The Value of a Parent Staying Home with Kids, and Tips on How to Do It

Abel Says:

August 7th, 2007, 6:01 am

Leo, I’d like to point out that you can still be “wealthy” working from home. I don’t want you to give the impression that stay at home parents are poor financially. This is definitely not the case.

But folks, if you aim to work from home but struggling because of financial reasons, Leo have given some great tips there.

I can attest to the benefits as I work from home too. For things that I learn from children, you may want to check out this too:

http://calimckoys.blogspot.com/2007/07/parent-wonder-guest-post.html

Red Zinnia Says:

August 7th, 2007, 7:24 am

Another great post, Leo! I work from home so I can be with our kids and wouldn’t trade it for the world.

Too bad there’s not a “happiness/peace/serenity” column on balance sheets. Some experiences are priceless. For parents and for kids.

~ Lisa

Gustaf Brandberg Says:

August 7th, 2007, 8:20 am

Leo,

I am just curious: did you ever consider staying at home yourself? Did you ever discuss this with your wife?

In Sweden, it is more and more common that both parents stay at home the equal amount of time, but it seems it it still very unusual in other countries.

diane Says:

August 7th, 2007, 8:22 am

I stayed home with my two kids until they were well into elementary school. There weren’t many day care options then (25 years ago) and my husband and I agreed that my being with our children, particularly when they were pre-school age, was important. We didn’t have a very large income, but we managed. I believe we made the proper choice, however there were some less than desirable consequences. I’m still teaching (a career change) at age 60, when most of my colleagues retire at 55. We have a modest retirement fund, but don’t anticipate being able to indulge in any elaborate traveling, etc. when we both finally leave our jobs. I’m not sure we would be able to survive financially if we were a modern young couple contemplating a similar scenario. Sadly, being a stay-at-home parent is not an option for many adults these days.

Colleen Says:

August 7th, 2007, 8:26 am

Wonderful post! Like Red Zinnia, I also work from home while being there for my two daughters. While the girls were babies, working from home wasn’t much of an option. I did some freelance writing, but not enough to significantly help our finances. Now that the girls are both a bit bigger, I’m able to work full-time from home. They play while I work, and we have meals and playtime together when I take breaks. We made a lot of the same sacrifices as you: one car, getting rid of credit cards, just spending a lot less in general. It’s always amazing how much you can do without if there’s something bigger and more important (in this case, our kids) that you’re prioritizing your life around. The really great thing is that I’ve almost reached the point of earning as much from home as I did in my last job, so I may very well be working at home even after the girls start school!

Leo Says:

August 7th, 2007, 8:56 am

Great comments, guys! Glad to hear others sharing their experiences.

@Gustaf: I did consider my staying home, but we decided on Eva staying home instead based on the reasons I gave in the article. But I have nothing against the father staying home, and would have loved to do so myself.

@Abel: I didn’t mean to imply that stay-at-home parents are poor or not wealthy. But I know that there are others in my situation, where finances are tight and going from two incomes to one is difficult.

roshan Says:

August 7th, 2007, 10:06 am

i rarely comment on blogs, but was moved to here - great post and great advice…

we made the decision for me (dad) to stay home two days per week after mum went back to work (full-time) - it’s not easy, but i was able to convince my boss and ceo that i could make a 3 day week work for my team - and it has, with a little extra attention when i am there… at home, xavier gets his dad for two full days and its brilliant for us - we have had to make some financial adjustments of course, and xavier still has daycare 3 days per week (and he loves it!)

even though we can’t spend every day at home with our son, even this little bit makes a difference to us and xavier - i would encourage everyone to at least try for one or two days between a couple - it’s very rewarding!

Quint Says:

August 7th, 2007, 10:11 am

My wife and I made the decision for her to stay home when our second child was born. We were very young, and I wasn’t making very much money, so it was incredibly difficult. It took over 2 years for my income to grow to replace hers.

Today, we are thankful that we made the decision, but paying off large debts accumulated over the past few years. The debts are challenging, but the value we have received from having a parent home to care for our children has been priceless.

