How to Become a Patient Parent

Tantowi Says:

May 13th, 2007, 7:41 am

What Is a Good Parent?
• aim to be authoritative - not over-protective, permissive or dictatorial
• learn-to cope with stress and conflict, and accept responsibility for your decisions
• have confidence in your children and love them for what they are
• share things with children - eating, playing or going out with them
• be consistent and set clear rules
• talk honestly to children - and listen too
• see things from your child’s point of view
• reinforce good behaviour rather than punishing bad.

Tina Says:

May 13th, 2007, 12:08 pm

Thanks for the good and well-timed advice. My son just turned two and has started with the public tantrums and random acts of violence. I was awoken today with a shoe to the eye. It was really hard for me to respond appropriately, but hopefully some of these tips can help me for next time.

MacKash Says:

May 13th, 2007, 13:11 pm

Leo, i just wanted to say how much I love your website… I look forward to reading your new posts everyday.. I’m not surprised that you have such a huge following in such a short amount of time… Keep up the good work!!
-Mack

AJ Says:

May 13th, 2007, 13:48 pm

I’m really starting to get into these ’self-help’ kind of blogs, and your blog is really great. I also enjoy reading these parenting tips, even though I don’t have children myself (I’m only 20, so I’ve got a while to get there). I do coach adolescences and children, however, and most of these tips apply there, as well. Children are children, and I think coaching has a definite parallel to parenting in certain aspects. Great job with the blog!

Leo Says:

May 13th, 2007, 15:21 pm

Thanks for the nice comments, guys! I appreciate the positive feedback — this kind of encouragement really does help.

@Tina: A shoe in the eye? That would be a test of anyone’s patience. :)

Dave Says:

May 13th, 2007, 15:26 pm

Here’s something that has helped me when dealing with unpleasant/frustrating situations. I simply ask myself two questions: First, “What do I believe to be true at this moment?” and second, “Is that actually true?”

For instance, let’s say the kids are playing a “yelling game” at dinner. Before I resign to unhappiness, I ask myself the first question: “What do I believe at this moment?” The answer: “Ugh, I believe they’re never going to stop yelling.”

Question two: “Is that really true?” Answer: “Of course not! It would be completely impossible for them to literally never stop yelling.” This may sound simplistic and silly, but it really works for me.

Ed Says:

May 13th, 2007, 15:48 pm

My favorite trick is to remind myself that they are just behaving childishly, and that is as it should be.
Sometimes I will, in frustration, tell them to stop acting childishly! It usually sounds so ridiculous as I say it that it breaks the tension and alleviates my frustration. The kids think it’s pretty funny, too.

Cynthia Says:

May 13th, 2007, 15:59 pm

These are wonderful tips, Leo, and I am printing them out and going to read them everyday for awhile, to see if that helps me remember them. :-) As a younger woman, I was rather impulsive and regret many things said to my children during their formative years, but you can’t beat yourself up over it, and they seem to have turned out OK, despite the occasional outbursts to them with verbal tongue lashings.

These ideas and reinforcement of them really would have great when my children (all now grown) were in their late teens and causing my husband and me a LOT of grief. Oftentimes just unthinkably rude behavior on their part and some aggression here and there, but I still could have handled numerous “serious” infractions of reasonable rules much differently than I did.

There are times when your children are nearly grown when you think, “WHY in the world did I ever have children?” But, it’s best not said to them. heh

Again, this is all good advice from you. I know most people reading it will probably think of using these suggestions with younger children, and that is good, too, but, please believe me, many of us are going to really, really need this information when our kids are teens, especially if they are strong-willed. :-)

Leo Says:

May 13th, 2007, 16:15 pm

Great comments, guys! Ed and Dave, I love your suggestions. Cynthia, I appreciate the positive feedback. I have one teenager so far, and thus far I’ve been very lucky with her. I’m just waiting for the day when she turns absolutely rude and aggressive, as you mentioned. Thanks for sharing your insight.

Rod Fage Says:

May 13th, 2007, 18:37 pm

The parenting tip that I try to adhere to:

“Would you do or save that to your best friends kids?”

If the answer is no, why are you doing it. This is supposed to be the person you love most in the world.

ROD>

tanyetta Says:

May 14th, 2007, 17:59 pm

my son bonked each one of his playgroup friends today! needless to say i am NOT the perfect or patient parent! help!!!

