Photo courtesy of Vered and her daughter How To Be A Great Mom – 12 Awesome Tips
Editor’s note: This is a guest post by Vered of MomGrind.
I’m a mom.
I am also a woman, a wife, a daughter, and a friend.
Recently I started blogging. As it turns out, I am a writer too.
I am wearing many hats and doing so is not always easy. I was grateful to discover this article by Leo, where he shares useful tips on how to be a great dad. When I read Leo’s article, I was curious: do these tips apply to moms? Can I incorporate his advice into my own life?
Obviously, a great mom loves her kids, takes care of their basic physical and emotional needs, and spends quality time with them. But what are the subtler, less obvious ways to become a great mom?
1. Stay true to yourself. You don’t have to give up your own passions and interests once you become a mom. It’s important that you find time for what YOU love to do. Reading, writing, exercising – make these a priority and find a way to incorporate those into your routine. Easier said than done, I know, but you should at least aim to keep doing what you love, even if you don’t get to do it as often as before. If you take care of your own needs, you will be happier and will function better as a mom.
2. Don’t be a martyr. The kids didn’t ask for it, they don’t need it, and they certainly don’t need to pay the price that comes with being mothered by a martyr. Need some time alone? Let the kids watch TV for an hour and go read a book. Feel like you haven’t had adult interaction in ages? Leave them with Dad for the evening and make plans to have dinner with a friend. Getting to the point where you are utterly exhausted is not good for you or for your kids.
3. Don’t try to be perfect. This is true for life in general, and is a major personal goal of mine, regardless of motherhood. Striving for perfection is always a bad idea, because life is messy and unpredictable and full of surprises. Trying to create perfection, or to maintain complete control, is simply impossible and should never be your goal. Once you become a mom, life is messier and crazier than ever before, so it’s more important than ever to let go of that perfectionism. You need to accept that the house will sometimes be untidy, that once in a while dinner will be takeout, and that the kids will sometimes have to entertain themselves while you recharge and regroup.
4. Ditch the guilt. Guilt seems to be one of the most common side effects of motherhood. A friend once told me that she feels guilt every single day. I too am often guilty of feeling guilty. But I am working on it: guilt is unhelpful and a terrible waste of time and energy. Once you make a decision, whether a major one like staying at home vs. going back to work, or a small one like allowing the kids to play a computer game while you have some time for yourself, try to avoid second-guessing yourself. You are doing the best that you can. No one is perfect, and you are not expected to be a perfect mom or to never make mistakes. As long as you love them and provide their basic needs, your kids will turn out fine. Really.
5. Be Patient. Raising kids is hard work. Kids are noisy, messy and incredibly demanding. Yes, you will lose your patience once in a while. I do. But for the most part, try to take a deep breath and see them for the small, helpless people that they are. I am not a patient person by nature, but motherhood has taught me to be more patient than I ever thought I could possibly be.
6. Listen to your children. REALLY listen. This is a tough one for me, but I keep trying. We tend to assume that we know more than our kids do, which is true to some extent of course, so we don’t really bother to listen. In addition, we often act as problem-solvers, dishing immediate advice, when all they need is for us to listen to them. A couple of months ago, my 8 years old told me about problems she was having with friends at school. I immediately offered a solution, and it was obvious she was disappointed. She wasn’t looking for a solution. She simply wanted me to listen.
7. Be their mom, not their friend. Set limits. In a way, it was easy for previous generations. Parents were parents. Kids were kids. Families were patriarchal. Everyone listened and obeyed to the father. Now, families are democratic. We negotiate, talk things over, and listen to each other. We make important decisions together. This is great, but kids still need us to be their parents and set clear limits. We should listen to them and respect them – but we are not their peers. When I was a pre-teen, I used to snap at my mom, “I’m not going to be your friend anymore!” She would look at me calmly and respond, “Well, you are NOT my friend. You are my daughter”. It used to drive me crazy, but she was right. Our job is to be our kids’ mothers – not their friends.
8. Teach them simplicity. You will do them a big – a HUGE – favor, if you teach them at a young age to avoid associating happiness with the accumulation of material possessions. The younger they are, the more likely they are to listen to you, so start early. My kids are 6 and 8, and I often feel that now is the time to instill my values in them, before they are teens (or pre-teens) and peer pressure takes over. When it’s time to declutter, I allow my daughters to be part of the process, and we talk about how we don’t need all that STUFF. We never go shopping as a fun outing. They know that shopping is a necessary evil, something that you do when you really NEED something. Instead of buying books, we borrow books at the library. We reuse as much as we can. Together, we take pride in living in a clean, airy, uncluttered home.
9. Don’t push them too hard. I was raised as an overachiever, and I can testify from my own experience that overachieving does NOT lead to happiness. I do want my kids to be successful. I want them to reach their full potential and to be financially secure. But I am trying not to push them too hard and to maintain a relatively relaxed approach to success at school and to after-school enrichment activities.
10. Teach them self-esteem. I am borrowing this one from Leo’s list, because it is so important. In fact, I agree with Leo that high self-esteem is the single most important gift that a parent can give their kids. A person with a high self-esteem values herself and will not get into, or stay in, an abusive relationship. A person with high self-esteem is more likely to be happy and to reach her full potential. How do you teach your kids self-esteem? Exactly the way Leo said: by showing them that you value them, by spending time with them, and by talking with them and listening to them.
