“Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That’s why it’s a comfort to go hand in hand.” - Emily Kimbrough
While I can’t claim to be the world’s foremost expert on relationships, I do know that my wife and I have a very strong marriage, and have never been more in love.
I’ve failed at marriage before, but that’s helped me become better at it. I’ve learned the deadly sins of relationships, and how to recognize them and avoid them.
A reader, newly married, asked me to share my tips on how to make a marriage work. I wish I had a magic formula, but here’s a simple list of tips:
- spend time alone together;
- appreciate each other;
- be intimate often;
- talk and share and give.
But just as important as what you should do is what you shouldn’t do — and I’m sure many of you have stepped into these pitfalls yourselves. I know I have. I’ve learned from my mistakes, and have learned to recognize when I’m making a fatal error, and how to correct it.
If you can avoid these seven things, and focus instead on doing the four things above, you should have a strong relationship. I’m not going to guarantee anything, but I’d give you good odds. :)
- Resentment. This is a poison that starts as something small (”He didn’t get a new roll of toilet paper” or “She doesn’t wash her dishes after she eats”) and builds up into something big. Resentment is dangerous because it often flies under our radar, so that we don’t even notice we have the resentment, and our partner doesn’t realize that there’s anything wrong. If you ever notice yourself having resentment, you need to address this immediately, before it gets worse. Cut it off while it’s small. There are two good ways to deal with resentment: 1) breathe, and just let it go — accept your partner for who she/he is, faults and all; none of us is perfect; or 2) talk to your partner about it if you cannot accept it, and try to come up with a solution that works for both of you (not just for you); try to talk to them in a non-confrontational way, but in a way that expresses how you feel without being accusatory.
- Jealousy. It’s hard to control jealousy if you feel it, I know. It seems to happen by itself, out of our control, unbidden and unwanted. However, jealousy, like resentment, is relationship poison. A little jealousy is fine, but when it gets to a certain level it turns into a need to control your partner, and turns into unnecessary fights, and makes both parties unhappy. If you have problems with jealousy (like I once did), instead of trying to control them it’s important that you examine and deal with the root issue, which is usually insecurity. That insecurity might be tied to your childhood (abandonment by a parent, for example), in a past relationship where you got hurt, or in an incident or incidents in the past of your current relationship.
- Unrealistic expectations. Often we have an idea of what our partner should be like. We might expect them to clean up after themselves, to be considerate, to always think of us first, to surprise us, to support us, to always have a smile, to work hard and not be lazy. Not necessarily these expectations, but almost always we have expectations of our partner. Having some expectations is fine — we should expect our partner to be faithful, for example. But sometimes, without realizing it ourselves, we have expectations that are too high to meet. Our partner isn’t perfect — no one is. We can’t expect them to be cheerful and loving every minute of the day — everyone has their moods. We can’t expect them to always think of us, as they will obviously think of themselves or others sometimes too. We can’t expect them to be exactly as we are, as everyone is different. High expectations lead to disappointment and frustration, especially if we do not communicate these expectations. How can we expect our partner to meet these expectations if they don’t know about them? The remedy is to lower your expectations — allow your partner to be himself/herself, and accept and love them for that. What basic expectations we do have, we must communicate clearly.
- Not making time. This is a problem with couples who have kids, but also with other couples who get caught up in work or hobbies or friends and family or other passions. Couples who don’t spend time alone together will drift apart. And while spending time together when you’re with the kids or other friends and family is a good thing, it’s important that you have time alone together. Can’t find time with all the things you have going on — work and kids and all the other stuff? Make time. Seriously — make the time. It can be done. I do it — I just make sure that this time with my wife is a priority, and I’ll drop just about anything else to make the time. Get a babysitter, drop a couple commitments, put off work for a day, and go on a date. It doesn’t have to be an expensive date — some time in nature, or exercising together, or watching a DVD and having a home-cooked dinner, are all good options. And when you’re together, make an effort to connect, not just be together.
- Lack of communication. This sin affects all the others on this list — it’s been said many times before, but it’s true: good communication is the cornerstone of a good relationship. If you have resentment, you must talk it out rather than let the resentment grow. If you are jealous, you must communicate in an open and honest manner to address your insecurities. If you have expectations of your partner, you must communicate them. If there are any problems whatsoever, you must communicate them and work them out. Communication doesn’t just mean talking or arguing — good communication is honest without being attacking or blaming. Communicate your feelings — being hurt, frustrated, sorry, scared, sad, happy — rather than criticizing. Communicate a desire to work out a solution that works for you both, a compromise, rather than a need for the other person to change. And communicate more than just problems — communicate the good things too (see below for more).
- Not showing gratitude. Sometimes there are no real problems in a relationship, such as resentment or jealousy or unrealistic expectations — but there is also no expression of the good things about your partner either. This lack of gratitude and appreciation is just as bad as the problems, because without it your partner will feel like he or she is being taken for granted. Every person wants to be appreciated for all they do. And while you might have some problems with what your partner does (see above), you should also realize that your partner does good things too. Does she wash your dishes or cook you something you like? Does he clean up after you or support you in your job? Take the time to say thank you, and give a hug and kiss. This little expression can go a long way.
- Lack of affection. Similarly, everything else can be going right, including the expression of gratitude, but if there is no affection among partners then there is serious trouble. In effect, the relationship is drifting towards a platonic status. That might be better than many relationships that have serious problems, but it’s not a good thing. Affection is important –everyone needs some of it, especially from someone we love. Take the time, every single day, to give affection to your partner. Greet her when she comes home from work with a tight hug. Wake him up with a passionate kiss (who cares about morning breath!). Sneak up behind her and kiss her on the neck. Make out in the movie theater like teen-agers. Caress his back and neck while watching TV. Smile at her often.
- Bonus sin: Stubbornness. This wasn’t on my original list but I just thought about it before publishing this post, and had to add it in. Every relationship will have problems and arguments — but it’s important that you learn to work out these problems after cooling down a bit. Unfortunately, many of us are too stubborn to even talk about things. Perhaps we always want to be right. Perhaps we never want to admit that we made a mistake. Perhaps we don’t like to say we’re sorry. Perhaps we don’t like to compromise. I’ve done all of these things — but I’ve learned over the years that this is just childish. When I find myself being stubborn these days, I try to get over this childishness and suck it up and put away my ego and say I’m sorry. Talk about the problem and work it out. Don’t be afraid to be the first one to apologize. Then move past it to better things.
