Ask the Readers: How Can You Take More Personal Responsibility?

Leo Says:

June 11th, 2008, 0:08 am

I’ll start! I’ve noticed that I often get frustrated and blame others when things aren’t going the way I like. I know that I need to change things — either accept that things aren’t the way I like, or take responsibility to make things the way I like, instead of expecting others to do so. :)

Richard J. Anderson Says:

June 11th, 2008, 0:16 am

Well, the one thing that kicked me into taking personal responsibity was having something occur that I really could not blame on anyone else. (Failing out of college. I am not proud.)

Some people just need to touch the stove to know it’s hot, I guess Myself included.

Orchid Says:

June 11th, 2008, 0:17 am

Let’s not lump “personal responsibility” in with things like what other people do that sabotage your work or injuries that prevent you from exercising. I have a congenital defect in my spine that prevents me from walking more than 2 minutes without pain that becomes increasingly worse. I exercise as much as I can with this problem, but I’m always in pain when I move. I’m not fit, but I try hard and suffer greatly. People like you would probably look at me and think I’m just a lazy slob because you haven’t tried to walk a mile in my shoes and have no understanding of my limits. I’m not blaming anyone as this is just the hand I was dealt. Am I not accepting responsibility for my condition?

Also, sometimes, you cannot do more than you do when others are involved. The situation is far more complex than this piece makes it out to be. Are you suggesting you’re irresponsible for not fixing someone else’s mistakes at work, pressuring them to do their jobs, or confronting them when you don’t have the authority to do so?

I’m not encouraging anyone to blame their problems on anyone else, but it’s not as if the problem is as cut and dry as this piece makes it appear to be. People can be incredibly responsible and courageous and still fail. We are not infinitely empowered to do anything and succeed at everything. Suggesting so is just as irresponsible as blaming others for your problems.

Sara Says:

June 11th, 2008, 0:27 am

I think our first instinct is to save our own skin, so we look for a way to wiggle out of the blame that might damage us. In reality, what will truly ensure our success–and lasting value to a job or relationship–is our ability to spot problems and create solutions. The self-serving instinct merely slows us down in the long run. (Are you listening, Screech?)

Laurie Says:

June 11th, 2008, 0:29 am

I wanted to say that my lack of intimacy with the hub was all his fault when after looking closely at it all, I realized I wasn’t giving intimacy to him so how could he give it to me? My fault.

Ann at One Bag Nation Says:

June 11th, 2008, 0:41 am

Taking personal responsibility for the things that aren’t going well in your life is a great first step; the second step is to do something about it, and that’s the really hard part!

Leo Says:

June 11th, 2008, 0:42 am

@Orchid: There’s a difference between having a medical condition and blaming others for your situation. However, given your medical condition, are there other ways in which you can get fit? For example, can you swim or bike or do underwater running? And what you eat is also important — you can become healthy just by eating healthy and trying to get exercise in small ways — it’ll just take longer.

As for working in a group, I agree that there are limits to what you can do — but if there are problems with one or more members of your group, I suggest you ask yourself:

* How can I make the most of these members? Do they have strength we can use, and weaknesses we can minimize?
* How can I work around these members? Sometimes, you just have to accept an obstacle and get around it.
* Is there any way to get the member off the group? Document what goes wrong, and see if there’s a way to get a transfer for that person based on how they’re screwing up the group.
* Can I work harder to make up for their problems? I know it doesn’t seem “fair” to have to compensate for others, but if you are truly motivated to succeed, you will do what it takes. And consider that this is just one project — next time, move to another group.
* Can I move to another group? Ask for a transfer. Or ask to work on your own. Be proactive instead of accepting a bad situation.
* Can I move to another job? If none of the above options are available, there’s a temptation to accept the situation and resign yourself. Instead, I say that if your job won’t help you improve this situation, your job isn’t the job for you. Either that, or you don’t really care about the situation.

Considering that you have all of the above options (and probably more that I’m not thinking of at this moment), you are totally responsible for the dynamics and limitations of working in a group.

I understand that it’s more complicated than I’ve stated, but the basics of what I’m saying are true. I’ve worked with many groups and I understand the complications, but in the end the solutions can be simple.

Ruth Says:

June 11th, 2008, 0:50 am

What if I am being responsible, adapted to be a better worker, being held to a certain standard but the slackers get away with what they’re doing? On the team illustration, I have to say that working around people or getting them off the team aren’t always options. Four days out of my five workdays I work -around- people who can’t figure out how to do their job correctly, doing my best whether they are not doing theirs (despite being shown/explained how to do it), but it gets real old seeing them slacking off while I do my best plus heap on what they’re not doing in order for the work to get done. Add on to the fact that one of the slackers is buddy-buddy with one of the managers — I’m quite sure that the only one who would be taken off the shift after the suggestion is made isn’t going to be the slacker.

Yes, I’m seeking a better job; it realistically takes some time and I still got to be responsible for the roof over our heads, food, fuel and bills.

Thank you for listening.

JulieK Says:

June 11th, 2008, 0:53 am

Perfect timing.

This weekend I realized I’d been blaming circumstances for failings, and excusing poor behavior on work and “everybody does it.” In the process, I’ve become ever more distant from people I care about and have been creating situations I’m less than proud of.

Other hideous realization: I’d been telling myself these were aberrations that weren’t me - yet it was exactly who I was becoming, because that’s how I have been behaving.

Heart pounding, I picked up the phone and got on email. Without excuses or justifications, I owned the failings and utter lack of good reasons, and flat-out asked for forgiveness.

Reaching out was uncomfortable. Opening the responses was scary. The mending is far from over. But it least it started.

Ideas that have been helping me:
- Look at every situation from the other person’s perspective. You might realize you are self-centered/lazy/eating all the Cheetos.

- If you feel jealous or guilty or fearful, there’s probably a good reason. Deal with it.

- Complaining isn’t the same as taking action.

- The other person might have shared responsibility. but you can wait for them to do the right thing you aren’t willing to do (change, act, apologize, etc.) or you can just do it and know it got done.

- Don’t expect people to react exactly the way you want them to. It’s about you acting.

This was a huge, hard step for me. Thanks for reading about it.

Vered Says:

June 11th, 2008, 0:54 am

I used to blame my parents for EVERYTHING.

