Photo courtesy of Dawn Ashley. The Incredible Power of Contentment
“If you have a garden and a library, you have everything you need.” - Cicero
While many readers have noted my efforts and articles on self-improvement, what I haven’t stressed as much is the beauty of becoming content with what you have and who you already are.
I’m definitely a goal-oriented person — I always have my eye on a goal, whether that’s writing a book, running a marathon, improving my blog, waking early, losing weight, or one of a dozen other goals I’ve had (and usually achieved) in the last couple of years. And once I’ve achieved a goal, I begin looking for another: now that I finished my second marathon, I’m already looking for a third.
So isn’t that a contradiction? Doesn’t that seem to indicate that I’m not content with my life? Not at all. I’m extremely content with my life, with what I have, and with who I am. I have accepted that I am the type of person who will always be striving for a goal, the type of person who enjoys a challenge, and who enjoys the journey. It’s not the goal that matters to me — it’s the journey to get there that is so fun. And I’m content with being that type of person.
So contentment isn’t a matter with being content with your situation in life and never trying to improve it. It’s a matter of being content with what you have — but realizing that as humans, we will always try to improve, no matter how happy we are. If we don’t, we have given up on life.
Today I’d like to discuss contentment, and the amazing things it can do in all aspects of our lives. And then we’ll look at a few tips for getting to contentment.
“Happiness is self-contentedness.” - Aristotle
My Life
I’m going to use my life as an example here, only because I’m more intimately familiar with it than any other life. Looking back, I wasn’t always content. There have been times in my life when I wasn’t happy, when things seemed dismal, when I wish I had more. I wasn’t content with the way things were, and now I know that my outlook on life was a major contributor to my unhappiness.
We choose whether we are happy or unhappy. Read that sentence again if it’s not already something you consciously practice in your daily life. If you’re unhappy with your life right now, I will venture to guess that it’s because you’ve chosen to be unhappy. That sounds harsh, but in my experience it’s completely true. Edit based on reader comments: I cannot speak to whether this concept of happiness applies to everyone — especially clinically depressed or those with similar disorders, people who are starving or homeless, people who have undergone massive tragedies or abuse, or others in such circumstances. However, for most readers, I believe the principles will apply.
You might say, “But my life is crap! Of course I’m going to be unhappy!” And I hear you: I’ve had those times when my job wasn’t going well, when my relationships weren’t going well, when my finances were very bad, when I was overweight, when my life was a mess.
But listen to this: I’ve had those conditions at several points in my life. And sometimes, I was unhappy in those kinds of conditions. And others, I was happy and content. So I’ve come to the conclusion — and it’s proven true time and again — that it’s not the conditions that make me unhappy, but my choice of thoughts, of attitude, of behavior.
What behaviors and thoughts and attitudes were different between my times of unhappiness and happiness? When I was unhappy, I focused on all the bad things in my life. Not only that, but I continually thought about how bad they were, and would complain, and would ask, “Why me?” I would let myself sink into inaction and eventually depression. I would be grumpy and cause those around me to be unhappy. That, in turn, only made the situation worse. It certainly didn’t help my job.
Let’s look at the times of happiness, in contrast: I focused instead on the good things in my life. Because while I had problems at my job and with my relationships and with my finances and health and all that … there were still good things. At least I had a job! At least I had someone who loved me! At least I wasn’t sick! At least I wasn’t bankrupt and homeless! I counted, instead, my blessings. I do this when things aren’t looking so good, and it turns me around.
I had a wife and beautiful children. I had the power to change my job. To simplify my life. To get out of debt. I had my health, even if I was overweight. I lived on a beautiful island with gorgeous beaches and wildlife and greenery. I had family around me who loved me. I had the power of my words, and my books that I loved reading. I had life!
And this outlook on life helped me to be happier. It improved my relationship, because I tried to appreciate my wife. It improved everything around me, in short — and we’ll take a closer look at those things next.
I was happy, despite my conditions, because I chose to be happy. I found contentment in what I already had, instead of wishing I had something else, instead of being discontented with what I had. Contentment not only made me happy, but it transformed my life in many ways. Here’s how.
Happiness
This is perhaps the most obvious area affected on this list, because many people see “contentedness” and “happiness” as one and the same. In many ways, they are, but it’s really a matter of focus. When you’re happy, it’s really a state of being, influenced by a number of factors, including contentedness.
Contentedness, on the other hand, is a matter of being satisfied with what you have. It focuses on what you have and don’t have instead of just being a state of being. It influences happiness. However, you can choose to be content, just as you can choose to be happy, and if you choose to be content, you will be happy.
There are many ways to become happy — you can become happy by doing certain things (running, getting into Flow, sex), you can become happy because you are loved or in love, you can become happy because you just won a competition or a million dollars. Being content is just one way to be happy, but it’s a great way.
Simplicity
Simplicity, of course, means many things to many people, but for me contentedness is at the core of simplicity. It’s about being content with less, with a simpler life, rather than always wanting more, always acquiring more, and never being content.
Simplicity means examining why you want more, and solving that issue at its root. At the root of wanting more is not being content with what you have. Once you’ve learned to be content, you don’t need more. You can stop acquiring, and start enjoying.
Now, I won’t claim to never want stuff. I wanted a Macbook Air and I got it. It’s helping me to write this post and this book right now. (However, in my defense, I waited more than a month before buying it to make sure I needed it.) But while I am not immune to wants, I have learned to catch myself now and then, and to examine why I want something. And then I try to tell myself that I already have everything I could possibly want and need. And that contentedness leads to simplicity.
Finances
Really this is the same as simplicity, but I wanted to show it from a financial angle. The reason we get into financial trouble, oftentimes, is that we buy more than we can afford. And the root of that buying is buying things we want instead of only things we need, and the root of that is not being content with what we already have.
