The Three Secrets to Happiness

Every Thursday is Happiness Day on Zen Habits.

We all know that money can’t buy happiness … but many times we act as if we’d be happier with a bit more money. We are conditioned to want to be rich (when we know the rich aren’t happy either); we are trained to want the latest gadget or style that television tells us to want; we want to earn more money because then we’ll have the good life.

But none of that will bring us happiness. No matter how much we earn, no matter how much we have in the bank, no matter how nice our clothing or cars or toys, none of it will make us happier. And the sad thing is that it could take us decades of pursuing wealth and luxury items before we realize this.

So what will bring us happiness? Luckily, it’s three things that don’t cost a thing. These three things have been proven by research — surveys of hundreds of thousands of people about what they have, what their lives are like, and how happy they are.

Here they are, the Three Secrets to Happiness:

Good relationships. We have a human need to be close, to be intimate, with other human beings. Having good, supportive friendships, a strong marriage or close and loving relationships with our family members will make us much more likely to be happy. Action steps: Take time, today, to spend time with your loved ones, to tell them what they mean to you, to listen to them, and develop your relationship with them.
Positive thinking. I’m obviously a big proponent of positive thinking as the best way to achieve your goals, but it turns out that it can lead to happiness too. Optimism and self-esteem are some of the best indicators of people who lead happy lives. Happy people feel empowered, in control of their lives, and have a positive outlook on life. Action steps: Make positive thinking a habit. In fact, this should be one of the first habits you develop. Get into the habit of squashing all negative thoughts and replacing them with positive ones. Instead of “I can’t” think “I can”. It may sound corny, but it has worked for me, every time.
Flow. This is a popular concept on the Internet these days — the state we enter when we are completely focused on the work or task before us. We are so immersed in our task that we lose track of time. Having work and leisure that gets you in this state of flow will almost undoubtedly lead to happiness. People find greatest enjoyment not when they’re passively mindless, but when they’re absorbed in a mindful challenge. Action steps: Find work that you’re passionate about. Seriously — this is an extremely important step. Find hobbies that you’re passionate about. Turn off the TV — this is the opposite of flow — and get outside and do something that truly engages you.

You’ve been given the Three Secrets to Happiness. Don’t waste them!

See also:

The Three Secrets to Happiness

Every Thursday is Happiness Day on Zen Habits.

Here they are, the Three Secrets to Happiness:

Good relationships. We have a human need to be close, to be intimate, with other human beings. Having good, supportive friendships, a strong marriage or close and loving relationships with our family members will make us much more likely to be happy. Action steps: Take time, today, to spend time with your loved ones, to tell them what they mean to you, to listen to them, and develop your relationship with them.
Positive thinking. I’m obviously a big proponent of positive thinking as the best way to achieve your goals, but it turns out that it can lead to happiness too. Optimism and self-esteem are some of the best indicators of people who lead happy lives. Happy people feel empowered, in control of their lives, and have a positive outlook on life. Action steps: Make positive thinking a habit. In fact, this should be one of the first habits you develop. Get into the habit of squashing all negative thoughts and replacing them with positive ones. Instead of “I can’t” think “I can”. It may sound corny, but it has worked for me, every time.
Flow. This is a popular concept on the Internet these days — the state we enter when we are completely focused on the work or task before us. We are so immersed in our task that we lose track of time. Having work and leisure that gets you in this state of flow will almost undoubtedly lead to happiness. People find greatest enjoyment not when they’re passively mindless, but when they’re absorbed in a mindful challenge. Action steps: Find work that you’re passionate about. Seriously — this is an extremely important step. Find hobbies that you’re passionate about. Turn off the TV — this is the opposite of flow — and get outside and do something that truly engages you.

You’ve been given the Three Secrets to Happiness. Don’t waste them!

See also:

Posted on 23 March 2007 in Happiness |
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Comments (27)

Stephen Says:

March 23rd, 2007, 19:33 pm

Fantastic post, Leo! I tell people this every day, when they get down about financial matters. I am going to email this to everyone on my list.

Thanks!

holli Says:

March 23rd, 2007, 20:09 pm

Well, on a pc I can post, even if I can’t on a mac.

