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Listen Up: How Honest Communication Can Save Your Marriage

Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Corey of The Simple Marriage Project.

Throughout my career as a marriage coach and a marriage and family therapist, the number one issue voiced by most couples is “we have trouble communicating.” It’s a common complaint. And many couples think they would benefit from communication training.

Many seem to think if they could better express themselves or if their spouse would only listen and understand what they mean then things in the marriage would dramatically improve. “Maybe if I learned to be more assertive and use more ‘I’ statements we’d have less problems.” While the thought may be genuine and the results of actually implementing some of these techniques may improve the marriage a bit, in my experience the improvements won’t be lasting.

When you get right down to it, communication in marriage is not about being understood by each other, communication is about handling what another person thinks and feels. You see, married couples don’t have trouble communicating. They communicate all too well.

In a committed relationship, you can not not communicate (pardon the double negative).

Communication problems happen because you don’t like what the other person has to say. For instance, you may want your spouse to be more emotionally open and share their feelings, but you interrupt them when they say things you find unpleasant or disagree with (in your view, you may just want to keep the conversation “accurate”). You want a more expressive spouse, but want to control what they express.

Even if you are not talking to each other, you’re still communicating. You each know you don’t want to hear what the other has to say.

Communication break downs occur because you don’t like what the other person is saying, or not saying, not because you can’t communicate. Communicating in marriage is all about being able to handle the message.

When two people are able to handle the message, honesty increases. And when honesty in a relationship increases, you grow more as an individual and closer together. Through this growth you are capable of reaching new levels of passion and intimacy.

So in an effort to grow closer to you loyal Zen Habits readers, I’ll be honest. I’m writing this guest post in the hopes that Simple Marriage’s message will spread and more people will discover ways to get more out of marriage and life. I also hope you’ll benefit from this post and the passion level in your relationships and life will increase… I feel closer to you already.

But being honest with you is not the same as being honest with a spouse. It’s more and more difficult to be honest in each relationship up the hierarchy of importance. As the importance of the person increases, often the level of deep honesty decreases. Largely because their reactions to what you truly think mean more to you and involve more risk.

So my wife calls me up and asks how my morning was. I respond with “good, just writing away.” When in reality, I wasted the entire morning reading other blogs and searching for the latest gadget that will change my life forever. I don’t want to admit to her that I’m lazy. That means I’m admitting it to myself as well.

Or you’re sitting on the beach with your spouse as an attractive member of the opposite sex walks by. At that moment your spouse asks you what you’re thinking, do you tell them?

Being honest brings about growth in yourself and your spouse. If your thoughts are totally inappropriate in the beach scenario, you probably don’t share them with your spouse. But what does your honesty, or lack of honesty, say about you?

So how do you increase the honesty in marriage?

1. Speak up. By speaking up I’m not saying that you remove the filter between your brain and mouth, but speak up more. How often do you avoid replying or bringing something up out of fear of your partner’s reaction? There are times when you need to speak up in order to help your marriage and each other grow.

Many couples fall victim to thinking “if my spouse really cared about me, they’d be able to figure out what I’m feeling or thinking.” What part of your vows stated you’d read each other’s minds for as long as you both shall live? I’m guessing that wasn’t part of the ceremony.

Stop sitting back waiting for your spouse to pick up on the fact that you’re frustrated, pissed, hurt, or lonely and speak up. Two things will happen. One, you will grow up a bit more because you’ve taken charge of your thoughts and emotions and two, your partner will grow up because you’re treating them like an adult who’s capable of handling your thoughts and emotions.

2. Make the obvious, obvious. If you’ve had a stressful day at work, when you come home you know it’s likely to be stressful there as well, right? So rather than letting the elephant in the room (the stress level in your life) walk around freely, point it out before you and your spouse get in to it.

A simple “hey honey, good to see you, (kiss), I’d like about 5 minutes to decompress from my day before I hear about your day, alright?”

Another way to make the obvious obvious is when the discussion starts to get heated, point it out. When you raise your voice in a conversation, it’s no longer about what’s best for all the people involved, it’s about your power and your pride.

