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The Six Key Steps to Healthy Finances in Your Relationship

If you’ve ever been in a relationship for very long, especially if you were married or living together, I can almost guarantee that you’ve had a money fight.

One of the biggest causes of problems in relationships is differences in values and goals and habits when it comes to money, and especially communication about money issues.

Money can’t buy you love, but it sure can tear it apart.

And while I can’t claim that my wife and I are perfect when it comes to money and relationships, I can say that we’ve come a long way, and we rarely ever have money disagreements anymore. It wasn’t always that way, and we’ve had our share of fights along the way, but we’re in a much more solid relationship these days because we learned how to talk about money, and how to align our financial goals.

That’s the crux of this post, in two simple steps: learn how to talk about money, and learn to align your financial goals. If you can do those two things, you’ve done more than most couples, and you’ve done a lot to keep your relationship on solid ground.

Sit down and talk about financial goals and values. Many couples often neglect this step, even if it seems obvious and common-sensical. But because talking about finances can be uncomfortable, they leave these important things unsaid, and often don’t even think about it individually. They have goals and values when it comes to money, but they’re not examined. That’s a mistake, as one person might want to be frugal in order to save for future goals, while the other might like to spend and enjoy things now, while the getting is good. The differences often come from different upbringings, and they can be emotionally charged (see next step for more on this). It doesn’t have to be difficult, though. Just tell your partner you’d like to sit down and have a talk about the future — what your goals are and how you can work together, as a team, to achieve them. In the beginning, just start spitting out different things each of you wants — a house, kids, college education for the kids, a healthy emergency fund, nice cars, travel each year, nice clothes, gadgets and computers, etc. Then start to prioritize, and see if you can come up with things in common. If you want different things, it is important that you talk about why, and consider the other person’s desires. If that’s what makes the other person happy, you should want to make them happy — that’s the basis of a good relationship. But relationships aren’t one-sided, either, so you should be able to be happy too. The point is that both sides should be considered, and you should look for a win-win solution or compromise so that you can both be happy. It might take a few meetings to get to actual written goals, with a timeframe for each, but that’s where you want to be eventually.
Remove emotions from financial talk. From your first meetings about financial goals to your subsequent weekly talks (see Step 5), it’s important that the two of you stay calm, don’t get hurt or angry over any of the issues, and try to look at these issues objectively. Often financial issues are tied up in all kinds of emotional issues, stemming from childhood, from issues of security to feeling like your way is better to feeling hurt if your way of spending is criticized in any way, and much more. These emotional issues are all tangled together with financial issues, and it’s important that you untangle them and just deal with financial goals and habits. First, don’t use emotional, accusatory, or inflammatory language. Don’t blame the other person or even be negatively critical. Simply talk about your financial goals, developing a plan for getting to those goals, developing a system for dealing with finances, and so forth. Also try not to feel like you’re under attack if the other person talks about your goals or habits — let this be an open discussion, and if you feel under attack, stop and take a breath and remember that this isn’t a discussion about you personally but about how the two of you are going to meet your goals. Again, think of this as a team effort, not as a you-vs-me effort.
Come up with a plan to meet your goals. Once you’re able to come up with common financial goals (a huge step — celebrate!), you need a plan to get you there. This will take into account your joint income, your debt, your savings, how much you can put towards debt and/or saving each month, whether you want to cut back on certain things in order to meet your savings goals, how long you want to give yourself to meet financial goals, and so forth. Start by having a definite timeframe for each goal, and then figure out how much you need to save (or pay towards debt) each month to get to your goals. Create a spending plan (if you haven’t yet) for each month, and see if you can adjust it to meet that monthly goal. You might need to cut back on some things, or earn extra income, or both. Or you might discover that your goals aren’t realistic and you need to cut back on them, reprioritize, or push them back a bit in order to meet them. This plan to meet your goals is how you will align your daily and monthly spending with your long-term goals. It’s also a great way to resolve minor short-term disputes — you should definitely buy fewer shoes, and I should buy fewer video games, so we can buy that house in three years and travel to Europe in two years.
Develop a system for finances that works for both of you. In order to put your financial plan into action, you’ll need to figure out how you’re going to pay your bills, pay debt, deposit into savings, have money for various spending needs (like gas and groceries and eating out), and so forth. Someone will have to take responsibility for each part of the system (it’s better if you’re both involved, but you should find what works best for you as a couple). One person might go to the bank while the other updates your financial program (like Quicken or Money) or your checking register to make sure you’re in balance, for example.
Have weekly financial meetings. This is very important, and it’s a step that many couples overlook. Just because you have common financial goals and a plan and a system doesn’t mean that everything is fine. If one person takes responsibility for the finances, for example, and the other is out of the loop, then there will likely be problems down the road. I’ve known several couples like this — one partner took care of the finances and the other was blissfully ignorant … until it was revealed that they were way behind on payments and would soon have to file for bankruptcy. That wasn’t a good time in their relationship. To prevent problems like this, have a weekly meeting where you sit down and talk about finances. You can review your accounts, your spending plan, what is coming up in the next few weeks that you’ll need to budget for, any problem areas, what to do with your annual bonus, where you are with your goals, and so forth. Make sure you’re both caught up on everything, and that you’re working well as a team.
Above all, stay positive and be honest. Remember: you’re a team. You have the same goals and you want each other to be happy. Team members can help each other out and encourage each other, or they can rip the team apart by being negative, by blaming, by working against common goals. If you always stay positive, you’ll succeed as a team. Be encouraging, stay focused on solutions not blame, and make sure love is the foundation of everything you do.

