A Guide to Cultivating Compassion in Your Life, With 7 Practices

“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” - Dalai Lama

“My message is the practice of compassion, love and kindness. These things are very useful in our daily life, and also for the whole of human society these practices can be very important.” - Dalai Lama

I believe compassion to be one of the few things we can practice that will bring immediate and long-term happiness to our lives. I’m not talking about the short-term gratification of pleasures like sex, drugs or gambling (though I’m not knocking them), but something that will bring true and lasting happiness. The kind that sticks.

The key to developing compassion in your life is to make it a daily practice.

Meditate upon it in the morning (you can do it while checking email), think about it when you interact with others, and reflect on it at night. In this way, it becomes a part of your life. Or as the Dalai Lama also said, “This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.”

Definition
Let’s use the Wikipedia definition of Compassion:

Compassion is an emotion that is a sense of shared suffering, most often combined with a desire to alleviate or reduce the suffering of another; to show special kindness to those who suffer. Compassion essentially arises through empathy, and is often characterized through actions, wherein a person acting with compassion will seek to aid those they feel compassionate for.

Compassionate acts are generally considered those which take into account the suffering of others and attempt to alleviate that suffering as if it were one’s own. In this sense, the various forms of the Golden Rule are clearly based on the concept of compassion.

Compassion differs from other forms of helpful or humane behavior in that its focus is primarily on the alleviation of suffering.

Benefits
Why develop compassion in your life? Well, there are scientific studies that suggest there are physical benefits to practicing compassion — people who practice it produce 100 percent more DHEA, which is a hormone that counteracts the aging process, and 23 percent less cortisol — the “stress hormone.”

But there are other benefits as well, and these are emotional and spiritual. The main benefit is that it helps you to be more happy, and brings others around you to be more happy. If we agree that it is a common aim of each of us to strive to be happy, then compassion is one of the main tools for achieving that happiness. It is therefore of utmost importance that we cultivate compassion in our lives and practice compassion every day.

How do we do that? This guide contains 7 different practices that you can try out and perhaps incorporate into your every day life.