Amy Says:

August 7th, 2007, 10:55 am

I am so grateful to you for writing this post. My partner stays home with our daughter, now 2, while I am working full time. We have received a LOT of criticism for our decision and pressure to take our daughter to day care. We even selected a day care and started to take her, but after watching the caregivers let another little girl cry herself to sleep for 45 MINUTES, I pulled the plug.

Money is tight and we made a lot of the changes you described (including Kate being stuck at home with no car most days), but overall it is totally worth it, knowing that this is a precious time we will never get to have again.

Thanks for the reinforcement that we’re not the only ones who feel this way.

David Says:

August 7th, 2007, 10:59 am

I’ll never forget the first time I dropped my daughter off to day care. She was just two and she played me like a cheap fiddle. It was a rainy day and I kissed her and told her Mommy would be back to pick her up … trying to put a brave face on for her. And as I’m walking away she says “Daddy … save me!” That little two year old shot me right through the heart. I got in my car and cried. Then I started planning. Just a few years later we had our second child and my wife changed careers. She is now the CEO and Chief Muckymuck of our household. It has been tough but really not so bad. So our cars are not as new or fancy as everyone elses. We are still very rich in the most important ways.

Mai Says:

August 7th, 2007, 11:12 am

In my opinion, family is #1. I think it’s important to stay home with your children when they’re at a young age so you can bond and teach them. Social time is important too, and in my local area I’ve found a type of “mothers group” where the mothers in the area get together to share tips and have the kids play together. Of course fathers attend too. When they get older, social time at a daycare could be good for them, but I can’t imagine how you felt leaving them there for the first time!

Sip Says:

August 7th, 2007, 11:18 am

Some great ideas, but remember that there are benefits for using plastic as long as you pay it off each month. You can do a lot of online bill paying, have some reward point system from your card company, build up your credit history, have something in case of emergency and also it is easier to pull your transactions into a financial program such as Quicken.

If you are a credit card addict, then you may want to keep one and hide it while you get your finances in order. Then, once you get a handle on your budget and don’t buy everything you see, you can pull it back out and keep using it! As a single income parenting family, this has worked really well for us and we love being able to have one of us stay home with the little ones!

Art Gelwicks Says:

August 7th, 2007, 11:20 am

There has always been a standing rule in our household that we would do whatever was necessary to give my wife the flexibility to be around the kids as much as possible as they are growing up. She volunteers at their school, coaches their basketball team, and makes sure they are where they need to be when they need to be there.

Does this mean I am sacrificing my relationship as a father with my kids to make this happen? Not in the least. The most important thing to us is our relationship with our kids. I’ve passed up better jobs and more money because of the negative impact it would have on our time together.

Bravo for writing this. No one should ever be ashamed for wanting to spend time with their children.

@Amy - for those people who have pressured you take your child to daycare I’d be happy to send you a bucket of sand for them to go pound. Do what is best for you and your child and the heck with the rest.

Marc Says:

August 7th, 2007, 12:16 pm

Good post Leo and interesting comments from everyone.

My take on this is by the time you factor in daycare expenses, transportation to and from daycare/work (I commend you for having just one car, but a lot of two-income parents that I see each drive their own car to work), is it really worth it financially for both parents to work? Maybe you make a few hundred dollars more a month, but probably at the expense of your children’s development and additional stress on the parents.

Especially in some areas, daycare and owning two cars can be extremely expensive.

anne Says:

August 7th, 2007, 12:19 pm

My concern about staying home with kids is not financial — of course that would be an issue, but plenty of people manage. But how do you survive at home all day long? Doesn’t it get isolating? I have no family in the area and it seems like this is the case for many couples. Mother’s groups would be great, but getting out of the house once a week wouldn’t make much of a dent.

I worked at home for 6 months after a recent move, and I just about went crazy from the isolation. Having kids around would certainly help, but I still can’t imagine staying home that much. Anyone have any views on this?

Naomi Says:

August 7th, 2007, 13:18 pm

Hi there,

I’m new to reading Zen Habits, but I just wanted to say that this is one of the best blog posts I’ve read in a long time. If only I had a website, I would link and send everybody I knew over here.