11. Teach them to be self-reliant. Another one that I struggle with every day. It’s very tempting to help your children in a way that robs them of the opportunity to help themselves. At every developmental stage your child reaches, she can do things by herself. If you do them for her, you are not really helping her, but rather holding her back. Gently teach her independence and let her do what she can do, and what is appropriate for her to do, by herself. The sense of accomplishment that comes with being independent is immensely important for a child. I once read in Penelope Leach’s book something that left a huge impression on me: good parents work themselves out of the picture – slowly. As much as I like to feel needed, I try to let my kids be as independent and self-sufficient as they possibly can. Ever so slowly, I am working myself out of the picture.
12. Laugh and have fun! When you’re a mom, it’s easy to become so absorbed in the logistics of taking care of your kids – what Leo refers to as the “mom stuff” - that you forget to relax and have fun. But kids are fun. They give you a wonderful opportunity to be a child all over again, and to do things that you never thought you would do as an adult (jumping in puddles is so much fun!) and see the world through their innocent, curious eyes. Haven’t noticed interesting insects and colorful butterflies in several years? You are going to start noticing them again once you have kids.
So, are the lists any different? They’re different in some way, and similar in others. While both emphasize being good to your kids and to yourself, my list places more emphasis on the “be good to yourself” part. I think that the biggest mistake dads make is that they become so absorbed in their careers that they do not spend enough time with their families. The biggest mistake moms make, in my opinion, is that they become so absorbed in their families that they do not spend enough time on their own passions. Leo’s list helps dads find their balance. My list, hopefully, helps moms find theirs.
Whether you’re a parent or not, how many hats are YOU wearing? Do you have any tips for doing it all and keeping your sanity? Do you ever feel guilty because you are not giving 100% to any single aspect of your life?
Read more from Vered at her blog, MomGrind (or subscribe to her feed).
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- Posted on 22 July 2008 in Finance & Family |
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Comments (111)
Nathalie Lussier Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 0:33 am
Although I’m not a mom yet I think this list was really useful. Some of these make me think of the way my mom raised me and I am thankful that she knew to do some things instinctively.
Thanks for the good tips Vered, I am definitely going to keep them in mind for when the time comes. ;)
henriette weber kristiansen Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 0:36 am
Hi, great list - it includes all of the things I try teaching my 4 year old. We really have a great mom/daughter relationship and she’s such a sweetie..
However I think you could add “open your childs eyes to the world” to the list - I love doing different times of projects with my daugther and try to engage in new things everyday
Sara at On Simplicity Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 1:04 am
Vered,
You’re awesome! I’m not a mom, but can testify to the power of what a great mom can do. I love that you included the idea of teaching simplicity. It really is a learned skill. And while my mom didn’t actively tell me to lay off the material goods, good times were rarely equated with “stuff” in my family. (Our vacations typically revolved around getting away from stuff.)
And I couldn’t agree more with not pushing kids too hard. The greatest blessing my mom (and dad) gave me was room to screw up, make mistakes, or simply fade into the crowd once in a while.
theramblinghousewife Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 1:16 am
I like that the first 4 tips have to do with taking care of yourself–This is impossible for most moms to do. It goes against our nature–we are hardwired to put the children first–always–
But I believe I’m a better Mom, when I take time to recharge myself–Then I can give my kids all of me–and be completely “present,” during the time that I spend with them.
Scott McIntyre Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 1:18 am
Excellent advice on being a fab mom, Vered.
It must be a little like being a juggler, having to balance all the conflicting demands made on you.
I bet you’re a groovy kinda mom to your kids!
Ann at One Bag Nation Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 1:54 am
Hi Vered - what a great photo!
You know I’m struggling to keep it all balanced, take care of myself, not feel guilty, etc. We moms tend to be pretty hard on ourselves sometimes, but I’d rather be a role model who exudes confidence, happiness, health, and fun!
Vered Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 1:57 am
@ Everyone: Thank you so much for your comments. I’m really glad you like this article. It’s different from what I usually do and so was lots of fun to write. Thank you, Leo, for the opportunity.
@ henriette: I agree and will add that often, my kids, with their natural curiosity, open MY eyes to new and different things.
Jennie Rosenbaum Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 2:01 am
thankyou. I am about to become a new mom and I am terrified. afraid of being bad at being a mom. I don’t have the instincts and above all I don’t have patience. my mother raised me as an overachiever perfectionist with very low self esteem and the last thing I want is for my children to grow up like that. and I don’t want to lose who I am and my passions just because I am a mother. I have seen so many people I know and love lose themselves to their children. thankyou for saying it’s ok to want to be yourself. thankyou for making it sound do-able. and thankyou for making me feel less alone. I don’t feel as scared now!
Barbara Swafford Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 2:05 am
Vered,
Such great tips. By practicing all (or most) of them, you are also teaching your children by example. Girls will grow up and emulate their moms, and will also know it’s not good to be a doormat. Boys grow up realizing women need to be respected. It becomes a win-win.
BTW: I love the Jackie-O glasses. That’s a very sweet photo of you and your daughter.
Alik | PracticeThis.com Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 2:09 am
Vered!
Great list - perfectly applies to daddies too ;).
