How to be a Great Dad - 12 Awesome Tips

Every Tuesday is Finance & Family Day at Zen Habits.

I’m often asked about raising six kids, and being productive and achieving goals and changing habits in the midst of raising so many kids. But here’s the thing: I do all the other stuff, the productivity stuff, because of my kids.

They, and my wife, are my reason for being.

It is my lifelong goal to be the best dad possible, and while there are many ways I can still improve, I think I’m a pretty great dad already, when I sit back and think about it. I know there are some readers who are just starting out in their careers as dads, and this post is for you.

How can you be a great dad? As always, my list of tips:

Put their interests first, always. Do you enjoy drinking or smoking? Guess what — it’s not good for them, and you’re setting an example with everything you do. I quit smoking about 18 months ago not for my sake, but for my kids. Now, it is still important to take care of yourself (otherwise you can’t take care of them), but you should still have them in mind.
Protect them. As a dad, one of your main roles is protector. There are many ways you need to do this. Safety is one: child-proof your home, teach them good safety habits, set a good example by using your seatbelt, make sure they use a car seat if below a certain age & weight, etc. But financial protection is also important: have life insurance, car insurance, an emergency fund, a will.
Spend your spare time with them. When we get home from work, often we’re tired and just want to relax. But this is the only time we have with them during the weekdays, often, and you shouldn’t waste it. Take this time to find out about their day, lay on the couch with them. On weekends, devote as much time as possible to them. While work may be your passion, it won’t be long before they’re grown and no longer want to spend time with you. Take advantage of these years. The thing kids want most from their dads is their time.
Give them hugs. Dads shouldn’t be afraid to show affection. Kids need physical contact, and not just from their moms. Snuggle with them, hug them, love them.
Play with them. Go outside and play sports. Do a treasure hunt. Have a pillow fight. Play Transformers or Pokemon with them. Don’t just watch TV. Show them how to have fun. See 100 Ways to Have Fun with Your Kids for Free or Cheap.
Do the “mom” stuff. Things that are traditionally considered “mom” duties are not just for moms anymore — changing diapers, feeding, bathing, rocking them to sleep in the middle of the night. Dads should help out as much as they can, sharing these types of duties equally if possible. And in fact, if you’re a dad of a baby, this is the perfect time to bond with your child. You should leap at the chance to do these things, because that’s how you start a life-long close relationship with your child.
Read to them. This is one of the most important things you can do for your child. First of all, it’s so much fun. Kids books are really cool, and it’s great when you can share something this wonderful with your child. Second, you are teaching them one of the most fundamentally important skills (reading) that will pay off dividends for life. And third, you are spending time with them, you’re sitting or lying close together, and you are enjoying each other’s company. See the Best All-Time Children’s Books.
Stand by mom. Don’t contradict their mother in front of them, don’t fight with her in front of them, and most definitely don’t ever abuse her. How you treat their mother affects their self-esteem, and the way they will treat themselves and women when they grow up. Be kind and respectful and loving of their mother. And always work as a team — never contradicting statements of the other.
Teach them self-esteem. Maybe this should be No. 1. Well, these aren’t in any order, but this is one of the most important points. There is nothing you can do that is better than giving them high self-esteem. How do you do this? A million ways, but mainly by showing them (not telling them) that you value them, by spending time with them, by talking and listening to them, by praising things they do, by teaching them (not telling them) how to be competent. Praise and encourage, don’t reprimand and discourage.
Teach them about finances. This is a point often missed in articles about dadhood. You might not need to teach your 1-year-old about index funds or portfolio diversity, but from an early age, you can teach them the value of money, how to save money to reach a goal, and later, how earn money and how to manage money properly. You don’t want your child to go into the world knowing as little as you did, do you?
Be good to yourself. You shouldn’t give up your entire life when you become a dad. You need to take care of yourself, give yourself some alone time, and some time with your buddies, in order to be a great dad when you’re with your kids. Also take care of your health — eat healthy, exercise — because 1) you can’t take care of your kids if you’re sickly, 2) you are teaching your kids how to be healthy for life, and 3) you want to enjoy those grandkids someday.
Be good to the mom. This isn’t the same as No. 8 — you should be good to their mom even when they’re not looking. Take her to dinner, give her a massage, do chores around the house for her, give her some time alone and babysit while she goes out, show affection to her, give her little surprises. Because when mom’s happy, the kids are happy. And dad will be happy too!

Also check out: GreatDad.com
What are your Great Dad tips? Let us know in the comments.

If you liked this article, please bookmark it in del.icio.us. Thanks!

Other family day articles:

How to be a Great Dad - 12 Awesome Tips

Every Tuesday is Finance & Family Day at Zen Habits.

They, and my wife, are my reason for being.

