How to Give Kind Criticism, and Avoid Being Critical

Every Thursday is Happiness Day on Zen Habits.

Can you give someone criticism without hurting their feelings or making them angry? Can you do it kindly?

I think that’s a difficult proposition for most people, but in truth it’s possible to give criticism with kindness and have a decent chance of having the person take it constructively.

Last week, it seems that my post on How to Accept Criticism with Grace and Appreciation struck a chord with many people. It seems that most of us have a hard time accepting criticism without getting hurt or angry or defensive … and just as many of us have a hard time giving criticism without making others hurt or angry or defensive.

Today, we’ll look at how to give criticism with kindness, so that the person who receives it is more likely to take it well.

We’ll also look at why criticism is often the wrong approach to take: positive suggestions are even better.

Why We Give Criticism
I think it’s important to step back and look at why people give criticism. There are a few common reasons (although there are many more possible reasons):

To help someone improve. Sometimes criticism is actual honest feedback, meant to help the person we’re criticizing. We want to help them get better.
To see a change that we would like. If we regularly read a magazine or blog, for example, there might be something that often bothers us that we’d like to see changed. Perhaps the person uses too many list headlines, or has too many spelling and grammatical errors. So criticism is meant to help get that change enacted.
To further the discussion. Criticism can be a way to get a good, intelligent discussion about something going, to take it to a new level, to explore new areas of the discussion, to give an opposing viewpoint, to impart new knowledge.
To hurt someone. Often we just don’t like someone, and want to get at them, attack them. Criticism in this case is destructive.
To vent our frustrations. Sometimes we are just frustrated with something, or are having a bad day, and need to vent that negative anger.
To boost our ego. Some people like to show how powerful or intelligent or knowledgeable they are, and use criticism as a way of doing that. They are puffing themselves up, challenging others, doing an Alpha Male thing.

Before you offer criticism, consider your reasons. If your reason is one of the first three, then this article is for you. If it’s one of the second three reasons, you won’t get anything out of this article. If that’s the case, I suggest you stop yourself and think long and hard about why you feel the need to do that.

Using criticism to help someone improve, to see a change affected, or to contribute to a discussion, are all good reasons for doing it. Now the question is, how to do it kindly, without attacking, so that your purposes are accomplished.

Why Criticism Hurts or Angers
People don’t often take criticism well, even if it’s done for good reasons (one of the first three reasons above, for example). But why? Why can’t they just simply see it as a way to improve?

Well, there are many reasons, of course, but here are just a few:

The criticism is mean-spirited. If you use insulting or degrading language, or put down the person in any way, they will focus on that, and not on the rest of the criticism.
It focuses on the person. If you focus on the person (”You’re a lousy writer”) instead of their actions, you will make them angry or defensive or hurt.
They assume you’re attacking them. Even if you focus on actions, many people take all criticism as an attack on themselves. No matter what your intention or language. They can’t take criticism in a detached, non-personal way. You can’t change that about them, other than pointing them to last week’s article (which will also probably be taken as an attack).
They assume they’re right. Many people assume what they say or do is right, and that the criticism is wrong. They don’t like to hear that they’re wrong, whether it’s true or not.

Now, there are other reasons, but I wanted to point out a few of the most common. You cannot change some of these things about the person receiving the criticism. You can try, but your success rate probably won’t be very great.

However, you can change your actions — how you communicate the criticism. Or whether you criticize at all.

How to Deliver Criticism Kindly (and Not Criticize At All)
Looking at the above reasons that criticism isn’t taken well, the keys are:

Don’t attack attack, insult, or be mean in any way
Talk about actions or things, not the person.
Don’t tell the person he’s wrong.
Don’t criticize at all.

But … what about giving kind criticism? How do you help someone improve, see the changes you want, or contribute to a meaningful discussion?

By offering a specific, positive suggestion instead.