When I became a parent, I realized how hard it is to raise children. I learned to respect my parents and concentrate on all the things that they did well, rather than on the mistakes - real or perceived - that they made over the years.

Even more importantly: I shifted the responsibility for my own happiness from my parents to myself.

Sheila Says:

June 11th, 2008, 0:58 am

I went through a complicated and painful relationship that on some levels I’m still recovering from but the one thing I kept my focus on–and still keep my focus on in the aftermath–is that I chose to be with this person. And when things got to a point that the pain of staying and the pain of leaving were equivalent, I chose to leave.

I made an active effort not to blame him for anything, because how I reacted to anything he did was up to me. I made my choices, I took my chances. I think it probably helped that he was always honest with me, even when what he told me wasn’t exactly what I wanted to hear.

I know the standard script is to bitch and moan about That Man Who Done Me Wrong. But I went into it knowing that it wasn’t likely to last, therefore I have no one to blame but myself when my prediction turned out to be correct.

Leo Says:

June 11th, 2008, 1:05 am

@Ruth: I know you’re in a difficult situation, and it’s hard for me to give you specific advice when I’m not in your situation. But it sounds like you’re already taking action, and that’s great.

I would also suggest that you talk to your boss. You don’t have to name names, but just say that you feel like you’re doing more than your share because one or more people aren’t pulling the load. Document things if necessary so you have evidence.

If your boss does not facilitate things to improve the situation, you have a bad boss. Any boss worth his job should work out this problem, by getting rid of the problem or rearranging things so that you are no longer hampered.

If your boss doesn’t fix the problem, I would look for another job, as your boss will be holding you back. Like you said, this could take awhile.

Thomas Herold Says:

June 11th, 2008, 1:05 am

It’s pretty simple if you take on the believe that you create whatever happens in your life. Ultimately this leads to full responsibility.

Cheers

Thomas Herold
CEO Dream Manifesto

Adam Sicinski - Study Matrix Art Says:

June 11th, 2008, 1:08 am

In my opinion, personal responsibility has all to do with our emotional connections, our perspective and with gaining clarity.

Let’s take a look at perspective first. It is easy to take personal responsibility for something that is close, within reach and obtainable within the moment. However, it is somewhat harder to take personal responsibility for something that is far, not currenty within our reach and we cannot obtain it within the moment. This is why when we set personal goals and objectives, some of us find it very difficult to commit ourselves to them and to take that personal responsibility for our actions that will help to bring them to fruition. On the other hand when we set short-term goals they are more within our reach, the results of our current actions are clearly visible and we thusly feel more compelled to take personal responsibility for our progress.

When it comes to taking personal responsibility our emotional state is also a relatively important factor. We tend not to want to be responsible for the things that we have very little emotional connection with. The more emotionally involved we become in other people, our tasks, the circumstances and events of our lives, the greater sense of obligation and self-responsibility we feel.

From another perspective, the more of a sense of control we feel we have over people, events and circumstances, the greater personal responsibility we tend to acknowledge.

In respect to becoming the solution - I think this all lies in the act of gaining clarity. When we are not very clear about our outcomes - about what we want to gain, and about the potential obstacles that may stand in our way - than our personal responsibility will tend to somewhat slide when things don’t go as we had planned.

Sandra Says:

June 11th, 2008, 1:09 am

Leo-
thank you for ALWAYS thoughtful and creative posts. I comment here for the first time but I’ve been reading over a year… this post grabbed my attention because lately I’ve realized that I’ve been waiting for my life to begin, always using excuses like…”when I lose weight..”, or “when I have more money”, etc etc…and truly, that doesnt make sense. This IS my life. I don’t want to waste it. The reason I’ve been scared and in “hiding” ( or denial, whichever ), is that I constantly found reasons to blame other people, or the weather, or just life in general for MY shortcomings. I don’t want to be lazy and take a backseat to my life, and I think realizing that is the first step to taking responsibility.

Alex - www.simplyqueer.com Says:

June 11th, 2008, 1:38 am

It’s really a challenge to switch from blaming others to taking responsibility, but the recognition that change needs to happen is such a great first step.

Thanks, again, for a really great post! You’ve been listing some really great material lately. Thank you!

Robyn Says:

June 11th, 2008, 1:45 am

Clarity is good and should include the understanding that avoiding personal responsibility for both the large AND the small is fear based. We don’t want to own mistakes because we’re afraid it might cost us our boss’s respect or even our jobs. We fear people will think less of us, we fear WE will think less of us. We fear that acknowledging our behaviour will make us like someone we despise.

We all make mistakes, we all are assholes sometimes. Accepting that can be hard, but it can also be freeing.

Marelisa Says:

June 11th, 2008, 2:02 am

Ultimately, the more responsibility you take for yourself and for your life, the more empowered you become. This is so even if other people are partly to blame for a negative situation you find yourself in. If you’re in a situation that is not working out for you, you should always ask: What can I do to change this? How can I achieve my goal inspite of the fact that John Doe is simply not doing his job? What would I do from a position of power? In any situation, even if there’s just a tiny little bit of it that you can take responsibility for and control, grab onto that tiny little bit as if it were the last life-raft on the Titanic, because that’s how you’re going to get yourself to your destination regardless of what others do and what else might be going on around you.

Alex Fayle Says:

June 11th, 2008, 2:17 am

My friends call me “Excuses Guy” because whenever I mess up, there’s always a reason for it. I learned that from my dad - “I’m not wrong, I just had a different perspective…”

I’ve learned just to say “Okay, I messed up.” and to say “Sorry” sometimes - other times the okay is sufficient.

I think a lot of people don’t take personal responsibility because they are uncomfortable with the idea that life is a series of choices and consequences. When you make unconscious choices, then you are unprepared for the consequences, so when you don’t like the consequences, you don’t want to admit that they came about because of your choices.

@Ruth - for 9 years I suffered from Fibromyalgia, lived in almost constant pain and had no energy for anything. Others would see what looked like a healthy 20something guy doing nothing, or being tired all the time. That was my first lesson in measuring my successes based on my abilities/expectations, not on the abilities/expectations of others. Now I don’t live in the same pain as before but I often don’t have much energy (the result of living in a damp/moldy region of Spain), so I adjust my expectations to realistic levels and then (try to) make conscious choices about everything, including my limitations.

Great post as always Leo!

