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How to Connect With Humanity When You Feel All Alone

“Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence.” - Eric Fromm

The recent death of my Auntie Kerry put me in a state of mind that I think we all go through at different times in our lives: the feeling of utter isolation, of complete loneliness.

There are times when we feel that even if we are surrounded by other people in our lives, we are alone. We must go through this difficult journey called life by ourselves, no matter if we’re married or if we have children or close friends. And that’s a very lonesome prospect.

How do we overcome these feelings of loneliness and despair? While common, these feelings can be dangerous if we let them go too far — they can lead to depression, suicidal thoughts, or just a slump in our lives.

The answer is in connecting with other human beings.

When we connect with other humans, we are no longer alone. We share our suffering, our experiences, our common trials. The misery we face is no longer insurmountable when we have someone to face it with us.

But making that leap from being alone to making a connection can be a difficult one. One reader who contacted me recently, for example, has a form of social anxiety that stops him from talking to people in social situations. That’s a tough obstacle to overcome, but it can be done.

While I’m not an expert in social anxiety or in relationships, I have overcome my share of social anxiety, overcome my share of depression, and found ways to forge human connections in my years as a son, brother, husband, father, co-worker, boss and friend.

Here are some tips for connecting with humanity when you’re feeling alone:

Do some kind of activity with others. If you don’t immediately have someone to connect with — such as a spouse, kids, or other close family or friends — make an effort to get out of your house and to meet up with others. If you’re afraid of meeting strangers, it helps to find places where you’re comfortable — for example, in a college class, for some people, at a bar you’re familiar with, for others. But failing that, try some kind of group activity — a reading group, a running group, a support group, a volunteer group. The activity greases the social wheels.
Ask for a hug. If you do have easy access to a loved one, don’t be afraid to ask for a hug — it’s one of the best medicines. That might sound corny, but it’s true. Human contact is something we all need, especially in times of need, and it is a very good way to connect with others.
Visit family and friends. If you have loved ones you don’t see every day, get out of your house and go visit them. Just being in their presence, making the effort to connect with them, that’ll go a long way to making human connections. Talk with them, share, bond. When my Auntie Kerry died, my family here on Guam immediately got together, and just being in each other’s company in such a time not only brought us closer together, and gave us that release of emotions we needed, but made us feel better during our time of grief.
Nix the TV and movies. Many times people spend time together watching TV and movies. While that’s OK some of the time, it isn’t the best way to connect with others. The problem with such passive entertainment is that it separates us, even if we’re close together. We end up not talking, but watching. Instead, play sports, play a board game, have coffee or tea, have a picnic — anything that you do together, where you can talk and connect, is a good thing.
Find commonalities. If you don’t have easy access to loved ones, and need to make new friends and connect with new people, it’s best to start by trying to find common ground. What shared interests do you have? Have you lived in the same place, gone to the same school, worked in the same place? Do you have similar hobbies or passions? When you find that common ground, you can connect.
Open up. Once you’ve found common ground, and gotten comfortable with a person, don’t be afraid to open up a little. Of course, you don’t pour out all of your innermost secrets the first time you meet someone — it has to be a gradual opening up. But if you never open up, you will never make a real, deep connection. It’ll just be something on the surface. It’s when people share something real, and personal, that these real connections are made.
Practice, and get comfortable. Often we are shy or socially anxious when we are in uncomfortable situations. The remedy for this is to get comfortable, and the only way to do that is to keep doing it, keep practicing, until you’re better at it. The more you do it, the more comfortable you’ll get.
Do it in small doses. If the above tip sounds like too much for you — you have a hard time even contemplating practicing social situations until you’re comfortable — then it’s best to do it in small doses. Start with somewhere you’re fairly comfortable, and just try talking to someone you know a little. Then try someone you don’t know, but in a comfortable situation. Do it one dose at a time, celebrate your success, and then give it another try on another day. You don’t have to make huge connections all at once.
Groom yourself. This might sound obvious, but it’s amazing how big of a difference this can make. First, being well-groomed makes a good impression on others you don’t know well, and helps them to react more positively to you. But second, and more importantly, being well-groomed helps you to be more confident with yourself, and that makes all the difference in the world.
Learn to be a good listener. A very important point, but it’s incredible how many people ignore this fundamental skill. I’ve talked to so many people who I can tell are really good people, but who I tire of talking to simply because they don’t seem to hear anything I say. I listen to them, but they don’t return the favor, and as a result, it’s a one-sided conversation. No one likes that kind of conversation (except the person doing all the talking). If you want to make a connection with another person, you have to begin by listening. Learn to ask questions to gt the other person talking about herself — that’s everyone’s favorite subject. And when they do start talking, learn to actually listen. Don’t just stare with a blank look, and think about what you want to talk about. Hear what they’re saying, respond with appropriate words and sounds and facial expressions, ask follow up questions. If you can learn to listen, you’ll go a long way in making connections with anyone.
Help those in need. Aside from just meeting new people, another great way to connect with other human beings is to help them when they need help. Volunteering to help the homeless and the hungry, for example, is a great way to meet new people, to do something positive, to make a difference in the lives of others, and to connect with people in ways that just aren’t otherwise possible.
Find ways to express your love. Whether you’re connecting with loved ones, with new people, or with those in need … the ultimate connection is always through love. And the way to make this kind of connection is by first expressing your love — without expecting it to be returned — in any way you can. How can you express your love? That’s up to you — you have to find ways that are appropriate to the situation, the relationship, and to you as a person — but some ideas: hugs, an affectionate smile, a nice letter, doing something considerate for the person, just spending time with them, telling them you love them, listing the reasons you love them … I’m sure you can think of many more. :)

