18 Practical Tips for Living the Golden Rule

Every Thursday is Happiness Day on Zen Habits.

“…thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.”, Leviticus 19:18

One of the few rules I try to live my life by, and fail every day trying, is the Golden Rule.

I love the simplicity of the Golden Rule, its tendency to make I interact with happier … and its tendency to make me happier as well.

It’s true: the rule of treating others as you would want to be treated in their place will ultimately lead to your own happiness.

Let’s say that you apply the Golden Rule in all of your interactions with other people, and you help your neighbors, you treat your family with kindness, you go the extra mile for your co-workers, you help a stranger in need.

Now, those actions will undoubtedly be good for the people you help and are kind to … but you’ll also notice a strange thing. People will treat you better too, certainly. Beyond that, though, you will find a growing satisfaction in yourself, a belief in yourself, a knowledge that you are a good person and a trust in yourself.

Those are not small dividends. They are huge. And for that reason — not even considering that our world will be a better place if more people live by this rule — I recommend you make the Golden Rule a focus of your actions, and try to live by it to the extent that you can.

I will admit that there are strong arguments against the Golden Rule, that there are exceptions and logic arguments that the Golden Rule, taken to extremes, falls apart. I’m not concerned about that stuff. The truth is, on a day-to-day basis, living by the Golden Rule will make you a better person, will make those around you happier, and will make the community you live in a better place.

With that in mind, let’s take a look at some practical tips for living the Golden Rule in your daily life:

Practice empathy. Make it a habit to try to place yourself in the shoes of another person. Any person. Loved ones, co-workers, people you meet on the street. Really try to understand, to the extent that you can, what it is like to be them, what they are going through, and why they do what they do.
Practice compassion. Once you can understand another person, and feel what they’re going through, learn to want to end their suffering. And when you can, take even a small action to somehow ease their suffering in some way.
How would you want to be treated? The Golden Rule doesn’t really mean that you should treat someone else exactly as you’d want them to treat you … it means that you should try to imagine how they want to be treated, and do that. So when you put yourself in their shoes, ask yourself how you think they want to be treated. Ask yourself how you would want to be treated if you were in their situation. John F. Kennedy did that during the controversial days of de-segregation in the 1960s, asking white Americans to imagine being looked down upon and treated badly based only on the color of their skin. He asked them to imagine how they would want to be treated if they were in that situation, and act accordingly towards the blacks.
Be friendly. When in doubt, follow this tip. It’s usually safe to be friendly towards others. Of course, there are times when others just don’t want someone acting friendly towards them, and you should be sensitive to that. You should also be friendly within the bounds of appropriateness. But who doesn’t like to feel welcome and wanted?
Be helpful. This is probably one of the weaknesses of our society. Sure, there are many people who go out of their way to be helpful, and I applaud them. But in general there is a tendency to keep to yourself, and to ignore the problems of others. Don’t be blind to the needs and troubles of others. Look to help even before you’re asked.
Be courteous in traffic. Another weakness of our society. There are few times when we are as selfish as when we’re driving. We don’t want to give up the right of way, we cut people off, we honk and curse. Perhaps it’s the isolation of the automobile. We certainly don’t act that rude in person, most of the time. So try to be courteous in traffic.