So instead of criticizing, which is rarely taken well, offer a specific, positive suggestion. Let’s take a look at the elements of this method, why it works, and how to do it:

Suggestion, not criticism. As people sometimes will assume that you’re attacking them personally, no matter how nice your criticism and how much you focus on actions, a criticism is often not the way to go if you want 1) for them to improve; 2) to see actual change; or 3) to contribute to a meaningful discussion. Instead, suggest a change. A suggestion can be positive, it can be seen as helpful, it can be seen as an instrument for improvement and change. People often take suggestions well (but not always). So a suggestion is more useful than a criticism in many cases. Not always — sometimes it can be useful to give a nice criticism if someone is open to it. But in many cases, a suggestion is better.
Positive. Much criticism is negative. That hurts the discussion, because things can take an ugly turn from there. It hurts the person receiving it, making it less likely that they’ll take it as a way to change. Instead, be positive: “I’d love it if …” or “I think you’d do a great job with …” or “One thing that could make this blog even better is …”. And don’t do it in a sarcastic way … be genuinely positive. This keeps the discussion positive, and people are more likely to receive it in a positive way.
Specific. It’s easy to give vague criticism: “You’re a sucky writer,” “I can’t stand this blog,” or “You really should write better posts … this one is lame.” Anyone can do that. Being specific is more difficult: “I don’t like to see numbers in your headlines all the time,” “The first two paragraphs of your posts are long and rambling,” or “Your face is lumpy.” It’s harder still to make a specific, positive suggestion: “I’d love to see more images of kittens on Zen Habits,” or “Make my day and write a post about how to criticize your boss without him knowing you’re doing it,” or “I would appreciate fewer ads and more content.”
Be kind. It’s important that you be gentle and kind in your suggestions. People have a hard time accepting any criticism, gentle or not, but if it’s harsh, it’ll almost always have bad consequences. Instead, ask yourself, “Would I like to hear that about myself?” And: “If so, what would be the nicest way to say it?”
Relate to actions. Never criticize the person. Always criticize the actions. And when you’re making suggestions, make suggestions about actions, not about the person. Not: “Maybe you could become a less lumpy person?” Better: “I suggest you get face smoothener … it did wonders for me!”

How do you give criticism without hurting or offending? Let us know in the comments, or discuss it on the Zen Habits forums.

If you liked this article, please bookmark it on del.icio.us or vote for it on Digg. I’d appreciate it. :)

See also:

How to Give Kind Criticism, and Avoid Being Critical

Photo by timsamoff

Every Thursday is Happiness Day on Zen Habits.

Can you give someone criticism without hurting their feelings or making them angry? Can you do it kindly?

I think that’s a difficult proposition for most people, but in truth it’s possible to give criticism with kindness and have a decent chance of having the person take it constructively.

Today, we’ll look at how to give criticism with kindness, so that the person who receives it is more likely to take it well.

We’ll also look at why criticism is often the wrong approach to take: positive suggestions are even better.

Why We Give Criticism
I think it’s important to step back and look at why people give criticism. There are a few common reasons (although there are many more possible reasons):

To help someone improve. Sometimes criticism is actual honest feedback, meant to help the person we’re criticizing. We want to help them get better.
To see a change that we would like. If we regularly read a magazine or blog, for example, there might be something that often bothers us that we’d like to see changed. Perhaps the person uses too many list headlines, or has too many spelling and grammatical errors. So criticism is meant to help get that change enacted.
To further the discussion. Criticism can be a way to get a good, intelligent discussion about something going, to take it to a new level, to explore new areas of the discussion, to give an opposing viewpoint, to impart new knowledge.
To hurt someone. Often we just don’t like someone, and want to get at them, attack them. Criticism in this case is destructive.
To vent our frustrations. Sometimes we are just frustrated with something, or are having a bad day, and need to vent that negative anger.
To boost our ego. Some people like to show how powerful or intelligent or knowledgeable they are, and use criticism as a way of doing that. They are puffing themselves up, challenging others, doing an Alpha Male thing.

