10 Tips for Life’s Greatest Challenge: Love Thy Enemy

Kate Says:

February 13th, 2008, 21:58 pm

Thanks for this, Leo. Here’s another quote for you, from Martin Luther King, which sprang out at me from someone’s email signature today: “Nonviolence means avoiding not only external physical violence but also internal violence of spirit. You not only refuse to shoot a man, but you refuse to hate him.”

[disclaimer: I am ever-working on these small daily violences, as I drive a car in Atlanta. :) ]

Israel Says:

February 13th, 2008, 22:06 pm

it’s very hard for me to do this, since I feel to faced. But I have in the past.

Thomas Says:

February 13th, 2008, 22:06 pm

The enemy only exists as a projection of something a person does not see in them self. You can call it a shadow or a ‘part’ that the person denies. Because of that, it is projected into the outside. And from the outside we then have the possibility to experience it.

If we are aware that we have created that enemy in the first place we can go back to the state where it initially happened. From there we simply can take responsibility of that part and the enemy usually starts to disintegrate, dissappear or evaporate into thin air.

Cheers

Thomas Herold
CEO Dream Manifesto

Satya Says:

February 13th, 2008, 22:09 pm

Leo, you rock!

Thanks for taking the time to write such an inspiring and thoughtful piece on love in time for valentine’s…truly the greatest love and compassion we can cultivate is for ourselves - our true self, which exists as divine love in essence, actually, and is united with the souls of all people and all that is…

Gandhi would approve!

banji - LessonInLife.com Says:

February 13th, 2008, 22:39 pm

It really is life’s greatest challenge to love he enemy instead of hating them. Even when I read this, the one person I hate the most comes to mind, and the mood easily swing from happy to being annoyed :)

After all we are just human right?

Another tips if I may add, is to always yearn to become the bigger man/woman.. The feeling of becoming more than just your average human is satisfying enough.

dokidok Says:

February 13th, 2008, 22:58 pm

So far, the history shows that “destroy your enemy’ is the better strategy. You can’t change somebody who is already unchangeable.

steve Says:

February 13th, 2008, 23:57 pm

i think the main reason that we should forgive our enemies is because we have been forgiven. the famous prayer that Jesus taught His disciples includes the phrase, “forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors”

the greatest reason to forgive our enemies is because we need to be forgiven.

Jerome Says:

February 14th, 2008, 0:15 am

You are right that love our enemy would make our life happier. By living in revengeful, we will lost our peace. I read also that having revengeful in our heart will also bring many kind of disease to our body, even cancer…I don’t know this true or not. But, loosing my peace is quite annoying for me.

Rose Garden Says:

February 14th, 2008, 0:42 am

Another inspiring, thoughtful and very well written post. Peace, Leo…

Corey - Simple Marriage Project Says:

February 14th, 2008, 0:47 am

Forgiveness is the backbone of community. Even marriage. It is essential for any meaningful relationship. If one can not forgive, they can’t experience love. To fully be loved we must be accepted as we are, warts and all. If love is to be shared only with those who earn it by doing no wrong, we would have no one to love. We must forgive.

Jesus took it to another level by encouraging this forgiveness with our enemies. What a mountain to climb, but climbing it opens us to more love.

Great post Leo.

Ivan - www.blatternet.ch Says:

February 14th, 2008, 0:49 am

Wonderful! Thank you, Leo! It’s very hard to love my enemy, but for me it’s THE way to save the world. And everybody can do it in his own world! So I keep on trying and trying and trying.

Mel T Says:

February 14th, 2008, 0:58 am

Leo - I absolutely agree. Quite often people who treat us unkindly are those who have massive hang-ups with themselves, or a troubled past etc, therefore we should be thankful that we have the incite, circumstances, and love not to treat others in such a way, and try to reach out to them if possible.

Not always easy, but it’s a good aim to have in life!

Maura Says:

February 14th, 2008, 1:06 am

Just my usual negative self here… please be careful with #10, for those of you approaching “toxic” situations. Detachment is crucial for maintaining your balance in these relationships, particularly if the enmity has been mutual or very longstanding. There are times when radioactivity must be contained and neutralized before you approach, lest you be exposed to harmful doses. Take your time, be patient with the process.

(steve, you have a mixed message there… are you saying “do it because it’s been done for you,” or “do it because you need for it to be done for you…” which do you think it is??)

Forgiveness is ultimately a selfish pursuit… one that allows the self to heal. But any place is a much nicer place to be when it’s filled with emotionally whole people who radiate warmth and good will towards others.

Leo Says:

February 14th, 2008, 1:18 am

Very interesting thoughts, everyone. I love how everyone seems to have a different perspective on this.

@dokidok: Interesting comment. A couple of points:

1. You wrote: “So far, the history shows that “destroy your enemy’ is the better strategy.

That’s an interesting generalization. I wonder if you could give some examples, because my reading of history is different. Especially at the personal level (but also at the national/international level) … destroying an enemy might have some vindictive satisfaction, but it’s usually destructive to the community and to you. Every example I can think of would bear that out.

2. You also wrote: “You can’t change somebody who is already unchangeable.”

I’m wondering if you’re talking about yourself or your enemy. Because nowhere in my post do I advocate trying to change another person — I recommend trying to accept who they are. You might change their life for the better, but not them. However … can you change yourself? I think the answer is yes — through this process, of trying to forgive and even love your enemy, I believe you will transform yourself. I’ve only begun this process, but I believe it’s had positive effects on me.

Hannes Says:

February 14th, 2008, 1:27 am

Leo, this was one of the best posts I have read in a while. Great going.

… or the French… LOL I loved that bit.

Eugene (Editor, Varsity Blah) Says:

February 14th, 2008, 1:50 am

I really love the approach Dale Carnegie promotes, which is basically just to forgive and forget. Holding grudges and trying to get even only harms you.

Also, it makes sense to resolve whatever conflict you’re having as soon as it comes up. Most of the time it’s just a misunderstanding. I can’t tell you how often I’ve had tensions with other people all because we weren’t on the same page.

Blair Singer talks about it too: “Relationships break down due to ambiguous expectations or no common vision. The best way to avoid conflict is to make sure everyone is playing by the same rules, because in the absence of concrete rules, people make up their own.”

Bobby Says:

February 14th, 2008, 2:00 am

I read your blog most days but never really post a comment, but this post particularly struck me. I really like everything you had to say, but I think one thing should be added:
I think - if you read a little more in depth - Jesus, Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr., the Buddha, and many others who have urged us to “love thy enemy” used it as a tactic, not just a moral teaching. Jesus and Gandhi, in particular, taught that loving your enemy is probably the greatest tool to disarm that enemy. By loving your enemy, you are revoking their power to control your emotions and anger, essentially taking control of the relationship. By loving your enemy, you make their hatred for you appear foolish and irrational to the rest of the world, thereby effectively discrediting and usually disarming them.

Amir Ahmad | PassionBasedLearning.com Says:

February 14th, 2008, 2:58 am

Hi Leo,

I don’t believe there’s something wrong in having enemies. It’s okay to have enemies.

As a moderate Muslim for example, al-Qaeda and people like them are my enemies. In fact I am strongly in favor of their elimination. I staunchly oppose what they do. However I try not to hate them. If anything I pity them.

I do strongly agree with your implied main point, that it’s not okay to spend so much effort and energy hating an enemy. It’s pointless. Hating an enemy only affects you, not the enemy. You become constantly angry and bitter and the negative feelings eventually start consuming you from the inside. Been there.

So yes, basically I am in absolute agreement with you regarding the main point.

But you also mention the following above:

“That’s an interesting generalization. I wonder if you could give some examples, because my reading of history is different. Especially at the personal level (but also at the national/international level) … destroying an enemy might have some vindictive satisfaction, but it’s usually destructive to the community and to you. Every example I can think of would bear that out.”

I guess it depends. I’m not for violence. I think it should be the last, last option. However I do believe it should remain an option. A perfect example from history is the Nazis. The allied forces led by the United States defeated them and they did it by “destroying their enemy”.

… anyways, guess I better stop ranting now before I get carried away. :)

I hope you don’t misunderstand Leo. My intention isn’t to stir up controversy here or anything like that. I’m just being honest.

I respect you and admire what you’re doing with ZenHabits, but I guess I’m still trying to draw that line separating idealism and realism somewhere appropriate.

Cheers dude and have a good day. :)

Leo Sebastian Says:

February 14th, 2008, 3:02 am

Hey Leo

This post is simply amazing. You cant imagine how much it affects people who read you. Literally that was what happening to me for past few years..Thanks for pointing out. You really are a Zen Master…

Leo Sebastian

Paprikapink Says:

February 14th, 2008, 3:37 am

In the grand, theoretical view of the world, I wholeheartedly agree.

In real life, however, six years ago, a woman said she would watch a child. She didn’t. The child drowned. The woman denies responsibility — by asserting that it doesn’t even matter.

Every time life brings me the Forgiving Theory and the Love Thine Enemy notion, I come back to what happened, and I just can’t be that big. I just wish that that woman was very very dead and that child was not.

I am sorry to bring this up, because I want the world to be like you say. But for me, this experience is what the whole theory comes down to. Forgiving terrorists seems easier.

Fran Says:

February 14th, 2008, 4:57 am

This article has come just at the right time for me this week when someone has set out to harm me to cover up for their wrongdoing.