“We can tell our values by looking at our checkbook stubs.” -Gloria Steinem

If you liked this article, please share it on del.icio.us, StumbleUpon or Digg. I’d appreciate it. :)

The Six Key Steps to Healthy Finances in Your Relationship

If you’ve ever been in a relationship for very long, especially if you were married or living together, I can almost guarantee that you’ve had a money fight.

One of the biggest causes of problems in relationships is differences in values and goals and habits when it comes to money, and especially communication about money issues.

Money can’t buy you love, but it sure can tear it apart.

Sit down and talk about financial goals and values. Many couples often neglect this step, even if it seems obvious and common-sensical. But because talking about finances can be uncomfortable, they leave these important things unsaid, and often don’t even think about it individually. They have goals and values when it comes to money, but they’re not examined. That’s a mistake, as one person might want to be frugal in order to save for future goals, while the other might like to spend and enjoy things now, while the getting is good. The differences often come from different upbringings, and they can be emotionally charged (see next step for more on this). It doesn’t have to be difficult, though. Just tell your partner you’d like to sit down and have a talk about the future — what your goals are and how you can work together, as a team, to achieve them. In the beginning, just start spitting out different things each of you wants — a house, kids, college education for the kids, a healthy emergency fund, nice cars, travel each year, nice clothes, gadgets and computers, etc. Then start to prioritize, and see if you can come up with things in common. If you want different things, it is important that you talk about why, and consider the other person’s desires. If that’s what makes the other person happy, you should want to make them happy — that’s the basis of a good relationship. But relationships aren’t one-sided, either, so you should be able to be happy too. The point is that both sides should be considered, and you should look for a win-win solution or compromise so that you can both be happy. It might take a few meetings to get to actual written goals, with a timeframe for each, but that’s where you want to be eventually.
Remove emotions from financial talk. From your first meetings about financial goals to your subsequent weekly talks (see Step 5), it’s important that the two of you stay calm, don’t get hurt or angry over any of the issues, and try to look at these issues objectively. Often financial issues are tied up in all kinds of emotional issues, stemming from childhood, from issues of security to feeling like your way is better to feeling hurt if your way of spending is criticized in any way, and much more. These emotional issues are all tangled together with financial issues, and it’s important that you untangle them and just deal with financial goals and habits. First, don’t use emotional, accusatory, or inflammatory language. Don’t blame the other person or even be negatively critical. Simply talk about your financial goals, developing a plan for getting to those goals, developing a system for dealing with finances, and so forth. Also try not to feel like you’re under attack if the other person talks about your goals or habits — let this be an open discussion, and if you feel under attack, stop and take a breath and remember that this isn’t a discussion about you personally but about how the two of you are going to meet your goals. Again, think of this as a team effort, not as a you-vs-me effort.
Come up with a plan to meet your goals. Once you’re able to come up with common financial goals (a huge step — celebrate!), you need a plan to get you there. This will take into account your joint income, your debt, your savings, how much you can put towards debt and/or saving each month, whether you want to cut back on certain things in order to meet your savings goals, how long you want to give yourself to meet financial goals, and so forth. Start by having a definite timeframe for each goal, and then figure out how much you need to save (or pay towards debt) each month to get to your goals. Create a spending plan (if you haven’t yet) for each month, and see if you can adjust it to meet that monthly goal. You might need to cut back on some things, or earn extra income, or both. Or you might discover that your goals aren’t realistic and you need to cut back on them, reprioritize, or push them back a bit in order to meet them. This plan to meet your goals is how you will align your daily and monthly spending with your long-term goals. It’s also a great way to resolve minor short-term disputes — you should definitely buy fewer shoes, and I should buy fewer video games, so we can buy that house in three years and travel to Europe in two years.
Develop a system for finances that works for both of you. In order to put your financial plan into action, you’ll need to figure out how you’re going to pay your bills, pay debt, deposit into savings, have money for various spending needs (like gas and groceries and eating out), and so forth. Someone will have to take responsibility for each part of the system (it’s better if you’re both involved, but you should find what works best for you as a couple). One person might go to the bank while the other updates your financial program (like Quicken or Money) or your checking register to make sure you’re in balance, for example.
Have weekly financial meetings. This is very important, and it’s a step that many couples overlook. Just because you have common financial goals and a plan and a system doesn’t mean that everything is fine. If one person takes responsibility for the finances, for example, and the other is out of the loop, then there will likely be problems down the road. I’ve known several couples like this — one partner took care of the finances and the other was blissfully ignorant … until it was revealed that they were way behind on payments and would soon have to file for bankruptcy. That wasn’t a good time in their relationship. To prevent problems like this, have a weekly meeting where you sit down and talk about finances. You can review your accounts, your spending plan, what is coming up in the next few weeks that you’ll need to budget for, any problem areas, what to do with your annual bonus, where you are with your goals, and so forth. Make sure you’re both caught up on everything, and that you’re working well as a team.
Above all, stay positive and be honest. Remember: you’re a team. You have the same goals and you want each other to be happy. Team members can help each other out and encourage each other, or they can rip the team apart by being negative, by blaming, by working against common goals. If you always stay positive, you’ll succeed as a team. Be encouraging, stay focused on solutions not blame, and make sure love is the foundation of everything you do.

