10 Ideas for Connecting With Your Kids

Every Tuesday is Finance & Family Day at Zen Habits.

Sometimes we can be so busy with our jobs, and our personal goals, and changing the world, that we have very little time to spend with our kids.

And trite as it may sound, the time we have with them is so limited, and passes so quickly, that we may lose out on their childhoods completely if we’re not careful.

Make time to connect with your kids — it’s worth the investment. This post was prompted by reader Brent, who recently asked this question:

I’ve only got two kids and I find it hard to make sure that I spend some time alone with each of them each day or even week.

I have a pretty good job, but somehow increased hours just seem to slip in unnoticed. I still hop in the bath with the kids after dinner, which is usually the first time I see them all day, and my wife and I share reading duties evenly.

I try to promote an appreciation of Thisness in my kids: every once in a while we sit out on the letterbox together and just name the things that we can hear.

Given that you have 57 kids, how do you manage that many relationships? What do you do to stay connected to each of them?

Well, just to clarify, I only have six kids. :) But here are some ways I’ve found to connect with them on a regular basis:

Make a date. Set a weekly date with each child, so you are ensured some alone time with them.
Read with them. I’m a big fan of this. Read to them every day if possible. It’s great quality time, and one of the best things you can do to help them in life. See the Best All-time Children’s Books.
Talk to them after work. When you get home from work, instead of sitting down and watching TV, or taking a nap, or finding some other way to veg out after a long day at work … take the extra effort to sit down and talk with your kids about their day.
Play “Highs and lows”. If dinnertime isn’t a productive time to connect with your kids, try playing this game (my kids love it): go around the table, and each person shares his high points of the day, and low points. One or two or even three of each is good. And everyone should really listen. It’s fun, and a great way to connect.
Work on a goal together. My son Rain and I recently completed a 6-month-long goal together — reading the first 5 books of Harry Potter aloud together. We made it a goal to finish all five before the movie came out (this weekend!), and it took some long reading sessions, and sometimes 2-3 times a day, but it was fun and very rewarding. And it taught him about setting and achieving goals by taking small steps each day. Now, my 7-year-old daughter Maia and I are doing another goal — to get her in shape for soccer in August. We have a workout plan, and I’m the drill sergeant, and we have a cool high-five we give each other at the end, and she has a workout journal. It’s a lot of fun, and it bonds us.
Play with them. Don’t be afraid to be a kid with them. Play video games, watch cartoons, play board games, have pillow fights, make a fort, play superheroes. Play at their level — don’t expect them to play at yours.
Talk to them in the car. Sometimes the only time my oldest daughter, Chloe, and I have together alone is when I take her to choir events or other school activities. This summer we’ve had more alone time, but sometimes we’re so busy, that the time when I drive her to and from these events is our only chance to talk. So I take advantage of it — and we have some great, deep conversations in the car.
Have a Family Day. Every Sunday is strictly for Eva, the kids and I. We don’t work, we don’t do (much) housework, we don’t go to functions or parties (usually). We plan out what we’re going to do, and we do really fun things with the kids. Last weekend we went on a hike and it was a blast. That time is reserved for them and no one else.
Have a Family Meeting. Before we start Family Day, we have our weekly Family Meeting (usually on Saturdays but sometimes on Sunday mornings). I wrote about it here. I know this isn’t exactly one-on-one time, but it’s a great way for us to talk about things with the kids, have fun with them, and include them in decision-making.
Just snuggle. Every now and then, just pull your child to you and hug them. Snuggle, be affectionate, squeeze them tight. That kind of physical intimacy is important — and the day will come when they don’t want to snuggle with you anymore. Take advantage of it now.

What are your ways of connecting with your kids? Let us know in the comments or discuss it in the Zen Habits forums.

See also:

If you liked this article, please bookmark it in del.icio.us. Thanks!

10 Ideas for Connecting With Your Kids

Every Tuesday is Finance & Family Day at Zen Habits.

Sometimes we can be so busy with our jobs, and our personal goals, and changing the world, that we have very little time to spend with our kids.

And trite as it may sound, the time we have with them is so limited, and passes so quickly, that we may lose out on their childhoods completely if we’re not careful.

Make time to connect with your kids — it’s worth the investment. This post was prompted by reader Brent, who recently asked this question:

I’ve only got two kids and I find it hard to make sure that I spend some time alone with each of them each day or even week.

I have a pretty good job, but somehow increased hours just seem to slip in unnoticed. I still hop in the bath with the kids after dinner, which is usually the first time I see them all day, and my wife and I share reading duties evenly.

I try to promote an appreciation of Thisness in my kids: every once in a while we sit out on the letterbox together and just name the things that we can hear.

Given that you have 57 kids, how do you manage that many relationships? What do you do to stay connected to each of them?