I don’t know how easy it would be for some people to carry out the exercises you mentioned but certainly by trying we can become closer to the ideal you set out in your post.

Mark Says:

February 14th, 2008, 5:14 am

“Love Thy Enemy” should be “Love Thine Enemy”.

Pixel Kid Says:

February 14th, 2008, 5:30 am

“Love Thy Enemy” should be “Love Thine Enemy”.

Actually ‘Thy’ means your, Thine means yours. Somehow ‘love yours enemy’ doesn’t sound right to me :p Just a thought.

Mark Says:

February 14th, 2008, 5:45 am

“Thine” is to “thy” as “an” is to “a”. Thine is used if the next word starts with a vowel-like sound.

Anyway, that’s off topic. :-)

Great post, Leo, on loving one’s enemies. Well worth the read!

Alex Ion Says:

February 14th, 2008, 7:00 am

Hi Leo,

These may not be the greatest challenges in life, but I loving the “enemy” could be scary. Not everyone has the guts to face their opponents and I guess this is why.

Superb article.

Pete W Says:

February 14th, 2008, 7:04 am

Hey there Leo,

Interesting post. Kind of bounces off some ideas I was talking about last week on CDL (namely “who are the enemy and how to deal with them”, “what drives a person to attack others” and “individual responsibility and owning your actions”)

It’s something I like a lot of people struggle with - the idea of not taking the easy route and responding in kind, but instead turning the other cheek. We live in a world that doesn’t encourage forgiveness, yet still thinks of it as a worthy virtue.

Weird, but true. Anyway, keep up the good work.

p.s., how’s it going with applying the various tips/ideas etc for working from home? Any chance of a follow up when you’ve had time to see what works etc?

Paul G. Says:

February 14th, 2008, 7:28 am

2500 years ago, the Chinese sage Lao-tzu wrote:

If a person seems wicked,
do not cast him away.
Awaken him with your words,
Elevate him with your deeds,
Repay his injury with kindness.
Do not cast him away,
Cast away his wickedness.

In other words, separate the deed from the person, and lead with compassion rather than hate. Good advice, even 2,500 years later…

t.z0n3 Says:

February 14th, 2008, 8:17 am

Long time reader, first time poster- this is a masterpiece. I wish I could write like this. I’ll certainly give this a try. ^^

Sam Says:

February 14th, 2008, 9:11 am

I find that punching my enemies releases a lot of negative energy and helps me feel positive about things again. Or if the enemy is someone in authority over me (e.g. a boss or whatever) the same sense of justice can be achieved through a single act of passive-aggression (such as appearing to accept their insults, then running a key down the side of their car as I leave work).

There! I feel better already!

Thanks Leo! Keep up the good work!

Barry Says:

February 14th, 2008, 9:13 am

This is great stuff…making a friend of an enemy, sometimes I have trouble with that. Most of the time, if I have an enemy, they are usually a person that has traits that none of my friends would have. If they are bullish or mean, and demean or emotionally assault others, I have no desire to be their friend. However, I might if they were to change, and show that change over time. If an older person sometimes can take control of a situation and show a younger person the outward appearance of how they are acting, it may spur such change. As an older guy, I see alot of younger guys publically acting afool, angry and full of themselves. I wish an older guy would have pointed it out to me when I was younger.

Jerse Says:

February 14th, 2008, 9:21 am

Loving your enemy may be possible in movies and books, but it’s not possible in real life - you will only set yourself up to be vulnerable and possibly hurt worse than if you just moved on.

Fuji Says:

February 14th, 2008, 9:24 am

Compassion is never wasted

Hans Says:

February 14th, 2008, 9:33 am

Maybe this is one of the most difficult things to realize! Nobody has to be perfect, but at least we can give it a try and do our best! Life is so short… I guess that when you’re on the edge of life, many things become clearer… and there is no more enemies… there is just humans in the same boat… with the same concerns!

I wish you the best!

skyz Says:

February 14th, 2008, 9:46 am

a vedanta yoga teacher once said something like ‘take your enemy to your heart as they will wash you like soap’ - an ‘enemy’ will point out your flaws which you can use to eradicate them - also as a vajrayana buddhist compassion is a matter of shining light on everyone and everything indiscriminately - if you find yourself discriminating against anyone then you know the ‘fault’ is within you and once again you can eradicate the flaw - thus your ‘enemies’ are in actuality your greatest teachers and therefore worthy of your reverence -

Mary Says:

February 14th, 2008, 9:56 am

My favorite thought when I am spending too much time thinking about someone I don’t like:

Don’t let them live rent free in your head.

Not quite the loving response you are advocating, but it is a start to letting go of hard feelings.

Enjoyed the post. Happy St. Valentines Day!

infonote Says:

February 14th, 2008, 10:12 am

Worthy of a Pope’s speech.
IMHO, You explained everything that Jesus meant by loving your enemy.

Nick Says:

February 14th, 2008, 10:22 am

I am generally known to be a generous and loving person, but I also believe that forgiveness must be earned. I don’t mean for things like hitting my car in a parking lot or other minor issues. There are some major sins against others that cannot be ignored, and undeservedly giving my love to people that commit such crimes is ridiculous. Bad people don’t change; they must be removed from your life.

Amy Says:

February 14th, 2008, 10:25 am

I’ve been reading your post for several months but this is my first comment.

I struggle with this particular issue. However, I do believe it is possible to love those you are not fond of in life. I’ve had issues with my mother-in-law since day one. Recently, I’ve been able to detach myself from the situation. I’m able to watch her interactions with her own mother and gain perspective into why she treats me the way she does. I am know able to treat her in a more compassionate, loving way. And I believe this change of heart has improved our relationship.

Thanks for all the great posts!

Sibling at a Distance Says:

February 14th, 2008, 11:04 am

The sentiment at the heart of this post is earnest and true. However, it is not always practical, and in some situations, is potentially unsafe.

During a period of immense stress (dying parent) my sibling threatened my spouse with violence. After this episode, my spouse and I suggested many times that we should all go to counseling to work things out. We volunteered to get on a plane, spending money out of our own pocket, and fly halfway across the country to do this.

My sibling refused then and continues to refuse mediated discussion. I would like to forgive, but if I do so, I may let my guard down and endanger my spouse. I would like to be reconciled, but my sibling is not willing to take steps that I believe are necessary to do so.

My sibling does not care for my well-being, and I (and others in similar situations) overlook this at their peril. I will not call my sibling an enemy, but my sibling is a threat, and until there is an effort to meet halfway, she will be treated as such.

Marc Says:

February 14th, 2008, 11:05 am

Leo’s post for the most part is some great advice and I hope it makes most of the readers think twice before treating someone as their enemy. However, Leo, what exactly did you mean by the comment:

“Your enemy” doesn’t just mean the enemy of your state, of course. We’re not talking about terrorists”

I take it to mean that terrorists are our enemies and that it is an exception to the rule that we should “love our enemies” because how could you love a terrorist. Perhaps you could explain more of what was meant, as I might not have understood correctly. Thanks.

One rant I have: We get fed the “Our parents and grandparents fought in various wars of the past century or so, so that our generation can live in peace” and we are supposed to put our war veterans on pedestals and hail them as heroes. I completely disagree with this attitude. We instead need to stop going back to the past and instead look at the present situations in the world and do something about them to make our lives more at peace. We have NOT learned from history (but we are constantly told about why we should remember the wars so that we don’t repeat history) - as far as I am concerned we (especially our governments) have not changed with respect to declaring who is their enemy and then fighting their enemies at all costs. Here in North America we have been programmed, so to speak, to hate the Germans (WWI and II, hate the Japanese (Pearl Harbour), hate the Russians (Cold War), hate the terrorists (9/11) and who know who else in the coming decades. If we do not have someone to fear or hate, it seems we are not complete people and the government doesn’t have control over us.

We really need to start treating everyone as if we are all One (and I strongly believe we are, after reading the Conversation with God trilogy). If we believe that we are all One we won’t kill each other, hurt each other emotionally, strive for success at the expense of others, ruin our environment, burn another country’s flag, fly airplanes into buildings, plant car bombs everywhere, hate our neighbours because they are poorer/richer/stranger than us. And yes, this means that even terrorists are part of the Oneness and there is a part of us in those terrorists and a part of them in us, which may not be very palatable to most (especially those that lost loved ones in 9/11).

As Wayne Dyer has said (and it is my most favourite quote): “Inner Peace creates World Peace”. So let there be peace on earth and let it begin with you. :)

Dot Hage Says:

February 14th, 2008, 11:09 am

Beautiful article! This is by far the most challenging issue I’ve seen on Zen Habits. For those who believe in a higher power, one way to take a step towards loving one’s enemies is to realize that the same God that created you created them. A different way might be to hate what they did, but pray for them to be turned into a better person who never does that thing again.

When you hold onto anger for many years, as a therapist once told me, it’s as if you have a chain around someone, but in that case, you are chained as much as they are.

Another thing I’ve found is that when I can finally get past the anger, it turns out to be protecting a lot of grief inside me that I didn’t want to feel. Getting that grief out is healilng. Long-term anger is not healing.

@PaprikaPink: My heart goes out to you for your loss. I do feel that some things are unforgivable. I don’t believe you have to love them or what they did. All you have to do is heal.