7 Compassion Practices

Morning ritual. Greet each morning with a ritual. Try this one, suggest by the Dalai Lama: “Today I am fortunate to have woken up, I am alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others, to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings, I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others, I am going to benefit others as much as I can.” Then, when you’ve done this, try one of the practices below.
Empathy Practice. The first step in cultivating compassion is to develop empathy for your fellow human beings. Many of us believe that we have empathy, and on some level nearly all of us do. But many times we are centered on ourselves (I’m no exception) and we let our sense of empathy get rusty. Try this practice: Imagine that a loved one is suffering. Something terrible has happened to him or her. Now try to imagine the pain they are going through. Imagine the suffering in as much detail as possible. After doing this practice for a couple of weeks, you should try moving on to imagining the suffering of others you know, not just those who are close to you.
Commonalities practice. Instead of recognizing the differences between yourself and others, try to recognize what you have in common. At the root of it all, we are all human beings. We need food, and shelter, and love. We crave attention, and recognition, and affection, and above all, happiness. Reflect on these commonalities you have with every other human being, and ignore the differences. One of my favorite exercises comes from a great article from Ode Magazine — it’s a five-step exercise to try when you meet friends and strangers. Do it discreetly and try to do all the steps with the same person. With your attention geared to the other person, tell yourself:
1. Step 1: “Just like me, this person is seeking happiness in his/her life.”
2. Step 2: “Just like me, this person is trying to avoid suffering in his/her life.”
3. Step 3: “Just like me, this person has known sadness, loneliness and despair.”
4. Step 4: “Just like me, this person is seeking to fill his/her needs.”
5. Step 5: “Just like me, this person is learning about life.”
Relief of suffering practice. Once you can empathize with another person, and understand his humanity and suffering, the next step is to want that person to be free from suffering. This is the heart of compassion — actually the definition of it. Try this exercise: Imagine the suffering of a human being you’ve met recently. Now imagine that you are the one going through that suffering. Reflect on how much you would like that suffering to end. Reflect on how happy you would be if another human being desired your suffering to end, and acted upon it. Open your heart to that human being and if you feel even a little that you’d want their suffering to end, reflect on that feeling. That’s the feeling that you want to develop. With constant practice, that feeling can be grown and nurtured.
Act of kindness practice. Now that you’ve gotten good at the 4th practice, take the exercise a step further. Imagine again the suffering of someone you know or met recently. Imagine again that you are that person, and are going through that suffering. Now imagine that another human being would like your suffering to end — perhaps your mother or another loved one. What would you like for that person to do to end your suffering? Now reverse roles: you are the person who desires for the other person’s suffering to end. Imagine that you do something to help ease the suffering, or end it completely. Once you get good at this stage, practice doing something small each day to help end the suffering of others, even in a tiny way. Even a smile, or a kind word, or doing an errand or chore, or just talking about a problem with another person. Practice doing something kind to help ease the suffering of others. When you are good at this, find a way to make it a daily practice, and eventually a throughout-the-day practice.
Those who mistreat us practice. The final stage in these compassion practices is to not only want to ease the suffering of those we love and meet, but even those who mistreat us. When we encounter someone who mistreats us, instead of acting in anger, withdraw. Later, when you are calm and more detached, reflect on that person who mistreated you. Try to imagine the background of that person. Try to imagine what that person was taught as a child. Try to imagine the day or week that person was going through, and what kind of bad things had happened to that person. Try to imagine the mood and state of mind that person was in — the suffering that person must have been going through to mistreat you that way. And understand that their action was not about you, but about what they were going through. Now think some more about the suffering of that poor person, and see if you can imagine trying to stop the suffering of that person. And then reflect that if you mistreated someone, and they acted with kindness and compassion toward you, whether that would make you less likely to mistreat that person the next time, and more likely to be kind to that person. Once you have mastered this practice of reflection, try acting with compassion and understanding the next time a person treats you. Do it in little doses, until you are good at it. Practice makes perfect.
Evening routine. I highly recommend that you take a few minutes before you go to bed to reflect upon your day. Think about the people you met and talked to, and how you treated each other. Think about your goal that you stated this morning, to act with compassion towards others. How well did you do? What could you do better? What did you learn from your experiences today? And if you have time, try one of the above practices and exercises.

These compassionate practices can be done anywhere, any time. At work, at home, on the road, while traveling, while at a store, while at the home of a friend or family member. By sandwiching your day with a morning and evening ritual, you can frame your day properly, in an attitude of trying to practice compassion and develop it within yourself. And with practice, you can begin to do it throughout the day, and throughout your lifetime.

This, above all, with bring happiness to your life and to those around you.

Do you have experience in practicing compassion? Share your thoughts and ideas in the comments.

If you liked this article, please bookmark it in del.icio.us. Thanks!

A Guide to Cultivating Compassion in Your Life, With 7 Practices

“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” - Dalai Lama

“My message is the practice of compassion, love and kindness. These things are very useful in our daily life, and also for the whole of human society these practices can be very important.” - Dalai Lama

The key to developing compassion in your life is to make it a daily practice.

Definition
Let’s use the Wikipedia definition of Compassion:

Compassion is an emotion that is a sense of shared suffering, most often combined with a desire to alleviate or reduce the suffering of another; to show special kindness to those who suffer. Compassion essentially arises through empathy, and is often characterized through actions, wherein a person acting with compassion will seek to aid those they feel compassionate for.

Compassionate acts are generally considered those which take into account the suffering of others and attempt to alleviate that suffering as if it were one’s own. In this sense, the various forms of the Golden Rule are clearly based on the concept of compassion.

Compassion differs from other forms of helpful or humane behavior in that its focus is primarily on the alleviation of suffering.