My son is just coming up on his first birthday. We’re in Canada, so we get 50 weeks of parental leave at 55% of our salary. My husband and I each took 25 weeks and then I left work. We were (are) BROKE as the day is long but it’s been the best decision we’ve ever made. My husband is going back to school next month and I’m still staying home so it’s going to be a bit of a haul, but I so wish other people knew that it can be done and it’s so worth it.

Even in Canada where we have great government support for taking parental, so many people have told us they think they can’t afford it. Taking time off seems to be becoming more popular, thank goodness, as more and more people are realizing that they’re not going to starve to death.

Thanks for helping to get the word out.

Jesse Says:

August 7th, 2007, 13:37 pm

@anne: As far as isolation goes, I think that it is a matter of opinion as well as how you manage your time. My mother (mother of 4!) was quite the extrovert, and she found ways of doing things - taking us to the park, getting to know the neighbors, and going out twice a month on “outings” with our father to either the nearby lake (if summertime) or just to the next town over to see some different shops (we lived in a town of 5,000).

Now, my husband and I only have the one car, but I am more of a self-proclaimed introvert - and that is OK with me. I speak often to my mother (she’s 3 states away), and I have the opportunity to IM with my husband when he’s on break at work. I also touch base with my friends through MySpace, Facebook, and even World of Warcraft (on my husband’s weekends, usually while our daughter is napping or in bed for the night). But there is a LOT of stuff to do around the house - I have the cleaning which I’ve chosen to take on since my husband works outside the house, and I have a 2.5 year old who is at a critical stage of learning (for that matter, when ISN’T a person at a critical stage? *grin*), so we work on learning skills, reading, pretending (she swears she’s a princess!), and playing outside. We also have a miniature schnauzer who likes to play, and so we take time out for that as well.

I would say that I have PLENTY to do, and that’s just with the one child - I can’t imagine why people with four or more (like my mother, or Leo) haven’t lost their minds. *grin* But I would give advice for those whom the isolation issue are stopping them from doing this (this is advice from my father): “You HAVE to be able to entertain yourself before you can EVER hope to be enjoyable company to others. If you aren’t interested in your own company, then you have to wonder what makes you interesting to others.”

MississippiGuy Says:

August 7th, 2007, 13:39 pm

@anne: I suppose it has to do with priorities. If your children are your first priority, and you’re fiscally able, then staying at home with them is your only option.

Because you don’t have family around is a weak excuse. Anyone can make friends. Take your kids to the park, watch and learn ;).

Bottom line is, your kids need you. I don’t know anyone that has said, “wow I wish I would have worked and sent my kids to daycare.” However, my wife feels that way sometimes :). And I’m sure you could dig around and find exceptions to the rule. But in general most stay-at-home moms will tell you the experience for both mom and child is priceless.

It’s sad that not every mother (or father, but mom’s just fit better, sorry) has the option of staying at home.

Red Zinnia Says:

August 7th, 2007, 13:51 pm

To Anne: Isolation can be a serious issue, but with creativity there are lots of ways to deal with it.

I work at a local farmer’s market on Saturday mornings (when my husband can be with the kids).

I also volunteer frequently at my kids’ school, our library etc.

I worked at my business this morning while the kids cleaned up their room and played. Now we’ve had lunch and we’re on our way to the beach, where I’m sure to find someone to chat with.

I talk to other adults every day through work, volunteerism or fun with the kids.

~ Lisa

luke Says:

August 7th, 2007, 14:49 pm

This can be a complicated and tempestuous issue when the parents aren’t fully on the same page especially about money, with similar priorities, or if there are unresolved emotional factors involved.

