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A Simple Method to Avoid Being Judgmental (yes, that means you!)

“Be curious, not judgmental.” - Walt Whitman
“I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.” - anonymous

We are all judgmental. Yes, even you. I certainly am, many times. I think it’s human nature.

And yet, while it is in our nature to be judgmental, I don’t think it’s always useful to us. We look down on others, as if we are so much better … and that creates division between people.

Think about it for a second: we see someone, and based on their looks or actions, we pass judgment on them. Not good judgment, either. Usually without even knowing the person. And that’s it — that’s usually the extent of our interaction with that person. We don’t make an effort to get to know the person, or understand them, or see whether our judgment was right or not.

And let’s consider what happens when we pass judgment on people we do know. We see something they do, and get angry at it, or disappointed in the person, or think worse of them. We judge, without understanding. And that’s the end of it — we don’t try to find out more, and through communication begin to understand, and through understanding begin to build a bridge between two human beings.

Can you build a bridge with every single person you meet? Probably not. That takes time and effort, two things we’re usually short on anyways. But I’ve found that taking that extra time, even just once a day, can make a huge difference.

Avoid passing judgment and instead build a bridge between two human beings.

If you’re interested in that, let’s take a look at one method I’ve been using. I call it the “DUAL” method. I know, acronyms for methods are corny, but so what? :) This method is corny already, but sometimes corny is a good thing.

Here’s the DUAL method:

Don’t pass judgment. If you find yourself being judgmental, stop yourself. This takes a greater awareness than we usually have, so the first step (and an important one) is to observe your thoughts for a few days, trying to notice when you’re being judgmental. This can be a difficult step. Remind yourself to observe.

Once you’re more aware, you can then stop yourself when you feel yourself being judgmental. Then move to the next step.

Understand. Instead of judging someone for what he’s done or how he looks, try instead to understand the person. Put yourself in their shoes. Try to imagine their background. If possible, talk to them. Find out their backstory. Everyone has one. If not, try to imagine the circumstances that might have led to the person acting or looking like they do.

Accept. Once you begin to understand, or at least think you kind of understand, try to accept. Accept that person for who he is, without trying to change him. Accept that he will act the way he does, without wanting him to change. The world is what it is, and as much as you try, you can only change a little bit of it. It will continue to be as it is long after you’re gone. Accept that, because otherwise, you’re in for a world of frustration.

Love. Once you’ve accepted someone for who he is, try to love him. Even if you don’t know him. Even if you’ve hated him in the past. Love him as a brother, or love her as a sister, no matter who they are, old or young, light skinned or dark, male or female, rich or poor.

What good will loving someone do? Your love will likely only be limited. But it could have an affect on two people: yourself, and possibly on the person you’ve found love for. Loving others will serve to make yourself happier. Trust me on this one. And loving others can change the lives of others, if you choose to express that love and take action on it. I can’t guarantee what will happen, but it can be life-changing.

See also:

Brilliant comments (27)

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Gill Lancaster Says:

October 18th, 2007, 8:21 am

One of the best books I’ve ever read on avoiding the judgmental habit is Are you ready to succeed? by Srikumar Rao. I would highly encourage it to anyone wanting a new perspective on life.

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Jan Says:

October 18th, 2007, 8:35 am

Thank you for this excellent post — posts like these are exactly why I read zen habits.

Loving someone can be pretty difficult. For me, sometimes it’s easiest to start with finding one (just one) tiny thing that I love about the person. It can be as superficial as “I have a lot of difficulty with this person, but she has a really beautiful smile.” And then that can turn into “when she smiles, she looks genuinely happy.” Over time, that can turn into “I love that she can be so genuine.” All of a sudden I’ve moved from appreciating something superficial about someone to loving a deep, personal characteristic, and that’s made it easier for me to accept her.

(This exact sequence happened to me recently with someone, so I thought I would share it.)

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SpiKe Says:

October 18th, 2007, 8:38 am

I take the attitude that being judgmental is just human nature. I don’t beat myself up for making a snap judgment of someone, I just don’t let it affect my behavior or attitude to that person. At the end of the day everything is just your personal perspective anyway.
SpiKe
Organize IT

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Abhijit Says:

October 18th, 2007, 8:46 am

Awww come on…judging is fun!

judgement (n): The act or process of forming an opinion after consideration or deliberation.

A judgement formed on basis of reasonable deliberation might actually help in timely recognition and correction of problems. Being judgemental, though, ought to be coupled with grace. Accept it when you made a wrong judgement and learn from it.

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Pril Says:

October 18th, 2007, 8:46 am

Think i’m going to send this one to my other half!
He thinks his comments or “Opinions” are not judgemental and it is !
Thanks for the post!

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disconnect Says:

October 18th, 2007, 9:04 am

I used to think that 20% of all people were @ssholes, but as I grew older, I began to realize that every single person is an @sshole 20% of the time, INCLUDING ME. That realization made it a lot easier for me to let go of petty grievances, and at the same time catch myself when I’m starting to stray away from Mr. Nice Guy territory.

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Marco Raaphorst Says:

October 18th, 2007, 9:42 am

But judgments shouldn’t only be negative.

