Photo courtesy of Saudi... Flip Your Karma: 8 Tricks to Turn the Bad Into the Awesome
“Fall seven times, stand up eight.” - Japanese proverb
It’s inevitable: sometimes, life just doesn’t go your way.
Your schedule gets all messed up. You fail to follow your exercise plan. Someone is mean to you. You feel like quitting something. You want to curl into a little ball and cry.
Life deals out its blows, and leaves us discouraged, angry, frustrated, depressed, drained. And once we’re in that bad place, in a mood where we just don’t care about anything, it’s pretty hard to get out of it.
But let me share a little secret to happiness and self-improvement here: all that stuff? It’s just in your head.
Yeah, it sure doesn’t seem like it. It seems that the slings and arrows of life are all coming at us. It feels like we’re a failure. But it’s true. It’s all in your mind.
How can I trivialize horrible things that happen to you like that? By making it seem like a simple mental problem? Because that’s what it is, and once you realize that, you are liberated — you have the power to change your circumstances!
It’s not an easy task, I’ll give you that. It’s incredibly, monumentally hard. Changing your mind and changing your life is a mental hurdle worthy of the titans.
But it can be done. All it takes is a few mental tricks, and a lot of energy and willingness to keep an open mind.
“Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow.” - Swedish proverb
Let me give you an example: for the last couple years, I’ve struggled with exercise. I actually enjoy running and working out, but there are days when I don’t feel like doing a thing, or when I feel under the weather, and those days can stretch out to a week and that week can stretch into a few weeks. And then I’ve fallen off the exercise wagon and it feels like I can’t get back on.
But then I use the first couple of tricks below, and my mindset changes. I switch on the positive attitude, and realize that my failure to exercise is actually just a stepping stone to fitness success. And looking back, I’ve had 6-7 of these failures, or stepping stones, and they’ve all led me further down the path to fitness. Today, I exercise almost every day, and I’m loving it.
The same is true of every other success I’ve had. This blog, for example, is a success in my eyes, but I’ve had points where I was discouraged by negative comments or emails. I flipped that discouragement around, however, and used the comments to help myself improve.
I had many failures along the way to eliminating my debt, but I made it there in the end, by not quitting. I have faced many tests of my patience and character, and failed not a few of those too. But through practice, I’ve gotten better, and while I’m not perfect, I know that I’ll only continue to improve if I keep the same mindset.
It’s all in your mind. Here are 8 tricks I use to turn anything bad into something truly awesome.
- The power of positive thinking. I learned the power of positive thinking while I was quitting smoking, and I used the lessons of that challenge to help me with every other challenge I’ve faced since. Quitting smoking, as most smokers (and ex-smokers) know, is supremely difficult. There are many times throughout each day, in the first few weeks especially, when you feel like giving up. When you want just one cigarette (which leads to two …). When you just don’t see the point of all this suffering. And yet, if you realize that it’s just negative thinking, you can squash that negative thought like a little bug. Then replace it with a positive thought (I CAN do this!) and you’re back on the road to success. Recognize negative thoughts, squash them, and find positive thoughts to replace them. Works every time.
- Failure is a stepping stone to success. This is what I tell myself every time I fall. I get up, dust myself off, and start again. Each failure shows you an obstacle you didn’t anticipate, and you can plan to beat that obstacle next time. Each failure brings you that much closer to winning. And you know what? Every single time I’ve told myself that, so far, it’s been true. I’ve succeeded. Getting back up is the main thing.
- Practice patience. This is what I tell myself when I get frustrated, when someone is difficult, when I begin to lose my patience. First, I vent somehow (talking to a friend or my wife is one of the best ways for me). Then, I tell myself that this is a great way for me to practice my patience. Sometimes, I have to repeat this to myself like a mantra, but it works nonetheless.
- Learning experience. Similar to the “stepping stone to success” trick above, but it can be used for anything, not just failure. If I make a mistake, if I make the wrong choice, if I have a bad day … I just see it as an opportunity to learn. Then I review it in my head, trying to figure out what went wrong, trying to learn from my mistakes. If you see learning as a wonderful thing, as I do, then you can see every mistake as a blessing.
- Makes you stronger. “That which does not kill us only makes us stronger,” goes the famous saying. And while that’s not always true (sometimes we can be left weakened and ruined), I’ve found it to be true in most cases. Something is difficult? I will be a stronger person for having endured it. This has been the case for me when I went through problems as a teen-ager (I ran away from home and slept in Golden Gate Park in S.F.), when I went through a divorce seven years ago, when I had stressful and trying times at various jobs. I became a better person because of it.
- Test of your character. I like tests and challenges. It motivates me to step up to another level, to see if I can meet the challenge. This is the case with my first marathon, which was very difficult for me (for various reasons). It wasn’t a particularly enjoyable experience for me, but I just saw it as a test. And when I passed that test, it was a joyous thing for me. This is true any time you go through a trying time — see it as a challenge, and try to meet that challenge. And when you do, you’ll feel great about yourself.
- Turn the other cheek. Jesus said that instead of taking an eye for an eye, if someone hits you, just turn the other cheek. I don’t know many people who can meet this monumental challenge. I’ve tried it. It’s not easy, and the desire to avenge any wrongs is hard to quash. However, I believe that even making an effort at this will make you a better person. It goes not just for physical wrongs to you, but anything that anyone does to you. They call you a name? Thank them. There will be some people who say that you have to meet force with force, or people will walk all over you. To this I say, “Where does it end?” And I also say, “You are merely stooping to their level.” Rise above the pettiness of others, and become a better human being.
- Love your enemy. I wrote about this recently as one of life’s greatest challenges, and it belongs on this list. When you have anger toward another human being, give this a try. If you succeed, to any degree whatsoever, you will rejoice in this success. It is a miraculous thing.