Finding contentment with the stuff you have and with a simpler life can lead to buying less, to buying things we need instead of want, and to only spending what we can afford. I know this first-hand, as uncontrolled spending led to debt for me, and contentedness led to me getting out of debt.
Relationships
Many times it seems that we’re never satisfied with our significant others. They don’t behave how we want them to. That’s often at the root of relationship problems, as many-headed as those problems may seem.
Instead, learn to be content with the person you love, just as they are. This isn’t always easy, as we are usually trained (by our well-intentioned but never-satisfied parents, and others around us) to do just the opposite — to try to change people. However, you will only find trouble if you try to change your significant other. You might get them to change their behavior (but most often not), but they will be unhappy, and in turn the relationship will suffer.
I will admit to having a problem with this at times, but when this happens, I try to remind myself to love my partner as she is, for who she is. She is a beautiful person, just as she is now, and there is absolutely no need to change her. This has always led to a better relationship for me.
Kids
As mentioned above, parents are often not satisfied with their children. They need to be cleaner, better behaved, better in school, more organized and studious, more courteous and kind and compassionate, better groomed and better at sports. Well, that leads to the relationship problems mentioned above, later in the kids’ lives, as they have learned to never be satisfied with others and to try to change them.
It also leads to inferiority complexes in our children, in unhappiness, and in bad relationships with them. Instead, we should learn to love our children unconditionally, to accept them for the people they are, and to let them know this through not only our words but our actions.
Accept children for who they are, and they will be happier, and so will you.
Jobs
Should we be content with our jobs? Well, I won’t say that you should stick with a dead-end job and a boss that treats you like dirt. If you’re unhappy with your job, change it. That’s been my approach and it’s worked for me.
However, I have learned that being a content person in other areas of my life, and being content with my life in general, has generally helped me at any job. Discontented people tend to be complainers, or grumpy, or negative. That leads to problems at the job. People who are content tend not to complain and tend to have a more positive attitude, and in my experience that almost always leads to more opportunities, both within the job (promotions, new projects, etc.) and outside the job (job offers, networking, etc.).
Social change
I’ve heard some writers say that people like me, who preach happiness and contentedness and a positive outlook on life, are teaching people to accept social injustice and not strive for change. I disagree completely, and as someone who would like a freer society than the one in which we currently live, I have given this much thought.
My favorite social disrupter, Gandhi, had two seemingly contradictory quotes on the subject of contentedness. The first: “Man’s happiness really lies in contentment.” And the second: “Healthy discontent is the prelude to progress.”
This might seem confusing until you look at how Gandhi brought about change. He was discontent with the system of oppression in his country, so he sought to change it. However, he was content as a person, with who he was and what he had in his personal life. This inner content allowed him to have the inner power to face (and eventually beat) the very powerful authorities in his country at the time. He could face them because nothing they could do to him could take away his happiness. They could take away all his possessions, throw him in prison, take away even food, and he was content.
He taught his fellow countrymen the same lesson, to make the best of what they had in India (making their own simple clothing, making their own food) instead of wanting the commercial goods from foreign countries. Being content with such simplicity would give them the independence from foreign commercial powers, and eventually (as they are part of the same organism) foreign political powers.
So social change can still happen if you are content with yourself, with your life, but not content with the system of oppression around you. This system, in my opinion, is responsible for holding us down, for the deaths of millions of people in Third World countries … but it isn’t until we learn to be content with what we have, and free ourselves of our dependence on commercial goods, that we will be able to change the system for good.
Getting to Contentment
So if contentedness is so great, how do you get there? That’s not always easy, but here are some things that have worked for me:
- Count your blessings. I mentioned this above, and in a previous post, but for me it’s the best way to get to contentment. When you find yourself unhappy with something, or with what you don’t have, take a moment to count all the good things in your life. And I would bet there are many. It puts the focus on what you do have rather than what you don’t.
- Stop, and remind yourself. When you find yourself unhappy with someone, or trying to change them, stop yourself. Take a deep breath, and remind yourself that you should try to be happy with that person for who he/she is. Take a moment to think about the good things about that person, the reasons you love that person. Then accept their faults as part of their entire package.
- Stop, and consider why you want something. When you feel the urge to buy something, think about whether it’s a need or a want. If it’s a want, take a pause. It’s good to wait 30 days — keep a 30-day list … when you want something, put it on the list with the date, and if you still want it in 30 days, you can buy it). Consider why you want something. Are you not content with what you already have? Why not?
- Take time to appreciate your life! I like to reflect on my life, and all the good things in it, on a regular basis. I do this when I run, or when I watch the sunset or sunrise, or when I’m out in nature. Another great method is a morning gratitude session — think of all the things and people you’re thankful for, and thank them silently.
- Show people you appreciate them. It’s good to appreciate people, but it’s even better to show them. Give them a hug, smile, spend time with them, thank them out loud, thank them publicly.
- Breathe, and smile. Once again, advice from one of my favorite monks, but it works in this context. Sometimes when we take the time to breathe, and smile, it can change our outlook on life.
- Learn to enjoy the simple things. Instead of wanting to buy expensive things, and spend money on doing things like eating out or entertainment, learn to enjoy stuff that’s free. Conversations and walks with other people. Spending time outdoors. Watching a DVD or playing board games. Going to the beach. Playing sports. Running. These things don’t cost much, and they are awesome.
“God’s gifts put man’s best dreams to shame.” - Elizabeth Barrett Browning
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- Posted on 2 April 2008 in Happiness, Simplicity |
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Comments (174)
Tad Says:
April 2nd, 2008, 21:44 pm
Great article. I never looked at contentment in this way before. Very good insight. I’ve always thought of being content as being stagnant and not wanting to go anywhere, but you have changed the way I see it. Great article.