On a related note: thank you to everyone on this blog who has comforted me during my time of grieving over my family, through your kind words, through sharing your stories of loss and suffering, through sharing my pain, through your prayers and wishes and thoughts and positive energy. You’ve shown me, in a thousand ways, that connections can be made over great distances, between relative strangers, in a way that really does make a lasting difference on your life. So thank you, thank you.

“Love one another and you will be happy. It’s as simple and as difficult as that.” - Michael Leunig

How to Connect With Humanity When You Feel All Alone

“Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence.” - Eric Fromm

The recent death of my Auntie Kerry put me in a state of mind that I think we all go through at different times in our lives: the feeling of utter isolation, of complete loneliness.

The answer is in connecting with other human beings.

Here are some tips for connecting with humanity when you’re feeling alone:

Do some kind of activity with others. If you don’t immediately have someone to connect with — such as a spouse, kids, or other close family or friends — make an effort to get out of your house and to meet up with others. If you’re afraid of meeting strangers, it helps to find places where you’re comfortable — for example, in a college class, for some people, at a bar you’re familiar with, for others. But failing that, try some kind of group activity — a reading group, a running group, a support group, a volunteer group. The activity greases the social wheels.
Ask for a hug. If you do have easy access to a loved one, don’t be afraid to ask for a hug — it’s one of the best medicines. That might sound corny, but it’s true. Human contact is something we all need, especially in times of need, and it is a very good way to connect with others.
Visit family and friends. If you have loved ones you don’t see every day, get out of your house and go visit them. Just being in their presence, making the effort to connect with them, that’ll go a long way to making human connections. Talk with them, share, bond. When my Auntie Kerry died, my family here on Guam immediately got together, and just being in each other’s company in such a time not only brought us closer together, and gave us that release of emotions we needed, but made us feel better during our time of grief.
Nix the TV and movies. Many times people spend time together watching TV and movies. While that’s OK some of the time, it isn’t the best way to connect with others. The problem with such passive entertainment is that it separates us, even if we’re close together. We end up not talking, but watching. Instead, play sports, play a board game, have coffee or tea, have a picnic — anything that you do together, where you can talk and connect, is a good thing.
Find commonalities. If you don’t have easy access to loved ones, and need to make new friends and connect with new people, it’s best to start by trying to find common ground. What shared interests do you have? Have you lived in the same place, gone to the same school, worked in the same place? Do you have similar hobbies or passions? When you find that common ground, you can connect.
Open up. Once you’ve found common ground, and gotten comfortable with a person, don’t be afraid to open up a little. Of course, you don’t pour out all of your innermost secrets the first time you meet someone — it has to be a gradual opening up. But if you never open up, you will never make a real, deep connection. It’ll just be something on the surface. It’s when people share something real, and personal, that these real connections are made.
Practice, and get comfortable. Often we are shy or socially anxious when we are in uncomfortable situations. The remedy for this is to get comfortable, and the only way to do that is to keep doing it, keep practicing, until you’re better at it. The more you do it, the more comfortable you’ll get.
Do it in small doses. If the above tip sounds like too much for you — you have a hard time even contemplating practicing social situations until you’re comfortable — then it’s best to do it in small doses. Start with somewhere you’re fairly comfortable, and just try talking to someone you know a little. Then try someone you don’t know, but in a comfortable situation. Do it one dose at a time, celebrate your success, and then give it another try on another day. You don’t have to make huge connections all at once.
Groom yourself. This might sound obvious, but it’s amazing how big of a difference this can make. First, being well-groomed makes a good impression on others you don’t know well, and helps them to react more positively to you. But second, and more importantly, being well-groomed helps you to be more confident with yourself, and that makes all the difference in the world.
Learn to be a good listener. A very important point, but it’s incredible how many people ignore this fundamental skill. I’ve talked to so many people who I can tell are really good people, but who I tire of talking to simply because they don’t seem to hear anything I say. I listen to them, but they don’t return the favor, and as a result, it’s a one-sided conversation. No one likes that kind of conversation (except the person doing all the talking). If you want to make a connection with another person, you have to begin by listening. Learn to ask questions to gt the other person talking about herself — that’s everyone’s favorite subject. And when they do start talking, learn to actually listen. Don’t just stare with a blank look, and think about what you want to talk about. Hear what they’re saying, respond with appropriate words and sounds and facial expressions, ask follow up questions. If you can learn to listen, you’ll go a long way in making connections with anyone.
Help those in need. Aside from just meeting new people, another great way to connect with other human beings is to help them when they need help. Volunteering to help the homeless and the hungry, for example, is a great way to meet new people, to do something positive, to make a difference in the lives of others, and to connect with people in ways that just aren’t otherwise possible.
Find ways to express your love. Whether you’re connecting with loved ones, with new people, or with those in need … the ultimate connection is always through love. And the way to make this kind of connection is by first expressing your love — without expecting it to be returned — in any way you can. How can you express your love? That’s up to you — you have to find ways that are appropriate to the situation, the relationship, and to you as a person — but some ideas: hugs, an affectionate smile, a nice letter, doing something considerate for the person, just spending time with them, telling them you love them, listing the reasons you love them … I’m sure you can think of many more. :)