Listen to others. Another weakness: we all want to talk, but very few of us want to listen. And yet, we all want to be listened to. So take the time to actually listen to another person, rather than just wait your turn to talk. It’ll also go a long way to helping you understand others.
Overcome prejudice. We all have our prejudices, whether it’s based on skin color, attractiveness, height, age, gender … it’s human nature, I guess. But try to see each person as an individual human being, with different backgrounds and needs and dreams. And try to see the commonalities between you and that person, despite your differences.
Stop criticism. We all have a tendency to criticize others, whether it’s people we know or people we see on television. However, ask yourself if you would like to be criticized in that person’s situation. The answer is almost always “no”. So hold back your criticism, and instead learn to interact with others in a positive way.
Don’t control others. It’s also rare that people want to be controlled. Trust me. So don’t do it. This is a difficult thing, especially if we are conditioned to control people. But when you get the urge to control, put yourself in that person’s shoes. You would want freedom and autonomy and trust, wouldn’t you? Give that to others then.
Be a child. The urge to control and criticize is especially strong when we are adults dealing with children. In some cases, it’s necessary, of course: you don’t want the child to hurt himself, for example. But in most cases, it’s not. Put yourself in the shoes of that child. Remember what it was like to be a child, and to be criticized and controlled. You probably didn’t like it. How would you want to be treated if you were that child?
Send yourself a reminder. Email yourself a daily reminder (use Google Calendar or memotome.com, for example) to live your life by the Golden Rule, so you don’t forget.
Tie a string to your finger. Or give yourself some other reminder throughout the day so that you don’t forget to follow the Golden Rule in all interactions with others. Perhaps a fake golden ring on your keychain? A tattoo? :)
Post it on your wall or make it your home page. The Golden Rule makes a great mantra, and a great poster.
Rise above retaliation. We have a tendency to strike back when we’re treated badly. This is natural. Resist that urge. The Golden Rule isn’t about retaliation. It’s about treating others well, despite how they treat you. Does that mean you should be a doormat? No … you have to assert your rights, of course, but you can do so in a way where you still treat others well and don’t strike back just because they treated you badly first. Remember Jesus’ wise (but difficult to follow) advice: turn the other cheek.
Be the change. Gandhi famously told us to be the change we want to see in the world. Well, we often think of that quote as applying to grand changes, such as poverty and racism and violence. Well, sure, it does apply to those things … but it also applies on a much smaller scale: to all the small interactions between people. Do you want people to treat each other with more compassion and kindness? Then let it start with you. Even if the world doesn’t change, at least you have.
Notice how it makes you feel. Notice how your actions affect others, especially when you start to treat them with kindness, compassion, respect, trust, love. But also notice the change in yourself. Do you feel better about yourself? Happier? More secure? More willing to trust others, now that you trust yourself? These changes come slowly and in small increments, but if you pay attention, you’ll see them.
Say a prayer. There is a prayer on the Golden Rule, attributed to Eusebius of Caesarea, that would be worth saying once a day. It includes the following lines, among others: “May I gain no victory that harms me or my opponent.
May I reconcile friends who are mad at each other.
May I, insofar as I can, give all necessary
help to my friends and to all who are in need.
May I never fail a friend in trouble.”