Mikael Says:

June 11th, 2008, 2:29 am

Leo, luckily I’ve been working on this topic for years now as I was one that constantly kept blaming others. My biggest issue was that nobody/nothing ever told me that the option of “me being the problem” ever existed. It wasn’t until I decided to spend time on personal development that I found that there was another way of looking at things.

Now that I know that everything is somehow my responsibility I find that the hardest thing is to notice the exact time where I fall back to my old habit of blaming others. Since it was (and for many people still is) a habit I believe that you don’t even notice that you’re doing it (I know that sometimes I don’t).

So not even being aware that you’re doing it makes it a little difficult to stop and rethink the situation. Do you have any suggestions on how to always notice when you’re repeating the bad habit?

The Daily Minder Says:

June 11th, 2008, 2:35 am

I’m just way too sensitive so when something goes wrong I get personally offended.

TDM

Unkas Says:

June 11th, 2008, 2:42 am

I too believe that what is most important to be left cursing others for our problems is to realize what we are doing. No matter what is happening.

We must look at what we are doing “I’m blaming another one for my own mistake.” Doing this reflection we can rapidly change the perspective and take greater personal responsibility.

Some times when I’m aware of my error I admit publicly my mistake and in such cases it gives me a great feeling of tranquility and I can go ahead with more serenity.

Shanel Yang Says:

June 11th, 2008, 3:01 am

From dreams, I used to wake up “blaming” the bad guys in them (be they my family, bosses, friends, or whomever) until I realized from “Warning the Stone Child: Myths and Stories about Abandonment and the Unmothered Child” clued me into the fact that my own mind was creating all of those characters in my dreams, controlling their actions as well as my own. (I write about this in my article “Fan Your Inner Flame Till It Burns Bright” — not my dreams but the wonderful messages in that audio book. I write about some of my dreams in “How to Interpret Dreams.”)

After this revelation, I am better able to “react” in my dreams to the characters in them less harshly and have since (most of the time) reconciled with them in my heart and mind such that I hardly ever have those types of dreams anymore. I was finally able to let go.

Where can I take more personal responsibility for my unhappiness? Since I honestly feel very happy most of the time, I can’t think of any areas. I’ve been blessed with happiness ever since I started by blog last year.

Where do I still blame others? When I dwell on it, I still blame my parents and teachers for not protecting me, my sisters, and my peers from their own prejudices and craziness. But, of course, I realize they all had their own problems, too. I try to forgive as much as I can for my own good and continued happiness.

Thanks for the great post and challenge!

Darlene Says:

June 11th, 2008, 4:31 am

Another awesome post, Leo! Thanks for the Wake-up Call! I realized that I’ve been doing that since February, when I was relocated by the company I work for. I’m in a different country, operating way out of my comfort zone. I have new colleagues, am learning and have to function in a different language, had problems in setting up pretty much everything, … all in all, a challenging situation. One of the hardest changes, was leaving the company of a very competent team back home with the best manager and colleagues who I learned a lot from on a daily basis. Recently, I have really been focusing on how my new situation was holding me back, complaining to whoever would listen about how this is a step back for my career and I could probably teach my manager a few things, yaddayaddayadda… Now I can see that this situation will offer me just as much (if not more) learning and growth - albeit in a very different way. These are skills that I would not have had the chance to exercise if I had decided to stay back home in my comfort zone. It all springs from a decision and a change of mind. Thanks for the reminder!

Steve Says:

June 11th, 2008, 5:23 am

I think the first step is in recognising that, whatever we do, we are all volunteers – we have choices in all that we do. We’re all volunteers, ultimately, in life: we’re still here and breathing because we choose to, or we haven’t yet chosen the opposite. Even if the choices are equally unpleasant, or one choice is so bad as to rule itself out completely, we still have a choice in how we approach the situation and how we feel about it. In the work I do, I’ve found that this one fact can be tremendously liberating for people and is the first step on the road to accepting personal responsibility.

Of course, it’s not easy – if it was, everyone would be doing it already – and it takes time. I think the best thing people can do is to keep a journal of what happens to them and reflect on it regularly. Start to look for patterns, the times when you didn’t accept responsibility, where you blamed someone else. What was your part in? I went through a period of really bad relationships and was blaming my partners until I got my head around the fact that I was the common denominator and, if nothing else, I was the one choosing the relationships. A tough thing to swallow but very empowering in the long run.

Great post, as always – keep up the good work.

Tammy Lenski of Conflict Zen Says:

June 11th, 2008, 6:22 am

There’s a great book I recommend on getting past blame…it’s called Beyond Blame by Jeffrey Kottler. Many of the folks I’ve recommended it to have come back and told me how helpful it was…and it’s a pretty entertaining read even while it teaches.

Leo, what you described in Dustin is an “external locus of control person,” and it’s clear from all you write here that you’re very internal locus of control. It’s a belief system, so you’re inviting people to reinvent their belief systems.

For folks not familiar with internal/external locus of control, here’s a primer by Dr. David Gershaw of Arizona Western College:

http://tinyurl.com/45n6ht

Ganesh Iyer Says:

June 11th, 2008, 6:42 am

This post reminds me of a quote I had read in a book(The Greatness Guide by Robin Sharma)
“Blaming others is excusing yourself”

Mikeachim Says:

June 11th, 2008, 6:49 am

I’m a big believer in Steven Covey’s concept of Cicle of Influence.

Blaming other people is working outside of this circle, and it’s just beyond your reach - you can’t do much out there, and you’re having to hope that things go your way without being about to shape events properly. Other people are other people with their own lives to run.

Taking responsibility is about always looking within your own circle of influence. What can *I* do about this situation? It’s empowering and exciting. You’re not waiting on external events to align themselves - you just get on with it yourself, and shape events as they happen - creating your own destiny.

So it all starts at home.

But we don’t have to *blame* ourselves. That’s too negative. I mean, everyone is their own worst critic and will beat themselves up a little, no avoiding it. But getting hung up on blame is…..wasteful. (And unscientific. If you run a science experiment and it goes wrong, you’ve learnt something. Life is the same).

Waiting for other people to run (or ruin) your life is frustrating, stressful and usually pointless. A better idea is to just get on with it yourself. And trust yourself above anyone else.

Decla Says:

June 11th, 2008, 6:52 am

This was quite difficult for me to read. I have been trying to act responsibly for a while but unfortunately I haven’t been getting the balance right between accepting responsibility for my own situation and improving things, and punishing myself too heavily for things I’ve done wrong.