3. Grow up. Many people go kicking and screaming into adulthood. I was one of them. I wanted things my way! Still do at times. I used to think that life was all about me. And problems occurred when other people didn’t know this.

Marriage grows you up. Living with another person forces you to grow up. And just when it seems your spouse is done growing you up, your kids take over. That’s a simple fact of marriage.

Recognize this and harness the energy it creates. Rather than seeing your spouse as someone who doesn’t get you, see them as someone who may want more from you. They may be looking for an erotic lover, a passionate friend, a warrior, a true supporter, or simply a partner in life’s adventure.

Read more from Corey at The Simple Marriage Project (or subscribe to his feed).

Listen Up: How Honest Communication Can Save Your Marriage

Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Corey of The Simple Marriage Project.

In a committed relationship, you can not not communicate (pardon the double negative).

Even if you are not talking to each other, you’re still communicating. You each know you don’t want to hear what the other has to say.

Or you’re sitting on the beach with your spouse as an attractive member of the opposite sex walks by. At that moment your spouse asks you what you’re thinking, do you tell them?

So how do you increase the honesty in marriage?

A simple “hey honey, good to see you, (kiss), I’d like about 5 minutes to decompress from my day before I hear about your day, alright?”

Marriage grows you up. Living with another person forces you to grow up. And just when it seems your spouse is done growing you up, your kids take over. That’s a simple fact of marriage.

Read more from Corey at The Simple Marriage Project (or subscribe to his feed).

Posted on 21 October 2008 in Finance & Family |
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Comments (64)

Fit Bottomed GIrl Says:

October 21st, 2008, 22:29 pm

That was a great guest post. Corey, I’m totally going to check out your blog. And make my husband read this, as we BOTH have room to improve. ;)

A. Dawn Says:

October 21st, 2008, 22:30 pm

I think being honest with each other is very important. Also, both parties should pick a trustworthy friend to express their opinions and should work together to resolve issues they are having trouble with.
Cheers,
A Dawn Journal
http://www.adawnjournal.com

Miss Gisele B | myBeautyMatch.com Says:

October 21st, 2008, 22:33 pm

Leo,

This is such a great reminder on some of the basics of relationships.

I my humble opinion, communication, honesty, friendship and a lot of laugher are the fundamentals to a good marriage.

Miss Gisele B.

LiveWellSimply Says:

October 21st, 2008, 22:37 pm

Good advice!

Tabitha (From Single to Married) Says:

October 21st, 2008, 22:39 pm

How interesting… I like the part about how we don’t have problems communicating, we just have problems with what’s being communicated. That’s probably true. I think most people in this day and age know how to communicate to some extent. But trying to understand and actually listen to that communication is huge.

Success Professor - Danny Gamache Says:

October 21st, 2008, 22:56 pm

Corey,
Great post. I’m a big fan of your blog - everyone should check it out.

I love the quote, “When you get right down to it, communication in marriage is not about being understood by each other, communication is about handling what another person thinks and feels.”

Thanks!

Vincent Says:

October 21st, 2008, 23:16 pm

Hi Corey,

Nice post you got there. On the first point,you mentioned speak up, I totally agree that sometimes we tend to have a reaction that tell us that “our other half should know about it” and it is totally wrong. The other half don’t know what you are thinking about unless you say something.

Cheers
Vincent
Personal Development Blogger

Jamie | WiredParentPad Says:

October 21st, 2008, 23:53 pm

I couldn’t agree more with #3 Grow Up. All too often I see other couples engaged in power struggles about money or sex or how to raise their kids - pull away all of the bs and what your left with is someone who simply wants it their way (and no other way).

A couple my wife and I are good friends with a couple where the wife often complains about the husband not doing his part in the nightly routine of getting their two small children to bed. The ironic part is that when he does do his part, it’s never done “right”. He either doesn’t wash them up well enough or he gives them the wrong snack or whatever.

Along the same lines as “growing up”… If more couples simply grew up and didn’t act like they’re reliving their college years, the divorce rate in this country would be much less than what it is today.