“We can tell our values by looking at our checkbook stubs.” -Gloria Steinem

If you liked this article, please share it on del.icio.us, StumbleUpon or Digg. I’d appreciate it. :)

Posted on 1 June 2008 in Finance & Family |
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Comments (55)

The Daily Minder Says:

June 1st, 2008, 23:11 pm

All throughout my childhood my parents fought about money and it really weighed down on me. I think parents need to make a special effort to deal with money problems so that their children grow up with a health financial attitude.

Honesty is so important like you say but also realizing that not having heaps of money is not the end of the world. You still have each other, your health, etc.

Great post Leo. I am glad I have a partner who is relaxed about money and open to new ideas.

TDM

Vered - MomGrind Says:

June 1st, 2008, 23:25 pm

We used to fight about money too. I was always a “spender” and he was always a “saver”.

But over the years, I learned the value of frugality, and he learned that you only live once and that it’s OK to splurge on what’s important.

It does help that we generally agree on what’s “important”.

Sara Says:

June 1st, 2008, 23:47 pm

I would add that once you’ve aligned your values, be generous. Indulging each other on occasion (and according to your financial values) is a way to stay motivated as a team.

Edwin | Fitness Chapter Says:

June 1st, 2008, 23:47 pm

Well, My girlfriend and I have not reach the state whereby we will quarrel over money issues.

However, I somehow feel that I can relate to your post in the future, mainly because we have thought of living together. My parents quarrel over money so much that I myself have roughly come up with some ideas to prevent it from happening to me and my partner in the future. It is great that I can now have more points to add on from your list.

Edwin

Eeb Says:

June 2nd, 2008, 0:02 am

I’m totally with TDM and Edwin on this one. My parents constantly fought about money and it’s kinda screws up your childhood more than usual. But these tips are applicable to singles too. My uncle and his wife on the other hand are totally honest with each other and though they do make the wrong financial decision sometimes, they seem to recover very fast cos they work together. if I do get attached someday, i will most def be honest with the person. but these tips can easily be modified for singles too :).

