them to do somthing about the suffering.

It may be easy to say, for someone who has lost a loved one, or suffers from chemical inbalances, or has cancer or any other illness, that they should be sad or feel depressed, this is common. So I say do not be common be Great say I will be happy. Tell them they are loved if by no one else other than you and while you cannot change the circumstances of their life they can change their response to them.

A person is not defined by what happens to them in their life, but instead how they choose to act.

J Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 14:04 pm

@fekket et al (even Elmer)
Clinical depression does bring up an interesting point of view in this context of contentment, happiness etc.

My disclaimer: I was a first-hand sufferer of clinical depression. And my conclusion and observations are this: it’s not them (prescriptions and therapists) that are responsible for overcoming depression, it ultimately is you and your attitude. In many many (but not all) cases they elliviate certain symptoms and facilitate new understandings in order to change certain beliefs, attitudes, behaviors, and ultimately results.

In my many many conversations with other (clinically) depressed people, therapy sessions, first hand experiences - I can summarize the success factors for many (again not all) in overcoming depression.

The people who do progress out of depression view it as something to deal with head on, seek help, admit they have something to change, learn from, and make real changes that affect attitudes. The one’s who suffer longer or don’t progress at all, see a cure from depression as something they are entitled to. The “I don’t deserve to feel like this” rut. And usually count on outside sources (medications and therapists) to cure them. Before you shoot the messenger, please realize I know I’m generalizing here. Also note I am basing this on real patient experiences (including my own), therapists’ observations, clinical study reports, etc.

After being prescribed anti-depressants and going through therapy for years, it wasn’t until I stop denying certain truisms, changed my attitude toward contentment.

Personal note: One of the small but memorable tipping points for me was re-reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. Pirsig explores the pursuit of quality (what ever it means to you) and it’s profound relationship to your attitude. You could convincingly argue that his thinking wasn’t new, that he just borrowed from various ancient wisdoms and repackaged them, reinterpreted them even. And even if you were successful in that argument, so what?
I’m grateful for the fact that it’s packaged for a more contemporary context to provide greater meaning to the reader. For any of you struggling, I hope you find your epiphany, your tipping point toward change in something - maybe even this blog.

The value for any source of learning is a good dose of astute, relevant story telling. And for that I’m greatly appreciative for what Leo’s accomplished with ZenHabits.net.
I hope you all can too.

Veen Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 14:37 pm

I was really surprised by a therapist not to see the essence of the article and pointing out how a particular problem can cause unhappiness.
If someone was not able to pay their rent, it doesn’t mean they can’t be happy.. didn’t you watch “Pursuit of Happyness”.
If you have a problem in your life, you should work towards solving it and complain about it.. thats how you achieve happineess.
I definitely think the choices we make in our life makes our life.

dinkie Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 14:49 pm

OK lots of people have commented about depression and Leo you have added a disclaimer.
I work (day job) in the health sector. I have suffered from depression, been on antidepressants, had lots of therapy, walked around under a black cloud for years. I know what it feels like and I used to have the same reaction as the therapist who posted here - “don’t be such a pollyanna I can’t change the bad stuff happening to me”. I hated my job, everything about my life.

Antidepressants just sedated me, made me accept our consumerist society, I couldn’t getup the energy to change anything. Therapists, I’m afraid, despite my high hopes, just made me dwell on the “problems” - not what I had to be happy about.
You want to know what changed my mind? I watched my father die, painfully, from cancer. Every day he deliberately found something to be happy about. He took up painting. He found happiness in a “flow” state even though he know that he was dying of an incurable, painful disease.
He knew that no amount of stupid, fake “positive thinking” would fix anything. What did help was trying to feel just a little bit happy every day. If he could make the effort to do that even when he was dying then all the rest of you can make the effort.
All Leo is saying is stop moaning about what’s so bad about your little life - and concentrate on what you can change and what’s already working. If you’re reading this, then you’re alive not dead - isn’t that enough for one day? And for goodness sake concentrate on doing something useful instead of moaning about what’s wrong with your life. Bad stuff happens and will happen to all of us. Loads of people lose legs, sight, etc, and then go on to do amazing things- and the rest of us moan because some minor bad stuff happened and run off to a therapist. Who in developing countries can even afford a therapist? They have to get on with it and make the best of life that they can - so us with our privileged Western lifestyle and internet connections should realize how lucky we are and get on with it. Make art for goodness sake.

Keep up the good work Leo - you’re doing something incredibly worthwhile - please don’t get put off by a few negative comments. Sparking debate is important.

vinu Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 15:28 pm

I would disagree with this edit :-)

Edit based on reader comments: I cannot speak to whether this concept of happiness applies to everyone — especially clinically depressed or those with similar disorders, people who are starving or homeless, people who have undergone massive tragedies or abuse, or others in such circumstances. However, for most readers, I believe the principles will apply.

I suffer from Bipolar Disorder and I ahve come to believe that its entirely in the way we react. Yes, I am pre-disposed to be more sad or happy. But with constant objective thought its possible.

Kelly Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 15:29 pm

I love this post. I also thought your follow up points were so right on. Making the choice to be healthy or choose happiness does not mean instantly being healthy or happy but working in that direction. It is a lifestyle choice that over time will become a positive habit with positive results.

Thank you, Leo.

Magic Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 15:32 pm

Wow! A lot of discussion here. I find it interesting that people will take the time to read your post and flame you about it, yet they are subscribers.

I don’t read anything that doesn’t help or interest me. If I find something online that I think is useless, I pass it by.

@Tom Stine and @ Susan - yes! Thank you.

Well said, Leo, even before the disclaimer.

Magic Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 15:37 pm

One more thing …

I sincerely doubt there is ANYONE in this world who has not experienced some hardships. Loved ones die, we become ill, bad things happen … yet there are people in the world who choose to view their life as a blessing.

I was a victim of sexual abuse when I was 6 years old and again when I was 12. My mother died when I was 11 and my father when I was 24. Tell me I don’t have a reason to be blue or upset.

However, if you talk to anyone who knows me, they’ll tell you I’m one of the most positive people they know.

No, I’m not homeless and I’m not afflicted with a terrible disease. But even those who are find ways to be happy people. Miserable people continue to bring misery on themselves and those around them. You don’t have to believe it for it to be true.

EVERYONE has a reason to be down and out, and EVERYONE also has something to be thankful for. Start with the gifts you have - the ability to read, the ability to access the internet and learn, the fact that you live in a time where knowledge and information is only a click away. Realize there are people in this world who suffer far more than you do every minute of the day.

This isn’t poo-pooing genuine social injustice or disease or horrible things. This is just realizing that the power of your mind is a wonderful thing.

Marlene Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 15:39 pm

I’m NOT a subscriber, I only read some stuff but don’t get so much out of it.

Travis Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 15:58 pm

Thanks for the post, Leo! I think you weathered some of the critical comments very well. I responded at length over at my blog. I would love to hear your thoughts. Thanks!

http://www.traviseneix.com/position-situations-to-gain-more-contentment/

SpaceAgeSage Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 16:18 pm

I lived with chronic depression all my adult life. Finally, I had enough. I started thinking along the lines of Leo’s post a couple years back, realizing medication, exercise, sunshine or anything external was not going to help me fully. Yes, they help a lot of folks, but I saw no improvement. I had to turn inside. I had to go deep, where most of us don’t want to go and see the nasty issues therein. I discovered EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and NLP (Neuro-Linguistics Programming). From those leading edge therapies, I realized traumatic events don’t always get processed by the brain in the normal fashion, and that the younger self creates an inner message it operates under subconsciously until the message is released. For example, a seven year old might think, “My parents’ rage hurts me when I talk back or try to argue, so I will become a people pleaser instead, pushing my own needs aside.” Result? “Anger you feel you do not have a right to have. Hopelessness” — Louise Hay, on depression. This was my case. Pushing inward to find and release the many self-limiting messages has been fast-paced because of the nature of NLP. It has helped in health and other issues. Embracing open, helpful attitudes like Leo’s aided me, too. Changing my relationship with God from legalistic “do-gooder” to relaxed reliance upon God’s ability to change me internally helped more. I found that casting blame is easy, but radical personal responsibility is not.