Writer Dad Says:

October 22nd, 2008, 0:24 am

My wife and I work together. We get a long famously. Our disagreements are rare, and done with even voice. You’re absolutely right. It’s all about communication. On both sides. One partner has to be willing to deliver the total message, the other has to be willing to hear it. Simple as that.

Stephen - Balanced Existence Says:

October 22nd, 2008, 1:13 am

I agree that we are never not communicating. Even when we say nothing we are saying something by saying nothing :)

To me successful communication is shared meaning and shared meaning takes effort from both participants in the communication process.

Also right on on the grow up comments. Most of us are who we were developmentally at age 12. Time to develop into an adult.

Simple Sapien Says:

October 22nd, 2008, 1:25 am

Corey,

Thank you for skipping the BS and providing an honest article! I am not married yet, but I am in a serious relationship, and the same principles apply. I set the ground rules with my girlfriend before our relationship even started. I promised that I would be honest with her, even when it would made me look bad or upset her. I told her that I expected the same from her as well. This has helped us communicate from the beginning. And as you said, it is all about how you interpret the communication that you are receiving that counts. We knew that are honesty was not intended to hurt one another, and that is why it works.

There is one thing I would like to add. Communicating your honesty to your partner when things are going well is just as important as communicating when things are going horrible. When things are going smooth and you have nothing to complain about in your relationship, remind them how much you love them! Let them know how you appreciate them and all the little and big things they do for you. Who doesn’t like hearing that? :) Show your love, speak your love, prove your love, defend your love… they are worth it!

@ Gisele B - Laughter and friendship… oh so true. Those are key.

- Jack Rugile
Simple Sapien

John Ek Says:

October 22nd, 2008, 1:32 am

The best thing you can do is explain what makes you relax and what makes you productive. My fiance has helped me understand that if I help her understand what makes me more productive that it really does make me more productive.

banji - Lesson In Life Says:

October 22nd, 2008, 1:56 am

Genius.. I can actually relate to your message.

You have in a way describe this in the post - How we can’t really read other people’s mind. Another factor that leads to communication break down is when we assume to much. We assume that people will understand what we said, or we assume that the wife is hating us so we react by hating her more. She is actually just a bit stressed with her job and that’s all. Our assumption is actually only making it worse.

Thanks

Michelle Says:

October 22nd, 2008, 2:41 am

I loved reading your post, and totally agree about the communication aspects. It all gets bogged down by needing the other person to ‘hear’ you, instead of listening to what they have to say. I used to have a huge problem thinking if only I could use language in a way that would make him understand my POV. Now I try to listen more.

Hot Alpha Female Says:

October 22nd, 2008, 3:25 am

Well this is one of my favorite topics!! Love it!!

I think communication is so important. Don’t you just love that insightful comment.

But seriously now, it brings up an important point. Which is that men and women communicate on different levels.

If any of you have read Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus then you know what i’m talking about.

As well as this people as individuals can communicate on 3 levels.

Like audio, kinestic and visual. For example an audio person is one that loves to be told “you love them” and a kinestic person is one that likes to show “you love them” by hugging kissing and be physically close to them

When you first start dating someone. You operate on all three levels but then when you get more comfortable with that person then you drop back down to your primary means of communication.

When people operate at two different levels then one person may not feel like the other loves them, when really its just their means of communication are not in sync.

Recognizing this could mean the difference between a relationship that does work out and one that does not.

Great post!

Hot Alpha Female

http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com

Daphne Says:

October 22nd, 2008, 6:27 am

Excellent post! It’s so true that we mistake communication to mean that we’ll just have to keep yelling till the other person agrees with what we say! I’m learning to listen to what the other person is saying instead, even if I don’t like the message. Thanks for the reminder!

I’m going to subscribe to your blog. Keep the great posts coming!

Michael, Go Success Now Says:

October 22nd, 2008, 7:08 am

Corey,
Nice post. I am not married, but one thing it’s for sure: what you mentioned in the post definitely works in a simple relationship too.
Many people say that communication is the key in a marriage or a relationship, and this is true, but if you have just verbal communication, which everyone means (as the key) than this is not enough…
There are things that are beyond communication, sometimes listening is communication, speaking up your mind (telling you partner what concerns you), being more open, that’s communication.