Well, there are many reasons, of course, but here are just a few:

The criticism is mean-spirited. If you use insulting or degrading language, or put down the person in any way, they will focus on that, and not on the rest of the criticism.
It focuses on the person. If you focus on the person (”You’re a lousy writer”) instead of their actions, you will make them angry or defensive or hurt.
They assume you’re attacking them. Even if you focus on actions, many people take all criticism as an attack on themselves. No matter what your intention or language. They can’t take criticism in a detached, non-personal way. You can’t change that about them, other than pointing them to last week’s article (which will also probably be taken as an attack).
They assume they’re right. Many people assume what they say or do is right, and that the criticism is wrong. They don’t like to hear that they’re wrong, whether it’s true or not.

However, you can change your actions — how you communicate the criticism. Or whether you criticize at all.

How to Deliver Criticism Kindly (and Not Criticize At All)
Looking at the above reasons that criticism isn’t taken well, the keys are:

Don’t attack attack, insult, or be mean in any way
Talk about actions or things, not the person.
Don’t tell the person he’s wrong.
Don’t criticize at all.

But … what about giving kind criticism? How do you help someone improve, see the changes you want, or contribute to a meaningful discussion?

By offering a specific, positive suggestion instead.

So instead of criticizing, which is rarely taken well, offer a specific, positive suggestion. Let’s take a look at the elements of this method, why it works, and how to do it:

Suggestion, not criticism. As people sometimes will assume that you’re attacking them personally, no matter how nice your criticism and how much you focus on actions, a criticism is often not the way to go if you want 1) for them to improve; 2) to see actual change; or 3) to contribute to a meaningful discussion. Instead, suggest a change. A suggestion can be positive, it can be seen as helpful, it can be seen as an instrument for improvement and change. People often take suggestions well (but not always). So a suggestion is more useful than a criticism in many cases. Not always — sometimes it can be useful to give a nice criticism if someone is open to it. But in many cases, a suggestion is better.
Positive. Much criticism is negative. That hurts the discussion, because things can take an ugly turn from there. It hurts the person receiving it, making it less likely that they’ll take it as a way to change. Instead, be positive: “I’d love it if …” or “I think you’d do a great job with …” or “One thing that could make this blog even better is …”. And don’t do it in a sarcastic way … be genuinely positive. This keeps the discussion positive, and people are more likely to receive it in a positive way.
Specific. It’s easy to give vague criticism: “You’re a sucky writer,” “I can’t stand this blog,” or “You really should write better posts … this one is lame.” Anyone can do that. Being specific is more difficult: “I don’t like to see numbers in your headlines all the time,” “The first two paragraphs of your posts are long and rambling,” or “Your face is lumpy.” It’s harder still to make a specific, positive suggestion: “I’d love to see more images of kittens on Zen Habits,” or “Make my day and write a post about how to criticize your boss without him knowing you’re doing it,” or “I would appreciate fewer ads and more content.”
Be kind. It’s important that you be gentle and kind in your suggestions. People have a hard time accepting any criticism, gentle or not, but if it’s harsh, it’ll almost always have bad consequences. Instead, ask yourself, “Would I like to hear that about myself?” And: “If so, what would be the nicest way to say it?”
Relate to actions. Never criticize the person. Always criticize the actions. And when you’re making suggestions, make suggestions about actions, not about the person. Not: “Maybe you could become a less lumpy person?” Better: “I suggest you get face smoothener … it did wonders for me!”

How do you give criticism without hurting or offending? Let us know in the comments, or discuss it on the Zen Habits forums.

If you liked this article, please bookmark it on del.icio.us or vote for it on Digg. I’d appreciate it. :)

See also:

Posted on 4 October 2007 in Happiness |
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Comments (38)

Spike Says:

October 4th, 2007, 5:44 am

As I said in your post about taking criticism, I always ask for, and give constructive feedback. That way most people usually give me something I can work with rather than a “it sucks” comment. Another thing I was taught once, is to follow anything negative with a positive and vice versa. For instance, “I don’t like this section because of this, but I like what you’ve done over here because of that, it’s really good.”