“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” - Winston Churchill
Elsewhere: See LifeDev’s cool article, Heartbreak Hotel: How to Turn Rejection into Triumph (Digg it if you like it!)
If you liked this article, please share it on del.icio.us, StumbleUpon or on Digg. I’d appreciate it. :)
- Posted on 4 March 2008 in Goals, Happiness, Motivation |
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Comments (104)
Shari Says:
March 4th, 2008, 21:31 pm
Emotional responses to bad experiences are part of our survival instinct. We’re supposed to react badly and avoid people and experiences which upset us. We’re lazy for the same reason - less effort means less energy consumed and better survival.
We can try and overcome these impulses, but it’s undeniable that not every bad experience is about ‘learning where we made a mistake’ or about self-improvement. Sometimes we don’t make any mistakes and bad things still happen. This is a recipe for being conditioned into a state of learned helplessness and no amount of “turning a frown upside down” or positive thinking is going to change this because sometimes there is nothing you did wrong besides being around someone else who had a problem and was careless and took it out on you.
This is a good list for eternal pessimists, but I’m wary of encouraging constant self-analysis and attitude corrections as an answer to life’s cavalcade of woes. It encourages the (erroneous) idea that we can have more control in life than we really do. It’s better just to accept that bad things happen and it’ll upset you, but ultimately, it won’t matter in the future. The focus should be on gaining perspective, and learning how to avoid bad people.
Personally, when quite things happen, I think back to similar bad experiences and remind myself that they don’t matter down the road. Life gets better, and I wasn’t responsible for how it temporarily got worse nor was there anything I could have done to prevent most of the bad things that have occurred (short of locking myself in my apartment and never leaving it).
Doug Says:
March 4th, 2008, 21:41 pm
“And then I’ve fallen off the exercise wagon and it feels like I can’t get out.”
You might want to change “can’t get out” to “can’t get back on.” That or explain what you fell into that you now can’t get out of (maybe the laz-y-boy).
Ryan Says:
March 4th, 2008, 21:59 pm
This post is perfectly timed for me! Just had the job interview from hell.
It was kinda like that nightmare when you are about to sit an exam and you don’t know any of the answers then suddenly you have five minutes left.
Anyhow I’m in the best position to implement the ‘bad to awesome’ advice :) Thanks Leo!
Leo Says:
March 4th, 2008, 22:06 pm
Good catch, Doug! Going to correct now. :)
Ivan Says:
March 4th, 2008, 22:19 pm
“The power of positive thinking” and “Practice patience” are the two most important, IMO. At first I thought the “positive thinking” advice was just empty feel-good stuff, but I’ve learned how it can ultimately be the key to achievement. If you don’t believe you can do something, you certainly won’t be able to do it. “Positive thinking”, then, is the prerequisite of success. Patience, meanwhile, is necessary to learn the lessons you’ll take out of failure.
Shari:
I must disagree with what you said: “It encourages the (erroneous) idea that we can have more control in life than we really do.” Of course, trial and error is necessary if you want to be successful in what you do. But we do have, I think, a considerable amount of control in life. We have the power of controlling our thoughts and actions, even when ultimately some unexpected events will happen.
Thoughtful post!
Michael Moniz Says:
March 4th, 2008, 22:33 pm
This is so true. Positive thinking is so powerful to your success. I never thought failure leads to success but it is a step.
Corey - Simple Marriage Project Says:
March 4th, 2008, 22:36 pm
Leo-
All these points can also be applied to relationships. It’s how you view what’s going on that produces the change. A difficult time during the course of a relationship can been seen as “oh well, here we go again” or “what can I apply to this that was learned from the last time we went through this?” Good stuff.
Leo Says:
March 4th, 2008, 22:41 pm
@Shari, who said: “It encourages the (erroneous) idea that we can have more control in life than we really do. ”
I love your alternative viewpoint, Shari! I’m glad you’ve shared it.
I disagree with your point (quoted in this comment) … what I’m saying is that we don’t have control of life … bad things will happen … but we do, however, have control of our reaction to those things.
That’s a very big difference.
We can decide to be upset or unhappy or discouraged … or we can decide to stay positive and move on to better things and be happy. That’s our choice, and it’s one that I’ve made over and over and over, and it’s worked out extremely well for me.
I’m a positive person and I’ve had numerous successes using these methods. I won’t guarantee that it will work for everyone, but I’m hoping they’ll help at least a few people become happier.
Thanks for allowing me to clarify, Shari!
Thomas Herold Says:
March 4th, 2008, 22:51 pm
Leo, I like that you mention that ‘it’s all in your mind’. Failure does not exist until you decide that it is. Before you make the judgment it is simply an experience.
And there are no good or bad experiences. Our mind categories them by putting labels on it. Labels like “this is good” and “this is bad”. This happens mostly automatic, without making “the choice” to label it.
Shifting from the mind as the “labeler” to fully experience the situation helps a lot.
Cheers
Thomas Herold
CEO Dream Manifesto
http://www.dreammanifesto.com
Marelisa Says:
March 4th, 2008, 22:52 pm
I would add the following to the list:
Keep things in perspective; don’t over-generalize. The fact that you’ve failed at something does not mean that your life is over or that your reputation is forever ruined and that you’ll never get another chance. If something goes wrong during the day don’t immediately label it as “the day from hell”. Don’t make the situation bigger or more pervasive than it really is. Instead, remember the famous line: “And this too shall pass . . .”
It’s a good idea to carry a list in your wallet of how you plan to react when things don’t go your way so that you can refer to it when you’re in the throes of an upsetting event and your emotions are running rampant. (Although I guess the moments when you would most need the list are precisely those when you’re too upset to bother to take it out.)
Jacqueline Says:
March 4th, 2008, 23:06 pm
Marelisa added some great advice to an already great post - that sometimes it is important to remember that “this too shall pass…” After all, we can’t necessarily control everything that happens to us, but we can control how we react to it.