Leo Says:

June 2nd, 2008, 0:14 am

You guys are totally right — you can modify every step in this post for singles. You still have to write out your financial goals, remove emotions from the equation, come up with a plan and a system to implement the plan, hold a weekly session to look at your finances, and remain positive.

Great point!

I think I just wrote about couples mainly because I’ve seen so many couples who are afraid to talk about finances, and their relationships have suffered immensely because of it.

Adam Sicinski - Study Matrix Art Says:

June 2nd, 2008, 0:27 am

Little successful financial habits successful financial habits can help to build the foundations of life long, fulfilling and loving relationships.

I believe that relationships are tested on two fronts as they mature and progress through their life cycle. The first testing ground is commitment integrated with honesty. Without an honest commitment to our relationships, we will struggle to find the fulfillment and happiness that we feel deserving of.

The second testing ground is very well put together within this post pertaining to finances finances. Our finances are essentially seperate components of our relationships, however because of the way that our society has been built and conditioned, they are in actuality the building blocks of long, healthy, strong and lasting life time relationships.

Thank you for this insightful article. It no doubt puts things into perspective and allows for greater flexibility and maturity that no doubt builds on many other aspects of our relationship with our partners.

Shari Says:

June 2nd, 2008, 0:59 am

My parents also fight about money all the time. It’s as if it’s a scarce commodity that they begrudge anyone else having any of. They even hassle my sister (who lives with them) about using a space heater because it adds $5 to the electric bill while both of my parents buy lots of unnecessary crap amounting to hundreds of dollars a month.

I have had serious emotional issues related to money because of my upbringing and had a fear reflex when even thinking about analyzing finances. Fortunately, I’ve learned to systematically desensitize myself to dealing with money. Neither my husband nor I are zealous spenders nor stingy savers, so we don’t have any issues. We have never fought about money despite never having discussed it because we have similar values.

I think if you’re on the same page about “stuff” and don’t derive emotional satisfaction or fulfillment from possessions, money issues are far less of a problem. The bottom line is that arguments occur when either or both parties want to waste money on junk too frequently.

As it is, I encourage my husband to buy new “toys” when the old ones break down because he so rarely buys such things and uses the old one until it is hopelessly outdated or totally unusable. I think you can respect each other’s desires for entertaining possessions if you feel the other party is thoughtful about money and possessions.

The Daily Minder Says:

June 2nd, 2008, 1:21 am

Isn’t it funny how something as trivial as money has scared so many children!

Sad.

TDM

Andrew is getting fit Says:

June 2nd, 2008, 3:06 am

I loved this article. I wish I’d read it before I got married as it would have made resolving some differences I’ve had with my wife easier. Having said that we’ve worked them out but this would have helped!

Improve Your Mind Says:

June 2nd, 2008, 3:40 am

I would agree with #1 here - be generous. Sometimes it requires a bit if forbearance, but I was able to avoid money fight in my relationship so far.

Daniel Richard | WE Says:

June 2nd, 2008, 4:02 am

Interestingly, I was talking to a couple of friends online about the topic on finances and how we have our own plans for saving, how are we going to increase our income, and financial goals.

The points you have there are crystal clear and applies to singles like me here too. Thanks Leo for sharing this!

Daniel

Mags | Woo-Woo Wisdom Says:

June 2nd, 2008, 5:24 am

Some excellent tips, Leo. My husband and I have been fortunate in that our life goals (and hence our financial ones) have always been aligned. Add to that the fact that we’re able to discuss finances openly and honestly with each other (we actually do practice all of what you wrote about), and the result is that we’ve never had a fight over money.

Chris Austria Says:

June 2nd, 2008, 9:16 am

This is really a tough one. I have friends who have a lot of money but still find ways to argue about money with their spouses.

My wife usually don’t fight over money because we have none but when we do have disagreements, it’s usually about money.

I like #5. I never really considered this one. There’s real valuu on having weekly financial meeting. But most important is number #6, to stay positive.

One thing to remember is that unless someone in the partnership is actually wasting money, then there should be an understanding that each person in the partnership is doing his or her best to contribute to the family finance regardless of the amount of the contribution.

BTW, I just finished paying the bills yesterday and my wife understood the emotions I was going through because she was in charge of the family finance for a couple of years. While I was writing out the checks and paying online. My wife came to me and gave me a kiss and a hug. It made the bill paying a lot manageable.