I agree with what you said “Many couples fall victim to thinking “if my spouse really cared about me, they’d be able to figure out what I’m feeling or thinking.” When you don’t speak up, the problem is causing damage that is invincible, and when it comes out is hard to control. People need grow up and understand if they don’t speak up, it damages their marriage, and this is why so many relationships fail.

I subscribed to your blog. Nice blog.

Michael

Corey - Simple Marriage Project Says:

October 22nd, 2008, 8:16 am

@Everyone- Thanks for all the great comments and support, as well as additions to this idea.

I completely agree that these principles don’t just apply to marriage (or committed relationships), they are in every relationship that matters in our life.

Great discussion!

Miss Attica Says:

October 22nd, 2008, 8:27 am

Thanks for a great post!

I think all married couples at some poing get in touch with each others weaknesses. Which is one of the reasons marriage is such a great arena for personal growth. We should cherish our spouses all the more for giving us this opportunity! Instead this is a person we most often take for granted.

I felt this was for me:

“When you raise your voice in a conversation, it’s no longer about what’s best for all the people involved, it’s about your power and your pride.” I will keep this close as a reminder the next time my volume increases…

Miss Attica
http://missattica.blogspot.com/

johnlazy Says:

October 22nd, 2008, 8:44 am

Nice post Corey, Communication is vital in any kind of relationship.

Mike King Says:

October 22nd, 2008, 8:54 am

You points about how you are still communicating even when you are not saying anything are spot on! There is more communication with your body, actions and posture than your words can ever say. That is also why a spouse learns when you are not being honest with your words, because they know and have learned your every move and action, so often see right through your words. Great advice to get around this!

MLE Says:

October 22nd, 2008, 9:05 am

i think that many times we forget these basic things. i had an experience the other day that lead to confusion because i didn’t think of how my partner would have interpreted what i said. through communication i was able to understand where they why they may have misunderstood what i had overlay ed.

great post.

Eugene (Editor, Varsity Blah) Says:

October 22nd, 2008, 9:44 am

“If you need to mention that something goes without saying, it probably doesn’t.” – Jamie Whyte

Still Life in Buenos Aires Says:

October 22nd, 2008, 10:04 am

This is a great message. Thanks Corey.

@Banji–I agree that assuming is a huge danger. I try not to assume “This person is trying to hurt me on purpose” because most of the time he or she is not on the same wavelength as me. Best just to “grow up” as Corey says and bring it up.

I’ve given up the hope that people will read my mind. :-)

Corey - Simple Marriage Project Says:

October 22nd, 2008, 10:47 am

@Eugene- Great quote! Thanks.

Maria | Never the Same River Twice Says:

October 22nd, 2008, 10:55 am

Corrie, this is a great post. It can apply to all long term committed relationships - not just a marriage. (I’ve been “happily unmarried” for over eight years now, so I just have to point that out :)

Pace Says:

October 22nd, 2008, 11:18 am

Corey,

Well said. I’m happy you guest posted here, because I also blog about communication in relationships and it makes me happy to find someone else doing good work that helps people be happy together.

See you on your blog!

Mellefont Says:

October 22nd, 2008, 11:22 am

Yipppeeee, something on r’ships! Fabulous post.

When I divorced my first husband I could see that he wasn’t capable of growing (with me or on his own-hint check out your love’s parents and their r’ship!!!!). I asked him at the end of Divorceland if he ever wondered what happened to us. His reply No Not Really.

floodXiao Says:

October 22nd, 2008, 12:11 pm

Last day, we talk about marriage in the english class too. Many student have their opinion , and we discuss vehemently, at the last, we all agree with the opinion, which is marriage is a type of friendship, couples each should treat like a friend

Angel Cuala Says:

October 22nd, 2008, 12:24 pm

Very true and the truth hurts. There are those who chooses to tell white lies rather than bringing out the real issue. This is one false belief that some couples are NOT aware. Honesty is still the best policy.