SpiKe
Organize IT

RedSunday Says:

October 4th, 2007, 7:57 am

Good article!

“This article has dealt with a very relevant feature of our lives (communication) in a very simplistic and direct way. I’d love to see more such articles on zen habits.”

Manav

Mark Says:

October 4th, 2007, 9:01 am

Leo -

Nice post. I think criticism can be given in a constructive manner and when administered properly has the chance to help people grow, or at least examine a different viewpoint. However, as you point out, the problems arise when the person giving the criticism only has negative intentions, they are just trying to boost their own ego, or they are talking just to hear themselves talk (typically occurs in meetings).

All the best.
Mark

Lynn Says:

October 4th, 2007, 9:48 am

Here is a specific technique for giving criticism that works very well: avoid all use of the word “you”.

So, instead of saying “You could write a better blog if you used fewer bullet points”, say “I think your blog would benefit from fewer bullet points.”

That is a specific technique for making the criticism non-personal.

And by the way, I love your site and think the number of bullet points in the blogs is just right. :-)

Grey Says:

October 4th, 2007, 10:00 am

Another thing that works is to first put in a complement, then offer the less positive feedback. Much of what I do is art-based and creatives get their feelings hurt easily. So, find what was done right, what you LIKE about the work, then add “but I think it could be even better if X were moved here.”

Jonathan Fields Says:

October 4th, 2007, 10:43 am

Great post.

Adding to what Grey shared, I train a lot of people to teach and one of the methods I’ve learned that works phenomenally well both in teaching, business and in life is the P-C-P method.

First, “P” - Praise the effort, progress or results, no matter how far from the desired one. Find something that you can be laudatory about. This is critical, because it lowers the receiver’s automatic defenses and conditions them to be more receptive to what you have to say next.

Then, “C” - criticize - deliver the criticism with a constructive voice, using Leo’s great techniques above.

Then “P” - Praise again and segue into an acknowledgment of the effort put in and express your excitement to share in future growth.

The P-C-P sandwich is an amazingly effective technique and it can really work to turn potentially explosive situations into energized and constructive ones.

Todd Says:

October 4th, 2007, 11:26 am

Great Post Leo– I think when it comes to criticism it all depends on the manner in which you deliver it. I am fairly competitive, and generally do not like being “told” what to do….but in my old age (haha) I have learned that I accept criticism very well when I feel the person has my best interest in mind. So when I give criticism to others, I do so in a way where it genuinely helps them and does not serve my own ego!

pinkpillsanity Says:

October 4th, 2007, 13:04 pm

Man do I ever need help with this idea. I’m so glad you wrote this today, I needed to hear something like this.

Barry Says:

October 4th, 2007, 13:27 pm

I think the statement saying that if you criticize for any of the second three (negative) reasons you won’t get anything out of this article is a little premature. All of us get frustrated over things from time to time…I think this puts tangible tags onto some feelings so we can identify when we’re straying into that area. (You might put in the statement that if you’re walking around with a chip on your shoulder, this article won’t do you any good, but from what I can see through the regular comments, it won’t apply to many readers.) Great article, Leo! I think you have helped me today.

kher Cheng Guan Says:

October 4th, 2007, 14:42 pm

Frankly in blogging community, if you want to “survive” and be in everyone’s good book, NEVER criticize. Be it constructive or destructive. I believe in the axiom: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything!”. Leo, i love the way you handle critics. Very cool and professional. I love reading your blog and i even took pot shot at it in my humor blog. But to me it’s not slandering. It’s just a joke.

Justin Says:

October 4th, 2007, 14:48 pm

I agree positive suggestions are the way to go. Sometimes, though, they do not have the effect intended, and if it is important that person change their behavior, constructive criticism is necessary. (employees, children)

I always try to follow the method suggested in a book called “The one minute manager” (a quick and very good read for any manager).

1. Communicate that you value that person. This focuses on the person, though giving an example of positive action to support it can be helpful.

2. Respectfully offer constructive criticism of their ACTION that you feel needs to change, and point out why it is in their best interests to try another approach.