Michael Moniz Says:
April 2nd, 2008, 21:52 pm
This is great! It is such a good topic about helping people to be happy with their lives. It is all about living your life the way YOU want.
Great information!
Sara Says:
April 2nd, 2008, 21:52 pm
Excellent, excellent article! I wish my ex would read this. He was always so wrapped up in how bad his life was that he couldn’t turn around and enjoy the good parts.
Part of why he’s my ex. Heh.
I’ve been learning this lesson a lot lately. :D
Stephen Altrogge Says:
April 2nd, 2008, 22:07 pm
Leo,
I appreciate your push for contentment. Very foreign in our western culture.
I’m curious about your thoughts on something though. This article seems to be very applicable to those in the west, who have jobs, and good health, clean water. How does someone that is enduring the trials of the HIV epidemic, or famine, or the loss of their entire family find contentment?
As a Christian, I have to believe that only a real relationship with God can give someone true contentment even when life stinks. I believe that we were created to live for God. Only when we’re doing that will we ever find true contentment.
Thoughts?
pavs Says:
April 2nd, 2008, 22:11 pm
Not Being Content, drives me to try harder.
Great read. thanks!!!!
Clay Collins | The Growing Life Says:
April 2nd, 2008, 22:19 pm
Look at you . . . being all rebel like and ditching the lists :-)
Laurie Says:
April 2nd, 2008, 22:29 pm
I have really benn trying to notice the “wild strawberries” in life, something that Corey from http://www.simplemarriage.net taught me. That has made a world of difference for me. Looking for those small things to appreciate and bring you joy makes living more vibrant and intoxicating!
piyo-chan Says:
April 2nd, 2008, 22:35 pm
AWESOME article! =D
You’re a very inspiring person, Leo! It’d be nice to have a chance to talk to you personally - but I guess for now, know that I’m thankful to have your blog to flick to whenever I need fresh n humble life candies!
Karl Staib - Your Work Happiness Matters Says:
April 2nd, 2008, 22:37 pm
“We choose happiness.” More people need to read that section. When we focus on the good parts of our life, we feel happy. When we focus on the negative, we feel sad. It’s a simple way to start making life more enjoyable.
Trying to be content is difficult, but when we give to others we find that contentment infiltrates our lives. I’m learning to be less selfish and give more of my time and energy to others. It has infused me with love.
Another awesome post!
Jodie Says:
April 2nd, 2008, 23:03 pm
I have enjoyed reading your blog up until this post. I am so absolutely offended to hear that happiness is a choice. It is only a choice when your basic needs are being met. I am a therapist; I work with people every day who have very little choices about anything in life, yet under your theory, they choose to be unhappy. If they made enough money to pay their rent AND buy groceries, or if they didn’t have to worry about being the victim of a serious crime every time they step outside their door, or where their children are at night, maybe it would be a choice.
In my experience the only people who are able to make a choice about being happy or not are the ones who have adequate shelter, food, and people who love them. Is their any room for choices within that? Of course. But to dismiss happiness as a choice is so absolutely offensive it’s unbelievable. I mean, seriously, it’s posts like this that “what white people like” blog sound like it’s the truth, not satire.
Mark - Creative Journey Cafe Says:
April 2nd, 2008, 23:04 pm
Wonderful reminders. Thank you!
Even when life seems chaotic, we can still be happy.
One key is to question the beliefs that cause tension and anxiety…
The only answer to “what is the meaning of life?” that makes sense to me is that it’s the meaning we give it.
Jeff - ScienceSays.net Says:
April 2nd, 2008, 23:24 pm
This reminds me of one of my favorite quotes of all time:
“One thing is needfull: that a human being should attain satisfaction with himself; only then is the human being tolerable to behold. Whoever is dissatisfied with himself is continually prepared to avenge himself for this, and we others will be his victims.”
That helped me a lot growing out of my teenage years, and reminds me to look inwards when I feel anger outwards - oftentimes, I’m upset with myself.
Nice post.
Leo Says:
April 2nd, 2008, 23:32 pm
@Stephen Altrogge and Jodie: You both bring up some very intriguing questions. Do the things I’m writing about apply to people in Third World countries, who are suffering famine or the loss of their families? Does it apply to the homeless or victims of abuse?
I don’t feel qualified to answer that definitively. These people might be exceptions to what I’m writing about, for all I know. I will admit to ignorance.
However, I believe that for a vast majority of my readers, this will apply. Happiness for them is a choice.
I should also point out, in my defense, that many, many people who could not pay their bills (I was once one of them), who have been victims of some type of abuse, and who have suffered through horrible tragedies, have found ways to be happy. I myself have been the victim of abuse, though not as bad as others, and I was able to choose happiness.
I do not know if everyone has a choice. In my life, I’ve always had a choice. I will admit to having much better circumstances than others, though.
And Jodie, I apologize if I’ve offended you — it wasn’t intentional. I would suggest you look at it instead as an interesting discussion point — I’ve made a point, you’ve brought up a counterpoint, I’ve just now made yet another counterpoint, and others can contribute too. I find this kind of perspective useful — instead of being offended, which doesn’t always serve much use, try to see it as a useful discussion that can lead to more insight on both of our parts. :)
I appreciate your contribution!
Leo Says:
April 2nd, 2008, 23:34 pm
@Clay Collins: Ah, but this post is secretly a list! I just didn’t number it. Each section is part of a list, and in the last section, I actually have a bulleted list. I’m sneaky like that! You won’t suppress my list-making!
Vered Says:
April 2nd, 2008, 23:37 pm
Jodie, I think that the underlying assumption here is that this philosophy applies once basic human needs are met.
The whole thing was summed up pretty nicely in Sheryl Crow’s Soak Up The Sun.
