Photo by Shermee
25 Killer Actions to Boost Your Self-Confidence
Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit. - E.E. Cummings
One of the things that held me back from pursuing my dreams for many years was fear of failure … and the lack of self-confidence that I needed to overcome that fear.
It’s something we all face, to some degree, I think. The key question: how do you overcome that fear?
By working on your self-confidence and self-esteem. Without really thinking of it in those terms, that’s what I’ve been doing over the years, and that’s what helped me finally overcome my fears, and finally pursue my dreams.
I still have those fears, undoubtedly. But now I know that I can beat them, that I can break through that wall of fear and come out on the other side. I’ve done it many times now, and that success will fuel further success.
This post was inspired by reader Nick from Finland, who asked for an article about self-worth and self-confidence:
Many of the things you propose make people feel better about themselves and actually help building self-confidence. However, I would be interested on reading your input in general on this topic. Taking time out for your own plans and dreams, doing things another way than most other people and generally not necessarily “fitting in” can be quite hard with a low self-confidence.
Truer words have never been spoken. It’s near impossible to make time for your dreams, to break free from the traditional mold, and to truly be yourself, if you have low self-esteem and self-confidence.
As an aside, I know that some people make a strong distinction between self-esteem and self-confidence. In this article, I use them interchangeably, even if there is a subtle but perhaps important difference … the difference being whether you believe you’re worthy of respect from others (self-esteem) and whether you believe in yourself (self-confidence). In the end, both amount to the same thing, and in the end, the actions I mention below give a boost to both self-esteem and self-confidence.
Taking control of your self-confidence
If you are low in self-confidence, is it possible to do things that will change that? Is your self-confidence in your control?
While it may not seem so, if you are low in self-confidence, I strongly believe that you can do things to increase your self-confidence. It is not genetic, and you do not have to be reliant on others to increase your self-confidence. And if you believe that you are not very competent, not very smart, not very attractive, etc. … that can be changed.
You can become someone worthy of respect, and someone who can pursue what he wants despite the naysaying of others.
You can do this by taking control of your life, and taking control of your self-confidence. By taking concrete actions that improve your competence, your self-image, you can increase that self-confidence, without the help of anyone else.
Below, I outline 25 things that will help you do that. None of them is revolutionary, none of them will do it all by themselves. The list certainly isn’t comprehensive. These are just some of my favorite things, stuff that’s worked for me.
And you don’t need to do all of them, as if this were a recipe … pick and choose those that appeal to you, maybe just a couple at first, and give them a try. If they work, try others. If they don’t, try others.
Here they are, in no particular order:
1. Groom yourself. This seems like such an obvious one, but it’s amazing how much of a difference a shower and a shave can make in your feelings of self-confidence and for your self-image. There have been days when I turned my mood around completely with this one little thing.
2. Dress nicely. A corollary of the first item above … if you dress nicely, you’ll feel good about yourself. You’ll feel successful and presentable and ready to tackle the world. Now, dressing nicely means something different for everyone … it doesn’t necessarily mean wearing a $500 outfit, but could mean casual clothes that are nice looking and presentable.
3. Photoshop your self-image. Our self-image means so much to us, more than we often realize. We have a mental picture of ourselves, and it determines how confident we are in ourselves. But this picture isn’t fixed and immutable. You can change it. Use your mental Photoshopping skills, and work on your self-image. If it’s not a very good one, change it. Figure out why you see yourself that way, and find a way to fix it.
4. Think positive. One of the things I learned when I started running, about two years ago, what how to replace negative thoughts (see next item) with positive ones. How I can actually change my thoughts, and by doing so make great things happened. With this tiny little skill, I was able to train for and run a marathon within a year. It sounds so trite, so Norman Vincent Peale, but my goodness this works. Seriously. Try it if you haven’t.
5. Kill negative thoughts. Goes hand-in-hand with the above item, but it’s so important that I made it a separate item. You have to learn to be aware of your self-talk, the thoughts you have about yourself and what you’re doing. When I was running, sometimes my mind would start to say, “This is too hard. I want to stop and go watch TV.” Well, I soon learned to recognize this negative self-talk, and soon I learned a trick that changed everything in my life: I would imagine that a negative thought was a bug, and I would vigilantly be on the lookout for these bugs. When I caught one, I would stomp on it (mentally of course) and squash it. Kill it dead. Then replace it with a positive one. (”C’mon, I can do this! Only one mile left!”)