Leo Says:

May 14th, 2007, 18:22 pm

Hi tanyetta … as I mentioned, I’m not perfect in this regard either. But you’ve already got a great start, because you recognize that this is something you’d like to work on. The next step is to become more aware of it as you become angry or frustrated. Just increased awareness is a big step. Then, you can apply some of the tips I’ve given above. Be patient with yourself first — don’t beat up on yourself, but just continue to become more aware of the problem and work on changing your habits. It’s possible, but again, don’t dwell on your failures.

Good luck!

Vincent Says:

May 14th, 2007, 18:33 pm

Excellent words at the end of the article–specifically, always react in love.

I come from a house where my brothers and I (I’m one of five) were disciplined pretty consistently. We got spankings when we misbehaved, which some people think of as brutal, but I’m glad they did it.

However, my father always says that he never once spanked us out of anger. When you spank a child when you yourself are not in control emotionally, the discipline they receive can cross over into abusive territory. So: even though kids can be frustrating, never react out of anger. As Leo says, react out of love.

An example: any time we got serious spankings, my parents would hug us afterward. We were always, always reassured that we were being disciplined because we were loved, and our discipline always made sense to us. Our parents would sit us down beforehand and explain why we were about to get the discipline and when we understood, we got it.

Anyway. Thanks for another great article, Leo.

NBiehl Says:

May 14th, 2007, 22:11 pm

Great post…

A couple tips to add…

1) When you STOP before you count to 10, actually imagine a red, octagonal stop sign in your mind. By forcing yourself to use a decidedly abstract part of your thoughts, your mind’s eye, you can shift your brain activity AWAY from the “fight or flight” center of frustration and adrenaline and hasten the return of rational capabilities.

2) Remember that when kids are acting up, it’s not just because they’re evil little monsters. Misbehavior often has a goal behind it, even if the kids are only subconsciously aware of this.
Stop for a second and ask yourself “What exactly is this beautiful, exuberant, brilliant little being trying to get out of this situation?”
Often, when I look at the big picture in this light, it’s so easy for me to see that my kids weren’t acting out of malice, disrespect, or even ignorance. I can look into their eyes and see that even though the results of their actions may be infuriating, they were truly acting with every intention of doing what they thought was right and even impressing their parents in some way.
In fact, when I remember to do this (and that’s nowhere near every time) I often find occasion to praise and commend them for what they were trying to accomplish, and all thoughts of yelling, banishing, or spanking them vanish into thin air (a big deal for me, as I am ex-military.)

Charlie Boyd Says:

May 16th, 2007, 14:59 pm

I’m the super [NY for "janitor" or "custodian"] of an aging Bronx apartment house and I’ve always thought that parenting is a much overblown endeavor. I simply keep on drinking, dragging out the ash barrels from our illegal incinerator burning, and beat the hell out of my kids in a drunken rage. They stay real quiet when I’m around, let me tell you.

Children are to be seen and not heard. Or maybe not even ’seen’.

Milander Says:

May 18th, 2007, 20:35 pm

As much as I’ve enjoyed reading these tips, the most important thing any parent can remember is that every child is an individual. What I mean by that is that some things work with some kids and others don’t. We have 3 boys with a lot of energy, unfortunately we don’t have a garden in which they can run about and burn of that joyful energy. We’ve learnt ot direct their energies in other directions.

It really does take the patience of a saint to deal with kids and every one is unique, as I’ve learnt the best thing to do is imagine yourself at theri age and to remember that if you’re getting pissed because they broke your DVD/vvideo/stereo or whatever, just remember that in 15 years or so it’s going to be your car…

Remember the little things are not important in the grand scheme of things and that having an older teen child tell you that they love you, straight out of the blue for no reason, is the strongest reason for living.

Maybe its living in Eastern Europe, but as I have two sons brought up here with the benefit of a western education and eastern morals.. phew, it’s hard to explain, but my sons kiss me (politely, cheeks) goodnight and are in no way averse to a hug or a display of affection towards their father, that is something I never experienced from my own parents or have seen other British people experience from their own children.

ach, I could go on… the west has a lot to learn about raising a family from countries where P (political) C (correction) has not taken over and children can still experiance familial closeness without prejudice, play in the streets, get clipped over the ear by a copper if they misbehave, and are generally allowed to fall out of trees without neighbours worrying they will be sued.

rant rant rant… sorry

Stu Mark Says:

May 22nd, 2007, 13:33 pm

Congrats, this post has been nominated for Hot Stuff Of The Week over at our site, GNMParents - Good luck in the voting!

Mary Says:

May 28th, 2007, 20:57 pm

Wonderful advice and I plan on using these ideas. Some I already try, but I need it more. especially as a homeschooling parent, this is valuable. Well, for any parent.

donald Says:

May 28th, 2007, 22:05 pm

Thanks for this, I have been struggling with this issue for the last few weeks - since our third child was born and there has been little sleep for me and my wife I have become very impatient with the four and two year olds at a time when they need my patience most.
I’ll give these tips a try!