“Love one another and you will be happy. It’s as simple and as difficult as that.” - Michael Leunig

Spewed into the world on 14 July 2008 in Happiness |
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Brilliant comments (65)

Blue John Says:

July 14th, 2008, 18:56 pm

A comment on #4. I’d include the internet in that list. It’s more interactive than one way TV and movies, but it’s still pretty bleak when you crave the connection of live people. It’s you, alone in front a screen. On the other hand, an IM session may not be as satisfying as a live conversation, but it’s better than nothing.

Marc and Angel Hack Life Says:

July 14th, 2008, 19:24 pm

How about making yourself available and approachable to others. If people cannot get a hold of you, or have trouble approaching you, they will forget about you. Your general availability and accessibility to others is extremely important to them. Always maintain a positive, tolerant attitude and keep an open line of communication to those around you.

I wrote more about this and other keys to becoming likeable here: http://www.marcandangel.com/2008/06/30/21-keys-to-magnetic-likeability/

Corey - Simple Marriage Project Says:

July 14th, 2008, 19:26 pm

Great list. Relationships are the key to life. It is my belief that we are created in relationship for relationships. While relationships are key in life, they aren’t what completes us. Rather they enrich us.

Frederic Premji Says:

July 14th, 2008, 19:27 pm

Thank you for this post….I think many people will benefit from it…we all need to connect with each other more. Technology is good and all, but it has pulled us apart from one another. Happiness is found by connecting with each other….great article

Marc and Angel Hack Life Says:

July 14th, 2008, 19:28 pm

PS: Leo… you are certainly in our prayers. Losing a loved one can be extremely tough. We wish you and your family the best. ;-)

Adam Sicinski @ Study Matrix Art Says:

July 14th, 2008, 19:39 pm

I think the key to all this is point #8 - To do it in small doses. Anything that takes us beyond our comfort zone can bring a great deal of fear and anguish. By taking time and doing things in small doses will ease these feelings and allow us to open up and better express ourselves to the world and others.

Julie H. Says:

July 14th, 2008, 19:40 pm

One thing missing here is a number of people who are lonely are shut-ins. Because of various reasons physically are not able to do the things you list here. Some are due to social anxiety yes, but other have physical problems that prevent them from doing much outside the place where they live.

Also I have discovered most people are uncomfortable helping those who are going through real problems like the loss of a relative. Many also do not have a family member near by. This list is nice for people just wanting to make more accquantances but for people who are truely suffering but do not have the luxury of having family or a real friend right there with the time, what are they to do?