“I felt it shelter to speak to you.” - Emily Dickinson
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151 brilliant comments
It’s really nice to see beautiful 2nd marriage success stories.
–Clay
Where does Jesus fit into all that? Saw no mention of the heavenly father.
The biggest deadly sin I have come across in marriage is thinking you have to take care of the other person and are responsible for how they feel. Spouses cannot continuously prop each other up. Both people need to take care of themselves and as a friend says “Grow themselves up” When you are stong on your own with who you are, you’ll be strong together!
@Steve: Jesus is the center of it!
Corey over at http://www.simplemarriage.net has great advice on marriage!
John Gottman has uncovered the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse. Stonewalling, defensiveness, criticism, and contempt. When these are present, the likelihood of an unhappy marriage or divorce increases.
I like your take on the sins to avoid in marriage. Good advice as always.
Yeah, ’cause Jesus was an expert at marriage.
Many people think that a relationship has to work. Somehow they think it operates like a machine. When it stops or fails you just fix it and make it work again.
Just drop the idea that it has to work and it takes away the pressure. Enjoy the good times and enjoy the bad time.
Cheers
Thomas Herold
CEO Dream Manifesto
Somebody should make a movie out of your list . . .
They could call it 7EVEN, oops, I meant 8IGHT
Good list. I’ll make sure my wife reads it.
I’m also going to add this to my list of MrAchievement’s Top Positionings of the Week.
MrAchievement
Stanley Bronstein
Attorney, CPA, Author, Blogger & Professional Motivational Speaker
I am not married yet, and recently broke up with my GF. But you have some great points that I should remember for the future. Specially stubburness, I am a very stubborn individual; that’s something that i have to work on.
Such a great article. @Laurie–your comment should be the P.S. on that piece! I agree 100%. I find myself slipping on some of these points and I know I need to be more aware, but at the same time we cannot be responsible for making each other happy–we have to make ourselves happy first, and then we will have something to bring to the relationship.
Reminds me of “Blink” by Malcom Gladwell…
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blink_(book)
He wrote a section on relational surveys done by uber-psychology-professionals… they always saw resentment as the first indication the relationship would undergo stress and difficulty. Good call.
@Steve: I have to admit pal, I think Leo’s posts are doing a much better job representing Kindness than most of your comments. Keep it in context, my friend.
If I had to pick one thing to watch out for in a marriage, it would be selfishness. (I think it includes all the things mentioned above.) It’s so important to be able for someone to put their spouse before themselves!
Incorporating principles of selfLESSness can make all the difference. It can be difficult to do, and requires a conscious decision, but the result of putting your spouse before yourself is a happier marriage and a happier home.
http://www.LivSimpl.com
Hey man, thanks for sharing. I’m a young(er) 27 year old guy who is still just making his way through the relationship jungle. Sharing is caring.
I recently told a friend of mine who called me with a relationship struggle that I have no clue, but at least if we’re lost we can be lost together.
We’ll all get there someday.
Much Peace, Leo.
Great advice Leo!! I’m getting married this July and your advice as a happily married person is invaluable to me as I embark on this most important journey of my lifetime with the person I love.
Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom with us :-)
My wife and I have been married for almost a year and our secret to success has been our small group from church. There’s so much relief when you’re gathered with a group of newlyweds that have been through the same situations you have. So there you have it…my tip is to join a small group at your church.
Jesus and prayer are my other secrets ;)
P.S. We’re expecting our first baby boy this August!
I’d say the deadliest thing - for any relationship, but especially a marriage - is contempt.
It’s absolutely toxic, and while sometimes it seems justified, and sometimes allows you to feel morally superior, it is doubly dangerous: Not only is contempt unendurable to your partner, but, over time, it will erode your own capacity for good will (with or without your partner). It grows when you are not looking, so you have to be very careful not to let it in to begin with.
I am a 31 year old man who has been married nine years. Its a decade this december! I have suffered every one of those sins. And when you think its licked, the problem takes you down.
But the one thing I don’t see mentioned much, is being proactive. If your car starts to make a noise you take it to the shop right away. But if you and your wife have a fight, you go to bed and never finish dealing with it until one day your in a therapists office!
My wife and I agreed never to sleep till every issue was solved. Lot of sleepless nights! Especially in the beginning. But we are still here and still happy. When you never give up, even the big mistakes can be gotten over.
Having the same moral guide helps too, thank you God! No pun intended… ;)
Long-time married, and if we’re going to add things, I may as well as — a sense of humor, which really is based on not taking yourself so seriously!
L’Chaim
Leo -
Great list. I can’t agree with you more on the need to spend quality time together. I was lacking in that area and lately after making time alone a priority - I have seen great deal of love from my wife that I’ve never seen since we’ve been married.
Thanks
Shilpan
“When you love someone, you love the whole person, as they are, and not as you’d like them to be.” – Leo Tolstoy
(Great article!)
Loving everyone’s contribution to this discussion!
@Jonathan: Congrats on the baby!
@Steve: While my religion is definitely a central part of my marriage, I don’t believe in pushing my religious beliefs on others. There are many happy couples who aren’t Christian, and I believe that a good relationship is possible no matter what your religion, so I tried to stay religion-neutral here.
I would just like to point out that I’m just a figment of your imagination. I was made up by some very silly people and have been abused by power hungry mad men for about 2 millennia now. Please stop this nonsense. Oh, and about my father .. he ain’t that great. He drank. A lot.He too was a figment of your imagination.
@Steve: What about the Judaic and Islamic God? What about Hinduism, Buddhism, Taoism, and even Atheism and Agnostics who don’t view Jesus in the same way that Christians do? Are they not just as able to have a successful marriage?
If anything, the regions of America that have the highest instance of church attendance and belief in the Christian God (the Southern Protestant Bible belt) also have the highest instances of divorce in the country. Maybe Jesus needs to be number 8…
In my 18 year long relationship I have found that two things matter:
The willingness to work things out and simply hanging on when times get tough.
But I wouldn’t know how to teach either of these.
in my several relationship im always broke up because she is different religion with me how will i found better ladies in the future .
and i hope go d will semt me a girl with the same religion with me amen
There’s a very famous saying ” Marry someone who you can talk to, because in time when everything else fades, talking to each other is the only thing you can do”
Communication is just that important. It is the basis of all relationship. What difference will it be if after marriage you still didn’t talk and care to each other. Unfortunately this is where we usually fail to recognize. Our lack of communication skill.