In terms of other people I agree that we can’t control what they do but can take charge of our response to them. In an ideal world. Like someone above I take things personally. It’s not easy to take responsibility when someone says or does something that makes you feel bad about yourself but I’m working on it.

Also does anyone else find it easier to accept responsibility for failures than successes? That’s another area that needs focus I think. Although perhaps less in the US than here in Britain where everyone is reticent to admit they’re good at anything.

Anyway, an example of where I’m blaming someone else: I am currently unhappy with my living arrangements and my partner doesn’t want to change them. I’ve been blaming him when actually I’m complicit in not explaining the reason’s I’m unhappy and not coming up with any solutions or compromises.

Ben Lumley Says:

June 11th, 2008, 6:55 am

Hi Leo

I see this attitude all the time in the school I teach. Young people (in the UK) sadly very rarely take responsiblity for their own actions and attitudes. It is something that I try to work with in a positive way with all of the students I meet.

Personally I find that I take this attitude myself when I know I have made a stupid mistake or I have let someone down. In order to take the focus away from myself I apportion blame on to others and situations. This is something I try very hard to combat. Its not easy but it’s achievable.

Peace

Katie Says:

June 11th, 2008, 6:59 am

I try to stick with the Steve Covey quote….You cannot talk your way out of problems you behave yourself into.

The way I look at it…if you don’t want to/ can’t deal with something, then don’t get mixed up in it in the first place.

Stephen Says:

June 11th, 2008, 7:13 am

>>Ruth, it sounds like you are doing the best thing that you can in terms of looking for a better job. Sometimes you have to “fire” your job, before it wrecks you.

>>Decla, as I mention above, it is also okay to “fire” your friends and acquaintances. I was in a tough situation with loads of drama several years ago and I just had to stop hanging out with some pretty good friends. They were good people, but they were not very responsible and they just had to go.
Have a talk with your partner, without getting personal, and explain your reasons. Don’t give an ultimatum, but ask for help in making your living arrangements better. Or be prepared to change them yourself.

Fred Says:

June 11th, 2008, 7:26 am

Leo -

I’d like to “take responsibility” for the things that have happened to me, but I really feel that life has dealt me some bad hands, if you know what I mean.

I had to leave college to take care of my dad after he had a heart attack, and when he died I got t-boned by a drunk driver on the way home from the funeral. I was left with a severe disability, and was unable to return to school.

Eventually, I recovered enough that through therapy I was able to get a job in a facility that employs handicapped and special needs people, so I bought a small house and was doing OK for a while. Both my house and the business I worked at were destroyed in the massive floods our state experienced last week.

That’s not the worst: I was also diagnosed with an inoperable tumor on Monday; the sort that is aggressive and untreatable. They’re giving me two months to live.

So there I am–no education, no job, no house, disabled and soon to die–it’s over for me, and I hardly got started.

I don’t feel responsible for all this, Leo. Truth of it is, I’m bitter and angry and fed up with living anyway. If this is the way it has to be, I’d just as soon go on.

Your idea that we’re all “personally responsible” sounds good in a psycho-talk kind of way, but I’m not buying.

As they say, “&#&^# happens.”

It sure happened to me.

Matt Says:

June 11th, 2008, 7:42 am

Great post Leo, blaming others and not taking personal responsibility is kind of the default or fall back situation. I’m sure I’m no different than anyone else in adminting a failing or fault but thats where the hardest part for me is. Understanding my limitations and where I went wrong. Once I know that I am the cause of the problem (even a little) I can work to fixing the situation. Its not always that simple but its a starting point.

I’ve gotten better in recent years in knowing when something is my fault or lacking and working to fix it. I’m still working on being able to recognize when I have the ability to improve a situation that might be falling apart through no part of my own. Knowing when you need to step up is an important factor but not always clearly indicated.

Sheila Says:

June 11th, 2008, 7:44 am

Shit does happen, Fred, and I won’t deny that a hell of a lot of shit has happened to you. But no matter how shitty a hand you’ve been dealt, there’s more than one way to play it.

You can’t really change what is until you accept what is. That’s what a lot of ‘blame’ gets stuck on–if only this circumstance were different or that person acted differently, then everything would be peachy-keen. And while you can sit around like that horrible song “waiting for the world to change” you may find you’ll be waiting for a long, long time.

If there’s a rock in your path, you can climb over it, dig under it, drill through it or just, heck, walk off the path and go around it. But you have to accept that the rock is there, accept its dimensions, its solidity, its weight before you can do anything about it. If you just beat on the rock and wail that it shouldn’t be there, you’re not going to make much progress.

Jane Says:

June 11th, 2008, 8:19 am

Certainly we should take responsibility for our actions - and even our thoughts - which requires work and honesty.

But…looking at the base of this post. Dustin is…uh…an ACTOR. I’m not familiar with his work, but obviously he’s pretty good.

Eric Says:

June 11th, 2008, 8:22 am

Hey there, what a great question to pose. For me, I had a rather tragic event happen in my life that I blamed so many of my personal failures on, for years. It’s only recently that I started climbing out of that whole tunnel vision of blame and anger.
Unfortunately, I *still* find myself blaming things in my life on that event. It’s like this trump card I can use on anything, any time my poor little ego feels threatened. It’s still difficult to take total responsibility. Like I can explain away certain things about myself by throwing down the big bad trump card (like my weight for example).

So thanks for providing a reason to consider that and talk about it here. I definitely need to improve in this regard. - Eric

Leo Says:

June 11th, 2008, 8:22 am

@Fred: I’m not going to comment on a situation I couldn’t even begin to understand until I lived through it, except to say that I’m truly sorry for the horrible things that have happened to you. My condolences on the loss of your father, and my prayers are with you during this difficult time in your life.

I guess my only other thing to say is that, yes, life has dealt you a horrible hand … now what will you do with it? If you have two months to live … what do you plan to do with those two months? How can you make the most of the life you have left? I wish you strength and wisdom during this very difficult time, and please know that my heart is with you.

Leo Says:

June 11th, 2008, 8:23 am

@everyone else: I am deeply impressed with all of your responses! You have come through with honesty and courage, as I knew you would. :)

Leo Says:

June 11th, 2008, 8:26 am

@Jane, who wrote:

“But…looking at the base of this post. Dustin is…uh…an ACTOR. I’m not familiar with his work, but obviously he’s pretty good.”

