Can You Spot These 10 Thinking Sins?
Every Thursday is Happiness Day on Zen Habits.
I wish I had a dime for every time I heard someone making a negative comment about me, about others, about themselves. That last is really the worst. I could retire on those dimes.
The thing is, life could be so much better for many people, if they would just spot their negative thinking habits and replace them with positive ones.
Negative thinking, in all its many-splendored forms, has a way of creeping into conversations and our thinking without our noticing them. The key to success, in my humble opinion, is learning to spot these thoughts and squash them like little bugs. Then replace them with positive ones. You’ll notice a huge difference in everything you do.
As the Dalai Lama said, “The way to overcome negative thoughts and destructive emotions is to develop opposing, positive emotions that are stronger and more powerful.”
Let’s take a look at 10 common ways that negative thinking emerges (there are many more, of course) — get good at spotting these patterns, and practice replacing them with positive thinking patterns. It has made all the difference in the world for me.
10 Deadly Sins of Negative Thinking
1. I will be happy once I have _____ (or once I earn $X).
Problem: If you think you can’t be happy until you reach a certain point, or until you reach a certain income, or have a certain type of house or car or computer setup, you’ll never be happy. That elusive goal is always just out of reach. Once we reach those goals, we are not satisfied — we want more.
Solution: Learn to be happy with what you have, where you are, and who you are, right at this moment. Happiness doesn’t have to be some state that we want to get to eventually — it can be found right now. Learn to count your blessings, and see the positive in your situation. This might sound simplistic, but it works.
2. I wish I were as ____ as (a celebrity, friend, co-worker).
Problem: We’ll never be as pretty, as talented, as rich, as sculpted, as cool, as everyone else. There will always be someone better, if you look hard enough. Therefore, if we compare ourselves to others like this, we will always pale, and will always fail, and will always feel bad about ourselves. This is no way to be happy.
Solution: Stop comparing yourself to others, and look instead at yourself — what are your strengths, your accomplishments, your successes, however small? What do you love about yourself? Learn to love who you are, right now, not who you want to become. There is good in each of us, love in each of us, and a wonderful human spirit in every one of us.
3. Seeing others becoming successful makes me jealous and resentful.
Problem: First, this assumes that only a small number of people can be successful. In truth, many, many people can be successful — in different ways.
Solution: Learn to admire the success of others, and learn from it, and be happy for them, by empathizing with them and understanding what it must be like to be them. And then turn away from them, and look at yourself — you can be successful too, in whatever you choose to do. And even more, you already are successful. Look not at those above you in the social ladder, but those below you — there are always millions of people worse off than you, people who couldn’t even read this article or afford a computer. In that light, you are a huge success.
4. I am a miserable failure — I can’t seem to do anything right.
Problem: Everyone is a failure, if you look at it in certain ways. Everyone has failed, many times, at different things. I have certainly failed so many times I cannot count them — and I continue to fail, daily. However, looking at your failures as failures only makes you feel bad about yourself. By thinking in this way, we will have a negative self-image and never move on from here.
Solution: See your successes and ignore your failures. Look back on your life, in the last month, or year, or 5 years. And try to remember your successes. If you have trouble with this, start documenting them — keep a success journal, either in a notebook or online. Document your success each day, or each week. When you look back at what you’ve accomplished, over a year, you will be amazed. It’s an incredibly positive feeling.
5. I’m going to beat so-and-so no matter what — I’m better than him. And there’s no way I’ll help him succeed — he might beat me.
Problem: Competitiveness assumes that there is a small amount of gold to be had, and I need to get it before he does. It makes us into greedy, back-stabbing, hurtful people. We try to claw our way over people to get to success, because of our competitive feelings. For example, if a blogger wants to have more subscribers than another blogger, he may never link to or mention that other blogger. However, who is to say that my subscribers can’t also be yours? People can read and subscribe to more than one blog.
Solution: Learn to see success as something that can be shared, and learn that if we help each other out, we can each have a better chance to be successful. Two people working towards a common goal are better than two people trying to beat each other up to get to that goal. There is more than enough success to go around. Learn to think in terms of abundance rather than scarcity.
6. Dammit! Why do these bad things always happen to me?
Problem: Bad things happen to everybody. If we dwell on them, they will frustrate us and bring us down.