How can you be a great dad? As always, my list of tips:

Put their interests first, always. Do you enjoy drinking or smoking? Guess what — it’s not good for them, and you’re setting an example with everything you do. I quit smoking about 18 months ago not for my sake, but for my kids. Now, it is still important to take care of yourself (otherwise you can’t take care of them), but you should still have them in mind.
Protect them. As a dad, one of your main roles is protector. There are many ways you need to do this. Safety is one: child-proof your home, teach them good safety habits, set a good example by using your seatbelt, make sure they use a car seat if below a certain age & weight, etc. But financial protection is also important: have life insurance, car insurance, an emergency fund, a will.
Spend your spare time with them. When we get home from work, often we’re tired and just want to relax. But this is the only time we have with them during the weekdays, often, and you shouldn’t waste it. Take this time to find out about their day, lay on the couch with them. On weekends, devote as much time as possible to them. While work may be your passion, it won’t be long before they’re grown and no longer want to spend time with you. Take advantage of these years. The thing kids want most from their dads is their time.
Give them hugs. Dads shouldn’t be afraid to show affection. Kids need physical contact, and not just from their moms. Snuggle with them, hug them, love them.
Play with them. Go outside and play sports. Do a treasure hunt. Have a pillow fight. Play Transformers or Pokemon with them. Don’t just watch TV. Show them how to have fun. See 100 Ways to Have Fun with Your Kids for Free or Cheap.
Do the “mom” stuff. Things that are traditionally considered “mom” duties are not just for moms anymore — changing diapers, feeding, bathing, rocking them to sleep in the middle of the night. Dads should help out as much as they can, sharing these types of duties equally if possible. And in fact, if you’re a dad of a baby, this is the perfect time to bond with your child. You should leap at the chance to do these things, because that’s how you start a life-long close relationship with your child.
Read to them. This is one of the most important things you can do for your child. First of all, it’s so much fun. Kids books are really cool, and it’s great when you can share something this wonderful with your child. Second, you are teaching them one of the most fundamentally important skills (reading) that will pay off dividends for life. And third, you are spending time with them, you’re sitting or lying close together, and you are enjoying each other’s company. See the Best All-Time Children’s Books.
Stand by mom. Don’t contradict their mother in front of them, don’t fight with her in front of them, and most definitely don’t ever abuse her. How you treat their mother affects their self-esteem, and the way they will treat themselves and women when they grow up. Be kind and respectful and loving of their mother. And always work as a team — never contradicting statements of the other.
Teach them self-esteem. Maybe this should be No. 1. Well, these aren’t in any order, but this is one of the most important points. There is nothing you can do that is better than giving them high self-esteem. How do you do this? A million ways, but mainly by showing them (not telling them) that you value them, by spending time with them, by talking and listening to them, by praising things they do, by teaching them (not telling them) how to be competent. Praise and encourage, don’t reprimand and discourage.
Teach them about finances. This is a point often missed in articles about dadhood. You might not need to teach your 1-year-old about index funds or portfolio diversity, but from an early age, you can teach them the value of money, how to save money to reach a goal, and later, how earn money and how to manage money properly. You don’t want your child to go into the world knowing as little as you did, do you?
Be good to yourself. You shouldn’t give up your entire life when you become a dad. You need to take care of yourself, give yourself some alone time, and some time with your buddies, in order to be a great dad when you’re with your kids. Also take care of your health — eat healthy, exercise — because 1) you can’t take care of your kids if you’re sickly, 2) you are teaching your kids how to be healthy for life, and 3) you want to enjoy those grandkids someday.
Be good to the mom. This isn’t the same as No. 8 — you should be good to their mom even when they’re not looking. Take her to dinner, give her a massage, do chores around the house for her, give her some time alone and babysit while she goes out, show affection to her, give her little surprises. Because when mom’s happy, the kids are happy. And dad will be happy too!

Also check out: GreatDad.com
What are your Great Dad tips? Let us know in the comments.

If you liked this article, please bookmark it in del.icio.us. Thanks!

Other family day articles:

Posted on 6 May 2007 in Finance & Family, Parenting |
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Comments (79)

Zung! Says:

May 6th, 2007, 9:09 am

I really like this list.
“Protect them” should also mean teach your kids to prtect themselves. By that I don’t mean martial arts, but rather common sense: stay clear of ovens and open fires, keep away from cleaning fluids and other poison, be careful with knives, don’t talk to strangers, don’t go running on the road, etc.
I even go as far as yelling at my 4 year old, when it seems appropriate (in a contolled manner - not out of rage) - I think it’s better she cries now than we all cry later. I think it’s easier for her to link my anger with her actions, than a future (and for her imaginary and poorly understood) bad outcome.

sparta Says:

May 6th, 2007, 9:48 am

Take her to dinner, give her a massage, do chores around the house for her, give her some time alone and babysit while she goes out, show affection to her, give her little surprises.

Dads don’t babysit. They may supervise or parent. They can watch or be responsible for kids. But babysitting is what is done by a nonparent for other people’s kids. To call it babysitting makes this supervision time a service, rather than a natural activity of parenting.

This is a nice list, in all. Thx.