Shannon Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 16:18 pm

I really enjoyed this post. I try to live my life by these principles as well and its challenging…especially when that is seen as being passive to making change happen. I really enjoy reading this blog and am a new subscriber…

Mike Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 16:41 pm

To Elmer and Marlene: You complain about lack of depth yet you don’t give any yourselves. Perhaps, in your infinite wisdom (since you speak with such sure conviction) you can explain to us why it’s wrong or give us some depth? I don’t understand people who make cheap jabs that provide absolutely no gain to anyone.

To Dustin: While I agree that people should always strive for more, I fail to see how just because you may reach a point where you don’t have further goals that life will “end” for them or they will become apathetic. Just because you have nothing further to gain doesn’t mean you stop having anything at all. You can still enjoy — quite a lot — what you already have.

The other common issue I don’t understand happening here is people’s complain that you lacked that disclaimer (seeing what’s missing), yet they were awfully good at seeing things that aren’t there at all. Unless the original post changed more than the inclusion of the disclaimer, I don’t see where this post specificially said that it applied to everyone under all circumstances. I don’t understand why people got so mad and offended at something that wasn’t even specifically directed towards them. I think it’s obvious this post was made with the intention of helping people and perhaps making them self-aware, yet some completely glossed over that and turned the post into something about themselves and their “unchangeable” problems. Can’t you just take it as a means for making you think about your own life? Do you NOT want to improve your life so much that you just reject things that don’t mirror the current state of your life?

On a personal level, I totally agree with what was said in the post. I know it’s true because I’ve implemented such things in my own life. As a child, if I had been taken to specialists I would have been formerly diagnosed with some form of mild autism. Or, at the very least, diagnosed with both social anxiety and general anxiety disorders. To make it short, I was scared to death to do anything outside of daycare and my home life (just playing at home and interacting with family). And at the same time, I just couldn’t relate to other people (I didn’t understand human social interaction at all). I was very depressed for several years… once I became of an age where I understood my situation, how I fit into the world and could see my life as it was. Many years later I’m living on my own in San Diego (I have a job, food, a car, an apartment, clothes, etc), I have real friends who are close to me and I can trust — even some that, dare I say, understand some part of me. I can also meet new people, strike up conversations, go out (to the bar, to dinner, parties, etc)…. it’s a total 180 from where I was not so long ago. I never sought therapy, never took any medication, nothing outside of my own mind helped me. All I did was make some choices. I finally stopped and took an objective look on my life and decided that it wasn’t what I wanted. So I made choices and I proceeded to DO what was necessary to achieve what it was I did want. I realized that, yes, some things may be inherent in my current nature… but due to the fact that I could imagine other things and the fact that I actually wanted those things and thought they would make me happy… mean that I could change that nature. And you now what? I did. Was it hard? Oh you bet it was, damn hard, but I pushed through it anyway.

Do I still have sad/angry/depressed times? You bet I do. But, that does not make me unhappy. I think some confusion lies in that people think what is being said is that when you choose to be happy you’re just happy all the time. No, it means you choose to be a happy person. Just like one mistake or one bad deed doesn’t make someone a bad person (the whole person)… unhappy events don’t make a person unhappy (on the whole). Bad things happen, but does it mean that overall I’m unhappy? No.

The only constant is change, people, so no, your chemical imbalances, your hardships… they wont last forever… and the only chance for change isn’t when you die, either.

Marlene Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 16:50 pm

Infinite wisdom, I wish for it!
Only because I criticize I have to prove I’m better than the author? I don’t know if I’m better, maybe not, but I don’t write a “spiritual - self help blog”… if I write for people I must have lot to say, with depth, yes.
i can make critics to a writer even if I didn’t write novels.

And I’m not writing in my language so it0 sdifficult.

Rumpelstiltskin Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 17:17 pm

First off, Leo, thank you for your writings. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed them, and you always seem to say something that sticks with me.
I once heard a talk from a man who had survived cancer (unfortunately, for the life of me, I can’t remember his name). He was talking about what he learned from his experience, and one of the things he said was essentially what you have said here, though he said it differently. He said, “everything that happens in your life is neutral, and it’s you who puts a positive or a negative spin on it.” It’s something which has stuck with me, and now I’ve been trying to live my life without regrets.
I think people are taking issue not with the underlying message, but with the way it was said. The way you wrote it, it seemed to imply, “If you are unhappy, it’s your own fault for being so negative,” which is, like you said, quite harsh.
I think we can all be happy. All we need to do is acknowledge the positive in everything.

WeirdGuy Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 17:42 pm

Leo, this is a topic I have been thinking a lot about lately. I have written some about contentment as related to work and I have written about “balance” in regard to life of which contentment is factored in. My friend, Alex, writes a lot about Happiness and I have corresponded with him about the topic.

Part of what I see is the issue of symantics. How individuals define contentment and happiness. It seems every person/culture has a unique bent on how they define these terms. As I have read through the comments here, I see many of the concerns and statements expressed are a direct response of personal definitions. Keep the discussion going.

Cheers,
-Eric
(a.k.a. WeirdGuy)

Taxee Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 17:46 pm

To Elmer and Marlene:

Criticism that is not constructive is useless and is generally referred to as “flaming”.

Mike Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 17:47 pm

For me, choosing to be happy was something that worked. I have been “content” for the last 25 years or so. It works, it works long term, and my life is better for it.

When you tell some people this, they can immediately come up with 10 reasons why it won’t work for them. In that case, I just figure the real reason is that they don’t want to be happy.

blogophob Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 17:50 pm

i didn’t had the time to read the complete discussion. so if the Maslow’s hierarchy was mentioned i’m sorry. if not here is the link to the theory:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow’s_hierarchy_of_needs

Jim Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 18:14 pm

Fortify thyself with contentment: that is an impregnable stronghold. ~ Epictetus

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epictetus

Kristy Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 18:15 pm

Leo ~ I’ve been offline for awhile while moving and have to admit that I’ve been having withdraws from your daily inspiration! This was an excellent post to return to, and as always, I think you’ve handled the controversy well. :)

I, too, noticed the difference in the way the article was written and hope that you aren’t sneaking in a change on us here. Your lists are one of my favorite things about your blog. :)

Off to read the archives. It’s good to be back!

Abe I Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 18:39 pm

Leo, great article. Liked your comparison about happiness being something you work toward, just like one would when making wise choices about eating heathy. I think so much of our society is looking for a quick-fix, that the idea of applying long-term principles everyday seem archaic. When you plant the seed of happiness you have to work and watch that it grow everyday with the choices we make. Else, what good is it planting a seed and then magically waiting for the tree to grow? It certainly does work for mother nature, and it won’t work within us.

Abe I Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 18:54 pm

It certainly does work for mother nature, and it won’t work within us.

should say:

It certainly does NOT work for mother nature, and it won’t work within us.

Stephanie Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 19:59 pm

Marlene and Elmer - you’ve got a choice not to read Leo’s posts! Obviously, lots of us enjoy them and find them useful. I don’t see where posting something negative really adds much …

Leo Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 20:33 pm

Thanks everyone for such an amazingly interesting discussion. I can’t respond to all the points, as it would take all day, but be assured that I’ve read all the comments and think this is one of the better comment threads on Zen Habits.

Regarding a few people who posted negative comments without contributing much to the discussion … I don’t mind that so much. Not everyone will like my articles, but if I’ve been of some use to some of you, I’m very happy. I do find it a bit ironic that the people who seem to need the article the most are the ones who are least aware of it. :)

Regarding changing my list post style … don’t worry! I will always do lists! I just disguised it better in this post, but I’m not changing anything. I like to mix things up now and then, though, so don’t be shocked if I do something different once in awhile.

Thanks again, everyone! It’s fun to have a lively discussion going. Just be civil, and smile!

Daisy Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 21:05 pm

Some unhappiness is due to things outside our control like “clinically depressed or those with similar disorders, people who are starving or homeless, people who have undergone massive tragedies or abuse, or others in such circumstances.”

