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Life’s Enough: Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

“Enjoy your own life without comparing it with that of another.” - Marquis de Condorcet

If you took the strengths of others, and compared them to your weaknesses, how do you think you’d size up? And do you think this would make you feel good?

The funny thing is, this is what most of us do at one time or another — and some of us do pretty often.

It’s a sure-fire recipe for a drop in self-confidence and for unhappiness. It’s also not that useful.

Let’s say I take a look at someone who creates amazing artwork and really top-notch podcasts on their website … and I look at my art and video skills, and realize that I don’t come close to measuring up. In fact, I look pretty pitiful (I’m a lousy drawer and don’t know anything about video).

But wait a minute: it’s not a fair comparison. Just because I don’t measure up doesn’t mean I should get out of the blogging business, or that I should get depressed or jealous or resentful. Instead, if I looked at my strengths — writing useful and honest posts — I can see that I have a lot to offer, a lot to be happy about.

And that’s so important — being able to look at your own strengths, and see your true value. It’s actually one of the keys to success, because without this ability, you will be unmotivated, and won’t believe in yourself.

I wanted to talk about this issue because of an email from a reader recently:

I come from a Tier-2 city of India. I belong to middle class family. My job also such that I can’t meet both my ends, if I get married and start a new family.

The problem is that I have got my teammates, who come from very affluent families. I can’t stop myself comparing my lifestyle with theirs. I know it is not proper to compare myself with them on the basis of what physical possessions they have. I must say that my financial planning is sound enough to take care of my existing family; and I can take care of new family member also, at least for some time even if I lose my current job. But whenever I see or hear them spending so much money after possessions, I start comparing again. How can I stop this habit, without changing jobs?

This is an excellent question, and a tough one. I think it’s natural to compare ourselves to others, but as the reader noticed, it often makes us unhappy even if we have enough and should be happy with what we have.

My quick advice: try to be aware of when you start comparing yourself to others … once you’ve developed this awareness, try this trick: stop yourself. Tell yourself, “Stop that!” And then start thinking about all the things you DO have, the things you love, the people you have, the blessings that life has given you. Make this a regular practice, and you’ll start to be happier with your life.

The Effects of Social Comparisons
But let’s take a look for a moment at what’s wrong with comparing yourself with others:

Like I said, it’s usually an unfair comparison to start with. As a result, you’ll always come off bad if you look at someone’s strengths (including what they have, like houses and cars) and your weaknesses.
Even if you compare strength to strength, there will always be those who are better, and those who are worse. Where you are on the ladder of accomplishments or purchases has nothing to do with what you want to do.
Even if you do well in comparison with others, you may be artificially inflated from this comparison. It’s a short-lived boost of ego if you win the comparison — easily knocked down.
You end up resenting others for doing well, without really knowing the true person. You can see this if you’ve ever resented someone upon first meeting them, and then later realized you got the wrong idea.
You might end up talking about your own accomplishments more than is necessary. No one appreciates that.
You might criticize someone in public, trying to knock them down, often unfairly.

These aren’t good things. Let’s look at how to stop this phenomenon.

Breaking the Habit of Comparing Yourself With Others
So how do you break this cycle of comparing yourself with others? Here are some tips I’ve found useful:

Awareness. Most often we do these social comparisons without realizing we’re doing it. It’s a natural act, I suppose, and as a result it’s something that is done without consciousness. So the solution is to become conscious — bring these thoughts to the forefront of your consciousness by being on the lookout for them. If you focus on these thoughts for a few days, it gets much easier with practice, and soon it’ll be hard not to notice.
Stop yourself. Once you realize you’re doing these comparisons, give yourself a pause. Don’t berate yourself or feel bad — just acknowledge the thought, and gently change focus.
Count your blessings. A better focus is on what you do have, on what you are already blessed with. Count what you have, not what you don’t. Think about how lucky you are to have what you have, to have the people in your life who care about you, to be alive at all.
Focus on your strengths. Instead of looking at your weaknesses, ask yourself what your strengths are. Celebrate them! Be proud of them. Don’t brag, but feel good about them and work on using them to your best advantage.
Be OK with imperfection. No one is perfect — intellectually, we all know that, but emotionally we seem to feel bad when we don’t reach perfection. You aren’t perfect and you never will be. I certainly am not, and I’ve learned to be OK with that. Sure, keep trying to improve, but don’t think you’ll ever be the “perfect person”. If you look at it in a different way, that imperfection is what makes you who you are, you already are perfect.
Don’t knock others down. Sometimes we try to criticize others just to make ourselves look or feel better. Taking someone else down for your benefit is destructive. It forms an enemy when you could be forming a friend. In the end, that hurts you as well. Instead, try to support others in their success — that will lead to more success on your part.
Focus on the journey. Don’t focus on how you rank in comparison to others — life is not a competition. It’s a journey. We are all on a journey, to find something, to become something, to learn, to create. That journey has nothing to do with how well other people are doing, or what they have. It has everything to do with what we want to do, and where we want to go. That’s all you need to worry about.
Learn to love enough. If you always want what others have, you will never have enough. You will always want more. That’s an endless cycle, and it will never lead to happiness. No matter how many clothes you buy, no matter how many houses you own (seven, in the case of one famous candidate), no matter how many fancy cars you acquire … you’ll never have enough. Instead, learn to realize that what you have is already enough. If you have shelter over your head, food on the table, clothes on your back, and people who love you, you are blessed. You have enough. Anything you have over and above that — and let’s admit that all of us reading this blog have more than that — is more than enough. Be good with that, and you’ll find contentment.

“To love is to stop comparing.” - Bernard Grasset

See elsewhere: Open Sourcing Your Creativity on LifeDev

Life’s Enough: Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

“Enjoy your own life without comparing it with that of another.” - Marquis de Condorcet

If you took the strengths of others, and compared them to your weaknesses, how do you think you’d size up? And do you think this would make you feel good?

The funny thing is, this is what most of us do at one time or another — and some of us do pretty often.

It’s a sure-fire recipe for a drop in self-confidence and for unhappiness. It’s also not that useful.