Solution: See bad things as a part of the ebb and flow of life. Suffering is a part of the human condition — but it passes. All pain goes away, eventually. Meanwhile, don’t let it hold you back. Don’t dwell on bad things, but look forward towards something good in your future. And learn to take the bad things in stride, and learn from them. Bad things are actually opportunities to grow and learn and get stronger, in disguise.
7. You can’t do anything right! Why can’t you be like Johnny?
Problem: This can be said to your child or your subordinate or your sibling. The problem? Comparing two people, first of all, is always a fallacy. People are different, with different ways of doing things, different strengths and weaknesses, different human characteristics. If we were all the same, we’d be robots. Second, saying negative things like this to another person never helps the situation. It might make you feel better, and more powerful, but in truth, it hurts your relationship, it will actually make you feel negative, and it will certainly make the other person feel negative and more likely to continue negative behavior. Everyone loses.
Solution: Take the mistakes or bad behavior of others as an opportunity to teach. Show them how to do something. Second, praise them for their positive behavior, and encourage their success. Last, and most important, love them for who they are, and celebrate their differences.
8. Your blog sucks. It’s super lame. You should stop writing, because you’re a moron and I hope you never reproduce.
Problem: I’ve actually gotten this comment before. It feels wonderful. However, let’s look at it not from the perspective of the person receiving this kind of comment (whether it’s on a blog or anywhere else) but from the perspective of the person giving it. How does saying something negative like this help you? I guess it might feel good to vent if you feel like your time has been wasted. But really, how much of your time has been wasted? A few minutes? And whose fault is that? The bloggers or yours? There are a million lousy blogs out there — you chose to come to this one, and you are responsible for your own actions and their consequences. In truth, making negative comments just keeps you in a negative mindset, and certainly doesn’t help the blogger. It’s also not a good way to make friends.
Solution: Learn to offer constructive solutions, first of all. Instead of telling someone their blog sucks, or that a post is lame, offer some specific suggestions for improvement. Help them get better. If you are going to take the time to make a comment, make it worth your time. Second, learn to interact with people in a more positive way — it makes others feel good and it makes you feel better about yourself. And you can make some great friends this way. That’s a good thing.
9. Oh yeah? Well up yours too!
Problem: If someone insults you or angers you in some way, insulting them back and continuing your anger only transfers their problem to you. This person was probably having a bad day (or a bad year) and took it out on you for some reason. If you reciprocate, you are now having a bad day too. His problem has become yours. Not only that, but the cycle of insults can get worse and worse until it results in violence or other negative consequences — for both of you.
Solution: Let the insults or negative comments of others slide off you like Teflon. Don’t let their problem become yours. In fact, try to understand their problem more — why would someone say something like that? What problems are they going through? Having a little empathy for someone not only makes you understand that their comment is not about you, but it can make you feel and act in a positive manner towards them — and make you feel better about yourself in the process.
10. I don’t think I can do this — I don’t have enough discipline. Maybe some other time.
Problem: If you don’t think you can do something, you probably won’t. Especially for the big stuff. Discipline has nothing to do with it — motivation and focus has everything to do with it. And if you put stuff off for “some other time”, you’ll never get it done. Negative thinking like this inhibits us from accomplishing anything.
Solution: Turn your thinking around: you can do this! You don’t need discipline. Find ways to make yourself a success at your goal. If you fail, learn from your mistakes, and try again. Instead of putting a goal off for later, start now. And focus on one goal at a time, putting all of your energy into it, and getting as much help from others as you can. You can really move mountains if you start with positive thinking.
See also:
- A Guide to Cultivating Compassion in Your Life, with 7 Practices
- 10 Benefits of Rising Early, and How to Do It
- 12 Ways to Decompress after High Stress
- The Three Secrets to Happiness
- Are Your Days Crazy? Take Control
- Edit Your Life Part 1: Commitments
- Edit Your Life Part 2: Your Rooms
- Develop Clean House Habits One at a Time
- How NOT To Multi-task: Work Simpler and Saner
- Slow Down to Enjoy Life
- Zen Mind: How to Declutter
If you liked this article, please bookmark it in del.icio.us. Thanks!
- Posted on 8 June 2007 in Happiness |
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Comments (34)
shankar ram Says:
June 8th, 2007, 6:35 am
Hello Leo!
Your first 4 points really struck a chord. I was going through a depressing patch last month. I forced myself to count & write down my blessings. It does work.