Know yourself and you will win all battles. - Sun Tzu
6. Get to know yourself. When going into battle, the wisest general learns to know his enemy very, very well. You can’t defeat the enemy without knowing him. And when you’re trying to overcome a negative self-image and replace it with self-confidence, your enemy is yourself. Get to know yourself well. Start listening to your thoughts. Start writing a journal about yourself, and about the thoughts you have about yourself, and analyzing why you have such negative thoughts. And then think about the good things about yourself, the things you can do well, the things you like. Start thinking about your limitations, and whether they’re real limitations or just ones you’ve allowed to be placed there, artificially. Dig deep within yourself, and you’ll come out (eventually) with even greater self-confidence.
7. Act positive. More than just thinking positive, you have to put it into action. Action, actually, is the key to developing self-confidence. It’s one thing to learn to think positive, but when you start acting on it, you change yourself, one action at a time. You are what you do, and so if you change what you do, you change what you are. Act in a positive way, take action instead of telling yourself you can’t, be positive. Talk to people in a positive way, put energy into your actions. You’ll soon start to notice a difference.
8. Be kind and generous. Oh, so corny. If this is too corny for you, move on. But for the rest of you, know that being kind to others, and generous with yourself and your time and what you have, is a tremendous way to improve your self-image. You act in accordance with the Golden Rule, and you start to feel good about yourself, and to think that you are a good person. It does wonders for your self-confidence, believe me.
One important key to success is self-confidence. A key to self-confidence is preparation. - Arthur Ashe
9. Get prepared. It’s hard to be confident in yourself if you don’t think you’ll do well at something. Beat that feeling by preparing yourself as much as possible. Think about taking an exam: if you haven’t studied, you won’t have much confidence in your abilities to do well on the exam. But if you studied your butt off, you’re prepared, and you’ll be much more confident. Now think of life as your exam, and prepare yourself.
10. Know your principles and live them. What are the principles upon which your life is built? If you don’t know, you will have trouble, because your life will feel directionless. For myself, I try to live the Golden Rule (and fail often). This is my key principle, and I try to live my life in accordance with it. I have others, but they are mostly in some way related to this rule (the major exception being to “Live my Passion”). Think about your principles … you might have them but perhaps you haven’t given them much thought. Now think about whether you actually live these principles, or if you just believe in them but don’t act on them.
11. Speak slowly. Such a simple thing, but it can have a big difference in how others perceive you. A person in authority, with authority, speaks slowly. It shows confidence. A person who feels that he isn’t worth listening to will speak quickly, because he doesn’t want to keep others waiting on something not worthy of listening to. Even if you don’t feel the confidence of someone who speaks slowly, try doing it a few times. It will make you feel more confident. Of course, don’t take it to an extreme, but just don’t sound rushed either.
12. Stand tall. I have horrible posture, so it will sound hypocritical for me to give this advice, but I know it works because I try it often. When I remind myself to stand tall and straight, I feel better about myself. I imagine that a rope is pulling the top of my head toward the sky, and the rest of my body straightens accordingly. As an aside, people who stand tall and confident are more attractive. That’s a good thing any day, in my book.
13. Increase competence. How do you feel more competent? By becoming more competent. And how do you do that? By studying and practicing. Just do small bits at a time. If you want to be a more competent writer, for example, don’t try to tackle the entire profession of writing all at once. Just begin to write more. Journal, blog, write short stories, do some freelance writing. The more you write, the better you’ll be. Set aside 30 minutes a day to write (for example), and the practice will increase your competence.
14. Set a small goal and achieve it. People often make the mistake of shooting for the moon, and then when they fail, they get discouraged. Instead, shoot for something much more achievable. Set a goal you know you can achieve, and then achieve it. You’ll feel good about that. Now set another small goal and achieve that. The more you achieve small goals, the better you’ll be at it, and the better you’ll feel. Soon you’ll be setting bigger (but still achievable) goals and achieving those too.
15. Change a small habit. Not a big one, like quitting smoking. Just a small one, like writing things down. Or waking up 10 minutes earlier. Or drinking a glass of water when you wake up. Something small that you know you can do. Do it for a month. When you’ve accomplished it, you’ll feel like a million bucks.
16. Focus on solutions. If you are a complainer, or focus on problems, change your focus now. Focusing on solutions instead of problems is one of the best things you can do for your confidence and your career. “I’m fat and lazy!” So how can you solve that? “But I can’t motivate myself!” So how can you solve that? “But I have no energy!” So what’s the solution?