I wanted to talk about this issue because of an email from a reader recently:

I come from a Tier-2 city of India. I belong to middle class family. My job also such that I can’t meet both my ends, if I get married and start a new family.

The problem is that I have got my teammates, who come from very affluent families. I can’t stop myself comparing my lifestyle with theirs. I know it is not proper to compare myself with them on the basis of what physical possessions they have. I must say that my financial planning is sound enough to take care of my existing family; and I can take care of new family member also, at least for some time even if I lose my current job. But whenever I see or hear them spending so much money after possessions, I start comparing again. How can I stop this habit, without changing jobs?

The Effects of Social Comparisons
But let’s take a look for a moment at what’s wrong with comparing yourself with others:

Like I said, it’s usually an unfair comparison to start with. As a result, you’ll always come off bad if you look at someone’s strengths (including what they have, like houses and cars) and your weaknesses.
Even if you compare strength to strength, there will always be those who are better, and those who are worse. Where you are on the ladder of accomplishments or purchases has nothing to do with what you want to do.
Even if you do well in comparison with others, you may be artificially inflated from this comparison. It’s a short-lived boost of ego if you win the comparison — easily knocked down.
You end up resenting others for doing well, without really knowing the true person. You can see this if you’ve ever resented someone upon first meeting them, and then later realized you got the wrong idea.
You might end up talking about your own accomplishments more than is necessary. No one appreciates that.
You might criticize someone in public, trying to knock them down, often unfairly.

These aren’t good things. Let’s look at how to stop this phenomenon.

Breaking the Habit of Comparing Yourself With Others
So how do you break this cycle of comparing yourself with others? Here are some tips I’ve found useful:

Awareness. Most often we do these social comparisons without realizing we’re doing it. It’s a natural act, I suppose, and as a result it’s something that is done without consciousness. So the solution is to become conscious — bring these thoughts to the forefront of your consciousness by being on the lookout for them. If you focus on these thoughts for a few days, it gets much easier with practice, and soon it’ll be hard not to notice.
Stop yourself. Once you realize you’re doing these comparisons, give yourself a pause. Don’t berate yourself or feel bad — just acknowledge the thought, and gently change focus.
Count your blessings. A better focus is on what you do have, on what you are already blessed with. Count what you have, not what you don’t. Think about how lucky you are to have what you have, to have the people in your life who care about you, to be alive at all.
Focus on your strengths. Instead of looking at your weaknesses, ask yourself what your strengths are. Celebrate them! Be proud of them. Don’t brag, but feel good about them and work on using them to your best advantage.
Be OK with imperfection. No one is perfect — intellectually, we all know that, but emotionally we seem to feel bad when we don’t reach perfection. You aren’t perfect and you never will be. I certainly am not, and I’ve learned to be OK with that. Sure, keep trying to improve, but don’t think you’ll ever be the “perfect person”. If you look at it in a different way, that imperfection is what makes you who you are, you already are perfect.
Don’t knock others down. Sometimes we try to criticize others just to make ourselves look or feel better. Taking someone else down for your benefit is destructive. It forms an enemy when you could be forming a friend. In the end, that hurts you as well. Instead, try to support others in their success — that will lead to more success on your part.
Focus on the journey. Don’t focus on how you rank in comparison to others — life is not a competition. It’s a journey. We are all on a journey, to find something, to become something, to learn, to create. That journey has nothing to do with how well other people are doing, or what they have. It has everything to do with what we want to do, and where we want to go. That’s all you need to worry about.
Learn to love enough. If you always want what others have, you will never have enough. You will always want more. That’s an endless cycle, and it will never lead to happiness. No matter how many clothes you buy, no matter how many houses you own (seven, in the case of one famous candidate), no matter how many fancy cars you acquire … you’ll never have enough. Instead, learn to realize that what you have is already enough. If you have shelter over your head, food on the table, clothes on your back, and people who love you, you are blessed. You have enough. Anything you have over and above that — and let’s admit that all of us reading this blog have more than that — is more than enough. Be good with that, and you’ll find contentment.

“To love is to stop comparing.” - Bernard Grasset

See elsewhere: Open Sourcing Your Creativity on LifeDev

Posted on 25 August 2008 in Happiness, Simplicity |
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Comments (104)

"Motivate Thyself" Says:

August 25th, 2008, 20:07 pm

I think one of the best things that you can tell yourself is the fact that you are the best at being you. That being yourself and enjoying the life that is specifically best for you is ALWAYS better than trying to compare yourself to others or live up to their expectations.

Andrew Flusche Says:

August 25th, 2008, 20:15 pm

Thanks, Leo. The perfect post at the perfect time! I was feeling a bit down about life, but this was just what I needed!!

pavs Says:

August 25th, 2008, 20:21 pm

I think this also depends on the outlook you have about life when you are comparing yourself to others. For instance if I have a negative outlook on life, no matter whatever I do, I will have negative vibe. If I have a positive outlook on life, I will take strength from someone who is doing things better than me, and try to improve myself; not go to the corner and cry about it.

Comparing myself to others who are better than me is my biggest strength because it motivates me to do better.

Jamie Says:

August 25th, 2008, 20:46 pm

This post hit me right on the head. Never seen these ideas expressed so clearly and accurately. In a world full of crappy advice, I thank you.

Dave Says:

August 25th, 2008, 20:47 pm

Great post. I often find myself slipping into this sort of thinking and end up being somewhat depressed as a result. I’m not always sure why I do it, or how it comes about, but I have been working hard at recognizing it when it does. Your post is very relevant and provides some very solid advice for how to deal with it. I will be certain to try some of the ideas. Thanks!

nerdfactor Says:

August 25th, 2008, 21:03 pm

A hard part for me has always been identifying my strengths… Marcus Buckingham’s book _Now Discover Your Strengths_ has been helpful in that process

Writer Dad Says:

August 25th, 2008, 21:07 pm

Comparing myself to others kept me from writing for thirty years. I’ve been over it for a year and it’s been the best one of my life.

