By Leo Babauta

Let’s imagine a scenario where you are standing in front of everyone, at your own party, surrounded by friends and family … but you’re afraid of their judgments.

You’re afraid one family member thinks you’re wasting your life, another might think you’re lazy, another might think you don’t have nice enough clothes, another might think you’re not in good enough shape. You don’t know that they have these judgments, but you’re afraid they might.

Stressful right? This is why people get social anxiety — we never know what people might be thinking, how they might be judging us.

I’m going to share something that we’ll call “view hacking” — basically, changing our view of other people, so that we can have a very different experience, way less stressful.

Let’s dive in.

Why We Stress About Other People

In the scenario I mentioned, what makes it stressful to be in front of all these people you know?

It’s the fear that they’re judging you. The fear of letting others down, of not fitting in, of being rejected. We don’t know if they’re judging us, but we’re afraid that they are.

So the view that we have is something like: these people are judging me.

It’s possible that’s true, but think about viewing the situation as a minefield for possible judgment and embarrassment — stressful, right?

The stress comes from this view.

The view that the people might be judging us, that we might be embarrassed, that the whole situation is dangerous … that’s the view that causes stress.

When we’re frustrated by other people, anxious about them, or having other kinds of problems like that … the stress comes from the view that we have of them. You might journal about it to try to uncover the view you have that’s stressing you out. It’s powerful.

Shift the View

Once we’ve identified the view, what can we do about it?

Well, first we should acknowledge that nothing needs to be done. It’s OK to be stressed about, frustrated by, anxious about other people.

But if we’d like to be less stressed about them, we can shift the view. Come up with a new view that feels more empowering and less stressful.

Some examples:

  • These people love and support me

  • I’m grateful to have a connection with this person

  • They’re trying their best, and have beautiful hearts

  • It would be fun to play with this person!

  • If they get upset, it’s a chance for a deeper connection with them

These are just a few examples — can you find a new view that would make you feel less stressed about people?

Once you have the view, it’s time to practice: write it down, and remind yourself of the new view whenever you’re feeling that stress. Let yourself really feel the new view, as if it were absolute truth. And then relate to this person or these people in this new way.

It takes a while to shift the view. But if you are intentional about it, the shift can be profound.