Assumption is definitely a very unhealthy habit, no matter how long the marriage is. Although action seems to be better than words, it is not for always.

In effect, they are more hurting the better half. Yes, pride is the source of all of this especially when both are working and aiming to bring home the bigger bacon.

James @ Organize IT Says:

October 22nd, 2008, 12:26 pm

One very good piece of advice I got was to never go to sleep on an argument. Personally, if we have a falling out I want it resolved as soon as possible so that we can both move on. Being moody or sulking with your partner for a protracted period of time just seems like a big waste of energy and isn’t very productive.

Leah Says:

October 22nd, 2008, 12:34 pm

Lovely post, Cory. One thing that I wonder about that’s not addressed above - *when* to “speak up.” My partner and I both have very busy lives, and at times can go a week or more with just barely seeing each other during the mornings and evenings. I’ve often held off (and currently am holding off) on discussing problems or issues or conflicts because we so rarely see each other. When we do see each other, I like to have positive experiences, so that doesn’t seem like a great time to bring up something that might be uncomfortable.

Jonathan Mead Says:

October 22nd, 2008, 12:46 pm

Wonderful post Corey. Congratulations on the opportunity to share your knowledge with others here.

Bunny got Blog Says:

October 22nd, 2008, 13:07 pm

Great article.

I like the beach scenario but I think it is rude to google at people of the opposite sex especially when you are in the company of your significant other.

Sharon Wilson Says:

October 22nd, 2008, 13:39 pm

Great Insight Cory!
Communication is obviously key in any type of relationship. Thanks for posting such an inspiring Blog.

Maya Says:

October 22nd, 2008, 13:48 pm

I love number 2. Stating the obvious is a really hard habit to get into, but it has done wonders for my marriage! My husband and I also practice “breathe” …where we just go away for a few minutes and take time and breathe ….to cool down when discussions get heated :)

Gail Robey Says:

October 22nd, 2008, 14:52 pm

Hi Cory, great article. I have been married for 17 years, and it is so true. I have finally realized that it’s hard for my husband to be honest with me, because I want him to be, but I freak out when he really is. I’m working on it and it helps.

It’s true, that when I get home from work, I need time to decompress. If I forget that, or forget to say it - all hell can break loose pretty fast.

You forgot to mention - have a sense of humor! That is the glue that keeps us together, I think.

Take care,
Gail

Corey - Simple Marriage Project Says:

October 22nd, 2008, 15:26 pm

@Leah- I understand that when you don’t get to see your significant other often you don’t want to rock the boat while together. But don’t you think that they can sense there is something going on with you while you’re together? I prefer to speak up regardless. When the part of you speaking up is the “best in you”, the side of you that’s honest, caring, loving, and growing, then it’s better for you AND your significant other.

Maura Says:

October 22nd, 2008, 16:07 pm

I’ve sadly witnessed individuals in relationships and/or long-term marraiges that haven’t grown up as a result. It’s not the relationship that makes this happen, but the individual. A relationship can be, but is not always, a crucible for growth.

Corey, I missed something here - are you saying couples do communicate (”I’m self-absorbed and non-communicative!” “I don’t want to hear that!”), or that they need to communicate (”I haven’t explained myself well or let you know what I need…can we talk?”).

One point you make that I really like: relationships are not for the faint of heart… you have to be willing to hear what the other person is saying, even if it hurts. But hopefully, as you grow up, you learn how to communicate truth with care, in a loving, non-threatening way.

Hayden Tompkins Says:

October 22nd, 2008, 16:26 pm

“When two people are able to handle the message, honesty increases.”

That is SO IMPORTANT and I am glad that you highlighted it. It is crucial that a couple be able to communicate without getting defensive.

Great article!

Corey - Simple Marriage Project Says:

October 22nd, 2008, 18:06 pm

@Maura- Everything we do in committed relationships communicates. We can’t help it.

With this view the focus becomes learning how to handle the messages better, or at the very least, asking for clarification on the message.