Dasha Says:

August 25th, 2008, 21:11 pm

This post hits close to home. Another thing to add - surround yourself with people who share your values (or limitations, whichever is the case). They will be there to remind you that not everyone’s dream is a two porsche garage.

Just Me Says:

August 25th, 2008, 21:27 pm

I am usually inspired by your posts Leo, and this one was mostly wonderful - especially because it hits home with me. The only thing I take exception to is in the end when you mention the “7 houses” - aren’t you going against your own advice by bringing this up? Just a thought. Peace to you.

Stephen Says:

August 25th, 2008, 21:32 pm

Hi, Leo. I’m a long-time reader of your wonderful blog and first-time commenter. Thanks for this great post.

I sometimes compare myself to others and wish I had what they had (the career, money, prestige), but such thinking is selfish and envious. There’s nothing wrong with admiring people’s accomplishments and learning from their successes and failures. The problem is basing one’s self-worth on others’ achievements or possessions.

Your post highlights the antidote–generosity and gratitude. Life is not about how much we have or even on how much we’ve achieved professionally, It’s about how much we help, root for, and give back to others.

Leo Says:

August 25th, 2008, 21:54 pm

I’m glad you guys found this post to be useful! Thanks for the feedback.

@Just Me: I was just throwing in a little humor there. He can own 7 houses if he likes — it doesn’t matter to me. :)

Morne Says:

August 25th, 2008, 22:33 pm

For me this article came at the right time. Its a really simple concept yet so many of us do it - I had to laugh at myself. I particularly liked writers dad comment about how this stops us from doing things we really want to do. Thank you so much for this article!

Chris Says:

August 25th, 2008, 22:43 pm

One of the hardest thing to do also is to break away from a cultural norm. In the Filipino culture, it’s the norm to constantly compare yourself with others…Many Filipinos measure their success in life this way.

Jin Says:

August 25th, 2008, 23:06 pm

leo i feel bad that my blog can’t compare to yours. what do i do??

j/k. enjoyed this article.

George Says:

August 25th, 2008, 23:25 pm

Thanks once again for providing such great posts! I agree with @pavs that there is positive sides to comparisons, as long as it is used to improve yourself, not berate yourself.

I find one of the best ways to defeat the negative sides of comparing yourself is to spend at least 5 minutes a day reading about or practicing self motivating techniques. I keep a copy of The Art of Happiness (by the Dalai Lama and Howard Cutler, which had a profound impact on me) close at hand and try to read a passage from it everyday. It helps provide a conscious barrier to those subconscious urges you spoke of.

patricia gray Says:

August 25th, 2008, 23:32 pm

So true! Thanks for the reminder.

Julie Says:

August 25th, 2008, 23:33 pm

This is a really great post and really motivating especially because school is starting back up for many people this week. It’s always difficult not to compare yourself to others no matter what. I think I only learned this lesson recently… I am who I am and you know what? It’s a pretty great thing! Thanks Leo :-)

Bob Says:

August 25th, 2008, 23:42 pm

That happens all the time — I get in a slum because I compare what I have to what my friends have. This is good advice from a great blogger, and I hope to use it to break that habit.

Eugene (Editor, Varsity Blah) Says:

August 26th, 2008, 0:26 am

“He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away.” – Raymond Hull

Krishna Says:

August 26th, 2008, 0:31 am

I think there is a good level of healthy comparison and competition. Other people that excel at something that you are also passionate about might drive you to become even better at what you are doing. However, comparing to a point where you feel unworthy or sad is detrimental to your mental health and should be avoided.

Great post.

Charles Says:

August 26th, 2008, 0:53 am

I think it isn’t so much that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others, as that can occasionally be healthy. I think the best comparison is against yourself though. See the level you are at now, and strive to improve. Comparing yourself to others might make for an unattainable goal. However, if you compare yourself to yourself, and strive to do better, that can be healthy and much more productive.

bowo Says:

August 26th, 2008, 0:53 am

nice blog

Shamelle - TheEnhanceLife Says:

August 26th, 2008, 1:00 am

“Comparing to others” is one of those natural human tendencies. It can be a motivation to do more, or can be a real down fall which will lead to worry, jealousy etc.

It can be career suicide when one starts comparing salaries etc. I suppose that’s why such things are kept confidential!

My take on this is, we should “take” the “good” things we see in others and make it an inspiration or a driving force to achieve more.

Taurus Says:

August 26th, 2008, 1:28 am

This is a Excellent Blog. The message that i get is “You have to be Stop being what Others are”.

Pete Says:

August 26th, 2008, 2:11 am

I am thinking that we sometimes find identity in comparing our differencies to others´, or..?
But of course those cannot be measured in any way.

There are places, events when comparison is the very reason for being, where it works. But those are allways staged events. Sports, athletics and such are places in life where the criteria for comparison is leveled and identical for all. Measuring skills against eachother can only be done right in a closed environment like those of sportsevents i.e.

That is another reason why we should keep from trying to do it in real, everyday life. We would never agree on the rules, and the best part is that we don´t have to.

Thanks for a great blog, Leo. I am fairly new to it, but enjoy it immensely, over here in Denmark.

PhilipLilly.com Says:

August 26th, 2008, 2:25 am

I really like about the point about life being a journey. Life isn’t a race. It’s a long journey and in the end it will only be with yourself, so you shouldn’t worry about the other people.

We are all human, and we each have opportunities. Each of these will be different. We shouldn’t worry about what others have, because there is different circumstances. As the age old cliche goes, the grass is always greener on the other side. It might look greener, but there are problems that aren’t quickly caught. We each exceed on something, while might lack in another.

We cannot waste our time worrying about others. If you are too busy achieving your dreams, then you won’t have time to miss the fact that you can’t draw or play the flute. Hopefully we can all be a little less jealous.

Philip Lilly

Cormac Says:

August 26th, 2008, 2:31 am

Thanks a million for this post Leo. I too am a huge fan of your site and first time poster. Your timing for this post is impeccable. I’ve always found it tough to have the mental discipline to not let your mind wander into comparison mode. I once read that it is impossible to compare yourself to something that is always moving; The horizon is a great example. No matter how much you run to it, it always seems to be just out of grasp. Where if you compare YOU to where YOU were coming from before, steps towards whatever it was you wanted is your growth.