My wife - who always placed great importance on her career and financial independence - was able to take six months off work when our daughter was born which was great for breast-feeding and bonding. But differences in our attitudes became clear early on. For instance: While we both loved our child equally, I was happy to get up in the middle of the night to deal with a crying baby. I didn’t mind diapers, or baby vomit, or uncooperative behavior. My wife found these more challenging, and so more and more childcare tasks fell to me. I found a wonderful sense of honor and pride in caring for our daughter, while my wife tended to think of it as a burden and chore. When going out I was the baby-toter, the one who knew how to work the bottle and at the right temperature, how to get her into and out of the car seat while she still asleep. For some reason child-care was easy and reflexive for me, and not for my wife. I used to joke that I was the one who got all the oxytocin!

These differences didn’t become real problems until my wife went back to work, since we couldn’t live on my income alone and didn’t want to cut back expenses (I was willing, but it takes two to make it work). I continued to do 90% of the childcare, and when my wife stopped breastfeeding a few weeks later I took over the feeding as well.

When our daughter started day-care, I would take her there and pick her up, or if she was sick I’d stay home or be the one to take her to the doctor. Our day-care tended to have mysterious days off or extended breaks which of course I could stay home for. My work began to suffer greatly. My wife and I were unable to discuss how the childcare was hurting my job performance (much less how to resolve it) and I eventually lost my job (there were other contributing factors)

Since that time I’ve been unable to find an appropriate full-time job that would give me the flexibility to continue being the primary care-giver. My wife, on the other hand, has grown in her career, making more money and taking on more responsibility. Yet she greatly resents my reduced work schedule and lower income, and resents my personal connection with our daughter (case in point: when she was a toddler, and would cry “Mammmmmaaaa!” in the middle of the night, she meant me, not my wife). She speaks about my time at home as if it’s been a grand vacation, and clearly is angry that I haven’t found a job that will allow her to take similar time off. I would be lucky indeed to get a job making half her salary - which unless my wife were willing to at least *discuss* not having house-cleaners or perhaps getting a tenant or selling a car or going out to dinner less often - or any options that would make it work, is not an option. And I would STILL would be the primary care-giver.

Just to be clear, I would be *happy* to work full-time and more while my wife was the stay-at-home mom - If we could swing it financially and I was confident that our daughter would get the supportive and unselfish care every child deserves. I don’t believe at this point that either is possible.

Some of these problems could be reduced if we simply were able to discuss them openly and honestly, or make family decisions with mutual respect. We have been in couple’s counseling, without much progress. While I certainly have issues - and many of them! - my wife is unable to move past significant anger issues and see that other people (in this case, me) can have a contribution to the family that’s not purely financial.

I think that one factor in this is that I’m the father - not the mother - being the primary care-giver. I see this attitude not only in my wife, but in society at large. It’s not totally unexpected, but it is a little isolating at times.

My point here is not to vent (I swear!), but to say that making major financial and childcare decisions involves both parents being honest and open about what they can do and accept from the other.

m Says:

August 7th, 2007, 15:29 pm

Leo,

Our family does all these things as well (in fact I just wrote a post about this too), and I wanted to point out that those tips are great for anyone who wants to live more simply or cut back costs. We do not have any children but find that making the choices above to be beneficial to our family in so many ways. Thanks for a great post!

anne Says:

August 7th, 2007, 16:24 pm

MississipiGuy, I guess I expected a more “enlightened” response on a website called “Zen habits”. I think it’s very closed-minded to expect all women with kids to stay home with them, which is basically what you are saying. Not everyone will be the best parent in the world; that doesn’t preclude anyone from having kids. Why not hire some help? Or at least let dad stay home with the kids instead of mom. In a lot of families that DOES work better.

Luke, thanks for the interesting point of view. I’m sorry it’s such a contentious issue for your family.

STL Mom Says:

August 7th, 2007, 17:08 pm

Anne -
Staying at home with kids can be very isolating, and it can take a long time to develop a network of friends and other moms who are available during the day. In some neighborhoods, you’ll have trouble finding anyone at the park before 3:30 p.m. But once you have that network in place, it is a wonderful resource for you as a parent, and for your child.
I’m a mom who went to work for three years and now I’ve been a stay-at-home mom for four years. There are different stresses in each situation, but I’ve come to prefer staying home with the kids. Not that we’re actually home that much, between playdates, parks, classes, the YMCA, the grocery store, the library, etc., etc….