See also:

If you liked this article, please bookmark it in del.icio.us. Thanks!

18 Practical Tips for Living the Golden Rule

Every Thursday is Happiness Day on Zen Habits.

“…thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.”, Leviticus 19:18

One of the few rules I try to live my life by, and fail every day trying, is the Golden Rule.

I love the simplicity of the Golden Rule, its tendency to make I interact with happier … and its tendency to make me happier as well.

It’s true: the rule of treating others as you would want to be treated in their place will ultimately lead to your own happiness.

With that in mind, let’s take a look at some practical tips for living the Golden Rule in your daily life:

Practice empathy. Make it a habit to try to place yourself in the shoes of another person. Any person. Loved ones, co-workers, people you meet on the street. Really try to understand, to the extent that you can, what it is like to be them, what they are going through, and why they do what they do.
Practice compassion. Once you can understand another person, and feel what they’re going through, learn to want to end their suffering. And when you can, take even a small action to somehow ease their suffering in some way.
How would you want to be treated? The Golden Rule doesn’t really mean that you should treat someone else exactly as you’d want them to treat you … it means that you should try to imagine how they want to be treated, and do that. So when you put yourself in their shoes, ask yourself how you think they want to be treated. Ask yourself how you would want to be treated if you were in their situation. John F. Kennedy did that during the controversial days of de-segregation in the 1960s, asking white Americans to imagine being looked down upon and treated badly based only on the color of their skin. He asked them to imagine how they would want to be treated if they were in that situation, and act accordingly towards the blacks.
Be friendly. When in doubt, follow this tip. It’s usually safe to be friendly towards others. Of course, there are times when others just don’t want someone acting friendly towards them, and you should be sensitive to that. You should also be friendly within the bounds of appropriateness. But who doesn’t like to feel welcome and wanted?
Be helpful. This is probably one of the weaknesses of our society. Sure, there are many people who go out of their way to be helpful, and I applaud them. But in general there is a tendency to keep to yourself, and to ignore the problems of others. Don’t be blind to the needs and troubles of others. Look to help even before you’re asked.
Be courteous in traffic. Another weakness of our society. There are few times when we are as selfish as when we’re driving. We don’t want to give up the right of way, we cut people off, we honk and curse. Perhaps it’s the isolation of the automobile. We certainly don’t act that rude in person, most of the time. So try to be courteous in traffic.
Listen to others. Another weakness: we all want to talk, but very few of us want to listen. And yet, we all want to be listened to. So take the time to actually listen to another person, rather than just wait your turn to talk. It’ll also go a long way to helping you understand others.
Overcome prejudice. We all have our prejudices, whether it’s based on skin color, attractiveness, height, age, gender … it’s human nature, I guess. But try to see each person as an individual human being, with different backgrounds and needs and dreams. And try to see the commonalities between you and that person, despite your differences.
Stop criticism. We all have a tendency to criticize others, whether it’s people we know or people we see on television. However, ask yourself if you would like to be criticized in that person’s situation. The answer is almost always “no”. So hold back your criticism, and instead learn to interact with others in a positive way.
Don’t control others. It’s also rare that people want to be controlled. Trust me. So don’t do it. This is a difficult thing, especially if we are conditioned to control people. But when you get the urge to control, put yourself in that person’s shoes. You would want freedom and autonomy and trust, wouldn’t you? Give that to others then.
Be a child. The urge to control and criticize is especially strong when we are adults dealing with children. In some cases, it’s necessary, of course: you don’t want the child to hurt himself, for example. But in most cases, it’s not. Put yourself in the shoes of that child. Remember what it was like to be a child, and to be criticized and controlled. You probably didn’t like it. How would you want to be treated if you were that child?
Send yourself a reminder. Email yourself a daily reminder (use Google Calendar or memotome.com, for example) to live your life by the Golden Rule, so you don’t forget.
Tie a string to your finger. Or give yourself some other reminder throughout the day so that you don’t forget to follow the Golden Rule in all interactions with others. Perhaps a fake golden ring on your keychain? A tattoo? :)
Post it on your wall or make it your home page. The Golden Rule makes a great mantra, and a great poster.
Rise above retaliation. We have a tendency to strike back when we’re treated badly. This is natural. Resist that urge. The Golden Rule isn’t about retaliation. It’s about treating others well, despite how they treat you. Does that mean you should be a doormat? No … you have to assert your rights, of course, but you can do so in a way where you still treat others well and don’t strike back just because they treated you badly first. Remember Jesus’ wise (but difficult to follow) advice: turn the other cheek.
Be the change. Gandhi famously told us to be the change we want to see in the world. Well, we often think of that quote as applying to grand changes, such as poverty and racism and violence. Well, sure, it does apply to those things … but it also applies on a much smaller scale: to all the small interactions between people. Do you want people to treat each other with more compassion and kindness? Then let it start with you. Even if the world doesn’t change, at least you have.
Notice how it makes you feel. Notice how your actions affect others, especially when you start to treat them with kindness, compassion, respect, trust, love. But also notice the change in yourself. Do you feel better about yourself? Happier? More secure? More willing to trust others, now that you trust yourself? These changes come slowly and in small increments, but if you pay attention, you’ll see them.
Say a prayer. There is a prayer on the Golden Rule, attributed to Eusebius of Caesarea, that would be worth saying once a day. It includes the following lines, among others: “May I gain no victory that harms me or my opponent.
May I reconcile friends who are mad at each other.
May I, insofar as I can, give all necessary
help to my friends and to all who are in need.
May I never fail a friend in trouble.”

See also:

If you liked this article, please bookmark it in del.icio.us. Thanks!

Posted on 26 July 2007 in Happiness |
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Comments (39)

Dennis Bjørn Petersen Says:

July 26th, 2007, 7:35 am

So simple, yet so effective.

I’m proud to say that I can follow each and everyone of the points mentioned…except for the traffic one. I’m very courteous, but if someone is driving too slow and I can’t pass I tend to get provokingly close to the car in front of me :-/

LB from BufaD Says:

July 26th, 2007, 8:34 am

This is very pertinent for me today — a good reminder and a great guideline. I am trying to be the change I want to see in my life, and this is a helpful reference. Thanks!