“It’s not having what you want, it’s wanting what you’ve got.”
Anita Says:
April 2nd, 2008, 23:41 pm
To Jodie and Stephen,
Another thought to add to this discussion is the consideration that there are really two kinds of suffering — one kind is a very real physical and/or psychological pain which, as Jodie suggests, is not a choice — and the other, which is created by mind alone, which is what I think Leo is talking about in his article. It’s the mind suffering that we have some serious control over. My two cents…
K Stone Says:
April 2nd, 2008, 23:55 pm
@Anita - that seems to be a great distinction for this conversation.
@Leo - thanks as usual for being willing to put yourself out there to teach what you’ve learned. I think it is very useful.
sikantis Says:
April 3rd, 2008, 0:07 am
Great article! From my side I’d like to say that appreciation or esteem as I call it, is one of the most important goals to get contentment. I mean esteem and self-esteem.
FekketCantenel Says:
April 3rd, 2008, 0:16 am
Needs to be prepended or appended: “Disclaimer: This article does not apply to and is borderline insulting to those with clinical depression or similar disorders.”
I’ve spent large portions of my life trying desperately to pretend that I’m not depressed, that all I need is an attitude change, and that there aren’t chemical and psychological problems keeping me from happiness. But over time, I’ve learned that denial is counterproductive.
I’m going to try antidepressants soon to cope with my depression, and if I can ever get into a ‘normal’ state of mind, then yes, your list will prove handy. But in the meantime, don’t assume your list of generalizations will help 100% of people. Not all of us can ‘pick ourselves up by our bootstraps’.
Sorry to be so harsh. I’m just sick of hearing these ‘just think positively’ truisms from people like you and my parents. It’s like telling a paraplegic to try getting up and walking around so his legs get stronger.
Note: I’ll forgive you if you do an article on clinical depression as it relates to productivity and happiness. I could write it as a guest post, but I’d only be able to talk about what it’s like. I haven’t found the fix(es?) yet.
a Says:
April 3rd, 2008, 0:17 am
leo, i’ve been reading you since the beginning, and have taken part in a couple of the monthly challenges on your forums. i really enjoy your thoughts and it kind of reaffirms what i have been coming up with on my own. your whole philosophy and this article in particular resonates very much with matthieu ricard. have you read his book Happiness - A Guide to Developing Life’s Most Important Skill
I think you would really like it!
Leo Says:
April 3rd, 2008, 0:17 am
@Jodie: I was thinking a little more about your points when I was driving just now, and I think I see something I should clarify.
I’m really ignorant here, but I’m assuming that as a therapist, one of your objectives is to help people work beyond their issues that are causing them to be unhappy, to be able to cope, and to eventually find happiness. If that assumption is basically true, then the people you are helping have *already* made a choice to be happy … it just takes them awhile to get there. Going to see you, to find happiness, is their choice for happiness.
So the point I wanted to clarify is that just because we choose to be happy, doesn’t mean it happens overnight. It could take much longer for some to actually get to happiness, only because they have so many obstacles.
A rough parallel would be the choice to be healthy — for most people (obviously not for all people), health is a choice. However, making the choice to become healthy doesn’t mean it happens right away. You have to make choices throughout your day, about what to eat and whether to be active, that will eventually lead to a more healthy life.
Another rough parallel would be this statement (which I think, as a vegan, you’ll appreciate): Animal cruelty is a choice. Now, just because we choose not to be cruel to animals doesn’t mean it’ll happen overnight. Do we get rid of all our leather items? And if so, can we immediately replace all of them with non-leather equivalents? (For many people, this is a gradual process.) Do we become vegan overnight (again, it’s often a more gradual process for more people)? And even if we do, does animal cruelty end? When we say that animal cruelty is a choice, what we really mean is that we make an initial decision to withdraw our participation from the animal cruelty industries … and that we must make that same choice over and over, every day of our lives.
The same goes with happiness (again, assuming that you’re not starving and you have a home) … you make that initial choice — and for some, that might mean seeking therapy — and you continue to make that choice, every day, and you’ll eventually reach happiness (I hope).
Anyway, it doesn’t negate your points, but I hope it helps to clarify what I meant. :)
Leo Says:
April 3rd, 2008, 0:20 am
@Fekket: You’re right, I certainly can’t speak about clinical depression or similar disorders. I thank you for this valuable input!
FekketCantenel Says:
April 3rd, 2008, 0:23 am
P.S. Now that I’ve read through the comments, I see that you’ve already (sort of) acknowledged the “100% of everybody won’t be helped by this post” point.
Jodie captured my own anger in words, but focused on the practical obstacles to happiness, while I have experience with the psychological chemical ones.
I still say that if happiness is going to be the day’s topic, depression needs to be addressed. I’ve been reading productivity sites for years and have never even seen it mentioned. I’m jealous of the people who don’t notice the disparity.
FekketCantenel Says:
April 3rd, 2008, 0:25 am
… Wow, Leo, you reply damn quick.
Well, on a practical level, all I’m requesting is that you mention in the article that these are high standards to a depressed person, and that they might need more (chemical antidepressants, counselling, et cetera). Jodie’s suggestions might also be taken into account.
As for the possibility of actually addressing depression, I wish I could help, but like I said, all I can do is explain my experiences (maybe with collaboration from people in the Zen Habits forums).
Leo Says:
April 3rd, 2008, 0:29 am
@Fekket: Done! I added an edit to the article, as a disclaimer. And I thank you and others for point out this flaw in my article — it’s been a great discussion!