Yet I agree, a lot of unhappiness we create ourselves by trying to be perfect or keeping up with the Jones. A lot of us think that our life and our relationships should be one way and if it’s not, then that it’s not good.

If my dream car was a hybrid that is worth 23k, which I can’t afford now, yet I have a nice Camery that was cheap and gets me to point A to B just fine then no one should be unhappy about that. It could be a lot worse and some people would hate to have to take public transit and not be able to afford no car at all. Even if I had to settle for public transit, I wouldn’t be unhappy; less road rage for me.

I think you make a good point that a lot of things that we get depressed over is because of us.

Chris Austria Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 21:20 pm

One of the reason I come back to your site at least 2 or 3 times a day is because you readers are very insightful, even the naysayers.

It’s quite true that not everything you write will work on everyone. It’s enough for me that it works for you and this will serve as inspiration for me.

Bud Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 21:38 pm

Jodie

If this article made you “absolutely offended” you may soon need to see a therapist. It doesn’t sound like you were happy. I would think you have it better than some of your patients.
I personally think when your between clouds we are happy and when under clouds we are unhappy. I grew up very poor and in a very bad area in the inner city. There were happy and unhappy days just like my life know. And now I make a very good living and live in a safe community. I would stop reading article about possible ways of help a person feel better for a little while until you feel happy again.

San Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 22:10 pm

To Elmer, Susan, Marlene, etc.

Those of you who want depth and nuance probably shouldn’t be seeking it in or expecting it from a blog entry. The genre does not support it.

There’s a whole new area of current research interest: happiness psychology. You can find all the depth you want by accessing articles in academic and professional journals.

Interesting that someone called Leo’s blog a self-help blog. I’ve never thought of it that way. It seems to me Leo is just offering his thoughts about life from his perspective. I kind of feel like I’m at his house and each day he’s bringing out a plate with an appetizer on it and sharing the recipe. If you like the appetizer; take the recipe. If you don’t like the appetizer, don’t take it. It’s as simple as that. Or eat what you like and spit the rest out. It’s not that complicated.

Thanks, Leo, you always provide food for thought!

JoAnn - Journey Towards Goddessness Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 22:10 pm

Leo,
First of all I would like to say that I am so blessed to have come across your blog. I find your spirit so refreshing and authentic. Like many of your suscribers, you have motivated me towards simplicity, health, progress, financial freedom and now contentment.
I am a single mother of a beautiful, sassy, four-year old princess. One of my main goals is to set the example of the woman I would like her to be: strong, independment, kind-hearted, progressive, conscious and content. As you mentioned, not content in that she is complacent. But, content in that that she appreciates everyone and everything she has been blessed with. Nothing more, nothing less…
I have found that the days that I throw off my supermom cape and JUST enjoy my moments with her are more rewarding and benificial than overscheduling her with gymanstics and T-ball and errands. It is those moments that I am still and breath and enjoy her smile and her laughter that reminds me that it is the simple things in life that bring contement.

alex Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 22:40 pm

Nice photo ;)

Sarah Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 22:43 pm

I really enjoyed this article because I was the person who chose to be unhappy until last year. Up to Jan 2007 nothing bad had ever happened to me and I was miserable.

Last year everything around me fell apart. Circumstances that were beyond our control such as downsizing, cancer, car accidents, a fire, and massive debt from it all, plagued us. It was then that I realized I could be happy or I could sink so low I would never come back. We aren’t on the other side of it yet either. Still unemployed with three children and close to losing our home (not due to a bad loan), I think we as a family are the strongest and happiest we’ve ever been because we choose to be. Now I realize that I always had a choice. I choose to be happy and I am, no matter what happens tomorrow.

Rose Garden Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 22:44 pm

Leo, you’re a good discussion moderator as well as a talented writer… I just hope you haven’t forgotten to get back to your book writing :)

I am not a big fan of the popular culture happiness club… and in fact can find myself quite content with unhappiness at times! And some of my more gloomy moments generate some really good, deep stuff (like manure - good for growing things). I like going deep from time to time. The happiness club tells me I shouldn’t and then I get in the habit of fighting it off, and end up wallowing in a shallow mud puddle instead. Much better to go deep and resurface. Much like diving for the training brick in the deep end of the swimming pool when I was a kid. Nothing better than breaking surface, brick in hand, for a lung full of air. Good stuff.

On the other hand, I find lots of pleasures in the simple things - hearing the early birds singing outside my window before dawn, my dog stealing a dirty sock and running around the house tossing it in the air, the warm sun after a cool rainy day, my spider plant flowering and having “babies,” slurping up a ripe, juicy pear, a hot shower, sunset skies over the hills, trees and river near my home (apartment).

My life is currently void of things other people like to tell me are essential, and I’ve struggled with some of the issues Leo has discussed here, but I have a bit of Cicero in me - give me a garden and a library… (and health). I know that all things eventually change (except death and taxes), sometimes with effort and sometimes without. So, for now, I am content. Not stagnant, but content. I’m unconcerned with finding unabating happiness. What a relief!

Maura Says:

April 3rd, 2008, 22:50 pm

Just a note about relationships -

Good relationships are good. Not all are, and not all are meant to be. Some of the best relationships are those that aren’t anymore!

Those of you with a drive to fix the people you’re in relationships with of any type (or just other people in general), are often those of you that would benefit the most from refocusing your efforts on yourself. And I would be quite surprised if your relationships didn’t benefit from this as well. :)

iucca Says:

April 4th, 2008, 0:18 am

There were times in my life when i didn’t have food to eat. There were times in my life when i was kicked out from a small apartment , right on New Year’s Eve, and there were times when i couldn’t get out of the house because of my skin disease/ But i made it. How? I asked help from God, from people. I had to go on and to be happy that i am still given the chance to live and to see the beauty of a sunset or to hear somebody laugh. Complaining about how hard your life is won’t get you anywhere.

Goal Setting College Says:

April 4th, 2008, 3:53 am

Thanks Leo for the insightful article! Another observation I noticed with contentment is that when you’re focusing on the “haves” in your life, you’re literally setting your consciousness to a higher altitude. You start appreciating the little things you have. You begin to see the good in everyone.

What you dwells on expands. Soon, you’ll start to see more of the same into your life, continuing a very positive cycle of fulfillment and happiness.

Cheers,
Ellesse

Julian Says:

April 4th, 2008, 4:16 am

I’ve got a formula: H = C + D.

Happiness is Contentment plus Dissatisfaction.

In Spanish, F = C + I (Felicidad igual a Contento más Insatisfacción).

I found it 50 years ago (now, I’m 73). It works!

Eva Says:

April 4th, 2008, 7:07 am

This is a fantastic blog entry (as usual). I have been exploring the notion of happiness for months now (by reading numerous books and doing a tremendous amount of personal reflection). It seems there are an abundance of new books on the topic. I think most people (who aren’t suffering from a chemical imbalance) can retrain their minds and create contentment in their lives. And, I think your blog entry adds insight to those who want to begin to do so.

-Eva

http://www.evaisawriter.com

Herdi Says:

April 4th, 2008, 7:08 am

Life changing article!! Thank you

Happiness Says:

April 4th, 2008, 7:10 am

Kahlil Gibran says that there is a cup of joy inside of you but you cannot drink from it save [unless] you forget the past and renounce the future.

projectmanagement training in belgie Says:

April 4th, 2008, 9:08 am

Agree!

t Says:

April 4th, 2008, 9:39 am

Comment on depression & poverty:

A couple of commenters have made references to how “people who are poor don’t have time to get depressed” and how people who live in slums in India can’t afford a therapist and just get on with it, etc.

While I understand the motivation behind such points, I think it’s dangerous to romanticize poverty. Current research suggests that rates and manifestations of depression, like those of bipolar illness or schizophrenia, are surprisingly constant worldwide. For example, check out a recent new york times article about the current activities of an Indian physician who went to Africa to do research to support his ideas about how depression and mental illnesses as defined by Western cultures didn’t apply the same way to the third world… concluded just the opposite, and now devotes his life to improving mental health care in poor areas of India:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/03/11/health/11psych.html?scp=2&sq=india+depression&st=nyt

How these issues relate to depression is a difficult matter to handle. Fundamentally, I think the problem comes down to this: (1) what’s described here can help almost all people, even those with depression or serious mental illness; (2) for some people, however, it will not be enough, and telling them that it will is offensive; and yet, (3) on at least a superficial level, the more that you believe it will be enough, the more likely it is to help you. And, of course, part of telling yourself that it WILL work for you - and thus increasing its likelihood of making you feel better faster - is telling yourself that it works for everyone, even if this is fundamentally untrue and has the potential to be offensive.

randell Says:

April 4th, 2008, 11:16 am

Great article. Just perfect with in my situation right now.

