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How to Survive (and Thrive) During the Holidays When You Feel Alone

Christmas is a pretty merry holiday (and I’d imagine the non-Christian holidays are pretty festive too), and for me, it’s always a time to count my blessings. I’m blessed with many things, but a loving family is top on my list.

However, there may be some of you who are going through these holidays without family, without anyone perhaps, and I know that can be extremely rough. This post is for you.

While there are many ways to be happy by yourself, I think there’s something about the holidays and the festiveness of it all that gets people down if they feel alone. For some, it’s a real low point, so much so that depression can hit and times can get pretty dire.

I was thinking about those of you who are going through this during this holiday season, and my heart goes out to you. If this time of year is getting you down, and you feel alone, here are some suggestions for things to do.

As always, remember that I am not a professional, and that counseling or other professional help should be sought if things are very serious. These are just my tips, based on things that have worked for me in the past.

1. Seek family and friends. When we’re feeling lonely, often the best comfort is the presence of loved ones. If possible, seek out their company, and spend some quality time with family and friends. Talk to them about your feelings … I know it can be difficult to admit to loneliness, but talking to someone about it can truly help. If you have no one to talk to, seek out a hotline in your area or go to an online forum and anonymously tell people about your loneliness. You’ll feel better for it.

2. Forgive. Sometimes what’s stopping us from making connections with loved ones is the walls we put up … perhaps we’re holding a grudge or there’s bad feelings about something that happened in the past. And the only thing keeping us from healing those wounds, and building that bridge, is pride and fear of rejection. So take the leap: throw pride aside, and jump through the wall of fear, and reach out to a loved one. Forgive them, in your heart, and just reach out. Make that connection. It’s Christmas. Forgive.

3. Open yourself to meeting new people. Another thing that stops us from making those connections with people is that we put up walls between us and those we don’t know intimately. Perhaps there are coworkers or classmates or other acquaintances that could be good friends, but we close ourselves off. Well, resolve to change that, if that’s the case. Open yourself up, and be friendly, and reach out. Sure, it won’t always work out, but it will never work out if you don’t give it a shot.

4. Volunteer. Nothing can remind us about the true spirit of Christmas as well as serving food to the less fortunate. It makes us realize how lucky we are, and we feel good that we are helping our fellow human beings. Take some time during the holidays to volunteer your time to a good cause, and in doing so not only give of yourself, but open yourself up to these fellow human beings. Then, if it’s a great as I think it will be, continue that throughout the year.

5. Exercise. You’ll see this on many of my lists … because it really works. Exercise is such a great way to lift your mood. I went running this morning, and it was just a beautiful start to my day. If you’re feeling down, get out and get active. You don’t need to hit the gym or go running … play basketball, hit the batting cages, go hiking, anything that gets you active.

6. Pamper yourself. Be Santa to yourself … give yourself the gift of relaxation. Get a massage, or go to a spa, or just set a hot bath and drink some tea or cocoa. However you do it, find a soothing activity and environment and just enjoy yourself.

7. Be festive. It may seem contrived, but if you act happy and merry, you probably will feel that way too. Get into the holiday mood, sing songs, decorate, celebrate in some way. With enough merriment in your life, you’ll find it making its way into your heart as well.

8. Give. Similar to volunteering, giving can give you a great feeling about yourself. Give to the needy, or to a neighbor, or to a child you know. Give to a good cause.

9. Avoid excessive alcohol. Many people resort to drink this time of year. But instead of bringing the numbness they seek, it usually leads to worse depression. Some alcohol is fine, but keep things in moderation.

10. Keep things simple. The holidays can be merry, but more often they’re filled with more activities than we can handle. The holiday events add things to our regular to-do list that threaten to overwhelm. Instead, simplify your life during the holiday season (and keep it going into the New Year) and reduce instead of increase the amount of stuff you do. You will be less stressed and happier for it.

11. Spend time with single friends. Sometimes it can be a real downer to hang around with your married friends and family. In addition, they are so focused on their family that they often don’t focus on you. While you shouldn’t shun your loved ones who have families or partners, it’s a good idea to get together with the single friends in your life. Not only can you keep each other company during these tough times, but you can focus on each other more, share commonalities, and have a great time together.

12. Find and pursue your passion. While many with families will work less during the holidays, you could try something different: work more. But don’t just work for work’s sake — do work that you love. Whether that’s a project you’re passionate about at your current job, or pursuing a passion outside your job in your off hours, pour yourself into work that you’re passionate about. You may need to seek out that passion, and do some experimenting and soul searching, but that’s the fun.

13. Hold a get-together yourself. Don’t wait to be invited — hold a get-together and invite those you’d like to talk to for a little while. Get creative with the food. Keep things simple. Play some great music and have a blast.