Alex Ion Says:

July 26th, 2007, 8:42 am

Simple indeed.

I need to say I am so good at doing number 11.
Being a child!

jerry Says:

July 26th, 2007, 9:03 am

Of course its a tremendously simple idea and if followed would be amazing–unfortunately i dont see it practiced much in our seemingly ever increasing selfish society–tell me i’m wrong!!!

Deb Estep Says:

July 26th, 2007, 9:16 am

I’m not so sure I would say trying to live by
the Golden Rule means failing to do so.
Falling short or not being as mindful as you
could be, is not exactly failing.

I have my Mom to thank for the instillation
of the Golden Rule. From a very young age,
or as long back as I can recall these were
her words……

“Do unto others, as you would have them
do unto you”.

In teaching my children, I modernized it
a bit ….

“Treat people the way you would want
them to treat you”.

When you stop and think about it,
I bet you would not find one person who
could not tell you what the Golden Rule
means, it’s the day to day living of it that
takes some purposeful thought.

Thanks Leo for the reminder.

Steve Says:

July 26th, 2007, 9:34 am

Thank you. Very insightful. Sometimes there are simple answers to some of our problems and this is one of them.

Aaron J. Walker Says:

July 26th, 2007, 11:30 am

The article you site as an example of the “problems” with the Golden Rule are off base. The author starts from an erroneous base and therefore reaches an erroneous conclusion.

Your article is fine however. Thanks for posting.

Brian Clark Says:

July 26th, 2007, 11:44 am

If you’re not into simplicity, you could study Immanuel Kant instead, and end up at the more or less the same place. :)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Categorical_imperative

Amy Says:

July 26th, 2007, 12:03 pm

Thanks for the great article. Sometimes we stumble upon exactly what we need to hear!

Dave Says:

July 26th, 2007, 12:29 pm

5) Being Helpful. Reminds me of the animated movie “Robots” where Mr. Bigweld says where you “See a need, Fill a need”!

Leo Says:

July 26th, 2007, 18:27 pm

@Brian Clark: Kant actually dismissed the Golden Rule in a footnote of his. Maybe that’s because it is so simple it would have put him out of business? ;)

Fredrick Says:

July 26th, 2007, 19:19 pm

Regarding your points about empathy and compassion - Are you familiar with the work of Marshal Rosenberg and Non-Violent Communications? http://www.nvc.org

Wonderful blog!

quench Says:

July 26th, 2007, 21:44 pm

Kant dismissed the Golden Rule for good reason: if you have bad desires, and don’t mind being treated in ways that others would very much mind, then it’s not so good!

Tom O'Leary Says:

July 27th, 2007, 0:19 am

I really like the prayer at point #18. Especially:
“May I gain no victory that harms me or my opponent.”

We often don’t look beyond the immediate victory to see the bigger outcomes for ourselves, our opponents or the others nearby.

Thanks
Tom

Bigg Matt Says:

July 27th, 2007, 3:20 am

“it means that you should try to imagine how they want to be treated, and do that. ”

I disagree. There many times that how another person wants to be treated is not good for them. Even if they don’t like it, if it is truly good for them, they will be grateful later.

I think that is what the golden rule means for me. If i treat people good it will return.

Leo Says:

July 27th, 2007, 4:04 am

@quench: Actually, the way I interpret the Golden Rule is that you must imagine how they would want to be treated … not that you should treat them as you want to be treated.

This means that masochists, for example, shouldn’t hurt others just because they themselves would want to be hurt. They should imagine how others want to be treated and follow that guide. This is why I started the tips with an exercise in empathy — it’s the foundation of the Golden Rule as I see it.

@Bigg Matt: I see your point, but I still think that we should treat others as they want to be treated, and not be the judge of what is good for them. This is what I meant when I talked about being controlling — too often we think we know what’s best for people, and try to give that to them even if they don’t want it. But why are we the judge of what’s best for them, and not them? I can see an argument if we’re talking about children, who *might* not know better, but it’s patronizing when you’re talking about adults.