Maybe a continuation of this post should be how to improve communication skill in a relationship
Thanks for the read. I will mail the article to my girlfriend ;-)
Thanks. I needed to read this. :)
Stubbornness has to be the killer…
On a related but rather different note, I did a Seven Deadly Sins for Scientists item when the “new” sins were announced recently.
db
I think good communication is the key. Probably you don’t need to say everything what is in your mind. But surely you need to talk about the things that affect your relationship. And it means you have to make some priorities, to chose what is important and preferably to discuss it with your partner.
A week ago my wife and I sat and talked about the bunch of needless things we had stored at our home. We argue a little but agree that we have to free from the stuff. Not everything was thrown away. It just was the first round of our common brainstorming. We like it and I would like to continue in this way of sharing and solving the problems.
I don’t get it- spend time alone or together? Is that a typo?
Been guilty on several counts, that’s why no relationship is perfect I guess. Often I become complacent in a relationship and took my other half for granted, which normally resulted in resentment of course. That is why communication is key, because if we did not communicate this problem, it could’ve fester and exploded one day.
@Steve:
Please, spare me. Aren’t their religious whacko sites for you to post on? Hindus, Muslims, Jews, athiests, Neo-Pagans, agnostics, and people who just generally have a life also have relationships, you know.
@Maria ~
It’s not a typo… spend together “alone together” means to spend time with one another but without kids or others around.
That’s tricky for us because we are in business together often talk about “business” during that “alone together” time until one of us says “no more business talk”… just “husband and wife talk”.
I am definitely printing this one out to review… I think I need these tips more than my husband. :-)
Leo,
I really enjoyed that list. Just got married last August to my long-time best friend and I think having shared core beliefs ( faith, principles, values, basic wants/needs out of life is a key indicator)
It took me failing few times to get the concept of that “evenly-yoked” thing, but its right on the money.
Everything else on your list ia also very key..Especially be together and enjoying each others company.
Been together with my husband for 18 years (married 13). One important part of “Unrealistic Expectations” is when we expect the other person will change. Even worse is thinking we have the ability to change him / her…
I appreciate your list. It occurs to me that everything on that list is an offshoot of unrighteous pride. Pride that is self-centered, self-absorbing, and focused on your needs and wants instead of looking outside yourself, of giving your all to your partner, and I’m not talking doormats. In my own marriage, I have found that when I start worrying about myself and my needs, the magic leaves.
This is probably the most succint and valuable relationship advice I’ve ever seen. If you follow these, you certainly have a much greater chance at success. I’m coming up on 10 years of marriage and we’ve had many struggles during that time - and have fallen into many of those 8 sins. If there’s anything one can underestimate, it’s how much focused attentioin and effort a healthy relationship takes. While good chemistry is key - they’re never automatic and one can never become complacent.
I have to agree with the appreciation one. My girlfriend of almost 2 years, just moved out of town and even though I knew she would be leaving, I don’t think I maximized the time we spent together. We sometimes have the communication issue, but I try to work through it being that I’m usually (in past relationships) the one who’s closed off…now in my current relationship we’re both closed and stubborn (but Ima changing).
After evaluating everything in my current relationship I can say I think that she is the one and we have a good chance at success which on Aug 18, I’ll ask my girlfriend to marry me.
http://fundthering.com/our-story-2
Leo,
Very nice, compact summation!
My 14 years of marriage have been amazingly blessed since we are soul mates at a very profound level. Despite this, the one thing I tend to fall into is taking my husband for granted. This week I let my writing time get between us, making it more important than his need to talk. Sometimes we are more cordial to bosses or friends than to our long suffering spouses! I have to put the brakes on my urge “to do” and take time just “to be” — in this case, “to be” in love.
I’ve been in a relationship for almost 8 years now, and I have found ONE thing Dr. Phil and I agree on - you can be happy, or you can be right. Rarely do the 2 go together.
Looks like Steve got what he wanted, which was everyone taking notice.
I have been with my girlfriend for 21 years, (22 this December),we are not married and probably will not get married. I did not want that in the beginning and she does not want that now, although I would. Not sure why as we are not religious people at all, although I think it would be for the kids sake.
Some of the things in that list are things we have done, and even still do, for example I don’t think that we communicate enough etc, but I’ve never been a jealous person.
But how have we stayed together so long? I think we just both wanted to be there for each other and did what needed to be done, but that’s not to say that we don’t have problems.
Nice post though, I enjoed reading it, and may “Borrow it” although credit would be given.
What I found important on my example is taking part in each other’s interests. Supporting them and helping your significant one with his/her new ideas - in any possible way - gets you two closer.
I saw so many examples of people ignoring each other’s dreams, activities and wishes, what often led to drifting apart.
It’s a pity that people let themselves to so be childish and intolerant, not understanding what it may lead to.
I wish those couples realizing own mistakes could teach own kids to be more attentive, kind, tolerant and understanding.
Great post and thanks!
Leo, another great post. It’s great to hear from someone who learned from the past (the good and bad). Life will keep throwing the same lesson at you until you learn it.
One thing my wife and I did was plan on staying married. We spent more time on that instead of making our wedding perfect. Our focus was on how we would stay close (and get closer), our finances, future kids, etc…
Since then, we decide that we love each other. We decide that our spouse is the most important thing in our life. It is a choice, one that we have made every day for 17 years. While we have been blessed, we have also gone through hard times. This is when you are tested. This is when the choice is more than lip service.
Great list Leo. I hope this helps some relationships that might be on rocky ground.
A few comments:
1) I agree with the responses to Steve’s comment, especially Leo’s: can we please stop trying to force our religious beliefs on others? We need to start thinking a bit more respectfully about all the world’s different religions (including those of us that don’t believe in any religions-we may believe in God, but not the man-made concept of religion). Religion is a very personal decision - I have the problem right now that my parents don’t understand why I stopped going to a Christian church - it’s very hard for them to accept that I made a personal, spiritual decision to stop.
2) Often how the parents’ relationship was/is can have a huge impact on how their kids handle their relationships. We need to be aware of that and ensure that we don’t just repeat how our parents were/are.
3) Both people in a relationship must first be happy with themselves and be on the path to finding inner peace - if they don’t have that, then any inner unhappiness or turmoil usually surfaces and is “taken out on” their partner. Yes, they can both work together and help each other to find inner peace (as my wife and I are doing), but sometimes that road can be a bit rocky, so the relationship needs to be very strong to survive.