Som Says:
June 8th, 2007, 8:23 am
Thank you Leo, as before - reading such posts wakes us up! and the day goes great! I have emailed this post to my colleagues at work, to share the goodness!
Alex Corroborant Says:
June 8th, 2007, 9:05 am
Nice short list of brainfarts. Learn to recognize them, label them for what they are and drop them from your mind like used Kleenex. And cut back on eating too many beans of popular culture
Shannon Says:
June 8th, 2007, 9:06 am
This is a great reminder of things we can practice every day to cultivate happiness. I do believe happiness is something you have to practice at to get good at it. I especially fall prey to thinking negative thoughts about myself and to overreacting to what I perceive as negative comments by others. Often when I confront it head on, I discover it is not nearly as bad as I imagined it to be.
karenlim Says:
June 8th, 2007, 9:21 am
Hi Leo, fantastic post.
I think the reader who gave you comment 8 is not speaking with good purpose and I certainly have great respect to you for writing such fantastic post everyday.
Actually when we are looking at all the above points, we realise that positive thinking starts from feeling grateful for what we already have.
My experience has proven to me that gratitude is the first step to get even better things in life. So first learn how to love ourselves, grateful for our current reality and then look forward to the future dream. This is the exact steps I took and changed my life.
We have updated a post to share with readers how to practice gratitude . Enjoy!
http://secretofunlimitedprosperity.com/54/9-secret-steps-to-life-transformation-a-technique-to-give-gratitude/
Deb Says:
June 8th, 2007, 9:28 am
Great post Leo. I have been trying very hard lately to focus on positive thinking and your post was a good reminder. Keep up the great work
Tivilio Says:
June 8th, 2007, 10:37 am
Awesome post Leo! I can recognize a few of these things in myself (especially # 6), and your post is a reminder that I need to eliminate them from my life.
Janna Says:
June 8th, 2007, 10:40 am
I’ve found myself thinking some of those things before. Thanks for putting them down because now I realize just how self-defeating they are!!
Scott Says:
June 8th, 2007, 10:48 am
Leo, good post. I do have a question, though, about #5.
While I agree with the sentiment of that point, what do you do if you have a coworker who, despite all attempts on my part to be a team player, decided that they are going to characterize my hard work as their own and find ways to belittle me to make themselves look better?
HopefulGirl Says:
June 8th, 2007, 12:30 pm
Thanks for the tips Leo. I think a lot of positive thinking needs to come from a place of being self secure, and also a person of integrity. If you make decisions and carry yourself with integrity, you do not have to spend time worrying about other people. As long as I know I am doing the right thing in my own eyes, I am not as concerned with how other people react.
bill Says:
June 8th, 2007, 12:31 pm
Thanks Leo, all very true. But the deal breaker for me is that although these are all right thoughts, I don’t have merely within myself the capacity to live there. I think many people will try that thinking and want to live that way, but what I have learned in life is that we need a power beyond ourself that can only ultimately get us there. Trying to eek it out in our own power may have some short term gratification, but often won’t lead to long-lasting success.
Jennifer Says:
June 8th, 2007, 13:11 pm
Leo! Sorry, I didn’t know your name, so I made one up in my post today where I talked about my own thinking sins.
http://sobahmysoul.blogspot.com/2007/06/more-on-positive-thinking.html
Anyway, thank you for the post!
Scott from Simpleweight Says:
June 8th, 2007, 14:16 pm
Hey Leo. Thanks for a great post. It’s one of your better ones in a while.
One thing I’d like to add to #10’s solution: Already visualize yourself in that state. You are definitely correct. If you don’t think you will do it, you probably won’t!
Here’s a recommend blog post(s) What suggestions / books do you recommend in aiding creating of positive affirmations and creative visualization?
Travis Says:
June 8th, 2007, 14:28 pm
Another excellent post Leo. Thanks!
What is interesting to me is how all of these thinking sins boil down to one habit. Telling stories. Each of them is the running of an internal dialog about how things are, or should be, or shouldn’t be, rather than seeing things simply as they are.
Making stories in the head leads to not only suffering, but useless suffering. Why bother adding to the suffering that is already plentiful in the world? It’s not like we don’t have enough or something. ;-)
marco Says:
June 8th, 2007, 15:03 pm
Leo,
you are so right!