Parentsnkids Says:

August 7th, 2007, 18:11 pm

I think it’s great that you’re willing and able to be a stay at home mom in an age where it doesn’t happen all that much.

Helen Says:

August 7th, 2007, 18:30 pm

it isn’t some archaic gender bias that says women should stay at home. Women are biologically wired to need their babies, and babies need their mothers. Of course men can be good nurturers and women can struggle with it.

What we need for business and government and people in society to recognize that parenting is a shared role and to facilitate job-sharing and parental leave. As it is, if you have a career, you can’t take 12 months off. You just can’t. You end up going backwards. You can’t job share - jobs are designed to be 45 hour weeks, and part-time work is contractual and insecure.

For any educated person to spend their whole day with a baby can be isolating and frustrating, especially in our fragmented society where we’ve lost our extended family, but consigning children to daycare isn’t the only answer. As STL says, you need to network.

You can do without the income. We had no savings but we managed, just. No dinners out, one car, no cable tv, dialup internet, lots of beans, no new clothes. But I got to watch my kids grow. For some parents I know, childcare is too expensive to make it worth going out to work.

The hardest thing is when people assume you are “just a housewife” and wonder why you aren’t out working. And most of the women who share your education and interests -are- out working.

Working from home isn’t always the answer in the early years - it is hard, you have to be self-motivated and it doesn’t give you the social contact of an outside job, so you still feel isolated. And, surprise surprise, CARING FOR BABIES IS A FULL TIME JOB IN ITSELF. Ask any stay at home parent.

When they are older though, it’s great - I’ve been working from home for several years with flexible hours, and it works well for us. If they are sick and need to stay home, I can be there, and I also get to go to the sports days and whatnot.

ZZamboni Says:

August 7th, 2007, 19:03 pm

Hi Leo,

Great post, as usual. We decided that my wife would stop working before she got pregnant (highly recommended, she could get all the rest she needed, and had a very relaxed pregnancy), and she has stayed home with our daughter until now, that she is 1.5 years old (I honestly don’t know how you manage with six kids - I can barely handle one!). Only recently we started taking her part-time to a day care place. She cries, but once she’s there she seems to enjoy it, and we thought it’s also time that she starts interacting with other kids and other people besides mom and dad :-)

ZZamboni Says:

August 7th, 2007, 19:25 pm

Helen: I just read your post, and I can tell you that for my wife also one of the frustrating things has been people assuming she is “just a housewife” and criticize her for that, without understanding that taking a break from her job was a conscious decision, and one that in our opinion has had tremendous benefits for the whole family, not in the financial but in emotional terms.

Janice Says:

August 7th, 2007, 19:25 pm

Leo attempts to be open-minded in his post and not put down working mothers, but the people replying don’t do so well.

Helen and Anne mention some important points.

I am a woman. As a professor, I have a career that I do not choose to give up to stay home with children, and I am unable to take a few years off to reenter the work force. It just doesn’t work that way in academia.

I also love my job, and my work is a major part of my life. I am proud of the years I spent in school to get my Ph.D., and I am proud of where it’s gotten me. I think being a professor is an excellent job for having children, especially once you have tenure.

While my family is important to me, I will not sacrifice my job so I can become a full-time mom. I cannot do it. We could afford it, but I can’t bring myself to make that sacrifice.

Any links to posts that address THAT choice?

Leo Says:

August 7th, 2007, 19:44 pm

Wow, this is a fascinating discussion. I won’t be able to respond to all of these points, but let me make a quick couple of points in response:

1) I think it’s clear that if one parent is going to stay home, it can be either parent, and either parent can (theoretically) do the job equally well. However, sometimes the mother is better suited for the job, and sometimes the father is … it really depends on the person, and the circumstances. In our case, we felt it was better for Eva to stay home, for financial and breastfeeding reasons, but every family is different.

2) There is nothing wrong with mothers (or fathers) going to work when they have children. I think many people would prefer to stay home, but because of financial realities, that’s not always possible. I also think that many people feel that their career is important, and that it’s not fair to ask them to put that on hold. That’s a valid opinion, and I don’t think there’s one right answer for everyone. In any case, it’s never an easy decision, and I just wanted to weigh in with our reasons.