Man with a Brain Says:
March 4th, 2008, 23:11 pm
This is the most vacuous post I’ve read in a long time, even on this site. “Learning experience” ???? Give me a break.
Chris Austria Says:
March 4th, 2008, 23:20 pm
“practice patience”– how many of us really do practice patience. Maybe this the reason why we are all so stressed out, we are very impatient. Impatient with our careers, impatient about our family and so on and so forth.
Leo–Next post write about how to practice patience.
Teresa Says:
March 4th, 2008, 23:23 pm
With regard to positive thinking, Ford has a great quote:
“If you think you can do a thing or think you can’t do a thing, you’re right.” - Henry Ford
John Says:
March 4th, 2008, 23:26 pm
Mr. Babauta,
This article has to be my favorite :) Thanks for sharing the insight.
Boon shankar.
Mike King Says:
March 4th, 2008, 23:29 pm
I think that the key to this whole article (which is great btw) is the practice component. All of these things seem obvious and even common sense to some people but when it comes to doing it, things fall apart. Picking one thing from this list and watching for the opportunity to practice it will make a HUGE difference.
I find turn the other cheek to be the most difficult and most significant when I can actually do it.
Maura Says:
March 4th, 2008, 23:32 pm
Leo, I see glimmers of your darker side creeping into this post. You write: ‘ “That which does not kill us only makes us stronger,” goes the famous saying. And while that’s not always true (sometimes we can be left weakened and ruined), I’ve found it to be true in most cases.’
While your messages are always upbeat and positive, it would be interesting to hear about your inner demons a bit more. Those still battling them (as I suspect we all are to an extent) may gain some useful insight from hearing that you have had them too and how you deal with them as you endeavor to follow your own advice, which you offer so eloquently and with the perspective that only comes from experience. Where does your strength, your inner warrior, come from?
I have seen life beat people down so low that they couldn’t recover, even with the best of advice and their best efforts to make the most of what they had dealt to them. We can only change ourselves, but I am perhaps naive enough still to think that people might be pursuaded to understand and care about how what they do affects other people and take some responsibility for the effects of their actions.
#7 - Turn the other cheek - with a huge majority of people in the US calling themselves “Christian,” there should be no need to remind people of this… and yet, it is so needed… as are many other teachings along those lines. “Love your neighbor as you love yourself.” Even if your neighbor isn’t your enemy… : )
(On a lighter note, I try to love my neighbor, but my vision is clouded by the smoke that she blows into my window… and I only see her when she’s outside smoking! I know I can do better, but this one has been tough for me… )
Ryan@ProspectingLIFE Says:
March 4th, 2008, 23:43 pm
I can’t agree more with you. The more we fail, the more we learn, the more learn about ourselves and the stronger we grow mentally. If we have lucky stars shining upon us and every goal we set out to achieve is smooth-sailing and without any setbacks, at the end of the day, we may have reached our objective, but we would have learnt nothing permanent out of it. Sometimes, the experience gained during a journey is more valuable than reaching the destination itself!
Leo Says:
March 4th, 2008, 23:48 pm
@Man with a Brain: Love your succinct critique of my post, but it would be more useful if you’d explain in more detail what objections you have. “Give me a break” isn’t much of an argument. :)
@Maura: Hmmm. My dark side … I’m not sure what exactly you mean. I definitely have inner demons, like anyone else … any pain that I might have caused my children (or even others for that matter) despite my best intentions still cause me anguish at times, for example. However, when I said that things can leave us weak and even ruined, I wasn’t referring to myself — it was more of an observation. :)
@Chris Austria: Sure, I can write a post on practicing patience. I have to admit that it’s something I still need to work on, but it can be an idea for sometime in the future.
Nikolai Says:
March 4th, 2008, 23:57 pm
Great post Leo!
It’s exactly the kind of tips I needed for my life!
Thanks again and keep it up,
Nikolai
Kelly Rigby Says:
March 5th, 2008, 0:17 am
Again Leo, I feel like we’re picking up the same vibes. I’ posted an article last night on the link between ATTITUDE and LUCK, using the same basic argument. How we see events, ourselves, and others is EVERYTHING, and it’s completely under our control.
Personally I believe it comes down to more than positive thinking. It’s really about accepting that the only thing we CAN CONTROL in this life is our own beliefs, attitude and actions. When we turn the other cheek we are not condoning someone’s’ behaviour, we are choosing to not carry around the anger we feel towards that person. carrying anger and negative feelings around only hurts us. I learned that lesson the hard way.
I also think you’ve missed a crucial point here: the power of STAYING IN THE MOMENT. I spent years trying to stay positive despite life’s knocks, and I can’t say it worked for me. But when I chose to put my energy into seeing everything as temporary and FOCUSING only on what I am DOING THIS VERY SECOND, it became so much easier to relax and let the negatives slide over me. It’ may feel bad now, but this moment will end and if I go with it, so will the pain.
A final note; part of “everything is temporary” is going with how you feel when something bad does happen. It’s fine to get upset, it’s healthy. But at some point, you have to choose to be present and let that which has passed fade into the background.
Cheers
Kelly
banji - LessonInLife.com Says:
March 5th, 2008, 1:17 am
My personal problem is exactly that… when people attack me with some negative comment, I will have to make some great effort to turn it into positive.
Most of the time, I try to remind myself that people are other people, we just CAN’T control what they say or how they respond. All I can do is to just control what I can do.. my reaction.
The earth will not end when people say bad things on you.
Nice reminder Leo, of how to be the bigger man
Kelly Says:
March 5th, 2008, 1:21 am
Leo…I’m new to your site and I am loving it. Reading your words is a great way for me to end my day, helping me to focus on feeling more centered. I am really learning a lot by how gracefully you respond to criticism. I hope to incorporate your great techniques the next time the opportunity arises.