3. Repeat the part about how you value them as a person.

This is in a management book, but I use this model with my kids, my wife, friends, when I need to make a customer complaint etc. It has honestly been years since I have had any uncomfortable confrontation once I became able to use this technique effectively. People respond positively if you are respectful and positive.

laure Says:

October 4th, 2007, 16:15 pm

I recently had someone tell me that there *is* no such thing as constructive criticism–it’s all just criticism. I think there’s some merit to that statement because no matter how gentle or well-meaning criticism is, people’s knee-jerk reactions are nearly always going to be defensive. They might reason themselves out of that response quickly, depending on their degree of interpersonal maturity, but it’s just human nature to recoil at anything perceived as an attack on any level.

I agree with Grey and Jonathan about praising *before* offering suggestions (that P-C-P idea is nice), and with Justin about the importance of clarifying that you are commenting on the person’s actions, and not him or her personally.

I’ve been working for years on my own innate tendency to judge others–whether that gets expressed outwardly or not–and one of the concepts that has helped me most is to keep in mind that no matter what my own perception of a situation is:

–the other person is ABSOLUTELY AND WITHOUT FAIL trying to do the best they can in that moment given their own internal and external circumstances, and

–I cannot possibly know everything they are dealing with, so my judgement is based on incomplete information.

After reminding myself of those two things, if I feel something legitimately needs to be said, I try to say it in the kindest and least aggressive way possible while still making my point. (The truth is, I’ve often been told that I’m too nice, but that would be a whole different discussion . . . )

mathew johnson Says:

October 4th, 2007, 16:21 pm

I think that by far the most effective strategy is to separate ‘what’s not right’ from any notion of ‘fault’

Just say: ‘hmmm, this isn’t right - how are we going to fix the problem?’

- and then you can work together on solving the problem, rather than battling about fault and blame.

my $0.02

http://mattishness.com

Rukshana Says:

October 4th, 2007, 16:53 pm

Leo,

These posts on relationships/emotional/psychological stuff are definitely helpful. Here are some other ideas for future posts and topics I’d like to read about.

* worrying/anxiety
* perfectionism
* control (over one’s schedule, routines, etc.)

One of the issues I have with all of the topics we discuss here is how to resist using the strategies you advocate as another way to be rigid, be controlling, etc., which I am assuming may be an issue for people who are attracted to GTD, this blog, personal improvement, productivity, etc. I know all of these systems/approaches are meant to create freedom and I believe they do, but how can we change our personalities/tendencies to allow them to do so?

Would love to hear your ideas.

mike-2 Says:

October 4th, 2007, 17:28 pm

Most people believe that no-one has any right to criticize anything they do, and they extend this to others too. “If no-one can criticize me, then how can I criticize anyone?” People who criticize too much are called judgmental and arrogant, but there is this other kind of arrogance that comes with refusing to criticize because you believe you have the right to your own private reality. This speaks to the difficulty of looking superficially at behavior, because both criticizing and failing to criticize could come from an arrogant mind, just as easily as they could come from compassion and a desire to help.

I note that there is an apparent contradiction in how we think about criticism. We say that we should only talk about actions and not tell a person they are wrong, but we also say that everyone is always doing the best they can. These two seem to be in opposition. If the person has good intentions, then it must be that they are ignorant about what is good. So really we are trying to fix the person’s ignorance, which is obviously an attribute of the person and could be understood as an attack.

But, it’s not the attack itself that puts people on the defensive. After all, if you asked them if they would appreciate someone giving them good and useful information to help them accomplish their goals, they would probably say yes. What puts people on the defensive is the suggestion that they are uniquely ignorant and more in need of help than others. So the threat of social ostracism seems to be of great significance. This suggests to me one or more of the following:

1. Praise publicly, criticize privately.
2. Criticize the team as a whole, not the individual
3. Criticize all members of the team
4. Let the person know about your own ignorance/mistakes.