Might be my bad english, but I always feel that positive judgements does help. And pointing out something which is not right is good as well. In my opinion it’s about your motif behind the judgment.

But if you feel bad about something, why would you lie about it? I don’t think you should do that. Being judgemental is human and we make mistakes. We need to accept that. We need to accept we’re not perfect and we can not try to avoid making mistakes. Mistakes can be solved. Views and feelings will change over time, but in my opinion being honest about your own thought and feelings is great. It’s what I love about kids. That pureness. Totally not perfect and raw, but honest.

Stepping back from the moment is a good idea. But if you’re always doing this, you’re just trying to be perfect. In a way that’s not true to yourself I believe.

I love what disconnect says here. We’re not perfect and we need to except that. It’s all good: good and evil. Or black and white. They both need each other. An in real life you can play with that :)

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Chrissy (the E.A.) Says:

October 18th, 2007, 10:11 am

I too would like to agree with Disconnect…what a great realization! I learned about judgements recently and the end result that I came too is that we are all judgemental - the key is to simply recognize when you’re doing it, then let it go. Sounds a lot easier than it is.
Thanks for the great post! I like the “DUAL” concept a lot!!

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Jason Says:

October 18th, 2007, 10:44 am

Judgmental carries negative connotations, but being able to make snap judgments about people and situations is critical to our wellbeing and survival… like making a snap judgment that you want to avoid the guy with the gun in his hand, or that you should avoid people who look a certain way in a certain part of town.

It only becomes a negative when you make those snap judgments stick with an individual… in other words, when you assume that you were correct and keep the judgment, not being open to evidence otherwise should circumstances change (ie you find out that the guy with the gun in his hand was a cop, or defending himself).

Oh, and you should always consider what people you know do in light of the rest of what you know about them and what else they’ve done.

PS - I like your system… I may be biased, though, because that’s what comes naturally to me.

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Elaine Says:

October 18th, 2007, 11:46 am

Excellent system, it’s something that all of us would do well to remember more often.

However, parts of it can seem a little condescending. The “Understand” part for example - to me, it almost implies that if someone looks different, that something must have happened to them, possibly a negative experience. And sometimes that’s accurate - for example, a person judging a bum for looking disheveled might do well to understand how he became homeless. However, I’ll give you an example of another situation. I have a few facial piercings, and the holes in my earlobes are half an inch in diameter. People have judged me negatively on that basis. But to say “try to imagine the circumstances that led her to look like that” doesn’t apply here. There weren’t any, I just personally like how it looks. If someone were to say “oh, did you have a bad home life or something growing up?” then I would feel really patronized.

Sometimes, people are just different, and it doesn’t matter why.

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Rahul Says:

October 18th, 2007, 12:36 pm

Deepak Chopra also discusses this in his book “The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success.” He talks about how judgment causes turbulence in our internal dialogue, and causes us to lose touch with our Self.

I firmly believe this is true, and the tips you’ve given here are great to help people stop causing this turbulence. Thanks!

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Michael MacFarland Says:

October 18th, 2007, 13:35 pm

Found your blog on the recommendation of a friend, and I’m happy to say she was not wrong.

In regard to this entry, just yesterday from a distance while taking a walk we saw an “odd” person coming down their driveway. I say odd only because, yes, judgment clouded my vision and drew a mind picture for me based on the walk, etc., of that individual. When we came abreast of this person’s mailbox, and after greeting her very cute little dog, we struck up a conversation. While I may never see this person again (she was visiting), those three or four minutes were enjoyable - and just went to prove that one’s first “impression” is not always accurate.

Enjoyed myself and I will be back.

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Jean Says:

October 18th, 2007, 13:42 pm

Good article - thanks!
I instantly dislike/negatively judge any motor vehicle driver who doesn’t use their signal when changes lanes - I feel they’re arrogant and careless. And yes, even though I employ signals as a driver, I too can be “arrogant and careless” in other ways, if only in my thoughts. From the articles and comments, I realize the critical next step of “letting go” of these judgements - get angry, feel the feeling and move on.

Jean

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Ravi Vora Says:

October 18th, 2007, 13:49 pm

Sometimes people feel judged so they judge in return, or judge in advance to save themselves.

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Jason Says:

October 18th, 2007, 14:20 pm

A lot of people judge in advance in order to remove any risk of harm… while judging to avoid risk is, like many things, good in moderation, it can take away much of the potential enjoyment of life when taken to the extreme.

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martha in mobile Says:

October 18th, 2007, 19:59 pm

One of the best lessons I ever learned was to notice when I was being judgemental of someone and ask myself “What are you afraid of?” Almost always, there was an underlying fear — of not being “good enough” in comparison to that person, or of being a little physically afraid — that led me to be judgemental and harsh in my thoughts.

Asking myself that question has freed me up a lot.

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Dave Willison Says:

October 18th, 2007, 22:08 pm

Jean: I’m in the same boat (car?). I judge other drivers often and it creates disrespect on the road. I’m more aware of my thoughts and feelings now, so it’s easier to catch myself out.