Thanks for sharing.
alikl
Marelisa Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 2:17 am
What a beautiful post! I think that by taking care of yourself, as you take care of your daughters, they’ll learn to do the same for themselves when they grow up and have children of their own someday (if that’s what they choose to do). And that photograph is great :-)
Heather Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 2:18 am
Great article!
All common sense stuff. Most of it easier said than done but heck, anything worth doing is never easy :)
#6. Listen to your children …. I tell new parents/mom this one all the time. I’ve 2 grown boys and 1 18month old so people ask me all the time what I plan to do differently this time. I prefer to tell them what I will do the same. Listen to your children and then shut up. Talk with your children not TO them. and You should never have “a talk” with your children (thinking of “the sex talk” “the dont drink and drive talk” “the you must obey the rules or else talk”…. ) the talk should happen all the time, every day and should just be part of the conversation that you are having WITH your children.
Robin Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 2:37 am
Hi Vered - good stuff!
I like the way you say “They give you a wonderful opportunity to be a child all over again” - so many people don’t realise how much having kids does for them.
Nice to see a photo of your daughter! - Robin
Al at 7P Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 2:44 am
Hi Vered - this is a great list. Agreed with Alik… very much applicable to dads as well.
Justin Hernandez Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 2:44 am
Vered, great post!! So true don’t be your child’s friend - they have to respect you. Kids need balance and not extremes. Great tips for any current parents and parents to be.
It’s awesome to know someone who loves being a parent. Some people just shouldn’t have kids. All they are doing is creating little ones who will grow up with a sea of emotional issues. Your kids are very lucky to have such a great mom as yourself. Thanks for sharing. :)
Brie Dodson Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 2:51 am
Reading through the first several comments, I thought I was probably too middle-aged to add anything relevant; and then I came to Heather’s post. Yes!
My four gentlemen are 26, 24, 8, and 6. Despite my great inadequacy, the elder two have grown into kind, intelligent, impressive men. Their juniors are well on the way. I cannot agree more with Heather’s comment, “Talk with your children not TO them.” It’s probably my leftover hippie-ness at play, but when I was growing up, the people who really meant a lot to me were the adults who treated me as peers (or so I thought). And so I have always kept that in mind with my own children.
It is a tremendous disservice to ever talk down to one’s child. They are perceptive and wondrously intelligent beings, and as early-childhood psychology books will tell you, the emotions children experience are every bit as strong and powerful - just as overwhelming, and sometimes just as long-lasting - as an adult’s. Talk to them as adults (taking into account, with kindness, that they are also still children); respect their independence of mind; honor their capacity for clear thinking and good judgment; and make sure they know how much they mean to you and to the world around them. If a child knows for sure that he is irreplaceable in his parents’ eyes, he will take good care of himself and those around him.
Recommendations #1 through 4 in Vered’s essay had me cringing, only because I’m from a generation particularly sensitive (with good reason) to gender-role prescriptions. (Suffice it to say that even at my last office job, which I held in my late 30s, things changed in a bad way when, after I’d spent many months on the job in an upper-level professional position, my boss finally saw me using the computer and realized how fast I could type.) I’m told that I’m the last such generation - things really are different nowadays. If that’s true, it would be wonderful. Sigh.
By #6, though, Vered had me going: “Listen to your children. REALLY listen.”
There is no more important thing that you, as a parent, can do.
Sandier Pastures Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 3:00 am
These are all great tips Vered, thank you very much. I so agree with taking care of myself first, to be a better person so I can be a better mom. I often see that if I have unmet needs and/or unresolved issues of myself, I become a little tight, often lacking patience towards my child.
I hope all moms read this!
Journeyer Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 3:17 am
This is great advice. I’m struggling with number 1 at the moment (in fact I have a post scheduled on my blog tomorrow morning about it). I totally agree with the having fun tip. It’s so easy to get focussed on the day to day and forget to enjoy the little things. Let kids be kids, and try being one yourself once in a while :-)
One thing I would add that sort of relates to the “don’t try to be perfect” tip is let the small things slide. For instance, it is of no consequence if once in a while you and the kids stay in PJ’s until lunchtime, when you have no other plans; or if the beds aren’t made until 4 in the afternoon (or at all sometimes - shock, horror!)
Leo Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 3:33 am
I’m glad everyone seemed to enjoy Vered’s guest post! As one commenter pointed out, these are great “dad” tips as well, but I’m so glad to get the perspective of a mom.
Thanks, Vered, for the excellent post, and thanks for all the great comments so far!
Carrie Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 4:13 am
Really excellent post. I struggle with the guilt every single day. I really do need to let it go. Thanks for the great advice!
Ryan @ Smarter Wealth Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 7:04 am
Well one day I will be a dad. Am I still allowed to use some of this advice?
Beck Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 7:23 am
A good article. I think that just to add to this list the most important thing I have being a parent is to treat my children how I would like to be treated. This extends to not yelling at them (instead a few deep breathes) although stern voice is often used. Also it often helps to realize that kids always do things for a reason… a little bit of thinking and the reason can become obvious.
chris Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 7:34 am
Hi Vered,
I’m very happy that you’re guest posting here at Zen Habits. As you know, I haven’t posted and commented in over a week because of my busy 2-week vacation/business schedule. But I decided to break the silence to lend my support.