How do we do that? This guide contains 7 different practices that you can try out and perhaps incorporate into your every day life.

7 Compassion Practices

Morning ritual. Greet each morning with a ritual. Try this one, suggest by the Dalai Lama: “Today I am fortunate to have woken up, I am alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others, to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings, I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others, I am going to benefit others as much as I can.” Then, when you’ve done this, try one of the practices below.
Empathy Practice. The first step in cultivating compassion is to develop empathy for your fellow human beings. Many of us believe that we have empathy, and on some level nearly all of us do. But many times we are centered on ourselves (I’m no exception) and we let our sense of empathy get rusty. Try this practice: Imagine that a loved one is suffering. Something terrible has happened to him or her. Now try to imagine the pain they are going through. Imagine the suffering in as much detail as possible. After doing this practice for a couple of weeks, you should try moving on to imagining the suffering of others you know, not just those who are close to you.
Commonalities practice. Instead of recognizing the differences between yourself and others, try to recognize what you have in common. At the root of it all, we are all human beings. We need food, and shelter, and love. We crave attention, and recognition, and affection, and above all, happiness. Reflect on these commonalities you have with every other human being, and ignore the differences. One of my favorite exercises comes from a great article from Ode Magazine — it’s a five-step exercise to try when you meet friends and strangers. Do it discreetly and try to do all the steps with the same person. With your attention geared to the other person, tell yourself:
1. Step 1: “Just like me, this person is seeking happiness in his/her life.”
2. Step 2: “Just like me, this person is trying to avoid suffering in his/her life.”
3. Step 3: “Just like me, this person has known sadness, loneliness and despair.”
4. Step 4: “Just like me, this person is seeking to fill his/her needs.”
5. Step 5: “Just like me, this person is learning about life.”
Relief of suffering practice. Once you can empathize with another person, and understand his humanity and suffering, the next step is to want that person to be free from suffering. This is the heart of compassion — actually the definition of it. Try this exercise: Imagine the suffering of a human being you’ve met recently. Now imagine that you are the one going through that suffering. Reflect on how much you would like that suffering to end. Reflect on how happy you would be if another human being desired your suffering to end, and acted upon it. Open your heart to that human being and if you feel even a little that you’d want their suffering to end, reflect on that feeling. That’s the feeling that you want to develop. With constant practice, that feeling can be grown and nurtured.
Act of kindness practice. Now that you’ve gotten good at the 4th practice, take the exercise a step further. Imagine again the suffering of someone you know or met recently. Imagine again that you are that person, and are going through that suffering. Now imagine that another human being would like your suffering to end — perhaps your mother or another loved one. What would you like for that person to do to end your suffering? Now reverse roles: you are the person who desires for the other person’s suffering to end. Imagine that you do something to help ease the suffering, or end it completely. Once you get good at this stage, practice doing something small each day to help end the suffering of others, even in a tiny way. Even a smile, or a kind word, or doing an errand or chore, or just talking about a problem with another person. Practice doing something kind to help ease the suffering of others. When you are good at this, find a way to make it a daily practice, and eventually a throughout-the-day practice.
Those who mistreat us practice. The final stage in these compassion practices is to not only want to ease the suffering of those we love and meet, but even those who mistreat us. When we encounter someone who mistreats us, instead of acting in anger, withdraw. Later, when you are calm and more detached, reflect on that person who mistreated you. Try to imagine the background of that person. Try to imagine what that person was taught as a child. Try to imagine the day or week that person was going through, and what kind of bad things had happened to that person. Try to imagine the mood and state of mind that person was in — the suffering that person must have been going through to mistreat you that way. And understand that their action was not about you, but about what they were going through. Now think some more about the suffering of that poor person, and see if you can imagine trying to stop the suffering of that person. And then reflect that if you mistreated someone, and they acted with kindness and compassion toward you, whether that would make you less likely to mistreat that person the next time, and more likely to be kind to that person. Once you have mastered this practice of reflection, try acting with compassion and understanding the next time a person treats you. Do it in little doses, until you are good at it. Practice makes perfect.
Evening routine. I highly recommend that you take a few minutes before you go to bed to reflect upon your day. Think about the people you met and talked to, and how you treated each other. Think about your goal that you stated this morning, to act with compassion towards others. How well did you do? What could you do better? What did you learn from your experiences today? And if you have time, try one of the above practices and exercises.