My being judgemental usually leaves me looking like a hyprocrite, so its in my best interest.

I enjoyed this post, thanks!

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Shelvia Says:

October 18th, 2007, 22:20 pm

Thanks for such an excellent post!
Definitely will link to this post from my blog today!!!

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Harryo Says:

October 19th, 2007, 14:05 pm

This is a good post and got me thinking … I am judgemental. No, not about people that wear there baseball hat backwards or have body piercings or other superficial characteristics. I am judgemental about inappropriate actions and language, violators of laws or generally accepted moral values … people and things that coarsen or erode the quality of life. Sometimes it’s “hating the sin, not the sinner”, but other times it’s definitely hating the sinner.
I used to be in the non-judgemental camp until I realized that shrugging my shoulders when something disturbed me was a passive way of not having an opinion.
So, I think being judgemental can be of value in the appropriate context … the “big stuff” and don’t sweat the rest. What’s the “big stuff”? That’s for you to decide. Use your judgement.

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Tony Says:

October 19th, 2007, 14:07 pm

Ahh…judgement. The word that wars and genocide are built upon!

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Steve Says:

October 21st, 2007, 16:22 pm

I like Abhijit’s thought to define judgment. For the purpose of relationships, however, maybe a better definition is presuming to know the motives of another. (I forget where I got it; sorry for not giving a citation.) Do others find it accurate?

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Em Says:

October 22nd, 2007, 1:03 am

As humans we cannot help but be judgmental, it is part of our safety system, but we can put an end to obsessing about the behavior of others. I live in a developing country where things are often not as I would wish (for example: police cars going down a one-way street in the wrong direction). What I have found especially helpful is the advice I overheard my SIL telling her son when he was pointing out that my daughter was eating with her fingers– while he was talking with a mouth full of salmon: Don’t worry about other peoples’ behavior; worry about your own.

Accept that as humans we are flawed. Very flawed. And that most likely the answer to “why did you do that,” is only: “It seemed like a good idea at the time.” It is better to accept this and enjoy the show!!

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Char Says:

October 22nd, 2007, 6:31 am

I used to not be judgmental. I wanted to like and trust everyone. Now I know better. I got hurt, a lot, all for being too trusting and accepting. In no offense, I find this post a bit naive. You can’t love everyone. The best thing most people can hope for is to try not to stereotype. But I think broad generalization is a good thing. It helps protect you. If you open yourself up too much and become too trusting, you’re just bound to get yourself into compromising positions or even into danger.

Also, I always strive to improve myself and can’t comprehend anyone not wanting to do so. It baffles my mind that other people wouldn’t want to be and do better than they already are. No one is perfect, but everyone could be better. I don’t want to change people, but I’m not going to accept them for the way they are. If anything, I hope my critic of the person will make them stop and think- “why does she think this way about me- maybe I can be better?”

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Eugene (Editor, Varsity Blah) Says:

October 22nd, 2007, 14:07 pm

This is very similar to what Dale Carnegie meant in “How to Win Friends and Influence People” when he said that nobody ever kicks a “dead dog” because unjust criticism is often a disguised compliment. Why else would they bother to say anything?

(http://www.amazon.com/dp/0671027034/?tag=varsblah-20)

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Andy Says:

November 8th, 2007, 18:42 pm

Question…

I really like your acceptance approach but I need some help. I have always avoided arrogant or semi popular people. My friend told me I am righteous and in a way maybe I am and I don’t know it. I am just afraid of getting hurt so for all of my life I just keep to people who are sure bets. I think it prevents me from making friends with people of walks of life. I want to widen my circle.

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Leo Says:

November 8th, 2007, 18:53 pm

Hi Andy … great question. I’m not sure I’m the best qualified to answer, but I’m going to give it a shot … please remember that I’m just a regular guy, not an expert.

You’re absolutely right about the fear of hurt and rejection being at the root of why we don’t communicate in an open and honest way to others, or open ourselves up to new friends.

But how to deal with that? For myself, it’s been a matter of gaining confidence, a little at a time … confidence not only in myself, but in my ability to deal with others, and in my ability to open up to them without getting hurt.

How do you gain that confidence? By trying things out, by practicing, a little at a time. Take very small baby steps. Try smiling at someone and saying hi. Try starting a conversation with someone you know but don’t talk to much. Try catching your judgmental thoughts and trying to understand the arrogant or semi-popular person instead. Little steps, no more than you can handle, and you’ll slowly gain confidence. Don’t expect to change overnight, but celebrate any little success.

Good luck!

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paul Says:

April 26th, 2008, 21:44 pm

I think in some ways we all need to judge others, i mean to find out what may not be okay for oneself. But to malicously judge someone based soley on an action or perception we may not agree with is not spiritual. We all have the right to be right or wrong and the right to be heard .

Relationships are meant to be enriched not destroyed based on one persons disdain for another way of life or opinion. Pursuing life not grafting new ideas and learning from everyone is not living at all.

My purpose in life is to learn not to judge and inventory others due to my lack of acceptance of any given situation.
To treat all things, people and situations as learning experiences instead of threats to my way of life.

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