3) The isolation of staying at home is a very real issue. Eva certainly had to deal with it, and while she loved staying at home with the babies, there was certainly an element of loneliness and being too cooped up. She would often take the babies and do errands, or visit someone, or make a playdate with my sister and her kids. There are a lot of options … however, not everyone is able to deal with this, as everyone has different temperaments. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to go back to the workplace, where you aren’t isolated from the rest of the world. Again, it’s never an easy decision either way, and I don’t think we should judge those who make different decisions than we make.

I love this discussion, but I only ask that we keep things civil, keep open minds, and remember that every lives in different circumstances, and until we’ve lived their lives, we cannot really understand and certainly not judge them.

Helen Says:

August 7th, 2007, 20:00 pm

Janice, could your partner take some substantial leave?

This is just the issue that frustrates me: I have a degree, and a non-existant career. You sacrifice it if you choose to be a full time parent. You should’t have to. We should have a supportive society that allows us to combine both roles. Feminism did NOTHING for mothers. It only ‘freed’ women to choose work. It did not help anyone be a parent.

The first year is the most important thing, more than anything. Breastfeeding for several months if you can, and being cared for by a familiar, family member for that first year really matters.

Other than that, it’s a case of enlisting extended family as much as possible (to attend special days and for emergency at-home care), negotiating the minimum workload that your career can handle, outsourcing time-consuming chores like laundry and cleaning, and eschewing TV and hobbies.

Helen Says:

August 7th, 2007, 20:15 pm

Leo, I think your post was clearly personal and non-judgemental. I’m afraid its a contentious issue for many of us!

As you say, we make our choices as best we can. Luke’s post raised an important point - that a strong, supportive relationship where both parents feel happy with their roles and understand each other’s expectations is so important.

I think often the media pays lip-service to the importance of parenting while continuing to undermine the value of domestic work. Nothing matters more than status and wealth. As I said, we need to change the ‘either-or’ choice. Somehow.

Janice Says:

August 7th, 2007, 22:17 pm

Leo, I appreciate your clarification post.

Helen, I should be able to take some time off for our first child, and my husband should be able to as well. I should also be able to get some adjustments to my teaching schedule so that I might be able to stay home several days a week and teach at night when my husband is home to watch our child. I also plan on breastfeeding and pumping.

In the end, though, you’re right that feminism has not made these choices easier for women. Now we’re scorned if we keep working, yet we’re also scorned if we stay home with our children. Balance is tricky, especially in the good old US where we don’t have good parental leave policies.

Anyone else feel like moving to Canada where people can get much more time off for parental leave?

Tom O'Leary Says:

August 8th, 2007, 8:06 am

Hi Leo

I am with you on this one. There is definitely value in a parent staying home with the kids. It isn’t possible or even desirable for some families, but it works for us. Previously it was my wife who stayed at home. More recently it has been me. I closed down my business and now I am a work from home dad. Sometimes I feel like a bit of a freak because it isn’t such a common thing, where I live, for a dad to look after the kids, but I wouldn’t change it if you paid me.

Thanks
Tom

Emily Says:

August 8th, 2007, 9:23 am

I can’t believe that no one is bringing up the fact that there are mom (and dads) out there who can’t stay home- single parents. Even if you live by all of the Zen habits, a single mom might only barely be scraping by. And not to mention the lack of decent maternity leave for new moms. Or if you’re free-lancing you probably don’t have insurance- something that you can’t afford not to have when you’re a single parent. It’s great to try to guide yourself by these principals, but we have to remember the world we live in isn’t ideal.

SK Joun Says:

August 8th, 2007, 9:55 am

As many have already indicated or suggested, there is no right or wrong. Like Emily indicated, there may be single parents where they don’t have the choice - they have to work. There may be parents that have to work because as we all know minimum wage of one working parent does not cover rent and food. Some parents may not want one parents work long hours in order for the other parent to stay home with the kids thus the kids really only seeing one parent and the other parent missing out on parenting. There may be parents that want to continue to work because they have invested a lot into their careers and find great value in working.