4) Finally you cannot rely too heavily on a partner for your own happiness and inner peace. Things change and relationships end, sometimes sadly by the death of one partner. So make sure that your partner/relationship is not all that you have that makes you happy, otherwise when it ends you won’t have anything worth living for (and we’ve all heard the stories of people committing suicide when they lose their partner).
Marc
Great post! The only thing I would add is don’t try to change the person you’re with. I guess that comes in with unrealistic expectations, but so many people (and I have been one of them) fall for the potential of a partner. They like the basic mould but think it could be improved upon. They then spend years trying to do that, which means they’re not actually loving and accepting the individual they’re married to. In my experience this is a recipe for disaster and misery for all concerned.
Sometmes people change and marriages end, other times you just need to adjust your expetations of each other and learn to let stuff slide, but what will never work is trying to turn your partner into the man/woman you WANT THEM TO BE.
Nice work here, Leo. I DIGG it!
Kelly
I don’t see a need to get married to enjoy a great relationship. Many place some added importance and credibility to married couples, yet I don’t. I’ve been coupled with my lover for almost 11 years, and we both don’t see the need to have the state or a church validate our love.
More at: A Case Against Marriage: http://99ppp.wordpress.com/2008/02/04/a-case-against-marriage/
@LivSimpl: Never, ever put anybody before yourself. It won’t work out - you’ll just betray both of you.
Take care for yourself first - your spouse is able to take care of his/herself as well. If you get that reversed, you’re basically questioning your partner’s ability to take care of him/herself. So both of you will be stuck in the “I want to be an adult, but actually I’m trying to help my partner getting an adult” department.
That’s another sin I’d add to the list (I’m struggling with it myself): Trying to “fix” your partner, knowing better,
“helping” etc.
I need to remember myself and realise: She is grown-up. She knows how to take care of herself. It’s her responsibility. It’s her decision, even if the decision looks “wrong” to me.
Actually, this should be a consequence of appreciating your partner.
Tino.
It’s just nice to see that so many people really care about marriage. My parents were divorced and remarried and my mother is on her third divorce now and with all the divorce statistics it’s hard for a young adult (I’m 22) to believe marriage is a good choice at all. Leo, I don’t know how you have such amazing insight, but thanks!
This comment “but the result of putting your spouse before yourself is a happier marriage and a happier home.” definitely doesn’t ring true in the long run. If you don’t take care of yourself and personal interests you become to dependent on each other for your esteem and personal valuations. You both need to place marital interests at the same level, but continue to develop and honor yourself. You will ultimately lose yourself and your marriage if you don’t.
These seem to be the keys to avoid! I know because I have been married to the same great woman for 16 years. Of course, I have learned the hard way on most of these. Where were you when I started?!?
Seriously, I hope a lot of people read these and heed the advice. Divorce is tearing our children up. We need to save our families!
funkright — I think it is a balance between selfless sacrifice and healthy boundary setting.
The keys to a successful marriage: (1) taking care of yourself (i.e. Fountainhead-ish selfishness) and (2) having separate bathrooms :)
http://blakeneven.blogspot.com/
I’d add another trap that may or may not apply to everyone: thinking you’re immune to problems. In my first marriage, I was so certain that we had the perfect marriage that I ignored problems until they were insurmountable.
One of the best pieces of advice I ever got is that married couples should spend at least 15 hours alone together each week, awake and not watching movies… just together like they used to when they were dating.
I read it in MarriageBuilders, an internet ezine / website.
When couples complain about the amount of time “required” the author tells people to imagine that they are having a secret affair with a hot member of the opposite sex, and what extraordinary lengths they would go to in order to _make_ the time to see their lover.
Good point, I thought.
Always on the negative side, I seem to be… These are great tips, Leo, but from my experiences, I have often found the opposite (in its extreme) to also be true. On the positive side, I’ll turn your “Deadly Sins” (which I agree with) into a “Do List”:
1. Be Jealous - a little, sometimes! (Never being jealous can tell your man you don’t care if he’s there for you or not.)
2. Set Expectations - fairly, realistically. Being too lenient means you’ll be unfairly leaned on and used.
3. Make Time to be Apart - sometimes too much of a good thing spoils it. Bring something new to the relationship by spending time on yourself, and then sharing it with your partner.
4. Communicate Selectively - sometimes, it’s the things we don’t say that protect the relationship and make it stronger.
5. Keep Your Hands to Yourself - for a while. Too clingy, cloying or available. Sometimes a break in the action makes being together again that much sweeter. Just ask an observant Jewish couple. (My nod to Steve. BTW, Jesus wasn’t Christian.)
6. Thank Yourself - sometimes. In other words, stop being on the take all the time and do some things that your partner will be grateful you’re doing every now and then, too. Also, appreciate in yourself what you bring to the relationship.
7. Be Very Stubborn - about staying in a committed relationship. That’s the glue that will hold you together through the bad stuff.
8. There’s no Upside to Resentment.
Peace.
I would have to agree with Blake.
Maintaining a healthy self is the key to all relationships. If you don’t love yourself, how can you love someone else?
I would also add that you must be willing to define roles within the relationship so that expectations are clear and predictable. Occasionally, it’s worth switching these roles up.
Ryan
http://www.mofata.com
I’ve got a couple to add:
1. Let go of ego, it’s not all about you. It shouldn’t be a power struggle, it should be a partnership.
2. Realize it’s a 100/100% deal, not 50/50%. If you both give 100% TO EACH OTHER, the rewards are immense.
3. Give more than you get. Hopefully your partner will do the same. Win-Win.
4. Try not to bring past relationship baggage with you. You are NOT the same person you were with X, your partner is not the same person they were with X. Hopefully, you’ve learned from the past mistakes and grown. Don’t project your X’s faults on every future partner you have. They are their own person. They are NOT X.
Just my 2 cents.
Steve, Jesus doesn’t fit here, otherwise it’d be ménage à trois. ;)
very good blog, congratulations
regard from Catalonia Spain
thank you
Hey Leo. Thanks for antoher great post. I’ve been reading your blog for awhile but this is my first comment.
I find that my 2nd marriage of 9 years is currently suffering from most of these issues due to some seriously big and stressfull things happening in our lives.
I would love to see one of your lists on little things you can do daily to get your marriage back in shape.
Thanks!
I’ve been married 17 years, although that doesn’t seem possible, and these are great reminders. I wish we could have always been conscience enough to follow these tips. I agree with others who say that commitment is basically a decision. There have been rough times but by riding those times out we’ve become a stronger unit, with a shared history that is irreplaceable.