As for doing an article on clinical depression, I am in no way qualified to do so. A blogger named John Van Sickel did do a guest post on a related topic a little while ago you might be interested in — he’s not an expert, but someone who has gone through depression:
http://zenhabits.net/2007/08/6-practical-and-powerful-ways-to-overcome-depression/
a Says:
April 3rd, 2008, 0:29 am
to follow up on people attacking you for trying to spread happiness. ricard in his book cites examples of people living for decades in captivity and undergoing torture yet finding contentment/happiness. if something like that is possible than surely it must be possible to be happy while not being able to afford rent.
FekketCantenel Says:
April 3rd, 2008, 0:35 am
While your point on choosing to be healthy is a decent point, it has parallel flaws. Just this evening, I was thinking about a friend of mine. He weighs (if I remember correctly) 450 lbs on average, and has since he was very young. From what I remember, it’s a glandular problem of some sort. He also has grotesquely-swollen feet caused by lymphoma.
He’s probably the most upbeat guy I’ve ever met, but occasionally he settles down and gets depressed about his health. He knows that his life will be shorter than average, and that he can’t do a thing about it. The surgery necessary to even begin to deal with his problems is not only incredibly expensive, but dangerous.
So, while the vast majority of people can choose to be healthy, others — like my friend — don’t have a choice. He still lives with his problems and is generally a happy guy, but it really hurts him when people imply that he’s just a lazy fatass. Beside the fact that it’s judgmental, it’s not true.
What I’m saying is that while the ’shut up and get a life, drop and give me twenty’ attitude might work to get some people to wake up and take charge of their life, it can be very hurtful to people like me and my friend, who can’t help ourselves.
Leo Says:
April 3rd, 2008, 0:38 am
@Fekket: As I said in my comment, the statement “being healthy is a choice” obviously doesn’t apply to everyone. Certainly not your friend or people with various other diseases or health problems they have no control over.
FekketCantenel Says:
April 3rd, 2008, 0:40 am
a, don’t be insulting and trite. You missed the entire point of what I’m saying. Maybe you need to read about what depression is.
Besides, as I said repeatedly (and as he put in his disclaimer), Leo’s article is a great list for people not clinically-depressed or weighed-down by unavoidable life problems. I’m not against the spread of happiness; I just resented the implication that it would work for everyone.
Leo: Just looked at the disclaimer. It improves the article, but seems to be contradicted by what you say immediately after (”I know how that is, but…”). However, I’m satisfied. Thanks for listening to us.
FekketCantenel Says:
April 3rd, 2008, 0:43 am
*rereads Leo’s comment on health*
I read it as you implying that it can be done, but that it might take time. Then again, it’s almost midnight here, so I probably missed your point. Sorry, then, but I’m glad I got the chance to share the example of my friend (to add detail to the discussion).
I’ll stop commenting when people stop saying interesting things. So… I’ll probably still be here by morning.
Alex | Livingwish Says:
April 3rd, 2008, 0:56 am
Learning to enjoy the simplest things is the best point in the entire article in my opinion. It’s ironic of how people, even after years of experience, still want more than they can handle.
I also think that the reason it is hard for people to find contentment with the things they have, is largely due to peer pressure, and just seeing others with more hi-tech stuff.
Cheers to another great article Leo.
Alex
mike Says:
April 3rd, 2008, 0:56 am
“But listen to this: I’ve had those conditions at several points in my life. And sometimes, I was unhappy in those kinds of conditions. And others, I was happy and content. So I’ve come to the conclusion — and it’s proven true time and again — that it’s not the conditions that make me unhappy, but my choice of thoughts, of attitude, of behavior.”
For those whose conditions don’t inhibit moving forward — my feeling is that most of your readers fit the category — someone once said that (my paraphraase) we will stay the same until the pain of changing is less than the pain of staying the same. I surf with a guy who came back from a military tour & could not get it together. He’s a “genius” but was sleeping under a hotel on the beach. One day another homeless persons asked him to help him get to the other side of the island because that’s where he wanted to die. My friend, realizing that was his future, found a way to put his energy working for him. He got into college, now has a doctorate and owns his own software development company.
Christina M Says:
April 3rd, 2008, 1:02 am
Thank you so much! Reading this has helped me to remember that I live a truly blessed life, and that I should definitely be more thankful and appreciative.
FekketCantenel Says:
April 3rd, 2008, 1:02 am
mike, what happened to the guy who wanted to die?
Also, good analogy/truism. Pain is a motivator, as you say.
Margot Says:
April 3rd, 2008, 1:06 am
Wow. I came by to say that this has been one of my favorite articles from you so far. I’m glad I stayed for the discussion! Thank you all for pointing out that even in the case of happiness, there is diversity in humankind. A reminder to be sensitive to those around us. I am lucky in that my basic needs are met, and I’m free from depression, so happiness really is a choice for me. I appreciate the reminder and the advice shared in the article. My heart goes out to those not in my position.
Tom - Ponderosa Design Says:
April 3rd, 2008, 1:25 am
*Within my means for bedtime!*… and I finally got to catch one of the posts before morning coffee!
What a whirlwind tonight. Such an incredible concept contentment… Several years ago I was introduced to the concept of topics that are both extremes of one another, and yet dependent… like the way a bird has to use both wings to fly in a straight line, otherwise, it just flips in circles. It was used in the concept of guidelines and grace. We need both, and we need them together.
I see contentment as that moment we acknowledge certain noises from our human pain, and seek the opportunity to offset it with matured objectivity.
Sure life introduces pain, but when “we”… and to save my butt, “we” meaning those that have experienced earlier lives surrounded by too much excess, with such little room to process… when we look across the broader spectrum of humanity… those that have hurt before us, along side us, and have yet to hurt, there’s a chance to be empowered by grace to silence ego, and toss our arms around the shuttering child of realization.
I’m a father of an 18 month old son… and lately it’s been all of this battle almost daily. Messy house, disorganized time, faulty finances, sleepless nights… some arguments, TONS of shared meaning, and reminders of attachment parenting.