So yes these can be helpful for some, but not everyone.

Jung Says:

July 14th, 2008, 19:45 pm

You left out “try harder”. [sarcastic]

Tom Stine | Living from Consciousness Says:

July 14th, 2008, 19:56 pm

Hi Leo:

“Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence.” - Eric Fromm

You know, you said it all in the opening quote. How to solve loneliness? Love. How to solve isolation? Love. How to solve XYZ? Love. And not in any outward sense. But inwardly.

I find it interesting that there is a progression from allowing to loving. If at first you can just allow things to be as they are, then you can move from there to loving things as they are, in this moment. If you are lonely, first allow the isolation, allow the moment. Then learn to love it. As you love it, you realize it can’t hurt you. And then it is gone.

That’s the view from over here. Be well, Leo!

Tony Says:

July 14th, 2008, 20:02 pm

Some constructive criticism: You seem to be posting only lists these days. List-based posts may seem to be easily digestible, but they rarely offer depth of content. I would prefer more in depth content, particularly as it might actually apply to tenants of Zen Buddhism (or at least the weird western misappropriation of the term.)

Just a thought.

aldohas Says:

July 14th, 2008, 20:10 pm

we need to use our head to be more humanity

JERRY Says:

July 14th, 2008, 20:16 pm

its a crazy world–a dear friend passed away unexpectedly last week–his passing affects me in a profound way–my heart is so sad for all that loose loved ones every day. we are so crazy–we loose young people every day in mindless awful situations all over the world. please put your money where your mouth is–i hear so many people talk the talk of understanding–but in their real life they are lacking. there is no excuse—stop your hypocrisy–i am sorry for being so blunt, but how many of you talk teh talk but in real life do not walk the walk–its unexpectable–the time for greed and selfishness is over—be true.

chris Says:

July 14th, 2008, 20:40 pm

Grooming yourself while obvious is often overlooked. Physical appearance is certainly as important as emotional state when it comes to dealing with loneliness or depression.

I do hope that you and your family are finding comfort in each other during this difficult time.

Paul -- The Vital Muse Says:

July 14th, 2008, 21:00 pm

Connecting with those around us is certainly important and useful, particularly in difficult circumstances — in loss. I personally find it reassuring to connect to the land, to the environment that supports and nurtures us. Observing nature’s processes reminds me that life goes on despite the most difficult obstacles - that her course makes connections out of disconnects, and one life supports and nourishes the next. I’m never lonely hiking a mountain trail or slogging through a Florida marsh (and better yet if friends of the human variety — new or old — are along for the trip)!

Sara Says:

July 14th, 2008, 21:10 pm

I love this article, might share it with some friends of mine who need a boost. Good as always, Leo. :)

Rahul Says:

July 14th, 2008, 21:16 pm

Leo, awesome blog. I have struggled with this after losing my father several years ago when growing up. My mother still struggles with this as she is quite a homebody and somewhat lives through my sister and I. Taking that first step can make the biggest difference and can lead to great things. I need to get her to take that first step and then she can do some of the things you talked about. Very good read!

Mary Says:

July 14th, 2008, 22:19 pm

Leo,

This is a great list. Thank you. I will share this with my kids, who recently lost two close relatives - an uncle and grandfather.

I’m glad you have such a loving, supportive family to gather around you during this time. :)

William Says:

July 14th, 2008, 22:24 pm

When my wife and I lost our infant daughter, we had to walk through a great deal of pain. I don’t think anyone knows what it’s like unless they’ve lost a child of their own. I often described our situation in grieving this way:

We were alone.
We were together.
We were alone together.

Does that make sense? It’s true that each of us must walk through the pain of loss alone; it’s true that others who loose too can go through it with us; it’s also true that we can walk together in our “aloneness”.

Hang in there, Leo. It’s a long walk.

Sounds like you’re doing it right.

Student of life Says:

July 14th, 2008, 22:40 pm

Hello..Im Irma from Indonesia…
I love your site much..I try do my frugal lifestyle last 3 months..Keep writing…

Seeker Says:

July 14th, 2008, 22:45 pm

I agree with Corey. Relationships enrich us. The more those important relationships grow and develop the more we feel fully alive and can share our core being with others. I think it invites passion for living.

Hayden Tompkins Says:

July 14th, 2008, 22:48 pm

I would add that sometimes it’s easier to start with animals and pets, if you aren’t quite ready to jump to people. You can sit and ‘be’ with your puppy or kitten; you don’t have to explain anything.