Connie Says:

May 6th, 2007, 11:40 am

I enjoy Zen Habits very much. So please tell me that today’s posting was something you copied out of an old ’50’s women’s magazine that you found in the attic. All of your ideas for spending time with, and teaching your children are excellent. But this article would have been better had you shown these all to be parenting skills, and drop all the dandy little hints about supporting Mom. Though you say that parents should share child care equally, everything else that you have written shows that what you really believe is that childcare is a woman’s responsibility and that you’ll help out a little when you feel like it. I grew up in the 50’s. Believe me, you don’t want to go back there.

klang Says:

May 6th, 2007, 13:40 pm

“I quit smoking about 18 months ago .. ”

You have raised 6 kids, why didn’t you quit smoking before now?

Leo Says:

May 6th, 2007, 15:06 pm

Thanks for the comments, guys.

@Connie: I don’t believe that childcare is a woman’s responsibility. I was trying to address the perception of many men that it is a woman’s responsibility. If that didn’t come across well, I apologize.

@klang: I agree, I should have quit smoking before … I don’t claim to be perfect, though. Actually, I tried quitting a number of times and failed. The last time was the only time that stuck.

Melissa Says:

May 6th, 2007, 18:07 pm

My hubby and I found your site just a few weeks ago and we both love it. I am a first time mother of 8 month old Max so this particular article comes at a perfect moment. I think what you have written is wonderful and I feel that what you have to say is really coming from your heart. Thanks for putting those thoughts out there especially about helping mom. While my husband is very good at helping me maybe some Dad’s aren’t as aware and might get a clue.
I also think your critics are seriously harsh! I mean its obvious you love your wife and children and are working hard at being the best you can be.
Congratulations on quitting smoking- I know first hand how hard it is as I quit about 15 years ago and STILL crave one every now and then- especially when I watch Film Noir…

Leo Says:

May 6th, 2007, 18:16 pm

Hi Melissa … thank you for your encouraging comments … and congrats on quitting smoking and staying quit. I too love film noir, and know what you mean … they are very unapologetic about smoking, and make it seem so necessary. Also, congrats on being a new mother! I’m sure you’ve found both the challenges and joys of parenting to be a bit overwhelming … there’s nothing in the world like it.

As for the critics, don’t be too harsh on them … they have a point, and I’m glad they brought it up. The language we use is important, and if the language I used (inadvertently) promotes an outdated stereotype, then it’s good to point that out. Don’t worry, I don’t take these things personally! :)

Tracy Says:

May 6th, 2007, 18:20 pm

Hi Leo, only just discovered your site and I’m already loving it. I really appreciated all the tips for Dads about helping Mom out.

To Leo’s critics: I’m a stay-at-home-mom and my hubby works full time, so naturally the majority of childcare falls to me. It was my choice to stay home after I had the kids. So, I really appreciate those evenings when my hubby gets home on time to take over so that I can escape to a yoga class, or the Sunday mornings when he takes charge so that I can go to my meditation group. Not all families share childcare 50/50.

watershed Says:

May 6th, 2007, 18:23 pm

This is a GREAT list and I love your blog, but I echo the concern about the sudden shift to the 1950s, and Isecond Leo– don’t be too hard on critiques. Framing the childcare fathers do as “babysitting” perpetuates the idea that women are the primary caretakers of children. This is done too often to be excusable in this day and age. This drives me nuts.

How about changing this list to “how to be a great PARENT”. Change all the “mom” and “dad” stuff to generic “parent” instead. Because really, mothers can play sports with kids– and mothers who have jobs in the daytime can give the stay-at-home dad a break sometimes.

Think about TV commercials for a second– how often is it drilled into everyone’s head that it is the mother who cares when her kid is sick, that it is the dad who can’t cook, the mother who cleans etc. It is not 1950 anymore, and these things just aren’t true. Good parents come in all genders, shapes and sizes. It’s time to let this silly gendered parenting stuff go already.

Leo Says:

May 6th, 2007, 18:33 pm

Hi guys … I think this is an interesting discussion, and I appreciate all the different viewpoints.

However, I just hope it doesn’t turn into a heated argument … I think we are all in agreement that both parents share equal responsibility in raising their children. How the parents decide to split up the responsibilities is really a personal issue, but we are agreed that there should not be any stereotypes that the mom is responsible for taking care of the kids and that the dad should just “help out”.

I was trying to address these stereotypes by telling dads that these things are just as much their responsibility (I think the things we’re talking about is not just from the 1950s but are still present today), but I admit that the language I chose to use weren’t as well-chosen as it could have been, and I’ve already apologized.

Let’s acknowledge our agreement and keep this discussion a positive one! Thanks everyone for your great insights.