Anyway, I like your list. Is flow the same thing as having purpose?

zenhabits Says:

March 23rd, 2007, 21:13 pm

@Stephen … thanks for the comment and for forwarding the article. I’m glad you enjoyed it!

@holli jo … I still haven’t been able to figure out your problem. If anyone knows the answer, I’d appreciate it. Basically, she can’t access the comments on my site when using Firefox on a Mac. Anyone else have the same problem?

As for your question, I think flow and having purpose are definitely related. I also think having purpose is another important factor in happiness that I didn’t mention, but like I said, it is related to flow. If you have purpose, that is more likely to lead to flow. Think of it as when you get so caught up in your work, you forget about everything else. That doesn’t happen to us all the time, but when it does, it brings happiness, I think.

Pratik Says:

March 23rd, 2007, 21:28 pm

I would have thought “Good Health” would be one of the top three reasons for happiness.

zenhabits Says:

March 23rd, 2007, 21:39 pm

Pratik … you have a point, although it’s not a necessity. If you have the three reasons I listed above, but not good health, you can still be happy. But I recommend good health as well!

No sarcasm or hypocrisy please Says:

March 24th, 2007, 4:06 am

Happiness? It’s quite simple. Practice altruism.

zenhabits Says:

March 24th, 2007, 7:47 am

No sarcasm: thanks for that great suggestion.

mental_surfeit Says:

March 24th, 2007, 16:05 pm

Thanks for your posts…I’ve been reading for a few weeks and find some nice ideas here.

About this one…something that often bothers me about these “meaning of life” type posts sometimes is that they can be slanted towards the lifestyles of people who are financially really well off. However, I like this post because I think these three suggestions apply to both poor people and wealthy people. In my opinion, the idea of finding “flow” is not restricted some exalted type of work. Instead, the attitude that we bring to our work — whatever our work is — is the key. I’m thinking about Thich Nhat Hahn’s suggestion to do everything mindfully –even washing the dishes.

zenhabits Says:

March 24th, 2007, 17:55 pm

@mental_surfeit: great comment. I agree that suggestions should be accessible by anyone, regardless of their income level. I don’t like writers who look down on poor people either — coming from a poor background myself, I know that it’s not an easy life and changing it takes time and courage.

As for your comment on flow and mindfulness, I agree. You could find flow with whatever you’re doing, if you learn to completely put yourself into it. This is a difficult, thing, though … I’ve tried it and like any other skill, it takes a lot of practice. My suggestion that you find something you’re passionate about is more of a shortcut to flow, I guess. :)

Thanks for the insightful comment.

barrygillis Says:

June 8th, 2007, 6:37 am

Sounds like two times no stress and one dose of diversion.

Alexa Says:

August 3rd, 2007, 12:25 pm

I try to think positive, but whenever I feel good about myself it makes me feel dirty and selfish. I don’t think I should feel good about myself because I have no accomplishments to feel good about. It makes me feel conceited. There is nothing good about me.

Alexa Says:

August 3rd, 2007, 12:26 pm

Also, TV and movies aren’t all bad… there are good, thought-provoking stories in any medium.

Grubber Says:

August 12th, 2007, 15:38 pm

>> These three things have been proven by research
>> surveys of hundreds of thousands of people.

What research? State your souces.

These methods may work for you but don’t assume they will work for everyone. Telling myself I’m great does little for me, positive action is much more effective.

Frances Says:

August 15th, 2007, 23:00 pm

This post sounds like you’ve never been horrifically poor.

Not enough money to buy food so you feel tired and groggy all the time.

Barely enough money to pay rent so every week is a stress.

Being hit with medical bills and other bills when there’s no money in the bank.

Try that lifestyle for a while. I can tell you, having money to do these basic things makes you happy. Sorry if that sounds harsh but money can buy happiness. The happiness to be alive and healthy. I also disagree with your previous post about vegan being cheaper. In my experience it’s more expensive because we have to buy vegetables in triple quantities and vegetables are very expensive ($3.59 for a single capsicum). Meat is cheap.

Leo Says:

August 17th, 2007, 17:38 pm

@Frances: Actually, I grew up very poor, and was poor during my early 20s, so I do know what that’s like. I’ve risen out of it, and even when I was poor, with the stress of paying rent and bills, I was a fairly happy person. It was a matter of outlook, and of taking positive action.