17. Smile. Another trite one. But it works. I feel instantly better when I smile, and it helps me to be kinder to others as well. A little tiny thing that can have a chain reaction. Not a bad investment of your time and energy.
18. Volunteer. Related to the “be kind and generous” item above, but more specific. It’s the holiday season right now … can you find the time to volunteer for a good cause, to spread some holiday cheer, to make the lives of others better? It’ll be some of the best time you’ve ever spent, and an amazing side benefit is that you’ll feel better about yourself, instantly.
19. Be grateful. I’m a firm believer in gratitude, as anyone who’s been reading this blog for very long knows well. But I put it here because while being grateful for what you have in life, for what others have given you, is a very humbling activity … it can also be a very positive and rewarding activity that will improve your self-image. Read more.
20. Exercise. Gosh, I seem to put this one on almost every list. But if I left it off this list I would be doing you a disservice. Exercise has been one of my most empowering activities in the last couple years, and it has made me feel so much better about myself.
All you have to do is take a walk a few times a week, and you’ll see benefits. Start the habit.
21. Empower yourself with knowledge. Empowering yourself, in general, is one of the best strategies for building self-confidence. You can do that in many ways, but one of the surest ways to empower yourself is through knowledge. This is along the same vein as building competence and getting prepared … by becoming more knowledgeable, you’ll be more confident … and you become more knowledgeable by doing research and studying. The Internet is a great tool, of course, but so are the people around you, people who have done what you want, books, magazines, and educational institutions.
22. Do something you’ve been procrastinating on. What’s on your to-do list that’s been sitting there? Do it first thing in the morning, and get it out of the way. You’ll feel great about yourself.
23. Get active. Doing something is almost always better than not doing anything. Of course, doing something could lead to mistakes … but mistakes are a part of life. It’s how we learn. Without mistakes, we’d never get better. So don’t worry about those. Just do something. Get off your butt and get active — physically, or active by taking steps to accomplish something.
24. Work on small things. Trying to take on a huge project or task can be overwhelming and daunting and intimidating for anyone, even the best of us. Instead, learn to break off small chunks and work in bursts. Small little achievements make you feel good, and they add up to big achievements. Learn to work like this all the time, and soon you’ll be a self-confident maniac.
25. Clear your desk. This might seem like a small, simple thing (then again, for some of you it might not be so small). But it has always worked wonders for me. If my desk starts to get messy, and the world around me is in chaos, clearing off my desk is my way of getting a little piece of my life under control. It is the calm in the center of the storm around me. Here’s how.
Somehow I can’t believe that there are any heights that can’t be scaled by a man who knows the secrets of making dreams come true. This special secret, it seems to me, can be summarized in four C s. They are curiosity, confidence, courage, and constancy, and the greatest of all is confidence. When you believe in a thing, believe in it all the way, implicitly and unquestionable. - Walt Disney
How have you boosted your self-confidence? What are your thoughts on this? Share in the comments or continue the discussion in the Zen Habits forums.
If you liked this article, please bookmark it on del.icio.us or vote for it on Digg. I’d appreciate it. :)
- Posted on 9 December 2007 in Goals, Happiness, Motivation |
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Comments (59)
Putta Says:
December 9th, 2007, 21:34 pm
Hello:
What a wonderful post!!!! This is what I’ve learned from some friends who have had difficulty with self-confidence.
One tends to spend too much time “comparing” herself with biggies. In so doing, she incessantly puts herself on a downer and inferiority by thinking those biggies get big either too easy or too quick while she almost always has to push herself very harshly to do it. I call it another self-destructive psyche.
I’ve learned so much about self-confidence by actively listening to this particular fellow talking non-stop about her life and her struggles: her divorce, her father who walked away from the family, her mother, her daughter, her coworkers, her supervisor, etc. Unfortunately, when I’ve tried to talk her out of it, she blamed me for pitying her, which she had never asked for…
Anyhow, I love #8 as I think it is at the very bottom of our heart… Kindness and generosity color our views toward ourselves and others all the time.
As for #11, that is something I’ve to work hard for. I tend to speak very fast… Hmm… I’ve been told so many times that I don’t make myself understood.. Thanks!!! I think when I’ve tried to talk slowly, I’ve learned to put my mind on my words, something I’ve usually neglected…
Regards,
Putta
Moataz Says:
December 9th, 2007, 21:48 pm
you are great man
great post
great blog
:)
Chris Says:
December 9th, 2007, 22:15 pm
I think the biggest thing you can do longterm is slowly chip away at your goals and weaknesses and build up a history of life experience that truly confirms you have something to be confident about.