Jeff Says:

May 6th, 2007, 20:29 pm

Say “I love you”. Everyday.

damon Says:

May 7th, 2007, 0:11 am

Great article Leo.
I was wondering if you spent special Daddy and me time individually with your kids? I’ve only got two, but my wife and I try to get some one on one time with the kids. They act totally different when they are apart, and ofcourse differently with the two of us.

thanks again.
d

Leo Says:

May 7th, 2007, 0:34 am

Hi damon … actually, yes, that’s an important point … darnit, I was going to put that as one of my tips but forgot. It is important to have some alone time with each child. Obviously, with six kids, that’s harder for me, but I still do my best to do that. Reading with them individually is one of my favorite ways, but I also like to go for a walk, and I use alone time in the car with them to my best advantage too. We tried a weekly “date” with each one of them, but when our two youngest babies came along, that got sidetracked. I’d still like to go back to that.

Thanks for the great question and comment, damon!

Mr. B. Says:

May 7th, 2007, 3:21 am

I have to comment to this as I found it a good article and with good intention.

Your article assumes that both parents are together.

Myself as a Single Dad and as acting Mr. Mom this brings me much more respect to the mothering side of responsibilities that parents have to take on.

For the most part your article assumes that both parents are together. However there are times that “standing by mom” is not always the thing to do. These situations are far and few and not norm. Sometimes the “Mother” in the parenthood is an abusive, irrational, out of reality person who’s values are not the norm. This is where I would have to draw the line and try to shelter my child from the other.

schmitt Says:

May 7th, 2007, 3:28 am

… did anybody realize the obviousness of this? go get it patented as “being a better dad list” and you’ll rake in the income when you see it written EVERY PLACE THEY CLAIM TO HAVE A LIST ABOUT BEING A BETTER DAD. sue sue sue. … I should patent this post as “the obvious post” because it points out the clear obviousness of whats been said a million times and should just be known. Looky there, we’ll both make money. Reclaim this post as “how to make money” - patent obvious things.

Hum Says:

May 7th, 2007, 3:49 am

Your list is fine and there is much love in it, but it definitely lacks a major topic.

To be a great dad you need to love your kids and show them in every possible aspect but you also need to educate them and that is your first role and responsability, as it is the mother’s.

The showing love part only is the “how” aspect of your educational role.
You have to establish the values to which they’ll have to stick and show them the limits of the things they can do, transcribe them into rules and inforce those rules. You have to learn to say no. (Then you may have to relearn how to say yes.)
You have to learn them how to evolve in our social world according to these values and do so while teaching them how to be autonomous.

You have to be present and caring but you have to leave them enough space so they can make their experiences and grow out.

You have to do all these things plus lots I don’t mention (it’s not an essay and you see my point) and also myriads of things that will be hard to you. You may even have at some point to stop protecting them in a way or another.

Then you’ll be a good dad.

William Says:

May 7th, 2007, 3:49 am

Good list. Some of it’s obvious, but maybe only to some of us. Should be handed out at the hospital.

Michael Says:

May 7th, 2007, 4:04 am

Good list. I only have one thing I would address in more depth and that has to do with helping children develop positive self-esteem.

I agree that a parent should try and avoid criticism and focus on praising and encouraging his/her child. However, there seems to be a lot of people who believe that letting their children fail at something is bad for the childs self-esteem.

Nothing could be further from the truth, and I think it is a parents responsibility to not only let their children fail at some things as part of learning, but then to teach them how to deal with that failure and come back at whatever it was again.

Learning to deal with failure in a healthy way and to overcome it is one of the most valuable talents an adult can have, and one of the best skills for maintaining high self esteem that any person can posess.

stay at home dad Says:

May 7th, 2007, 4:30 am

Thanks for the post. I am a stay at home dad and love waking up to every brand new day with my baby… we also have another one on the way. Mom works all day and I do my artwork/music in the evening. It is a struggle to balance our time, schedules, money etc… and I am constantly learning. This post is an inspiration and I feel you on all of this. Every family will have their own unique situations, and every comment will have their own view etc. I would like to add to this list with maybe the 13th..14th…15th… the list goes on. This might go under self esteem, though I believe that it is important to nurture passion and open mindedness in the child, empowering them to grow and learn about this world with an open mind! Much love to every parent!

Ryvenna Says:

May 7th, 2007, 4:30 am

Hi there. While most of your list is full of thoughtful, well-meant advice, I strongly disagree with part of number 8, “stand by mom”. Never contradicting mom and always agreeing will lead children to believe that a great couple never argues. And while in theory you would want them to be in a relationship where everything is always perfect, everyone argues. Parents of children should never yell at or abuse one another, but an open discussion between calm, rational adults will lay great foundations for their future relationships.

I’ve seen more than one couple that thought they were doing something wrong because they never saw their parents disagree with one another, and then couldn’t understand why everything wasn’t perfect in their own relationships later.

I hope this doesn’t sound condescending, and of course, you’re entitled to your own opinions and child-rearing habits, but this comes from a professional opinion.