Ged Says:

July 27th, 2007, 4:45 am

@Leo:
The pragmatic principles that you follow seem very nice and admirable. For a deeper understanding of ethics, however, you really should look into the “dark side” of the golden rule. It is fundamentally flawed, as it is open to very bad interpretations. As such, it forms no good foundation for morality at all. Above all, the golden rule allows religious fundamentalists to justify many horrible acts.

Put it another way; the golden rule allows others to impose their rules and morals on you without consulting you at all. Is this how you would want to live?

Leo Says:

July 27th, 2007, 5:46 am

@Ged: As I said in the article, I’ve looked into these arguments, but didn’t want to get into them. The problem is that the arguments rely on taking the Golden Rule to extremes, and at that point, the rule falls apart.

However, on a practical, day-to-day basis, it is a perfectly good way to conduct your life, and it is in no way imposing anything on others. Just the opposite in fact: in most cases, when people don’t follow the Golden Rule, they impose things on others they don’t want. In the above examples, when you’re rude to other drivers, or racist, or if you ignore the problems of your neighbors … you are imposing things upon others that they don’t want. Following the Golden Rule would be much better in these cases, and I think that’s the majority of cases.

The thing is, I haven’t found a better rule to live by. There isn’t one rule that can survive the extremes to which the Golden Rule is taken in these arguments. Even a set of many rules would have problems if you probed far enough.

However, I’m open to suggestions! If someone has a better rule or set of rules than the Golden Rule, let me know! Perhaps it would make a good article.

Shine Says:

July 27th, 2007, 5:46 am

Leo thanks for the post, great as always. We try everyday, and we fail everyday - the most important is, we keep trying - and learn the golden rule by heart. It comes from the heart.

Leo Says:

July 27th, 2007, 5:47 am

Also, regarding religious fundamentalists using the Golden Rule to justify horrendous acts … that’s because they are applying a flawed interpretation of the Golden Rule, as I said in a previous comment. You can’t treat others as you want to be treated. You have to treat them as they want to be treated (as you understand it, through applying empathy).

Bigg Matt Says:

July 27th, 2007, 8:01 am

@Leo

Well I didn’t mean to be controlling. I never want to make others people choices for them. I didn’t mean for it to go beyond obvious situations. To put it in those terms though: It is also important to not be enabling.

Like choosing not to help an obsessed friend to spy on his wife to see if she’s cheating.

Not giving just a couple bucks to a drug addicted friend, who says they need the money for food, just give them food.

Wake Up Early Says:

July 27th, 2007, 9:12 am

I’ve read about another version of golden rule -

treat others as THEY would want to be treated.

Makes sense?

//Sleeping Dude

Jon Symons Says:

July 31st, 2007, 12:37 pm

I like Robert Kiyosaki’s version of the Golden Rule:
“He who has the gold, rules.”

paul Says:

August 18th, 2007, 17:32 pm

I’ve looked into these arguments, but didn’t want to get into them.

Then perhaps you should turn off the comments. Otherwise you just want digital backslapping and “Huzzah for Leo”.

Leo Says:

August 18th, 2007, 18:19 pm

@paul: I didn’t mean to imply that you guys can’t get into the arguments against the Golden Rule … I just didn’t want to talk about them in the article, because it would cause the article to go too long. But I did (briefly) address those issues in the comment you quote from … that arguments against the Golden Rule rely on taking things to extremes, and that on a day-to-day basis the Golden Rule works very well.

If you look at other comment threads on this site, you’ll notice that I allow lots of negative comments and criticism, and try to take them in stride, and actually encourage discussion. I’ve never tried to get only digital backslapping, and in fact I welcome civil debate, as it gets people thinking. Thanks, Paul, for your comment!

John Says:

August 18th, 2007, 19:24 pm

“The Golden Rule” is backwards. It should read: “Do unto others as they would have you do unto them.” Otherwise, we will always try to force our values onto others, and peace can be neither ours NOR theirs.

Erin Says:

August 18th, 2007, 19:41 pm

The people who practice the Golden Rule are the same ones who will hold up traffic to let someone exit from a low-traffic side street onto a high-traffic street.

The value of pessimism here is that you see this act for what it really is: a selfish one. There is no way to be kind to one person without screwing several others.