Keep up the amazing work Leo!

sai Says:

August 26th, 2008, 2:35 am

Great post! Coming from a similar background, I particularly empathise with the questioner. I have been decently educated but unlike most of my peers, I have not gotten into a third wave career - like software or Finance and have struck to a relatively less- paying Manufacturing job. Earlier whenever, I had these comparisons coming up in my mind often, but in the recent past, due to some much needed lifestyle changes and probably age-induced maturity, have become far more comfortable with my present station in life. Yes, most of us, who are able to read and write here are already blessed enough. Lets count our blessings.

Paul Parks Says:

August 26th, 2008, 2:51 am

Hey Leo, I’ve been reading your blog for 3 weeks now and i absolutely love it. There so much great wisdom here and its helping me through some life changes. I thought maybe you could create some amazing artwork and really top-notch podcasts to improve the blog, just kidding. Keep up the great work/hobby, it’s appreciated. Be well

Don Says:

August 26th, 2008, 3:07 am

Go for reality check. Let say you have a poor skills.

Poor in a sense that. It seems not working. Of course you are in a conscious state you will notice that.

Then here comes comparing. How come that his work is working and mine is not. You have to take a look why is not working. Then that is the healthy comparison.

The bad comparison is. Yours is working. His is working.
And your just not satisfied with what you got. Your not contented in a sense that the reality is. It is working.

And what you’ve got is already serving your intention.
Now that’s comparison. Your not contentedly enough
to what you. Even though the fact is. It is working.

You have nice pointed nose. Your not satisfied. You take nose lift procedure. The worse may happen. You will encounter medical malpractice.

Always remember there is healthy and bad comparison.

Amateur Says:

August 26th, 2008, 3:44 am

Leo,

This is a great post because you’re pretty say much saying, “Calm down, it’s not that serious.” It really isn’t, for the most part since it would be unrealistic to have everything we want, there is only one first place trophy, but working to qualify and get second place isn’t too shabby. It’s not settling and feeling sorry for yourself if you’ve worked hard to get what you have, and others are proud of you for making it happen.

I like your perspective on things. Asian cultures pretty much shove it down people’s throats they must attain material possessions to be considered successful, even though those items may be purchased solely on credit. Things are never what they seem, one man’s riches may be another man’s burden.

Don Says:

August 26th, 2008, 3:45 am

Put your purpose above all.

Based all your decision on to that.

Let say your purpose for your blog is to communicate your thoughts in a written form not in video form.

So get all the necessary things to execute the purpose.

Let say you encounter something that amaze you.
Your just amaze. Because that thing will not serve your purpose.

But that thing will serve your purpose. Go and get it.
Try to learn it. Be patient in a process of transferring the
skills to you. Don’t be impatient why he is already and while I am not.

Think it. Your doing it for your purpose. Be patient because it will serve your purpose.

Like I said earlier. You have a nice nose.

Does it serve to your other purpose. If it is. Why bother it.
Even if not. Is it necessarily to change your nose.

Let say your a comedian and your have flat nose.
Don’t you know that your flat nose is your asset.
Not that pointed nose.

To make easy for you. Learn the value of the thing you got.

Learn the value to the deep sense. Coz even others tell that you don’t have a value. Still you have a value.

A prisoner in a jail has a value. They are teaches us not to be like them. Don’t do crimes. Or else you will end up in jail.

Isn’t that a valuable they give. But for others they are useless.

Don Says:

August 26th, 2008, 3:54 am

Comparison is a combination of good and bad.

Choose the good in comparison.

Pay attention to the value and consequences.

Comparison is a broad topic. You cannot boxed it.

Just be conscious if your comparison attitude is good or bad.

Let say your are deciding which dress suit to the party.

Then you will compare the other dress to the other one.

For you not to be stress and confuse.

Ask this question.

Which one will serve the purpose of the party.
Which one will give a value to the party.
What consequences I will encounter if choose this
or this one.

It just how the comparison topic is broad topic.

DanGTD Says:

August 26th, 2008, 4:07 am

Thanks for the great article.

You have to judge yourself by your goals instead of by what your peers seem to be doing. Care about what you are capable of.

Singapore Pinoy Says:

August 26th, 2008, 5:06 am

Sometimes it will also be helpful if you will do the reverse. Compare your strengths to other’s weaknesses. You will start to feel good. This is a bit tricky though as one may slip into arrogance which is totally not cool. Just a thought.

10 Seconds A Day Says:

August 26th, 2008, 5:10 am

Thanks for the post Leo. I hope your “positivity” will never end. The key to a happy life is getting inspired. Keep it up

TerraScene Says:

August 26th, 2008, 6:21 am

Wow, Leo, thanks for this post (& all of the insights and information you share!) My life has changed profoundly since I decided to celebrate people’s achievements, and stop looking at other people’s accomplishments as somehow exclusive of me.
I am inspired by the limitless brilliance I see us, as a collective, display. I don’t see it as competition - I see it as complementation, and confirmation of what we are ALL capable of.
It’s not about “good” or “bad”, it’s about what works, given what I’m choosing.

qma Says:

August 26th, 2008, 6:36 am

Great post.

I know of a few people who drive fancy cars and wear band-name clothes, but can barely make ends meet. Well, people obviously have different priorities.

Osman S Borutecene Says:

August 26th, 2008, 7:20 am

Comparing yourself to others is not only a depressing habit but it also sets wrong or maybe low barriers in one’s self-achievement.

When you compare your self to successful people in your society, that leads to an establishment of the idea about what success is and where it is going to end. This is a self-limiting perspective.

How do you know that you have less or more capacity than the people you are comparing yourself to? What if you have a far more potential in comparison to them?

Comparing yourself to others just limits your scope in being successful.

Peter R. Wood Says:

August 26th, 2008, 7:29 am

I had posted that first quote by Marquis de Condorcet on my Twitter stream a while back, because it came up that day on my “365 Days of Joy” calendar. Great quote and great idea.

