By Leo Babauta

Caring what others think of the work you do is a very human thing to do — but it can cause a lot of stress and anxiety, and then even lead to burnout and resignation if that stress goes on long enough.

For example, let’s say you’re in a leadership position where you get people regularly giving you feedback and comments and criticism … and let’s say those comments and feedback aren’t always very nice. (People can be jerks, surprise!)

This is stressful. And after doing this kind of work for a couple of years, it can be exhausting. It can make you want to give up. It’s not great for your mental health, and can even take a toll on your sleep and physical health. Not great.

So how do we deal with this kind of situation? Is it possible to let go of some of that need for external validation that leads to this kind of anxiety and exhaustion?

Let’s dive into this, and see what we can learn.

Take Care of Yourself First

First, if your mental and physical health are suffering, consider taking a short break. Ask for a month off (or whatever works for you), ask others to step in to cover your work if possible, and focus on recuperating your mental health. A break is often important if you’re drained.

If you’re drained, you’re not likely to have the emotional capacity and resilience to handle criticism and negativity. So take care of yourself first.

What can you do to take care of yourself? Can you give yourself rest, some peace, some time alone, some nurturing? Can you get support from loved ones, or a therapist? Can you start to take care of your sleep and physical health?

Set Some Healthy Boundaries

Before you even come back, consider what healthy boundaries you might set to protect your mental well-being. And then put them into place as you step back in after your break.

For example, you might welcome people’s feedback or comments, but set guidelines that feel healthy to you — the comments should be constructive and not hateful, perhaps.

You might consider having someone else screen the feedback, at least for awhile. Someone who isn’t as personally involved and who wouldn’t take the feedback personally. Tell them to ignore comments or feedback that don’t follow the guidelines, and only send you those that do.

These ideas (and others you might think of) are meant to give you some protection so you don’t fall into the old place of anxiety and burnout again, while you work on taking things less personally.

Examine the Meaning You’re Making

Spend a little time reflecting on what meaning you’re giving to negative comments. For example, does it feel like negative comments mean something about you personally, and whether you’re a good person or doing a good job?

This is what makes the feedback so intense. If they were comments about a stranger, and not you, would they be so difficult for you?

Now imagine the comments had no meaning about you at all — they’re about someone else entirely, or no one in particular. Could they be less draining then? This is what we might shoot for — removing any meaning you might give it that’s about you.

Create a New Meaning, and Practice

Now see if you can give the feedback and comments some new meaning that have nothing to do with you personally.

For example, negative comments could mean:

• The other person is having an emotional problem separate from you

• You can bring compassion to their difficulty

• You could learn something from the experience about them, about helping them

• You can trust them to have emotions, and to take care of their own emotions

• Human interactions are messy and beautiful, like the ocean

These are just some ideas, of course. What can you create?

Now practice: imagine getting negative comments, and view them using your new meaning. What could that feel like? Practice whenever someone gives you any feedback at all, even if it’s not negative.

Acknowledge Yourself Regularly

Finally, practice acknowledging yourself for all of your efforts, no matter what anyone else might be saying. They don’t have to be happy with you — but you should still be proud of yourself, no matter how things go.

This isn’t how we’re trained to be — we think we need to get validation from others to feel good about ourselves. But be your own source of validation. Acknowledge your efforts, any progress you make, your good intentions and good heart.

With this kind of practice, you can let go of that external validation, little by little.