14. Focus on what makes you happy. Perhaps the most important tip of all: instead of focusing on what you don’t have, and thinking about what makes you sad and depressed … focus on what you love. What makes you happy? If you focus on that, that will be your reality. Sounds corny? It is. But it works.

What are your suggestions for those who find themselves lonely this time of year? Share in the comments or continue the discussion in the Zen Habits forums.

How to Survive (and Thrive) During the Holidays When You Feel Alone

However, there may be some of you who are going through these holidays without family, without anyone perhaps, and I know that can be extremely rough. This post is for you.

8. Give. Similar to volunteering, giving can give you a great feeling about yourself. Give to the needy, or to a neighbor, or to a child you know. Give to a good cause.

What are your suggestions for those who find themselves lonely this time of year? Share in the comments or continue the discussion in the Zen Habits forums.

Posted on 26 December 2007 in Happiness |
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Comments (33)

pavs Says:

December 26th, 2007, 2:14 am

Awesome advice, living away frommy family during this holiday, and many others in the past; I find these advice helpfull. And something I see myself following.

Steve Nguyen Says:

December 26th, 2007, 2:34 am

I have worked and am working with adults & teen who are depressed. Your last tip (Focus on what makes you happy) is one of the keys to getting people to resume simple, pleasurable activities in their lives. What we tell people all the time is to just get up out of bed and try to follow a routine even if you don’t feel like it. As you continue try to keep a focus on the little things that you enjoy and keep things simple. As a mental health professional, I am a firm believer that many people do not need counseling or medications (there are certainly severe ones who do), but rather stable familial and friendship relationships and support systems.

Great post for a non-counselor Leo. Keep up the great job. Happy New Year!

GCM Says:

December 26th, 2007, 3:01 am

Awesome advise. I see point 6 and point 10 rating high on my list. Pampering yourself can really relax you a whole lot. It brings about a certain calm in you - the feeling that there is atleast one person who cares about you — yourself!

And keeping things simple is something that one should do in everything - including celebrations :)

Maureen Says:

December 26th, 2007, 5:43 am

I would also suggest volunteering to help out somewhere during the holiday season. When I was a teenager a bunch of us would go caroling at an elderly care facility. We’d bring some goodies with us and sit and talk for awhile. It was such an amazing feeling to be able to bring a smile to these folks faces. Most of them had no one to visit them.

There are so many places that could use some extra help during this time of year as well as throughout the year and it really lifts your own spirits when you see what a little extra caring on your part can do for others.

Jez Says:

December 26th, 2007, 7:15 am

Leo. That is great advice. I used to find christmas a very lonely time but now i have my wife and family it is fantastic. I just wanted to say i wished i had your advice back when i was lonely. All of it rings true. Merry christmas one and all.

Veronica Says:

December 26th, 2007, 12:13 pm

Although I have a family, occasionally I feel lonesome. Thank you for the good advice.
Keep the Christmas spirit throughout the year! And may you and your family be blessed with good health in 2008!

Kenneth - Guy From Success Blog Says:

December 26th, 2007, 12:31 pm

I’ve done some gift exchange with few of my friends, and it feels great and take away all my lonesome feeling.

The Christmas of this year had been a never-ending party night.

Mike - Project Fit Says:

December 26th, 2007, 12:53 pm

Realizing that this feeling of alone is just something inside of us…nothing external. People have to realize that being happy is a choice…on how we view the world and ourselves. No one likes to be alone, because it’s hard to break out of our conditioning of thinking we need others around to be happy. We can be happy no matter who is around, because that is all internal…not external. Our perceptions, understanding of self and views are what make us happy or sad. It’s not an easy journey, but one worth pursuing to be happy every day no matter what is going on around us. Start your day off in reflection, have a purpose to your day, and find the happiness inside of you rather than thinking we all need external people, things, or events to give us a temporary thrill…only to be over at some point. Happiness is eternal and there if we choose it right now.

Deep stuff…I know…but it works…and I am no master at it but trying to learn. A smarter man named Anthony DeMello has written books on “Awareness” and “Way to Love” that are the only things I plan on reading this year in my attempt at daily happiness.

Mrs. Micah Says:

December 26th, 2007, 13:13 pm

It’s funny, I was happy to be with my parents (and Micah’s whole family), but I’m really relieved to be home and without as many people around. Just me and him, and that’s much more restful.

The depression drains me of emotional energy to handle many days of almost non-stop interaction.

I particularly like #10 and #14.

Margi Says:

December 26th, 2007, 13:21 pm

Kids. If you can be around kids, especially little ones who aren’t fussing over new cell phones and iPods, but are tickled just to have “new lips” (chapstick and lip gloss) and a new hooded sweatshirt. My niece and nephew are 8 and 3 1/2 and their giggles lighten any mood. (and as a rule, I don’t even like kids!)