Leo Says:
June 8th, 2007, 15:06 pm
Thank you all for your positive comments! Not one of them said that I suck, which is nice. :) And there are some great insights there, to boot.
@Scott: Regarding your coworker. That’s a difficult thing to deal with. I cannot give you perfect advice unless I know your exact situation, but in general, here are some ideas:
1) Make your enemy your friend. This is a strategy that has actually worked for me before. Offer to buy your coworker lunch, and have a talk with him. Tell him that you guys might have gotten off to a bad start, and say that you’d like to get him on your side and work together with him. A good strategy is to ask for his help with something — especially if he’s been there longer, as he might want to see himself as an ally. Making him your friend, whether you like him or not, is much better than fighting him. And sometimes, the person turns out to be an OK person, and can actually become a good friend.
2) Talk to your boss. If this guy is taking credit for your work and saying bad things about you, then first of all, that is hurting you and you need to make it known to your supervisor, and second of all, he is doing unethical and irresponsible things and his supervisor (who might also be yours) should know about it. Tell your boss that you aren’t trying to get the guy in trouble, but that you just want credit to go where it’s due, and you would like your boss’s help in solving the problem. Offer to document your work and submit it to the boss, and suggest that your coworker do the same.
3) If the first strategy didn’t work, be sure to befriend everyone else. Getting the rest of the office on your side is a good strategy, so his down talking about you doesn’t work. Often people already know that this guy is a jerk, and if they see first-hand that you are a good guy, they’ll know that what he’s been saying is false.
Like I said, these three strategies are just general tips, and might not be best applied to your situation. Perhaps they’ll spur further ideas, though. They are a little drastic, I think, because your situation is difficult.
Most important, though: stay positive. Don’t let this guy drag you down. He sounds like a jerk, but he probably has some problems in his background — don’t let them become yours. Keep doing your work, make friends, have a good work experience despite this coworker. Ultimately, if this negative person is making your life miserable and the above strategies don’t work, you might consider other options where you will be happier.
Marc Says:
June 8th, 2007, 15:29 pm
Great Post, Leo! :)
One thing I’ve been more conscious of lately is what I write in my emails, seeing as it is a form of communication that is easy to edit prior to sending out (unlike verbal communication). In the past I’ve often used :( (unhappy faces) when commiserating with my co-workers about problems.
Now I try to avoid using them (I use more happy faces :) ) and also avoid writing negative things. Several times I’ve written something only to erase it or not send the email as I saw it not bringing a positive attitude to the problem. Sometimes it’s better not to say anything than to be negative.
:)!
Tivilio Says:
June 8th, 2007, 15:56 pm
Time for a follow-up comment. I’ve read this thread about 4 times today, and I do have to post a bit of an addition to #1 ” I will be happy once I have _____ (or once I earn $X).”
This can be taken to mean “don’t bother struggling for what you want.” I’ve actually heard it come up before & so many people jump to that conclusion, but that is not what it means at all. Personally I enjoy the statement, “I am happy in working towards my goals.” Yes, it is effectively saying that I am happy where I am, but it emphasizes that there is happiness to be found in the journey, not just the destination.
AgentSully Says:
June 8th, 2007, 17:20 pm
Awesome advice Leo!
And number 8 and 9 just have me laughing. So ridiculous. You took all the wind out of those sails by highlighting it. Thanks for leading the positive way!
moruku Says:
June 8th, 2007, 17:59 pm
Hey Leo! Been some time since I got around to reading blogs, anyway! Back to why I started writing this comment..
Great post, I know a lot of people who would benefit from following your advice here, and Dalai Lama is a wiz. And I too shall quote a great person; “An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.”, Mahatma Ghandi
1. Don’t start fights, it won’t help you.
2. Don’t fight back, it won’t make your situation any better.
Peace folks, and thanks for keeping this up Leo!
Tantowi Says:
June 8th, 2007, 21:45 pm
A lack of trust in our own judgment, probably stemming from negative messages received in childhood that add up to a feeling that other people’s feelings and opinions are more valuable than our own.