You’re right — it’s hard to know what is real and what isn’t in these shows. But that’s irrelevant, really — even if I’m talking about a fictional character in a book, it’s a starting point for a more important discussion about personal responsibility, and for that inspiration, I thank Dustin. :)

Eugene (Editor, Varsity Blah) Says:

June 11th, 2008, 8:27 am

Accepting responsibility is one of the biggest things I wrote about in Work in Progress:

“My life was no accident. Things were the way they were because of me and the choices I’d made. How could I have missed something so fundamentally simple? Everything I’d been doing up to now was a complete mistake. All this time I’d been trying to rearrange the outside world in an attempt to make myself feel better. But of course that didn’t work. It never would. The only way I’d ever make things better was by rearranging my inner world first.

“In that moment I found my power. Admitting I was the problem finally helped me realize I was also the solution. It finally helped realize the only way things would ever get better was if I stopped blaming everyone else and start blaming me. Change would have to start from the inside. Instead of trying to fix everyone else, I would take the time to fix me. It had to be me.”

Mark Says:

June 11th, 2008, 8:37 am

Responsibility vs. Blaming
Apples vs. Oranges

Blaming self vs. Blaming others
Accepting responsibility vs. Assigning responsibility
Apples vs. Apples
Oranges vs. Oranges

Eric Says:

June 11th, 2008, 8:50 am

@Eugene: “Admitting I was the problem finally helped me realize I was also the solution” — that is so perfectly stated. Thank you for that
- Eric

jerry Says:

June 11th, 2008, 9:08 am

in the present state of politically correctness–personal responsibility is a quaint notion of another era–my pet peeve are people that complain about “big business” ruining the environment while they are driving to starbucks in their Hummer with the windows rolled up and the AC blastin…

Zissou Says:

June 11th, 2008, 9:25 am

Dear Leo Thanks for your post. I quite often visit your site when preparing workshops I work work mainly in corporations (also private clients with courses on freeing ourselves of addictions, healthy eating and holistic wellbeing. By coincidence I am working on follow-up newsletters on taking responsibilty. I include a exerpt in English.

Not taking responsibility is a one of the ways the mind has of being right instead of being happy. Our rational mind wants always to be right. Blaming others life, circumstances, parents, boss, spouse is comfortable in the short term but in the long term prevents learning and personal growth. Until you accept full responsibilty for your life You can be no more than a victim

Taking responsibility means:

1. Where you are right now in your life is no more and no less than the sum total of the decisons/choices that you have made in you life

2. You are responsable for your feeling too. (If not you then who?)

Taking responsibilty for your life means acting positively in your circle of influence and being whatever it is that you need be in order to respond effectively to the ordinary and extraordinary pressures which we encounter in life.

During our workshops we explored how our society is still living the survival paradigm (have-do-be) rather than the wellbeing paradigm of (be-do-have). The compulsion of being right rather than being happy is one of the ways in which this paradigm manifests itself. Complaining and blaming others are often just cheap ways of being right. If you are not sure where you stand then observe the way in which you use language it is one of the best indicators of the paradigm from which you currently act. For example a sentence which begins with “If only ( I had different parents, a different boss, the world was like it was 10 years ago etc.)”. “I have to” or “I cannot” (Instead of I choose) are all good indicators of not taking responsibility. I am putting the blame “antwhere but here” I am saying that my parents (even though my father has been dead seventeen years) are somehow responsable for how I feel or behave right now (pretty good trick for a dead person or even a live person come to that!). By using these phrases I put the blame “anywhere but here” In other words I have to have something “out there” in order to be happy. If I want to be happy then some people simply have to change. Clearly I cannot change my parents and usually I cannot make my boss’ behave differently unless he wants to. A complaint I often hear is that things aren’t how they used to be (of course they used to be better. Things were much better 10,15, or 20 years ago. The fact is that he world has changed in the past x years and will continue to change. Nothing in the material world is permanent (nothing but change itself).

Frugal Dad Says:

June 11th, 2008, 9:29 am

I’ve been overweight and out of shape most of my adult life. The years in college, and five years immediately after I gained a lot of weight and blamed it on genetics, a high school football injury, etc, etc. In fact, I was overweight because I quit working out, felt sorry for myself and sat around and ate (and drank) junk! Funny how something so simple can be so difficult.

I’m taking actions now to reverse this trend, but it is an uphill battle as I dug myself a pretty deep hole.

Dot H. Says:

June 11th, 2008, 9:29 am

I have faced this issue over and over and continue to struggle with it. My latest battle is that, when I’m in a lot of pain, my knee-jerk reaction is to get very angry at someone for a minor fault. Only later do I realize that it was the pain I was angry at, and then I have to make amends with the person, if possible.

But this post also bothers me, and it took me a while to figure out why. It reminds me of people who are control freaks and want to try to manage the outcome of every situation, including doing other people’s jobs for them because the control freak thinks he/she can do it “better,” getting people transferred or fired to clear the way for their own ambition, etc. Also, these people try to lead in situations where they aren’t the leader, often going around the established leadership rather than working with them.

I think my solution would be more along the lines of, accept the situation as it exists, do your part responsibly, but do not take onto yourself the responsibility of others and rob them of the lessons they need to learn from the consequences of their actions.

Darlene Says:

June 11th, 2008, 9:31 am

A few of you mentioned above that we also don’t take enough responsibility of our successes. This could prove to be quite useful. Often, when people ask me how I got to where I am today I attribute it to plain Luck and don’t take credit for all of the decisions that I took that got me here! For example: My actions led to flunking out of university the first time around, but I was smart enough to continue trying different academic programs to finally find one that “fit right” for me. I also decided, after working for 2 years in that field, that it wasn’t right for me and made a very good decision to leave at a critical point in time. I was lucky that the opportunity to work and live in another country came up… but in the end it was me who decided to go for it. I could have stayed in a comfortable place where everything would have been easier . Now that I’ve been through the challenge of this big move, I can decide to make the best out of it, come out alive and have more skills to offer at any other position I decide to take!