Jenn Says:

August 26th, 2008, 7:41 am

Great post! I, too, can get caught up in comparison’s. Usually I find myself comparing when I’m insecure about something in my own life. You’re right, even if it is an ego boost, it’s short lived. My responsibility to the Universe is to be Me. Thanks again!

"Motivate Thyself" Says:

August 26th, 2008, 7:49 am

I think blogging is a great way to bring this out of us. With SO MANY blogs out there it’s very easy to become self conscious and overly aware of everyone else’s take on things. It’s only when you stop trying to see things from their perspective and start seeing things from your own that you are truly able to find your voice.

Leo, your blog is unique because it resonates with your perspective that is genuine and well thought out. I do appreciate you sharing with us every day and hope you are able to continue to do so for a long time to come.

gawp Says:

August 26th, 2008, 7:52 am

Good post.

To quote (I think) Thich Nhat Hanh “There are three kinds of vanity: thinking you’re better than others, thinking you’re worse than others and thinking you’re the same as others.”

Unfortunately, to measure yourself with others is strong human trait and hard to avoid.

I’ve found two practical things that help me avoid this trap:

-Live in a varied environment. If you live in a demographically homogeneous North American suburb, it’s difficult not to compare yourself with others: most neighbors are of similar age and lifestyle so the differences stand out. I live in a city neighborhood with a varied population: there are few people just like me so comparisons are difficult: I can’t easily compare my self with the retired couple next door, the single woman on the other side, the college students across the street or the family in the half million dollar duplex down the street

-Live a varied life. Develop hobbies, friends, non work goals. Find out what makes you happy and do that. If you find, develop and immerse yourself in your own interests less time gets spent comparing with others and more time actually enjoying what you’re doing.

Kats Says:

August 26th, 2008, 8:43 am

This site is rapidly becoming a daily “must-have”. These columns improve my life and this one especially. Thank you.

Matt Says:

August 26th, 2008, 9:06 am

Great post Leo, I’ve been struggling with comparing myself to others lately and this post is very timely. I find that I like to compare myself to others to learn from what they have and haven’t done. If they’re successful or have accomplished something that I would like to emulate or learn from I compare myself to them. But you are totally right there is a time where those comparisons start to be very damaging to your own psyche.

Awareness is probably the best starting point and I’ve started becoming more conscious of my own comparisons lately. Its surprising how often they happen.

Jeff@MySuperChargedLife Says:

August 26th, 2008, 9:59 am

I think this is such an important topic. It seems that comparing oneself and trying to “keep up with the Joneses” in America is a runaway freight train. A lot of people have themselves buried in credit card debt because they are living well above their means. This is mostly a result of comparing themselves to others.

For me, counting my blessings and being mindfully grateful for all that I have is the best antidote.

Dot H. Says:

August 26th, 2008, 10:24 am

This may sound goofy, but I quote Popeye all the time on this issue: “I yam what I yam and that’s all what I yam, I’m Popeye the Sailor Man.” He knows who he is, limitations and all, and he’s proud of hiimself.

Great question and great answer! In my own life, I’ve found that a lot of my comparing can be traced back to growing up in a home where the positive was ignored and the negative was criticized over and over. As a result, even many years later, it’s hard for me to even notice the positive in myself and even in others. The negative just jumps out at me effortlessly.

I liked what TerraScene had to say about celebrating other people’s success because we’re all in this together. My test to see if I’m comparing is whether I can be happy for the person’s success. If I can, I compliment them. If I can’t, then I know I’ve got to start looking for my positive side.

Michael Andresen Says:

August 26th, 2008, 10:25 am

Another thought: When you catch yourself comparing your situation to your neighbor, change it around to comparing yourself to the wealthiest person on earth . . . at the dawn of civilization, 10,000 years ago. Back then, disease was rampant, luxury goods nonexistent, and even the wealthiest individuals scratched out a horrid existence by modern standards. I would rather live well below the poverty line in today’s society rather than be wealthy in the past. Even 100 years ago was so much worse than it is today. And the primary reason that we have it so well today? A world economy that has grown consistently over those 10,000 years. And why does the economy keep growing? Because people are ambitious and strive to be among the wealthiest on the earth. Me, I’m happy spending my time on things I think are more enjoyable and not spend so much time on ambition and wealth. But I am very grateful for the ambitious and grossly wealthy members of our society (and their predecessors). All of the luxury goods I own today (including my computer) are because of their hard work. When I see someone spend oodles of cash on things I can’t afford, I am grateful and happy to know how rich I am, too, in the grand scheme of things.

Asia Hadley Says:

August 26th, 2008, 11:30 am

Comparisons happen on many levels. Author Barry Shwartz in his book, The Paradox of Choice, suggests that we judge experiences and circmstances compared to one or more of the following:

1. What we hoped it would be

2. What we expected it to be

3. To other experiences we have had in the recent past

4. Experiences that others have had

Read more at Beacons on the Frontlines, Sustaining the light of those who serve at http://www.beaconsfrontline.com

-Asia

Pete Says:

August 26th, 2008, 11:40 am

Again, it is the weight of expectations that holds people back. The greatest thing you can do is be yourself, not a version of someone else. Live your own life. Make your own unique mistakes. Learn your own unique lessons.

Life is so much more interesting when you try to find out the real truth in yourself, rather than comparing yourself to what seems to be true about others.

“Know thyself, and you will know thy Gods”

It’s an ancient proverb I am very fond of.

http://yinvsyang.com/

Maria Says:

August 26th, 2008, 11:44 am

I’ve been subscribed, reading and recommending Zen Habits to others for months, but this is the first time that I’ve been truly motiviated to comment. Your blog always seems to resonate with me at a time when I really need some encouragement. I’m at a crossroads where life has improved greatly and I’m working on both my health and finances. Still, even though I’m experiencing improvements in many areas, I have the tendency to compare my life to others who have more and therefore I feel bad that I’m not as far along as I should be. My one bedroom isn’t fully furnished yet, even after 18 months or I still don’t have my driver’s license yet even though I’m in my 30’s, the list goes on and on. Mostly it relates to my love relationships; I keep having the feeling that if I can keep up with those people I’m in competition with, real or imagined, the ones I love will choose me. But it’s never that simple and this post will be something that I will read over and over until I realize that while I may not win those competitions and therefore the hands of those that may be swayed by what others have, I am enough for those that truly love me and my life is full with both the right amount of physical items and wonderful people that love me for me. Thank you so much.