Mike Says:
June 8th, 2007, 21:58 pm
This was a good post. It made me think of several ways that we all tend to have negative thoughts and dwell on them. It seems like we have to make a special effort to, as you say, squash the nagative, harmful thoughts and replace them before they can do harm. I learned long ago that if just one person in a group is very negative, the nagtive influence can easily spread like a fast growing cancer.
thank you for continuing to post
Noma Says:
June 9th, 2007, 0:59 am
Delightful post. I think the strategy of filling the mind with positive, enriching thoughts is an excellent one. I’m curious though, in terms of Buddhism, if one is desiring a more positive outlook, isn’t that a form of attachment or striving? Of course, the Dalai Lama knows what he’s talking about. Thanks again for the terrific posts.
paulkdad Says:
June 9th, 2007, 2:10 am
Good thoughts, Leo. Lots of good things have been said here, so I’ll just add one reference (one of my favorites) I think you might enjoy: “There is Nothing Wrong with You,” by Cheri Huber. The title pretty much says it all.
sharon wortman farnham Says:
June 9th, 2007, 13:50 pm
Sounds like a book i once read the power of postive thinking we could all learn something by what you are saying . Thanks for sharing it with us .
David Says:
June 13th, 2007, 4:39 am
The first two points are to true. I often fall in the trap of thinking that I won’t be happy until I learn that, earn this, buy those or accomplish that. But this, as you point out, just results in never being happy with your current situation.
I also find myself constantly being harder on myself than on others. While accepting failure and imperfections in others, I don’t seem to be as forgiving towards myself. Anyone else having the same problem, and/or some tips on what to do about it?
Anyway. Seeing all those traps of negative thinking in writing makes them much more clear and easier to recognize in myself. Which is an important step towards replacing them with better (as in more positive) thoughts. Thank you for sharing!
David Says:
June 13th, 2007, 4:40 am
erhm. “the first two points are SO true”, of course.
E Says:
June 17th, 2007, 15:34 pm
What about…when I’m 18 I’ll be able to do this and this and this. I can be happy now but it is only temporary. I’ve always felt trapped. I mean, I wouldn’t choose to live with such insanity and callousness. I know this probably applies as well. It is just how I’ve felt since I was 9 years old.
nerkles Says:
June 17th, 2007, 22:30 pm
Great stuff, but I disagree with “ignore failures”. You shouldn’t dwell on them too much, but every one of them contains a lesson you need to learn in order to succeed later. Dwell just long enough to extract the lesson, then move on.
Rob Says:
July 1st, 2007, 13:19 pm
These are all sins I’ve committed myself. Everyone suffers from these sins — they are all very natural. Many times it’s your mind trying to protect you from something. I believe your subconscious uses any tool it can find to help you, and sometimes it grabs at a sinful thought and pushes it up into a conscious thought. When I recognize such a thought and just think about why my subconscious is worried, the sinful thoughts are often defused. Sometimes your subconscious is like an overly concerned mother — sometimes you just need to talk with your mother to help her stop worrying.
And I very much agree with nerkles’ post - I embrace all my failures. I tell people that if we learn from our mistakes and failures - I’m going to be the smartest man in the world. But, I quickly accept my failure,extract a lesson from it, forgive myself (very important), and move on.
kermit johnson Says:
July 14th, 2007, 16:10 pm
I have been letting myself get very depressed about the bad real estate market I have been working in.
#1 and #4 really hit home
Tom Says:
August 3rd, 2007, 15:23 pm
I recently found this blog and, to be honest, I do wish I’d found it earlier. We can’t change the past though so I’m looking forward to applying these steps to my future.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my past and my failures recently and it does nothing more than make me depressed. So I stopped kicking myself and started to look forward to what the future has in store with me. These tips help me a great deal and it’s something everyone should know.
About the failures thing. You should learn from them and then move on - not ignore them completely. I do understand what you mean about only remembering your successes but allowing yourself to to contemplate your failures will mean you can make sure they don’t happen again.
Thanks Leo, keep up the amazing work because you’re really making all the difference :-)
Daniel Says:
March 22nd, 2008, 9:45 am
Here is my thinking sin, I used to think alot about the future what would happen and what would not happen, it only makes me feel unsecured and depressed at the same time.
Not until I attened a church programme organised by W.F Kumuyi, I was made to understand that there is no need thinking about the future, instead we should LIVE ONE DAY AT TIME. God would be the one to organise our tommorrow.
Secondly I used to think about my goals every moment, instead of taking action I keep thinking of the stress involved and the time factor at the end of the day I would end up making no action out of my sinful thinking.
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