Andrew Brunelle Says:

December 26th, 2007, 14:36 pm

I feel for those who are depressed and lonely this Christmas. I just hope they do not resort to alcohol or drugs to numb the pain they are feeling. You give some good tips for avoiding holiday depression. I can certainly see why people would get depressed if they have no one around them to wish them a Merry Christmas or a Happy Kwanzaa. I hope that everyone has a wonderful holidays independent of whether or not they have family present with them.

Kelly Says:

December 26th, 2007, 15:19 pm

Having barely survived severe depression at the holidays(and now back to my robust self…three years later) I can say that one thing few people will tell someone who is suffering is that it is OK to suffer.

If you’ve just had a loss, if you are grieving, if it is your first Christmas alone, sometimes surviving is enough. TELL SOMEONE how low you are and ask them to just be with you (or if you can be with them), even if that means while you sleep through the holidays to get on the other side.

It’s one thing to be low or lonely at the holidays and the tips are very good for that. But if you are truly depressed during the holidays, you will be unlikely to do many or any of them…yet. Survival and self-care are about it. And that’s ok.

Mich Mash Says:

December 26th, 2007, 15:29 pm

This makes me think of making my own list on how to survive during a deployment when you feel alone. Deployment is something I have been dealing with for years, as my husband is in the Army. As we are currently facing another one soon, and almost all of my friends are as well, it’s something that is almost always on my mind. I think your list is great, and some of those things could definitely carry over to other aspects of life where loneliness is involved; not just holidays.

Patrick from FierceDiscussions.com Says:

December 26th, 2007, 16:09 pm

Not that I feel lonely during the holidays anymore but I like your list. I agree with Margi that kids can help although for some people it can make you feel more lonely.

I think a lot of people will turn to their religion as well. A few years a go when I felt lonely, I started to read religious books and went to church which gave me hope and I was able to suppress my lonely feeling.

Anonymous Says:

December 26th, 2007, 18:16 pm

I have spent Christmas alone by choice often, as it is healthier for me than options with relatives, and I’ve had too many years of being the fifth or third or whatever wheel at family gatherings of people who feel sorry for me and can’t help but be patronizing. And that is my point — don’t project your own problems or depression on everyone who is alone at Christmas. It’s not the worst thing in the world, and far better than many of the miserable, stressed-out, dysfunctional consumer-crazed families I see who are just frantically going through the motions of a marketing-driven event. Some of us just prefer a quiet, positive, spiritual, creative day, alone, working, or helping others, to being with somebody else’s family.

rrtdbe3@att.net Says:

December 26th, 2007, 21:59 pm

Expectations. If I have no expectations of others, I will never be let down. I am a single dad. My sixteen year old son lives with me. That is good.
Really, if I see another commercial of a husband buying his wife a Lexus S.U.V.– I am going to throw up. The
” I WANT ” attitude is dissapointing. The commercialism is out of control. I enjoy most the peace and quiet that comes the night of Christmas Eve. A call from a friend. Time with my daughter, you know, the simplicities are what mean the most to me.

Warren Says:

December 26th, 2007, 23:02 pm

It really is as simple as this list. If you are lonely and need to feel comfort, it is easy to find if you are willing to look.

Morgan Says:

December 27th, 2007, 1:27 am

Whoever made the comment above about actually liking spending time alone on the holidays, I wish you weren’t anonymous - I agree with you. Given, consumerism and crazed families stressed out about having things perfect for the holidays are a bit of a drain, I agree with simply spending time alone. You’re not expected to work, in fact, nothing’s expected of you. Your time alone can work towards all sorts of nourishment, creativity, and cultivation.

I’ve spent the last few days simply being and being creative - while still getting some good ‘one on one’ time with my family.

Hope y’all are getting what you need out of this week!

Rose Garden Says:

December 27th, 2007, 1:27 am

Thank you, Leo, and happy holidays to you…

Peace and joy to those who choose to spend the holidays alone, and also to those that enjoy the simple pleasures that truly are the finer things in life.

I’ve spent many holidays alone, some by choice and some not. Some of the best memories are mine alone (unless my dog starts to tell secrets). And I am ever grateful for the years that I haven’t had to go on marathon shopping sprees for gifts that are expected but may or may not be appreciated, and receiving the same. The mall drains every last bit of holiday spirit out of me.

For those who are isolated and not by choice, finding others to spend time with is not easy or often times even possible, particularly over the holidays. Routines or holiday traditions can be comforting, even if they are not shared. Breaking routine doing something new or different can bring unexpected pleasure, whether it’s doing something as simple as going for a walk where you’ve never walked before, buying a new houseplant, or finding a hangout where people who don’t celebrate the season congregate. Strangers can often be the kindest people you ever meet.