Ivan Minic Says:

May 7th, 2007, 5:34 am

Nice article, glad to see something like this on digg frontpage

Abel Says:

May 7th, 2007, 5:43 am

I am a stay-at-home dad and doing my best to be a good father. To add to your list: show affection to mother in front of kids so that they know you love her, control your temper and don’t scream at them (I used to do this all the time), help them become who they truly are (not who you want them to be.)

Stephen Says:

May 7th, 2007, 6:45 am

Leo, great post!

@Mr B - You are so very right. It can be extremely difficult to be the role model of a mature relationship when “not-together” parents are working at cross-purposes (or worse, using the children as pawns in a game of control). The tips for that list would make their own post!

Mike Says:

May 7th, 2007, 6:52 am

Hi Leo, very nice article, quite a few things to do or not to do, and a few to remind oneself about every now and then. I also liked your 100 fun things to do with kids, gave me a few ideas.

I have also quit smoking when my first daughter was born, she’s nine now. The other one is five. It was for them, because of them…

Cheers from Australia
Mike

Edwin Says:

May 7th, 2007, 8:57 am

Trying to be a great dad myself, I think your list is great.

I would add another point: listen to your kids and take them serious. Your kids have opinions and desires. Always listen to them and take them into account. Ofcourse they’re not always realistic. Explain why. Never say: “just because I say so”. Kids can be more rational and understanding than you might think. Even when they’re only three years old.

Tantowi Says:

May 7th, 2007, 9:40 am

The Mistakes Parents Make:
-Negating a child’s feelings.
-Labeling
-Making comparisons.

Buz Says:

May 7th, 2007, 10:08 am

Just by thinking about how to be a great dad greatly increases your
odds of being one. This is something that has to be constantly re-evaluated as your kids age. Also, I trya nd build my kids’ self-esteem by challenging them. Sometimes they succeed and sometimes they fail - but they always keep trying and I try to let them know how to do both gracefully.

Samer Says:

May 7th, 2007, 10:18 am

Beautiful post Leo, just beautiful! :)) thanks

JT Says:

May 7th, 2007, 10:26 am

studies have shown that #9 can be taken too far. Rewarding/Praising kids for hard work instead of telling them they are the best or the smartest seems to make them harder working AND smarter AND more confident.

live tv Says:

May 7th, 2007, 10:34 am

Excellent tips, especially #5 which stimulates growth.

FZero Says:

May 7th, 2007, 10:53 am

I agree with every word. That’s why I won’t have children.

Jeremy Says:

May 7th, 2007, 11:08 am

I couldn’t put that into better words, well done. When I come across things like this showing how to be a “real” man (or Dad) not just going through life with a family that hardly knows you, it really needs to be shared. The world could benefit from having the mind set to take care of your family (including Mom) and yourself.

Free Nature Photography Wallpaper Says:

May 7th, 2007, 11:26 am

These are very thoughtful and I hope many fathers take to these!!

dave Says:

May 7th, 2007, 11:41 am

Protect Them.

Well, protect from the lost of liberty and civil rights by booting out any politician who voted for the Evil Patriot Act. That act is doing more to make this world a worse and less safe place for our children then any thing else.

Our children will fear their government in the future. They will be dog tagged and tracked like cattle. They will be sent to prison for crimes they did not commit and they won’t even get a trial. If you want to do something for the children, then leave them a world they would want to live in.

Protect them from the government for it is the most powerful and malevolent adversary they will ever have to face.

pbradv Says:

May 7th, 2007, 11:46 am

#13. Eat dinner with them.

Nice list.

Brian Says:

May 7th, 2007, 11:48 am

Great post. I was a widowed father of 2 at one time. I am now remarried and have 6 children. For about 5 years, we also raised our nephew. I would have to say, I agree with all of your points. To me its all about balance. Alone time vs Wife time vs family time vs Kid time. Even the discpline, when to back down and let them make their mistakes to holding your ground. I wish you and your family the best.

John Says:

May 7th, 2007, 11:54 am

The hardest lesson: Teaching kids to keep friendships at arms length is also a good habit.

The toughest part of being a parent (especially if you are an involved and giving person) is that other parents are too consumed in their personal interests to teach and take part in good friendship practices. You and your child might do great things for someone else’s child like taking them too the zoo etc, but when it’s the other parent’s turn to return the favor 9 time out of 10 they will leave your kid hanging. It’s good to teach your kid not to expect great things from people, but to accept them however they are, and if good things they should be appreciated.

Another lesson for parents: Other people’s kids can do no wrong in their eyes. These days parents refuse to correct their kids. They will even back them up when they do something wrong. This scenario can ruin good friendships for parents and children alike. When addressing issues concerning other people’s kids you must use caution if you wish to preserve the friendship. Expect things to get blown out of proportion.

aaron Says:

May 7th, 2007, 11:57 am

“Teach them self-esteem”

I have been reading a lot about self-esteem vs. self-discipline. There is a great article in the link below regarding the power and peril of praising kids. The upshot is that too much praise of the wrong sort may not be a good thing. Personally, I think teaching a kid self discipline and self control will do wonders for them as an adult.