Thanks again, Leo, for another thoughtful and thought-provoking post.
:)
Yes I am guilty of unrealistic expectations. My wife and I have a strong relationship, but sometimes I want her to think like me, see the same things that I would do.
It’s not fair to her or me. I’m working on just going with the flow and being ok with whatever she chooses to do without getting upset if she doesn’t do something the way I would.
Our relationship has gotten stronger and I look forward to more years of love.
Leo, great post. I plan to link to it over at Parent Talk Today. While my blog is for parents, it’s so easy to forget that Mom and Dad’s relationship needs to come first. It’s the foundation that everything else is built on. Your words here are very wise. Thanks.
Kathy
One rule is all it takes, just remember these 8 little words:
You’re right; I’m wrong. It’s all my fault.
This was a very insightful article Leo. I don’t think many of us realize that the small and seamingly insignificant things we do could have a potentially sabotaging effect on our relationship. It is within these finer details of a relationship that love is either made or broken.
I suppose it doesn’t just take one occasional sin to destroy a relationship. On the other hand it might not even take all 7 sins to destroy a relationship. What I see as being the destructive factor here is repeated instances of these sins wearing the relationship down over an extended period of time. Like water slowly weathers away a rock on a cliff-face, likewise do the 7 sins weather away the love between two hearts.
We must always be fully and consciously aware of how our small and seemingly insignificant interactions and transgressions can and will effect the balance of the love within a relationship. It is understandable that we all make mistakes, yet we must quickly learn from them in order to keep the candle of love burning strong.
On my blog, I put together a Mind Map of sorts presenting the 5 Keys to a Loving and Fruitful Relationship. It discusses relationship traits, the mindset one should cultivate, ways to show you love your partner, romantic ideas, activities and suggestions. And finally it identifies relationship mistakes which parallel some of the things you pointed out within your post. Your readers can view the article and download the desktop wallpaper of this Mind Map at the following link:
http://www.studymatrixart.com/blog/smx-spotlight/keys-to-a-loving-relationship
Thanks for your great insights.
Adam Sicinski
http://www.studymatrixart.com
Whew! That sounds like a LOT of work. So glad I’m not married…
@Leo, many thanks for a great post! I’ve reproduced it (with acknowledgement of course) over on my Zen Mischief weblog, http://zenmischief.blogspot.com/.
I agree with @Marc: please can we cut the god-stuff, please? God, in whatever form, isn’t relevant: this stuff works whether you believe or not. Noreen and I have been married 28 years — she believes in a Christian god; I’m a rabid atheist (tho’ I wasn’t when we married). We respect each others’ beliefs. Tho’ it was tempestuous at first, I like to think we now have a strong marriage.
I agree with everyone who has said that we have to take responsibility for our own happiness. Just as importantly we have to take responsibility for our own orgasms — otherwise sex becomes competitive.
And finally: communicate, communicate, communicate!
@Dr Nicole … It isn’t a lot of work, honestly. It is only what we should be doing to everyone all the time: treat other people as you would wish to be treated yourself.
Thirty seven years and as good as ever, so we must be doing some things right. Relationships evolve of course; just as each partner changes with time and experience (not just that of life together: in general), so does the partnership. We haven’t had many “rules”but one that comes to mind is “never leave a difference, however small, unsettled - preferably before the following day”.
Also be careful with words. Some manners of expression, all those that involve the words ‘never’ and ‘always’ for a start, are silly, unnecessary (sweeping statements that just can’t be true anyway) and when personal, are a source of resentment.
Work? I guess it is when differences have to be settled. The rest is matter of habit. For better or for worse.
Leo,
I think you missed a really important deadly sin. Dishonesty. You need honesty in a realtionship to have trust. With out honesty and trust, it is difficult to meet the other requirements of a good and healthy relationship.
Another important deadly sin is the inability or unwillingness to forgive.
Afterall, we are all human and make mistakes. In a good relationship two people work together and walk hand in hand to help each other grow and overcome our sometimes faulty humaness. That is the highest form of love and caring.
Postscipt to my #8 above….The Upside to Resentment:
If you find yourself unable to work out issues that cause deep-seated resentment in a relationship, you’re getting a warning bell that something is seriously wrong with the relationship. Pay attention to it. It’s your choice as to how to deal with this, but remember, it takes two to make a relationship work.
@Teresa has described the foundation of loving relationships: honesty, trust, and forgiveness. May I add, compassion and respect.
@Dr.X0: You forgot the smileys! Take these for a start: ;->
These are points worthy of reflection. At the same time, its uplifting to realize we may always choose the opposites of any perceived mistakes or problematic choices. As we learn to think before we speak or act, we can evolve to foresee what behaviours will work or not. It also makes sense to imagine yourself in the position of the person you are interacting with. How would you feel?
Here is another one (my personal downfall): Pride-goes along with stubborness. Having too much pride to reveal vulnerabilities, accept help/love, admit when you might be wrong (who me?).
great post. I am looking to get married in the next year so I am trying to make money online so I can support me and my girlfriend (wife)…this post was great
I wonder, when cultural differences are an issue in a relationship how does one work through them? For instance, something funny in one culture is not the slightest bit funny (and a bit demeaning) in another culture. Sometimes one can be at a loss as to how to compromise cultures (and not be incredibly offended by having to give up behavior one always believed was ok)
Don’t know just typin’
I love this list. I’ve been in a serious relationship 2 years now and we are about to move into together.. remembering these things, I am sure, will help.
But also! I think it is just as important to spend time together as it is to remember your SELF in a relationship and spend time alone or with friends, too. I find that by giving yourself your own time every now and then, not too much where it might strain the relationship, allows you to reevaluate and appreciate new things such as spending time with your significant other even more.
I’ve been in a relationship for 10 years that has dwindled down to Platonism (is that a word?) for about the last 5 years. The only thing keeping me there is the memory of 2 hellish marriages and how much a pain-in-the-butt is is to start over.
And Steve, my first marriage had Jeebus in it. Guess he was out someplace making wine out of water or something instead of keeping my wife in her marriage bed…
Thanks! Good real list! You must be have big trust experience. Item #3 “Unrealistic expectations” - it seemed to me this is very interesting.
I think the biggest “sin” of all is lack of presence. When we don’t know how to be present in our own lives, everything becomes gray and dull. Then, we can’t but help but NOT SEE our partner fresh, alive, brand new in each moment. It is presence and presence alone that will take care of all 8 points listed above, naturally.