NYC Says:

October 22nd, 2008, 18:11 pm

People have issues: ego, hubris, self-esteem, whatever else you can think of. Discussing honestly about the negatives is not effective, despite our best intentions.

Here’s a though: if you want something, MENTION it, but don’t mention you WANT it.

Make sure the other person thinks that he is doing it out of his own discretion, NOT because you want him/her to do it.

J.D. Meier Says:

October 22nd, 2008, 22:35 pm

I forget the actual ratio, but successful couples have a substantially higher-degree of positive statements vs. negative statements. Substantially higher.

You can think of it like rose-colored glasses when you first fall head over heals. Some people take their glasses off and apparently that’s part of the downfall. You get what you focus on and you can spiral up or spiral down depending on what you give and get.

Laurie Says:

October 22nd, 2008, 22:49 pm

Corey,
Wonderful post full of wisdom. Is there anything that you shouldn’t be honest about in a marriage? What if you know the other person is not at a place to handle the truth? What then?

You have a great blog as well. I hope everyone here joins in the Simple Marriage Community. You always share great things that help us grow! :O) Good job!

Rose Garden Says:

October 22nd, 2008, 22:51 pm

Thanks for the nice post, Corey!

@banji - excellent point. Assuming not only that someone knows how we feel or what we think, but that what we think about how someone feels or what they think is correct — are both communication pitfalls.

Evelyn Lim Says:

October 22nd, 2008, 23:25 pm

I’d agree with making the obvious, obvious. In fact, I’ve published a post on this, just three days ago, to illustrate how important it is to clarify our intentions and to refrain from crossing the line into interpretation when what we need to do is really observing. Most certainly, learning the art of skillful communication can help deepen relationships!

Clinton Armitage Says:

October 23rd, 2008, 4:05 am

I think too much conversational honesty can also hurt a relationship - as with all things there is a great degree of complication between the theory and practice of interpersonal communication. Sometimes an “honest” comment (for most men, an attempt to set her “right”) can break a person, serve to diminish or shame them, and tear a piece out of their self esteem. Sometimes we lash out in the name of honesty / accuracy for our own needs instead of pausing to understand, and then respond instead of just reacting. May all be well

Juliet Says:

October 23rd, 2008, 11:22 am

I love your view of the fact that the problem lies in not being able to handle the verbal communication. That is so true, yet so unnoticed!

For me it extends especially to feelings. Who wants to see a partner hurting?

Juliet

Othon Reyes Says:

October 23rd, 2008, 11:38 am

Thank you. As simple as that, you write a great post!!1. Thank you

Stephie Says:

October 23rd, 2008, 17:29 pm

I was curious about the line about whether to be honest about seeing another girl on the beach. Should a guy be honest and say he did take a glance?

Practical Motivations Says:

October 23rd, 2008, 18:07 pm

I can’t agree more.

Rori Raye Says:

October 24th, 2008, 23:11 pm

Terrific post. And I totally believe in saying - “That was a babe - didn’t you think so?” And “I wish I could say I worked hard, but I’ve been absorbed in blogs all morning…”

And THEN - you get to respond honestly to what your spouse says - which is the way to keep the juice going forever in a marriage.

Sincerely, Rori

Laura Says:

October 25th, 2008, 9:28 am

This post is full of good info, thank you for posting it. I have a further question though. You say:

“Communication break downs occur because you don’t like what the other person is saying, or not saying, not because you can’t communicate. Communicating in marriage is all about being able to handle the message.

Could we have a post on how to “handle the message”? I am all about the communication in theory, but often I can’t seem to help but overreact when I hear something that I perceive as threatening (or is threatening), either on a basic level or even a superficial one. And my hubby can’t help but shut down sometimes when he perceives that I am overreacting (even when I am not). I just also realized that we reverse these positions quite frequently — he overreacts, I shut down.

And as a corollary to that, what if the message is truly threatening? How to do it? How to respond? How to make sure that the communication keeps going?