Roboarmy Says:

June 2nd, 2008, 9:24 am

I think if one where to remember that it is the families money and not the individuals then it helps one to be in a frame of mind to accomplish these steps. Even if it is just two people they are a family and everyone in the family actually makes sacrifices to allow the family to recieve a pay check or income. That means it is the families money that does not mean to split it up evenly but quite the opposite to pool it together for the greatest good.90% of the income my family earns comes from my employer but it is not mine alone to spend.

A seperate thing that helps us is when ever a purchase above a certain limit (US$20 in our case) has to be made we must contact the other person and discuss it with them first prior to purchasing it. This generally stops most impulse buying and wasteful spending right then.

LivSimpl Says:

June 2nd, 2008, 9:25 am

Another great post, Leo. While my wife and I rarely argue about finances (can’t think of the last time we did) I think it would be good for us to formalize our approach to finances a little more. Thanks for the tip!

Corey - Simple Marriage Project Says:

June 2nd, 2008, 9:42 am

I love the point about being positive and honest. It is the only way to truly working together towards financial and even life goals. If money discussions are clouded in deception, you harm yourself more than your spouse. Being honest requires you to grow up in the relationship. In the long run, you’re better off, so is your spouse. You may not have a plasma TV, but your life and marriage will be better.

Caroline Says:

June 2nd, 2008, 10:01 am

I really like the suggestion about a weekly meeting. I handle the majority of our financial transactions and it is easy for my husband to feel out of the loop.
We have found 3 things to help:
1. online banking so we can both check the balance quickly and easily (and no paperwork for ID theft)
2. a monthly, budgeted cash allowance for each of us. I can spend money on paint, canvases and brushes without feeling guilty! This is easier to track in the form of cash.
3. a budget. Which I guess is really effective because we meet monthly and decide what big items we need to spend money on in the next month (short-term goal setting).

Ryan McLean Says:

June 2nd, 2008, 10:17 am

this is PERFECT for me
I am looking to get married in the next year and to combine my finances with my then to be wife
This post helps heaps
It is a great for me as I run a financial blog, and I write about all these financial matters. This material would really relate to my readers

Marc and Angel Hack Life Says:

June 2nd, 2008, 10:18 am

I think honesty really is the #1 key. If you aren’t being honest with yourself and your spouse about your financial circumstances and needs, the rest of the plan will just fall apart.

etavitom Says:

June 2nd, 2008, 10:38 am

having weekly meetings is always a great idea! thanks for another wise post leo….

Gates VP Says:

June 2nd, 2008, 10:42 am

Sit down and talk about financial goals and values.

Thank you for putting first things first. In my experience, this is the #1 problem that both singles and couples have. I’ll add “write down your thoughts”, give yourself(ves) something to which you can commit.

We North Americans love to complain and I think that lack of financial goals and values is what drives this attitude. It’s easy to complain about rising gas prices, the increased cost of housing or a myriad of other things. But at some point we have to acknowledge our role in the process and acknowledge that we are active decision-makers in our financial fate. When you choose to live in costly urban settings and spend 80 minutes in your car 5 days / week, one has to assume that you’ve made this decision actively and with a careful mind to the risks involved (i.e.: gas prices).

And if you haven’t, then today is as good a day as any to take stock of your life and start working on Big Problem #2.

Big problem #2 (again in my experience) seems to be the “feedback cycle”.

…see if you can adjust it [monthly spending plan] to meet that monthly goal

The classic method of devising these spending plans is the same as the “new year’s fitness” plan. People try to fix everything at once (8 hours / week at the gym, new diet, new sleep routine, etc), rather than the “Zen Habits” approach. Healthy finances take months and years to create. It’s all about starting somewhere and building out.

So start “somewhere”. Figure out what type of life you want to live and then figure out if you can realistically live that live. If you can’t, it’s time to roll with the punches and make changes.

Thanks for the great post Leo.

robert frome Says:

June 2nd, 2008, 10:54 am

I’ve always had a “Field of Dreams” mentality towards money. If you spend it, more will come. Pay yourself first, (401k, savings, or whatever), pay your bills, then blow the rest on each other and the family. You can’t spend it when your gone.