This, above all, with bring happiness to your life and to those around you.

Do you have experience in practicing compassion? Share your thoughts and ideas in the comments.

If you liked this article, please bookmark it in del.icio.us. Thanks!

Posted on 4 June 2007 in Happiness |
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Comments (35)

Michele Says:

June 4th, 2007, 7:04 am

As I read your morning blog I reflected on what I was reading the night before…Seven Point Mind Training…Tonglen, Sending and Taking

I thought the 7 points would be a great read as well..I was wondering if you were familiar with this

Thanks again though for this great morning read

Leo Says:

June 4th, 2007, 7:09 am

Hi Michele … thanks for the comment and question. Actually, I’m not familiar with this … is it a Buddhist concept? Truthfully, I am not a Buddhist, although I have read up on Buddhism from time to time.

Michele Says:

June 4th, 2007, 7:24 am

I believe it is but I am not a Buddhist either…I am reading a great book and this concept reminded me of your blog especially this mornings….

There is a site longjongmindtraining.com I thought would be a good read for you as well

Being truthful, treating others as we would want to be treated…I think this is universal.

Let me know what you think. I thought it might be a good read to share.

Your blog always gives some great advice…I enjoy reading them during my early rising

Rhett Laubach Says:

June 4th, 2007, 10:26 am

The Commonalities Practices section alone makes this a re-readable post. Thanks, Leo…

AgentSully Says:

June 4th, 2007, 10:56 am

This is brilliant Leo. Great reference. Delish’d and Dugg. Really doing this is so beneficial!

Tom Says:

June 4th, 2007, 12:59 pm

Great post, Leo. It is amazing to me how compassion works even when you are in the middle of really difficult times, when you feel like the world is against you. Somehow stretching your heart to have compassion for others lessens the effectiveness of the arrows they are seemingly slinging at you. It seems so counter-intuitive, but of course, most spiritual practice is. Anyway, thanks for the reminder today!

Hummus guy Says:

June 4th, 2007, 16:18 pm

Thank you for this post, It came in a good time for me.

Tal.

Philippe Says:

June 4th, 2007, 18:26 pm

I read some.
Stopped.
Practiced.
My eyes filled with water. Emotion rising means a tide is lifting my soul.
This is changing me. I am changing me through your words. Priceless. Thank you. Merci.

karenlim Says:

June 4th, 2007, 19:18 pm

thank you for such an awesome post.

this post reminds me a lot on how being thankful /grateful for the little things in my life changed my relationship with my hubby
http://secretofunlimitedprosperity.com/45/i-hate-my-relationship/

I thank for things that happen now, in the morning and it work
wonders in my life.

Paolo Says:

June 4th, 2007, 21:33 pm

I just found this blog, and, um….wow. I am genuinely stunned. Thanks for that.

Chloe Says:

June 5th, 2007, 3:05 am

Compassion is awesome.

The Dalai Lama, on the other hand - I’m not so sure. I don’t think he can truthfully say that he’s always practised compassion.

Balfour Says:

June 5th, 2007, 6:31 am

I was looking for that site that Michele mentioned and found it here: http://lojongmindtraining.com/

Thanks for a great post Leo. I recently started trying to read something everyday on buddhism/spiritual practice/whatever I’m going to end up calling it, and this was my read for today, which I’m saving to delicious.

Balfour Says:

June 5th, 2007, 6:36 am

One of my favorite quotes is from the Dalai Lama: “My true religion is kindness.”