Dot Hage Says:

February 14th, 2008, 11:12 am

Beautiful article! This is by far the most challenging issue I’ve seen on Zen Habits. For those who believe in a higher power, one way to take a step towards loving one’s enemies is to realize that the same God that created you created them. A different way might be to hate what they did, but pray for them to be turned into a better person who never does that thing again.

When you hold onto anger for many years, as a therapist once told me, it’s as if you have a chain around someone, but in that case, you are chained as much as they are.

Another thing I’ve found is that when I can finally get past the anger, it turns out to be protecting a lot of grief inside me that I didn’t want to feel. Getting that grief out is healilng. Long-term anger is not healing.

@PaprikaPink: My heart goes out to you for your loss. I do feel that some things are unforgivable. I don’t believe you have to love them — that’s an optional step that some people choose to strive for. Surviving such a loss is hard enough. A Valentine’s Day salute to your courage in posting your experience.

Crystal, from www.jewelfaerie.com Says:

February 14th, 2008, 11:14 am

Hi Leo:

In some cases, I’m not quite up to “love” but I have grown to appreciate the lessons learned from my experience with an enemy. In fact, the largest, most challenging drama that occurred in my life taught me the biggest lessons and shaped who I am today; and I sincerely thank the person who caused me so much pain at the time because I love who I became :-) Still can’t say I love him though LOL.

~Crystal
http://www.jewelfaerie.com

99ppp Says:

February 14th, 2008, 11:24 am

Thoughtful and intriguing post (apart from the numbered list).

My approach instead of “loving my enemies” is to have no enemies. There are some people I don’t get along with, and the most loving thing we can do to one another is to give each other space. I don’t expect to get along with everyone, and that’s ok. In a crowded world with limited resources, that may become increasingly difficult and the potential for conflict may intensify. Acknowledging our common humanity is a good starting point:

Everybody loves somebody.

We all pee and poo. :)

etc.

Peace

99ppp Says:

February 14th, 2008, 11:30 am

@Marc: Good comment, I have the same annoyance at the constant glorification of WWII, heroes, “role models”, etc.

That’s the problem with labels, often used to dehumanize others. Perhaps discussing acts (verbs) rather than identity (nouns) will allow more to look deeper into what dynamics have become obstacles to harmonious living with others.

Melissa Says:

February 14th, 2008, 11:40 am

So when one is attempting to remove the negative influences out of their lives (in this case people) is it a matter of protection of self or it is a matter of not loving your enemy?

99ppp Says:

February 14th, 2008, 11:52 am

@Melissa: I find some distance can do wonders in some cases. Some people just don’t mix, and various attempts to find “common ground” may be an exercise in futility. Just acknowledging one another’s humanity may be the only thing that can be done.

S. Says:

February 14th, 2008, 11:53 am

First time commenter. You touched a nerve.

What if the enemies are your parents? At this point I do not like them or even love them(yes I dared to say it). What if as a result of how you were raised their actions continue to torment you, your siblings as well as themselves? My sister is undergoing brain surgery after stepping out of a moving vehicle as a result of alcohol abuse which I beleive was brought on in part by years of bad parenting. While it is true that she chose those ten drinks, I can trace her bad decisions back to her/our childhood. I can trace my own depression back to childhood. My youngest sister still hasn’t escaped our parents. Dad still drops by her house most recently over Christmas holidays to rant abusively at her about how he wants to divorce mom. He’s been threatening divorce for years and honestly I wish they both had the courage to go through with it. I’m 41, my sister in surgery is 39 and our younger sister is 36 and we still get sucked into the vortex of abuse that is/has been our family dynamic transporting us back to teenage years and making us miserable in the process. I moved as far away as is earthly possible yet still get sucked back in during phone conversations. I thought I had forgiven them, I used to think I loved them because that’s what you are supposed to say otherwise you are considered ungrateful but when I truly asked myself the question I can honestly say I do not love them. I wish them well on a purely humanitarian basis although I am not sure if they will ever be happy individuals. My animosity towards them stems most recently from my sister’s accident; it does eat away at me though and I know that it’s not good for my own well being. I used to be more loving but I guess the anger was still simmering below the surface. In spite of all of this I’m healthy, my husband loves me and so Iife is good except for this one aspect which continues to pick at my brain. I swear my parents would even be a challenge for Buddha.

Leo, you are a stonger soul than most.

99ppp Says:

February 14th, 2008, 12:08 pm

@S: “I wish them well on a purely humanitarian basis”. That’s the baseline of love I was speaking about. If you don’t feel any greater affinity anything more would be artifice.

I have the “little bird” theory on parenting. They eventually fly off and build their own nest. Unfortunately, some parents of adult offspring think they are entitled to meddle, intrude, and inconvinience their adult offspring

I don’t owe my parents anything as I didn’t ask to be brought to this world. I also hold no resentment, since they did the best they could and kept me alive till adulthood. Some adult offspring can also be intrusive to their parents, when their childraising was supposedly already done.

Becky Says:

February 14th, 2008, 12:09 pm

To all those people who are saying that loving an enemy gives them room to damage you more — there’s a big difference between loving someone and letting them come into your life and mess you up! Sometimes you need to get away from a person who’s hurting you. Move, get a restraining order, change your phone number!

In doing that, you can *still* love that person. Hatred and love are happening inside of you; and you can act on those feelings in various ways. You can get a restraining order in hatred, or you can get it in love. The difference is that when you get it in hatred, you are hurting yourself, magnifying the wrong the person has done to you, and putting more hatred out into the world. Don’t think this hatred won’t slop over onto other people whom you do love. If you hate your ex but love your children — this will hurt your children. Maybe you don’t see the damage today, but it’s happening nonetheless.

One tip that has helped my love my enemies is to pray for good things to come to them. This is very hard to do, but it is a good way to soften your heart towards others.

The people I know who hold onto grudges and hatred have hard, cold places in their hearts that eat away at their ability to be kind and loving toward themselves or anybody else. I believe that what we put out into the world comes back to us. Dwelling on how bad other people are who hurt me makes me feel angry and cold-hearted. When I feel angry and cold-hearted, I am capable of being mean and hurtful to others. Do I want that person who did something terrible to turn me into a jerk? Is that some kind of victory?

Another thing to remember is that it’s OK to be hurt, to be sad, to be angry. These “negative” emotions will open your heart and soften it, if you let them. Feeling these emotions completely can pave the way to being a kinder and more loving person, because it gives you empathy toward others.

We often become cold and vengeful as a way of avoiding the pain of feeling vulnerable and sad. But these vulnerable, sad feelings will pass if we do go ahead and open up to them. Dwelling, holding onto coldness and vengefulness, won’t change the painful past. It will only perpetuate that pain into the future.

But again, loving someone does *not* mean you have to let them hurt you! That’s not love; it’s abusing yourself. I believe the Buddhists call this type of behavior “idiot compassion.” It’s not real love and not real compassion. You have to act with love toward youself in order to sustain love towards others.

There are people who’ve hurt me whom I hope I never see, speak to, or hear from again. And, I have spent years practicing wishing them happiness. Sometimes I still want to punch them in the face, but less and less. Sometimes, instead, I feel a sudden affection for them - remember a happy time, miss their good qualities, hope they’re doing well. I believe this practice enriches my life. It’s not like I don’t need forgiveness too. Knowing firsthand both how hard it is to forgive, and how much peace forgiving has brought me, gives me hope that I, too, am forgiveable and forgiven.

Becky

Melody Madden Says:

February 14th, 2008, 12:21 pm

This is one of the most beautiful and inspiring pieces of writing I have ever read. Thank you for posting this. It does put things into perspective

martha in mobile Says:

February 14th, 2008, 13:17 pm

the best reason I have ever heard for letting go of resentment: “Resentment is like taking a dose of poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

the best reason I have ever heard for learning something positive from a bad relationship or event: “If you can’t learn something good from something bad, then your suffering will have been wasted and pointless. Don’t waste your suffering.”

I don’t seek to love my enemies, I don’t seek to forget their trespasses; I don’t expect others to love me or forget my trespasses. But I do seek to feel compassion, for them and for myself.

DermDoc Says:

February 14th, 2008, 13:23 pm

One of your better posts — bound for the front page of Digg. I am glad you included some how-to advice.

I think it is also worth noting that it doesn’t always work, but not to despair, there are other enemies around to try to love.

Patricia Omer Says:

February 14th, 2008, 13:23 pm

My mantra on this subject is “seek first to understand” . There is reason and purpose behind even the most heinous acts or behavior. When we understand, we then are much more able to forgive and disarm our enemy. I am a teacher and I often see that the bullies are the children who need the most compassion. It seems disgusting I know, butwhen you really look inside these children’s souls, you then seem someone who is in pain.

Edward Says:

February 14th, 2008, 13:28 pm

That is a very inspiring post Leo,

It brought up to mind, when Pope John Paul II was shot, and when he got better, he went to the prison of the assassin, and forgave him.

Clay Collins Says:

February 14th, 2008, 14:10 pm

Posts like these, my friend, make your blog great. While so many others are writing about how to find love, you’re writing about how to love your enemy. What a great thing.

~Clay
————————
http://TheGrowingLife.com

Leo Says:

February 14th, 2008, 14:34 pm

This is one of the most interesting comment threads we’ve had in a long time (and they’re all pretty interesting, so that’s saying a lot).

A few of you have brought up some stories that I don’t think I can address. All I have to say is that you’re proving a point for me: this is life’s greatest challenge. It is one of the hardest things you could ever do. For some, it’s an insurmountable challenge, or not even a goal worthy of consideration. I understand that.

