By Leo Babauta

It’s been my finding that the more rigid we are, the less happy we are. And the more flexible we are, the happier we can be.

It’s not a guarantee, of course — being flexible doesn’t automatically grant you eternal happiness. But it does create a lot more possibility for peace, contentment and happiness.

Let’s explore why that is, then talk about how to become more flexible.

But first … what do I mean by rigidity? Here are some common examples:

• Intolerance for people.

• Needing to be right.

• Needing to get your way.

• Needing for things to be done your way.

• Needing to be certain or in control.

• Not allowing for people to have a range of opinions about things, or about you.

• Not being open to different perspectives or updating your beliefs based on new information.

• Unhappiness with changing plans.

• Being fixed in how you see yourself (“That’s just the way I am” or “I’m never _”).

There are, of course, a thousand more ways of being rigid and inflexible. If you understand the ones above … you might try to see where you can see rigidity in your own mindset. Try it for a week!

Why Rigidity Leads to Stress, Frustration, Anxiety, Unhappiness

Let’s look at some ways that a rigid mindset can cause some problems:

• Feeling stress or frustration when things inevitably change. Life is not set, it’s constantly changing. The world is unpredictable, we get surprises, things don’t meet our expectations. When we’re rigid, variations to what we expected become threats, which are stressful and frustrating.

• Hurting our relationships. If we insist on being right, if we get upset with the other person when they don’t meet our expectations, when we are judgmental … these hurt relationships and don’t allow for the other person to be who they are.

• Constantly striving for control that we can’t attain. We get stuck in indecision trying to come up with the “right” answer, we get stuck in perfectionism worrying about not getting it right, we try to make others act the way we want them to act. But this need for control leads to frustration all around … and even if we could “control” everything we’re trying to control, we’ll find that life is still uncertain and unpredictable and out of control.

• Never being able to meet rigid standards. Our rigid mindset means we’re trying to hit certain standards, but that means we’ll constantly be falling short (and feeling unhappy with ourselves about it) because we can never fully account for unpredictability when we set these targets. This also applies to other people not meeting our rigid standards, of course.

• Being stuck instead of growing. We get stuck in our familiar patterns even when they don’t work, because rigidity means we have an inability to be open to new learning, or to evolve to something new. We get more and more stuck in our ways, and in how we “know” ourselves to be.

Rigidity also leads to worse problem-solving, because we can’t see alternative solutions when we’re stuck in our fixed mindset.

Overall, what we can see is that rigidity means that we won’t be able to meet the unpredictability of life with openness, and instead will get stuck in frustration and unhappiness.

How to Be More Flexible

It starts with a simple intention to be more flexible. The phrase, “Be Flexible, Be Happy” is meant to remind us of that intention.

Next, we need to notice when we’re stressed and frustrated from rigidity. If you’re frustrated with yourself, or another person, or changes to plans … notice that you’re feeling frustrated. And then, instead of blaming it on other people, or blaming it on yourself … start to notice the rigidity that’s causing this frustration. Notice how it feels in your body — it’s a rigidity in your body and in your mind.

Once you’ve noticed, you might try this:

1. Take some deep breaths. Soothe your frustration. Relax your body with each deep breath, so that you’re relaxing the tightness in your body.

2. Ask yourself, “How can I be more flexible in this moment?” It might be reminding yourself that life is unpredictable and uncontrollable, and even remembering that this is a part of the beauty of life. It might be trying to accept things just as they are, right now, without needing them to be any different. When I do this, I can see the beauty in the person or the situation I’m facing.

3. Then ask, “How can I flexibly deal with this moment without needing to control everything?” For me, this is about taking the next small step, without needing to have everything be perfect.

As an example … let’s say I’m frustrated with someone complaining a lot. I might notice that I’m frustrated with their complaining attitude. I might notice that my body has tensed up.

Then I might breathe, soothe my frustration, relax my tensed muscles.

Then I might see the other person and appreciate them just as they are, complaints and all. I might appreciate how much they care. I might see that they are in stress, and have compassion for them.

And finally, I might take the next small step … perhaps I ask the person for a break and take some alone time, perhaps I listen to them with compassion. But I don’t need to control them.

There isn’t a perfect way to act in each situation, but if you do the first steps above, you’ll be in a more open, flexible place to take appropriate action.

How can you be more flexible today?