Footnote on 1. What constitutes public vs. private can be counter-intuitive. Talking to someone privately in your office might seem private, but this might actually be a highly visible, public demonstration of the person’s mistakes.

mssujrry Says:

October 4th, 2007, 17:33 pm

I have been in customer service most of my life and in some mngr. position most of that time. It’s tough to offer “constructive criticism” I ususally try to take the individual into account. I tend to be a good read of people and try to “give” them the input they need in the fashion that will be best received. If all else fails (Buddah forgive me) I lie, ” hey you know when that happened to me…..” Most folks will not take offense to an anectdote. The optimum end result being a change in behavior or pattern makes it important that the criticism be a “custom fit”.

Leo Says:

October 4th, 2007, 17:47 pm

I’ve tried the P-C-P sandwich many times, and although the praise does soften the blow (and I recommend it), there are still many people who will focus only on the criticism and still take it hard. Which is why I stick with specific, positive suggestions as the better method in most cases. You can still incorporate the praise … P-Suggestion-P.

I agree that criticism should be in private … but that doesn’t mean you should be harsh in your criticism.

@Rukshana: Great suggestion! I usually write about things that I’ve been dealing with myself, and share the tips from what I’ve learned … so I’m not sure I can write about your topics right now. It’s something I struggle with myself (clutter bothers me now) and I haven’t found a good answer yet. If anyone wants to share their suggestions, I’m willing to give them a try and report back. :)

Beth Says:

October 4th, 2007, 19:23 pm

I agree that you shouldn’t be harsh, that criticisms should be specific and constructive. However, when people combine the positive and negative messages, they key point might be lost. (I’m focusing here on employment relationships, not family or friends).
As Leo says, someone may only hear the criticism and miss the positive.

Others may dismiss the criticism entirely and focus only on the positive, and then the work doesn’t improve, which isn’t good for anyone.
My strategy for criticism of an employee is to to give positive feedback regularly and keep negative feedback brief, action-focused and private. I also ask if I can help them do better. Subsequently, I quickly acknowledge any improvements.

brent Says:

October 4th, 2007, 19:29 pm

toastmasters give criticism at the end of EVERY speech: that’s the point.

I read on their website that they have a strict 3-stage method of giving criticism.

1 - Start by saying what they liked about the presentation - what was something that was strong or memorable.
2 - Mention possible areas of improvement.
3 - Finish be repeating what was good about the presentation.

laure Says:

October 4th, 2007, 19:54 pm

I think it’s helpful to keep in mind that “good/bad” and “right/wrong’ can be interpreted in two ways - morality, and best practices. There is definite overlap between the two, but someone can be wrong in a best-practice sense (for instance, a manager who doesn’t have good coaching skills or parents who think the best way to discipline their children is by yelling all the time) and still have the best *intentions* in the world. They simply need to learn better skills.

If we conflate *moral* judgement of someone’s character with an objective judgement of their skills, we’re really not doing them a service. Nothing here is meant to be an argument over anything above (lots of great comments!) . . . just two more cents’ worth from me. ;-)

m Says:

October 4th, 2007, 19:58 pm

My view on this is:

For issues that have to do purely with someone else’s life and personal choices (that in other words don’t effect the welfare of other people, in which case I think different rules apply):

*Ask if your opinion, suggestions, experiences is wanted

*If yes, the person is much more likely to actually be open to hearing it and considering it

*If no, you have prevented a potential conflict, have respected the person’s boundaries, and shown that your intention is purely for their welfare-and not to boost your own ego–which is why you have no problem *not* sharing if it’s unwanted

*This approach also sets the stage for you to expect the same of others. It’s easy to say I appreciate if you just be here for me and listen to me, and not offer advice, unless I ask for it (or you ask me if it’s okay to offer it). Because you are giving them that same consideration.

*When you do share, make sure to eliminate assumptions. Comment ONLY on observable actions. For ex. instead of focusing on the person’s lack on interest in your life, you would focus on the fact that they often switch the topic when you start talking about your life. You don’t know they aren’t interested, all you know is they often change the topic. Focus on what you see, not what you guess is the reason behind what you see.