#4, #10, and #11 are great pointers for dads as well. Sometimes parents fail to be effective parents because they feel guilty about a lot of things that they do or don’t do and as a result they forget or they stop disciplining their children in order to alleviate their guilt. And of course, teaching your children how to be self-reliant as a true test of a successful parentage because we all know that we can’t be there all the time to guide and nurture them.
To a parent from a parent, great job!
Evelyn Lim | Attraction Mind Map Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 8:03 am
Hi Vered, excellent tips! I like the tip about not feeling guilty best. Sometimes I feel guilty that I’m on the web and not playing with my two girls. I try to make it up by arranging outings where I’d be away from my laptop.
Stumbled and dugg!
Evelyn
Zendad Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 8:15 am
Yup, I’m just going to chime in here and add that they’re great “parenting” tips that apply to both mom and dad. Great post Vered! Every now and then we need a post like such as a gentle reminder and a point in the right direction. We get so busy parenting that sometimes it can be done on autopilot, we need to think about it more.
Zendad
http://www.zendad.net
Lisa | Holistic Treatment for Depression Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 8:39 am
I love this post because it reminds me that parenting — like marriage — is a spiritual path. Our children show us how necessary balance is, as these steps so beautifullly point out. What a gift to experience the relationship consciously. Thanks Vered for a great post!
CharlesP Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 8:48 am
Nice list Vered. Thanks for the reminders. I think it’s easy for people to see a list like this and say “oh I know all these things”, and miss the point. At least for ME, I take the point of these sort of lists to be, not teach me something new, but to remind me of the important things I already learned, but have let slide.
I think my wife and I are finding the “be the parent, not the friend” thing harder as our eldest (11) gets older. He’s growing up to be somebody who, while still an eleven year old boy with all the fart noises and silly humor that comes with that, we actually have a fair bit in common with and he’s bright enough to carry on a mature conversation on those subjects. While I’d like to think it’s due to good parenting, most of it is probably genetic, and as I like both of the people responsible for those genes… Well it’s easy to forget that he’s still just a kid sometimes, at least until he goes into one of those sullen pre-pubescent “I wanna play video games all summer” moods. His little brother (almost 5) has enough issues of his own that it’s much easier to separate the parenting from the friend, and his little sister (2.5) has so much attitude in her that she won’t let you forget that she needs parenting. It’s the GOOD kid who makes you (or at least me) forget sometimes.
The other one that’s a tough lesson (for us) us simplicity. My family is a bunch of hoarders and pack rats (and messy ones at that), and my wife (while MUCH cleaner) moved around so much as a kid that she’s got a deep sentimental attachment to things that remind her of places and people. Oh, and I’m addicted to books like Paris Hilton is to attention… but it’s a HEALTHY addiction, no really. It’s tough to let go of the “stuff” (though I’ve been through the Peter Walsh book “It’s all too much” and we’re trying to implement it, really).
Thanks for the post Vered, and thanks for letting her do it Leo.
Kennedy Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 8:53 am
Why do people with children act like they’re the first people to ever have to parent in the entire history of mankind?
mary Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 9:09 am
Thanks for the post on this topic near to my heart. I will add I think one of the most important thing you can do as a parent is put your marriage first. Too many people have child-focused homes. Showing my children how to be in a loving marriage is one of the best gifts I can give them. It is important for them to seeing us work on our relationship. It makes them secure to see a mom and dad that really care about each other. Also, eat meals together as a family. I know every night is tough - but aim at several times a week. Maybe this means giving up soccer or music lessons. But in the long run, it matters more. Also, don’t forget your kids are not “mini-mes” - they have their own dreams.
CrazyKinux Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 9:27 am
A great list that, as was mentioned in the above comments, certainly applies also to dads out there.
As a dad myself, I try to stay true to these principles as much as I can.
Laugh and Have Fun is something today’s moms and dads tend to forget as we rush through life.
CK
Writer Dad Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 9:39 am
Hi Vered,
Great post. My wife already reads your blog and we both read Leo’s. This morning we got to hold hands and read your words while sharing a cup of coffee and smiling in agreement.
Thanks.
Dot H. Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 9:46 am
What a nice post, Vered! I’m not a parent, but have spent many years in therapy recuperating from having mentally ill parents. All of the things on your list are things that I wish I had had more of — and in some cases, ANY of.
I think your first item is the one I like the most — to stay true to yourself. If my parents had been able to be real, to meet their own needs and not blame their children for the emptiness in their lives, perhaps we could have felt we were all on the same “side,” instead of living in a “war zone.”
Respect for the life in all things is one thing I try to live by, and that is well expressed in your twelve tips!
PersonalBudgetTraining Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 9:53 am
You forgot the most important item, spanking.
The best line in Dr. James Dobson’s book Dare to Discipline; pain is a marvelous reinforcer. This father of 10 children can attest to the merits of this tool at certain ages and at certain times. Notice I said spankings and not beatings.
Its funny how new parents let the children dictate their lives from how they eat meals to how they shop. So who is in control?
Amy Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 10:05 am
Vered,
All powerful point on what makes an effective parent. I really enjoyed your post. I happened to find you over hear on Zen Habits as a result of a search on Techorati of teh Top 100 blogs. Pretty cool find I think. Keep up the great woritng….just subsrcibed to your feed.
;)
Amy
(Mom to Maya and Zoe 3yr. twins)
Suzie Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 10:08 am
Great list. Im really gonna try for #2 and remember to take a little time for myself.