As for working with social anxiety, my brother had a form of that. He couldn’t articulate well, and would ofte trip over his words. He got a job at a call center which called people to find out if they had anything to donate to charity. Working with a “script” made him comfortable with it, and the more people he delt with - the more comfortable he got. He is 100x’s better now.

Jarrod - Warrior Development Says:

July 14th, 2008, 22:49 pm

Internally we are all made of the same stuff. We can all connect to the same things, essentially we are always connected at the deepest levels. We just forget.

Alison Wiley Says:

July 14th, 2008, 22:53 pm

It sounds like you’re in a ‘dark night’ , which everyone experiences at some point. I’ve been there and I feel for you. Relationships are definitely what can sustain us. . . . . . interesting how much sheer skill it takes to create and maintain good relationships. My skills are better than they used to be — I’m finally in a loving marriage. I explain how that’s happened at http://www.diamondcutlife.org/diamond-cut-sustainable-marriage/
Blessings to you!

Rick - Tripping the Muse Says:

July 14th, 2008, 22:54 pm

The power of human contact. A friend of mine once commented that they hadn’t been hugged in a long time. It broke my heart and that comment comes back to me often. I make it a point to hug those I hold dear in my life as much as possible. Thank you for a touching post, Leo. I was sorry to hear about your loss.
My thoughts are with you and your family.
Rick

G.M.Murphy Says:

July 14th, 2008, 23:04 pm

dear Leo,

Thank you for the post. I’m hoping you will use it over the next few months as you move through and back and forth the many stages of grief.

I lost my fiance nine years ago and over the next year I felt like a freak. It was the oddest feeling, but I just felt uncomfortable in any social situation unless I was with very close friends or family.

About four months after Ken’s death, I began to volunteer at a local community radio station. No one there knew me at the time and it was a relief to be able to go somewhere where I wasn’t “That poor woman whose fiance died suddenly”.

Another way I connected was to go to places where I didn”t have to interact directly with people, but they were around. Parks, coffee shops, and art galleries were perfect venues for that kind of “socializing”.

Grief is strange, and there is no “perfect” way to do it, but it is very important to have your support network, whatever it is, nearby.

Vern at AimforAwesome Says:

July 14th, 2008, 23:22 pm

Usually the first step is call my brother or sister back home and see what they’re up to. They both have kids and it always cheers me up to know what they’re doing… gymnastics, soccer, karate, swim team, etc. I connect with family first because it gives me that warm fuzzy that can’t be beat.

Next step? I go exercise and meet people from all over the world. Yesterday I met a guy and girl from Brazil. He was volunteering in Bangkok placing people in volunteer positions. She was his g/f from Brazil. It’s so cool to hear different perspectives on life from people around the world. Thailand is cool like that - I’ve met people from maybe 100 countries here already. How many countries in the world? 200? I’ll get there. Thailand was voted number one destination by Travel & Leisure, so my friend told me. Or was it Bangkok as a city? Can’t remember. It’s an awesome place to visit though… as Leo found out!

Connecting with others is something that happens naturally here because so many of us are foreigners and outside our usual circle of friends and contacts. Back in the states I’d call a friend or couple friends and try to go kayaking or a group fishing trip or something.

Sometimes it’s online - using facebook has been an eye-opener… finding people I’ve not talked to in 20 years. Leo - I added you to facebook friends yesterday I believe. Great post and again, sorry to learn of your loss… Vern

Eugene (Editor, Varsity Blah) Says:

July 15th, 2008, 0:20 am

I think it all comes down to having faith in the world. You’ve got to know that people are good deep down inside and want to connect with you too.

It’s like James Branch Cabell said: “The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; the pessimist fears this is true.”

Sara at On Simplicity Says:

July 15th, 2008, 1:13 am

Music can also be a powerful force for connecting us. Even if you’re all alone and there really aren’t any other people around, listening to someone else express exactly what you’re feeling can make you feel like a part of something larger.

Christopher Perilli Says:

July 15th, 2008, 2:44 am

Being a freelance designer who works from home, one of my biggest social issue is, I feel alienated from the entire planet at points. Having contact with others makes me more well rounded. I can actually turn in to a full on introvert if I stay in for too long. I feel like the people under the stairs. lol.

It’s really good to spend some quality time with your loved ones, pet (for me its a dog) or just friends. It truly is one of those priceless things that are free.