Cynthia Says:

April 4th, 2008, 12:31 pm

So after I read this yesterday, I thought, boy this is a wake up call. I just need to be happy and not want something different or hope that something better will come along, just be content. I guess my day was filled with this same message. Last night I went to a meeting about dealing with difficult people. The talk touched upon being happy and how we all chose to be happy or unhappy. I think it was a huge message for me, because there are many times when I am negative and wondering when is this all going to end. So this morning, I woke up appreciating what I have and I’ve kept repeating to myself the things I am grateful for and it’s help keep me calm and collective. Thanks for the great post and the reminder that it’s up to us if we are happy.

Abby Joffre Says:

April 4th, 2008, 12:49 pm

Thank you so much for this. I have been going through a rough time with classes and future plans. I have really lost myself in the mix of it and I’m currently trying to return to contentment. This really helped me today. Thanks again! :)

Ralph Says:

April 4th, 2008, 13:04 pm

the essence of any true spiritual teaching or practice is to find peace and contentment in every moment, if the teaching does not bring us to this, it is of little value, thank you for the great post…

wwdoc Says:

April 4th, 2008, 13:31 pm

This is totally cheesy, but for some reason, if I meditate on it - it motivates me:

A car moves on the gas that’s in the tank.

I.e. the power you seek is inside of you. There is nothing you need that don’t already have.

kingmanic Says:

April 4th, 2008, 14:49 pm

Happiness is where your expectations intersect with your reality. Happiness is a frame of mind and isn’t something that happens because you are rich, famous, or powerful. In fact people who are rich, famous, or powerful aren’t often very happy because their expectations drive them to get more money, fame, or power and the lack of those things eats at them.

Of course it seem unhappy people tend to make amazing things (Van Gough, Alan Turing, Edgar Alan Poe, Trent Reznor, Kurt Cobain, HP Lovecraft, Abraham Lincoln, Billy Corgan, Tennessee Williams, Winston Churchill etc…)

dagobert renouf Says:

April 4th, 2008, 17:30 pm

This is philosophy for the masses, i love it because i actually can understand it :-D.

This is a dope post, you’re an awesome writer dude.

rekindled Says:

April 5th, 2008, 11:04 am

Thanks for a thought-provoking post Leo. As someone who has suffered from periodic episodes depression I definitely agree that happiness and contentment are affected by your attitude.

As an eco-geek there are also environmental benefits to contentment, as buying less stuff obviously means that fewer resources are consumed and less waste is created. I joined the compact and stopped shopping for environmental reasons but have ended up with a much simpler and more contented life because of it.

Yvarra Says:

April 5th, 2008, 11:16 am

I was a mess since 1991, experiencing both major and dysthymic depression that led to a life of anhedonia, i.e., I merely floated in the realm of sixty four shades of gray. In 2006 I sought help. From the pits, I made a choice to live [!] and be happy.

Fortunately, I was offered to an inpatient treatment in and with a community where trust and safety became a necessary mileu of healing.

Early on I learned that medication and therapy go hand in hand. One cannot take positive effect without the other. While the psychiatrist and I were struggling in finding the right “concoction” of medication, my psychiatrist was also in tandem with my therapist. Both were on top of other therapists that were involved in the process of healing - from art therapy to psycho drama, behavior log to group therapy, community living to attending other activities such as AA, EA (Emotions Anonymous), Codependent Anonymous, SAA (Sexual Addiction Anonymous), SCA (Sexually Compulsive Anonymous), OA (Over-eating Anonymous), GA (Gambling Anonymous) among others.

These and every activity constantly flashed at my face this truth: DENIAL and GRAND EXPECTATIONS are the keys to my unhappiness. Thus, a NEW pattern of thinking and behavior must break the old pattern of thinking and behavior that “molded” me in the vicissitudes of time and multisided experiences.

It was a painful process to unlearn unhealthy ways of living, ranging from habits of eating, lack of sleep or physical exercise, meditation, midfulness and harriedness. Healing was a process to short circuit old patterns and try, experiment, and even fail in new habits and behavior. The process was not about perfection, it was about progress. The pursuit to health and happiness was and is always a choice of baby steps, one day at a time.

Hence, inspired by the tenets of AA, I need to constantly remind myself with the following:

1. Just for today, I will seek to live the day positively without wishing to solve the problems of my life all at once.

2. Just for today, I will take the greatest care of my appearance: I will dress modestly; I will not raise my voice; I will be courteous in my behavior; I will not criticize anyone; I will not claim to improve or to discipline anyone except myself.

3. Just for today, I will be happy in the certainty that I was created to be happy, not only in the other world but also in this one.

4. Just for today, I will adapt to circumstances, without requiring all circumstances to be adapted to my own wishes.

5. Just for today, I will devote 10 minutes of my time to some good reading, remembering that just as food is necessary to the life of the body, so good reading is necessary to the life of the soul.

6. Just for today, I will do one good deed and not tell anyone about it.

7. Just for today, I will do at least one thing I do not like doing; and if my feelings are hurt, I will make sure that no one notices.

8. Just for today, I will make a plan for myself: I may not follow it to the letter, but I will make it. And I will be on guard against two evils: hastiness and indecision.

9. Just for today, I will firmly believe, despite appearances, that the good Providence of God cares for me as no one else who exists in this world.

10. Just for today, I will have no fears. In particular, I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe in goodness. Indeed, for 12 hours I can certainly do what might cause me consternation were I to believe I had to do it all my life.

I hope to live by these and find happiness even by just choosing one of the above to be happy, “just for today.”

Jesse Says:

April 5th, 2008, 12:20 pm

Great blog :)

I’ve learned that one can partially attain happiness and contentment by conquering the dreamworld. Dreams are often clues of mental roadblocks. By examining your life and dreams you can find the roadblocks, which you can then tear down.

While growing up, I had a particular dream about once a week for, perhaps, ten years. I was driving my father’s Blazer and I’d lose traction, careening off a cliff edge. Inside the blazer, spinning as it’s falling, it appeared as if the ocean and sky were rolling about me. After 15 seconds or so, I plunged into the ocean. The closed windows created a vacuum seal so I could not open the doors or windows to swim to safety. I slowly sank to the ocean bottom as water slowly rised inside the Blazer. I screamed for help but nobody could hear me. I drowned. The dream was terrifying.

After so many years of having the dream, I finally talked to my sister about it. My dream reminded her of an event that happened when we were both young, which she remembered but I didn’t. I was sitting in my backseat of my father’s Blazer with my father and sister in the front, and they got out the Blazer and I stayed inside. My father forgot to put it in park, so the blazer began rolling backwards through our backyard toward a ditch (which was part of Daniel Boone trail). My sister jumped into the Blazer and slammed on the brakes before the Blazer went into the ditch. A month or so later my father had the ditch filled.

That small incident caused a small dream. Eventually, I forgot why I was having the dream—I simply tolerated it. I lost the connection between the dream and reality. The unanchored dream intensified and intensified until I was on an ocean bottom.

Once I found the connection between dream and reality, I knew what mental roadblock I needed to tear down to get rid of the dream. In fact, the roadblock was so small—because the incident was so small—that merely discovering the roadblock and its silliness was enough to remove it.

Feeling the great discontentment in personal security caused the dream. Growing up, I became more content but I didn’t conquer the dream so it grew at the same pace as my contentment. The mental roadblock that served as the dream’s foundation, unlike the dream itself, did not intensify. The dreamworld was a house of cards and my mental roadblock was the table. Once I discovered the mental roadblock, I realized it was silly. That shattered the table and the house of cards collapsed to the floor. I destroyed that dreamworld and never had the dream again.