Joel Falconer Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 10:10 am
I always wanted to find out how to become a great mom, until I found out it would take about $10,000, a nasty operation and an adoption agency.
Just kidding, really ;) Your work is as great as always and the advice rings true. I’ve sent my wife a link and, like the others, I found this relevant as a father.
Your children are very lucky to have a mom like you!
Ann at One Bag Nation Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 10:56 am
All good advice. #1 can be so hard to remember, but I’m now seeing that my daughter is proud of the things I do and I feel like I’m a good role model for her.
She’s watched me launch a small business and told everyone with great pride this weekend that I ran in a race. I hope the message will be that she can do anything she wants to!
I also like what Mary said about remembering to take care of your marriage along with the children; this is something we need to improve around here.
TW Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 11:08 am
Well, we could have quite a discussion about self-esteem. I think that self-esteem is one of the most over sold concepts on the parenting planet.
I think you left out something huge…though you touched on it in places…share some interests and passions with your children.
E.D. Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 11:18 am
One thing that may be missing is - tell your kids you love them on a regular basis and tell them that you are proud of them when you are. I can probably count on my fingers the times I actually heard either of those things from my parents and it has not been good for our adult relationship.
My younger sister has kids (3 yo and 1 yo) and every time she puts them down for a nap she tells them that mommy and daddy love them. When they both put them to bed at night, they both say it.
Sara Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 11:27 am
My absolute favorites on this list are not feeling guilty, not being a martyr, and not trying to be perfect. My mom was SO guilty of this. If I helped out with laundry, she always became resentful and complained, because she wasn’t doing it herself. It’s the same with any chore I try to pick up. Her mom very much had the “server” mentality so I know that’s where she got it, but sometimes I’d like to be helpful without being yelled at or making her feel guilty. I guess that’s why the house is a mess.
CharlesP Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 11:50 am
TW, I think in a way you’re right. The idea of building a child’s self esteem is a good one, but I think too many of our culture’s ideas on how to build self esteem are the emotional equivalent of steroids to athletes. You may build the self esteem, but if you’re not doing it the right way you’re building a sort of “juiced” self esteem that will fail them in the end. If you tell a kid they can do something you darned well better enable them to actually do it, not just a lot of useless “ra-ra you’re great” but actually helping THEM accomplish the goal. If you let your kid win every game of chess as a 5 year old, you may help them feel better about their ability, but if it’s all a way to let them lie to themselves…
The Financial Philosopher Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 12:24 pm
Vered:
I hope you take this comment as it is intended (as a compliment):
I have seen your comments and photo image on various blogs but now that I have seen other photos of you (here and at your blog), I realize that you are quite attractive!
The photo you have used as a commenter looks pensive, which is not a bad thing, but your smile is beautiful! Until now, I envisioned you as an older, generally unhappy person…
Throw away that old photo and replace it with one that demonstrates some of your greatest attributes — your inner and outer beauty!
Also, you might just shine more light and create more happiness for others…
“Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh
Cheers…
Kent (The Financial Philosopher)
Marc and Angel Hack Life Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 12:25 pm
Be their mom, not their friend.
Amen! Well stated! ;-)
Vered Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 12:26 pm
First, I want to thank my own readers that came over here to show support (well, many of you read Zen Habits anyway but still..). You are just SO GREAT. I really appreciate it.
Thanks again to everyone else for your supportive comments. I am reading through your comments with great interest. Thank you for adding so many interesting points – I think that together, we are at around 20 awesome tips. :) I can’t wait to visit your own blogs, if you have them. It’s great to get to know you!
@ Jennie: Glad I helped. I think you will find that you are constantly making an effort to avoid doing the mistakes that your parents did, but we all make mistakes… you should probably let go and not try so hard not to be like them.
@ Ryan: of course you are. :)
@ Kennedy: I’m not sure trying to become the best parent that you can is the same as acting as if you’re the first one to have ever done it. It’s true that in many ways, parenting is intuitive. But in many other ways, it is work – hard, important work that you do NOT want to mess up – so it’s natural for parents to think about it, discuss it, and try to be the best that they can. In addition, parenting tends to change with time and in different cultures, so what my parents and grandparents did doesn’t necessarily apply to me and to my kids.
@ Writer dad: that was one of the sweetest things I have heard this entire week. What a sweet, loving image!
@ PersonalBudgetTraining: I don’t do spanking. I do agree that too many parents today are afraid to set limits, but I don’t think spanking is needed in order to get your child to listen to you and to respect you.
@ TW: You will have to elaborate on this, here or elsewhere. I don’t think I could possibly feel any stronger than I do about the importance of self-esteem. Would be curious to know why it’s not an important part of parenting. @ CharleP: To me building my child’s self-esteem means to treat her like I would treat myself. Look her in the eyes. Respect her feelings and her wishes whenever I can. Let her know she’s loved and capable and IMPORTANT.
Janice C. Cartier Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 12:43 pm
Vered-
This is a beautiful post and there are so many wonderful comments already I can only agree and maybe add one thing. Sometimes one of the hardest things to do as parent, is nothing. If you’ve given your child guidance and the best of yourself, sometimes you have to step back and let them find answers for themselves. All the nutrients are there. The body has been made strong and the heart is nurtured with joy. Step back and see what they come up with themselves. It is after all roots and wings we are giving them. It is amazing what they have come into this world with that is their own.