Well, just to clarify, I only have six kids. :) But here are some ways I’ve found to connect with them on a regular basis:

Make a date. Set a weekly date with each child, so you are ensured some alone time with them.
Read with them. I’m a big fan of this. Read to them every day if possible. It’s great quality time, and one of the best things you can do to help them in life. See the Best All-time Children’s Books.
Talk to them after work. When you get home from work, instead of sitting down and watching TV, or taking a nap, or finding some other way to veg out after a long day at work … take the extra effort to sit down and talk with your kids about their day.
Play “Highs and lows”. If dinnertime isn’t a productive time to connect with your kids, try playing this game (my kids love it): go around the table, and each person shares his high points of the day, and low points. One or two or even three of each is good. And everyone should really listen. It’s fun, and a great way to connect.
Work on a goal together. My son Rain and I recently completed a 6-month-long goal together — reading the first 5 books of Harry Potter aloud together. We made it a goal to finish all five before the movie came out (this weekend!), and it took some long reading sessions, and sometimes 2-3 times a day, but it was fun and very rewarding. And it taught him about setting and achieving goals by taking small steps each day. Now, my 7-year-old daughter Maia and I are doing another goal — to get her in shape for soccer in August. We have a workout plan, and I’m the drill sergeant, and we have a cool high-five we give each other at the end, and she has a workout journal. It’s a lot of fun, and it bonds us.
Play with them. Don’t be afraid to be a kid with them. Play video games, watch cartoons, play board games, have pillow fights, make a fort, play superheroes. Play at their level — don’t expect them to play at yours.
Talk to them in the car. Sometimes the only time my oldest daughter, Chloe, and I have together alone is when I take her to choir events or other school activities. This summer we’ve had more alone time, but sometimes we’re so busy, that the time when I drive her to and from these events is our only chance to talk. So I take advantage of it — and we have some great, deep conversations in the car.
Have a Family Day. Every Sunday is strictly for Eva, the kids and I. We don’t work, we don’t do (much) housework, we don’t go to functions or parties (usually). We plan out what we’re going to do, and we do really fun things with the kids. Last weekend we went on a hike and it was a blast. That time is reserved for them and no one else.
Have a Family Meeting. Before we start Family Day, we have our weekly Family Meeting (usually on Saturdays but sometimes on Sunday mornings). I wrote about it here. I know this isn’t exactly one-on-one time, but it’s a great way for us to talk about things with the kids, have fun with them, and include them in decision-making.
Just snuggle. Every now and then, just pull your child to you and hug them. Snuggle, be affectionate, squeeze them tight. That kind of physical intimacy is important — and the day will come when they don’t want to snuggle with you anymore. Take advantage of it now.

What are your ways of connecting with your kids? Let us know in the comments or discuss it in the Zen Habits forums.

See also:

If you liked this article, please bookmark it in del.icio.us. Thanks!

Posted on 10 July 2007 in Finance & Family, Parenting |
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Comments (14)

Kaitlin Says:

July 10th, 2007, 7:00 am

Leo, I have no doubt in my mind that you’re a wonderful Dad. :)

#10 especially is so simple, but most likely also often overlooked. One of my most prominant memories of my own Dad, alongside the time he was sick (he died just over three years ago) is just lying alongside him. He didn’t get home from work until about 5-6pm and he left before I woke up in the mornings, so I really only saw him for about 2-3 hours every night. Most often our family would just sit and watch the television. Hardly stimulating, but we both shared a lounge most nights and I used to play with his hands a lot…they were ‘tough’ hands…big, but also often cracked and ‘dirty’ looking (he worked on car exhausts). It’s funny the simple things that stay with you.

Another thing I’d like to add to the list (as a ‘kid’ myself, I suppose!): Take an interest in what they are doing, especially if you have any expertise in that area. If not, learn with them. Alternatively, show them new things. Dad always showed an interest in my music (a MAJOR part of what I do) and even though he didn’t always come to concerts and things he would listen at home, help me with practice and so on, especially at the beginning, before I got a little ahead of him. XD He also taught me a lot about computers…how to use Microsoft Access when I was eight, for example. Not only does it give your children skills that they can use later on, it also creates lasting memories and helps you to ‘connect’ with your children.

You never know what’s going to happen. I hate to sound like a pessimist, but there’s always the chance that the next time you see your kids will be the last. Leave them with memories that will last forever. :)

((Apologies…I started rambling again, didn’t I? XD))

You might have answered this question previously, but, if you don’t mind me asking…how old are your children? :)

brent Says:

July 10th, 2007, 8:08 am

Hey Leo,

Thanks for the great response to my question!

I was about to say which one of your list is my favorite, but I think they’re all excellent.

If I had to choose, I’d say that #5 certainly stands out for me. I think that sharing a common purpose is a great way to stay connected. I remember that my dad bought a little sail-boat and at one stage we were driving off every other weekend to find somewhere to potter about. Or when I was older, his tennis was declining and mine was improving and for a couple of seasons we played in the same team. Those are some nice memories, but more importantly they were very positive experiences.