Christa Says:

August 7th, 2007, 10:23 am

Great Article

This is worth writing down in my handy notebook to keep on hand all the time as a reminder to myself, because these tips are so easy to forget when you find that your 5 year old colored all over the front of your refrigerator with a black marker. (smile)

Moofy Says:

February 14th, 2008, 14:15 pm

Leo, First of all to say, I love your website! Every part of it has something special to say.
Do you have any comments or suggestions on the following: How does a very attitudinally positive, present moment thinking mom deal with a strong willed ADHD attitudinally negative 10 y/o boy who is both at the same time the most joyous part of her life and also the most challenging? I maintain a peaceful state of mind except when dealing with situations where I must correct my son, and believe me, he does not give in easily. It just seems impossible to enforce anything in a way without going over the top, which takes me out of my state of joy and peace. And when I encourage him to think positively, he just says the opposite of whatever I say, and continues acting and thinking negatively, even more so. Help!

jametta Says:

April 16th, 2008, 9:56 am

Yes, but what if your kid actually needs to be beat? I’m not being altogether sarcastic here-how do you calmly deal with really serious issues that need some sort of severe dislipline without getting psycho when you know discussion won’t help? Or consistent extreme behavior? Conventional parenting techniques do not work with my daughter, yet I know there has to be a way.

Andrea Says:

September 25th, 2008, 0:28 am

These are great, thank you! I’d like to add “put yourself in your child’s shoes”. It can completely change your attitude. Thanks for a great post.

Trish Says:

September 30th, 2008, 3:21 am

A great list to remember - easy to forget so I printed it out to laminate for my fridge.
thank you !

Outlet Says:

December 15th, 2008, 19:35 pm

Really interesting tips I am falling in love with your site. I our country is 35 min after midnight and I am still reading.

Kesia Says:

December 19th, 2008, 0:58 am

Clowing around works for me….. When driving in the vehicle I would easily loose my patience when my 2 young boys started whining or crying, etc. I ended up getting hot under the collar and yelling at them - taking my focus off driving safely. Then I got the idea to keep a red clown nose in my front consol and use it on myself whenever the boys behavior got to me. Now as soon as I start getting angry with them I put the clown nose on and slip right into character. My sillyness makes them forget about their problems and they start to laugh, which inturn lowers my blood pressure instantly!

washeathero Says:

March 17th, 2009, 17:53 pm

A good while ago i did a course in Psychology mainly studying children’s behaviour and how do deal with it.

And i learned a few good tips that really do work at least with my 2 and 6 yr olds.

#1. When they really have a good hard paddy force them to sit on a chair,bottom step whatever works for you until they calm down.It may take a while but if you are really strict with it after a few attempts it will work.Obviously this can only really work at home and not out at the shops but it is amazing how when you show the side of you to the kids which is strict and wont budge its amazing how it follows you all day in everything you do.

#2. when you do end up shouting or smacking make a point of telling the child why it was bad,annoying ect and tell them after that you still love them and your just disappointed at what they have done.I know this may sound silly but sometimes it really does help to just explain your actions and in doing that it really makes the child think what they have done.

#3.This is one that really helps me a lot brainstorm situations that you are good at dealing with and ones you are bad at,like maybe in the park or the supermarket padding.Or maybe when they are fighting with a sibling at home.This really makes you focus on what you need to work on and the fact that you are actually good in some situations.

#5.Spend good quality time with them,its amazing how much they improve their behaviour and how much they appreciate you after just a few hours of quality time.

for example when i was potty training my oldest we were so close and i was one on one for a good few days with her doing all sort of different games and activities so i knew when she needed to go to the loo.After this her behaviour improved so much and to be honest it made me feel quite guilty at the small amount of time i did spend with her doing quality things before this point.

there are loads more i can think of but i would be typing forever and im not very fast at doing that lol so i will stop now,but i hope you get the idea.

also as just a last little point when thinking of activities to do with your kids i find it good inspiration to think of my memories as a child and even though i did go on some very expensive holidays these arnt the things that come straight to mind,instead its things like going to the park,walking my nans dog.playing cards in a cheap collect coupon holiday caravan when all the family went away and the roof fell in.Baking cakes with my nan,i could go on but you get the idea sometimes it doesn’t have to cost the earth to make them happy its just having your time.

marc Says:

May 19th, 2009, 9:19 am

I’m going to try to use some of these tips…thought you might be inspired, too. mmw