Otherwise a really great post!

Allen Says:

May 7th, 2007, 12:34 pm

I’m a software developer, and one thing that is funny about the software development community is people are jerks and haters when commenting on other people’s articles. Everybody who has posted hater comments is missing the mark on Leo’s post. So what if you think this is common sense, or if he didn’t list EVERY single tip out there. Forget about semantics and wording. Instead of commenting on what he didn’t do right, why can’t you just read it and feel good that there are fathers out there who care enough about the topic to try to spread some good. Great post Leo, this world needs more people like you.

Richard Says:

May 7th, 2007, 13:13 pm

Very nice reminders and thoughts. My digital photo studio is 150 feet from our house, which gives me extra opportunities to be around my two teens. It’s still too easy to get bogged down in work and forget to take a break to be with them, though; something I should always include in my schedule. I found this blog inspiring…

Jason Tate Says:

May 7th, 2007, 13:22 pm

I’m a father of 4 and as far as I see it there are 3 simply rules to raising your children

1 love them unconditionally

2 listen to their needs

3 care for them from the cradle to the grave

Nix Says:

May 7th, 2007, 13:27 pm

great list man, I ended up spending a lot of time today on your site reading all the otehr articles…

Hasnain Says:

May 7th, 2007, 14:01 pm

I just discovered your blog. Thank you so much! It looks very rich with content thats right down my lifestyle. I will definitely be checking back w/ your site and saving your RSS to my gmail.
Thanks a bunch.

brad tittle Says:

May 7th, 2007, 14:43 pm

Protecting your children!

Letting your kids get hurt is a great way to protect them from getting hurt.

Sometimes you have to look the other way when they are about to fall down the stairs and let them fall. 1 fall is worth at least 10,000 verbal warnings. The trick of course is to let them fall down something that will hurt without inflicting too much damage. Letting them touch something that is hot (but not too hot) and getting a little hurt will make “Careful That’s hot” ever so much more effective later.

Stephane Says:

May 7th, 2007, 16:31 pm

Seems to me you left a point out. Try to do stuff around the house with your kids, so they understand the value of doing something by themselves for themselves.

When we had to switch winter tires to summer tires on our car, I took our 3 y.o. daughter with me so she could help out (not like she could pick up a wheel, so you will have to loosen the ‘mere’ notion of helping out a bit). Whenever I fix something around the house (computer, DVD player, door, squeaking windows, bed…) I do it with her so that she understands and see me do something with my hands… This is teaching her to be resourceful and not to show defeat easily - both of which, I hope, will also pay huge dividends in life.

My dad did the same, and though I have a typical white collar job, I am nevertheless happy to be that unexpected handy man around the house.

I fully agree with your poster. Protection should be understood as ’safe’, as getting our kids to assess and react to danger accordingly, no to make them weak in the face of danger.

tree.hugger.chick Says:

May 7th, 2007, 16:32 pm

Where can I find a guy who does all this?

Leo Says:

May 7th, 2007, 18:37 pm

Wow! Overwhelming responses. I’m touched by all the positive feedback and suggestions here. I can’t answer them all individually (I have a day job!), but I just want to say thank you to everyone.

Regarding the comments on self-esteem, I think my tip was misunderstood or wasn’t very clear. Let me just choose one representative comment and respond to it:

“studies have shown that #9 can be taken too far. Rewarding/Praising kids for hard work instead of telling them they are the best or the smartest seems to make them harder working AND smarter AND more confident.”

I agree. I don’t think that you should keep telling your kids that they are the best or the smartest, and I didn’t suggest that. I suggest encouraging them and praising them for hard work and for a job well done. I don’t think you should over praise a kid, but there’s nothing wrong with encouragement.

Self-esteem is built through showing a child that you value him/her, spending time with them, encouraging them when they do things well, teaching them to be confident. Not through over praising or spoiling.

Hohohohaha Says:

May 7th, 2007, 19:57 pm

Wow this is the complete opposite of Maddox’s Article

http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=beat

Rebecca Says:

May 8th, 2007, 0:08 am

I really enjoyed your list. My boyfriend and I are still in college and a few years away from marriage, but are already planning our life together. I love that you wrote this and that he read it thinking of what kind of father he will be.

From the list alone, I enjoyed number 10 the best. My parents never bothered to teach me anything about finances–a few futile tips about cars, but never money. Instead, I learned to be thrifty because of the shouts of financial insecurity and hearing cries of our family being in debt. I wish that instead of an intense fear of financial aid, stocks, affording college, and 401ks (whatever they are), my parents had taught me the ins and outs–offering help instead of pushing me out of the nest entirely.

Please, those of you who are parents make sure to teach you children how to take care of themselves. I feel like I’m stabbing in the dark as far as paying for college goes.

david Says:

May 8th, 2007, 0:15 am

Dude, i subscribed to your site a few weeks ago for the GTD articles, info, and links, and just now found this article. What a gem. I think it should all go without saying, but all too often we can let our values get confused and lose track of what is most important for those we love. Thanks for all these new links, and keep up the excellent work here at this site.