*Don’t use extreme words like always, never etc. Use often, sometimes, usually . . .

*Don’t assume you are right, you know everything etc. No one knows everything about someone else.

*If you don’t know, ask. Don’t assume (again).

*Always validate first. Say “I really appreciate bla bla bla, but I also bla bla bla.”This way they know they are appreciated by you, and are more open and able to hear the critique.

*Check your motivation. If it’s to boost your own ego, or be “right” then don’t share. If it’s because you think it will help the person, your relationship, or someone else, then share using methods above.

I’ll prob. do a post on this on my blog as well as I have recently learned these methods and more and I LOVE them and have been wanting to share. What a great technique (I think) for these kinds of interactions.

Oh, and as for “If you’ve nothing nice to say,” my view on that is that it’s too often used as a way to deflect any divergent viewpoints–esp. online–and that there are def. times when it is appropriate and even necessary to say something that to some may seem to be “not nice.”

Erin Says:

October 4th, 2007, 22:33 pm

Thanks a lot for both this and your previous post. They’ve given me a way to think of criticism I never would have considered otherwise.

subcorpus Says:

October 4th, 2007, 23:39 pm

i think in bloging constructive criticsm given in a good way … just stands out … and is welcome all the time …
good post … needed that …

cg4040 Says:

October 4th, 2007, 23:50 pm

This article could have been better had it not sucked that bad . oops :P

Steve Austin Says:

October 5th, 2007, 1:00 am

I hope a touch of Tao is welcome in Zenland.

I like to make clear that criticism is an expression of brotherhood. One cannot criticize without having it refer to both transmitter and receiver. The transmitter shares in the reflection, while the receiver shares in the (good) intention.

This is a variant on the idea that “if you want to really understand something, teach it to someone”. If you want to improve in some fashion, criticize someone in that regard.

helix Says:

October 5th, 2007, 3:50 am

Hi there.

I think that in order to give constructive criticism, two things are crucial:

1. That the persons involved share the same (or at least very compatible) moral and value system. This way, the criticism has a moral and value context that is in advance understood by all parties.
Without that shared moral and value system, criticism (-any- criticism) basically comes across as an attack or ordering-demanding.

2. That the parties involved have an agreement about the time and form of criticism.

I have noticed that in very clearly defined relationships, it is very easy to give and receive criticism. But when this clarity is absent, any criticism is usually bound to make a mess.

joker the lurcher Says:

October 5th, 2007, 4:53 am

i couldn’t agree more about the idea of suggestions rather than criticism. when my son was a baby the friend whose advice i most valued, and the only person who didn’t make me feel like a failed mother, was my friend who said “i found this worked for me, it may not work for you as all babies are different but perhaps give it a go.”

Tom Kosakowski Says:

October 5th, 2007, 14:22 pm

Excellent advice for ombuds, who give and advise others how to give difficult news.

Valentin Says:

October 5th, 2007, 16:44 pm

I like the article for one particular reason: it is what it suggests it should be. It is actually constructive criticism about how to make constructive criticism. That’s hard to achieve.

CryptclEnvlpmt Says:

October 5th, 2007, 18:02 pm

Be genuine. People can usually tell if you’re following some formula designed to deliver criticism in a non-criticizing way. It’s the *spirit” of your criticism that counts, and that spirit has to be what you really feel. So if you have criticism to deliver, get in the spirit first. If you’re angry or frustrated, now is not the time. Get your head right first, so that your positive criticism will land with true kindness.

Also, unless the person you are criticizing is a subordinate, consider asking first if your criticism is desired. If a person is in no frame of mind to hear or accept criticism, even the kindest will fall on deaf ears.

Shannon Wells Says:

October 5th, 2007, 20:09 pm

Thanks, always nice to be reminded of this stuff. I think you summarized the approach very well and the rest is easily deduced.

Jonny Says:

October 5th, 2007, 23:45 pm

I’m afraid all I could think of when I read your example about lumpy faces was ‘GET YO FACE SMOOTHED SON’ and that distracted me.