Adam Kamerer - JoyChaser.com Says:

December 27th, 2007, 2:30 am

I really like the mention about using online sources to battle loneliness. While the company isn’t quite as fulfilling (sometimes) as face-to-face contact, there’s something enjoyable in being able to talk to anyone anywhere. Forums and blogs are great places to meet new people, as well as chat rooms.

Mary from goodlifezen.com Says:

December 27th, 2007, 3:41 am

I think the worst thing to do when you are lonely is to watch TV. Somehow that drags you down even more. To follow one’s passion and get right into what you enjoy doing most seems to be most effective way for me to deal with lonely days. Time flies and I forget to be lonely.
These days I am blessed with having my partner and son around me at Christmas. I count my blessings and am deeply grateful.
Have a great New Year!
Mary Jaksch

Loy Says:

December 27th, 2007, 9:54 am

Thanks Leo for your excellent posts. This one has come just the right time! Personally, I was feeling very lonely the past few days as I didn’t have any loved one to spend time with. My girlfriend lives far away but she was always there on the phone for me;-) And yeah, I did plunge myself into my other girlfriend - writing:-)

John of Indiana Says:

December 27th, 2007, 10:50 am

I’m glad “expectations” was mentioned. I think unrealistic expectations cause most of the depression this time of year. Face it, we’re pummeled at every turn to over-spend in order to show our family JUST how much we love them. It’s nauseating, this message of “you don’t really love your family unless you go deep into debt for them”. Does anyone know of somebody who actually GOT a new Lexus for Yule?
My expectations this year were just that it was going to be another day, yet a special one, because my daughter was going to be here, and we exchange gifts with more symbolic meaning than monetary value.
I used to get really down this time of year, I think because my life doesn’t match what you see on TV. Once I realized that TV depicts an obscene fantasy world, I got much better.

Zath Says:

December 27th, 2007, 16:14 pm

Some really good advice here. I always thought that I’d find it really hard being alone for occasions such as this - just like I think I’m someone who would find it difficult to live alone. I’m not alone this Christmas, however I don’t think I’d fear it quite as much as I used to.

However, in recent months, I’ve found myself having trouble find the time to do everything that I keep myself occupied with - I now understand the importance of finding something that really interests and drives you - and this is just one of the benefits that it gives you.

Mark Says:

December 27th, 2007, 17:57 pm

This is a great awareness and reminder for all of us!

Camilla Says:

December 27th, 2007, 19:28 pm

Really great to see a post focused on this kind of thing. I might just add… if attempts to find friends fall flat, just going out into the nearest town can sometimes satisfy some of the need to feel the energy of others. Just being in the bustle can feel like a social thing, and help a bit when you have no dedicated company.

It is also a good idea to plan ahead for the holiday season if you know you’re going to be on your own. There may well be planned trips or activities in your areas that you can pay to take part in, where there will be others that would appreciate a good chat and some company. If i found i literally had no family to go to over the holiday period, i think i might occasionally pay for my yearly holiday to be at that time - a winter excursion ice-climbing for a week or something!

And yes, expectations can be really harmful. Realising christmas doesn’t have to be all smiles and constant rosy cheer, can really take the pressure off!

KACHA Says:

December 27th, 2007, 23:04 pm

yeah thats nice

Suzie Cheel Says:

December 28th, 2007, 5:00 am

Great post Leo, inspired me as I had for the first time volunteered to help at a Christmas Dinner for those alone.
I find your blog so inspiring and am on Habit one of ZDT.

Suzie

Eugene (Editor, Varsity Blah) Says:

December 29th, 2007, 1:31 am

Most important is to be grateful. I just got back from a trip to Egypt and can’t tell you how much it totally changed me. You’d think that with so many people having so little (only 2% of the population live in houses with yards), they’d be miserable. If anything, they seem so much happier than the rest of us! It really is food for thought and a reminder of just how lucky we are…

Lonely Santa Says:

December 30th, 2007, 6:23 am

Thanks for this post! It did cheer me up a bit at least. I’d love to follow your adive, but I’m afraid that being lonely for so long has made me too damned lethargic. Really can’t motivate myself anymore *sighs*.

jen_chan, writer surefirewealth.com Says:

December 30th, 2007, 8:46 am

Its holiday season and everyone just seem to get all mushy and emotional so I’m bringing in the big gun. We think of God as the one who takes away our pain through his gentle love. And sometimes He does. But I think that quite often, He gives us our pain. Exercising tough love, he leads us to suffering telling us to keep going despite the hardship, the confusion, and the loneliness as we follow His guidance. All He wants is for us to trust Him through it all.
Happy Holidays to everyone!!