With Love,
Ralph
http://www.beyondthemind.org
I think the biggest “sin” of all is lack of presence. When we don’t know how to be present in our own lives, everything becomes gray and dull. Then, we can’t but help but NOT SEE our partner fresh, alive, brand new in each moment. It is presence and presence alone that will take care of all 8 points listed above, naturally.
With Love,
Ralph
BeyondtheMind.org
I just spent a week learning an “antidote” to these sins: granting your partner completely and total freedom to be exactly as they are. As a result of learning to live this way over the past few years, I can now say I love my ex-wife more now than I did when we were married (13 years), and I loved her deeply then.
A great list. I think gratitude is especially important myself.
I am a jealous person by nature. I am learning to relax, let go and trust. Jealousy is not an indication of love, but rather a manifestation of a person’s need to control the other person.
Great list, and I totally agree, but I’m kind of wondering what to do about the insecurities that cause the jealousy. That’s definitely my problem and I recognize it, but I’m not sure how to fix it. How do I make myself feel better enough about myself to not be so jealous?
Great List, gonna forward this to my BF.
I would have to add that having our own individual time is important too.
Good point Teresa - dishonesty and unforgiveness are definitely big relationship killers. An excellent list Leo, I found myself nodding and saying “uh-huh” just a little too often while reflecting upon the past. Experience is a great teacher - one can either learn from their own mistakes, or better yet, read a great post like this or be reminded of how to avoid such mistakes both now and in the future.
Very good list. My husband and I were married at age 23 and have been married for 17+ years. I have successfully overcome feelings of resentment, I think by just remembering to have a sense of humor–laugh about the toilet paper, etc. Also, when the chips are down, I like Dr. Phil’s advice about someone “being the hero” in the relationship. Someone has to be the mature one to take the high road and move on through a disagreement, etc. because I would “rather be married than be right.”
Is this blog even active anymore? Leo, you post once every 3 days or so - time to take this blog off my reading list…
Not very Zen, Jessica.
Have you seen this site? People confess their sins online, anonymously: http://iconfessmyself.blogspot.com
Great advice, thank you! I’m starting a folder of tips, hints, tricks etc. for making a relationship/marriage work before my sweetie and I get married. This article is so going into my folder!
p.s. I totally read your tips at work to calm myself down if the day gets stressful and/or irritating. Fab stuff, please do keep it up.
It’s also about having a partner who truly HAS YOUR BACK. Just like my father had my mother’s back up until she passed away from cancer. He was with her for 24/7 and their love for each other during that time was the most breathtaking I’ve ever seen.
http://chicadificil.com/
The most important thing I’ve learned is to always (I mean always) let you spouse or significant other know that they are loved and special. Not a day goes by that I don’t let my partner know how much she is appreciated and loved.
More sins:
1. Blaming each other for things happening/not happening, on anything, and everything
2. Being selfish/lazy, ripping each other off on time, energy, emotion
Hey, When I started reading zenhabits there where 5 posts a week, what happened? Just curious.
Jan
Your post is a good reminder to give myself credit for lessons learned and know that the past need not repeat itself. It’s encouraging to see that marriage can work a second time ’round. Thank you.
ps - I discovered your blog a few months ago and have been reading it faithfully since. I very much enjoy your topics and writing style.
Hey Leo, what happened? My guess is that you’re sick or something.
happiness today to my friend.
Trust, faith, love and smile
Lead you to happiness.
“Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That’s why it’s a comfort to go hand in hand.” - Emily Kimbrough
Beautiful quote and a very beautiful post.
not only are these good tips for marriage, but also for a good life.
most of them should apply to the way you treat every person you come across.
great list.
[c]
I couldn’t agree more with everything in this article. You just may have saved a marriage and a life
Good article…
I have been married for 24 years, first marriage. I am a confirmed athiest and extremely happily.
All eight points and most of the comments here come down to one thing. “If you want your marriage to work then work on your marriage”.
Fairy tales about happily ever after only work because the end of the book follows within a page or two. No deity will help you if you do not first help yourself. Now go work on your marriage, rest assured I am working on mine.
It seems that what Steve shared about having Jesus in a marriage really got a lot of feedback, which I understand. But can I just ask a question?
If what Jesus said about himself is true - namely that He is God and that we must follow him, doesn’t this merit some consideration? It seems like this would have everything to do with marriage.
If what Jesus said is true, and he really is God, then we have no choice but to follow him and make our marriages revolve around him. But if he’s not God, then we must write him off as nothing more than a liar or a lunatic. There’s not really any middle ground.
I have to admit, this entire post is more or less true. My wife and I are both atheists, and pretty damn happy. :)
I’m in a relationship, we live together, we’ll marry but this is already like a marriage to me, no less serious.
I was wondering too about Leo posting so rarely… :/
Thank you for mentioning watching a DVD together as a possibility for spending time together. So many relationship how-to’s seem to be adamant that couples go out on dates together on a weekly basis, which, for my husband and me was simply not realistic when our kids were younger. We moved twice when our kids were young, didn’t have family to use as babysitters, didn’t really know anyone our age with kids, and both felt uncomfortable using strangers as babysitters. Not to mention the cash flow issue. It’s getting better now that the kids are older, but then we made do with going out on dates when our parents came to visit or when we went home to visit them (sometimes once a month or less). The rest of the time, we rented movies and watched them after the kids were asleep, or watched favorite tv shows together. We’ve been married 15 years next month. The whole “date” thing is a relatively modern invention anyway, and many tribal cultures to this day don’t have the parents going off on dates. Still, hubby and I enjoy them when we get the chance, but I don’t think they’ll make or break a marriage.
I think there is enough pressure on young parents these days. Kids grow up. Do what you can to spend time alone, but don’t push yourself with unrealistic expectations, and don’t be in such a hurry to get away from your kids.
I am missing your regular posts: hope all is well.
Hey Leo –
I, too, am missing your regular wisdom and insight. If you need something, just ask. You have some of the most supportive readers around. Can we help out in any way?
If you just need patience and time, though, ya got it.
Hi Leo,
I’m not deliberately going out there to be a jerk but it seems that you may be breaking some of seven deadly relationship sins - with us - your readers.
Even if you just dropped in each day with a brief update post. You could delete the posts after they’d served their purpose.
It seems rather ironic that after giving up work to be a full time blogger, you’re busier than ever and haven’t now got time for blogging.