Carl Says:

May 8th, 2007, 9:14 am

Oh, and never ever beat your kids [pubmedcentral.nih.gov]. Why this is still allowed in some, otherwise modern, countries is beyond me…

Happy Rock Says:

May 8th, 2007, 11:56 am

A very nice tight succinct list that I will probably keep around for a while! Thanks

I do think the underlying principle of is a winner. I think the whole list evolves from truly showing others with action that we value them as a person. We should be constantly reevaluating what are actions say to others. What would my child say that I value more than him/her? How are my actions saying that, and how can I change?

-The Happy Rock

Franco Says:

May 8th, 2007, 12:11 pm

Teaching self esteem is a MISTAKE

Teaching children self esteem is an outdated and dangerous concept.

Kids are very smart and can tell more often than not that the praise you are giving them is different from the praise they are getting in the real world. This disparity can even undermine their trust in you.

Rather than self esteem, recent psychological thinking emphasizes TWO important elements:

1: Self Compassion.
If you teach your child to talk to themselves the way they would talk to their best friend. It can help them develop emotional resilience.

When bad things happen to them, they’ll know to take it easy on the self judging punishment talk (I’m so stupid) and concentrate on problem solving, the way you would advise your best friend if they came to you with a problem.

And NO, this won’t turn them into libertines. It will just make them flexible and help them stay motivated & happy.

2. Praise them for their effort, not for states of being.
Telling kids they are smart has been shown to have devastating results on their motivation and social development as adults. Some shrinks believe it’s the fastest way to destroy a child’s potential.

Instead, praise them for the work they put in. This way, they’ll learn that work is the reasons they do things. NOTE: Make sure the EFFORT is what gets praised and not the particular task.

Good luck out there.

Stu Mark Says:

May 8th, 2007, 12:53 pm

Congratulations, this post was nominated for GNMParents Hot Stuff Of The Week!

Good luck in the voting,

Stu Mark
GNMParents

Duane Says:

May 8th, 2007, 16:27 pm

My tip? Make something for your kids, with your kids. Something that lasts that they can look at and say “My dad made this for me, and I helped.” I painted my children’s bedrooms, and they helped. For each of my children’s first birthdays I made them a gift (ok, they couldn’t really help with that but I can tell them they were still the inspiration :)) instead of buying them one (yes, we did buy them stuff too). What I’m trying to say is that sometimes a show of effort is a nice thing. You can almost always throw money at a problem, whether it’s having a bedroom painted, buying a book, or hiring a tutor to help with homework or a nanny to take them to the playground. Certainly not every time, but every now and then, when it’s possible, do it yourself instead. Show your kids that they’re important enough to you that you’re willing to take the harder option.

Leo Says:

May 8th, 2007, 18:42 pm

Thanks for the comments, guys!

@Franco: If you look closely at the article, it doesn’t say to praise them for being smart. Here’s what the article said:

“A million ways, but mainly by showing them (not telling them) that you value them, by spending time with them, by talking and listening to them, by praising things they do, by teaching them (not telling them) how to be competent.”

Showing them (not telling them) that you value them is very different from what you’re assuming the article said.

Nizar Says:

May 9th, 2007, 10:57 am

FOr tips #6, do the ‘mom’ stuff…

I can learn how to nag, but can you teach me how you do the breastfeeding? :P

Lodewijkvdb Says:

May 11th, 2007, 16:38 pm

My son was born six weeks early and had to stay in the incubator for the first 2.5 weeks. You feel utterly powerless outside the “glass box”, and I enjoyed every moment that I could care for him, mainly by changing diapers (through the holes in the side, and avoiding all the wires and tubes…). The moment he was ready to go into a regular crib in the hospital was delightful, and the cuddling and hugging came very natural to us. Especially with babies that have stayed in incubators this part is very important, because bonding is very hard when you’re in an incubator.

We just had a week vacation with the three of us (my boy is 7 months old now), and this was a wonderful time. No distractions, just the three of us…having fun.

Motorcycle Guy Says:

May 12th, 2007, 19:03 pm

I would’ve put no. 3 as no. 1 personally.

Jason A Clark Says:

May 25th, 2007, 1:48 am

As a soon to be new dad (any day now) I gotta say this is some great advice. I think if every dad followed this advice the world would be a totally different place.

brian Says:

May 27th, 2007, 4:54 am

Nice guide. I want to use this to better myself with my daughter! Thanks!

rana Says:

June 4th, 2007, 4:00 am

thank you ,buthowto say these things to the dads.

mjaybee Says:

June 15th, 2007, 8:38 am

I’m a single dad - loved your article.

Happy Father’s Day for you on Sunday!