I think I’ll now add to my list of successes in light of this new information and try to be more grateful for what I’ve done and stop seeing the evolution of my life as “happy accidents”. Thanks everyone! I didn’t realize I could get as much out of reading the comments too! :)

Lau Says:

June 11th, 2008, 9:38 am

Ah Leo! What an appropriate timing you’ve got!

As an alumn, I took a tour of my old alma matter last night. Walking through the beautiful campus of Northeastern University yesterday I was telling myself how stupid I was for not taking advantage of everything the school had to offer. I spent 4 years in there and it’s all a blur. All I can remember is staying in my campus room. I didn’t meet a lot of people. Didn’t participate in activities. Didn’t get involved in anything.

Why?

Because I’m an idiot is a short and to-the-point answer. Truth is, I am shy and I’m afraid of taking actions. I’m also afraid of going to people and wait until they come to me (it doesn’t always work that way). Now, I’m 28 years old and I wish I had done things so much differently so I could remember those years and tell myself what a great time in my life it was. Instead of wanting to kick myself and wondering what the heck I did for 4 years. And whose fault is that? My own!

Unfortunately, this pattern seems to apply for college, as well as high school. I had sort of wake up last night. Realizing I was not happy - in my work mostly, but also as a person. I need to change!!

Now that this is establish… Where do I start??

(By the way, I don’t leave a lot of comments but I LOVE your blog!)

SpaceAgeSage Says:

June 11th, 2008, 9:54 am

When my mind wants to run to the blame game, I recall John Belushi’s character Jake in the movie the Blues Brothers telling the Mystery Woman (Carrie Fisher) that he was not to blame for leaving her at the altar:

“… I ran out of gas. I, I had a flat tire. I didn’t have enough money for cab fare. My tux didn’t come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from out of town. Someone stole my car. There was an earthquake. A terrible flood. Locusts. IT WASN’T MY FAULT, I SWEAR …”

This visual — and the humor — help me realize to what lengths part of my mind will go if I let it. One of my favorite quotes is from Erica Jong, “Take your life in your own hands and what happens? A terrible thing: no one is to blame.”

Derek Says:

June 11th, 2008, 10:11 am

The place I tend to blame when something goes wrong is at the end user. I manage and support a mid sized network and am hearing complaints about the “software adding values it shouldnt” without much proof.

Sometimes I find myself wanting to point the finger at the end user, which is bad. I have been trying to do a better job at isolating the issue being reported and determine if the issue is “Garbage in Garbage out” or a problem with the application. Rather than point blame at the end user, a discussion of the findings and some corrective coaching might be the best action… anyone have any thoughts?

B Smith @ Wealth and Wisdom Says:

June 11th, 2008, 10:11 am

Leo-any of the success literature puts personal responsibility at the top of the list. Covey makes it number one with “be proactive.” It is that important.

Some people mistake personal responsibility as taking blame. It isn’t about who is at fault. It is a personal perspective on life that you are in control. There is always something that you can do to make the situation better. It doesn’t relieve others of their responsibility, it just allows you more control to make things better.

A good example is a conflict I recently had. It was witnessed by several people who all came to me afterwards as said I did nothing wrong. The other person was rude, aggressive, and trying to pick a fight.

I had a different reply. While I was not in the wrong, I made the situation worse. I was in a bad mood. I could have shrugged my shoulders and said “whatever.” Instead I allowed the conversation to continue.

Marc and Angel Hack Life Says:

June 11th, 2008, 10:20 am

The number one things everyone needs to do:

Take ownership of you actions: http://www.marcandangel.com/2007/07/20/force-of-character-taking-ownership-of-your-actions/

Mich Mash Says:

June 11th, 2008, 10:26 am

I’m married to a soldier and he’s currently deployed. I have spent a lot of time blaming that deployment (and others that I have gone through) on my circumstances when I know that the better thing to do is just get up on my feet and live life and take the bull by the horns. I can’t control that he’s gone, and neither can he, so there’s not much sense in thinking that “if only he were home, this would be different.”
Because honestly, if he were home, it might be different, but that might not necessarily be a good thing. (Not to say that it’s bad when he’s home - I’m just saying that him being home might not change a particular situation, i.e. a temper tantrum from our son or a messy kitchen or the way we manage our time, for the better.)

cory at agoodhusband Says:

June 11th, 2008, 10:34 am

Leo, thanks for the insight. It was a post that made me think, and so I turned it over to my readers as well. Taking personal responsibility in my marriage comes to mind.

I could definitely do better by whining less and taking charge more. I like to complain, it makes me feel better - but it annoys the heck out of everyone around me, I think. Time to nip that it in the bud.

Rick Says:

June 11th, 2008, 10:59 am

It’s all about taking ownership of your actions. My personal relationships, especially with my partner, has benefited greatly from my realization that it is up to me to help her feel special in my actions and my words. If I’m having a bad day, it’s “my” bad day and not anyone else’s. Nor is it anyone’s fault as I also chose to have a bad day. We do have more control over our lives than some people will have you believe. Not total control but how we approach the day, or our lives, is up to us.

Rob Zimmerman Says:

June 11th, 2008, 11:24 am

I’m an avid golfer. This year I’ve started taking the game much more seriously and looking at ways to “take it to the next level”. One of the things I did in the off season was to read “Zen Golf” by Joseph Parent. Many of the lessons he presents in the book apply not only to golf but everyday life as well.

One of the biggest take-aways I had from the book was to be mindful of your emotions. The ability reflect and react quickly to your own emotional responses is key in reforming your own behaviors. When you find yourself making excuses (”the weather was bad”, “I got some bad breaks”, “my playing partners were rude”) for your own mistakes take a moment to reflect what *really* caused them. If you can fix the real underlying causes of your own actions then you’ll have nobody to congratulate but yourself!