If at the moment, you’re not all that confident and you legitimately have weaknesses and problems in your life, just trying to feel more confident will take you pretty far, but not all the way.
Steve Nguyen - BeyondBehaviors.Com Says:
December 9th, 2007, 22:17 pm
Leo: I like #7 where you talked about acting positively. I discussed this in detail in my post, “How to Control Your Life Instead of It Controlling You - Part 2.”
I work with students and adults with disabilities (mental, physical, etc.). One of the things I often hear is that they want to change certain areas of their lives, really want to change but often fail. As you had mentioned in #16 Focus on Solutions, my role is to help them to see the exceptions to the rule. That is, it’s not that they always fail, it’s that they at times succeed but fail to see it as a small success.
Emotional issues like self-confidence/self-esteem are sometimes ingrained. In order to break out of it, the person has to decide to want to make changes and then more importantly to start acting (small steps) towards those change.
Bobby Rio Says:
December 9th, 2007, 22:36 pm
Great tips.. I’ve found that self confindence comes in spurts… when im completlely focused i feel the most confident… when im scattered brain i seem to lose my confidence.
Most of your topics are ones that I can relate to.
Janna Says:
December 9th, 2007, 23:36 pm
Wow, this was incredibly timely for me. I’ve been having confidence issues which in turn have impeded my productivity and my ability to finish my schoolwork. I’m going to try some of these tips and I hope that soon I can boost my confidence. I’ve already started off by getting signed up to volunteer as a crisis phone line counselor. I’ve never really volunteered before, and I think perhaps it’ll be a huge confidence booster for me because I care so deeply for people.
Anyway, I am rambling! Thanks again for the wonderful tips. :)
Mrs. Micah Says:
December 9th, 2007, 23:38 pm
These are very true. I’ve had to do a lot of this periodically battling depression. Just taking a shower can make a huge difference in how I’m feeling.
Speaking of photoshopping–another interesting thing to do is photoshop your own image.
I’m a firm believer that you should like who you are (even as you make yourself who you want to be in the future). But I’ve photoshopped myself and I had an astounding realization—I’m really hot.
At least, once I get done editing the picture I am. I’m an ordinary looking person, but even an editing novice like myself can make me reasonably stunning. Imagine what a pro could do.
I had such a rush that day, I went around feeling like a model. :) I could compete on their playing field. Nobody gets airbrushed in real life.
Susan Says:
December 10th, 2007, 0:03 am
I guess I’ll just keep asking this until somebody answers me: is there any way I can read Leo’s blog entries by month instead of by category? Thanks.
Mrs. Micah Says:
December 10th, 2007, 0:12 am
Hi Susan. Yes there is. Just go to: http://zenhabits.net/2007/12/
And then http://zenhabits.net/2007/12/page/2/ for the second page.
Or use the “previous posts” link at the bottom of each page.
Type in your own year and month numbers to get to earlier months. :)
Leo Says:
December 10th, 2007, 0:25 am
@Susan: You can type the month into the url like so for January 2007:
Just change the “01″ to whatever month you’d like. There aren’t any before January 2007.
Seeker Says:
December 10th, 2007, 0:26 am
Excellent article. So many of us suffer from low self-confidence. I will the way you focus on the small things which make such a huge difference.
Susan, if you wish to see the articles by month, you can try these links
http://zenhabits.net/2007/12/
http://zenhabits.net/2007/11/
and so on
Hope this helps!!
————————————
My positivity blog http://positivityhub.com/
zero255zero Says:
December 10th, 2007, 0:30 am
My self confidence isn’t that high. It seems like some people can see that, and will exploit you. I have a co-worker who tends to take advantage of me because of this fact (I am also a lot younger than him). Hopefully I can break out of it, as some of the posters above commented on.
I think eye contact is very important too. Great post as always.
Albert | UrbanMonk.Net Says:
December 10th, 2007, 0:37 am
An extremely nice and comprehensive post Leo, I was wowed. I believe, true lasting change comes from the inside out - once you go inside yourself and face your fears and insecurities head on, instead of trying to dress them up, run from them, hide from them - everything else begins to fall naturally into place.
Cheers,
Albert | UrbanMonk.Net
Modern personal development, entwined with ancient spirituality.
etavitom Says:
December 10th, 2007, 1:13 am
these are 25 truly remarkable suggestions! thank you so much and enjoy the rest of your weekend….