I cannot imagine what it would be like to go through your situations. I cannot give you advice beyond the general advice I’ve given here. I only wish you the best, and hope you have the strength to find happiness in your life despite your tragedies.

Another point: should we protect ourselves or open ourselves to our enemy? Again, this is part of what makes this challenge so incredibly difficult. I cannot give you advice on your specific situations … but will say that protecting yourself is important … as long as doing so doesn’t destroy you or consume you. If you can find a way to reach out to your enemy, to find love in your heart, without hurting yourself … that would be the best balance. I wish I had better answers!

Ted Hunter (Cane, NH) Says:

February 14th, 2008, 14:38 pm

First-time commenter, here.

I can’t agree with the sentiment expressed here, and I find it a little scary. It seems to me that our host and many people here take it for granted that hatred is a bad thing, but I think hatred, fear, pain, and all other experiences that are considered to be negative are all part of life, and not necessarily worse than their opposites. It’s not just that without the lows, we have less appreciation for the highs: It’s that the what seems at the time to be lows are often remembered fondly, and we often learn our greatest lessons and produce our greatest creative work when wrestling with those things. A world of nothing but love and peace is a cartoon Utopia that would drive any thinking man insane. In that sense, we should certainly *appreciate* our enemies, but most of them should not be loved.

Addressing now the substance rather than the sentiment:

>You’ll be happier. If you have anger or resentment inside >of you, even if you don’t think about it all the time, there >will be times when it surfaces. And that makes you >unhappy. It’s destructive, inwardly (it eats you up) and >outwardly (you might do destructive things to others).

This may just be a matter of a difference of opinion, but I don’t think happiness is a worthy goal (worthy of an honorable person). I simply dismiss “you’ll be happier” as a positive, moral reason to do anything. And, as I stated earlier, being eaten up inside once in a while is good for the soul. Being outwardly destructive is (by definition) harmful, and thus should be avoided, but avoiding it is a matter of discipline. We shouldn’t throw the baby out with the bathwater.

>You could change that person’s life. Your enemy is a >human being, and it’s very possible that your hatred of >that person is a source of grief, tension, or hatred in >them.

See above. It’s very possible that those emotions are good for the other person.

>You could make a friend. One of the most powerful >effects of learning to love your enemy is that your enemy >can become your friend.

Not if you choose your enemies well. Which is vital, I agree.

>And while it is counterproductive to be fighting with an >enemy (it hinders your progress), it is very productive to >add new friends to your life — they can help you >accomplish things, for example.

Isn’t that taking an overly material view of life? Generally, this could apply throughout.

>You set a better example for others. Our actions set an >example for other people in our lives. If you have >children, for example, they learn from anything you do. >Teaching them to hate is not a positive example.

I think a person forms her character as much through negative influences as positive ones, and learning to hate what you don’t want to become is particularly important for the development of children, as they’re more likely to be influenced by emotion than thought.

>It’s better for society. This one seems obvious to me, >but it’s important. One little relationship might not seem >to make a difference to society as a whole — who cares >if I hate another person? But if we all hate other people, >it creates a more divisive and fractured and angry >society.

Many of the greatest societies (measured by the art and science they have produced) have been fractured and angry. Orson Welles drops a great line on the subject in “The Third Man,” which I can’t remember well enough to quote. Look it up, it’s great. So’s the movie, by the way.

>I see the effects of this everywhere, from media and >culture to politics to business to families being >disrupted. And the opposite is true — if we can >overcome that hatred, and learn to love our neighbor and >our enemy, society is better of in so many ways.

And worse off in just as many.

>It’s a test of you as a person. This might not be >important to many people, but for me it is. I like to think >of myself as a good person, but how good am I if I am >just loving to my family and friends? That’s extremely >easy (usually). But a better test of your goodness is if >you can overcome feelings of hatred or resentment, and >turn them into feelings of love. That’s a true challenge. >And it’s a life-long challenge.

As Nietzcshe says, it’s an equally great challenge to learn to hate those closest to you.

Mike Kenyon Says:

February 14th, 2008, 15:42 pm

Leo,

I just wanted to thank you for this article. I have spent the past month coming to terms with the fact that a close friend is in love with my fiancee. Naturally, jealously reared its ugly head and the three of us have gone through a very rough, very unpleasant month. What you posted here was exactly what I need to keep on going. Thank you.

–Mike

jrowen Says:

February 14th, 2008, 16:33 pm

It may help to use the word ‘compassion’ instead of the word ‘love’. ‘Love’ is a word that often causes a knee-jerk reaction all out of proportion. ‘Compassion’ seems to be a more neutral word.

You don’t have to change that person, or force yourself to be able to have dinner with them. The object is simply to clear -yourself- of the anger, anguish, and suffering caused by that person (or that group, or that country, etc…) so that -you- are no longer carrying that poison around.

You should still be wary of people who are dangerous, of course. No one is suggesting that safety should be compromised.

Having compassion toward an enemy means that, even though we often have no idea how they could have done what they did, the fact is that they did it, and it can’t be changed, and even if we never understand why, we have to let the intense feelings we have finally calm. We do not have to forgive and forget. We just have to accept that it happened. Then, with the consequences and the changes in our lives that were caused by that enemy, we go on living.

The memory will not change. The past will not change. But we may feel as if we have dropped a burden and moved forward. Hatred takes a lot of energy to maintain, after all.

Good luck everyone!
Compassion (Love), JRowen

Ted Hunter (Cane, NH) Says:

February 14th, 2008, 16:54 pm

But, (to JRowen), that poison you carry around is better thought of as an exfoliant for the soul, which is quite necessary for it to continue to perform its higher functions. I agree that hatred takes a lot of energy to maintain, but disagree with the suggestion that the energy is poorly spent.

anil Says:

February 14th, 2008, 17:15 pm

I totally agree with what you are saying. However I am stuck at a point where I don’t know how to react this. Maybe there are other people who feel the same way as I do.

Say there is a really mean person who does bad things to others. For example there is a person who caused genocide. How can I approach this person with love? I totally condemn his actions. How can accept this person and follow tip #7 “See them as yourself, or a loved one” or tip #4 “accept them for who they are”.

I do realize that in this world we deal with positives & negatives, good energy & bad energy and so forth. And beyond this world there is that Oneness from which this polarization has come. And in the beyond world, it is just ONE. The person who caused genocide, myself and all the people who died are one and the same. If I hate this person, I am hating myself.

What I cannot comprehend is how to live in these two worlds simultaneously. And that is a challenge to me. I haven’t figured out yet how to live in two worlds.

Kelly Rigby Says:

February 14th, 2008, 17:42 pm

A beautiful post, Leo. I wonder if the whole point of life is to open our hearts and love our fellow man/woman regardless of circumstance. Maybe this is the only way to become truly connected to ourselves, God, everything.

Thanks for giving my day a great start.

:) Kelly

Ted Hunter (Cane, NH) Says:

February 14th, 2008, 17:44 pm

A little Weber is appropriate here:

“What man would presume to `refute scientifically’ the morality of the Sermon on the Mount, for example the sentence `resist no evil’ or the image of turning the other cheek? And yet it is clear from the perspective of this world that here an undignified morality is beind
preached. The choice is between the religious dignity which this morality confers and the dignity of man, which preaches something quite different; ‘Resist evil, for otherwise you will share the responsibility for its supremacy’. For each individual, according to
his ultimate standpoint, one is the devil, and the other God, and the individual must decide which for him is God and which the devil. And so it is in all aspects of life.”

Brothajohn Says:

February 14th, 2008, 18:13 pm

Thanks Leo and perfect timing. Just yesterday I was addressing this very issue in my classroom. My students are all very wonderful kids, but at times they tease and bother each other. I am trying to teach them to always take the “high road” and not the “low road” and when they see someone there on the low, to reach down and pull them up, not kick them while they are down. I can’t wait to share some of these ideas with them. by the way, the Buddha said it best I think.

Hatred does not cease by hatred, but only by love; this is the eternal rule.

or my other favorite…

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

have a great day everyone.

Evan Says:

February 14th, 2008, 18:18 pm

Hi, first time commenter, and I am sorry it is on a semi-confrontational note. Although I really don’t mean it to be very confrontational. I found one thing you said to be very troubling, and what I feel is a very serious symptom of why our society is in the sad state of affairs that it is. You wrote: “”Your enemy” doesn’t just mean the enemy of your state, of course. We’re not talking about terrorists…”

Now maybe I do not understand the concept of love or loving your enemies, but why would enemies of our state not deserve love as well? This feeling that enemies of the state are somehow less human, less deserving of love has fueled basically every war and every prejudice. It almost seems like they would need our love even more if we are ever to break the cycle of violence, war, and hatred that has plagued humanity forever. I feel it is important to love your enemies, even those who are not patriotically convenient.

“There are plenty of good reasons for fighting, but no good reason ever to hate without reservation”
-Kurt Vonnegut

LoveJots Says:

February 14th, 2008, 18:55 pm

This reminds me of the most recent news story about the Australians apologizing to the Aborigines in a public speech for all of the historical wrong-doings that white people forced upon them. The Aborigines cheered and were in tears as were many of the other 7000 viewers!
How moving is that! Now if only we could have other countries follow suit to make peace and help support those that were “hard done by.”
Thanks for the great reminder

Jake Says:

February 14th, 2008, 18:59 pm

I have been hurt so many times, and it’s really refreshing to see that im not the only one who faces the challenge of loving someone who’s really hard to love. Great post, I found it inspiring.