Hendrie Says:

June 11th, 2008, 11:32 am

My first thoght when reading the great observation was that just as you saw it in him, I have to see the challenge/issue in myself. I cannot beging to change with out knowing that something is amiss and that there is something that can be done. Then take some action. The action may turn out to be a mistake, so then redirect. No blame, no freak out, just feedback. Having all the judgement about how things are going is energy consuming and not producing any results. Awareness, available responses, action, feedback, action…..hanging with others can be invaluable in getting an outside opinion and some possible redirects. Acceptance is also a very affirming response. Sometimes just accepting can diffuse a lot of reaction and often the reaction is far more disruptive than the original issue.
By the way, last september I weighed over 200lbs with 143 lbs lean body mass around 29% Last saturday, got underwater body fat test and was 159 lbs, 148lbs lean and 6.7%. Very good for a 45 year old guy. I took responsibility taking the action, following a plan, got help, got regular feedback and I look and feel great.

dayatthebeach Says:

June 11th, 2008, 11:48 am

Wow Leo, I have to think you heard my discussion (fight) with my son last night! He’s 14, last week of 9th grade, and just not accepting responsibility for his actions. He doesn’t get the fact that how he performs now in high school will affect everything later. My advice to him was to stop being the victim and start taking charge of his circumstances. He makes the choices in his life. It’s not my fault or the teachers’ fault if his grades slide. It’s not our fault if he doesn’t have the right supplies or tools. We are not mind readers nor are we babysitters. This one thing–taking personal responsibility–is the pivotal point of growing up. I know numerous adults who play the victim and it’s easy to see how it’s affecting their life. They are not successful, ambitious people. Admitting that you’ve screwed up, that it’s your fault, and LEARNING from it is how people grow up. Admitting you’re not perfect but willing to try will earn you more respect and creates transparency in your life. I know he doesn’t get that yet, but I’m still going to show him this blog. And I loved the comment “Admitting I was the problem finally helped me realize I was also the solution”.

Jeremy Says:

June 11th, 2008, 11:57 am

I find it hard to accomplish anything for myself. I had been in a relationship for a few years and it seemed that everything I would do I would do to make her proud and happy. Now that I am no longer in that relationship I still catch myself thinking, “Brittany would like it this way.” She was a constant inspiration. What do I do now?

Sara Says:

June 11th, 2008, 12:07 pm

I don’t know if this has already been said because I stopped reading comments, but I think part of personal responsibility in groups is making sure people know when they’re slacking. Sometimes they might think “you want to be the leader” in the work and they’re waiting to be designated tasks. You have to take up the roles your teammates need if they’re not getting work done, and that is TOTAL personal responsibility. Rather than blaming them for being slackers, you have to blame yourself too for not communicating their half of the work and making sure it’s a team!

I used to have this problem in my old job, when I would take on tasks because my coworkers voiced distaste for them. Then I’d end up resenting the person, when really it was my fault. I realized this though and tried to include those people as much as I could to help me out, and give them tasks they liked better than I did so we could even things out.

I need to take personal responsibility for a lot of things, and I’ve been doing better and better at it since last year. I used to blame my mom a lot for my mentality, and I’ve been getting away from that. I’ve realized she’s a victim of her own mentality (she’s very negative, and creates stress for herself). So I’ve been trying to help her see she can approach things differently, rather than yelling at each other when stuff doesn’t get done that she thinks is important.

Strong One Says:

June 11th, 2008, 12:16 pm

I always loved the theory - when you point a finger at someone look at your hand…. there are three more fingers pointing back at you.
We reap what we sow.
Great post.

Colby Says:

June 11th, 2008, 12:29 pm

Great discussion topic! I’ve worked with people dealing with addiction for several years now, both old and young and one of the biggest tendencies with those suffering from any kind of addiction is pointing the blame somewhere else, putting the problem on someone else’s shoulders. one of my favorite comments from Stephen Covey is “The way you see the problem, is the problem”.
Something I learned from someone a long time ago however that I’m very grateful for is the principle of one word. “Truth” What is the truth? What is the truth in this situation? The truth is that I’m ultimately response “ABLE” and I can choose my own destiny. And your choices come from your core, from what you really believe and feel is your core principles. Stephen also teaches about a Mission statement or core center of beliefs and that is where our choices can come from. In fact we just created a forum based on that topic at stephencovey.com as well.

I don’t profess to be perfect at this either because sometimes I find myself pointing the finger but again, if I reflect on the principle of “Truth” I have found that I have control, my situation is based on my choices and how I change that is based on my decision no one else.

Nathalie Lussier Says:

June 11th, 2008, 12:52 pm

Really wonderful to hear so many in sights on a such topic….. yes we need take a lot more responsibility in our professional and personal deeds, blame game just waste time, creates confusion and no result at the end.

Amy Says:

June 11th, 2008, 13:02 pm

When I was in college, I would often find myself upset and stressed because I felt I didn’t have enough time to do everything that needed to be done. I had to just keep reminding myself that I was the one responsible for my situation–I tried to take on too much at once.

Jasi Says:

June 11th, 2008, 13:04 pm

Faulting someone else, playing the blame game is huge in this country. It doesn’t work for me because if someone else is the reason why I’m failing at something, I have no control… And I like control of my own life at least.

I could be a bit more responsible in my relationship with my mother. The parent/child relationship can be a really tricky one at any age, but it can’t be as difficult as I’m seeing it.

The Zen Dad Says:

June 11th, 2008, 13:15 pm

I think the point here that a lot of people are missing is that most child stars (like Dustin) have pretty much everything done for them from day 1 of being famous. His personal accountability flew out the window with his “handlers” aka agent. The difficulty is later in life when they are left to their own devices and don’t have the skill set to deal with these type of issues (ala calling your lawyer). It’s kind of sad really , but you make the bed you lay in. I think “normal” people, the unfamous, have a pretty good handle on personal accountability, sure we all have our faults but most recognize them.
my 2Cents
The Zen Dad
http://www.zendad.net

Ian Says:

June 11th, 2008, 13:17 pm

I have a good analogy for personal responsibility and random bad things that happen. I don’t recall where I first heard this. “You are walking on a pier and a jerk pushes you in the water. You are not responsible for being pushed but it is your responsibility to deal with being in the water”

I’m taking personal responsibility for getting into a lot of personal debt. I was ignoring that my bipolar partner was racking up some serious bills and now I’m learning from my mistakes. I’m learning how could I have acted differently to prevent going into such debt again. I’m changing my patterns so it won’t happen like that next time.

Gilbert Says:

June 11th, 2008, 13:19 pm

Sounds like there’s a mix here of “blame” and “responsibility”.

I’ve been struggling with taking personal responsibility in my relationship with my wife recently and stumbling over how easy it is for me to point out where she isn’t taking responsibility for her actions and their consequences. Lately I’ve started biting my tongue because I realized that pointing out her shortcomings was fogging the mirror she was holding up to me–what drives me nuts about her is often what I’m also guilty of, but it’s easier to see and complain about her doing it than it is to see and take responsibility for doing it myself.