Laurie Says:

June 2nd, 2008, 11:30 am

The hub and I have established pretty good roles in the some of our marriage, finances being on of them. He is the business finance guy so he is the leader in this area. While he confers with me on the major decisions, I will go along with what he wants to do. I am not educated much in red and black. He lets me know generally how we are doing money wise and what I need to do in response. This works out well because he is very responsible with money and I trust him. He is open and informative. Without him being responsible and trustworthy, it wouldn’t work out.

Andre Kibbe Says:

June 2nd, 2008, 11:31 am

I’ve definitely run into trouble by not talking about my sense of frugality openly. I would just say things like “I hate spending money,” but would go into detail with specific examples. The problem comes when we have very different ideas of what kinds are expenditures are frivolous.

Now, when I’m in a relationship and I see an example of what I consider good or bad financial behavior, I’ll make a remark about it to start a conversation about the underlying values, which makes it easier to talk about financial concerns in the future.

James Says:

June 2nd, 2008, 12:01 pm

Excellent article, very fitting for anyone in a relationship. Finances are more important that we like to admit. Compromise and honesty are vastly important issues, especially if you have differing money spending habits. Finding out your partner is in tons of debt and has kept it from you is a relationship killer.

James,
Organize IT

SpaceAgeSage Says:

June 2nd, 2008, 12:09 pm

My husband and I have learned 1) you can get by with less than you thought, 2) everyone will have bust and boom cycles in their life, so don’t see tough times as something unexpected, and 3) the marriage is more important than the money.

I told him when we married that even if we had to live in a tent with just a bicycle for transportation, I would still want to be his wife. Fortunately, we haven’t become that broke, but it makes our relationship better knowing our love is stronger than hard times.

Journey Says:

June 2nd, 2008, 12:38 pm

Totally off-topic for today’s post, but I had to say that I finally made the “Best Soup Ever” and it’s awesome!

Took about 1/2 hour to make and the whole family loved it. And we’re not vegetarians, but loved it anyway.

Briana Says:

June 2nd, 2008, 12:45 pm

Money is the number one argument between my husband and I; it’s so frustrating because just when I think everything’s out in the open and we’ve resolved it all, a new issue presents itself a couple months later and we fight again. So it’s good to be reminded of good money habits like the ones above.

Regarding the comments about parents who fought about money, mine didn’t fight at all. They didn’t discuss money in front of me, period, and I grew up financially ignorant about how money worked. As a teenager, I couldn’t have even told you if they made $10,000 a year or $100,000, because I had no clue what it took to make a living. I think that’s contributed a bit to my financial problems now, because I expect everything to fall into place without thinking or talking about it.

So my point is this: having parents who don’t fight about money doesn’t mean you won’t either, it’s having parents who are open with their children about good financial habits.

rick Says:

June 2nd, 2008, 14:18 pm

Words to live by. I’ve been blessed in that my girlfriend and I have the same goals and same philosophies concerning money and where we want to be. The biggest thing to enter into any financial conversation with your spouse is honesty. Be perfectly honest about your goals. If you disagree on a point or what the next goal is then step back to review their needs. Why is it important to them? Chances are you will re-enter the conversation with a much better perspective.

Shelly Says:

June 2nd, 2008, 15:31 pm

Great article. My husband has chosen to handle much of the bills and our accounts, and I like the idea of a meeting so that we’re both in the loop.

One thing that has worked very well for us is our budget, which we do weekly. We actually keep the main numbers on a white board on our refrigerator. We have one area for food/other essentials, one for gas, and a column for each of us called “fun money.” The fun money columns are to allow us each our own spending money — we can spend it however we want on things for ourselves, which prevents arguing about the occasional frivolous purchase. We keep the numbers on the whiteboard updated so we can instantly see when we need to stop spending. The weekly allotment numbers for each column were determined after we figured out how much needed to be set aside for bills and how much we wanted to be able to put in a savings account.

Simon Hill Says:

June 2nd, 2008, 15:41 pm

A tough post for me to open up. I knew it was going to confront me. It did but now I feel challenged and inspired. My wife and I don’t fight about money hardly at all because it’s never been something that we’ve spoken about. This has been the problem. The unspoken. The assumed. Dangerous ground and not surprisingly littered with negative consequences. Recently we have been trying to communicate about finances more frequently and openly. It is happening and it does draw us closer. We’ve got a long way to go and these six steps will help enormously. In fact they will serve as the basis of our next conversation!