Thanks,

-Jake
my site:
dual action cleanse

Brian Says:

February 14th, 2008, 19:05 pm

Regarding the “i’m not talking about terrorists” comments:

It is possible — no, it is vital — to love someone and still hold them accountable for the choices they make. In the case of terrorists, I can choose to love them as human beings. But that won’t stop me from putting a bullet in them at the first opportunity. This is not inconsistent with love, for to fail to resist them with maximum force is to enable them to commit their stated intention of deadly violence upon innocents, and thus to further stain their souls. Thus, elimination of terrorists or other killers of the innocent is an act of love both to the intended victims and to the would-be killers.

To put it another way — if for whatever reason I demonstrated intent to go out and kill a bunch of innocent people, I would hope my family and friends would love me enough to stop me — even if that meant they had to kill me.

Loving your enemy does not absolve one of the duty to withstand evil. Nor does withstanding evil give one the right to hate one’s fellow man.

Jason Says:

February 14th, 2008, 19:53 pm

I search the planet for others who share this belief.. I’ve found one more!

Paul Says:

February 14th, 2008, 20:01 pm

I think Jesus was talking about something more radical, than try to change people’s minds. He asked for the forgiveness of the people killing Him from the cross.

From what I know of Lisa Beamer, she forgave the terrorists that caused the death of her husband Todd “Let’s Roll!” Beamer. That’s loving your enemy, but hating their actions.

Steph Says:

February 14th, 2008, 20:41 pm

Very good article. And I’m impressed with the number of diggs too!

#2 is the hardest, especially if the person acts or does things that you would never in a million years do yourself. I agree with the comment that #10 should only be done in certain situations. And sometimes, “enemies” don’t want you to reach out to them.

Very good post.

Janice C. Cartier Says:

February 14th, 2008, 20:57 pm

There is a range of loves just as you say Leo. And peace of mind is invaluable. To do as you have suggested here does not mean to give up self protection, or self respect, or imply that we diminish our ” arsenal of responses” by choosing to love. It actually suggests that we increase our agility. Nowhere is it suggested that we do not know our enemy well( and be prepared to deal).
Who needs the burden of animosity?

Kristy Says:

February 14th, 2008, 21:05 pm

Challenging article all around, great job accomplishing it!

I’ve mostly always been one who can forgive easily but while I don’t hold grudges most of the time, I don’t forget either. I believe that remembering and trying to learn from the experience encourages strength. But the hardest thing in the world I’ve found to do is forgive (let alone, love) someone who keeps on trying to hurt me. There are some very good tips herein and I will be following much of the advice immediately. Great article! Excellent timing!

Thank you.

Shari Says:

February 14th, 2008, 21:55 pm

@Marc: I agree completely that we are all the same and we shouldn’t hate people because they are the objects of fear and conflict in the current zeitgeist.

That being said, keep in mind that the people on the other side have absolutely no compunctions about viewing you as less than them, completely different than them, or evil. In fact, in many cultures, they have no sense of seeing us all as the same or equal, even when there is no current conflict. They accept it as utterly natural that they are fundamentally different from you and find your egalitarian notions peculiar.

Japan is a good example of this. They don’t hate Westerners (and in fact sometimes put them on a pedestal), but they don’t give a second thought to seeing them as fundamentally different species to the Japanese. They see nothing wrong with this and expect you to have a similar view.

It’s dangerous to be too pie in the sky in your world view. Jesus loved everyone and look at his ultimate disposition in this world. You have to remain cautious even as you keep love of all and feelings of peace in your heart or you put yourself at risk.

tyler Says:

February 15th, 2008, 0:31 am

Good post Leo!

JD Says:

February 15th, 2008, 5:12 am

Nice thought provoking challenge.

I think back to one of my coach’s mantras — “respect the enemy.” Also, one of my mentor’s had a credo — “don’t let anybody push your buttons.”

At the end of the day, I think it’s about choosing the most effective response versus just reacting. Reacting with hate is probably the least effetive. If you let fight-or-flight take over, you actually limit your ability to use the better parts of your brain for a more effective response.

While it’s easier said than done, there’s a proven practice — “master my stories” — where you can change your emotional response (your thoughts create your feelings)

Neo Says:

February 15th, 2008, 7:20 am

As a South African i’ve seen that too much high mindedness/compassion/ubuntu ect, in hopes of enlightening your “enemy” can be profoundly unsatisfiying.

Be Honest. Forgive but forget at your own risk.

Thank you.

N

Leo Says:

February 15th, 2008, 8:25 am

A couple of you have remarked on my statement that “we’re not talking about terrorists” … and I thought I should clarify.

I wasn’t saying terrorists aren’t deserving of our love — they are just as much as any other enemy. I just wanted to get past the traditional notion of the word “enemy”, which usually means the enemy of the state. The post is referring more to your personal enemies, people you hate or resent — but it doesn’t exclude terrorists or anyone else.

Jussi Says:

February 15th, 2008, 8:51 am

Thanks, Leo! Great post!

I translate the title being “10 tips to love your enemy - in order to live a better life”. This gives me the goal of the post: 10 tips to a better life. That’s sweet. I read the tips and thought I’m already doing all those. (Yay, me!)

But then I turned them upside down - 10 tips to a worse life. (”1. Act impulsively, immediately, 2. Think of yourself only..”). Ha. I’m doing all those as well.

I guess I still have a lot to work with..

Anyways, great post! Cheers.

Jim Says:

February 15th, 2008, 10:34 am

Since I am a storyteller, I’d like to respond with a story.

“The Sack” from Fables for God’s People, by John R. Aurelio retold by Jim Cyr

Once upon a time in a little village set in a valley, there lived a poor woman named Judy. Each day she would leave her little hut and go about doing her daily chores. But wherever Judy went she always carried a large sack slung over her shoulders.
You see, one day, when she was young, some boys of the village made fun of her by calling her names. When she called them names back, they did her one better by throwing stones at her. Since the boys were far to fast for her to catch and far too big for her to fight, she instead picked up all the stones they had thrown and put them into a sack she was carrying. When she got home, she carefully marked the name of each boy on each stone they had thrown.
As the days followed and the name calling continued, Judy carefully collected all the stones and marked them. Unfortunately, Judy lived in a time and in a place where everyone was given to throwing stones. Each time a stone was hurled, whether by a child or an adult, Judy found it and marked it. Slowly her collections of stones began to grow.
Because the people of the valley knew what she was doing, Judy worried that they might sneak into her hut while she was away and scatter her stones. So each day she carried her sack, and each night she marked and sorted her stones. Her daily load got heavier and heavier.
One day the king came to the village to pick a new judge over the people. He picked Judy. She was to be the judge in all matters concerning the king and the kingdom. Dressed in her judicial robes, Judy sat in judgment over all the people of the valley.
After a while, one by one, they all came before her for judgment. After the charge was read, Judy reached into her sack and pulled out all the stones with the offender’s name on them. Five stones in the sack—five years in prison. Eight stones in the sack—eight years in prison. A year in prison for every stone in the sack with your name on it. There were 490 stones in all.
Strangely, however, as the sack got emptier, it never got lighter. In time there were no more stones in the sack, nor people in the valley. There were no more bakers to bake bread or farmers to grow food. No cobblers to fix shoes or tailors to sew clothes. There was no one to talk or eat with. And there was no one for the king to collect taxes from.
Judy had given out justice. It made her feel good but she was not happy. She was alone and lonely. At last she decided she must do something before it was too late. Dressed in her judge’s robes she ordered that all the prisoners were to be set free. The occasion was celebrated with a great feast in the village square. There was eating and drinking and joy among the people. Judy walked freely among them, giving greetings and wishing them well.
Suddenly, an angry man, who was still mad at Judy, shouted a curse at her and followed it with a stone. A hush fell over the crowd. Judy reached down and picked up the stone. Once again, as she had done so many times in the past, she carefully marked it and put it into his sack. Turning slowly, she looked into the eyes of all the villagers. Then she lifted the sack as if to sling it over her shoulder. Instead, she began to swing it around and around and around over her head. Finally, she hurled it off into the distance. The crowd cheered and shouted.
From that day on, Judy never carried her sack again. From that day on, there was never any need for her to.

Marenda Says:

February 15th, 2008, 11:48 am

You nailed it friend! The world would be a much better place if we all embraced ad practiced these amazing 10 steps and the basic principle of “the love for your fellow human beings”…I am inspired and encouraged by your post. Thank you :)

dani Says:

February 15th, 2008, 17:03 pm

I really understand the pain expressed in S.’ story and I’d like to respond with a story of my very own.

My family was very abusive too. I think that most families are, although some of us might call it dysfunctional or crazy or some other word. It’s hard for a lot of people to say that people they loved, who loved them, were abusive; we often think that abuse is just this horrible thing where people hurt us intentionally. But I know from experience that abuse is just people repeating harmful patterns that they grew up with, often unintentionally and with no awareness.

My father’s mother is currently a right-wing fundamentalist of the Very Crazy variety, the kind of person who can’t hear other people’s experiences because her defenses have hardened so much over the years - a form of borderline personality disorder. I don’t know what religion she practiced when her children were young, but I can see that she has been part of abusive cults or cult-like groups for many years in the marks it has left on them. Some of her children never speak, some have strings of abusive relationships, some have fled the state and rarely return to their family of origin, some have no boundaries at all.