James @ Organize IT Says:

July 15th, 2008, 3:41 am

Grooming yourself is very important. While there is the confidence that builds up from making sure you look good, there is also the opposite message sent if you don’t groom yourself. Wearing the same clothes for several days, letting your stubble grow out… I’ve found as soon as you stop bothering to look after yourself you stop bothering to look after other aspects of your life.

Lisa Says:

July 15th, 2008, 4:23 am

Thank you Leo. I agree entirely. I’m especially grateful that you can offer some positive ways of dealing with how you, personally, are feeling right now. We can all, with hindsight, say how we should deal with grief, but it can be so much more difficult to act in that way at the time.

My thoughts are with you and your family at this time and I am honoured to hear your thoughts, in any form, as you work through this. Every day each one of us struggles with our own form of grief and reading something like this helps us feel that little less isolated.

Love to you.

Liara Covert Says:

July 15th, 2008, 6:59 am

No human being is ever alone. Connecting with your inner self, much like connecting with others, is a choice.

Pete Says:

July 15th, 2008, 8:39 am

We are all alone in some senses. In the movie ‘Donnie Darko’ there is a line about how every creature on this earth dies alone. However, as morbid as this sounds, it is actually quite uplifting if you think about it.

We are all alone, but it is only by our close relationships with others that we notice. If we never had lasting, meaningful relationships with others, we would never know what it is like to miss someone.

Be thankful for the memories, as the shock of the loss starts to slowly subside. We are all reminded at one time or another how fragile life is. Let us use this to further enjoy the time we have alone, and with others.

Leo, i wish you the best, but i know someone like you will only become stronger, and spread that strength to your devoted following.

http://www.YinVsYang.com

Mike Says:

July 15th, 2008, 9:58 am

Very good article, those are very good suggestions. I can definitely relate to movies/tv not being a good way to bond.

The Financial Philosopher Says:

July 15th, 2008, 10:19 am

Great message, Leo. This wisdom should be lived even without the passing of a loved one…

It is also important not to hyper-intentionally force a change in our emotions. While our suffering can be damaging to ourselves and to others, it can also be quite meaningful if we open our eyes to it and embrace our suffering rather than turning from it…

“In some way, suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning, such as the meaning of a sacrifice.” ~ Victor Frankl

“The resistance to the unpleasant situation is the root of suffering.” ~ Ram Dass

“Without accepting the fact that everything changes, we cannot find perfect composure. But unfortunately, although it is true, it is difficult for us to accept it. Because we cannot accept the truth of transience, we suffer.” ~ D.T. Suzuki

“If you are going through hell, keep going.” ~ Winston Churchill

I wish you well and it is my hope that you find meaning in your suffering, if you have not already done so…

Cheers…

Kent (The Financial Philosopher)

Bob Says:

July 15th, 2008, 10:43 am

Social anxiety and depression are sometimes linked. One can beget the other and vice versa. After 3 years trying to “cure” my own social anxiety, and only getting worse, I explained the symptoms to my doctor and she prescribed a mild tranquilizer. The point is: sometimes thinking, talking and willing are not enough. Anyone going through a major life event may need a little extra (prescribed) help even in addition to family, friends and activities..

EscapeVelocity Says:

July 15th, 2008, 11:05 am

I think my goal for next month might be to have more of my online activities be emailing people I actually know in RL rather than hanging out in “online communities”–one of mine contains a lot of people with disparaging attitudes about people of my gender, religion, and political opinions and reading that stuff makes me feel more like a cornered animal and less able to be myself around others. I already don’t read the letters to the editor of my newspaper for the same reason.

Rachel Says:

July 15th, 2008, 11:36 am

So when do we get the post on how to be happy and content when we’re *not* with people?

Kaled Asmri Says:

July 15th, 2008, 11:48 am

I think ‘private’ conversations with someone you love is one of my favorites…

hug a day from your lover will do just great ;)

- Kaled

Leo Sebastian Says:

July 15th, 2008, 11:53 am

Would like to add one more:

SMILE

smile a while and while u smile another smiles and there will be miles and miles of smiles”

Stephen Smith Says:

July 15th, 2008, 11:55 am

>>Leo, Smiling is a very under-rated activity!

Noel Kingsley Says:

July 15th, 2008, 12:04 pm

Gratitude is also a great healer. We can be grateful for all those people we have around us and for those other people we used to have around us and whose company we enjoyed. We can be grateful for all those past experiences with friends past and present that made us happy. By writing a list of 100 things we can be grateful for, no matter how small they are, can bring a real sense of joy, relief and happiness. And of course, by being happy, we attract more things into our life that makes us happy.