Hunter Nuttall Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 12:45 pm
Good job, Vered. Now we know for sure that you could be a great mommyblogger if you really wanted to! Love the picture!
Tabitha Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 12:54 pm
Thanks for the tips. I have a hard time listening to my kids and have had to work on this.
I agree that we need to teach our children to be self-reliant. My mother-in-law disagrees and even though her children are all grown with their own children she would step in and take over everything if she could. She doesn’t believe that my children should be able to take care of themselves.
Incidentally, out of four kids, three of them are not momma-kids and independent. The other one is just like her mother.
Mrs. Micah Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 12:58 pm
Great stuff, Vered. The martyr point was especially good. It’s highly unlikely that anyone would want to spend every minute of every day with another person, especially if that other person was constantly needy (as smaller kids, in particular, can’t help being). And it’s natural that people like variety. No need to feel guilty.
My mom would sometimes send us to a friend’s house and sometimes take in all the children of one of her friends so that either mom could have alone time. And so we’d all have together time as kids. Or she’d invite friends and their kids over for tea. Even when I was younger, I was glad she did that because I liked to see my mom happy. :)
Tim Brownson Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 13:02 pm
The martyr thing is key. You have to put yourself first with your loved ones a very tiny bit behind. You’re no good to your kids and setting a poor example if you’re run down, ill of generally unhappy.
Not sure about 7 though. Can’t you be both? My dad was one of my best friends before he passed. Of course he was my dad, but it was cool that my buddies loved him and we’d all go to soccer games together and share a few beers.
Davina Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 13:05 pm
Hi Vered. Will you adopt me? :-)
Lots of great information here; a beautiful post. I’d like to hear about the mom of a mommy blogger some day. Was she as great as you are?
Mary Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 13:13 pm
From my own experience (I have two teenagers), another good tip is to show interest in your child’s interests. I knew all of the Pokemon when my kids were into them. It gave us something to talk about. Today, we discuss popular music, anime and other stuff they are into.
A side benefit is that I stay in tune with what’s going on in the world. :-)
As for the be a parent, not a friend, I agree, but believe that you can begin shifting the balance as children get older so that when they become adults, they regard you as a friend.
EscapeVelocity Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 14:22 pm
#1 is still: get them a good dad. Don’t have children with anybody you wouldn’t want your children to grow up to be like, because they WILL.
Leo Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 14:51 pm
A lot of great additions here in the comments, so thanks guys!
@Kennedy: That’s a pretty broad generalization. Perhaps you could point out examples to support it? It’s never been my experience that any parent feels they’re the first to go through the joys of parenting, and it certainly doesn’t seem fair to accuse Vered of it here in this post (she’s just sharing tips with other parents).
Urban Panther Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 14:59 pm
Excellent list. I also went the route of having babies when basically I was a baby (age 21 for my first one, age 24 for my third one!) so I grew up with them. AND I ended up doing the single mom thing. Whew! Some big time mistakes made along the way there. However, now that they are adults, we have had some excellent discussions about their childhood. Their gratifying response: “Hey, you did the best you could given the circumstances, and we had some really good times along the way.”
Vered Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 15:24 pm
@ The Financial Philosopher: Thank you. :) You are the second person within a week to tell me that my choice of avatar is not a very good one. I will think about it. Now, back to my article. :)
@ Tim: I guess you can be both when your kids are older. When the turmoil of the teen years is over. But as long as they are young… I don’t think you should place yourself at a “friend” level. I agree with what Mary said in her comment - you can begin shifting the balance as children get older so that when they become adults, they regard you as a friend.
@ Davina: my mom IS great. It took me a long time to see past “mistakes” that I thought she made – real and perceived – and realize that she did the best that she could. She taught me high self-esteem, so that says it all. :)
@ EscapeVelocity – I agree that choosing a good partner is one of the most important things you can do for your children.
Vered Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 15:27 pm
Vered-
Great to see your post here on Zen Habits. You have really taken off as a writer. I can’t wait to see what you come up with next! Thanks for the great tips… i’m not a mom yet but I definitely agree with #7… you have to be a mom first that’s how you earn your child’s respect.
Ricardo Bueno Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 16:42 pm
Vered: I’m not a parent (thought I hope to have 4 children of my own some day if my g/f would bless me with such a gift). Though I’m no parent, my mother’s always questioning whether she’s doing a good job or not raising my younger brother (he has his moments). I hear guilt in her voice.
I think that the advice you offer here is just the right kind of guide and reinforcement needed to endure the challenges a parent faces.
Shilpan | successsoul.com Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 16:52 pm
Vered -
I’m so glad to see your article at Zen Habits. I like your stance on perfection and guilt factor. They are both very important for any parents. As always, I like your grace and down-to-earth approach to life. Congrats.
Shilpan
Jamie | WiredParentPad.com Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 17:06 pm
Vered - this is a great list for moms everywhere to live by!
As a father of four children, I completely agree with others in the comments who have pointed out that many of these are applicable to dads as well.
Simplicity and self-reliance are my two personal favorites.
Jamie
Ellen Wilson Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 19:38 pm
Vered,
You summed it up so nicely, have you nothing left to learn?
What I like is that all these things go together and you have to practice all in certain measures at certain times. After all, how will our kids learn from us if we don’t practice these attributes?
Great article, and thanks for all of it.