My father is a particular example of the lack of boundaries. The man has no concept of what a boundary is. Not one! He sexually abused me for many many years, from infancy on, and continued covert sexual abuse into my adult life. He and my mother both had tremendous anger issues and control issues from their own abusive childhoods, and - while they plainly loved me, and provided many good things for all us kids - could be extremely abusive and rageful around things like lying or low grades.

My father also ritually abused me. My foggiest memories of this involve what I think of as “straightforward” experiences of ritual abuse, the kind with animal torture and groups of people doing bad things and people messing with children’s heads in order to traumatize them further. It also involved helping or letting his mother essentially prostitute me out, and doing that himself with his friends or colleagues. Much of it translated as a kind of medical abuse, because much of it happened in his lab at UC Davis. (He no longer works there; he was eventually fired, even with tenure, for his decades of sexually harassing his female students. There are some victories!)

Funnily enough, for a long time I was much angrier at my mother. I could accept that I had been abused in all these ways by my father, but what really ate me up at first was the fear and shame and pain and rage of the everyday emotional abuse. When I was growing up, my father was my favorite parent because he was the one who could more easily express love and joy with us; my mother was emotionally suffocated both by her relationship with him and from her childhood, and I resented her rage. Plus, she was always around; my father’s much rarer presence seemed like a treat. (This dynamic often leaves children more vulnerable to sexual abuse, because they are so hungry for any kind of attention that the abuse can almost
seem desirable - at the time.)

Now my mother is the only one I have a relationship with, because she is the one who was willing to respect the boundaries I learned to set with her. She has actually worked on her side of the street so that we could grow toward having a healthy relationship.

My father, by contrast…. Four years ago, after some months of working on some of these issues in Survivors of Incest Anonymous and Codependents Anonymous, I came to realize that it was not working for me to have any contact with him. It was extremely triggering for days or weeks beforehand and it left me open to more of his abuse. I told him that I needed to have no contact with him for a while, gave him some examples (at his request) of ways that he did not respect my boundaries in my adult life, told him that it was a matter of rebuilding trust, not just something where he could promise to stop and immediately have contact again, and asked him to let me be the one to tell him if I changed my mind. Hilariously - and this is one of the things I love about abusers, they are so clear about how abusive they are once we learn to recognize it - he immediately responded by contacting me to invite me out to brunch, and has spent the past four years repeatedly contacting me through mail, email, and the phone to try to get me to talk to him, whether by invitation or threat from him.

I don’t know if my siblings were sexually or ritually abused, although I strongly suspect it. It’s not generally the case that an abuser can pick and choose who they act out on, although they might think it’s them and not their background of abuse that’s making the decisions. The effects of my parents’ abuse on me and my siblings, as far as it’s visible to me, includes: a lot of dissociation, to the point of none of us having had concrete memories of much of our pre-teen childhoods; serious control issues; a lot of silence, denial, and repressed emotions, particularly from my brother; addictive behaviors and/or partnerships with people who have addictions; rage and fear and shame. I spent many years acting out sexually, around food, around work, and generally living in a way that hurt me, in order to check out from and reenact the chaos of my childhood without really being aware of it.

All of which is to say that I understand the experience of being abused and having it ruin or threaten our adult lives, and I know how hard it is for people to get into recovery even to save their own lives. And I understand the experience of being enraged at the abusers for their original and continuing abuse, and feeling like there is no other reasonable reaction to it.

When I first started working 12-step programs, I heard people talk about forgiving their abusers, and I heard people react to that with fear and anger. There was even a pamphlet in SIA called something like “Must We Forgive?” I was grateful for the boundaries that people learned in program, that let them express their fear and anger while understanding that it had nothing to do with the person who forgave their abusers.

At first I heard sayings about resentment, like that it was like swallowing poison and waiting for the rat to die, with a lot of detachment and skepticism. I didn’t understand what it would be like to forgive, but I knew that I wasn’t anywhere near that yet. It sometimes seemed to me that my forgiveness must necessarily be contingent upon them changing their behavior, begging my forgiveness, something like that. Something sweeping and dramatic and equal to the level of emotion that I felt, to the level of drama and pain that they had created. How could one tiny person (as I saw myself) forgive, or even want to forgive, such unimaginable and monstrous acts?

Eventually I came to the fourth step, which for me in part involved writing about alllllll of my resentments. All the things that pissed me off, everything I hated, all the stuff I raged about. And all my fears. And then, to look at my side of the street. Everyone who helped me, fortunately, was perfectly clear that we do not have a part in childhood abuse. We can never say “Well, sure he raped me, but I enjoyed it” or “Well, they may have screamed at me for hours, but I DID get bad grades.” In adulthood, we can say that our part in an abusive relationship might at least be that we had not yet left, but in childhood we did not even have that.

But a strange thing happened as I catalogued and explored these feelings. I had never before really given myself permission to feel angry. In my family, it wasn’t safe to feel sadness or fear - nobody expressed these things. There was no support for them. And I grew up with the subconscious fear that if I did feel my fear or my sadness, those feelings would overwhelm and drown me. We were allowed to feel happy, in fact we were supposed to. We were not supposed to feel anger, but it was at least modeled for us and we all expressed our anger in various ways much of the time, and were usually punished for it. Now, for the first time, I was giving myself permission to feel that anger - to write about every way anyone had “done me wrong,” without considering yet whether it was “justifiable” or whether I had a part in it or what I had done wrong myself. Just to be angry about the injustices and harms I had experienced, for once, to affirm to myself that I did not deserve this pain.

I went on, after many amazingly detailed pages of resentments, to write about the few fears I could then identify. I was afraid (ironically?) of writing about them, but I eventually did it. I found that rather than being plunged into terror, as I had feared, I felt liberated and enlightened by this writing. I learned a lot about what my fears meant to me and where they came from and what they affected in my life. And I learned that I did not have to keep carrying them.

More importantly, I realized that all of my anger came from fear. There was not a single resentment on that list that was not, somehow, the defensive face of fear at heart. I had just been clinging to anger because it felt safer than feeling afraid.

Even more importantly, I finally understood on a gut level why people in program were saying things like “My resentment is a threat to my sobriety.” Anger can be positive if we move through it and let it motivate us to set boundaries and understand new things about ourselves. But over the long term, this anger and rage and hatred and resentment - all essentially the same thing - were eating me up inside. When my rage was triggered, it was hard for me to think clearly. As a result, I had tremendous difficulty setting boundaries with people who were abusive toward me in my adult life. It was really hard for me even to set boundaries with people who simply reminded me of one of my parents or another abuser, even if they weren’t abusive themselves. It was hard for me even to have a conversation with many people, because my anger separated me from myself - from what I really thought and felt. It made me react defensively, get invested in what they wanted me to think or feel, what would be “safe” to say or do around them - which wasn’t a safe way to live at ALL.

And the anger covered up other feelings. When I had my realization that anger covered up fear, I took the brave step of letting myself feel that anger and that fear. I soon found that the fear was itself covering up sadness. It made sense, but I was afraid to feel the sadness. I still assumed that all that sadness would just overwhelm me, that because of all the abuse it was a bottomless ocean. One day in a meeting, I took the even braver step of letting myself feel the sadness anyway. I discovered the truth: that when I felt my sadness, accepted my valid, real, reasonable feelings, the fog of sadness slowly parted and I felt incredible freedom and joy.

As long as I was invested in keeping that anger, in my old belief that I had to be angry at my abusers or else it would somehow mean their abuse was okay, I couldn’t feel any of the feelings underneath it. My life was marked by anger at all kinds of different things, spurting out from the core anger at the abuse that I wouldn’t let myself move through. And by the fear that I wouldn’t acknowledge or feel, that informed every decision I made. I needed to take my focus off of my abusers and completely onto myself in order to heal from the abuse.

I didn’t necessarily feel forgiveness toward them at that point. As I continued to work on my abuse issues over time, and as my understanding of how abuse works grew, I gained more understanding of the kind of abuse they had gone through. I began to see how their own childhood abuse had marked their adult lives. I could see how far my father lived from reality, and how damaged his life had become, and how much intense denial he lived in. I could see how long my mother had lived in fear, and how much that fear affected all of her decisions - how she could not really make her own decisions or live her life fully and freely because she was acting out the codependent fear that I was becoming free of. These people are thirty years older than I am, and they are shackled by their unacknowledged abuse in many, many ways. There is nothing worse I could do to them than that.

At first, that was a frustrating idea, because on an inner child kind of level, I wanted revenge. In my anger, I wanted to do something mean back to them, to reflect that abuse. But the better my life became, the freer I became, and the more chains I could see around them. Better yet, working the fourth step helped me see where I was giving my power away and where I needed to set boundaries with people - and best of all, how to do that. When I became able to set boundaries with people and finally say no to all kinds of abuse, I found that I no longer had to be angry. Nobody could harm me anymore but myself, and I could work on that too!

Nowadays, I feel compassion for my parents. I no longer have to have contact with my father, and I hope that he someday realizes the extent of his problem and gets help - but I doubt it. I enjoy my mother’s company, and I can laugh (in a nice way) at the ways that she acts out in her life, without getting reabused or triggered by her.

