By Leo Babauta

It happens: sometimes a comment from someone else can just ruin your day, or a message that feels hurtful can send you spiraling.

The sting feels personal, and you might replay this offense in your mind over and over. It’s such a human reaction.

Today I’m going to share wisdom from three ancient philosophies — Buddhism, Stoicism, and the Toltecs — that can help to not take things so personally. As we practice this, our day becomes a bit more peaceful, and we become less shut down.

What makes these teachings so powerful — and not so easy to implement — is that they demand we let go of something important: the idea that how others talk about us or treat us has some reflection on our worth as a person. This idea is not a fact, but a concept we assume. And letting it go can be liberating.

The Second Agreement

Don Miguel Ruiz, trained in the spiritual tradition of the Toltecs, wrote a book called, “The Four Agreements,” in which the second agreement is “Don’t take anything personally.”

He teaches that nothing other people do is because of you, but because of themselves — and the reality they’re living in, in their own heads.

Taking things personally, then, is rooted in what he calls “personal importance” — the assumption that everything is about you. What a strange assumption we make!

He adds that when we take something personally, we’re basically taking someone else’s “emotional garbage” and making it our own.

If we practice not taking things personally, we don’t have to place our trust in what others do or say — but rather trust ourselves to make responsible choices. We’re only responsible for our own actions, not those of others. This gives us the freedom to move through the world without being wounded by the opinions or judgments of other people.

How to practice:

• Write this agreement down, stick it somewhere visible. Build awareness of when you’re taking something personally, by noticing when you’re feeling offended.

• Journal about it, even for just 5 minutes a day, and note how it made you feel. Don’t focus on what the other person said or did.

• Use a mantra to remind you, like “This isn’t about me” or “They’re doing their best.”

• When you notice yourself getting triggered, pause. Breathe. Remind yourself of the mantra. Bring some curiosity to what they’re saying.

The practice takes time, dropping this old habit isn’t easy at all, because when we’re caught up in it, it feels really true. Over time, it feels less true.

Buddhism: There’s No Self to Attack

In Buddhism, one of the main teachings is that the way we see ourselves (as separate and unchanging) is an illusion of the mind. This is a deep topic that can take a lifetime to study.

But the practical application can be simpler: If someone is criticizing you, they’re not really criticizing you … they’re criticizing their mistaken idea of you. And there’s not really a “you” to defend!

When we understand that a person’s words and actions are a reflection of all of their life’s history and conditioning, and the stress they’re under right now, we might also have some compassion for them when they behave less-than-ideally. We might shift from, “Why are you doing this to me?” to “What pain are you going through?”

And once we realize that this self-importance we usually have is an illusion created in our own minds … we can also see that it’s our own decision whether we take something personally or not. That gives us a sense of empowerment, in the face of someone else’s words and actions.

Stoics:

The Stoics had lots of useful things to say on this topic, but for today I’ll just focus on one of my favorites, Epictetus.

He advised asking: “Is this something that is, or is not, in my control?” Other people’s thoughts, feelings, words and actions are not in our control. And so he advised the reaction, “Then it’s none of my concern.”

Taking things out of your control as your concern will only create misery.

Epictetus also wrote that whether or not we’re harmed by what others say is up to us — if we choose to be harmed, then we are.

“It is not he who reviles or strikes you who insults you, but your opinion that these things are insulting”.

How to practice:

• Pause before reacting — don’t respond impulsively to the impression you get from someone else. This allows reason to come back online before emotions take over.

• If someone speaks ill of you, instead of defending yourself, you can answer, “You must be ignorant of my other faults, or you wouldn’t speak of that one fault alone.” This allows humor to take the sting out of criticism.

• Take in feedback: if there’s someone giving you feedback whose opinion you value, don’t ignore that feedback, but see what you can learn from it.

Epictetus, like Don Miguel Ruiz and the Buddhists, helps you to place control squarely back in your own hands.