Learning how to expel bad dreams was a life-lesson I shall not forget. Bad dreams can come in good disguises though. “Good” dreams are usually bad dreams. Mental roadblocks also serve as their foundations. Think about it. Your body needs sleep so your mind can rest but your mind isn’t resting when it’s dreaming. When sleep and rest are not the same, there’s a problem.

One “good” dream I had involved a beautiful young woman. I’ll say no more, the contents of the dream should be clear by now. I thought, “Why do I desire her?” Was there something intrinsically awesome about her? She was beautiful but I have no such desire for many other beautiful young women. Was it her personality? No, I didn’t know her name and I wouldn’t find her personality attractive in real life. Then, I realized the dream was about me, not her. In reality, I felt unconfident. My mind was trying to compensate for it in the dream. I found the mental roadblock—my feeling discontent with what I could offer to someone of the opposite sex—and began chipping it away. Some of the roadblock is still there but I have removed most of it. As a result, I don’t have such “good,” compensating dreams as often.

The moral of my story? If you examine your dreams, you know where to improve. When you improve, you expel your dreams. When you expel your dreams, your mind rests when you sleep. When rested, you do not feel as grumpy. When you feel less grumpy, you find it easier to be content. When you’re more easily contented, you’ll be happier.

Lilly D Says:

April 5th, 2008, 16:06 pm

Great post, Leo.

My sister has lived in Uganda for almost two years. She knows a thirteen-yr-old girl who was raped on her way home from school, got pregnant, and when her family demanded she abort she refused. Her family kicked her out, and some missionary eventually found her sitting in the marketplace with a festering c-section wound and a premature baby.

This is pretty much the state of the whole country. There’s a war in the north, tb, aids, malaria, filth, ignorance, and abject poverty everywhere. EVERYONE has some relative(s) who have been raped, murdered, killed by a disease, etc. Often this happened in front of their eyes. Their babies die of dysentary because they can’t afford an aluminum cooking pot to sterilize their water.

My sister and my dad says they are some of the happiest, most cheerful people they have ever met.

Go figure.

There’s a big difference between working to recognize what makes you sad so that you can either accept or fix it, and using bad circumstances as an excuse to be miserable.

Jonathan from JonathanMead.com Says:

April 5th, 2008, 16:32 pm

This is a great article. It’s important to remember to be content with what we have and be grateful for the blessings in our life.

Kelly@SHE-POWER Says:

April 5th, 2008, 22:16 pm

I agree 100% with this post and I think people who have a problem with the whole “Happiness is a choice” concept are missing a crucial part of where happiness and contentment lies. In the present.

I have spent almost a year in Central American countries where the majority of people live in third world conditions and many of these people are happy on a day to day level. The barefoot kids I played soccer with on the beach were just as happy in that moment as any Western kid in Nikes. The Guatemalen woman with 5 kids who invited me to come stay in her two room dirt floor shack actually felt sorry for ME because I was 27 and childless.

Does this mean they don’t have fears or major problems? No. Everybody has problems and some people’s are horrendous and inhuman, but that doesn’t mean they’re never happy.

Happiness as a feeling of elation or as a presiding feeling of gratitude and contentment lies within a single moment in your life. Life is made up of moments, and while many may contain fear, others can contain great joy. Which moments you choose to focus on and remember will determine how happy you are.

The Thais are amazingly smiling, happy people and the majority of them have a lot less than what the readers of this blog do. Nicaraguans are some of the most gracious and content people I have ever met in my life and they have suffered unbelievably. What I think is every day you’re alive, there is an opportunity to be grateful for something, even if it’s just the air you breathe. Look for those blessings and focus on them and not on what’s going wrong. It’s very hard to feel depressed when you’re feeling grateful.

Do this enough and your moments of contentment will multiply until one day you might just say, “Things could be better. I want them to be better. But that doesn’t mean I can’t feel happy for what I have today.”

I agree with Clay, it’s nice to move away from a list post, Leo. Thanks for the good read.

Kelly

Megan McCarthy Says:

April 6th, 2008, 10:55 am

I love this post Leo - Sometimes it is great to read ‘feel-good’ posts to help take one out of our own struggles - to remind one that we can be happy if we are spiralling into negativity.

‘Stop and Smell the Roses’ moments is what I call them - and we all need them, to be reminded.

But this is clearly a controversial topic. I have been ‘guilty’ of stating on my squidoo lens and ’self help blog’- that we can ‘just’ choose to be happy, despite our circumstances.

But I agree with some people here - it is not as clear-cut as this.There are people lacking, without, born with depression, chemical depressions, illnesses, countries in war/famine, the list goes on.

Many of us speak about choice and, for example, the ‘law of attraction’, from a first world country perspective - by people who already have much to be appreciative of (although even then, not everyone in first-world countries are in privileged circumstances either!).

this is truly a complex subject. and ‘new-age, pop-style’ literature, often by lay-people doesn’t always help, when specialist (and sufferers) see the devastating effects that illness (physical/mental), or tragedy can truly have. The effects it can have on our so-called ‘choices’. The ’serenity prayer’ is very impt in this respect - if we are aware enough of it.

Life is a ‘perception’. All of our perceptions are different. As I have said on my blog - ‘life is a perception not a fact, it is merely a reflection of ourselves in a mirror looking back’ And this perception is influenced by a multitude of factors.

I was born with low-grade depression. Thus, I find it hard at times to be happy. I have an incurable illness and nearly died, and may die, and at times, when I feel really sick and from chemotherapy - I find it hard to be happy.

Despite all my knowledge - my psychology background (yes, I’m not all ‘pop-style self help’!) - and doing all the affirmations, the gratitudes, if I am in pain, it is extremely hard to be happy.

But I do know that fundamentally, there is always a choice involved. People can be content - perhaps not happy, but find some peace and accept circumstances and be grateful, DESPITE circumstances.

Physical needs/lacks are the biggie. Maslow’s “Hierarchy of Needs” is another controversial and relevant issue. To be happy - we also perhaps need to be self-aware. To want to change and grow, and not to just ’satisfice’ with the life we have.

But on Maslow’s hierarchy, this self-awareness is reached AFTER our physical needs are met (food, water, shelter, etc). Yet, as already shown - eg. Ghandi - we do not always need these things to find peace and contentment. The soldiers confined in war camps found inner peace (some) - those who did - survived. No-one could take away their own inner thoughts.

It is about how we ‘think’. And how we ‘think’ is a choice of course. But how we ‘think’ is influenced by a multitude of factors, some of which are out of our control.

I would love to write much about this - I think this topic really does need to be addressed properly, from all view-points, from the specialists, the lay-people, and from different perspectives/geographical locations, status, etc.

I have found myself, sometimes, having my basic ‘needs’ met - thus, self-aware enough to want to grow and make my life the best that it can be - lying in the bath at nights, sleeping in there(!) because of pain, agonizing pain. …..

… listening to self help audios. Picture an embarrassing one! A youngish woman (me), listening to another woman saying on a podcast - ‘YOU ‘CAN’ BE HAPPY RIGHT NOW IF YOU ‘CHOOSE’ TO’ - it is your ‘responsibility - and ‘me’ - screaming out, and thumping the side of the bath tub - ‘I AM HAPPY, I AM HAPPY, I AM HAPPY RIGHT NOW’ and forcing a smile on her face.

Was I happy? hmmmmm. Perhaps not at that particular moment, until I burst out laughing at the sheer picture of how this must have looked! I wrote about it on my blog I think. A ridiculous picture.

I was trying to ‘choose’ to be happy, but the pain was just too much. But at least it was distracting, for that particular moment.

Yes, we can ‘choose’ to be happy… but this choice does not always work. We will ALL, always have our down days too. It is also a ‘time-perspective’ then. Our lives fluctuate.

And, our life-circumstances, or situations change. Importantly, our life-’situations’ are not ‘us’, they are not our ‘lives’. “The Power of Now” is a great book to read in this respect. Highly recommend it, as it changed and inspired my life.