Thank you,
Kelly
Eugene (Editor, Varsity Blah) Says:
March 5th, 2008, 1:40 am
I agree that it’s all in our heads. It’s like Stephen Covey talks about when he says we are not victims of circumstance. It’s all about understanding that we are in charge of our lives. We are the “programmers” and should take initiative to bring about whatever change we seek.
Many of us tend to point the finger at other people and blame outside circumstances for the way our lives are. How wrong! We are not products of genetic, psychic, or environmental determinism. We are not reactive beings held victim to an increasingly random world. We are in always in charge and we are always in control. We need to start blaming ourselves.
Stijepna Blazevic Cabach Says:
March 5th, 2008, 1:46 am
Thanks verry much for your advices. I don’t know if you’re reading this, and the answerd it’s probably not, but why don’t give it a try.
I try to read this blog once in a while, because i like it verry much, and i can apply it anytime of my life, to any day, and any situation, it allways give me something to improve for my self that will lead to a better “my self”.
But i have a problem with all these, i have bad memory, and doing all this changes in my life requier verry much practice and to recall all the changes y want to do, so maybe you have an advice to me.
Maybe the best thing to do is to make a list of long term challengs and short term, and then a to-do list with the sub-actions i have to do to achive this goals, one by one. That’s what i readed in this very blog
thanks again, thruly
PS: padron my english, i speak spanish as a first language
Miss Gisele from myBeautyMatch.com Says:
March 5th, 2008, 2:03 am
Leo,
It’s almost as if we had a telephone conversation about my fairily challenging week (and it’s only Tuesday).
My web site was unaccessible fore 3 days because of a server problem and it was impossible for me to get a hold of the server owner to fix the problem. I was not in control of the outcome and it was not an easy thing to handle.
The entire time I kept saying to myself: “everything will be ok, everything will be ok, everything will be ok”. My site did get back to normal, but I have to say that was 3 stressful days.
When I thought things were back to normal, I found out that my bank made a tech error that now will take weeks to solve…once again…I kept saying to myself: “it will all work out, it will all work out.”
I’ve got to tell you, that I turn these bad days into a somewhat good day because after reading sooooooooooo many books on self-development, the power of the mind, attracting good things into your life (and I didn’t mention the number of CD I’ve listened to and the number of seminars and workshops I’ve attended) … I know better, but Leo, in practice, these theories are NOT always easy to practice.
For every thought of: “it’s going to be okay” I also had about 20 thoughts of: “someone’s head is going to roll for this mistake” … I guess it’s like you said : “practice makes perfect”.
I’m far ( F-A-R) from perfect, but I’m practicing.
Thanks for a great post that might come in handy for the rest of the week :-))
Miss Gisele B.
ashish Says:
March 5th, 2008, 2:47 am
i liked your ‘makes you stronger’ point. in my personal experience all these troubles i have been through has only made me a better and stronger person.
Kristin Says:
March 5th, 2008, 3:06 am
Once again a great article at an even greater time…
I enjoyed the comments as much as the original post ~ there were some great perspectives shared.
Thank you to Leo and everyone else!
lorraine Says:
March 5th, 2008, 3:15 am
this is a very empowering article - thanks for sharing. i’ve been visiting Zen Habits since last summer and always look forward to your insights. this is probably my favorite post yet.
in recent years i’ve come to embrace the impact of perspective. how one perceives a problem can be viewed in different ways. you can let it be heavy, or you can realize that it is what it is. one time many years ago, i was at a party having conversations with strangers. i was going through something difficult that weekend, and i shared my story in a brief, matter-of-fact way with one or two people. i can recall a sense of unbearable lightness as i spelled out my problem to strangers. described without drama (so as not to scare away these newfound acquaintances), the heaviness dissipated - even if for just a little while.
i now look at challenges as opportunities. if i’m given a task at work that makes me feel that i am too indecisive, then i view my job as a decisiveness-building program. the workshops are not only free of charge, but i get paid to participate in them!
Mae Says:
March 5th, 2008, 3:16 am
Thanks for the post. I like the idea of diligently looking at things with a positive attitude - if only by the sheer force of will. As a side-note, I’m struck by some people’s cutting comments on this blog. Clearly, they must be looking at this website because they want to make positive changes to their way of thinking, so that’s certainly good. Because man, do they need it. :)
sandy Says:
March 5th, 2008, 4:28 am
This post is exactly what I needed to get me going today after many problems I’ve encountered the other day. Thanks! =)
nXqd Says:
March 5th, 2008, 4:36 am
I don’t have time to read it now. However I think in most situations, face the bad and DO is the best way :p
kaske Says:
March 5th, 2008, 4:38 am
These are definitely worthy advices. But we also need to be more realistic in order not to lose the perspective of life *arround* us. You see, everything is in the head, but you can’t wear my head, can you?
These advices are almost perfect prevention rules not to set yourself on “fire” in life. But, when the bad times come and fire is set on, for no matter which reasons, we need to “be like firemen”, with quite different approach.
Your list could hardly be applied to a 1944 “citizent” of Auschwitz or Buchenwald. It simply isn’t realistic, neither for the time nor for them.
The smallest and deepest part of our brain is our animal instinct and it’ just the intensity of a life situation that will determine when it will be “triggered”. It’s the subconscious that mostly lead us through life, not rational - rational is often just the tool of it.
However it is better to prevent, then to treat, that’s for sure…
Jeff - Science Says Says:
March 5th, 2008, 5:22 am
One of the coolest, simplest things I learned studying zazen was that the world exists in oppositional forces - think “It takes two to tango.” As much as someone is treating you badly, you may find you’re letting that happen by your inaction, or that they’re really just repeating negative things you think about yourself.