So to me, there seems to be no point in clinging to anger or in worrying about whether or not to cling to anger. As long as we work on the underlying issues and emotions, we will get to move past anger into freedom. It is totally and completely unimaginable at first - or at least it certainly was for me. But unimaginable, crazy things do happen - and at least this one is good!

daniel Says:

February 15th, 2008, 19:04 pm

Gandhi was just like most other men of his time, a racist.

Look it up for yourself http://www.google.ca/search?hl=en&client=firefox-a&rls=com.ubuntu%3Aen-US%3Aofficial&hs=17T&q=Gandhi+a+racist&btnG=Search&meta=

Don’t get me started on Mother Teresa.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Missionary_Position_(book)

Jackie Says:

February 15th, 2008, 21:21 pm

Hi,
Thanks for taking the time to write this article. I really needed to hear all these things. Although I know your step number 10 may be a necessary one for the whole process, I still find it would be really pushing it for me. I mean, if someone has deceived you, I feel that reaching out to them another time is to open the door for being hurt again. But in the end, maybe you are right. You can open the door, but be wiser and not let yourself be deceived another round.

Laurie Says:

February 16th, 2008, 0:43 am

I have found forgiveness sometimes a very difficult thing to do. I felt that meant I was suppose to no longer be hurting by whatever the infraction was. But I decided it didn’t have to mean I no longer hurt but no longer held it against them. It was a freeing thing. And because it was freeing, I was able to move on a bit faster.

I have also found that the deeper my love for God goes, the easier it is to love others. Right now I just am loving being alive!

John Says:

February 16th, 2008, 3:25 am

Excellent stuff. I’ve bookmarked this page and will come back to it, especially in times I need it the most.

Thank you.

Roy Says:

February 16th, 2008, 9:48 am

“You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.” - Indira Gandhi

This site is comparable to a thousand and one homilies and sermons in churches, temples and mosques. I now have the habit checking this site daily, and checking up myself in my life journey. Thank you all.

Bishnoi Says:

February 16th, 2008, 10:39 am

If you love them, you are dead.

dani Says:

February 16th, 2008, 19:47 pm

How can poison be an exfoliant? That’s a terrible idea!

tobto Says:

February 17th, 2008, 4:47 am

Thomas is right - enemy is projection of your mind. Start from yourself.

Leo Says:

February 17th, 2008, 15:10 pm

@daniel: regarding your criticism of Gandhi … a couple others have made similar comments, so I thought I’d address it here.

Gandhi was a human being. What inspires me is not so much him as a person (especially as I never knew him personally) but his *ideas*. He had some incredible ideas, or at least expanded upon and expressed brilliantly the incredible ideas of others.

Now, he may very well have been a racist and have had other personal problems. But for me, those things are fairly irrelevant, as I do not worship the man … I only am inspired by his ideas.

Thanks for allowing me to clarify!

Trish Says:

February 17th, 2008, 19:43 pm

Great post. Perfect to ask a question at the end. I do my best to love in the face of fear. It’s not always easy to put the theory into practice. Posts like this one and my own blog are my personal daily reminders. Thanks for today’s reminder.

Goldenskyhook Says:

February 17th, 2008, 20:06 pm

Many of you posters seem to think that forgiveness involves approving of the other person’s behavior. It does not. It also does not involve becoming vulnerable to the other person. None of us is wise enough to know what drives another to harmful behaviors. We can be total experts on what happens inside our own hearts and minds, and that is where forgiveness takes place.

One way to look at forgiveness is: “giving as before”. Giving is something you do within your own soul. It does not mean that you invite an obviously harmful person to come close enough to hurt you. It does mean that you release the past, and let it go. The past is NOT a good indicator of present or future events or behaviors. It is only history, plain and simple. I have watched a lot of “unchangeable” people go through total transformation from horribly selfish, violent individuals to downright angelic beings. I didn’t believe it was possible, but I have seen it.

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, so you can grow and continue to feel better and better. Holding resentment and wishing revenge never hurts the other person. It just eats a hole in your heart.

Diana Grace Butler Says:

February 19th, 2008, 2:02 am

Have you ever heard the saying that it is not what you want that you attract; you attract what you believe to be true. If you believe this is a correct statement, then in a manner of speaking we attract to us that which we fear because we believe it to be true that there are people out there up to no good. And then when we have attracted this sort of thing to us, we will then lable them the enemy and we will have an emotional reaction to the events they cause, often hate or fear, which further increased the negation and continues it to BE.

Forgiving it is in a way like forgiving our own selves if we can but see that we have some complicity, some accountability, for the things that are happening to us because of our magnitizing them to us. When we can realize that consciousness is the one and only reality, then we can learn that no thing befalls us that is not of the nature of ourselves.

This is neither good or bad that we have brought it to ourselves. It is really just a lesson that we ( our higher self) wants us to learn from. It is our choice that we can see it as containing a gift for us or opting to just becoming bitter and hating the lesson. In the case of the latter, the lesson will come repeatedly until we learn. THEN it need come any more. On to the next kind of lesson. Lessons not learned become more and more severe, WHY because someone loves you enough that they want you to get this lesson learned this time around. It is important for you soul’s growth. You might even thank your enemy some day.

We are here on this earth to learn life lessons such as Jesus taught us about “Love Your Enemy”. Sometimes people jump to the conclusion that to love the enemy would mean not to lock up the murderer or thief, but No, this is a Love-Wisdom kind of lesson. You can lock up the victimizer but you don’t have to hate him. You don’t have to wish him dead.

So how do you end evil if you also do what Jesus said when he told us to “Resist not Evil”. This saying you know goes hand and hand with “Love Your Enemy”. If you resist, then what you resist just presist, maybe even gets worse. But if you love the enemy, truly love them, then you have sent a thought that will impact him one way or the other. If your thought of love is accepted by him, then he has an opportunity to change which is what we really want the enemy to do, to be transformed by our love and become a friend. But if the love that is sent is resisted by that one, then they are coming against an energetic force which they have added the energy of their hate too, which can not go back to the sender because the sender does not wish evil on them, so it has to register in them in a negative way. Sometimes they will just kneel over with a heart attack if they set up resistance to the love coming to them.

I think that this is a perfect law. It sure would eliminate the need for wars to be fought. If we love our enemies, truly love them, then that love will find them quicker and more precisely than a bullet ever could. Had enough of us sent Sadat Hussien this kind of love, it would have found him no matter what bunker he had hidden away in and would have either transformed him or done him in. Think of the lives of the soldiers who died because we have not had the realization of what it actually means to “love the enemy and to resist not evil. Jesus was stating profound truths, little understood by the people of his day, and even in this present day, there is little understanding of how this thought transmission works.

Love is a transforming power and one that we have barely scratched the surface of to even know what all Love, coupled with Wisdom of course, can do for us. It is the only thing that will change the world. The world will not change until we change our perception of it. It’s gonna take some great imagine-ers. But we can be that kind of master who lives in a world of his own conscious creation.

Your thoughts are powerful and you send them out unconsciously for the most part. Did you know that your unexpressed convictions of others are transmitted to them without their conscious knowledge or consent, and if subconsciously accepted by them will influence their behavior.

This then means that if we see a dangerous world, a dangerous world manifest for us, but we are not blameless that it does because in a way we have given it permission to BE.

So what is it that we should be doing? We need to eliminate all moods from our consciousness other than the mood of fulfilled desire. But what makes the news? Not the good things that are happening all around us, but that which is not so good. We sometimes find that we get into the habit of loving to hate something or someone.

When we hate, we are not protected. Neville Goddard talked about it and said that if we can wish for some evil thing to happen to another, then that same evil thing can happen to us. But if we are incapable of wishing evil on another, then whatever thought of malice they send to us returns to them and will be increased when it is “returned to sender”. Sometimes the love we send another who has only hate for us or who wishes us dead, will go back to the sender and embody itself it the sender, sometime even causing them to die. Love puts a protective bubble around us and protects us from the thoughts sent to us by our enemies.

Bishnoi Says:

February 20th, 2008, 12:18 pm

It was failure of Mahatma Gandhi that Bagat singh was “Born”.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bhagat_Singh.
I respect your thinking but while surviving in the society you need to Suppress your enemy. By loving someone Mad (He/she is already Mad because he/she dont love nice person like you.) you are only encouraging him/her to do more harm to you.

Ted Hunter (Cane, NH) Says:

February 20th, 2008, 13:39 pm

Diana,
Are you saying we should love our enemies because that’s the best way to really destroy them? That not wishing ill to someone is the best way to really ensure that they get ill, and so for that reason we shouldn’t wish ill to them?

That’s quite the metaphysical funhouse we’re building there, isn’t it?

Arun S Says:

February 21st, 2008, 10:09 am

Good stuff …

10 tips listed work well not just with enemies, but also with people with whom u hv minor disagreements.

Think of bosses, ppl who drive crazy, neighbours etc etc ..

Timothy Smith Says:

February 21st, 2008, 10:27 am

Wow! I was just talking about this subject with my mom last night and then I run into this article today.

Thank you a lot for everything you wrote, you made a lot of sense. Squeezed a few tears out too. :-)

And I emailed Mom a link!!

Take care,
Tim

chakresh Says:

February 21st, 2008, 15:31 pm

very good article

Liq Says:

February 22nd, 2008, 6:01 am

wow…. such a very long article but coollll…. ^^

luv it….