LIVE in the NOW, because this is ALL there is. Time is a human construct, past and future. Don’t wait for a future and miss out on the now. Don’t ‘live in the past, and miss the now.

Try to make a choice “NOW” about how you want to feel. And do the best that you can, with what you have, at this moment.

I have a strong belief that ‘everything is relative’ and that everything must be put into its context. We can be happy and content, in accordance with our life situation - our life situation is all that we know - where we were born, what country, our culture, our parents, friends, health, etc.

A tragedy to one person who has perhaps led a privileged life, may be insignificant to another person in a worse situation. Yet the ‘privileged’ person’s suffering may feel no lesser or greater to them, than the person who’s tragedy is in fact, actually greater (eg starvation, death, loneliness).

It is all ‘relative’ and contextual.

Sometimes, I have even been envious (not in a bad way) of some people in countries who are struck with famine, who struggle to survive.

Not envious of their situations of course. But because some people in these circumstances (different cultures), have strong family values - for those who actually do have families.

For those that do - who struggle to survive - many can find some contentment in their love for each other. Loving and support are so very important. Never take this for granted. Please.

Despite my relative ‘luxury’ situation (I am not rich in 1st world standards) relative to many - I am alone. My family does not have strong family ties, or support network.

I am alone, often. I am struggling to survive often, - I have been for most of my life since I became homeless at 16 - and since I fought to regain a life and education with a PhD

I had one period of true happiness and peace, and sense of safety and security, with my one-time and only, first longish term partner (whom I lost to another woman).

My life perspective changed - all of life was suddenly wonderful. I achieved highly at everything I did. Won university medals. Studied martial arts. Gave up smoking. Life was WONDERFUL. and I spread this happiness because it was contagious.

I had not made an ‘active choice’ then to be happy - it was life circumstances. Although, yes, I had made a choice to be with that wonderful person, Mark . But it was mainly ‘circumstances’. (And I can choose to ‘relive’ that time, re-enter that past, and re-experience some of that happiness too).

:-)

Now, I have to make the active choice to be happy, and because of my illness and complications, I may never have another partner like this again - I will certainly never be able to have childen (although maybe one day, if I go into remission, I can adopt - maybe I will be lucky enough to meet someone understanding enough - not to ‘rescue’ me, but true love and sharing)

- life can change in an instant and I cannot pretend to know what ‘will’ happen based on past and current circumstances. Anything could happen.

I digress. I am fortunate enough to be able to make a choice about how I ‘respond’ to events, rather than to ‘react’. Although I am not perfect at this!!

But the illness, the pain, the loneliness - especially the illness, gets in the way. Sometimes, we even ‘choose’ to live in such unhappiness, because it is what we ‘know’. As has been said - ‘Better the ‘devil you know than the one you don”t.

Unhappiness often stems from fear of change and uncertainty. So we choose to be where we are, rather than move out of our comfort zones. And we often don’t realize this.

For those of us who are fortunate enough to reach this realization - we can choose to fight, to take control of our lives, to make things better, to move out of our comfort zones - even if only in our own minds and thoughts, because ‘circumstances predicate, or rather, inhibit a ‘natural happiness’ - if that makes sense(!).

I can choose to accept the pain - according to the book ‘the power of now’ - to truly live in the moment and feel it, acknowledge it. I may not be happy, but at least I can find some sort of peace with it.

One day, I will be happy again, because of my ‘life-circumstances’ and not simply by making a choice.

For now - I look towards my new goals and stay excited. I try to overcome my pain and focus on my dreams. I am happiest when on my computer. Maybe I am not progressing as fast as I would like - hence, learning all about gtd and reading zenhabits… but at least I can, and am fortunate enough to choose to find that happiness. Choose my thought processes. It doesn’t always work. But the choice is there to work towards.

To at least know that I am self-aware enough, in having this choice. I can be ‘generally’ happy, and still have the ‘down’ days.

There are just too many issues involved to make a simple statement that ‘we can all choose to be happy. that we can decide to be happy.

It is not ‘black and white.

But overall, our thinking processes, our thoughts, have a major impact - so yes, you are correct in this Leo.

many of us also don’t realise that there are lots of people out there who are not self-aware, who are not looking for change. they just accept what is and go with the flow of life even if it hurts.

many of us are lucky - many of us here, with the ability to read leo’s post. Remember the unfortunate people who do not have the choices that we have. But also know that some of them are actually happier than many of us, despite their circumstances.

It is too hard to speak about this without ‘over-generalizing’ statements. There are too many variables.

But if we ARE in a position where our needs are met, where we can be grateful, where we do have our health - then MAKE that choice. Read all that you can. Learn as much as you can.

If you find yourself thinking negatively - STOP the thought processes. Find ways of changing that negative energy and transform it into more postive energy.

Energy is energy. Whether it be negative or positive. It is actually neutral. Many of us are lucky to see this. Why not choose the way the energy goes - we have to use it anyway!

Everyone - be aware of your thinking processes - get to know who you really are, your true selves. Be grateful for what you do have, myself included.

And remember that ‘everything is relative’.

I choose to be as happy as I can under the circumstances, but sometimes I forget, and sometimes it is because of issues beyond my control such as the illness/chemo, etc.

I will smile for you though - because I want to, as thanks - and because simple ‘physical’ changes and actions can change our internal chemistry - I also wrote about this on one of my earliest posts on my blog - it is harder to feel unhappy, when a smile is on the face, when we walk fast, stand straight and tall - try ‘pretending’ to be happy - and perhaps, just maybe, your ‘body’ will react, and your feelings/thoughts will change accordingly! But again, it depends on our life circumstances and context.

Life ‘ain’t simple!

:-)

Thanks Leo and all, for this discussion - very thought-provoking indeed.

Megan McCarthy, PhD (Meg)
Adelaide, South Australia

mustafap Says:

April 6th, 2008, 17:13 pm

What an interesting “shower o’ muck” this post brought out! I have personal experience of depression (severe SAD) and have in the past tried using alcohol to try to find my own chemical route out of the depression. As it happens I also have many years experience working with people to improve their mental health as a therapist.

It always amuses me that people are so very quick to say positive thinking is trite and improves nothing etc etc and then go on to show by their own determined adherence to negative thinking just how deeply our choice of thinking style affects our mood, outlook and happiness.

There is a chemical element to depression, true. But our brain chemistry is affected hour by hour out by factors such as diet, exercise, our choices to smoke, drink, take drugs both legal and illegal, sunlight, even temperature, our sleep routines etc etc.

In Twelve Step Recovery people often recite the Serenity Prayer “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference” If there was ever a simple recipe for some degree of contentment and happiness, it’s all in there.

We don’t choose our birth, we don’t choose all our life circumstances, the weather, how tall we are or the colour of our eyes/skin. We DO choose what we do with ourselves, and what our attitude to our circumstances is. That’s where the “choice” of happiness comes in. Some pain and some setbacks are a part of every single person’s life, that is inevitable. Some people seem to kopp for a greater than usual share of hardships. However, how we choose to respond, and steer our attention, is always a choice. Even small children know and understand that.

Equally, two people given what seem like almost identical deals in life (”good” or “bad”) will often make incredibly different outcomes from their raw resources.

A choice too many people are content to make is to cast themselves as a victim in some huge great sob-story of their own making. It’s always someone else’s fault in their eyes. “The devil made me do it” is quite a good catchall for indecision and laziness. Disgruntled people who feel they are entitled to a state of happiness without making a single effort, physically or mentally, to achieve it, are very likely to prove themselves right — and probably unhappy — all at the same time. It isn’t about what you’ve got; it’s all about what you choose to do with and about it.

Using what little bit of effort you are prepared to make just to criticize others who are doing a better job of life is pretty certain to keep you both unhappy and probably lonely too. We can all pick out the flaws, quote the hard examples, bemoan injustice and inequality. That’s a total no-brainer. Being prepared to think of positive possibilities or small changes, small steps towards improvement takes effort but is always rewarded in the happiness stakes.