Regarding veganism being cheaper: I’ve tried both, and I can tell you that it is. You should be eating vegetables whether you eat meat or not, so the difference between meat and other protein sources (such as soy protein, tofu, beans, etc.) is quite large. Meat is very expensive.

John Says:

August 18th, 2007, 22:55 pm

Why do you say that TV is the opposite of flow? I’d say the opposite of flow would be trying to sleep while a smoke alarm goes off every five minutes. TV is like proto-flow: it’s engaging, but it doesn’t involve much creative involvement. So it’s got one of the two essential components of flow.

If you want to be successful, avoid unimportant but interesting pursuits, like TV and computer games, in favor of important and interesting pursuits. TV and video games bring diminishing returns in terms of interest - they’re very interesting at first, but after a while they seem repetitive.

Leo Says:

August 19th, 2007, 8:14 am

@John: I say that TV is the opposite of flow for the reason I stated in the article: “People find greatest enjoyment not when they’re passively mindless, but when they’re absorbed in a mindful challenge.”

TV is passive, and mindless, while flow is active, and engaging, and positive. In this sense, they are opposites.

I agree, of course, with your second paragraph. :)

Joanne Says:

September 27th, 2007, 16:35 pm

You’re in my feed reader, but I don’t always comment…however, I saw this article at the end of the linkbacks in one of your recents posts….and what a great post this is! You know, at first I was rather doubtul (can there really be only 3 secerts…is there even 1?!). But I have to say, those three things you’ve listed are right on the money. It incorporates love for others and yourself, as well as an appreciation for all the good that comes hand-in-hand with the bad in Life.

Thanks!

Anna Says:

October 23rd, 2007, 2:29 am

A great post, thank you :) I would also add that giving to others factors very largely (in my experience) in being happy. Giving selflessly of your time, income, possessions, without expecting anything in return, seems to be a guarenteed path to happiness, and it’s also a good way to meet the needs of point 1 - human relationships.

I think too money can buy happiness but it’s usually only temporary happiness, it can’t create lasting happiness the way human interaction does.

Andrew Brunelle Says:

January 1st, 2008, 22:34 pm

Money can play a component in being happy. It is a relief of stress and burden. When you have enough, it is easier to feel happy, but if you become happy and live your purpose, money should be the least of your worries. You will be so enthralled in your work, the value you create will be substantial enough to give you the abundance you deserve.

Steven Says:

January 24th, 2008, 15:21 pm

Hey.

Excellent article.

I’d love to have a “Recommend this article to my friend/s” button, like “Send this article to:”/ “From:” / “Comment:”.

Hope I didn’t miss it, if it’s already there somewhere ;)

~greets from Vienna

simply Here Says:

January 31st, 2008, 17:07 pm

Thank you , a million times

Marcia Says:

February 20th, 2008, 10:27 am

The one big life lesson I’ve always tried to teach my kids is that you don’t have to be rich to be successful. You just need to feel good about yourself. The only way to do that is to do your best every day, to be kind, work hard, be honest and practice appreciation. Your list of 75 simple pleasures is sweet, but if one is appreciative, the list can be endless.

Jonathan Says:

February 24th, 2008, 19:55 pm

Ola!!! I love this website. I find a lot of similarities in my own writing. The 75 Zen habits inspired me to share some of my own Zen practices on my blog. I would love to exchange links with you for my blog roll. My travel blog has travel stories, enlightened teachings, and inspirational vibes. Check it out and let me know if you want to exchange links, I get a lot of traffic and think it will be beneficial for both sites. Cheers
J
http://idreamnowtravelblog.com/

Sarah Jacobs Says:

March 14th, 2008, 2:59 am

I find the idea of flow you mentioned really interesting. Have you experienced this yourself? Do you think it’s a skill you can develop, or is it merely something that happens naturally under the right conditions?

good article

Jonathan Says:

March 16th, 2008, 1:53 am

I have added your Zen Habits to my blogroll, simply because more people in the world should read your website. Thank you! I find your blog very inspiring. Pura Vida
J