In light of what you’re saying, I particularly recommend weasel words to help soften the blow of any given criticism.

‘I’m afraid I’ usually works, and framing criticism in an ‘I’ sort of way helps to make your suggestions more easily understood as suggestions rather than attacks.

‘I’d try’ or ‘What I would do’ are also alternatives to shift a perception of criticism more into the friendly territory of suggestions.

louie Says:

October 7th, 2007, 1:28 am

Criticisms are a must in working enviroments so that all individuals involved work on the same page. I find that all your points are well taken and just common sense. I think a point not given in this post is the temperment of an individual, those dynamics of a person can reach in a very broad sense and requires time to get it right when stating constructive criticism to one.

Mark Says:

October 7th, 2007, 10:33 am

This is a great topic. And I think all your suggestions are valid. And something came to my mind while reading your article on how I deal with giving criticism to sensative people.

I work with young people/teenagers. Talk about a sensative, eh? I’ve learned over the years after mutiple pesonal mistakes that criticism should never be given. Instead, we should think about communicating a message of information.

I’ve realised that no one can tell another that they are wrong. It just isn’t respectful. People make mistakes there is no avoiding that. No one can know what is right for anyone else.

However we all have pesonal experiences that have allowed us to see life a little differently than the next person. So in my opinion, constructive criticism should be in the form of relating a personal anecdote of a lesson you learned that you want to share with someone else.

In this way instead of using “you” words, you are using “I” words. The focus is on yourself. Your story shares a bit about your life and thus makes you vulnerable to criticism not the person you are relating the story to.

The reference to the PCP in the above comments I would change to PSP. Praise, Share your story, Praise.

I also want to point out that you guys and gals out there that are writing and blogging are already doing just that. You are sharing your personal stories for all of us to read and learn from. I thank you for that, and I thank you for the opportunity to comment on your stories.

Phraedus Says:

October 7th, 2007, 20:39 pm

Thanks for following up with how to give criticism Leo, much appreciated. It’s really nice to be listened to in the comment section.

I think the most important bit of this blog occurs at the beginning, in understanding your motivations towards criticism. I’d like to add to that with another step.

What if your wrong?

I’ve had previous problems with having good intentions with constructive criticism, and then delivered it in a conducive way. And I was wrong. I assumed that my friend must have had malice intentions towards me, that there was no way you could treat another person like that, and expect to remain friends. It turns out, his actions had nothing to do with me.

You need to get outside your own head (hence the first set of bullet points) and examine your motivations, but also whether your criticism is warranted. The easiest way to do this? Ask them. Rather than go in and tell them there is a problem, ask them why they think they do something. There might be easier ways, or more sly ways, I’m open to suggestion.

Phraedus

Leo Says:

October 7th, 2007, 22:04 pm

@Mark: wow, that’s one of the best insights I’ve seen on this. I think I’m going to steal this idea. ;)

Seriously, if you’d like to write an article on this, contact me — zenhabits at the gmail.

Jo Says:

October 8th, 2007, 16:49 pm

I think, Mark’s point of view is bang-on.
We all think we’re right (or our point-of-view is the correct one) due to the experiences we made. It actually IS right - for us. It CAN be right for other people as well, but that’s their decision.
I think, sharing your experiences/point-of-view/anecdotes as a way of offering constructive criticism is a fair (and often successful) approach. This way you’re offering a bit of your personal wisdom to somebody else and they can chose to use it or ignore it. It’s up to them. You’re not patronizing, you’re sharing.
@Leo: your last comment is actually a great example for this. Mark shares an idea and it started you thinking…

Berg Adder Says:

November 8th, 2007, 13:01 pm

You can actually try being even less critical… don’t even offer suggestions of how people can improve. Instead, praise what you’d like to see more of. Very sneaky. If someone tells you, “I really liked how this piece had nice long paragraphs,” then you’ll remember that, and tend to write in longer paragraphs rather than using bullets.