If I could add anything to list it would be to have an attitude of approachability. If your kids know that they can approach you and get your full attention when they need it, they might be able to cope with the fact that you’re physically not around as much.

brent

Jesse Says:

July 10th, 2007, 8:56 am

I’ve always found the “playing at their level” was the best way to connect with kids. I don’t know how many times I’ve gone places and been stared at for running around like a 7 year old, but my kids love it. I watch the movies/cartoons my kids want to watch. Read the books that they like. So we have something to talk about. Kind of hard to talk to a 7 year old about Football or Linux, but bring up Fairly Odd Parents or Spongebob Square Pants and you can talk for hours. Recently my son has gotten in to skateboarding, so it’s either break my neck or let him go on his own for that one.

Leo Says:

July 10th, 2007, 9:02 am

@Kaitlin: Great additions! And to answer your question, my kids ages: Chloe is 14, Justin is 10, Rain is 9, Maia is 7, Seth is 3, and Noelle Cayce is 1.

@Brent: I’m glad you liked the list! And I love your addition to the list!

@Jesse: Great comment. Spongebob is one of my favorite cartoons ever!

William Profet from OneJobTwoSalaries.com Says:

July 10th, 2007, 9:39 am

I have no children yet, but I see that these tips are great! I will print them and will use them when the time comes! :)

Texafornia Says:

July 10th, 2007, 9:40 am

Wow. What an amazing post. Loved it, loved it, loved it. My wife and kid and I have tickling battles until we almost pass out. And I definitely take the time to talk with him in the car for a while before turning on the radio.

Kyle Says:

July 10th, 2007, 10:35 am

My wife and I have arranged our work schedules so that except for when they are at school there is always a parent with our Monkeys. My boys and I or my wife spend alot of time (It’s is summer Vacation) just hanging out together, spongebob rules!! Legos are still one of my favorites Even so it is hard not to let the drudgery have you miss out on really being with your kids. Thanks for the focus. My boys are 9 and 6 we have a progressive goal: We share the change jar and add the change from the end of the day or the bottle returns and set a fun Target. A new tent is up next for us.

Eric Grey Says:

July 10th, 2007, 12:28 pm

That last point- just snuggling - has been a very important one for me to learn. My daughter is 10 and as she’s become older I have fallen out of the snuggling habit, getting more cerebral with her and solving problems through discussion. This is great - and it works fine - not to mention it’s really helped her in solving problems at school…

But sometimes the kid just needs to be hugged and loved.

Also - I’ve found that spending time in nature together is important. I don’t make a big deal of it - we just go out to the nearest big park, or sometimes take a drive to the river. We just chill - talking about plants and animals. It’s always a wonderful time.

Eric
http://www.deepesthealth.com

Happy Rock Says:

July 10th, 2007, 13:51 pm

I think #1 is important for those of use who pack our schedules to the brim. If you don’t plan set times for your children, the time just slips away.

I have found that the decision to be happy, talk to my wife and play with my son when I come home from work really important.

If I come home and veg out, it really tells my children and and family what is important to me. I try to take the ride home to refresh myself, and smile big when I walk through the door. Often the smile comes when just thinking about my family in the car.
-The Happy Rock

Chris Says:

July 10th, 2007, 15:47 pm

Great list! I like to also involve the kids in daily tasks. Talking while peeling potatoes or trimming the hedge is great, but it also involves them in the ‘running’ of the family, letting them contribute and feel a part of it.

Again, great list from a great blogger!!

Leo Says:

July 10th, 2007, 17:23 pm

Thanks for all the great comments, guys! I especially love how you guys are sharing your own experiences and tips … good stuff. Thanks, everyone!

Rex Smith Says:

July 10th, 2007, 18:31 pm

I like your list. There is one thing this reminds me of that Brian Tracy once said. “Its the quality of time at work and the QUANTITY of time at home that counts”. So don’t sweat too much about how you will spend time with your kids just spend some time.

Jeff Says:

July 10th, 2007, 23:50 pm

I have to say I don’t agree with that list at all. A kid is going to let their parent know how much space to give them. If a child wants to read or play with their parent than they will make it known, but if you set aside a day that you spend time with your kid than your going to make them feel restricted, like they have some kind of forced obligation.

personal growth success Says:

July 11th, 2007, 11:56 am

Leo,
This is such a beautiful list. Being a single parent, I like to involve my son in cooking and other activities and try to make them fun. But certainly there is always a tug between getting work done and spending time with our children.

I think kids love time with their parents rather than feeling restricted. Maybe it’s harder with teenagers, but until that time kids want to be with their parents and learn from them. Activities can be based around the child’s interests, but I would never worry about having them feel restricted.