Martin Says:
December 10th, 2007, 2:59 am
The quotation at the beginning. . .would it not be signed as “e.e. cummings” rather than “E.E. Cummings”? Just a thought.
Eugene (Editor, Varsity Blah) Says:
December 10th, 2007, 3:25 am
Great post, Leo! I think the most important thing is to start small. Little victories day by day really do add up to quite an achievement. And they’re totally doable, which means no excuses! Keep it up!
JEMi Says:
December 10th, 2007, 3:38 am
What an incredible post :) Great timing, great everything lol..
I’ll be sure to share this with everyone that can use it
-JEMi
Leo Says:
December 10th, 2007, 4:32 am
Thanks for all the great feedback, guys! I really appreciate it.
@Martin: Originally I had it lowercase but I did a little research and changed it to the conventional spelling … see Wikipedia on this:
“Cummings himself used both the lowercase and capitalized versions, but according to his widow did not … have his name legally changed to “e. e. cummings”. He did, however, write to his French translator that he preferred the capitalized version (”may it not be tricksy”). Today, one Cummings scholar considers that for the poet to have signed his name all-lowercase may have been a gesture of humility, but for others to do so would be an act of condescension.”
psmail Says:
December 10th, 2007, 5:04 am
“A person who feels that he isn’t worth listening to will speak quickly, because he doesn’t want to keep others waiting on something not worthy of listening to.”
Gee, I have known this about myself for a long time. But I did not realise that anybody else throught this of me.
My only issue with this is that speaking more slowly is as difficult as speaking with a foreign accent, like Scottish (I am not a Scottish). But now that my secret is out, I will have to try again.
yustiawan Says:
December 10th, 2007, 5:09 am
What a great post. Great suggestion. It’s very useful. I really like it much…!!!
TOTALFUNWORLD.COM Says:
December 10th, 2007, 5:47 am
Great post. I learnt alot. Thanks for the sharing.
arun Says:
December 10th, 2007, 5:54 am
wow!! thanks to stumble upon which showed me this article in the right time..recently I have been having these self esteem and self confidence issues which i was desperately trying to solve.. i decided some solutions but was not clear and confident on those..through this post I’m quite clear on my decisions. As the first step on improving my self confidence I would love to follow #19 and thank Mr.Leo for this great post written on my birthday:)
morello Says:
December 10th, 2007, 6:39 am
hello leo. i like your blog. its so inspiring. now i still trying to be steady blogger. thanks for the inspiration :)
Nick Pagan Says:
December 10th, 2007, 7:25 am
Number 13 - Competence does it all for me. Think of the things that you have total confidence with - that’s initially hard to do because you have such outstanding competence at them that you totally disregard them. It’s things like walking, talking, writing and reading, driving a car, swimming and the like. At one time you couldn’t do any of those things. You had to learn them and then master them.
Confidence totally depends upon your competence to do the things that you want to do. If you don’t have that yet with the things you want then keep working at it privately. If you try to depend upon abilities in public that you don’t have the full competence to fulfill then you will feel doubt and a lack of confidence. If you make commitments based upon your strongest competencies then you will feel confident about fulfilling them.
By the way, Leo, great blog and forums. I have a deep respect for what you are doing and achieving.
Stuart Says:
December 10th, 2007, 8:38 am
Leo - thanks a lot for this post. I recognised in it some solutions which I think will work very well for me :)
Stephen Hopson--Adversity University Says:
December 10th, 2007, 8:47 am
Leo:
What’s interesting is that while non of the items are on the list are new, what makes it special and informative is that you experienced them yourself. Not only that but each and every one of them are “do-able.”
I am a HUGE believer in the power of gratitude. In fact, I have a weekly gratitude post over at my blog, something that seems to be catching on within the blogosphere. The power of expressing gratitude through the Internet cannot be underestimated.
With that in mind, I should say “thanks Leo” for sharing your wisdom, experience and best of all, love from the heart. That’s how you come across to me.
Lauren Says:
December 10th, 2007, 8:48 am
Wow… Leo - your posts are consistently really high-quality, but this one is outstanding!
Every so often, I think we need to sit down and look at all the little ways we neglect ourselves before we get to the situation where we’ve lost our confidence. And this is a great collection of ways to do it!
maria Says:
December 10th, 2007, 9:01 am
“I imagine that a rope is pulling the top of my head toward the sky, and the rest of my body straightens accordingly”
that part of the post made me laugh so much, that’s great, how many ideas! thanks for them!
FiboZen Says:
December 10th, 2007, 9:12 am
It’s very important to remain true to yourself & maintain your dignity.