But I’m seeing that beauty, when we acknowledge simplified beauty… the glow of a spouses laughter, the rate of my son’s heartbeat, the sun finding it’s way above us again after the long winter… beauty seems to be the steady hand on a teared-over face inside. She holds our fragile state in balance with understanding pain and being content that we rose to another day.
So, in my little way of seeing life… I see that contentment is difficult to balance with our human pain… but pulled together with simple, acknowledged beauty… it might just send us straight ahead into greater maturity.
Stirring article. God know’s I needed to hear it.
Thanks again, Leo. Incredible how mentorship is taking new forms with this Information Age.
My peace to you all in your pursuits & life balances.
Eugene (Editor, Varsity Blah) Says:
April 3rd, 2008, 1:37 am
There are three quotes I’d like to share:
“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” – William Shakespeare
“Most people would rather be certain they’re miserable than risk being happy.” – Robert Anthony
“In the end you realize that happiness is a choice and that you might as well be happy because 99% of the time there’s no reason not to.” - Work in Progress
Great post, Leo!
BA Says:
April 3rd, 2008, 1:46 am
This is my first comment - just had to say awesome post. Keep it up!
Noah Says:
April 3rd, 2008, 1:59 am
When you smile, your brain releases chemicals that raise your mood. You have no choice in these chemical reactions, there’s no way to will your heart to stop beating or to release more dopamine into your nervous system.
But you can always choose to smile.
Hugo Says:
April 3rd, 2008, 2:09 am
As I’ve read in Lou Marinoff’s “The Big Questions”, positive thinking will turn dis-ease into ease and happiness. But it cannot cure disease.
The distinction between disease and dis-ease is an important one.
But I do agree on the power of positive thinking.
Hugo
http://www.peetersonline.nl
Griffin Says:
April 3rd, 2008, 2:19 am
Just my two-cents:
If anyone’s initial connection (and appreciation) of this site was like mine, it probably came by stumbling upon the page by happenstance (or referred by another site, friend, etc), reading something beautiful and/or profound, and eagerly awaiting the next post for more nuggets of knowledge/motivation.
Like a lot of things in life, though, as our expectations are continually met in our favor, then seemingly blindsided, it’s disheartening, discouraging, and downright wrong! (or so we think so)
Here’s a somewhat trite example: my favorite basketball team began their season this year with less than average expectations. After the first turn of the season, they began playing with amazing fortitude and won 14 games in a row. In my sports world, things were great. Until their streak ended. My heart sank and anger/disappointment welled up inside of me. Then I realized how much joy I experienced during this streak, and — even with the loss — what it really meant: progress.
It’s almost humorous (we can laugh, can’t we?) to think that this site, with its many examples, suggestions, and shared wisdom in our journey of life can sometimes create “bumps in the road” as we aim to employ some of these tips/thought processes. Yet, one things we can all agree to is that their are bumps in the road - lots of them. TONS! Yet our road still lay ahead, with twists, turns, and the resources to pave our own way at our ready. And regardless of these bumps - however severe they may be - they will become “bumps of the past” which means that we have achieved a milestone akin to that of my beloved basketball team: progress.
Sorry for the ramble. I’m a tad tired…but this post certainly spawned an interest and sympathy that I wanted to share. Even if it doesn’t make a ton of sense! :-)
Much love to all.
Avani Says:
April 3rd, 2008, 2:22 am
Something I learnt from my dad in my childhood:
Whenever you are sad, ask yourself:
Given what has happened, for how long will I remain sad. 1 year? 2 years? 10 years? If, my answer is 1 year, then can I not get out of this sadness within 6 months? If getting out of sadness within 6 months is possible, then isn’t the same thing possible in 3 months? …
Key question being that how much of my sad time is what happened worth.
And, if I will really get out of sadness someday then what would have changed between now and then. It’s definately not what happened or how things were. It might also not be how my life is. So what has caused this change.
The only thing that probably changed is that as time passed by, my mind told me that it is not worth being sad over it anymore. I make a decision to accept what happened / is happening and move ahead and choose happiness inspite of it.
And if I can make this decision to accept what happened then and make peace with it some time later, why can’t I do that today; fasten the process basically? Accepting today whatever has happened, however I am, frees me to move on and be happy.
While agreed extreme situations cannot be worked out this way, this technique has worked for me in practically all my tough times.
passerby Says:
April 3rd, 2008, 4:56 am
Chasing contentment is no different from chasing anything. Equanimity is better.
Jen Says:
April 3rd, 2008, 5:00 am
Leo — thanks for another great post. Your absolutely right in that having less & being content with that is the path towards happiness. It’s the people & relationships in our lives that make life worth living … along with the little things that bring us joy each and every day!
Robin Turner Says:
April 3rd, 2008, 5:02 am
On the question of whether we can choose to be happy, we need first to distinguish between unpleasant circumstances, like not being able to pay the rent, and clinical depression. If you can’t pay your rent, you can choose not be miserable about it (though of course that is a harder choice to make than, say, choosing not to be upset because you can’t get an iPhone). I don’t suppose Diogenes was worried about not being able to pay the rent. In the case of clinical depression, your capacity for choice is damaged because there is something physically wrong with your brain (if there isn’t, it shouldn’t be called clinical depression; it’s just normal misery).
So in a normal,function person, happiness and unhappiness are indeed the result of our choices. As Epictetus said, we are not disturbed by events, but by the opinions we form about events. However, it is not enough to simply chose to be happy (although that’s an important first step). The choices we make - usually without being aware of them - are at a deeper level. If I am unhappy because I can’t buy an iPhone, I haven’t chosen to be unhappy as such: I have chosen to believe that an iPhone is necessary for my well-being (and at a deeper level, that it is essential from me to get things that I want) and am unhappy as a result.