JD Says:

June 17th, 2007, 15:02 pm

Great post, Leo.
My own humble addition is this: Ascribing the best motives possible to your child’s actions, given the reality of the situation, gives them respect and validation. Since becoming a parent, I’ve been dismayed by how many fathers routinely assume their children are playing manipulative games with them, and respond by dismissing and invalidating their child’s feelings and concerns. Remember that what might seem silly to you can be emotionally overwhelming to them, and treating their upset as something ridiculous only exacerbates their stress.
Oh, and one other thing - I’m always baffled by the oft muttered phrase “Just ignore him/her, they’re just trying to get attention.” It seems evident to me that if a child is acting up just to get attention - even negative attention - they’re probably not getting enough of the positive, validating attention that they need. For Pete’s sake, don’t respond by ignoring them!

Mr. Lee Says:

June 24th, 2007, 15:39 pm

There’s nothing in there about teaching your kids right from wrong or controlling your temper so your kids don’t grow up to solve problems the way you did when you got mad: by cussing up a storm, throwing things, and hitting people, even the kids.

Zaid Bethanie Says:

September 19th, 2007, 22:03 pm

oh i can’t believe what i’m seeing with my eye. Zaid Bethanie.

steve Says:

October 15th, 2007, 13:15 pm

Great tips.I loved this.

Liesbeth Kiki Says:

October 21st, 2007, 20:49 pm

but your much on my mind, you often get declin. Liesbeth Kiki.

Erboristeria Says:

November 30th, 2007, 14:41 pm

Compliment’s for your baby and god “job” :)

Keith Says:

December 11th, 2007, 11:53 am

My wife stays home with our three daughters, the youngest of whom was just born this past Halloween. The others are two and four. We are fiercely protective of our girls. I’ve found that they are great teachers. Despite our efforts to curb our reactionary behavior around them, there have been times when we’ve allowed stress to overwhelm us. Thankfully, those times have been few and far between. Our oldest is also capable of telling us to “Stop fighting!” She can diffuse a situation immediately. It’s too easy to get caught up and forget that they too are little human beings with meaningful thoughts and things to tell you. It is so important to slow down and let them educate you. Stop standing around. Sit down on the floor and have a conversation face to face. It can have a truly amazing, stress reducing effect. They’ll respect you for it, and they will be shown that respect in return. I appreciated this article especially, as I’ve noticed too few articles and magazines coming from a dad’s perspective. Thanks!

Manny Says:

January 3rd, 2008, 21:35 pm

Hey Leo, great tips. I’m a single dad of two girls (ages 10,12). I’ve learned a lot about parenting since they started living with me full time and I really appreciate how important it is to not only be a good dad, but a good parent in general. Breaking the stereotype of the “dad” role and demonstrating that a father can be the disciplinarian as well as sensitive is the best thing I could have ever done. You’ve found another loyal reader.

Rodney Says:

February 11th, 2008, 2:07 am

I am a dad but not a very good one. I’m worried if i try to be with my son my family will disown me. I have no parents so i am sacred to loose the little family i have. Any suggestions on what i can do?

Chris Austria Says:

February 22nd, 2008, 18:21 pm

Since you already know that you are not a good dad then you can work on being a good dad. At least you recognize your own faults which is always the first step. You need to be with your son but make sure that you set good examples. Zenhabits’ list of twelve is a good start.

Ron Says:

March 21st, 2008, 5:40 am

Dude Leo i’m only 14yrs old but dude this stuff you are talking about seems like it would do me some good later on in life or if i get my girl friend pregnant.Because of these tips i will be a better father than my own father was for me.

Chad Says:

March 21st, 2008, 21:37 pm

This is a great list. Most of these seem to be common sense to me, but as a young, about-to-be first-time father, I’m looking for all of the advice that I can get. I will definitely always be good to my wife no matter what, quit smoking almost a year ago, and I don’t really drink, so a lot of things seem to have just fallen into place. I’m a little worried and afraid that I won’t be the best father, and am worried about my financial standing and my future ability to provide, but am doing all in my power to better our situation for the sake of our child. Despite my fears and insecurities, I’m very excited to be a father.
Thanks for the list!

trademark registration Says:

April 10th, 2008, 2:59 am

Nice list. Sometimes we forget how to be good.

Jeremy Johnson Says:

April 29th, 2008, 20:55 pm

My wife and I have a daughter who is almost a year old now, and I am always looking for things that will help me be a better dad. This list is giving me some good insight. Thanks for posting it.

alfred Says:

June 26th, 2008, 5:31 am

great great list!! thanks! I even printed it for my file… I’m a father of two girls going three (hope it’s a boy already)

Scott Hammond Says:

July 3rd, 2008, 13:16 pm

Dude,
I am really impressed.
Nice content and presentation.
You really hit an under-served and addressed demographic…
dads are in trouble on a number of levels.
Even some small steps are great to start with.
Kids are the future….
what legacy are you leaving?
What will they say after you are gone?
Best,
Scott Hammond