Then there is nothing to worry about.
It’s important to be good & honest for/against other people, no matter what.
Then there is nothing to worry about for them.
It’s important to not burden your soul with judgment & desires.
Then your soul is light & open.
It’s important to accept everything the way it’s handed to you.
Then there is nothing to stress about.
It’s important to be thankful for everything you receive & experience.
Then life becomes a gift.
It’s important to learn from all the hardships you may encounter.
Then you secure your life progression.
It’s important to be a giving & sharing personality.
Then you can receive.
There is nothing important, only wise & in your own and others best interest.
And life will be good.
passerby Says:
December 10th, 2007, 10:02 am
Self confidence is inversely proportional to self interest.
Kelly Says:
December 10th, 2007, 10:45 am
Leo,
Thanks for this post. I’ve been reading your blog for a little more than a month and find it both useful and inspiring. Where I live it is a cold, rainy Monday morning and this is a much needed reminder.
Gloria Says:
December 10th, 2007, 10:50 am
I’m not sure if I have self-confidence issue. I guess I have too large an ego for that. :P But this post is wonderful because not not only is it useful to build self-confidence, it’s also useful to tackle those blue days. And everyone have blue days!
“If my desk starts to get messy, and the world around me is in chaos, clearing off my desk is my way of getting a little piece of my life under control. It is the calm in the center of the storm around me.”
This is very true! Though I never thought of it this way. I’ve always thought that my tendency to clean up, tidy and organize when I’m stressed was to just let the steam out in a positive way (as oppose to losing my cool). Now I realize it’s a way for me to regain control.
Chrissy (the E.A.) Says:
December 10th, 2007, 10:53 am
Hi Leo - I’d like to add “eat a healthy diet” to this list. When I was doing nutrition work with people, it became very apparent that a poor diet contributed to feelings of low self worth and depression. While some people eat junk to comfort themselves, others feel bad BECAUSE of the junk they eat. Nutrient void foods can act as chemical depressants on the brain impacting mood, energy, and self image. By eating a healthy diet, you are loving and respecting yourself which will help lift confidence levels immensely.
Another great post, Leo - Thanks!!
gene Says:
December 10th, 2007, 11:35 am
You forgot to mention positive affirmation.
You are what you believe you are. If you repeat something like “Everyday In everyway I get better and better” after awhile to start believing yourself.
Sam Says:
December 10th, 2007, 12:52 pm
Thanks for the great list. My wife and I have just returned from a journey of a lifetime. We bought a sailboat, quit our careers (by age 30) and sailed across the pacific. I learned much about life in that journey (far beyond what I would’ve learned if I sat in a office for those three years). One of those lessons is that you can go a very long way if you take it a mile at a time. It is amazing in life how much knowledge/competence you’ll gain if you keep at something. The other major lesson learned is that storms happen. They are part of life. You just need accept that they will be there. Many people are surprised to encounter storms and fall into the mistake of letting those storms disable the rest of their life.
Once again - great writing and thank you for sharing with us.
Leo Says:
December 10th, 2007, 18:38 pm
Thanks for all the great feedback, guys! I’m glad you found it useful!
Sorry the site was down for awhile … need to start caching this site. :)
Mr. Wolf Says:
December 10th, 2007, 18:56 pm
Good advice.
Though it is said that the roadway to hell is paved with good advice, I do believe that in this instance the detour is well worth it.
Travis Says:
December 10th, 2007, 19:17 pm
Kudos again, Leo.
Coincidentally I was reading an article about self-esteem over the weekend in “What is Enlightenment?” magazine. It was a piece by Maura R. O’Connor - “Are We Feeling Too Good about Ourselves for Our Own Good?” In the article she discusses the origins of the term self-esteem. The phrase was first coined by William James in 1890. It was a measure of number of successes of personally important goals versus failures of same. In other words, self-esteem was seen to be built up by success, and eroded by failure.
The concept was embraced in the circles of psychology in the mid 60’s, and slowly morphed over the years to the point that it’s meaning was reversed. Self-Esteem became a component cause of success, rather than a result. Parents were encouraged to laud their children, telling them how inherently special and important they are to build self-esteem. The result was not what was hope for. Instead of producing a generation of star performers, a generation of entitlement was produced. Kids no longer felt as much need to prove themselves because they were already special, unique, important. Instead of earning self-esteem, its after effects were pre-given. This sets up a seriously deep level of disillusionment as the children grow into adulthood either not bothering to make effort, or being terribly confused when that effort meets with failure (which is statistically bound to happen to everyone and is a natural part of the learning process) and lie is given to the idea that they are already great. It leads to a breakdown in inherent trust for early authority figures, and leaves one ill equipped to recover from the occasional set back. Then, a vicious circle gets up as the false foundations of self-esteem are revealed as pipe dreams and the adult must now come to grips with the fact that success is not inherent.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I do truly believe that each and every emergent form of Spirit is inherently important and capable of great things, but I don’t believe that those great thing must occur as a matter of course. I consider myself a victim of the above cycle, in gross and subtle ways, and I see it in many of my peers.