Ellen
Ellen Wilson Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 19:42 pm
Oh, and I would like to add that yeah, it is never to early to start teaching values. Although many psychologists say that children are “premoral” at a young age, what you do or say will make an impact on them. I think that they shouldn’t be disciplined for their premoral behavior, though. For instance, lying. They should just be told what it is that isn’t acceptable.
Ellen
TW Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 19:59 pm
Ah well, Vered, there is no doubt in a single one of the children’s minds that they are loved, respected and important. That is neither here nor there.
The problem comes when self-esteem becomes a parenting/educational issue and research literature just doesn’t support self-esteem building as a positive thing for children.
kate Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 20:13 pm
What a wonderful post! thank you :-) we have just had school holidays over here in south australia and i struggled a bit towards the end with my nearly 7 and 4 yr olds as it’s winter and we couldn’t go outside…..and because they are very exuberant kids! I am feeling absolutely wrung out! but i do feel more hopeful now about getting the balance back and having more quality time with my special babies.
Cath Lawson Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 20:30 pm
Hi Vered - These are brilliant tips. The self esteem part is definitely the most important isn’t it.
And the shopping one comes really high on the list. I hate shopping but I find it difficult to persuade my kids to dislike it, because we don’t go often. So, I would appreciate any more tips you have to offer in that area.
Kate Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 21:05 pm
Wonderful list - thoughtful and reassuring too that I am not totally messing all of this mom stuff up. :)
Mommy City Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 21:40 pm
This is a great list. As the mom of 4 (soon to be 5) I can say that even I need to practice living by some of these rules. I wish I had the list 10 years ago.
catherine Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 21:50 pm
That was a good for me to read. thanks for that. I have quite a few kids and through the years (thus far) I have come to realize that looking after myself is one of the most important things-(if im not happy..you know the story…). The kids too seem to appreciate it when I am putting myself -out there- doing things that seem far removed from my role as ‘mother’. What they dont realize is the ‘mental leap’ I had to make to do things ‘other’ than mother. It’s a long slow awakening from the ingrained socialised role i thought motherhood was, (for me).
Vonne Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 21:51 pm
As a mother of a 2 year old this list serves as a refreshing reminder of the many ways to not only have a healthy relationship with your child, but also acts as a foundation for a healthy home.
This is just the article I needed to brighten my day and remind me of how blessed I am to be a mother and have such a wonderful child. Thank you.
Sarah Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 22:06 pm
Nice to see you here, Vered! :-) I enjoyed your tips, I think you did a great job covering the bases! Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Always enjoy them.
Maura Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 22:51 pm
Vered,
Good to see you posting here on ZH. Lovely article. I’ve enjoyed your insightfull comments on Leo’s posts for months now.
@TW, I think you’re a victim of good parenting and are unfortunate enough not to know the devastating effects parents can have on their children if they don’t nurture their self-esteem appropriately. No lab rat will change my mind about that. Self-esteem should not be confused with an over-inflated ego - which is what you seem to be pooh-poohing, rightfully so.
Vered Says:
July 22nd, 2008, 22:56 pm
@ TW: I suppose it depends on your definition of what “self-esteem building” is.
See Maura’s comment – I agree with what she says.
@ Cath: I’m not sure how I do it… I guess we just don’t go shopping together, period. I shop online for their clothes; we rarely buy books – we go to the library instead; we almost never buy toys because they get so many from their grandparents and from us on holidays and birthdays.
I really like online shopping, despite the shipping charges, because it removes the temptation that exists when you enter a store. When I shop online I find it easier to just get what I need, pay for it and move on. I find that I tend to linger over displays more when I’m in a real store.
AtotheK Says:
July 23rd, 2008, 1:24 am
Nice. I would add one of my own:
Love yourself. You can never teach your kids to love themselves if you don’t embody it yourself. What does that mean for you? Never say “I’m fat” or “I’m ugly” — especially in front of your daughter. Quit smoking. Come out of the closet - to everyone. Choose only loving, healthy and never abusive relationships. Demonstrate showing patience with yourself and laughing at your own mistakes.
Laurie | Express Yourself to Success Says:
July 23rd, 2008, 5:03 am
I really enjoyed your well-thought out post, Vered - your tips really are awesome!
I’m so glad that you mentioned how moms should take care of themselves; it’s so overlooked, probably because of the associated guilt - good thing you covered that too. Moms who take care of themselves take care of their kids. It reminds me of being on an airplane and the oxygen masks fall from above. The instructions are to put the mask on yourself first before assisting children - you can’t help your kids if you’ve passed out.
maryann Says:
July 23rd, 2008, 7:43 am
As a mom, the best advice I can give, and one that I rarely see practiced, is that no one element of the family is more important than the whole.
Too many parents put their children’s wants (not needs) before theirs. They sacrifice valuable family time so that Junior can go to his soccer tournaments, or birthday parties, or playdates. They fail to nurture themselves or their marriage, always choosing to “put the children first.”
They fail to understand that giving everything to their children (or doing everything for them) is undermining the rest of the family. The family cannot revolve around one person if it expects to thrive.
I love my two boys with every beat of my heart, but I don’t love them more than my husband, or more than myself.
We are all equal members of this family unit.
Toblerone @ Simple Mom Says:
July 23rd, 2008, 9:24 am
Great points, Vered! The highlights for me are to not be perfect, to teach them simplicity, and to be their mom, not their friend. Well said.