Bushido Says:

February 25th, 2008, 6:26 am

Very good post. I will make a spanish version of it and post it on my blog if it’s ok with you. I’ll send you a link, of coure! :)

Bushido
http://www.bushidoblog.com.ar

Debbie Says:

March 13th, 2008, 14:20 pm

Leo, thanks for your message. I am a first-time poster.

Fourteen months ago my younger sister was brutally, and I mean BRUTALLYy, murdered by her 16-year-old son, who will now spend many, many years in prison. Can I forgive him, in the sense of saying it’s okay and I’ll forget about what happened? No.

But even though he caused her such pain in her last years and took her from us, I can finally feel compassion for him. I am praying for his safety in prison; I am praying that he will come to terms with what he has done and feel real sorrow; I am praying that somehow his life can be redeemed and turned into a beautiful thing, even within prison walls. There is always hope.

For months I was angry, but that anger did not affect him and did not bring her back; it only brought me down. But now that I have let go of that anger (with God’s help) I finally have peace. Instead of focusing on what he did, I can finally focus on who she was, and celebrate her life.

I agree with the comment about how we poison ourselves with unforgiveness. Bitterness changes nothing, except us. And that eventually poisons the other ones we love.

Pete W Says:

March 13th, 2008, 15:05 pm

@ Debbie - I think i speak for everyone when I say how sorry I am for your loss, and how good it is to know that you’re finally coming round to being able to let go of the anger and rage that you’ve felt.

I hope you get as much out of this site as I have.

Shalom aleichem,

Pete

Jason Simon Says:

April 4th, 2008, 20:35 pm

To love thy enemy, it can help to be open to difference - a willingness to accept people who share different points-of-view, and a willingness to learn from those we judge.

HBear Says:

July 14th, 2008, 14:38 pm

Glad I found this site.

Have to put in my two cents.

I think the best way to love is to be just. To me justice is getting and giving what is deserved, it is important to note that some enemies deserve violence or death. Love your enemy.

Also, I heard a quote once, I will write it as best I remember it. I think it is japanese, from a swordsman. It goes something like, “I do not hate my enemy, i love them, by loving them I understand them, and by understanding them I understand how to destroy them.” The actual quote is a bit more majestic and dramatic.

Along those lines, I think, to defeat your enemy is to hate them, and to hate them truly is to understand them, and to understand them truly is to love them. Understanding is motivation to love or hate, either of which is a tool for positive or negative action.

I think that to forgive we should do so carefully and with guidelines. I think retribution is essential to forgiveness. I also think that we do not need to forgive to move on, only accept and process.

Everyone had great points here, no one is wrong and there was no flaming, this is probably the best topic thread I have read (then again it is the only one on this site I have read).

HBear Says:

July 14th, 2008, 14:44 pm

…and, your enemy does not have to be another person, it can be almost any source of conflict, especially within ourselves.

Jacque Denise Yap Says:

August 4th, 2008, 14:10 pm

thanks for that Leo, i really like it..you know what i don’t know what is wrong with me but i cant put my anger to my friends i mean even how much they hurt me i still care for them..some people said that i think good for them but i don’t think whats good for me..i don’t know but you know what in the video that i saw earlier in http://pollclash.com two of the presidential candidates talks about the war in Iraq just thinking that maybe they might want to read this topic ” LOVE THY ENEMY” perhaps the war there might stopped..

Ambika Says:

August 12th, 2008, 14:52 pm

i use these to not to hate:
- agreeing with/thanking the truth in criticism.
- responding with humor/lighter side of criticism.
- act in thought,word,deed keeping others wellbeing in mind & on our own decision.the high i get by acting on my own view prevents hate from surfacing.
- caringly stating/clarifying the facts not considered by the critic.
- twisting the criticism into a good intention & reflecting back as what i interpretted of your criticism.

rasberry Says:

August 25th, 2008, 12:40 pm

I enjoy your site very much. It is useful and practical. You are wise and seem very patient. Anyway, can you please have an article on how to handle manipulative people. Where to draw the lines with honesty. I don’t think everyone is 100% honest at all times. In general, people are honest when they have nothing to lose. For example, they won’t tell off their boss what they think of them if the jobs and the income are at risk. Why should we care what people think of us anyway. They are not perfect either. Everyone has selective perceptions depending on their life encounters. Have a wonderful day and many more success come your way.

Kri Krumrey Says:

December 4th, 2008, 3:30 am

In 5 1/2 hours I will stand before a person of whom I have never met… an illegal alien…. a person who I have hated more than the devil himself since May 20, 2007. On that day this person killed my brother and only sibling of 26 years by drunk driving. He rearened my brother at over 85 miles per hour, killing him instantly. I may never know how truly sincere I am in saying what I will say to this man tomorrow, but tomorrow i will forgive this man for his actions and what he did to my brother. In doing so I choose to be free of the anger, hatred and pain I have allowed this man’s actions to control me this past year & a half.

Kris Krumrey Says:

December 4th, 2008, 3:31 am

In 5 1/2 hours I will stand before a person of whom I have never met… an illegal alien…. a person who I have hated more than the devil himself since May 20, 2007. On that day this person killed my brother and only sibling of 26 years by drunk driving. He rearened my brother at over 85 miles per hour, killing him instantly. I may never know how truly sincere I am in saying what I will say to this man tomorrow, but tomorrow i will forgive this man for his actions and what he did to my brother. In doing so I choose to be free of the anger, hatred and pain I have allowed this man’s actions to control me this past year & a half.

Jim Dew Says:

February 13th, 2009, 13:30 pm

Leo, thanks for this posting.

I recently listened to Emotional Awareness — a conversation between Paul Ekman and the Dalai Lama — and came upon this interesting finding: Those who do the worst atrocities upon others feel not so much anger or apathy as disgust. If the opposite of the greatest love is entrenched disgust, what are the implications? I look forward to your thoughts and the responses of others.

Sandra Says:

March 6th, 2009, 4:48 am

I am having lunch with a colleague of mine today to talk some things through. Now by chance I found this post. If nothing else, it has made me feel much happier today and for that alone I thank you. I am sure that the meeting this afternoon will also be a much more constructive and happy one.

Ayden Says:

May 8th, 2009, 18:23 pm

I’m sorry. But, what about the enemy, what about attempting to reach out to him? I’ve tried, I’ve read this, I’ve read the bible. I try to forgive, it is not the best thing for my heart (it really does sting to love them) and it isn’t easy. But they choose to hurt again after you try to love; what happens then? Once I tried to “branch” out, but I got severely beaten.

But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;

Such an interesting little quote from the bible. Isn’t it? So simple to understand yet so difficult to follow, or is it vise versa? So simple to follow and yet so difficult to understand? Either way, it is painful to keep trying to do good to hateful ones and get the same mistreatment that befalls you in the first place? Can you sympathize with me here? Can you understand where I am coming from? I believe, I am Christian, but, I sometimes question why I must love my enemies when it’d be just so much easier to forget them. I understand it is even MORE easier to hate them, but how about “forget thy enemies, forget them that curse you, do nothing except forget them that hate you, and never mention again them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;” Sounds so much more easier, so much less painful. I’ve harbored hate in my heart for my life and for the world, let’s forget the world and pray for the Rapture to begin, only then, can we achieve true happiness.

Jim Dew Says:

May 11th, 2009, 8:47 am

Ayden, your comments are both interesting and honest. I don’t believe it is easy either to understand or to follow the ideal of loving your enemy. To the degree that one does so, it seems dependent upon, first, already having self acceptance and love and, second, already having love and acceptance of others who are not one’s enemy. By having self-acceptance and by realizing the connectedness to others, one begins to form a foundation for “loving one’s enemy.”
Another requirement for accepting this ideal is a realization of the degree to which each of us creates the animosity and negative feelings toward our “enemies” within ourselves. We deceive ourselves by generalizing from another’s negative actions, words, and intentions to the person themselves. As Ghandi said, “Hate the sin, love the sinner.” Instead, humans (including myself) all too easily fall into playing God, by making God-like demands of the world. We do this so quickly and automatically that it takes considerable practice realizing our role in creating our own negative feelings.
Here is an example. Suppose someone does something mean and harmful to me. Too often, instead of my accepting the reality that this mean and harmful event occurred, I automatically think “This SHOULD not have occurred. This SHOULD not have been done.” Do you see the contradiction? By thinking this way we’ve created an internal conflict between our experience of the event and our elevated wish that the event never existed. It is these internal conflicts that prolong our fear, anger, sadness, and the like. The conflict then makes US into the righteous enemy. (As Pogo said, “We have met the enemy and he is us!!”) Threatening, frightful, sad events DO occur. I can’t wish them out of existence by demanding that reality be different. BUT, I could change the course of my feelings by noting right away that I’ve elevated my wish to a God-like demand that reality be different that it is. So, instead of demanding that reality SHOULD be different than it is, (”should-ing on myself”) I learn to say to myself, “I WISH this hadn’t occurred” and thereby accept the reality that it DID occur. Without this acceptance, without this realizing how we elevate our wishes, we can’t see the role WE play in creating and prolonging the conflict, instead we just focus on the enemy and pretend we are just innocent victims.
I don’t see how anyone can “love thy enemy” without first establishing self acceptance; without having a greater love of others generally; and without realizing our own role in prolonging our own negative emotions by attempting to play God in creating (or re-creating) reality.