As for being “happy, happy happy” the whole time that’s usually to do with being stoned, drunk or otherwise out of line with reality. The mature human is one who can accept reality and still make positive steps for good as part of their disciplined response. You can’t buy self-esteem in Walmart or from amazon. To raise your self-esteem you have to do estimable things. Happiness is always a by-product of right thinking and right action, of seeing the crap on the path but working out a way round or over it.

I never yet knew a person who can make themselves happier by always trying to drag everyone else down to their level of negativity.

That’s how it lseems to me. I’m not speaking for anyone else; I’m not qualified to do that, and I never have been.

Liara Covert Says:

April 6th, 2008, 20:11 pm

To become content with who you are means you evolve to realize that what you assumed mattered in life probably doesn’t. The truth is always felt deeply within yourself. We sense it as we become more discerning. You don’t have to put this into words. You just know when it comes.

Megan McCarthy Says:

April 6th, 2008, 20:56 pm

i wanted to also say this…. it helps me sometimes …

sometimes, when feeling overwhelmed, down, ill and just can’t see hope (despite my ‘logical mind’ saying that there is hope) …..

- i ask myself:

“How important is it really?” (ie. whatever my problem/issue)

In the bigger context - how important is it.

It may seem depressing, but it works for me…

WE ALL DIE.

Life is precious and too short.

yes, I will try to make the most of my life that I can.

We are not immortal.

And thank you “ROSE GARDEN” - the simple things in life bring me great joy and your words brought this back home to me.

- being knocked over by waves and a tumble in the cool blue sea

- the roaring wind of a storm while wrapped up warm in bed

- the smile of my content kitty cat while she waits for her dinner, or stretches out on my bed and paws at the air

- waking from a half-doze with a smile on the face, for no reason at all

- the smell and softness of clean linen as it brushes against your skin, when you bring it to your face and smell the freshness

- the taste of a beautiful meal cooked by someone else

- the times of relief between pain

- singing for joy at the top of one’s lungs and completely out of tune

- dancing to music in front of the mirror

- reading a good book (and looking forward to getting my eyesight back after eye surgery this month - so I can read again properly!!) …. going into an imaginary world and becoming anyone I want to be

- going into the ‘zone’ once started on a project, where time seems to fly

- the beauty of spring bulbs as they emerge, knowing that I planted their seeds

- looking out over green pastures in the countryside

- growing up in the country and swimming in the dams as the yabbies snap at your toes

- painting boiled eggs for easter

- just imagining all the things and projects one would like to do, as if already doing them

- composing a piece of music on the piano, from the heart, that just seems to flow

- feeling the joy of achieving a task put off because of fear

- a clear, uncluttered desk or space

- the joys of knowing when people have been thinking of you, with little surprises, such as a teddy-bear in hospital with ‘i love you’ on it, from a long-lost father

- the knowledge that there is no-one out there like me and that i have the right to be ‘me’, not as someone expects me to be - becoming free of expectations from others

- freeing and lowering my expectations of others - knowing now that i don’t have the right to expect certain behaviors from others - this will only lead to disappointment. everyone’s expectations are different. We often ‘assume’ too much.

- the knowledge that ‘I’ can ‘rescue’ me to some degree. The knowledge that I don’t have to wait for someone else to ‘rescue’ me, because it won’t happen, although they can help.

- the joys of ‘venting’ and ‘whining’ and then getting over it - out of my system!

- the ability and luxury to feel sorry for myself - and then pick myself up again.

- the knowledge that I have the power to do this to the best of my ability and to accept what I cannot change.

- the power to be FREE.

- being free to choose and being free to ‘not’ choose!

being FREE!
life has a beginning and an end (in this journey anyway)

as Leo also states - it is the ‘process’, the journey that is important.
Not a ‘destination’ per se.

There will always be goals achieved and destinations.

It is the journey of life.

So put everything into context!

- my illness has given me a beautiful gift - a new awareness.

Meg

Megan McCarthy Says:

April 6th, 2008, 21:15 pm

oh just one last thing!….
- in response to
@ Mustafap

I felt a little insulted by some of your post after having taking some time to read everyone’s posts, to understand and then to write my own little ‘bit’ …

You stated:

…”What an interesting “shower o’ muck” this post brought out! I have personal experience of depression (severe SAD) and have in the past tried using alcohol to try to find my own chemical route out of the depression…..

….Using what little bit of effort you are prepared to make just to criticize others who are doing a better job of life is pretty certain to keep you both unhappy and probably lonely too. We can all pick out the flaws, quote the hard examples, bemoan injustice and inequality. That’s a total no-brainer. Being prepared to think of positive possibilities or small changes, small steps towards improvement takes effort but is always rewarded in the happiness stakes.”

- i agree with some of what you say of course - but you are contradicting yourself by criticizing.

You are contradicting yourself by bringing our part of your own ‘hard-luck’ story (and I do emphasise with your story - please don’t misunderstand me)!

You are critizing others for critizing! And then stating ….

..”I never yet knew a person who can make themselves happier by always trying to drag everyone else down to their level of negativity.”

Negativity? You comment seemed a little negative. And now mine does too.

Just leave this post as it is:

A “STOP AND SMELL THE ROSES” MOMENT. A ‘feel good’ time. A guide, a reminder. Yes, it is all more complex - but all these complexities can hardly be addressed in one blog post!

Just enjoy and relax a little - and now I will go and take my own advice - but I did value reading your input :-)
It just touched a sore spot in me for some reason.

Let’s all just stop and smell the roses within the context of our ‘own’ lives. Our lives. Not others’. Ours.

Extract what we can from what we read - we have the choice to accept, or not to accept what we read. We have the right to respond. But let’s not criticize other’s who have poured out their hearts in some of their comments. It can be hurtful.

Smile and breathe - ahhhhhhh :-)

;-D

Evan Says:

April 7th, 2008, 2:56 am

Leo, you are my hero. It’s so hard to be content in any situation because us as humans have this craving for more and more. A friend of mine lives by a certain rule - “There’s always room for more improvement.” Personally, I think its a great rule, but it shows that he will never be content, with anything in his life. So I will try to learn to be more content with my life, and learn to live with what i have.

Max Says:

April 7th, 2008, 5:44 am

Thank you very much for all your articles. Especially for the relationship-thing in this article.
I can see parts of myself in a lot of your descriptions of how you were, you give me much inspiration on what’s worth to set as a goal.
Thanks.

Dot Says:

April 7th, 2008, 9:15 am

@Chris: I was irritated by your comment that one’s birth does not dictate one’s serotonin (or melatonin - a precursor to serotonin) levels. In fact, that’s exactly what happens. Medications can change that situation somewhat, and sometimes permanently change it, but sometimes not. There is no easy cure, and changing your attitude does not change chemical depression.

In my case, after 20 years on antidepressants, my serotonin deficiency is just as bad as it was on day one. I know this because I had to taper off my medication for a while. Therapy can help you cope and improve your optimism, but the deficiency still exists.

All the antidepressants have side-effects, some awful and some bearable. Faced with a decision between giving up your sex life or giving up your depression, which would you choose? This is a decision faced by almost everyone on antidepressants. Also, since it’s impossible to get an exact balance using a medication, would you choose to be slightly depressed all the time or slightly like a zombie all the time? There are many more such decisions involved with these drugs.

Joy Says:

April 7th, 2008, 12:48 pm

This is the first entry I’ve read (I saw a link elsewhere, Mental_Floss maybe?). You have stated what I’ve been trying to express for years. Several of the quotes, and those noted in comments, have been copied and pasted to my quote page.

I think an important thing for people to understand (and what some are missing) is that being content and happy is not going to look the same nor occur in the same situation for everyone.

My life has been an amazing mix of good and bad. My family and home life were amazing. I’ve also experienced rape and abuse at the hands of “friends”. I’ve been seemingly (in my sanitized world) surrounded by death. I’m lucky if a year has gone by without losing a friend or family member or if only one is lost each year. I deal daily with a chronic illness that causes a high number (I believe I was quoted 95%) of sufferers to fall into depression. I’ve had to give up many activities that had been a source of pleasure during other hard times.

