By Leo Babauta
When we’re looking to grow, what we’re really trying to do is step into a new, expanded view of ourselves.
For example, if you want to be more mindful, or live more simply, or be more compassionate with yourself or others, or be more disciplined about your meaningful work … these are all new versions of you. They’re expanded beyond your old way of seeing yourself.
We’re constantly trying to expand beyond an old identity: when we try something new, or try to grow in our relationships, or try to quit a bad habit … what we’re really doing is trying to shed our old self-view.
Unfortunately, the old self-view has a gravity to it, that tries to constantly pull us back into the old way.
So in some of the examples above, you might see:
- Be more mindful — the old way of going through your life mindlessly pulls you back in by having you get pulled into distractions, habitual patterns, etc.
- Living simply — the old way of living a cluttered life tries to keep you there by having fear stop you from decluttering, or by having fear try to have you shop on impulse.
- Be more disciplined — your old procrastinator self will put up resistance to that discipline, and have you want to avoid anything difficult or overwhelming.
- Try something new — your old comfortable self will throw up lots of resistance and thoughts to have you put off trying the new thing and feeling bad or awkward at it.
- Quit a bad habit — your old self will tell you, “Just this once won’t hurt” or “Why are you making yourself suffer” or “You deserve this reward” so that you stay in the comfort of the bad habit.
So the old identity tries to keep us in what we know. How do we expand beyond it?
Here’s what I’ve found.
1: Set the intention of an expanded self
Let’s imagine that you weren’t limited by your old identity — who do you want to be? What would you like to do that feels a bit impossible? It can be something small (“I want to wake up a little earlier”), or it can be a massive shift for you (“I want to put my creative work out into the world in a bold way”).
Set this intention. Get clear on why this matters to you.
Then commit yourself to the actions that this expanded self would take.
2: Practice the actions and being
The shift in your self-view will come as you take actions that are outside of the old limited self-view. If your old identity is that you are an introvert, but now you’re talking to strangers every day … the old identity can’t survive.
So commit to taking the actions every day — or at least, most days, because it’s OK to give yourself breaks. The practice the expanded self-view by taking those actions as much as possible.
It will likely be hard, because you’ll be pulled back by your old identity (see next section) … but practice doing them anyway!
And as you do the actions, practice the expanded way of being as an inner state. For example, maybe you want to be more joyful as you do your work — then practice that joyfulness!
3: Notice when & how you’re getting pulled back
The old identity will try to pull you back every time you step outside of how you’ve always known yourself. If you want to speak in public, each time you sign up to do a talk, your mind will give you a bunch of reasons why you should cancel.
This is fear in action. It’s a bodily sensation of fear, resistance, dread, overwhelm. It’s also a series of thoughts — rationalizations (“It’s OK to skip it this once”) and mental gymnastics (“Life is too short to put yourself through this”).
Just notice all of this. Take notes! Get curious.
4: Give yourself compassion, but keep practicing
When you notice all of this, it’s simply fear in action. Just give your fear a bit of compassion. Breathe. Be understanding and loving.
Then take a small action, if you can. Just a tiny bit. Even that will create an opening for a new way of seeing yourself.