Terence Says:

August 26th, 2008, 11:53 am

Wonderful post. Comparison is something many of us (myself included sometimes) seem addicted to doing. Hell, I even have some very wealthy friends who do it too.

I love what you said about gratitude for what we do have. When it comes to possessions as a measure of satisfaction, I find that if I go that route, there is never enough. Acquisition is bondage. There will always be a faster laptop, a nicer car, a more beautiful woman, a more luxurious and comfortable house.

When I go to gratitude, I find peace. It reminds me of the saying “He is richest with what he has”.

Terence Says:

August 26th, 2008, 11:54 am

AMENDMENT:

“He is richest who is happy with what he has”.

Rich :: Socks for Happy People Says:

August 26th, 2008, 11:56 am

Thanks for such a humbling post. And though difficult I’ve found awareness really can limit comparisons, and it gets easier not to do it little by little.

Starting each morning by writing a little list of things that you are thankful for and appreciate can also help : )

Aaron Says:

August 26th, 2008, 12:01 pm

It’s the weirdest thing!!?? I have been in a class that is going on till about the middle of September. I had just finished my third test about an hour ago and recieved an 85%. My previous tests were in the high 90 percentile. I realized that others (who I am REALLY trying to accept who they are) did exceptionally better than I did and are now ahead of me in the running for honor graduate. I started to get a little bit of a jealosy bite going and then realized it, STOPPED and logged on to Zenhabits. Then sure enough there it is on the front page, Lifes Enough; Stop Comparing Yourself to Others. I was blown away!! This was exactly the reading I needed to calm myself down. Thanks for the posting Leo, you done good!!

Vincent Nguyen Says:

August 26th, 2008, 12:02 pm

Imperfection is a beautiful thing because there is always room for improvement. Beautiful architecture, artwork, sculptures, music all had to start from somewhere, whether on a piece of paper or large slab of stone. We are all beautiful pieces of artwork shaped and expressed through all of our life experiences (good or bad) because our life experiences define who we are. Therefore, each of our own experiences make each one of us so unique and special. Cherish your differences because you either already know what your talents are or you are still on the road of self discovery…no one can ever compare to “you”. So why would you want to compare to someone? Like previous posts have said…build and work on your strengths while at the same time be “aware” of your flaws and weaknesses but don’t let them bring you down.

Kanlayanee Says:

August 26th, 2008, 12:08 pm

In rural area,Asian country;my background..
One thing I remember very well, I grew up with it and I still living with it~comparing with others~. is that..to teach me” how to” in life my Mom always point to others how good they are and I should be that way”
My Mom,she’s never be in school, she can’t read can’t write.
What do you think?

lilo Says:

August 26th, 2008, 12:36 pm

Hi Chris,

I second you. It is really difficult to not keep up with cultural norms such as comparing with others. It’s been seeded in us since we were young.

bav Says:

August 26th, 2008, 12:39 pm

can’t help it. it happens in asian families.

Andre Kibbe Says:

August 26th, 2008, 13:18 pm

Assuming that what someone else has actually matters, it helps to separate the “what” from the “who.”

Instead of say, “Fred has XYX,” you can ask yourself, “What were the steps Fred took to achieve XYX?” The focus is on process, not personality. If you really value something that someone else has achieved, the time you spend reverse-engineering the process replaces that time you’d spend coveting it.

Rach Says:

August 26th, 2008, 13:23 pm

Rob Brezsny has a snippet from his wonderful ‘Pronoia’ at http://www.freewillastrology.com/beauty/beauty.main139.shtml: I read it whenever I forget to count my blessings and start taking things for granted. (He also posts horoscopes every Wednesday: even if you think astrology is a load of codswallop, they’re usually wonderfully weird, thought-provoking, and inspiring. I have them emailed to me as part of my web-withdrawal/simplification drive).

‘If Thoreau really meant it when he said “Simplify, simplify”, why did he say it twice?’

The Success Professor Says:

August 26th, 2008, 13:47 pm

Excellent article.

I’m glad that you point out the pitfalls of comparing yourself to others lower than yourselves as well. Building up your ego by comparing yourself to those weaker than you does nothing to help you grow and develop. It sets a false standard for you and puts you at risk of coming off arrogant.

The idea to “count your blessings” is key. Being thankful is an important success principle.

I would also add to your thoughts about “being on a journey”. While it is true that we are all on a journey “to find something, to become something, to learn, to create.” It is also important to remember that even while on that journey we already ARE someone, we already are SOMEWHERE, and can already be contributing SOMETHING - right now, not just when we get to the destination.

TriGuy Says:

August 26th, 2008, 14:00 pm

There’s something that I’m seeing in several posts that I’ll say in a diffferent way . . . comaprisons are not inherently bad, But as Pete relates above: “know thyself”.

So much of the destructive power of comparison could be deflected. From an early age, we hear from others (parents, teachers, coaches, clergy) . . . “you should be more like [blank]“. The destructive response to to accept the comparison and get on the hamster wheel. The proper response is “why?”

There are many that I compare myself to, but I know the “why”. So it fits with the arc of my life. And, truth be told, most of the comparisons are things I can only strive for but never fully attain. Provide for my family. Give of myself to the community. Forgive. There are many people who do a lot better job than I do and they serve as examples to give form to my aspirations.

Kevunism Says:

August 26th, 2008, 14:09 pm

This is great advice! I’ve found in the past couple years that I’ve had a bit of a jealous streak when it comes to other people’s success. I think this advice will go a long way in encouraging me with my own goals, instead of letting others’ successes make them look minute.

Peter Says:

August 26th, 2008, 14:11 pm

as I heard in AA so much when newly sober - “you can’t compare your insides to someone else’s outside”. It was hard for me, but I eventually learned, you never know what inner demons others are dealing with.