People are constantly amazed at how happy and content I am with my life. Sure, I would probably be happier if I had not experienced quite as many deaths. I would have been happier had I not seen my mother struggle to keep us afloat when she suddenly found herself single. But, in the circumstances I have found myself in, I’ve been the happiest and most content I can be under those circumstances.

It’s not a matter of comparing who has the harder life. It’s striving to be the happiest and most content in the actual circumstance you find yourself in.

And no, my name is not a joke. My family must have somehow known that I would be this way my entire life when they named me. :-)

Travis Says:

April 7th, 2008, 13:33 pm

@mustafap: “A choice too many people are content to make is to cast themselves as a victim in some huge great sob-story of their own making”

That hits the nail on the head for me. People are often content with telling a negative tale. They have found, and are expressing, their contentment. They just don’t see how they are making that choice, and how much power they have in the situation.

I am reminded of a passage from the Principia Discordia (the parts in all caps are Eris, Goddess of Discord) -
“O! Eris! Blessed Mother of Man! Queen of Chaos! Daughter of Discord! Concubine of Confusion! O! Exquisite Lady, I beseech You to lift a heavy burden from my heart!”

WHAT BOTHERS YOU, MAL? YOU DON’T SOUND WELL.

“I am filled with fear and tormented with terrible visions of pain. Everywhere people are hurting one another, the planet is rampant with injustices, whole societies plunder groups of their own people, mothers imprison sons, children perish while brothers war. O, woe.”

WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH THAT, IF IT IS WHAT YOU WANT TO DO?

“But nobody wants it! Everybody hates it.”

OH. WELL, THEN STOP.”

zoojon Says:

April 7th, 2008, 17:11 pm

Much needed insight after the day I just had! Thanks for getting me back on track.

Megan McCarthy Says:

April 7th, 2008, 18:45 pm

Despite someone stating that people are ‘content’ talking about their ‘hard-luck’ stories - I view this another way. Yes, we can be ‘content’ staying in a ‘victim’ role because it is what we know.

But for those who struggle above the tragedies in life, which we ALL experience - and still strive towards happiness - (and even though we talk about our ’situations’.) …

I commend you all for your bravery, your courage and your will to fight and carry on in life.

I also find it amazing that there are posts like Leo’s article all around the web - there are 1000s of self help, happiness-type blogs out there, yet rarely do they receive such a reaction as I have found here.

why?
is it perhaps because there are so many subscribers here and Leo has ventured into an area which is not the main theme of his blog.

It was a simple, great post - WOW what a discussion. Almost needs to be a forum discussion here!

tpsychnurse Says:

April 7th, 2008, 19:06 pm

Have to disagree w/Jodie’s theory that contentment is only possible for those on the upper rungs of Maslow’s Hierarchy. While I absolutely agree that struggling with the most basic necessities can be the source of great angst, I can also attest that “moments of contentment” are available for those who can stop..if only just for a moment…and behold what is right in the world. Perhaps a glimpse of Nature, the rocking of a baby, beautiful music, a memory that comforts,etc. While I would consider myself to be contented, contentment often feels transitory.
And, mercifully..it does not seem to be dependent on things going well in outer circumstances.

Michael Nelson Says:

April 8th, 2008, 8:22 am

To address the controversy surrounding the issue of the choice of happiness, I’d like to describe a belief that Stephen Covey describes in his book The 8th Habit. Basically, there is a space of choice between a stimulus and our response. That is:

(stimulus) -> (choice) -> (response)

He goes on to say that the size of this space is dependent on factors such as one’s genetic and environmental factors. However, the space still exists (although it may be minuscule and hard to notice).

To this I would like to add my personal belief. “Be content, yet never satisfied.” Being content engenders happiness and simplicity of life. Dissatisfaction yields a need to grow and set goals (something well appreciated in this community).

garry Says:

April 10th, 2008, 20:43 pm

It seems like I have a long way to go until I can find contentment, but there is a lot of good advice hear that will help me get on the path to achieving it. Hopeflly one day I will have a garden and a library……..

ogee Says:

April 11th, 2008, 3:04 am

for me its good to remember always that “we are all one body with different members”.

randomguru Says:

April 13th, 2008, 2:01 am

great article… and i’ve studied a lot of buddhist teachings to appreciate what i have and what i am blessed with.

i have always looked on the positive side of life, but recently i had become a caregiver for a family member who is a terminally ill cancer patient. this person needed around the clock care, and my schedule was such that i could take care of this person, be flexible with my work day, and would have certain times when i would be relieved by another family member.

let me tell you, being a hospice caregiver has been the most challenging responsibility of my life. and it’s very hard to take care of someone who can’t take care of himself… simple tasks like taking a bath, or brushing your teeth, or going to the bathroom. i found that i had to take care of two people, but found i was neglecting myself.

it was very hard to feel contentment. i couldn’t just will myself to be content. so the lesson i learned is that “life is suffering” like the buddha said… and somehow, one has to find that “middle path” in order to survive….

Ryan McLean Says:

April 27th, 2008, 18:27 pm

I know I want to start becoming more content from now on and I think as I do it will reflect in better work and better content on my blog

Rachel Says:

May 3rd, 2008, 2:06 am

I really loved what you wrote.
I work with very frail elderly people, often in palliative situations. People who have lost everything; their homes, their partners, their friends. And again and again I have noticed that attitude impacts on their day to day happiness. I have worked with people who live through constant pain, and yet do it with dignity through their attitude of counting their blessings. They find joy in the simple things; a hug, a nice cuppa, the fresh air on their face in the garden. Yet they choose to feel happy and content about who they are and still feel positive about their lives. I have also, seen the other side of this of course. It seems to me that attitude is a choice even when the outlook could be seen to be grim. Maybe it is in hard times that attitude is indeed really important.
Great words Leo. You sound like an amazing spirit, and from what I have seen so far this is a wonderful site. Well done.
And a big thumbs up to books and gardens! : )

Mohammed Says:

May 3rd, 2008, 6:14 am

I really liked this article, I had been in this mode many times, and also now, but after I read this article, I really feel better, and I’ll try to remember all these notes.
I even want to say that I’ve had bad situation for nearly 3 years after the the war in our country (Iraq), and after all I have been through, I still want to live good live and happy one, I like t spend more time with my family, I want to work, I want to play computer games and watch movies.
I’ve cried many times, but I still want to be happy.
again, I want to say thank you for this article.

Happy Quiz Says:

May 5th, 2008, 17:27 pm

I stay as cheerful as possible and live my life thankful to exist. Many of your points are my daily actions

Christopher Monza Says:

May 8th, 2008, 19:08 pm

I like what Mohammed and others say. While people can’t always be happy, how they view their circumstance is a choice. Victor Frankel who was a Jewish psychiatrist in a Nazi concentration camp wrote a great book on the topic called “Man’s Search For Meaning”. It’s probbly the most important book I ever read. All around him his family is dying and he believed it was how he lived with his circumstances that enabled him to survive.

CJ Says:

May 18th, 2008, 18:32 pm

Great article. We all grow up being told to be grateful for our education, food, etc….and that people in other countries, or people 100 years ago, have none of the luxuries we have here and now. But we don’t usually absorb this fully, and thus don’t realize how grateful (and thus content!) we should be.

Here’s a related article:
http://spiritualinquiry.com/articles/contentment-and-gratitude/

Cheers

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June 8th, 2008, 12:29 pm

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Personal Trainer Says:

June 14th, 2008, 20:59 pm

Does anybody ever wonder if the Buddha was reincarnated as Maslow? The concept of self actualization was not exactly groundbreaking but it forgotten by many people who live life unaware of why they are actually here.

Eve Says:

September 26th, 2008, 8:54 am

Thank you for this article! Its a timely reminder of how I want to live (but often forget about).

Beyond_Better Says:

June 6th, 2009, 0:00 am

I think you have hit some great truths in this post. I was listening to the late Dr. Maxwell Maltz today, and he was basically saying the same thing We choose to the happy or unhappy. It is not our circumstances, but our response to those circumstances.

Faye Butler Says:

June 30th, 2009, 23:52 pm

Isn’t we exactly making efforts to get to contentment? It will be right to say it is a destination, no matter in work or life! Enjoying tiny things is also a factor to be content!

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