Faith alone justifies man. Acts of faith do not.

Ben Says:

August 18th, 2007, 21:01 pm

I’m not sure where all this ‘good will return to you’ stuff is coming from, guys. Jesus spoke the words of the Golden Rule, picking up on the line from Leviticus, and it wasn’t a suggestion for making friends and influencing people or having a happier life. It was a command:

“So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets [ie. the Old Testament].” (Matthew chapter 7 verse 12)

The reason Jesus says, “as you would have them do to you” is because we all want to be treated well. When these words of Jesus’ are quoted in Luke chapter 6 verse 31, the very thing he says afterwards is:

“If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even‘sinners’ love those who love them.”

He commands it because is it *right*, not because it will result in others doing good things to you, although I think that is what will happen in many cases. People who have been given much by the Father, forgiven their sins, will seek to live lives of obedience to God, doing right to others.

Jon Symons Says:

August 18th, 2007, 21:11 pm

The golden rule is not for your benefit in the way that “things will return to you.”

It is much more direct than that. “Do unto others…” is because the concept of “others” is purely an illusion. You cannot do harm or kindness to others without doing it to yourself. The separation that we experience between ourselves and “others” or animals or the environment is illusory.

We are the others. That I believe is the real “lesson” of the golden rule.

Howie Says:

August 18th, 2007, 21:24 pm

Like most preachings and teachings and lessons people try to teach others, it is inherently flawed due to how people interpret them. And trying to clarify something as simple as The Golden Rule only leads to more complicated explanations which leads to more flawed interpretations. The Golden Rule isn’t exactly “zen” or Buddhist either. Simply relieve the self of any desires. Desires breed ego, and without ego, one would naturally be kinder to others. (People may argue about whether the elimination of desire would make people become nicer to others, that is because most people have felt a desire of some sort and all subsequent feelings and emotions develop from desire. One must completely remove the concept of desire from one’s mind before the next step can take place.)

Robin Says:

August 19th, 2007, 5:00 am

Reminds Buddhist practices.

“Cherishing ourselves in the gateway to all harm and faults, while cherishing others in the gateway to happiness and good qualities”

The Kindness of others

Q-Garden Says:

August 19th, 2007, 5:03 am

good i have no driving license.
coz since now I’m jesus ^^ (u’d need to see my hair to agree)

Forbrukslån Says:

August 19th, 2007, 6:35 am

Great post. I like your approach to the criticism of the golden rule - often one can find cracks in any system when they are taken to the extremes - but that doesn’t necessarily say that the system can’t be used in daily life.

Keep up the good work!

Andy Havens Says:

August 19th, 2007, 17:17 pm

Thanks for this neat article. It finally gave me a kick in the pants as far as writing a post on the subject I’ve had in my wee haid for some time: lThe Quantity of Mercy.

Glennette Says:

October 11th, 2007, 16:12 pm

I agree with everything. The Golden Rule is the best rule to live by, however, one very important element is missing. That element is treating yourself well. If you truly value yourself, not in a selfish way, the Golden Rule comes naturally.

Mishkin Berteig Says:

November 1st, 2007, 12:10 pm

The Golden Rule is great because it is common across all faiths. It is a part of the scripture of every world religion. A quick google search will get you to many web sites which list these examples.

Dave Says:

December 4th, 2007, 0:00 am

u8hQ6B :) are it. that found have search able? I to You not ,

Debbie Says:

January 25th, 2008, 23:53 pm

The Golden Rule across some religions..

Bahai Faith-…choose thou for thy neighbor that which thou choosest for thyself.

Islam-None of you truly believes until he wishes for his brother what he wishes for himself.

Judaism-Love thy neighbor as thyself.

Bhuddhism-Make thine own self the measure of the others and so abstain from causing hurt to them.

Hinduism-Do not to others what ye do not wish done to yourself, and wish for others too what ye desire and long for, for yourself.

Christianity-And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise.

For more inspiring and sacred writings go to:
http://www.bahai.us/

Peace.

Steve Harold - London Hypnosis Says:

April 4th, 2008, 3:45 am

What a fantastic list of guidelines to live with. If only we all could follow these more of the time what a better place the world could be. Mind everything has to start somewhere.

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