I think assuring them of your unconditional love is a good one, too. We have friends that have this ritual at bedtime, where they ask these questions every night to their kids: “Do I love you when you obey?” Yes. “Do I love you when you disobey?” Yes. “Do I love you all the time?” Yes.
Kelly@SHE-POWER Says:
July 23rd, 2008, 9:28 am
Great article, Vered. All of those are important points, particularly taking time for yourself. I think too many women lose themselves once they become a mother and the sad thing is the kids lose out because you at your best is what they deserve. Not you, who’s resentful and exhausted with no life of her own.
I’m also a big believer in simplicity with kids. The best thing about my hippie upbringing was it taught me to amuse myself with my own imagination and appreciate all that I had that can’t be bought - love, friendship etc.
I also love that quote about slowly phasing yourself out of your child’s life. My son is only 4 so I hope I’m not phased out for a long time, but I do realise that he’ll probably move up to the next level of independence when he starts school and I have to encourage that, while still providing a safety net.
Such a delicate balancing this mothering business. Why don’t they implant us with a microchip with all the answers at birth?
Kelly
hank Says:
July 23rd, 2008, 12:20 pm
I’m a really big fan of #3 - You aren’t perfect, nobody is, but in your kids eyes you are the king (or queen) of their worlds; they expect you to be that “everything” to them. They’ll find out soon enough that nobody is perfect, but letting them know that you make mistakes too will lead them into the idea sooner than later.
Wonderful article, I’m sending it to my wife. :)
Rita Thelan Says:
July 23rd, 2008, 12:49 pm
Nice post. These all good points that I’ll try to put to good use.
Cynthia Says:
July 23rd, 2008, 12:50 pm
Thanks for the post.
I agree that children give us the opportunity to be a kid again. It’s fun if you just let it be fun. I have a better time when I go with the flow and not worry about the details and all the other things that need to be done around the house, whether it’s the dishes, or laundry or just picking up. If I forget about everything else and concentrate on my son, everything is so much more enjoyable and he knows that it’s about him, about the time we’re spending together, and not about anything else.
patri Says:
July 23rd, 2008, 12:56 pm
Wow. So awesome. Bookmarked for the future.
I also have to agree with mary and others that if you aren’t a single mom, then remember “dad” too. Don’t fight with “dad” or put “dad” down in front of the kids.
Noa Says:
July 23rd, 2008, 14:27 pm
Hi Vered,
Read your article with much interest, as the issue of being the best mother I can be is probably THE issue of my life these days.
The tips you picked where very insightful and covered most of the important aspects of being a great mom.
I’d like to add 2 more tips of my own.
The first concerns mothers of more than one child. And it is:
Do not compare your children.
Clearly not in their face, but my advice, tough as it may sound, is to do your best in not comparing them in your mind as well. Treat each as an individual regardless of his sibling.
The second tip may be a little controversial. It’s something I share with my close friends but I guess the internet is just the place to share this kind of a suggestion. Ready?
Smoke a joint!
That’s right. Not on a regular basis, only when you’re home with another responsible adult, but once in a while do yourself a favor and smoke a joint. If the illegality of it or the fact that it’s not really healthy to smoke turns you off than drink a glass of wine. Whatever does the trick for you.
The point is to be completely relaxed and free of mind when being in the presence of your child.
Allow yourself the joy of being spontaneous, happy, full of laughter and ease.
Let yourself experience what it’s like to be free of any disturbing thought our mind produces. No more “I still have that laundry to do”…”I’m not thin enough”…. “I still haven’t found my cause” … ” I don’t earn enough money”….
or whatever it is that keeps you from really being in the moment. (Pardon the cliché).
Because in the end, that’s what it’s all about. Being there.
When I first had this experience with my child, I was amazed to realize, that when I’m free of all the anxieties, worries and thoughts we’re so used to in the western world, I don’t really need any smart parent guidebook, thoughtful tips or advise from the experienced. I FELT what my child needed thru my guts. When I was completely free in mind, free of MY issues, I was so attentive and open to HIM I could identify his needs immediately without any intermediate.
Consider it as sort of an instant short cut to get where we all want to be. Instead of going to 100,000 hours of psychoanalysis – just smoke a joint every now and then and feel how it’s like to be so content with yourself you can just be. Children, with their fresh, clean instincts respond to this change in mood immediately.
Vered Says:
July 23rd, 2008, 15:56 pm
@ AtotheK: I completely agree. We teach by modeling, and when we love and accept ourselves, we teach our children to love themselves too.
@ Noa: I agree with being there, in the moment, and letting go of worries and anxieties. However, I don’t feel that I need to use chemical substances (drugs or alcohol) to get to that place.
Daisy Says:
July 24th, 2008, 0:19 am
I’m not a Mom, but this post made me realize just how great my Mom was and still is to me. :)
She did most of the stuff on the list. And she was very good with the self-reliant part. I’m starting to be grateful for this since I’ve noticed I can do a lot of things that other people my age can’t. And it’s all because of my parents.
Yay for Moms! And Dads as well.
RJ Says:
July 24th, 2008, 9:45 am
Hi Vered! I’ve forwarded this post to my sister who is a new mom and has been feeling a little overwhelmed with her new role. It’s funny because we were having a conversation on how she’ll do as a mom the other day.
Thank you for this serendipitous post.