The amazing thing about these illogical misconceptions is that, as soon as you realize them, like grabbing a ball of dust, *POOF* they’re gone
Putta Says:
March 5th, 2008, 5:59 am
Practice is sometimes extremely hard when it comes to one’s expectations. I can keep cool with my staff or coworkers but I get heated up when it comes to my loved ones. It may sound weird but I think I’ve learned to expect more from my loved ones… I expect them to understand me to the extent that when they say or do something I’ve expected them NOT to, I become a demon… I can laugh it off when any of my coworkers commit something wrong. But with my loved ones, it is not easy for me to let go… What can I do? I often blurt out hurtful words without even thinking… So, I cannot even breathe slowly, I’ve lost it and acted out… I mainly do not talk nicely and forgive them in a way I should do… What should I do to correct myself in this situation?
Mary from goodlifezen.com Says:
March 5th, 2008, 6:26 am
“Seven times down, eight times up” I got this saying drilled into me during my 18 years of karate training. My son started karate at age 5. He had just started school and was fascinated by math. One day he said to me: “You know, ‘7 times up, 8 times’ is a weird saying. It only works if you start from lying down.”
What I learned from my karate training is never, ever to give up. But I think even more important is to understand that what I might experience as a ‘failure’ is simply a step of learning: ‘Learn to fail or fail to learn’.
Luke Says:
March 5th, 2008, 8:08 am
Thanks Leo,
I just started Year 11 (year=grade for us here in Australia) and suffering quite a bit from it. I have an english literature essay due soon and I just couldn’t bring myself to start it tonight. I thought that there was no point because it was going to be far too hard.
I should’ve realised that even trying to start it would greatly increase my chances of getting it done. A positive attitude always helps.
Eric Says:
March 5th, 2008, 8:41 am
Thank you, Leo!!! You nailed it! I am always trying to remind myself that it is all in my head.
It is how you look at things. Like the adage: Optimist says the glass is half full and the Pessimist says it is half empty.
BUT…
I would like to add to that the REALIST…
No matter if the glass is half empty or full, eventually you are going to have to refill it!!! ;)
Mary Says:
March 5th, 2008, 9:35 am
One of my favorite sayings - the only difference between a success and a failure is the failure only fails once. So, I try to view failures as a stepping stone to success. Thanks for the post Leo.
AJ Says:
March 5th, 2008, 9:47 am
One thing that helps me stay positive is when I listen to music, especially the happy and meaningful ones.
Try listening to “for now” by Avenue Q and you’ll realize that everything is just temporary.
Bobbi Says:
March 5th, 2008, 10:12 am
Leo, thanks for the Churchill quote. He’s one of my favorites. Another one of his that I’ve used a lot recently and shared with friends is something like: When you’re going through hell, keep going. Sometimes things are really bad, sometimes all you can do is keep going till you get out of it and eventually you will. One foot in front of the other.
dokidok Says:
March 5th, 2008, 10:20 am
#6. Have you seen the movie “Run Fatboy Run”?
#7. Yesterday in the gym, a guy called me “prick” for no reason. 3 times, just like this.
I ask him 3 times, “What is your problem”?
Initially I didn’t let this episode to disturb me, but later on
I started becoming more and more upset that I didn’t tell him directly what I think. I am sure that this
guy didn’t say it on purpose. I know also that he is not the smartest person on Earth, and I don’t want to
“stooping to his level”, that is why I didn’t want to get involved. I know that I don’t have to take personally what
other people say about me (they don’t care about me and they don’t mean what they say, they just have to say something), but I just let this one word to ruin few hours of my life.
And this thought for a revenge is always in my mind. I just don’t want to let him go without learning his lesson.
May be I need more practice and learn how to be patient:)
What is the best strategy in that type of situation, considering the fact that I am going to see the same person over and over again.
Overall, for 2 years I fixed many parts of my life, but I still have problems in dealing with toxic people.
We all know that the world is not perfect and there are bad moments in everybody’s life. Eventually this moments
will vanish. Yes, but how about a bad person you work with, and you have to see this person everyday. What are you going to do? He will never change. He/She will always look for a good opportunity to tell you something bad and make you feel down.
Yes, it is all in your head and you can change the way you react/feel in difficult situation but until when, you will let him/her doing that to you? Be patient? For how long?
Are you ready to cross the line and say in his/her face what you think. Is that going to change something in a long run. This kind of people just don’t get it even if you tell
them your opinion flat out. Do you have to look for another job (Leo, you said that you changed different jobs)? There are so many similar questions.
What is best way to deal with toxic people?
Thanks for the post!
kevinlow2u Says:
March 5th, 2008, 11:19 am
Leo,
I just watched “The Seven Spiritual Laws Of Success” by Deepak Chopra and i understand that “karma” is about action and consequences or “cause and effect”. (correct me if i am wrong).
I love your idea “flip over your karma” when thing does not happen in our expectation way. It definitely drag our energy down with lots of disempowering thought and feelings.
Flip over the karma is just working in state of mind to create new perspective that will empower us to move forward.
Your experience is inspiring with tips that will flip over what does not going right and back to the track and move on.
I always believe things happened for my own highest good.
:)
Love-Fun-Peace
Kevin Low
DavidJ Says:
March 5th, 2008, 11:23 am
Re: #1, wasn’t that a Zen saying: “From one thing, learn a thousand things”?
99ppp Says:
March 5th, 2008, 11:55 am
Your posts are coming across a bit formulaic, and repetitive Leo. But unlike many (most?) other of these blogs, I believe you come from a genuine place, while others are looking to cash in on other people’s anxieties.
Trying to find solutions to my chronic procrastination, there was a period that I was fascinated by productivity blogs, and thought some had interesting ideas. Then I saw a pattern emerging, a fixation with getting things done, the tyranny of the clock, and the problem of modern society running on a treadmill heading nowhere.