I’m not having a go at you. You’re obviously facing some new and interesting challenges. It would be nice to hear how you’re coping.
All the best. Dave.
Some interesting points on having an effective relationship. All 8 of your items are good to do. I would add that knowing your spouse and you aren’t perfect and admiting when you are being a ‘butt’ in the relationship is important. I know for myself, sometimes I just don’t think before I say or do something and I am quick to acknowledge it.
Leo,
Stubborness is a real killer of not only relationships, but also friendships.
It’s unfortunate how some people NEED to be right ALL the time … even if it means they are NOT happy or if they make other people lives quite miserable.
Miss Gisele B.
Hey Leo, I hope youre fine, missing your daily posts. Are you busy with your book or ill (hopefully not).
If ther’s something I can do for you, Im here for you!!
Rather than treating people the way YOU want to be treated, why not treat them the way THEY want to be treated?? But that takes paying attention…
And, as they say on the airplane- put on your oxygen mask first.. then you will be able to assist those that rely on you for help
Sorry to jump on the bandwagon here, but your readers miss you… what’s going on?
A great insight.
I’d like to add my two cents: kids are a great way to strengthen a relationship. A lovely father, or mother, is often good as a partner too!
I totally agree with anon’s comment re: treating people the way they want to be treated. That should be the golden rule, not to treat others the way you want to be treated, which assumes we all like the same things.
amy and anon — there is an insightful book called “The Five Languages of Love” in which the author Gary Chapman outlines how we all are wired (generally) to one of five expressions of love: Words of Affirmation, Quality time, Receiving of Gifts, Acts of Service, or Physical Touch. Early in our marriage, I tried to love my husband with Acts of
Service, but then we realized he is wired to Words of Affirmation and Touch! Now we love each other with our respective Languages of Love in mind.
I think I’ve committed every sin in my nine year relationship…maybe that’s why I’m single now.
great list.. thanks..
but what on earth does Jesus have to do with this??
i can’t believe the first comment from some deluded fool asked that????
Jesus and that nonsense bible taught us nothing about treating women with respect. In fact, quite the opposite..
This list is great, but Jesus is a made up imaginary non-friend.. Get a grip and grow up.. it’s quite embarrassing. Be intellectually honest and you’ll find a world without nonsense.
Love without the pretend people. Life is amazing regardless..
Jesus was just brought in from some kind of religious fanatic. Funny that so many posters are writing about this ; )
Leo,
Hope all is well with you, and that you are just off taking a nice vacation… I’ve been reading your blog since last August, and you’ve never taken time off!
ZenHabits… must certainly include breaks :)
Hi guys … sorry for the delay … I’ve been off because of book writing along with a family medical thing I had to attend to. Nothing too serious but it put me out of work for a few days.
I’ll be back soon, thanks for your kind words and patience!
A great list. I think if you look at it honestly, the list can be summed up in one idea: *live* the relationship without succumbing to your own mental constructs. Don’t get trapped in how your partner “should” be in your mind, and don’t get trapped in taking them for granted as some fixture of your life.
A relationship, like life in general, should be vibrant, filled with ups and downs, but most of all, *honest*. And if we can approach love (and everything else) with open eyes and gratitude, we can avoid these and other “sins.”
Just my 2 cents. :)
“Jesus and that nonsense bible taught us nothing about treating women with respect. In fact, quite the opposite..”
I think you’re confusing the rhetoric of hate-filled people like Pat Robertson with what Jesus actually says.
Try actually READING the Sermon on the Mount, mmkay? He’s about as clear about equality as he can be right at the start of Matthew 7 - “”Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”
John Lennon had it right - “Jesus was all right, but his disciples were thick and ordinary. It’s them twisting it that ruins it for me.”
Leo —
Thanks for the update. Best wishes to you and your family for all things working out well.
Great post Leo, love your blog.
I’d say number 2 has been my biggest problem. Not as bad as it was though but it still rears it’s ugly head from time to time.
Looking forward to more posts :)
These are all excellent examples and it’s great that you posted this because we all need to be thinking about these things. If you don’t think/talk about them, and you just ignore them, that is how they will get the best of you. And your relationships will definitely suffer.
Hi Leo,
Love your blog, I check it about every day.. But the last few weeks you’ve been on a seriously low post-rate! Hope you can fix this soon, I’d love to read more from what flows from your mind.
Regards,
Arthur
Best book I ever read (and recommend) on this subject matter is Anthony DeMello’s “The Way to Love”. Once we give up our attachments to people, it’s amazing how much more happy we can be and appreciate them for who they are…and not who we want them to be.
I think resentment, jealous and some of the other things are often just the tip of a much deeper iceberg going back to our family issues in our original family. They’re really important to address, but addressing them optimally requires understanding and becoming conscious of the deeper origins of these issues.
Leo,
thanks for the list and for the whole blog, too.
I have a strong feeling you’ve just taken all these 8 right out of my mind.
In my life, i’ve met just two men who were able to think like this. Unfortunately, none of them is my boyfriend :)
Please keep the writing — you give lots of people inspiration and hope.
You can also spend too MUCH time together. Trust me, I’ve been married for 8 years, but since we’ve both worked at home a lot, we’ve probably gone through as much as people who have been married for 20+ years together and only had evenings and weekends together. Lately we’ve found that spending a good amount of time apart does make the heart grow fonder, and the space gives some breathing room so we don’t smother each other. It’s all about getting the balance right. That said, if my husband was to suddenly drop dead, I’d be much happier having spent so much time with him than if we’d spent all that time apart. That’s for sure.
What if you could recapture your ex lovers mind, heart and soul?…Wipe the slate clean? Turn back time? Even if you feel right now that your situation is too far gone…too screwed up …or just plain too darn complicated?
You already know how hard it is to just even wake up and roll out of bed in the morning. You leave your radio off on your way to work because every song is a painful reminder of him. You can’t even bear to eat at the same restaurants you took her to. And if that isn’t bad enough, you have to cope with the loss of friends and family that are on “their side”.
Did you know that most relationships can be salvaged? You may find it difficult to believe that almost every break up for whatever reason…infidelity, plain old lost passion, loss of interest, a stolen heart and worse…even the worst situations you can imagine…like men serving prison sentences have salvaged their relationships. Yes, even Ex-cons have got back together with girlfriends and wives after being away for years!