The difference between “blame” (what I was doing to her) and “responsibility” (what I needed to do for myself) is that the former is a destination (once I’ve assigned blame, that’s where it stays until it can be shifted) and the other is a process (it’s pointless to take responsibility for things I have no control over, but equally pointless not to take responsibility for the things I can and allow them to be controlled by forces and people who may not have my best interests at heart).

Responsibility is a choice: a choice to accept things the way they are instead of the way we want them to be and a choice to roll up our sleeves and do something about it. Maybe we can’t do much, and maybe the results of what we do won’t be what we expected, but the cumulative effects of our efforts will be transforming. We will dream dreams and live lives that are rich beyond our comprehension.

Tim Says:

June 11th, 2008, 13:30 pm

Taking responsibility is very important, but it seems that what Leo and a lot of posters here are talking about is to a potentially dangerous extreme. I have seen people think that they can just make everything happen through sheer force of will, determination and work. But there really are many things outside of one’s control, and not accepting that is a recipe for stress and disappointment.

“Grant me the courage to change the things I can, the strength to accept the things I cannot, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

The other extreme is blaming others and there’s no question that equally (or more) destructive. As with just about everything in life, the key is balance, and finding just the right point in the middle. Come up with goals for your life, plan how to meet them, work hard towards them and learn from your mistakes. But realize that other people are trying to create their own realities as well, and you can only control so much.

I liked a story my Dad told me about someone he worked with. This guy was talking to someone who told him, “Gee, you’re lucky. You have a great wife, beautiful house, nice car, you’re happy.” He thought for a second and replied, “You know, it’s funny - the harder I work, the luckier I seem to get!”

I would also say that a critical part of taking responsiblity is being open to honesty. If you ever find someone that can give you honest, constructive feedback in a non-confrontational way, cherish them because they are extremely rare. So many people tell people what they think they want to hear as opposed to what they really think, or they speak their mind in an antagonistic fashion rather than a constructive one.

Methinks that’s probably what happened with that Dustin guy, and to a lot of other Hollywood people. They’re constantly surrounded by people who flatter them and they end up with no sense of reality or responsibility. Bruce Willis said the only friends he has are the ones he had before he became a star, because he can’t trust anyone else.

That’s why nature is so important as well. The real world, as opposed to the fake man-made one, sets the rules in an unbiased way and her feedback is pure and honest.

Eric Says:

June 11th, 2008, 13:45 pm

@Tim - the key is “the wisdom to know the difference” part. Where is the difference, exactly? What are the boundaries?

I try and live by a philosophy that says that you create everything in life through your thoughts. And that really does mean everything. If you believe there are hindrances and obstacles, call it the ‘real world’ or factors outside one’s control, then that is how life will be for you. Are there really any boundaries? I know this can all get a little mystical or far-out sounding, but the more you open yourself up to the possibilities and potentials, less obstacles find themselves in the way.

Jackie Says:

June 11th, 2008, 13:53 pm

In a book I’m reading right now there is a line that states, “Blame is so satisfying that you can forget it’s actually useless.” -Wild Roses

We want to look good. We want to succeed. So when a situation calls for it, it’s SO much easier to blame others especially at times when we don’t look our best or we feel like we’re failing. I think we are all guilty of this because of the fact it’s an easy way out. But going through life, you find that it really is useless to have this habit. In the end, we only have ourselves and if we keep pointing our finger to someone else, we do not learn and grow. We only learn to target someone else for all the wrong in the world.

Chica Dificil Says:

June 11th, 2008, 14:00 pm

I realized recently that I was blaming my dissatisfaction at work entirely on my boss. (DON’T GET ME WRONG! MY BOSS IS REALLY INEFFECTIVE AT HER JOB AND MANAGES TO ISOLATE ALL OF HER STAFF). Yet, despite the fact that I NEED a job, I’m my own boss. I’m currently in a job search and it’s very exciting and making me happy.

I TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR FINDING A JOB THAT FEEDS MY SOUL & HEART, and is also flexible and pays what I need!

Thank you Leo! You are such a breath of fresh air in the blogging world. Your honesty & authenticity…plus your love for helping others reach WELLNESS. You touch many lives….

http://chicadificil.com/

Jessica Says:

June 11th, 2008, 14:31 pm

Orchid’s point is well-taken, I think. There are certain things in the world around which you have no control. For us — my husband and I wanted to have a baby but physical problems caused us to be considered infertile. We pursued a medical solution to our problem, which eventually worked, but not before forcing us to ride a roller coaster of elation, despair, elation and despair first. And we got lucky. So many people who follow the same path are never successful. Sometimes you can’t make your medical condition go away. How you cope with it is the question. (and unless you’ve been in those shoes, it’s hard to say how you would cope with the same situation)

My current not-taking-responsibility issue is the following situation: My house is a complete cluttered wreck with piles of clean laundry unfolded on chairs, piles of dirty clothes in hampers, counters full of last week’s paperwork, a front floor hall full of unopened and untouched mail, toys from the very young children all over the floor and not enough room to put them away. I could go on and on. I am a telecommuter (I work a full time job from home) and I live in this environment 24 hours a day. It is driving me crazy and I’m blaming everyone else in the family because even though I’m a slob too, I’m the neatest of the bunch and the only one who makes an effort to do anything about the chaos. I just get annoyed when my husband sits and watches TV at night as I try to tame the chaos. (after I’ve done all the dishes, made up the bottles for daycare the next day, etc.) But I know if I got the chaos under control my life would be smoother. I think i’m having a personal-responsibility mental block here.

Jonathan B. Says:

June 11th, 2008, 14:33 pm

@Erin, who wrote: “I try and live by a philosophy that says that you create everything in life through your thoughts. And that really does mean everything.”

Everything, Eric? So if a meteor slams through the roof of your house and kills you tonight, do you believe you attracted it with your thoughts?

Great post, Leo. I saw an episode of this show and was amazed at the lack of personal responsibility that Dustin was showing. This is the same guy who almost lost his house and decided to create a pornographic movie to help raise cash. Quite amusing. Maybe he was just acting on the show, but like you said, there are plenty of people like him.

I sat for a moment or two but couldn’t think of a situation where I am blaming someone else and need to take personal responsibility. I know I have in