Beth Patterson Says:

July 15th, 2008, 12:05 pm

THANK YOU for this post–I woke feeling so disconnected from myself and my world…and there your post was!

So I wrote a post on the site I host (Virtual Tea House) and linked to this wonderful essay–

http://virtualteahouse.com/blogs/beth/archive/2008/07/15/bill-w-was-right.aspx

Thank you again–we never know, do we?

tsharp Says:

July 15th, 2008, 12:20 pm

You feel alone and need to connect with someone - be a good listener. Interesting

Mike OD - The IF Life Says:

July 15th, 2008, 12:29 pm

Spend a day smiling and talking to strangers….as we are never alone.

Heidi Says:

July 15th, 2008, 13:10 pm

My kids taught me this - at a time when I was feeling overwhelmed and didn’t know how to ask for help. I realized that the barriers were all in my mind (I can’t ask for help because I don’t know how, I would look like I can’t handle things, I would feel like a failure because I couldn’t handle it, no none could help me with this anyways, etc…).

And my children, with the clarity and innocence of youth, reminded me that all that stuff is irrelevant - all you have to do is ask for the love we need (a hug, someone to listen, etc…)

I actually wrote about it here: http://www.iwasthinking.ca/2008/06/09/cuddles/

Giyen Says:

July 15th, 2008, 13:39 pm

Being a friend (or stranger) to someone in need always cures me of feeling alone.

I am really sorry to hear about your loss. It’s never easy to lose a loved one, but I am so glad that you had the chance to be with her right before losing her. There is a lot of solace in being in someone’s presence right before they transcend this earth.

giyen

Annikka Says:

July 15th, 2008, 13:48 pm

your post reminds me of E.M. Forster’s saying,

Only connect

(thank you)

Terence Says:

July 15th, 2008, 17:16 pm

What a wonderful post, thanks! You painted the picture so vividly of the sometimes lonely journey we all must trudge in life sometimes.

A wonderful line in the song “Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys”, states it as well as I’ve ever seen: “Well, he’ll never stay home, and he’s always alone, even with someone he loves”.

What your loneliness around your auntie Kerry shows me, however, is the depth of the love you felt for her which tells me that you’re filled with love yourself.

You gave such wonderful advice and suggestions to deal with that universal loneliness.

I’d like to add my own, in the form of a ringing endorsement of one of the finest organizations I’ve been privileged to join, Alanon.

Alanon was originally founded to give comfort and support to families and friends of alcoholics. However, my experience shows that it will deal with ANY angst, pain, or problem we face in life.

And, a more wonderful and supportive community I’ve never found.

Leo Says:

July 15th, 2008, 18:51 pm

Thank you, everyone, for your wonderful comments! I was struck, when I read through some of the insightful things you added to what I had to say on this subject, by how darn intelligent my readership is! In addition to being strikingly attractive readers, of course. :)

Quiet Dragon Says:

July 15th, 2008, 20:13 pm

I disagree somewhat. Although I have appreciation for the inner lives, dreams, and personal histories of people, the events that make them who they are… when you REALLY connect with with them, it usually gets complicated, and awkward due to people’s naturally different natures. I fantasize about the warmth that comes from truly connecting in an honest way with people, but I settle for the joy of performing unexpected acts of kindness for them. It’s a small, momentary connection, I know… but i’ve only met a handful of truly open-minded, honest, knowledge-hungry people in my life, so i guess i’ve learned to settle.

Sabine Says:

July 15th, 2008, 21:00 pm

Peace and blessings to you and your family.

zania Says:

July 15th, 2008, 23:46 pm

Hi Leo,
I was sorry to read about your Auntie Kerry. I know how horrible it can be trying to face losing someone you love, but I didn’t comment on your earlier post as my Mother had just died and I was trying to cope with that.

Some of the things you mention help with that feeling of loneliness (a hug from my kids and my partner always helps), but even so, it is hard to overcome that feeling of isolation. When my Mum died, our family came together and it helped us all cope, but now we are all far away from each other in different countries, so our grief, although shared, is shared in isolation.

Some of the suggestions you have made and those made by others here may help in the long run, but at the present time, many of them seem too much. Perhaps later…

I guess we all have to find our own ways to cope with grief and I’m glad you are finding yours.