The bottom line and the “right” answer is it is whatever works best for the family. It is tragic to see an unhappy parent staying home for the sake of staying home and it is tragic to parent working although they desperately want to stay home. That is when and where advice, support and tips from others is needed to help that unhappy parent find a way to go back to work or stay home.

Terry Says:

August 8th, 2007, 11:30 am

I have to agree with Emily. However I really am against debating someone’s blog especially this one because it really is a great blog and has helped me in so many ways. It’s hard a lot of times for single women or women like me who have to pay the ex-husband child support and pay to give my kids the best education. My salary does cover it all and thensome so it is not possible to give it up. A judge will not give me any child support relief. I have gone that route and at $1,000 a month I have to work. But I like the dialog and agree that if you can do it, do it. If you can’t you can’t.

Kathy Says:

August 8th, 2007, 12:06 pm

With the experience of nearly 16 years of parenting under my belt, if someone were to ask me to choose one period of time when I could stay at home with my kids, I’d definitely choose the teen years. Most parents assume the younger years are the most critical, but I’d beg to differ. My communication with my teens has a far great impact than it ever has, and I think the effects will be long-lasting. Also, teens don’t turn it on at “quality time”: you need to be there when THEY’RE ready to talk.

Robert Says:

August 8th, 2007, 15:08 pm

Very good post, although I am a little disappointed that some of the comments here are missing a very basic yet crucial point: Every kid is different, and the choice to stay home or not stay home with your kids ought to be based on what works best for the kid, not what one’s personal parenting philosophy is.

Some kids will thrive in a more socially active environment such as a daycare or preschool. Some kids will do better one-on-one with the parent. There is no one-size-fits-all prescription here. There are pros and cons for each side, and parents have to look at how their children learn and grow, not self-righteously impose some ideal parenting scheme on them.

I thought I was killing my now-3-year old when I first started taking her to daycare when she was 10 months. But now she’s a great, well-adjusted, intelligent kid who absolutely adores her preschool and gets along extremely well with other people. In her case, I was sure staying home with her was the only right answer — but I was wrong.

Red Zinnia Says:

August 8th, 2007, 17:06 pm

Kathy, I totally agree.

Michael Murray Says:

August 8th, 2007, 19:35 pm

Kathy,

You might enjoy this blog about quality time

http://www.robertreich.org/reich/issues_bio_3.asp

which rang true for me.

Michael

Courtney Says:

August 8th, 2007, 20:39 pm

Some great tips! My husband and I agreed that I would take a few years off of teaching and stay with our twins. I found that we are already doing many of your tips. Though there are some days that are a little tough (I miss being in the classroom) I wouldn’t change it for the world!!!! I love watching my little ones grow and discover new things every day. The way I see it, this is the most important job I will ever have!

tanyetta Says:

August 18th, 2007, 1:55 am

i need to link to this article on my blog. please send me a reminder. i LOVED this post!

Susan Hunter Says:

October 8th, 2007, 2:13 am

I totally agree with you on the value of a stay at home parent - it distresses me, however, to see so many comments implying that this is the best way and the only way. My family consider daycare to be similarly important. Both my husband and I are extremely introverted and have difficulty talking to people, making friends, and getting on in social situations.

The skill deficit our children are most likely to suffer, therefore, is a socialisation one.

We are currently ensuring that we are in a financial position to swing things either way before we try for children, but we intend to put them into small amounts of daycare from a very young age - particularly if they don’t like it - because we believe it is important to give them all the experience and head start they can get in this cruicial area of life skills.

We also believe that having small breaks in a relationship with anyone - let alone the full-time demands of a small child - helps you both to recharge and come back with enthusiasm and appreciation for the time you can spend with the other person.

To me, keeping a child home from daycare is similar to the proposition of home schooling them. Great for some kids and parents, but worryingly isolating for others - and it disturbs me that so many of the comments here don’t even seem to consider the question of whether daycare could be what’s best for the child.