For years, I used to keep that quote in the front of my paper calendar when I used one and I just now set it up in memotome.com as a periodic reminder. It’s a wake up call every time I see those words.

Travis Says:

June 5th, 2007, 13:09 pm

Thanks for the awesome post Leo! Again, you rock!

For Chloe above - No one can say they have always practice compassion. That’s why it is called a practice. Being born human means being born into a world of foibles. To deny our past is useless, to practice being better than it is to wake up to the joy of the world as it is.

Leonidas Says:

June 5th, 2007, 17:43 pm

Compassion is overrated. EVERYONE for THEMSELVES dummies.

Chloe Says:

June 5th, 2007, 19:40 pm

Travis, I wrote a long post in response to your comment but I decided it was inappropriate for this forum. I do agree with you, but I’ve just been reading a lot about Tibet’s rich history of violence, torture and serfdom, and it’s making me uncomfortable about the Dalai Lama’s position as the world’s poster boy for compassion and non-violence.

Leo, on the other hand, would make a super poster boy. :D

Leo Says:

June 5th, 2007, 23:39 pm

I don’t want to be a poster boy! :)

Lol.

Anyway, regarding the Dalai Lama … I think he admits that things were not as good in Tibet in the past, and that even his own position on the rights of women have changed over the years. However, I think we shouldn’t judge him on those points, as everyone makes mistakes — it is how we make up for the mistakes that count.

Today, the Dalai Lama is the foremost preacher for the human religion of compassion — and for that, I think he deserves credit. It is the one topic he talks about and writes about most, and because of him, thousands and thousands of people have given the topic some thought, and many of them have tried to become more compassionate in their own lives.

No, he’s not perfect, and he represents a feudal, medieval theocracy … but at the heart of it, he’s a human being, like the rest of us, and I think he’s a fairly decent one, on balance.

Just my two cents. :)

Chloe Says:

June 6th, 2007, 0:35 am

But Leo, if you were a poster boy, imagining all the Freelance Switch people who would fall over each other to design it!

Roger Says:

June 6th, 2007, 11:08 am

Great post. This has been submitted to the High Vibe It site -

http://www.highvibeit.com/Happiness/A_Guide_to_Cultivating_Compassion_in_Your_Life_With_7_Practices__zen_habits/

I would encourage all of your readers to vote for it there too so as to bring more viewers to this material!

Karen Says:

June 6th, 2007, 22:28 pm

Hi Leo,
Great post - one I’m going to print out and work on. Just finished reading an excellent book, Loving Kindness by Sharon Salzberg, which deals extensively with this issue. It’s full of exercises along the same lines, if anyone’s interested.
One question though - you mention some numbers about those who practice compassion producing more DHEA and less cortisol - would you mind sharing the source of that info? I’m intrigued by it and I’d like to follow up. Thanks!
Karen

Christine Says:

June 7th, 2007, 3:31 am

What a wonderfully specific, compressed guide to practice - thank you. This is a daily focus for me and a big part of not only lofty spiritual goals but also very practical avoidance of burnout! Thanks for the forum, the tips, the reminders. Namaste.

Christine Says:

June 7th, 2007, 3:33 am

ps: the buddhist nun, Pema Chodron, first popularized lojong practice. She’s so wonderous to listen to via dharma talks on CD.

Eileen Says:

June 15th, 2007, 23:39 pm

This was a beautiful piece. I try to be a compassionate person, but have someone close to me who seems to be unable to show any at all no matter what the circumstance.

I hope that deep down this person is able someday to show true feelings, but fear that their career in law enforcement has hardened them to the point of intolerance of others.

sohan chandel Says:

November 24th, 2007, 4:45 am

simply great. it is only through compassion that we can save the mother earh from being childless. compassion is a journey of happiness which starts from I anwd ends at WE.