Take care
zania

Jennifer Lyall Says:

July 16th, 2008, 2:23 am

Random acts of kindness. Knowing that you are helping others can only make you smile. It shows that you can make a difference in this world, no matter how big or how small- you are an important being.

Being in action prevents you from falling into a slump.

Stay positive- you are very much loved and cared for.

Miss Gisele B | myBeautyMatch.com Says:

July 16th, 2008, 4:08 am

Awesome post. I completely agree with you.
I will share this with all my friends and relatives.

Ulla Says:

July 16th, 2008, 5:24 am

When I lost my husband last year, I tried a lot of the things you mentioned in your post. I found a group practicing English which meets every tuesday and I still participate in this group. I met with dear and close friends - to talk, to listen, to just be among them.
The important thing is to go out and do something. People are often unsure about in which way they could help you, and it’s very important to express one’s needs. It makes it much more easier for them to get in contact.

susan Says:

July 16th, 2008, 9:29 am

All terrific suggestions, but I see one aspect missing - spiritual. We all have a spiritual nature, and that is an important part of how we deal with grief, being alone, or being lonely.

When I’m not in tune with my spiritual self, all the other actions are meaningless. I can go through motions, but it has no depth, no value, no healing.

MONA Says:

July 16th, 2008, 11:06 am

Leo,
I want to let you know that your Aunt Kerry is being remembered in my prayers. We must pray a lot, prayer is comfort for the soul and mind.

Mona

Thomas Johnson Says:

July 16th, 2008, 20:42 pm

Some thoughts on Item #1 “Do some kind of activity with others”

I’ve found that a great way to do this is to turn the TV off … then you’ll naturally find something to do. For example when I go to visit my mother it’s all to easy to sit down in front of the TV and I find it too distracting and I don’t really connect with her. But if we turn the TV off and have a game of scrabble or I help her with some jobs outside - then we have some great conversations and appreciate each other a lot more.

Bauduin Says:

July 17th, 2008, 17:47 pm

I think of you and your family at this painful time.

Many thanks for your very inspiring blog.

Sincerely, Bauduin

Rose Garden Says:

July 17th, 2008, 19:08 pm

My condolences to you and your family on your loss, Leo.

Random thoughts / comments:
- Even married couples cuddled up in bed at night have to go to sleep alone…
- Learn to love yourself, enjoy your own company and be your own best friend
- Not everyone has had good experiences with other people, sometimes through no fault of their own - a tough obstacle to overcome in deciding to engage others for comfort
- If finding comfort with others is difficult, find comfort in nature, and in knowing each person has a unique place in the universe and a right to be here

Monica Says:

July 19th, 2008, 10:40 am

I have just signed in to this web site today and came across your post. I am very sorry to hear about your loss. I can’t say that I know what you are going through but I know it must be tough.
I wanted to add that my family and I have been through a tremendous loss since going through Hurricane Katrina a few years ago. I know that I was going through a really rough spot with depression and losing friends and family along with losing all of our possessions.
I spoke to a friend of mine about it to see if she had any suggestions and she possibly gave me the best advice I have had yet. She just told me to spend atleast 10-15 mins. a day outside in the sunlight if possible. Well I started to do this and it helped a lot. It also got me out to meet my neighbors.

Nicole Says:

July 20th, 2008, 1:35 am

*hugs*

You’re so, so very welcome. I am praying for you. :D

Laurie | Express Yourself to Success Says:

July 21st, 2008, 10:15 am

Great list - very helpful.

Sometimes it’s important to force yourself to go out and be with others. It can be easy to stay at home and feel sad, but if you can make yourself get dressed and get out to be with friends, they’ll make you feel so much better and you’ll be glad you forced yourself.

My condolences to you and your family.

Darla Says:

July 30th, 2008, 19:23 pm

Thank you for this heartfelt yet practical post. I agree with the other commenter that pets can also help as a stepping stone to connection, since they don’t hold any judgment or memory as a family or friend situation might. However, it’s not a good idea to isolate yourself from human contact even if you have pets.

It also might be useful to sign-up for a free community class (many yoga studios have discounted mid-day community classes or the YMCA has low-cost yoga, too), volunteer at a local charity, or just volunteer to help out a neighbor.

For those with social anxiety, challenge yourself to do one small, yet brave, thing each day. One thing that you normally wouldn’t do…. Remember the barista’s name at your local coffee shop and greet them by saying “Hello Sandy.” This can be a small step towards connecting with others.

I am not a psychologist either but these tips have helped people I know with their social anxiety.

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