Sharing your perspective is indeed valuable. I don’t think you mean to come off sanctimonious or preachy, as there are numerous disclaimers within your posts, yet often that’s what occurs. Life often doesn’t fit in neat numbered lists, tips or how-tos. Stemming from that I wrote this post:
http://99ppp.wordpress.com/2008/02/07/how-to-or-10-ways-to-waste-time-reading-productivity-blogs/
paul v Says:
March 5th, 2008, 12:04 pm
this is my first comment on this site, but i was just thinking about this topic last night. one thing i find helps me break out of the self-depricating rut is to take some time to do something that i feel good about. for me, it’s art. when life has been particularly heavy handed, and i accomplish something positive on one of my paintings, it reminds me that i have value that transcends my job, or my current situation.
Art Gonzalez Says:
March 5th, 2008, 12:08 pm
Fantastic recommendations! Another tip that helps me a lot is to try to stay focused in the present. Worrying about the past or the future really affects your emotional level and creates unnecessary stress. In any case, only the present is where we can really have an effect.
Many blessings to all,
Art Gonzalez
Check my Squidoo Lens at: Quantum Knights
Jaxs Says:
March 5th, 2008, 12:24 pm
As a person who’s problems saturate each and every cell in my body, I can tell you, it’s very hard to let go. It’s as if the horrific pain is burnt in my skin. And having an almost photographic memory, you can see how the “external” can cling onto me for dear life.
However, for several years now, I have put into practice the advice in this post. Especially “It’s all in your head”.
It’s perception, people. The perception of “look what a terrible thing has happened to me!” At least that was my perception.
Now, having focused and concentrated in seeing the reality of “it’s all in my head” I am more free, I am more in control of my happiness, and I find the external no longer defines me…
Well, most of the time. =) This is a work in progress and it takes a while to undo so much mental damage. But the important thing is that I’ve found the key to let go. I have the tool now and the funny thing about it was, I had had it all along.
All I can tell you is, it really feels great to let all of it go.
As always, thanks for a great post Leo…
dokidok Says:
March 5th, 2008, 12:39 pm
@99ppp: interesting opinion. Probably Leo is the only one who gets HIS things done (I think somebody else said it before). I would like to see more real solutions for real situation. Some of Leo’s examples are not applicable in real life.
99ppp Says:
March 5th, 2008, 13:08 pm
@dokidok: I’ve no objection to sharing approaches to various issues, just with pat little bullet points suggesting that these complex human problems have some sort of formula. It’s fine in the technical realm, how to install, or troubleshoot software for example.
This blog is a noble attempt to reconcile spirituality and ambition, and lets face it, its often diametrically opposed.
Erin at Unclutterer Says:
March 5th, 2008, 13:14 pm
This will sound ridiculous, but it’s something that I keep at the back of my mind:
Remember in 1988 when Rob Lowe was caught on tape having sex with a 16-year-old girl during the Democratic National Convention? And now, he’s a clean-cut actor who gets paid a crap load of money to do shows like West Wing and Brothers and Sisters? Well, I’ve just always assumed that if Rob Lowe can get through a huge scandal, transform his life, and come out on the other side then pretty much anything is possible in life.
99ppp Says:
March 5th, 2008, 13:18 pm
@Erin: maybe he now learned not to have cameras around when fooling around with 16-year-olds.. ;)
StrangerInTheCity Says:
March 5th, 2008, 13:21 pm
Great article, Leo, and many great posts by others.
I grew up in a fairly dysfunctional family. My parents were often negative and taught me nothing about how to make the world my oyster. I didn’t get much encouragement and advice beyond ‘listen to what others tell you and don’t take crap from people.’ As a result I feel as though I’ve grown up fostering my parents’ state of mind and turning it into my own. I often think pessimistically, avoid challenges and fair arguments, even chalk crappy events up to my ‘bad luck.’
I do however, though I’m not religious, do onto others as I would want done to me, turn the other cheek (perhaps as a form of self-punishment), forgive, and forget. However, I often find myself acting like my father, and start back at rock bottom each time I have a series of not so cool events happen to me, and believe me, sometimes there are STRINGS of them.
I am interested in self help books, and was wondering if someone might recommend something to me in hope that I can change my perspective and obtain an ego boost. I plan to observe and participate with this Web site in hope that I can begin to relearn who I am and what I am capable of.
Also, I have what I feel is an important question. When you decide to do all that you can to think positively, to not let life get you down, and to get back up when it knocks you down, how do you keep from projecting an attitude of ‘I’m better than you’ to others? Often I am accused of having a ‘big head’ when I do think positively, or when I accomplish something. I suppose that has something to do with the social-economic status of the people I spend my time with?
Please help.
99ppp Says:
March 5th, 2008, 13:35 pm
@Stranger: Positive thinking is a neat panacea, to delude oneself everything is honky-dory when thinks truly suck. I attempt to ride the wave between the good and the suck, acknowledging the impermanence of each, and that each is necessary to recognize the other. Whether good or bad, it won’t last. That may be a comfort to you.. or a disappointment depending how things are going.. ;)
StrangerInTheCity Says:
March 5th, 2008, 13:49 pm
to: 99ppp - I share that wave with you (to recognize the good we need the bad). I always have. I need to train myself to ride the wave… differently.
Nanette Says:
March 5th, 2008, 13:54 pm
For some reason I am thinking this could somehow apply to my panic attacks and agoraphobia. I enjoy reading your stuff thoroughly, now if you could just help me relax or meditate with out getting freaked over my breathing or heart rate :-( Yikes
Anonymous Says:
March 5th, 2008, 14:08 pm
Love the site and this is a good article. But your “bad” karma is coming from not exercising? What if you had ruined two people’s lives by ignorance? How do you flip that?