Bill Says:
April 3rd, 2008, 5:12 am
Hey Leo - thanks for a great post. I totally agree with your views on choice. You can choose happiness in the darkest of times. It takes courage.
Most people confuse the word decision and choice. In a decision the considerations make the selection. When you choose, you freely select after consideration. There is quite a distinction and it takes some real effort to establish the distinction.
thehealthblogger Says:
April 3rd, 2008, 6:46 am
Great article!
As Stephen Altrogge put it above, “very foreign in our Western culture!”
If you put aside 10 minutes and reflect on everything you are grateful for, you will feel on top of the world! Try it. Preferably whilst alone, in a quiet relaxing environment.
Brett Legree Says:
April 3rd, 2008, 7:42 am
I like what you wrote today. Distilled down, it makes a lot of sense. Be happy with what you have right now, because a positive mindset makes it easier for you to move towards a goal or goals that you have - which all of us have. If we wallow in misery, we won’t accomplish anything, and in fact, will bring others down.
Thanks for the words Leo, and congrats as well on your second marathon.
Shane Says:
April 3rd, 2008, 7:55 am
First off very good article. I was very interested in it but I am not sure if I was capable enough to catch the message or apply it to myself.
I am a very happy person and yet I have tremendous general discontent. My happiness comes from the fact that I love living (and maybe genetics), and I enjoy everything including the things that go wrong in my life. Each recognized failure is a learning experience and with learning comes growth and this is what living is all about. Currently I can’t pay my rent, my business is not so good, I have not had a meaningful relationship in way too long, and my physical health is not as good as it could be. But yet I am very happy but tremendously discontent with my situation. I suffer from severe panic attacks which keep me from socializing with friends or going out on dates, and yet I am still very happy in my loneliness. Even when I am depressed I enjoy the sadness just as I would enjoy a ‘good’ feeling…after all, to have feeling, good and bad, mean that you are alive. However, my happiness has nothing to do with my contentment and to base my happiness on my contentment would just drag me down. I do not choose to be happy, that may be beyond my powers, but I choose to live out all of my feelings and emotions. To choose to always be happy I would be cheating myself out of a well rounded existence. I know people who live under a bridge and are very happy but have very little contentment. And I also know people who have everything, they are very content, but they can’t figure out happiness. I personally have no problem with happiness but I cant find contentment.
I understand that everyone has a different can of beans to open and deal with. Wanting to be happy is human nature, no one wants to be sad. So to say all you need is to want to be happy is way to simple, like saying you need to want to not be hungry instead of feeding yourself. By saying that is is your choice, those who can’t find happiness for whatever reason are they failing? Or they just don’t want it enough? There is so much more to the equation that go way beyond ones will or contentment. Simplifying it also makes failure that much more simple as well.
Eva Says:
April 3rd, 2008, 8:01 am
Great article. I love your blog–I’m now making it a daily reading habit, although there are many I don’t get to everyday. Thank you for well thought out, very wise, well-written posts.
On a side note, I’d be interested in hearing what are the 10 or so blogs that you’ve pared down to reading (I’m pretty sure that was you I read saying that.) I’m still a little overwhelmed with those I try to follow.
Again, thanks for a great post and an awesome blog.
Eva
Diana Says:
April 3rd, 2008, 8:22 am
Wise words, Leo, thank you.
blogrdoc Says:
April 3rd, 2008, 8:43 am
When I think being content, I think about Bob Dylan’s line:
“All I’ve got is a red guitar, three chords and the truth”
I might not have many readers on my blog (yet) - but I just think to myself: “all I’ve got is a blog, three subscribers…”
Wendi Kelly Says:
April 3rd, 2008, 9:05 am
@Shane,
Believe it or not- I just understood everything you just said- I totally get it and was thinking along the same lines as I read through these comments.Years and years ago, I made a very poor choice and married a man who turned out to be a very dangerous wife-beater who tried to kill me. getting him out of my life was a nightmere lesson. I was depressed, terrified, embarassed. Yet I discovered, amazingly that he hadn’t been able to take away my basic ability to be happy and grateful for the world around me, my family and my joy in being alive. I was still a happy person. Learning this about myself gave me great strength, but remains a mystery, as the discussion here shows. I don’t know exactly how it can be…and if the secret could be unlocked for everyone it would be a wonderful thing, but I don’t really know what it is.
T Says:
April 3rd, 2008, 9:13 am
Thanks for a good post and discussion.
My thoughts reading the post were related to but distinct from the main discussion. I too thought “yet another person saying ‘just be glad you have your health, that you’re alive!’… but what does that do for you when you DON’T have your health, and that’s what you’re grieving for?” But, I don’t want to complain that it makes the article wrong - I want to know if you have any thoughts (or could may be do a post, or get a guest poster) on how to apply these kinds of concepts when health is one of the problems.
In my case, I’m not actually thinking so much of depression, but of two close family members who both have aggressive and incurable cancers. For both, they are anxious and scared, and we all know that this itself has a terribly high cost - when the time left to you is limited, you want even more not to waste any of it failing to appreciate what’s around you. But it’s so hard sometimes. Being young and healthy myself, a lot of my optimism is of the “I’ve got life!” (think: Nina Simone at the end of the song) variety. I know it is possible to lose even the future and if anything get better at focusing on the now that’s still left to us, but… yeah. I guess my point is clear: if you’re thinking of extensions to this post, don’t forget times where your very life feels about to leave you!
Btw, if you’re looking for info on what this can feel like, David Rieff’s memoirs about his mother’s (Susan Sontag) death are a painful but vivid and, in my experience, accurate description of just how hard this kind of a situation can be for someone who’s lived their life with a focus (however optimistic) on the future.