Because of the reversal of the meaning of self-esteem, and it’s nearly global application in this country, we have been left as a generation of people who either promise far in excess of our capabilities, feel no need to prove ourselves ever, or become bitterly resentful of unfulfilled promises on a subconscious level built on hollow hopes.
For my money, the tips you gave above about achieving small goals are the best bet (14, 15, 20, 22, & 24). Self-esteem is a measure of overall success, and adding to the pile of things to be proud about will have a snowballing effect.
Vagelis Says:
December 10th, 2007, 19:25 pm
No thank you Leo !
zenhabits is changing every little thing that was slowing me…
grace Says:
December 10th, 2007, 19:31 pm
Good post!
Any suggestions on how to filter out other people’s negativity, expectations, and outside noise… My resources are drained and I can no longer visualize what I desire. The only thing I seem to be able to achieve is cleaning out the material clutter.
Tim Says:
December 10th, 2007, 19:44 pm
Hi Leo,
I want to testify to physical exercise as a major self-esteem booster and “force multiplier”.
I found that the greatest way to get regular exercise back into your life and avoid the “I can’t be bothered” syndrome is to join a team sport, where your team is counting on you to show up each week.
For example, this year I started back at basketball after a 20 year absence.
We throw in a planned trained session once a week, and hey presto you’ve suddenly got a couple of hour-long workouts into your week.
We are not playing A grade basketball or anything like that. In fact we are playing Thursday night F grade!! But that’s OK. We give it 100% every week and every game is intense, and we enjoy it immensely.
The energy and feel-good benefits of doing more exercise are fantastic, and definitely sharpen your mental attitude and response to challenges in other areas of your life.
FiboZen Says:
December 10th, 2007, 19:57 pm
I keep amazing myself over these over complex posts and comments. I have had 3 years now in which I tried every audio-book or course-like material I could get my hands on , but none of them worked.
Until I met this personality called Shilpa Shetty. She is an Indian actress, that has participated in Celebrity Big Brother. I watched many interviews of her and the whole Celeb Big Brother thing.
I learned 1 thing from her; Remain totally true to yourself & remain your dignity. This way you have nothing to fear, nothing to excuse for, and nothing to say ’sorry’ for.
We western people are used to cumber ourself with lies and stories to cover up the ‘truth’ about our self. But she doesnt need to do that, since she is totally true to herself and being a good person… she has nothing to hide for and to excuse for.
This is where true self-confidence stems from, and from which you can start building on every aspect of your life. But as long as you remain to have things in your personality that arent true/real/good in your opinion, you will fail to achieve whatever you want to accomplish.
So be true & totally honest to yourself and others around you. The moment you ‘hide’ something from somebody by not telling the whole story, you are being false to yourself and this will totally cloud & darken your spirit/soul.
Be true & honest & respectfull & worthy to yourself, and all other things will come.
In my opinion the article on top doesnt have anything to do with building self-confidence. Being true to yourself does, and it wraps it up in 1 sentence, instead of 25 killer actions to boost self-confidence :D… or 21 habits to remain happy, or 7 habits to remain motivated or bla-bla-bla succes self-confidence course :D.
Ofcourse I dont want to sound rude or blame you, but as you can understand by now… it would not be true to myself if I didnt speak my true mind about this matter. The reason being that I know I’m totally honest, meaning it in a good way, trying to be helpfull in others need… and thus have no reason to feel ‘unconfident’ or ‘unsecure’ or whatever about my statements :D
have fun and be true to yourself!
Miss Gisele from myBeautyMatch.com Says:
December 11th, 2007, 1:26 am
Leo,
This is your longest and most detailed post to date (since I’ve been reading your post).
These are excellent pointers to help people boost their confidence if they have low self-confidence.
I really like this point: 14. Set a small goal and achieve it.
I think it goes for everyone…even those who don’t naturally have low self-esteem. Small achievement will seriously boost your confidence and the best part is that you can have small achievements everyday and therefore boost your self-confidence everyday!