Laura

Corey - Simple Marriage Project Says:

October 25th, 2008, 18:56 pm

@Laura- Great point. I have written a few times about this over at the Simple Marriage Project. I’ll put together a future post to cover this. (I know this may be a blatant sales pitch to head over to my blog, but it’s honest:))

Anna Says:

October 25th, 2008, 19:34 pm

Corey~This is a great post. I agree with your points and suggestions. Being a therapist myself, I’ve heard myself saying these same things to people! I will definitely be checking out your site.
~Anna

Takumi86 Says:

October 26th, 2008, 13:24 pm

Lol that 3 tips is the most kicking in the butt, thats true and its really hard to increase honesty in your marriage, i’m still single but i do know how it feel like to be a marriage person. The most importantly is the loyalty and honesty to your couple

George Says:

October 26th, 2008, 22:04 pm

this is really nice post.communication is really important to any relationship. guessing what is wrong takes time. honesty makes it different

Bellesouth Says:

October 28th, 2008, 1:59 am

I’ve always thought honesty was crucial in any relationship. Every breakup I’ve seen has been the result of lies. I think if people were more forthcoming about themselves we’d have a lot happier marriages.

Pace Says:

October 28th, 2008, 9:49 am

@Bellesouth,

I agree, but in my experience a lot of the dishonesty isn’t intentional lies, it’s being dishonest with oneself. “Sure, honey, that’s fine, I’m okay, it isn’t a problem,” one person says, then builds up resentment. They might not even be aware of the resentment until it boils over and starts causing friction in totally unrelated areas of the relationship.

This is just one example, but I’ve seen hundreds. You can’t be truly honest with someone else unless you’re truly honest with yourself first, and that means knowing yourself deeply and well.

Ken LaDeroute Says:

October 30th, 2008, 20:32 pm

Dear Corey,

My marriage is everything to me. Last month my wife and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary, we’re both very proud. I was thrilled to read your post on communication — we’re doing a lot of what your wrote about. I guess that’s part of the reason why we’re successful. I wrote a post on my own blog about our personal relationship and our Secret Ingredients!

http://www.affirmationpower.com/blog/?p=162

Thanks for your great post and work toward improving people’s lives and marriages.

Ken LaDeroute
http://www.affirmationpower.com

PMRL Says:

November 3rd, 2008, 19:52 pm

I agree with the article, and I now have an additional question.

How does a person measure the degree to which they are “Not liking what the other one is saying”?

If you are lucky the person is able to admit they don’t like what you are saying and is able to separate the feelings from the person. What if a person admits they doesn’t like the message, but can’t manage to find a way to “move forward”?

Don’t many arguments boil down to, one or both parties thinking that the other is wrong? Most would agree with the “Grow Up” part, but would you say to your partner “Grow Up” if they don’t feel their perspective/opinion is invalid/inmature to begin with.

If a therapist is used to help identify possible areas that either party needs to “grow-up”, doesn’t that merely risk alienating the party that “Doesn’t like what the other person is saying”? I mean just because more than one person says something, isn’t that similar to turning up the volume? What if both parties have friends/therapists that have conflicting perspectives? They support one person or the other but there isn’t consensus?

Corey - Simple Marriage Project Says:

November 4th, 2008, 12:20 pm

@PMRL- Great questions. I will attempt to cover some of this in future posts over at my blog. Hope you’ll come check it out.

Jelena Says:

November 9th, 2008, 14:10 pm

Laura, you asked what to do if you perceive something that your husband says threatening or if the message is truly threatening. Well you cant change the way he is and the way he reacts on things, but you can certainly change your response to him.

I think listening is most important in relationship. People often say, you have to voice your opinion, make sure your partner hears what you have to say (or dont say), but we often forget to listen to them as well. Communication breaks down because of that, because the other person doesnt wanna hear, or doesnt like what the other has to say.

Listening without trying to get defensive (blaming your spouse) and taking responsibility for your actions, ensures communication line stays open and helps solve problems. Make sure not only to listen but hear him as well - by getting the message, understanding his point.

Anyways, i think you ensure communication keeps going by listening. Then you can look for the solution of the problem you two are having.