Griffin Says:
March 5th, 2008, 14:37 pm
Leo -
Do you have any strategies for practicing patience? I know I’ve started to put this into practice by devoting a few moments each day towards pure patience. I work in an environment that allows me (lucky me) to practice this nearly ALL of the time…but sometimes even 5 solid minutes of patience is a tall order. How do you practice this fine art?
oakling Says:
March 5th, 2008, 15:51 pm
in a nutshell: replace that instinct to shame yourself with compassion and love!
samantha Says:
March 5th, 2008, 16:38 pm
This post reminds me of the time I was complaining about the new year. Since Jan 1st, something bad had happened every single day. In the second week, I was venting to a co-worker about it and how someone had hit me that morning, proving my point. He looked at me and said (to the effect) that the daily bad thing already happened and my day could only get better from that point on. It flipped a switch in my head and I’m trying to find the positive in everything.
Groove Momma Says:
March 5th, 2008, 17:05 pm
I’m starting a new project, so possible failure has been on my mind. But looking at failure as a way to learn and improve motivates me more than ever to continue with my venture. Thanks!
Aspiring Bodhisattva Says:
March 5th, 2008, 19:04 pm
Thank you for this post. If is just what I needed today. People seemed to be full of negativity and bitterness at work - resulted in making me feel that I should not bother trying to do my best there.
Jaxs Says:
March 5th, 2008, 19:44 pm
To: Nanette
I too suffered from panic attacks. They are horrible! No one know how it feels or what it’s about untill they have gone through it. But yes, finding a way to let go helps immensely.
My panic attacks are because I want to be in control. I want to control the external. And that causes my internal, my body to be OUT of control. When I figured out I can control my reaction, my thoughts, my feelings about the external, my panic attacks lessened quite a bit. Like I said before, it’s still a work in progress, I still suffer from them sporadically but it’s much less “painful” if you get my meaning.
With practice, you’ll be freer too. =)
Susan Says:
March 5th, 2008, 22:08 pm
For anyone suffering from anxiety or panic attacks, I highly recommend the book Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life, by Steven Hayes. It is based on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, and it can be a lifesaver. Your library might have a copy, or if not, then Amazon does.
Jonathan Mead Says:
March 5th, 2008, 23:29 pm
Great article Leo. I especially liked “turning the other cheek”. There’s no need for us to take anything personally that anyone else does, because it really has nothing to do with us. They’re dealing with themselves. When we realize this, we can forgives others easily and really love them for who they are, without expectations.
Leo Says:
March 5th, 2008, 23:34 pm
@Griffin … maybe I’ll write up a post on that soon. Thanks for the suggestion! Someone else suggested it too. :)
Maura Says:
March 5th, 2008, 23:48 pm
Leo, I just meant that you have struggles too as you try to be positive and organized and all the good things you give us tips on doing. You give us the tips, but do not always share the struggles that you have getting to your goals. You have a special strength that allows you to effectively implement your strategies, while some of your readers (me a bit perhaps!) find it easier to read and comment on them! It would just be interesting to hear that side of your thoughts. Or maybe it’s a part of yourself you don’t focus on?
My comment about people who are too beaten down to get up didn’t have anything to do with you… True, but not about your or me. It was just a segue (obviously poorly done!).
Steph Says:
March 6th, 2008, 11:21 am
Leo, you are the best! Thanks for the wonderful article. :)
Just wanted to add a mental trick that I’ve found that assists you to turn the other cheek (#7):
- Believe in the innate existence of good in everyone.
Through this belief, I can help justify others actions/words and control the injustice that I feel. That is, they may have excusable reasons for doing or saying what they do - they don’t really mean it!
In psychology, they call it transference. Usually when we treat others poorly, it’s a reflection of our own issues. This way, I can control my reaction to others and avoid taking anything too personally.
Thinking this way, I can forgive others more easily and accept them for being fallible humans, just like me.
Thanks again, Leo. Keep up the fabulous work!!!
k Says:
March 6th, 2008, 12:09 pm
Turn the other cheek? That in practice sounds great and all but in the real world someone will just slap you on the other side of your face. Learn when to turn and when to stand up for yourself. Learn when to push back and when to take a little shove here and there. Do not be a pussy but do not be an asshole. Stand up for your rights, family, friends, and your freedom. Cause if someone is taking those things away I would hope you would not turn the other cheek and let the atrocity commence. There are times and situations for everything and sooner or later the foot needs to be put down.
Steve R. Says:
March 6th, 2008, 12:14 pm
There is a saying I keep in mind - “Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% what you do with it”. I’m 39, and that is so true, in my experience. Your points are familiar, but it is always good to re-learn what we already know - helps keep us maximizing the 10% we get… and improving yields on the other 90%.
Cindy Says:
March 6th, 2008, 12:30 pm
Training your brain to flip to the positive is easier than you think. When I was 13 I had a mad crush on a boy in school. Everything reminded me of him for months. I couldn’t stop thinking about him - it was true teenage angst. I finally got so sick of it that I trained myself to recognize when my mind wondered to romantic thoughts of him. When I was aware of it I would think of something else - any thing else. Elephants wearing underwear, grannies sipping beer whatever! Eventually my thoughts were so ridiculous that the thought of him was gone and I moved on. Crazy I know but it’s kept many a sugary afternoon snack from hitting my lips!
Helder Says:
March 6th, 2008, 13:07 pm
The quote that keeps going through my head lately has been: “Why do we fall down, sir? So that we might better learn to pick ourselves up.” (Cheesiness: it comes from Batman Begins) Frankly, this article just builds on that and helps out. Thanks for all the great advice.
George Says:
March 6th, 2008, 13:12 pm
That’s a lot of type to remind us of how effective self-delusion can be.
Lukas Says:
March 6th, 2008, 13:38 pm
Nice article… I feel inspired now… Thanks for this!
You got my bookmark!