Simon

Jonathan B. Says:

June 2nd, 2008, 16:06 pm

Great post. Like anything else in a relationship, being open and communicating with your partner honestly about money is the way to go. I remember hearing that money problems are one of the main causes of divorce. These pieces of paper have so much power!

Jeff@My Super-Charged Life Says:

June 2nd, 2008, 17:15 pm

I believe the steps you detailed above are absolutely essential to winning with money. They can also save your marriage from financial disaster and divorce. It is essential that a couple discusses their expectations and come to a mutual agreement about how to handle their finances. I think that so many couples put their heads in the sand and try to ignore money matters all together. It can be a difficult topic to discuss, but one that absolutely needs attention.

Zenplease Says:

June 2nd, 2008, 18:29 pm

Ah yes, couples and finances. The tips you provided are great! I will recommend them to a friend of mine who could probably put them to use.

Here is a recent post I wrote about 20 things to do when you are stressed. http://zenplease.com/

Liara Covert Says:

June 2nd, 2008, 18:58 pm

Views about money change with time and life experience. If you are fortunate enough to lose everything, you learn what it means to gain everything, and more.

Dr. Nicole Sundene Says:

June 2nd, 2008, 20:54 pm

This is great and I am sending it out to all my married friends! It seems that the most that they all fight about is finances. Thanks for the very excellent as per usual advice!

Rachel Says:

June 2nd, 2008, 21:03 pm

This is fantastic- I completely agree that you must remove all emotions from talk of finances. There are some thing you just don’t mix. I love your blog, keep it up!

Kevin Says:

June 2nd, 2008, 21:17 pm

Leo (or anybody else!),

I love advice like this. I want to start following a financial advice column, but I’m not big on investing or tracking Wall Street. Do you have any suggestions? I’m just a year out of college and trying to get some good info for starting off my life on the right track. Thanks for all the great advice & inspiration so far!

alitta Says:

June 3rd, 2008, 5:58 am

Wow thats totally right! I just couldn’t agree more. Thanks for sharing :D

Mary@GoodlifeZen Says:

June 3rd, 2008, 7:58 am

Great article!

I think the most important warning sign that the financial situation in the relationship is causing difficulties is a feeling of resentment.

Resentment is a sign that we have let our personal boundaries be overstepped.

Juice Mag Says:

June 3rd, 2008, 10:04 am

More money more problems! Better not to have nay… just pass it onto me :)

Shilpan | successsoul.com Says:

June 3rd, 2008, 10:21 am

I read that most marraiges are failing due to the lack of harmony between partners about their financial goal. So true. First step is to define what brings happiness to both partners and the children. A budget has to be developed and adhere to to gauge the discipline while making sure that family still enjoys life in harmony. Great article..

Shilpan

Julie Says:

June 3rd, 2008, 14:27 pm

My parents never really discussed money, but we somehow always knew what things we could ask for, and what were completely out of the question. I was happily surprised when I found out that my parents were retiring a bit early - they’ve now been retired 20 years.
Question - at what point should you involve your children in these financial meetings? You don’t want them worrying; you don’t want them blowing your family goals; and you want them to be educated about money as well.

Chica Dificil Says:

June 3rd, 2008, 18:19 pm

I truly dig the idea of weekly financial meetings. As a Latina feminista, I ended up giving up all responsiblity of the finances once I got married. It was easy to do given the responsibilities I had as a new mother. But it did cause a lot of problems later.

I am now divorced (not due to $ tho) but these are excellent tips for me a single part-time mother! Thank you.

http://chicadificil.com/

Rose Garden Says:

June 3rd, 2008, 22:30 pm

My ex and I used to fight about money all the time - we just didn’t ever talk about it. Or, rather, we fought because of money, but not about the money itself…

I think it’s great advice to keep emotions out of discussions about money, and also to keep in mind that there are often deep-seated emotional roots to each other’s attitudes and behaviors regarding money. It helps when you know your own, as you work through these issues as a couple.

It also helps being married to or coupled with the right person. Someone willing to work through problems collaboratively, intelligently, with self-awareness and sensitivity.

Maura Says:

June 3rd, 2008, 23:02 pm

I grew up in a house with parents in “traditional roles” - man takes care of the money as breadwinner and bookkeeper, and woman spends it as homemaker and hubby’s hunny. My mother acted as though blank checks were simply dollars without a denomination pre-printed on them, and that credit cards were “free money” - my father had the monumental balancing act / task of trying to cover her spending and still pay the bills.