@ Avani: I really liked this comment, thanks for sharing it!
-t
Maria - Never the Same River Twice Says:
April 3rd, 2008, 9:19 am
I think one of the best exercises in contentment and creative thinking is to go 24 hours without buying anything. It forces you to consider what you have available to you and reinforces abundance thinking.
--Deb Says:
April 3rd, 2008, 9:20 am
Loved this post. I agree with you about happiness, too. Barring psychological/chemical disorders beyond a person’s control–and also barring catastrophic events (because, nobody really *should* be happy at, say, a parent’s funeral or a hospital emergency room)–I absolutely do feel that a person can make themselves happy if they try hard enough. Certainly, it’s easy to make oneself miserable by dwelling on how awful things are, so why shouldn’t the reverse be true?
nicole Says:
April 3rd, 2008, 9:29 am
Grat article! And to Sara, the poster from yesturday who commented on her ex- thank you for just posting what you did. I am married to someone who is so miserable that he cannot enjoy his life, let alone me or our children. I keep hoping he will change, but I don’t believe he will anymore.
Char Says:
April 3rd, 2008, 9:33 am
Depression is a luxury for the West. Some people may get mad at me for saying that, but it’s true. Look at people in third world countries, they may be unhappy, but they can’t afford to be depressed (both in the literal and emotional sense). They are too busy trying to LIVE to be depressed. It’s not just me saying this, it’s been proven in studies.
They say they don’t understand what causes depression in people. I think not having a purpose in your life is a large contributing factor. Look at celebrities, how many of them have met an untimely end due to overdosing on drugs (prescription or otherwise)? When you have everything given to you and you remove that normal daily grind to motivate you, then these kinds of behaviours become more and more prevalent.
I understand about having a hard life situation, I used to live in America and grew up having absolutely nothing handed to me. Now, I can only speak as someone with a sound mind and body. I have no clinical problems, but just the regular human ones. I have followed Leo’s advice even before I knew about this site. I have have had times where I have felt so low, but I found something to keep me moving forward and now I’m running full tilt toward my goals. I’m like Leo, I have goals and I will always have goals, and they will be better than my old goals. It’s people who have NO goal in their lives that I think are more susceptible to these kinds of problems (and I mean many self fulfilling goals that you always strive for). People in third world countries always have a goal, even if that goal is to find food to eat that day. That is what I think prevents them from getting depression, even though they have every reason in the world to be depressed.
In the end, the mind is a tricky thing, and we will spend our whole lives trying to figure ourselves out. But I think for those who are motivated and have passions, it is easier to find happiness than those who don’t.
Becky Says:
April 3rd, 2008, 9:34 am
In addition to the points others have brought up, I think it’s also important to distinguish between sadness and mourning.
What interesting, is the question of whether one can be happy through times of mourning. I think the key is to never lose the faith, whatever form it takes, that gives you a strong, quiet place inside.
Chris Austria Says:
April 3rd, 2008, 9:38 am
Hey Leo–
Did some of the commenters get to you with your knack for making a list? Be yourself man, this is why I love reading your posts.
Anyway, my two cents about contentment. Whenever I feel ill-content with my life or situation, I begin focusing on other people’s lives. This forces me to see that I should be content with my life because it is the one that I made and everything in it is precious.
Mojowrkn Says:
April 3rd, 2008, 9:56 am
Thanks-Ive recently taken a pay cut for a job I consider more satisfying that also gives me more time for myself and my family. My health is excellent and time with my babygirl is more valuable than any money.
But ive gotta say in a society that values earning power it is an ego adjustment to move to what many would consider a less prestigious/powerful position.
Im working on it and this helps.
Aloha-John
Dot Says:
April 3rd, 2008, 10:00 am
I LOVE THIS POST!! Thanks for giving us a nice long dose of your thuoghts again, too.
On being happy — I can speak from experience on severe childhood abuse, clinical depression, and multiple handicaps. I agree with the therapist who commented that at times it just isn’t possible to choose to be happy. In those cases, the best one can do is to choose to make efforts towards being happy or at least less depressed. When severely depressed, you just can’t see any of the good in life, but you can choose to trust a therapist and can choose to embark on the (terrifying for a lot of us) experience of taking drugs that will affect the mind — antidepressants.
On being handicapped, because I am one of those who asked, “Why me?” for many years and still live in anger and grief far too much of the time, I remind myself that there are handicapped people who are happy and there are people with the same handicaps who aren’t happy.
We can choose to be content with who we are as we face things we can’t control. And after going through the various stages of grieving for our loss of health, control over our lives, independence, or whatever else has been taken from us by life, we can finally reach the stage of acceptance and make peace with the fact that life is the way it is, we can’t change it, and now we’re going to try to make the best of what’s left of it.
On being happy with a relationship — After my Dad died, I remarked to my therapist that it’s amazing how you can come to see all of a person’s really annoying habits with affection, after they’ve died. She replied, “Or even while they’re living.”
skyz Says:
April 3rd, 2008, 10:14 am
i went to a yoga ashram for a while and the ‘guru’ used to say there were four corners to spiritual life - contentment serenity good association and study of scriptures (does not matter which ones) - contentment is being satisfied - buddha said suffering was one degree or another of dissatisfaction - i have a would be friend who is always attempting and for the most part succeeding in controlling those around her for what she thinks is her benefit yet she is always discontented - she thinks she is winning but she is not factoring the extremely high spiritual and psychological cost - she makes it difficult or impossible for anyone to truly be a friend to her - she could have a million year and no responsibilities and still be discontented - contentment is all about being satisfied with who ou are not what you have -
Ezuk Says:
April 3rd, 2008, 10:15 am
Wow Leo — what a beautiful post.
Truly inspirational. I took a few things for myself.
Thank you.