Olivia McKinsey Says:
March 6th, 2008, 14:12 pm
Leo - I have adopted just these points of view and have dramatically changed my attitude, life, and happiness. In fact, we’ve deemed 2008 “The year of happiness” in our family!
One thing that I would like to add to your tips is to “Start saying yes”.
So many times - and I’m thinking specifically of my children - my automatic answer to them was “No”. Can I have a piece of candy? No. Will you play with me? No. Will you please…? No. I have found that since I’ve started changing all of the “Nos” that hinged on my attitude - not physically impossible, but attitudinally (nice word, huh?) impossible - to saying YES, our household is a lot happier and the change has positively infected my children and my husband.
Peace.
BwanaYak Says:
March 6th, 2008, 14:33 pm
I’m an avid whitewater kayaker (a fantastic way to gain perspectives about life, by the way), and the very hardest thing to learn about whitewater kayaking is to control your reaction to what is presented before you. If you let your fear take control you are much much more likely to have a bad experience.
One of my kayaking gurus likes to say “it is what it is, not what you think it is.” The same concept applies to pretty much everything in life: good, bad, easy, hard, work, play… these are all judgments we apply to things that have no intrinsic emotional value. Once you realize that, it becomes an exercise in changing the labels we apply, or simply not applying any label at all. Do what needs to be done. Enjoy it if you want to.
Aralis Says:
March 6th, 2008, 16:18 pm
Hi! Loved the post, i’ve been following a similar aproach to my life for some time now, and if anything i feel more in control of my life… but the turn the other cheek is hard… i try to “teach” my husband but he’s just to pessismistic… i have to be optimist in double to hang on, and endure some hardships…but well.. no regrets ever!
Have a great life everyone!
p.s: Hope you don’t mind but i recommend your link in my personal blog http://aralisiri.blogspot.com/.
Thank you
Joel Says:
March 6th, 2008, 16:23 pm
>in the real world someone will just slap you on the other side of your face.
The bible doesn’t say anything about an “other” cheek. It’s very specific about right and left cheeks. Forcing someone to hit the other side of your face is precisely the idea.
Jesus grew up in the Middle East, and you might have heard they’re really particular about left hands. If someone strikes you on your right cheek (the situation Jesus mentions), they’re backhanding you. Under the laws of 1st century Judea, it was illegal to backhand someone of the same status: Roman citizens could backhand jews, men could backhand women, but backhanding an equal (not to mention a superior) carried stiffer penalties than physically assaulting them.
Jesus advised his followers to turn their left cheek so that, rather than a symbolic insult, the hypothetical attacker would be forced to box as an equal and admit that the legal power difference was bogus, or to back down and settle things verbally.
If you read the surrounding passage with some historical context, it’s actually a primer in what I call uncivil obedience: e.g., if someone sues the pants off of you, literally hand him your underwear. Ditto for going the extra mile.
Cindy @ LifeLovesMe Says:
March 6th, 2008, 17:49 pm
I certainly agree with seeing obstacles as a challenge. If you see them as a challenge that you can win, it becomes a lot more fun. Having a “bring it on” attitude is what keeps me going once life throws something random my way.
Lately, I’ve also been feeling lucky for having so many challenges. I feel that life is interested enough in me to throw me challenges and so I wouldn’t exchange it for a dull, uneventful life. Besides, obstacles build character!
ryan Says:
March 6th, 2008, 19:38 pm
I stumbled upon your blog today and this post just caught my eye. Your testimony about not being able to stick to exercising? That really struck a chord with me, as I often have the exact same problem… I say to myself “run, pump out some pushups, do some situps, just do SOMETHING!”, then I find myself lying on my back staring at the ceiling.
Thank you so much for your inspirational advice about making big problems into small ones.
solkem Says:
March 6th, 2008, 20:12 pm
an excellent article that i have found to be relevant as i am going through difficult times. Shari: i do not exactly agree with you that positive thinking gives us a false sense that we are in control, the truth is WE ARE IN CONTROL! just a change of attitude will affirm this.
Steve Says:
March 7th, 2008, 2:48 am
Great post Leo. This seems to be common sense but it’s easily forgotten.
Paul Says:
March 7th, 2008, 10:23 am
Parallel to your blog’s essential idea is that pain is a sensation. It’s an uncomfortable sensation, yes; but when we allow our brain to automatically label it as ‘pain,’ it becomes something harder to deal with.
I find that if I label pain as just another sensation and explore it a little bit, I can handle it just a bit longer. This goes a long way in Zen sitting or on the mat doing martial arts.
Lucas Says:
March 7th, 2008, 10:29 am
My god, I hate these self improvement things. Don’t people realise that they are who they are. If you are lazy, if you don’t want to do something, it’s not because you are incorrect in your emotions/feelings. It’s just because you don’t freakin wanna do it.
Just do what you want, feel however you end up feeling. What will be, will be.
Over time your perceptions on life and how you lead it will change naturally in a way that deals best with each situation. You don’t need to tell yourself how to do it, or try “to improve” (you don’t need improving, it’s not as if your broken, you don’t need fixing, it’s just how you are), it’ll just work on its own without any effort. Let your emotions drive you, dwelling too long on how you should improve will only ever lead to incorrect decisions because you will automatically do what you think you should be doing rather than doing what you want to do.
Seeker Says:
March 7th, 2008, 11:48 am
Thanks for the input Leo. Have you read the book “Mindset”? It reflects on the benefits of a growth mindset which is what you are proposing here.
I needed your affirmation. I am being beaten down by a closed mindset boss and I’m just trying to get through my contract (ends June 30) before I can move on to start my own business. Before I read your post, I just read another attacking email from the boss leaving me discouraged. But I’m just going to put it percpective and focus on my next step (my new business). I am going to use the beatings as encouragement that I am headed in the right direction and can be successful and in the right place with the new business. Thanks for the post. I needed to read it!