Both thought there was not enough money - her to buy stuff, him to pay the bills and save a little, but neither wanted her to work. Due to their very disparate backgrounds, their ideas about when to buy something sounded the same (”Do you need it?”) but the meaning behind it was incredibly different. (Her: “Do you want it?” Him: “Can you survive without it?”)

As you talk about finances with your spouse, I suggest discussing what values and skills you want to pass on to your kids, both by example and by teaching.

Miss Gisele B Says:

June 4th, 2008, 11:11 am

Its all about money,honey! i totally agree with this and also that to sit down and discuss finances with you better half not creates a comfortable living but a better understanding as well.

Miss Gisele B

Socks for Happy People Says:

June 4th, 2008, 13:33 pm

It could be said that money is just a form of energy, and should be treated as such.

I recently heard about a different type of economy where currency devalues constantly (to over simplify it) to promote the constant flow of wealth and discourages hoarding. Argh! Wish I could remember the name for it!

Dreamfan Says:

June 5th, 2008, 11:26 am

A lot of people have small businesses they run out of their house… I think it’s important to also keep that information and accounts separate from personal

Assetologist Says:

June 7th, 2008, 23:57 pm

Fantastic Post!

Your thoughts and organization are very thoughtful.

In the small business of a marriage (not meant to be callous:)
partners must figure out a system of financial control that works for them. We all bring unique intricacies into a relationship that may either conflict or worse feed off of one another while moving toward financial disaster rather than freedom.

I will place a link to this post at Assetologist.com.

Thanks for sharing.

Andrew Scotchmer Says:

June 9th, 2008, 8:44 am

Hi, another great post and so timely with the world-wide credit crunch going on. Many families today are suffering with increased food and fuel prices, not to mention interests rates (I live in the UK).

In my home my wife and I have a brilliant system to stop the household finances interferring in our happy relationship.

She tells me what I can spend:)

I live in the "Matrix" Says:

July 26th, 2008, 12:29 pm

My boyfriend and I are living together and have decided to keep our finances separate.We go dutch on essentials and groceries- so far this has kept keeping track of our financial responsibilities simple, and has created a greater sense of awareness.

The issue we are having now is that my boyfriend has spiraled into major debt and is at this moment being threatened to lose any assets he has to cover the debt.He is depressed most days and we argues frequently about his attitude towards spending. When his children would come to visit us from a city 3 hrs away, his character shifted to Disneyland Dad and now that we’ve agreed this is not a positive impression for the children, he suffers from guilt for not feeling like he’s enough.The reality is that his negative attitude towards money is putting a huge strain on our relationship. Athough we are completely open and honest about our
financial situations the emotion behind it is overwhelming.
Because money is attached to material gain i believe he has an attachment to money = failure or success, and in my opinion its all just a form of energy-some are more skilled at molding it than others but its a poor description of who someone is. Not all wealthy people have morals.
The depression has set in… what do you say to a man who feels like a child?

Gates VP Says:

July 28th, 2008, 12:25 pm

@Matrix, I honestly think the telling quote is this one: My boyfriend and I are living together and have decided to keep our finances separate.

You’ll live together, but split groceries? That’s a trust issue right there. Obviously, he’s not proving trustworthy. But is that b/c he’s untrustworthy or b/c he doesn’t feel worthy of trust and he’s just “acting out”?

You said it money = energy and money = time. But these little slips of paper are also inherently just forms of trust, so money = trust.

So now the question is “why is he in debt”? Who knows, but it’s probably worth asking him directly, heck write it down and give him a few days to think it over, he probably needs the time, it’s a complex question.

In the meanwhile, you as his partner, can best help by providing him trust, time and energy. You don’t even need to give him your actual money, giving him these other things will help him to pull himself out, because these things are “equal to” money.

Simple stuff like trusting him with small tasks (and thanking him) may sound condescending, but they’re important. If he’s overweight, do something to help him lose weight (debt and excess weight seem to come from the same place). Figure out how long this debt will take to pay back (do the math with him if necessary) and then understand put that into a “time” perspective. Appreciate that he will be paying off debt (and likely limiting your activities) for some number of months. Communicate this time and let go of the resentment that is typically attached.

Hopefully that’s a start, YMMV.