Gisele
Ryan Says:
December 11th, 2007, 2:28 am
That is quite a comprehensive list. Very good points. I especially liked #10 Know your principles, and #16 Focus on solutions.
By developing our standards and principles, every decision is directed to our deepest knowing and purpose. This allows us to overcome a lot of self doubt after the event has passed.
Through focusing on solutions instead of problems, we can avoid stimulating needless aggravation and heightened stress with others who may not be as aware of their actions.
Good stuff.
Beautyscientist Says:
December 11th, 2007, 6:35 am
It is easy to neglect point 1 about grooming yourself. Also remember that how you look affects the way people treat you too.
Terry Says:
December 11th, 2007, 15:16 pm
I love your visualization technique, squashing negativity bugs! I’ll have to keep that in mind.
My best self-confidence technique is to go beyond my comfort zone. I make a point of doing that at least once a day, and because it’s a deeply ingrained habit, my day seems somehow wrong if I can’t point to one foray into the uncomfortable. That “wrong” feeling means that I get a little positive energy, a little joy jolt, whenever I can check that character-building accomplishment off my list each day.
The departure from my comfort zone can be something small — speaking up in a meeting, getting my teeth cleaned, or trying a new recipe. It can be something entirely in my head, such as consciously deciding not to get angry at someone who just cut me off in traffic. Whatever it is, I can recognize it instantly, both by the anxiety I feel and by the euphoria that comes when I’m successful.
Elle Rayne Says:
December 11th, 2007, 16:59 pm
Thanks so much for this article. I’m printing it right now and putting it up by my desk.
Tina Su - Think Simple Now Says:
December 11th, 2007, 19:15 pm
This is beautiful Leo!
You are an inspiration.
Thanks for gracing us with these heart-felt words. :)
april Says:
December 12th, 2007, 0:52 am
I have another one to add to the list…
Speak out loud, by yourself
I found that if I formulate my thoughts into words ahead of time, I speak with a much stronger conviction. It allows me to know what I am going to say and how it will sound. I’ve learned to experiment with voice inflection as well. It’s amazing what this can do for you. Especially in regards to presentations or any type of public speaking. Or even just speaking to a friend or loved one…
Dont let the idea of ‘I cannot see anyone talking to myself’ bother you. Start by doing this while you are in the shower or driving (someone would just figure you have a headset on). Eventually, you will not care if someone does hear you. Now, I simply explain why I am doing it and I always get the same response - “Hey, I never thought of that!” All because I say it with conviction.
Great Post! I’ve been following each of these for quite some time now… I guess I am on the right track!!!
Open English Says:
December 12th, 2007, 16:48 pm
thank you for this… this is the most complete article about self-esteem and self-worth I’ve ever read.
Kieran Says:
December 16th, 2007, 8:29 am
Excellent post. Number 9, 22 and 25 I especially agree with. One thing that you could add to number 11 is that you should speak louder, not so loudly that you end up like loud Howard, but loud enough that you’re not mumbling. Thanks for this very helpful post
howardtoronto Says:
January 1st, 2008, 10:50 am
http://www.vertabase.com/news.html
This is a marvelous list. I’d like to add to your point 14 - Set a small goal and achieve it. There is a management discipline called Project Management that can help you achieve large multiple goals each requiring many steps. Working at this level can be a challenge especially for people working in the creative professions. There are actually web tools out there that can help you take a quantum leap in what you can achieve alone and in a creative group. For an example, do look a friend’s site (http://www.vertabase.com/news.html) for a specific example of how this is possible.
So, I would change 14 to read – Learn Project Management!
Blessings,
Matyko Says:
January 5th, 2008, 17:06 pm
Very Nice!
I would add a point:
Listen to some positive musicand try to avoid negative ones.
Some examples for positive:
Bob Marley
Jack Johnson
Infected Mushroom
An example for negative:
Depeche Mode
Even if you say DM is good, it will turn you down… For a lifetime.. if you let! :)
career professional Says:
January 7th, 2008, 2:18 am
Hi! I got the most valuable information about career and how to build up confidence as well as to take command of your career means to manage your career and not to rely on others to do it for you.Thanks!
yousef alghamdi Says:
January 24th, 2008, 17:33 pm
i gust started reading this articul and i found hope in it thank you.
Sophia Says:
January 28th, 2008, 15:02 pm
Agreed on many points. One just has to make sure they don’t cross the line into arrogance: Check out:
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