I look forward to your emails everyday, always gets me thinking!

jim of Blueprint for Financial Prosperity Says:

August 26th, 2008, 14:17 pm

It’s really difficult to stop yourself from comparing yourself to others. The best thing I’ve discovered is to compare myself with myself from a month ago, or a year, or five. By tracking your own progress, you take away the jealous aspects and replace it with more positive feelings of progress. You still compare, it’s just not as negative.

mjukr Says:

August 26th, 2008, 15:00 pm

No one is who they appear to be.

Always remember this. Just because someone looks wealthy/happy/intelligent/etc., you can never know what lurks beneath the surface. Thus, these feelings of jealousy and low self-esteem are probably based on falsehoods to begin with!

Good article, with good tips. I think the most important step is to recognize this behavior and immediately stop and replace with more productive thoughts.

janelle Says:

August 26th, 2008, 15:07 pm

Great post, Leo..The whole idea of comparing ourselves to others boils down, in part, to a bigger issue: how we get our self worth. For many people, a large part of their self worth is dependent on how they see themselves when compared to others. So, the girl who is skinny might compare herself to someone who is overweight in order to feel better. Similarly, someone who is trying to climb the social ladder at work might compare themselves to someone who is under them. Conversely, that same person may compare themselves to their superior and feel differently altogether. Thanks for sharing this:)

Jimbo Says:

August 26th, 2008, 15:44 pm

Leo,

Posts like this breed a “loser mentality” in people - of course I am not suggesting that people be down on themselves; instead, everyone should actively search for ways to better themselves and move on up, so to speak.

All this talk about learn to love etc is what losers say and frankly, allows people to embrace the status quo, even if it isn’t the zenith of what they can achieve…

Sarah Says:

August 26th, 2008, 16:03 pm

(first time poster, long time reader)
ive been noticing i do this constantly lately. especially about my looks. ive been trying to get back into the gym so i can hopefully stop comparing myself to everyone. its tough. but i guess im one step there. being aware. since ive been annoying even myself with how ive been acting!

theothermonkey Says:

August 26th, 2008, 16:17 pm

Hi Leo
What a great post! Thanks for putting it up on the http://www. Just as I was beginning to compare myself to other established bloggers, your post came along and cheered me up. I keep on forgetting that we need to be easier on ourselves and stop comparing all the time, it only leads to sadness and frustration.

PurpleJack Says:

August 26th, 2008, 16:21 pm

Great article. And funnily enough, it’s just what I needed right now!

Max Says:

August 26th, 2008, 16:37 pm

As Mjukr says, we can never know what’s going on beneath someone else’s surface. Everything we think about someone else is projection. So comparisons amount to a torture device - and a very effective one - fashioned from pure make-believe.

Every time I catch myself making a comparison (and I usually catch it because I notice the crappy feeling that follows), I use this pithy 14th-century popular saying as a reminder: “Comparisons are odious”. Snaps me right out of it! And I love the sound of it :)

Max Says:

August 26th, 2008, 16:39 pm

Sorry! *Fifteenth*-century saying.

العاب شمس الدين Says:

August 26th, 2008, 16:45 pm

This is an excellent post . Thanks a lot . I am grateful to you .

Fit Bottomed Girl Says:

August 26th, 2008, 16:53 pm

Agreed!!! I find that the older I get, the less I compare myself to others. We’re all on different paths with different abilities and interests. It doesn’t make any sense to waste your time comparing yourself to others.

Leo Says:

August 26th, 2008, 18:28 pm

Thanks for all the nice feedback, everyone!

@Jimbo: I have to heartily disagree with you here. I’m not sure what you mean by “loser mentality”, but it seems to suggest that there are winners and losers in life. I don’t agree — this isn’t a competition. You don’t get an award at the end of life to tell you that you won.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with trying to improve yourself — in fact, I think if you stop comparing yourself to others, and focus instead on what you want to accomplish, you’re more likely to be motivated to achieve it. If you compare yourself to others and find that you’re always behind, you’ll be down on yourself and be less motivated.

David Hune Says:

August 26th, 2008, 18:54 pm

Great article, like always!

From experience I agree with what you’re saying - almost a year ago I decided to stop comparing myself with others, and to stop caring about what others think about my actions and my life. I moved to a new city (London, UK - a city I had always wanted to live in), started working freelance (instead of the traditional ‘job security’ of a permanent contract) and started feeling a lot better about life.

Since moving I’ve taken the time to travel, start a gym membership (after being ‘lazy’ a couple of years), taken up Spanish lessons, decided to go skydiving in the spring (another dream), and more. Needless to say, I feel much better about life, the world and everything compared to earlier..

Looking more at ones own needs instead of the expectations of others frees up much energy for the dreams you always had.

Dave Krunal Says:

August 26th, 2008, 19:46 pm

Thanks Leo. A Sensible Post.

Digitalnative Says:

August 26th, 2008, 20:46 pm

Great post. Did my Master’s Thesis on how temporal and social comparisons impact self efficacy in sport. That was a loooong time ago, but the basic principles still apply.

Carey Ryan Says:

August 26th, 2008, 22:41 pm

Leo:

One thing I’ve learned from Stephen Covey that sticks with me is the ‘”4 C’s of Emotional Cancer”:

Criticizing
Complaining
Competing
and of course
Comparing

Thanks for the post!

Mr. H Says:

August 27th, 2008, 9:40 am

I cannot tell you how bad I needed this post. Thank you, endlessly.

becoming minimalist Says:

August 27th, 2008, 9:45 am

the problem is that we compare what we do know about ourselves against what we don’t know about the other person.

Bert Says:

August 27th, 2008, 10:06 am

Leo,

I must disagree with you on this post and most of what’s been said in response to it.

Your post follows a trend that’s occurred in society which advocates a lack of competition or lack of comparison between oneself and others. This is done I suspect to shelter people from the harsh realities of the world – to protect people from having feelings of inadequacy. Your post is actually encouraging people to avoid discovering who they truly are - to live in a fantasy world where I’m O.K., even if I’m not efficacious – to be mediocre and to be satisfied with that mediocrity. Not only is this dangerous, but it goes against human nature.