Satyajit Says:

December 2nd, 2007, 3:50 am

Great post..I have been reading and practicing a lot of what Buddha said: About the impermanency of objects and people and relationships and i have been practicing kindness. This post filled tears in my eyes, I realised I still have a long way to go, thanks,
in true light,
Satya

NShe Says:

December 5th, 2007, 16:41 pm

I find tranquility in any teaching that is about compassionate. I practise every day and I feel great.

ceb Says:

December 19th, 2007, 20:55 pm

Beautiful, pure, truth.

Thankyou

Eugene (Editor, Varsity Blah) Says:

December 29th, 2007, 2:02 am

Very true. It’s amazing how easy it is to get caught up in your own world and become completely oblivious to other people. A little reminder that we’re all the same is always healthy!

Debbie Says:

January 25th, 2008, 22:15 pm

If you appreciated these 7 steps and the words of the Dalai Lama, you should look into the Bahai Faith. After finding the Bahai Faith so much about living this life and what comes after makes so much sense. If you’re a seeker of truth, please feel free to find it:
http://www.bahai.us/

Peace.

The incomparable Friend saith: The path to freedom hath been outstretched; hasten ye thereunto. The wellspring of wisdom is overflowing; quaff ye therefrom. Say: O well-beloved ones! The tabernacle of unity hath been raised; regard ye not one another as strangers. Ye are the fruits of one tree, the leaves of one branch. Verily I say, whatsoever leadeth to the decline of ignorance and the increase of knowledge hath been, and will ever remain, approved in the sight of the Lord of creation. Say: O people! Walk ye neath the shadow of justice and truthfulness and seek ye shelter within the tabernacle of unity. -Bahá’u'lláh, from the Bahá’i Writings

Fairy Ring Says:

February 10th, 2008, 18:26 pm

I appreciate finding this blog entry, thank you.

With the number of comments re: I’m not a Buddhist, etc. I am prompted to recommed the book Living Buddha, Living Christ.

God Speed

Finote Says:

February 27th, 2008, 22:54 pm

In the current material world, compassion is priceless. If we would take the time to exercize the basics.. we would really not have strife (that’s just my opinion) Spread the seeds… the tree will grow.

TerrahDawn Says:

February 28th, 2008, 5:10 am

Interesting… I have used a small portion of this above to help with my blog post today. I do agree with the content written here - yet I have questions…. the reason for my research for my blog. My researching is how I found this post.

What would you do if you witnessed a man chasing a woman with a knife? Would watch to see if he killed her?
Would you go inside and call the police? Would you go a step further and try to stop him? Would you risk harm done to yourself to save another? What if it was your wife,
sister or daughter that the man was chasing? Would this influence your decision to take further action?

I have heard others say they care for others…. but would only go as far as to call the police for help in the above scenario - but if it was someone they cared about, then they would try to stop the man from hurting or killing them. Why is there a difference for the woman you don’t know and the woman you are close to?

It is sad to say that there is so many people that don’t care for their fellow man.

I have enjoyed this post!

quotesqueen Says:

March 15th, 2008, 10:01 am

I love the words of Thich Nhat Hanh: “We vow to bring joy to one person in the morning, and to ease the pain of one person in the afternoon. We know that the happiness of others is indeed our own happiness, and we vow to practice joy on the path of service. We know that every word, every look, every smile can bring happiness to another person. We know that if we practice wholeheartedly, then we ourselves may become an inexhaustible source of peace and joy for our clients, our customers, our coworkers, our family, and our friends.”

randomguru Says:

April 12th, 2008, 12:05 pm

Great post on Compassion… and considering the recent events happening in Tibet, more people in this world need to reflect on Compassion.

Btw, those quotes are my most favorite quotes of His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama.

Here’s hoping for an independent Tibet… Free Tibet!

John Calnan Says:

April 14th, 2008, 12:33 pm

Congratulations on having this article published in the materials handed out during the Dalai Lama’s visit to Seattle for the Seeds of Compassion conference. This is how I learned of this blog, which I will now follow with great interest.