I have a blog that has more information on some of what I’ve been writing about on relationships. If you feel like checking it out, you can find it here: http://winningyouback.blogspot.com It’s entitled “The Magic of Making Up - 10 Tips to a Happy Relationship.”
I hope you read my blog, it can improve on and possibly save your relationship.
Beautiful post. I hope my next boyfriend is as caring and thoughtful as you are. It’s nice to know there are people out there, consciously practicing what you have written about, and sharing it with others so they will awaken to see what really matters, the here and now, the heart stuff, the good stuff. What we give, we receive. We give love, we feel love right back. With practice, it only becomes easier. I’m practicing on the world now. I figure, when the time is right, the right person will enter my life. Thanks for the hope.
I had to comment on the Number One thing to avoid-Resentment- in a marriage because that is what happened in my first marriage. For 9 years he never told me that he had a ‘mental fit’ whenever I yelled across the room or the house that the phone was for him or that dinner was ready. He resented me ‘doing’ this for nearly a decade and I didn’t find out until we had pulled the plug. Thanks for sharing-great article!
@Leo: Just wanted to let you know. This article was cited as a recommended read in our daily morning paper over here in Sweden. The word is spreading…
Have a good one!
Leo, I am attempting to contact you about interviewing you for my next book on the subject of highly successful individuals and you have so many safeguards in place, it is hard to contact you.
IF you think it is worth your effort to investigate it, please feel free to contact me via the information provided.
While I think you are highly qualified, your safeguards make it so difficult to contact you that it is causing MAJOR problems.
MrAchievement
Stanley Bronstein
Attorney, CPA, Author, Blogger & Professional Motivational Speaker
So much great advice here - I love Rose Garden’s alternative list
I think that on top of those rules, not taking each other for granted would have to be there. That’s the one I’m probabky most guilty of. But this post makes me want to go home and give my husband a big kiss and tell him I love him.
I’m very lucky that he probably follows all these rules anyway. He’s a wonderful caring person and there’s little about him I would ever want to change.
I wonder if these rules work if only one partner is following them though. Perhaps they rub off on the other person, but if both partners are not equally committed then the marriage is unlikely to work ultimately.
ps, to the “Jesus” poster above, you can’t argue the existence of Jesus (too much documented evidence) but if you choose, you can argue that Jesus was an ordinary human being rather than the son of God :-)
I’ve found that to keep things flowing well you’ve got to vent any and all frustrations somewhere other than with you partner. I a great way to do this is offered at http://www.cyberfreud.com and/or http://www.creepyconfessions.com
I was surprised by the part about good ways of dealing with resentment. In my experience, those can both be good but the really crucial part is to look at my own side of the street first… think about why I am angry, what other stuff it brings up for me, and then look at my part in it like whether I have actually set any boundaries around what is bothering me, communicated at all, whether I do the same thing that I get mad at other people for, et cetera - and take care of THAT.
Sometimes my part is just that I am not communicating - but I rarely communicate about the resentment first, because I need to get it cleaned up ahead of time so I don’t just dump all over the other person!
Great advice! Even though I am young (19) I have been in a very good relationship for 4 years. We are getting married in 2 years when we finish college. I’ll be sure to keep all of this in mind.
The one thing I’ve learned that no one else has added, surprisingly, is to always be intentional with your significant other. When you tell him or her you love them, meant it. Don’t let your relationship become a habit. Intentionally love.
Make sure you marry someone who is as reasonably close to you in intelligence, if they are smarter, you will resent them. If they are dumber, they will resent you. Just because someone has many years of school or college doesn’t make them smart. In my travels I have found that so-called educated people are actually less intelligent then people who have had to explore other areas of life. Having a spouse who is not equal in intelligence makes it difficult to communicate and in the end will just piss you off.
“Not making time” is the key problem
Very great advice!
I’ve found myself experiencing every single problem on your list. I’m a very resenting person. I start out letting little things blow over, not really making it an issue; but as time goes by, every single thing that I find difficult I tend to resent my partner. The jealous issue is something that gets me all the time. Mostly by bringing past relationship baggage into my new relationship. I set my expectations way to high, that’s something I know not to do the next time. I’m completely opposite on not making enough time. I postponed by not getting a job for a month just so I could spend as much time with this girl that I could. I know that people need space. I need to work on it, I’m pretty dang clingy.I think I’m way to big on communication, my last two girlfriends said I talked way to much. I just always needed to hear things. I always spoke for myself. I just don’t know when to much, is to much. I show my gratitude when I feel I need too. I show affection way to much where it seemed I might have been to clingy, and I’ll tell you what, I’m a stubborn as they come, I can be a complete ass..
To sum it all up, I know full and well what I need to do to have a healthy, fun, and loving relationship. This writing you’ve done shows me how to be the best I can be. The problem is when it comes down to the nitty gritty, I completely fail. I seem to always put lust before love.
I’m always lost in relationships, I’m always fuming to my friends and don’t know where to makes ends meet.
Your writing put a lot in perspective and it’ll help me out in the future. Thank you very much.
I you ever give advice to the individual, please give me some.
Thank you once more and have a good day! : )
I am a new reader to your blog (love it!). I came across this article in your archives and just wanted to add a note for others who may be reading this that are not married or are considering marriage. If two people can not successively navigate these “sins” prior to marriage, then perhaps one should reconsider getting married in the first place. I personally have been “guilty of sins 1, 3 & 8 in prior relationships and have been subjected (for lack of better word) to all “eight” sins. Any of these issues that are not resolved prior to marriage or during a LTR, should cause one to rethink the relationship altogether. Come to think of it, these sins could be damaging to all personal relationships albeit spouses, lovers or friends. I am just grateful that the older I get the more I learn and the better my relationships become.
William Blake said it better than I ever could: Jesus Christ is the only God, and so are you, and so am I.
I assume that these “sins” apply to all intimate relationships and not just marriage. What do you think?
By the way, I am not married. My BF and I have been in a relationship for 6 years and have a 4 yr old daughter. We don’t really get time alone together and we are terrible communicators. In fact I think we’ve fallen into every one of these seven (8) sins. Not sure how to crawl out. I’m not really 100% sure why we aren’t married other than the fact that marriage is meant to be a “guarantee” of life together, and in life there are no “guarantees” (no insult intended to those who choose to be married, this is just my observation for our relationship). Instead, what it takes is hard work, every day, hard work to stay together. Sometimes it’s not so hard. Some days it’s really hard. I have no clue how to implement these ideas on a day to day basis.
relationship is not a sin its a blessing for me…
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