When you suggest to people that they should stop comparing themselves to others, you’re telling them that they don’t need to measure themselves by any objective standard. You are saying that “It’s a sure-fire recipe for a drop in self-confidence and for unhappiness. It’s also not that useful” I would suggest to you that it’s one of the most “useful” activities we can do. Telling people to stop comparing themselves to others is the kind of advice that helps people feel better about themselves, but it doesn’t actually help them. In fact, it’s one of the greatest disservices we can offer to someone. If we want to better ourselves, the first step we must take is an honest, objective assessment of who we truly are. If that brings up some harsh realities, so be it. After all, as Nathaniel Branden states, “you can’t leave a place you’ve never been to”. One way to begin bettering ourselves is to view ourselves in an objective world, rather than a subjective one. In an objective world, I cannot run the 100 meter dash in under 20 seconds. That’s reality. However, if I want to become an Olympian, I must COMPARE myself to the existing standard. The existing standard is 9.69 seconds. If I accept that reality, I will avoid being in a world of pain for years to come, uselessly trying to become a champion runner when there’s really no reasonable way possible to achieve this.

The key point here is that my value as a person does not go down because of that. I’m just dealing with reality. I think this is where your post is dangerous. As people, we cannot live in a bubble thinking that everything’s O.K. when it is not. If I’m a firefighter and I cannot keep up with my colleagues, well it could mean life or death for them or me. I could give you a million more examples of where it is dangerous for us to feel that we are just as good as others.

We must have some objective standard by which we measure ourselves. One way to do that is to compare ourselves to others. I think the reason it’s in vogue to say that we shouldn’t compare ourselves to others is because so often, so many people make others the source of their self-esteem, not themselves. Their feelings are then hurt by the conclusions they make. We are all intrinsically valuable, no matter what. Whether we measure up to others in skills or success or any other currency, nothing can change that fact. But by measuring ourselves against an objective standard, we can aspire to greater things. We have a reasonable goal to strive for, not one that’s based on the illusion that competition is bad, or that someone did better than me, and that’s a bad thing.

Do compare yourself to others. But don’t measure your value as a person by the result of your comparison.

Henriette Weber Kristiansen Says:

August 27th, 2008, 13:14 pm

Hi Leo - yeah you really made me think there. I strive to perfection in everything evolving my business. I shouldn’t. I allready know what I am good at and what I am not good at.

thank you. endlessly

peganka Says:

August 27th, 2008, 14:14 pm

Thanks for this post!
The most useful for me should be advises about knoking and journey.
I discovered that I used to criticise others a lot (mentally mainly). I was guessing that this habit is bad, and bad for me first of all. But I had no idea how get rid.

Journey, expedition, trip - is very special and difficult situation, where we must support each other. )))
That’s great idea!

Jamie Says:

August 27th, 2008, 16:20 pm

Perfect post at the perfect time. I constantly compare myself to others, despite being generally happy and grateful for most things in my life. Thank you.

Laura G Says:

August 27th, 2008, 17:08 pm

I have a question about one point in this post: You said we shouldn’t compare ourselves to others, but instead focus on our own strengths. But how can we figure those out?
1) We compare ourselves now to ourselves in the past. But we were in such different places then versus now. If I was a huge fish in a tiny pond, then by comparison I’ve *lost* all my strength.
2) We base it on others’ feedback. No good — self-worth comes from within, not without.
3) We compare ourselves to people we perceive as peers. No good — for all the reasons you outline.

So is there a #4 I’m completely missing? I can look within for my passions, no problem, but my strengths aren’t nearly as easy.

Leo Says:

August 27th, 2008, 17:38 pm

@Laura G: Thanks for the question! How do we figure out our strengths? That’s a question that requires a longer explanation than I can give here, but I think it’s more of an intuitive question:

* What are you good at?
* What do you love to do?
* What do you feel are your best qualities?
* What are your best talents?
* Feedback from others isn’t bad — it gives you one indication of what you do well — although you shouldn’t base your entire self-worth on this.

Just some ideas. In the end, it’s a very personal question. Maybe I should do a post on this.

straykat Says:

August 27th, 2008, 20:53 pm

First entry that has ever moved me enough to comment. It was helpful and timely, I am always comparing myself to others and recently got over a bout of depression from this. Which leads to my problem…If I already have a negative thought loop playing in my head when comparing myself to others (which I usually do) I find it hard to identify any personal strengths or blessings. Anyone have advice for honing in on them, especially with the negative thought loop playing?

Jalen Says:

August 27th, 2008, 22:37 pm

You always post something at least once a week that is right on the mark of what I am thinking about.

Thank you for this amazing post, and blog!

CYWONG Says:

August 28th, 2008, 0:00 am

I like the point of ‘Learn to love enough’. Most of the stress in our daily life is that we are to greedy to have more than what we should have.

Tendency to go for excel is great for everybody but if we always wish to expand our luxury life. Finally we will end up with a lot of stress and trouble. Our desire will never burned out to fight for luxury life. The moment we reach the point of luxury. We will start to have a different ways of thinking. It is a endless process. The moment you have million. you will start to think of billion. Should we really need so much of money to live our life. Why not share our wealthy with someone that is lack of opportunity and really need the financial support.

Great Post.

A person who really understand the root of stress in life is the person who really know the meaning of life.

You did a good job.

Julio Says:

August 28th, 2008, 21:14 pm

Hi Leo, Thanks for another great post! I’m usually okay with comparing myself to others. I find it useful to learn from other people’s successes or failures. What I take issue with is when I get compared to other people. How do you deal with that?

FrugalNYC Says:

August 29th, 2008, 0:06 am

Several comments remind me of The Law of Attraction as described by the books “The Secret” and “The Answer”. I’ve just finished reading “The Answer” and am now catching up on Leo’s posts.

Though I don’t fully understand or agree with what those books teach, I do believe that we attract like ideas to ourselves. If we are interested in something, we tend to look for more of it. If you buy a new car, you tend to notice similar cars that you see all around you. Positive thinking attracts mor